The Cool Kids (2018) s01e21 Episode Script
Vegas Baby!
1 Uh, Sid, can you pass the salt? Sure, Charlie.
I assume you're asking that because I have all the time in the world, since my boyfriend dumped me.
Well, while we're passing things, I might want to pass on some advice: wash your hat once! All right, I know things have been tough since you broke up with John, but if you don't stop talking like that, I'm gonna kick your little ass.
Why does everyone hate me? I'm so unlovable.
Yikes.
I don't need salt, okay? Unbelievable.
I just got a invitation to my son Tony's wedding.
Check this out.
"Hosted by Lorraine and Reggie.
" My ex-wife and her husband are running the show.
No mention of me at all.
- I have been replaced.
- Whoa.
MARGARET: I don't think Tony is trying to replace you.
I mean, you guys are really close, right? Well, yeah.
I mean, that's my son.
Fruit of my loins.
We don't chitty-chat all that much, 'cause we're grown-ass men.
But I told him, I said, "You let me know when and where this wedding is and I will be there.
" Well, it sounds like he's doing exactly what you told him to.
It sounds like you're not listening.
I'm being sidelined at my own son's wedding.
Well, it's time for old Hank to assert himself.
And I'm gonna start by inviting y'all three.
Oh, no.
Count me out, Hank.
I really don't need any tense family drama.
It's at some fancy Vegas hotel.
Well, what is life without a little drama? I'm in.
I love Vegas.
Yeah.
Me, too.
I got that town wired.
I got connections at the Sands, the Sahara.
[CHUCKLES.]
It sounds like you had that town wired.
Those places have been torn down.
No.
Trust me, when they hear that I'm coming back, I'm gonna rule that place.
You know, back in the '70s, they used to call me Charlie Sell Phones.
Stop lying, stank hat.
They didn't even have cell phones in the '70S.
CHARLIE: Uh-uh.
"Sell" with an "S.
" I used to sell rotary phones to key figures in the Vegas underworld.
They were untappable.
Well, y'all have fun.
Vegas is no place for the brokenhearted.
I should go someplace like Pittsburgh.
Oh, come on.
This is gonna be great.
Vegas is the perfect place for you to get over John.
After my divorce, I went to Vegas.
I got over ten years of pain in one weekend.
And so Vegas Margaret was born.
[CHUCKLES.]
One day, I tipped the pool boy with my room key.
Oh, all right.
All right, all right, all right, I'll go.
Anything to keep me from hearing the end of your sex story.
Oh, you're gonna hear it all right.
So, the air is thick with the smell of chlorine, - and I am really horny - Aah! - [LOUDLY BABBLING.]
- [CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY.]
What the hell happened to Vegas? It used to be the devil's playground.
Now it looks like a unicorn threw up all over the place.
- And most of it landed on your outfit.
- [LAUGHS.]
Hey, you ain't seen nothin' yet.
This is Vegas Margaret understated.
I got an outfit in my bag that needs batteries.
Okay, Sid, come on.
Let's go get you over John.
I'll tell you what would help me get over John is you not saying his name every five minutes.
- All right, I'm gonna go check us in.
- All right.
- Hey, Pop! - Tony! [LAUGHS.]
Look at you.
My son, getting married.
- There's the man of the hour.
- Hey, Reggie.
Thanks so much for those MMA tickets last night.
We were so close, we got blood on us.
[LAUGHING.]
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
Re-Re-Reggie, Reggie, Reggie.
Excuse me, me and, uh, Tony weren't finished with our little greeting yet.
Ha-ah! Here I go.
[GRUNTING, PANTING.]
We do, we do this all the time.
I love you so much, son.
[CHUCKLES.]
I knew you were gonna make a fool of yourself at this wedding, I just didn't know it was gonna be in the first minute, Hank.
So you do know my name.
'Cause I couldn't find it - on that invitation.
- That's enough, you two.
I don't need you guys fighting all weekend.
Let's just focus on the positive.
We're all here together.
You, me, Dad, Reggie, that guy.
those two other white people you brought who I barely know.
All right, my room is comped.
They must have heard I was back in town.
This has got Ronnie Room Comps written all over it.
Actually, it was Reggie.
He picked up everybody's rooms.
He's the best, isn't he? Uh, Reggie, me and my friends we not impressed with your little room comp.
Reggie, you honor me with this comp.
If you ever need a rotary phone installed, I'm your guy.
Good to know.
Thank you.
[CHUCKLES.]
Oh, yes.
Reggie's paying for everything.
And I mean everything.
[CHUCKLES.]
Bachelor party.
Bachelorette party.
Rooms.
Wi-Fi.
And that's premium Wi-Fi, no buffering.
Well, it's not every day your son gets married.
HANK: Uh, stepson.
Don't forget the, uh, "step.
" - You see what he's doing? - Yeah.
He trying to make me look bad in front of my own son.
All right, guys, we're out.
I hope we see both of you at the bachelor party dinner tonight.
It's on me.
The hell it is.
I'm buying dinner for the family.
- Wow, thanks, Dad.
- Hank's paying? Where y'all eating, at a vending machine? [SIGHS.]
So, check it out, Sid.
This is my Vegas Margaret outfit.
Well, honey, it's like the sun: it's bright, shiny and hard to look at.
Enough.
Time to change that attitude - and get you over - No, no! Don't you say it.
You know who.
All right.
We're gonna go big, Sid.
We've each got $500 in chips.
So if you follow my lead, we can triple this.
Waitress.
Could we get a couple of Moscow Mules for us high rollers? No more bets.
Wait.
Sid, what did you do? I went big, like you told me to.
I put all your chips on red, all my chips on black, so we cannot lose.
Green! The rare double zero.
What?! Wait, Sid.
What the hell? That's all our money for the whole weekend.
Well, why didn't you tell me about green? Nobody bets on green.
Well, if he had, he would've won $36,000.
Butt out, dealer.
The name's John.
- Damn it! - [GROANS.]
Ooh, are you guys tapped out? Free drinks are for gamblers only.
Whiskey soda for John? Oh, come on! Margaret, you told me this trip was gonna cheer me up.
I'm broke, I'm sober, and we're hanging out in what apparently is an all-John casino.
How can I go big in Vegas when I don't have any money? I've got a plan.
What are you gonna do, skin another peacock and throw it on your back? What the hell have I gotten into? Look at the prices on this menu, man.
And I ain't seeing no combos.
Oh, relax, Hank.
You're with Charlie Sell Phones.
Yeah.
We're here for the Henderson bachelor party, and we expect to be taken care of.
We know Robbie Restaurants.
You know Robbie Restaurants? We know Robbie Restaurants.
Are you saying in broken English that you're not gonna rob the restaurant? It's a person.
Robbie Restaurants.
I don't know what's happening, but your table's ready.
Okay, forget about it.
We'll get tap waters, share a side salad.
- Good thing it's just the four of us.
- Yeah.
Hey, guys, over here.
Dad, these are my groomsmen.
Oh, hey.
Oh Oh - Hey, now.
It's good to see - Their flight got delayed.
They haven't eaten since breakfast.
Well, how the hell did the plane even lift off the ground? Did Vernon just order another seafood tower? What happened to your s-smaller friends? Les, Slim, String Bean and them? Vernon is String Bean.
What the hell happened to him? He's actually lost a lot of weight since that last trip we took to Cabo.
Vernon, looking good.
You been using your maracas? I know I have.
What the hell is this, man? Taking my son on trips, getting him maracas.
Bastard.
Hey, Hank.
Can you pass that bottle of wine? I need to top off.
Yeah, 'cause you're running through it, you lush.
This the good stuff.
You've got to savor it.
Like this.
[GARGLING.]
Delectable.
See, that way one glass lasts all night.
Look, I'm spending all this money, and I'm not making no brownie points with my son.
I'm gonna set this down.
- I'm getting the check.
- [SNAPS FINGERS.]
I'd like to say a few words.
GUYS: Reggie! Getting to know this man and his friends has been a privilege and an honor.
Well, that certainly wasa few words.
Thank you, Reggie.
Thanks for opening.
Have a seat.
Have a seat, Reggie.
Good evening, everyone.
Hank! Well, what a fine evening I have provided for you all.
And to my son and his now unrecognizable friends, and his, uh, mama's side piece down there, I want to say it's getting late, so forks up, hands down, got to go.
Dad, it's 7:15.
7:15? Well, what is this check doing here? I know I didn't ask for it.
Ooh, this thing is heavy.
I'm scared to open it up.
Oh, just do it, bud.
Like a Band-Aid.
All right, no matter what the figure is inside, I will not react.
Son of a bitch! What a deal! [KNOCKING.]
- Surprise! - Surprise! It's your ex-husband's friends.
[CHUCKLES.]
This is the bachelorette party, right? Sure.
But what the heck are you two doing here? We want to celebrate the upcoming nuptials of our favorite couple, Tony and bride.
Yeah, it's not like we lost all our money, can't afford drinks, and are trying to glom on to your thing.
Anyhoo, what are you drinking? Martinis? Appletinis? Any tinis going on in here? Well, we're just staying in tonight.
The wedding's early tomorrow.
[CHUCKLING.]
SID: Oh.
Looking good, ladies.
This is supposed to cheer me up? They are whitening their friggin' teeth.
- Uh - Let's just go down to the bar - and play Guess Who's a Prostitute.
- No.
We're gonna have fun tonight.
I'm gonna make this happen.
You want to have fun, don't you, Lorraine? Of course I do, but I promised Reggie and Tony that I'd-I'd behave myself.
Apparently, when I party in Vegas, I hurt and embarrass the ones I love.
Hurting and embarrassing the ones you love is what Vegas is all about.
[CHUCKLES.]
Come on, I want to be Vegas Margaret tonight.
And I bet you there's a Vegas Lorraine in there somewhere.
Oh, yeah, there is.
She's wild.
- She's wild! - [LAUGHING.]
I promised I promised I'd stay in the room.
Well, then we'll make the fun come to us.
Come on, you guys.
This is your bride's last night of freedom.
Don't you want to blow it out, make it memorable? Sweetie, I know that you don't know me, but marriage is boring as hell.
The same guy every single night? This is your last chance to grab a beef cake by both cheeks and let him do his thing.
[MUFFLED.]
Well, I don't know what that was, but I'll take it as a yes.
You twisted my arm.
Just give me a minute to get ready.
[LAUGHS.]
- Sha-bam! - [LAUGHS.]
Ah! I was gonna sneak out after they fell asleep.
- [LAUGHS.]
- Lorraine! Thanks again for dinner, Dad.
Want to come hit the tables? Yeah, I'll be there in a minute, son.
I can't wait to gamble the money I definitely have.
Okay.
I made a few calls, but none of them panned out.
Turns out that Robbie Restaurants is dead, Harry Hubcaps is in jail and the only guy I could get on the phone was Mikey Mumbles.
- What did he say? - Couldn't understand a word of it.
Damn.
I'm gonna look like a idiot in front of my son.
Reggie's just gonna love that.
I can't afford this.
Well, there is one other option.
- Dine and dash? - [CHUCKLES.]
At our age, it's more "gobble and hobble," but, yes.
- Gentlemen.
Is there a problem? - Oh! Where the hell did you? Wha What, were you spying on us? We have a policy of watching anyone who screams "son of a bitch" when they get their bill.
You know what, if I can get Tommy Two Tux on the phone, you are gonna be done in this town.
Yeah.
I just don't think that's a real person, so [CHUCKLES.]
Don't play dumb.
He always wears two tuxes? Half black, half white, split right down the middle? I believe you're describing a Batman villain? Hey, I thought you were right behind us.
Dad, all these women keep hitting on Reggie.
- It's hilarious.
- [CHUCKLES.]
Is there a problem over here? You the problem, man.
This man is trying to steal my son.
Amber Alert! - This man trying to steal my little boy.
- Dad, calm down.
- Don't scream "Amber Alert.
" - Not trying to steal anyone.
We're talking about an adult son, by the way.
He's 40.
This man is trying to hug my little boy.
Okay, I'm gonna walk away from this.
What's your deal? Why'd you have to make a scene and spoil a great dinner? It was great for you and your big-ass friends.
Me? All I had is half a salad.
- Forget it.
- Tony, wait a minute.
Sir, you can't leave without paying your bill.
Security.
I found a fingernail in my salad.
Really? You're gonna bring your goons in? All right, here's what is going to happen.
You are going to let us walk out of here right now.
Take him, too.
[WOMEN WHOOPING.]
That's how Mama likes it.
Yeah! Ooh, yeah, boy.
Earn that tuition.
Earn it.
I love Vegas, Lorraine.
I love how you call your hands dong tongs.
Snap, snap.
Can't control my dong tongs.
Hey, wait, wait.
Where's your little buddy? Oh, he's nursing a bad breakup.
I've been trying to cheer him up all night.
- He's probably in the bathroom crying.
- Oh - Fire in the hole! - [WHOOPING.]
My stripper name is Backdraft.
- [LAUGHS.]
- Oh! Go Vegas Sid! - [KNOCKING.]
- Oh! Oh, that must be the other stripper.
[LAUGHING.]
Ooh.
Look at this one.
Ma'am, we got a noise complaint.
Okay, so your thing is that you don't work out so that you look like a regular schlub.
I dig it.
Ma'am, I'm the head of hotel security.
Hey.
Hey, can we turn off the music, please? Well, how are you gonna dance? Oh, he looks pissed.
I better cool him off.
[ALL SCREAMING, LAUGHING.]
Take it off! [LAUGHS.]
Ha, ha, ha.
Hey, Hank.
Don't worry, bud, I'll get us out of here.
Before they took our phones, I left a message with Tommy Two Tux.
Charlie, I'm sick of your made-up stories about your made-up friends.
We need a real plan.
We got to get in touch with Margaret and Sid.
Hank? Charlie? Margaret, thank God.
Are y'all here to bail us out? Nope.
My son's wedding's in an hour.
I guess I'm gonna miss it.
Well, what does it matter? Reggie's his daddy now, anyway.
[SLURRING.]
Shut up, Hank.
You know, you You know what your problem is, Hank is [MOANS.]
Mother of my child.
- I shouldn't have come here.
- Me either.
I wish I was home, looking at pictures of John.
I also wish I had some pants.
It's freezing here in the big house.
Can't believe that Tommy Two Tux didn't show up for us.
Will you listen to the three of you? You know what? Vegas Margaret is not gonna sit here and listen to you sad sacks complaining.
Here's the deal, Hank.
Reggie has more money than you do.
Reggie will always have more money than you do, and he will be better looking, and he will be more charming Get to the point.
You can't control all of that.
What you can control is your relationship with your son, so stop moping and go talk to him.
And you, Sid, you can have a John pity party for the rest of your life, or you can choose to move on.
And Charlie, it's time to stop lying.
We love you.
You don't have to keep making up these crazy stories about your fake past.
Ah.
If it ain't Charlie Sell Phones.
- You're looking good.
- Tommy Two Tux.
- You're not.
- [LAUGHS.]
- You were saying, Margaret? - Oh.
Marone.
Get a load of the outfit on this broad, eh? Look, you guys are free to go.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
Oh, FYI uh, that manager at that restaurant - Yeah.
- Yeah.
He's gonna be mopping stalls at the Hard Rock from now on.
[LAUGHS.]
Charlie, you came through.
Looks like I'm gonna make my son's wedding after all.
Lorraine.
Lorraine! Last call.
Vodka tonic.
- Are you ready? - Ready, man.
I'm ready, man.
- That's what I'm talking about.
- Let's do it.
Let's do it.
Oh, there you are, Dad.
Thanks for dressing up.
Hey, guys.
Will you, uh, excuse us for a minute? Yeah.
You know, there's food in the hallway.
Listen [CLEARS THROAT.]
I want to apologize.
I know I was acting crazy, 'cause I just feel like Reggie's replacing me, man.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Come on, I like Reggie.
He's my friend.
But you're my dad.
There's no replacing you.
And if this is about Reggie hosting - the wedding, then - No, it's more than that.
Y'all just seem like you're closer.
You know, with the trips, the hugs, all the inside jokes.
Yeah, but that's never been your style.
No, it ha-never has.
But I want it to be.
I want to be there for you from now on.
And I want to be a part of your wedding.
I'd love that.
All right.
And I'm gonna walk you down the aisle.
You ever been to a wedding? That's not something I'm walking you down that aisle.
- Okay, Pop.
Okay, okay.
- Okay.
- So, how you feeling? - Uh - a little nervous, to be honest.
- Well, that's natural, man.
You don't have to be strong, okay? 'Cause you can be weak knowing that your daddy is gonna be your rock.
[SOBBING.]
This this my baby.
My little baby boy.
You get Oh, I'm not gonna make it.
Oh, I'm just just joyful.
You done found your queen.
All right, then.
Oh, he gonna [SNIFFLING.]
- Ooh! - [ORGAN MUSIC PLAYING.]
Oh, that's my son! Lord! Here she comes.
Oh! She look like a angel, like she's just floating on in.
Oh.
Oh! [BABBLES.]
Eyes on the prize.
She's coming to get you, Tony [WAILING.]
For ever and ever and ever and ever.
I assume you're asking that because I have all the time in the world, since my boyfriend dumped me.
Well, while we're passing things, I might want to pass on some advice: wash your hat once! All right, I know things have been tough since you broke up with John, but if you don't stop talking like that, I'm gonna kick your little ass.
Why does everyone hate me? I'm so unlovable.
Yikes.
I don't need salt, okay? Unbelievable.
I just got a invitation to my son Tony's wedding.
Check this out.
"Hosted by Lorraine and Reggie.
" My ex-wife and her husband are running the show.
No mention of me at all.
- I have been replaced.
- Whoa.
MARGARET: I don't think Tony is trying to replace you.
I mean, you guys are really close, right? Well, yeah.
I mean, that's my son.
Fruit of my loins.
We don't chitty-chat all that much, 'cause we're grown-ass men.
But I told him, I said, "You let me know when and where this wedding is and I will be there.
" Well, it sounds like he's doing exactly what you told him to.
It sounds like you're not listening.
I'm being sidelined at my own son's wedding.
Well, it's time for old Hank to assert himself.
And I'm gonna start by inviting y'all three.
Oh, no.
Count me out, Hank.
I really don't need any tense family drama.
It's at some fancy Vegas hotel.
Well, what is life without a little drama? I'm in.
I love Vegas.
Yeah.
Me, too.
I got that town wired.
I got connections at the Sands, the Sahara.
[CHUCKLES.]
It sounds like you had that town wired.
Those places have been torn down.
No.
Trust me, when they hear that I'm coming back, I'm gonna rule that place.
You know, back in the '70s, they used to call me Charlie Sell Phones.
Stop lying, stank hat.
They didn't even have cell phones in the '70S.
CHARLIE: Uh-uh.
"Sell" with an "S.
" I used to sell rotary phones to key figures in the Vegas underworld.
They were untappable.
Well, y'all have fun.
Vegas is no place for the brokenhearted.
I should go someplace like Pittsburgh.
Oh, come on.
This is gonna be great.
Vegas is the perfect place for you to get over John.
After my divorce, I went to Vegas.
I got over ten years of pain in one weekend.
And so Vegas Margaret was born.
[CHUCKLES.]
One day, I tipped the pool boy with my room key.
Oh, all right.
All right, all right, all right, I'll go.
Anything to keep me from hearing the end of your sex story.
Oh, you're gonna hear it all right.
So, the air is thick with the smell of chlorine, - and I am really horny - Aah! - [LOUDLY BABBLING.]
- [CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY.]
What the hell happened to Vegas? It used to be the devil's playground.
Now it looks like a unicorn threw up all over the place.
- And most of it landed on your outfit.
- [LAUGHS.]
Hey, you ain't seen nothin' yet.
This is Vegas Margaret understated.
I got an outfit in my bag that needs batteries.
Okay, Sid, come on.
Let's go get you over John.
I'll tell you what would help me get over John is you not saying his name every five minutes.
- All right, I'm gonna go check us in.
- All right.
- Hey, Pop! - Tony! [LAUGHS.]
Look at you.
My son, getting married.
- There's the man of the hour.
- Hey, Reggie.
Thanks so much for those MMA tickets last night.
We were so close, we got blood on us.
[LAUGHING.]
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
Re-Re-Reggie, Reggie, Reggie.
Excuse me, me and, uh, Tony weren't finished with our little greeting yet.
Ha-ah! Here I go.
[GRUNTING, PANTING.]
We do, we do this all the time.
I love you so much, son.
[CHUCKLES.]
I knew you were gonna make a fool of yourself at this wedding, I just didn't know it was gonna be in the first minute, Hank.
So you do know my name.
'Cause I couldn't find it - on that invitation.
- That's enough, you two.
I don't need you guys fighting all weekend.
Let's just focus on the positive.
We're all here together.
You, me, Dad, Reggie, that guy.
those two other white people you brought who I barely know.
All right, my room is comped.
They must have heard I was back in town.
This has got Ronnie Room Comps written all over it.
Actually, it was Reggie.
He picked up everybody's rooms.
He's the best, isn't he? Uh, Reggie, me and my friends we not impressed with your little room comp.
Reggie, you honor me with this comp.
If you ever need a rotary phone installed, I'm your guy.
Good to know.
Thank you.
[CHUCKLES.]
Oh, yes.
Reggie's paying for everything.
And I mean everything.
[CHUCKLES.]
Bachelor party.
Bachelorette party.
Rooms.
Wi-Fi.
And that's premium Wi-Fi, no buffering.
Well, it's not every day your son gets married.
HANK: Uh, stepson.
Don't forget the, uh, "step.
" - You see what he's doing? - Yeah.
He trying to make me look bad in front of my own son.
All right, guys, we're out.
I hope we see both of you at the bachelor party dinner tonight.
It's on me.
The hell it is.
I'm buying dinner for the family.
- Wow, thanks, Dad.
- Hank's paying? Where y'all eating, at a vending machine? [SIGHS.]
So, check it out, Sid.
This is my Vegas Margaret outfit.
Well, honey, it's like the sun: it's bright, shiny and hard to look at.
Enough.
Time to change that attitude - and get you over - No, no! Don't you say it.
You know who.
All right.
We're gonna go big, Sid.
We've each got $500 in chips.
So if you follow my lead, we can triple this.
Waitress.
Could we get a couple of Moscow Mules for us high rollers? No more bets.
Wait.
Sid, what did you do? I went big, like you told me to.
I put all your chips on red, all my chips on black, so we cannot lose.
Green! The rare double zero.
What?! Wait, Sid.
What the hell? That's all our money for the whole weekend.
Well, why didn't you tell me about green? Nobody bets on green.
Well, if he had, he would've won $36,000.
Butt out, dealer.
The name's John.
- Damn it! - [GROANS.]
Ooh, are you guys tapped out? Free drinks are for gamblers only.
Whiskey soda for John? Oh, come on! Margaret, you told me this trip was gonna cheer me up.
I'm broke, I'm sober, and we're hanging out in what apparently is an all-John casino.
How can I go big in Vegas when I don't have any money? I've got a plan.
What are you gonna do, skin another peacock and throw it on your back? What the hell have I gotten into? Look at the prices on this menu, man.
And I ain't seeing no combos.
Oh, relax, Hank.
You're with Charlie Sell Phones.
Yeah.
We're here for the Henderson bachelor party, and we expect to be taken care of.
We know Robbie Restaurants.
You know Robbie Restaurants? We know Robbie Restaurants.
Are you saying in broken English that you're not gonna rob the restaurant? It's a person.
Robbie Restaurants.
I don't know what's happening, but your table's ready.
Okay, forget about it.
We'll get tap waters, share a side salad.
- Good thing it's just the four of us.
- Yeah.
Hey, guys, over here.
Dad, these are my groomsmen.
Oh, hey.
Oh Oh - Hey, now.
It's good to see - Their flight got delayed.
They haven't eaten since breakfast.
Well, how the hell did the plane even lift off the ground? Did Vernon just order another seafood tower? What happened to your s-smaller friends? Les, Slim, String Bean and them? Vernon is String Bean.
What the hell happened to him? He's actually lost a lot of weight since that last trip we took to Cabo.
Vernon, looking good.
You been using your maracas? I know I have.
What the hell is this, man? Taking my son on trips, getting him maracas.
Bastard.
Hey, Hank.
Can you pass that bottle of wine? I need to top off.
Yeah, 'cause you're running through it, you lush.
This the good stuff.
You've got to savor it.
Like this.
[GARGLING.]
Delectable.
See, that way one glass lasts all night.
Look, I'm spending all this money, and I'm not making no brownie points with my son.
I'm gonna set this down.
- I'm getting the check.
- [SNAPS FINGERS.]
I'd like to say a few words.
GUYS: Reggie! Getting to know this man and his friends has been a privilege and an honor.
Well, that certainly wasa few words.
Thank you, Reggie.
Thanks for opening.
Have a seat.
Have a seat, Reggie.
Good evening, everyone.
Hank! Well, what a fine evening I have provided for you all.
And to my son and his now unrecognizable friends, and his, uh, mama's side piece down there, I want to say it's getting late, so forks up, hands down, got to go.
Dad, it's 7:15.
7:15? Well, what is this check doing here? I know I didn't ask for it.
Ooh, this thing is heavy.
I'm scared to open it up.
Oh, just do it, bud.
Like a Band-Aid.
All right, no matter what the figure is inside, I will not react.
Son of a bitch! What a deal! [KNOCKING.]
- Surprise! - Surprise! It's your ex-husband's friends.
[CHUCKLES.]
This is the bachelorette party, right? Sure.
But what the heck are you two doing here? We want to celebrate the upcoming nuptials of our favorite couple, Tony and bride.
Yeah, it's not like we lost all our money, can't afford drinks, and are trying to glom on to your thing.
Anyhoo, what are you drinking? Martinis? Appletinis? Any tinis going on in here? Well, we're just staying in tonight.
The wedding's early tomorrow.
[CHUCKLING.]
SID: Oh.
Looking good, ladies.
This is supposed to cheer me up? They are whitening their friggin' teeth.
- Uh - Let's just go down to the bar - and play Guess Who's a Prostitute.
- No.
We're gonna have fun tonight.
I'm gonna make this happen.
You want to have fun, don't you, Lorraine? Of course I do, but I promised Reggie and Tony that I'd-I'd behave myself.
Apparently, when I party in Vegas, I hurt and embarrass the ones I love.
Hurting and embarrassing the ones you love is what Vegas is all about.
[CHUCKLES.]
Come on, I want to be Vegas Margaret tonight.
And I bet you there's a Vegas Lorraine in there somewhere.
Oh, yeah, there is.
She's wild.
- She's wild! - [LAUGHING.]
I promised I promised I'd stay in the room.
Well, then we'll make the fun come to us.
Come on, you guys.
This is your bride's last night of freedom.
Don't you want to blow it out, make it memorable? Sweetie, I know that you don't know me, but marriage is boring as hell.
The same guy every single night? This is your last chance to grab a beef cake by both cheeks and let him do his thing.
[MUFFLED.]
Well, I don't know what that was, but I'll take it as a yes.
You twisted my arm.
Just give me a minute to get ready.
[LAUGHS.]
- Sha-bam! - [LAUGHS.]
Ah! I was gonna sneak out after they fell asleep.
- [LAUGHS.]
- Lorraine! Thanks again for dinner, Dad.
Want to come hit the tables? Yeah, I'll be there in a minute, son.
I can't wait to gamble the money I definitely have.
Okay.
I made a few calls, but none of them panned out.
Turns out that Robbie Restaurants is dead, Harry Hubcaps is in jail and the only guy I could get on the phone was Mikey Mumbles.
- What did he say? - Couldn't understand a word of it.
Damn.
I'm gonna look like a idiot in front of my son.
Reggie's just gonna love that.
I can't afford this.
Well, there is one other option.
- Dine and dash? - [CHUCKLES.]
At our age, it's more "gobble and hobble," but, yes.
- Gentlemen.
Is there a problem? - Oh! Where the hell did you? Wha What, were you spying on us? We have a policy of watching anyone who screams "son of a bitch" when they get their bill.
You know what, if I can get Tommy Two Tux on the phone, you are gonna be done in this town.
Yeah.
I just don't think that's a real person, so [CHUCKLES.]
Don't play dumb.
He always wears two tuxes? Half black, half white, split right down the middle? I believe you're describing a Batman villain? Hey, I thought you were right behind us.
Dad, all these women keep hitting on Reggie.
- It's hilarious.
- [CHUCKLES.]
Is there a problem over here? You the problem, man.
This man is trying to steal my son.
Amber Alert! - This man trying to steal my little boy.
- Dad, calm down.
- Don't scream "Amber Alert.
" - Not trying to steal anyone.
We're talking about an adult son, by the way.
He's 40.
This man is trying to hug my little boy.
Okay, I'm gonna walk away from this.
What's your deal? Why'd you have to make a scene and spoil a great dinner? It was great for you and your big-ass friends.
Me? All I had is half a salad.
- Forget it.
- Tony, wait a minute.
Sir, you can't leave without paying your bill.
Security.
I found a fingernail in my salad.
Really? You're gonna bring your goons in? All right, here's what is going to happen.
You are going to let us walk out of here right now.
Take him, too.
[WOMEN WHOOPING.]
That's how Mama likes it.
Yeah! Ooh, yeah, boy.
Earn that tuition.
Earn it.
I love Vegas, Lorraine.
I love how you call your hands dong tongs.
Snap, snap.
Can't control my dong tongs.
Hey, wait, wait.
Where's your little buddy? Oh, he's nursing a bad breakup.
I've been trying to cheer him up all night.
- He's probably in the bathroom crying.
- Oh - Fire in the hole! - [WHOOPING.]
My stripper name is Backdraft.
- [LAUGHS.]
- Oh! Go Vegas Sid! - [KNOCKING.]
- Oh! Oh, that must be the other stripper.
[LAUGHING.]
Ooh.
Look at this one.
Ma'am, we got a noise complaint.
Okay, so your thing is that you don't work out so that you look like a regular schlub.
I dig it.
Ma'am, I'm the head of hotel security.
Hey.
Hey, can we turn off the music, please? Well, how are you gonna dance? Oh, he looks pissed.
I better cool him off.
[ALL SCREAMING, LAUGHING.]
Take it off! [LAUGHS.]
Ha, ha, ha.
Hey, Hank.
Don't worry, bud, I'll get us out of here.
Before they took our phones, I left a message with Tommy Two Tux.
Charlie, I'm sick of your made-up stories about your made-up friends.
We need a real plan.
We got to get in touch with Margaret and Sid.
Hank? Charlie? Margaret, thank God.
Are y'all here to bail us out? Nope.
My son's wedding's in an hour.
I guess I'm gonna miss it.
Well, what does it matter? Reggie's his daddy now, anyway.
[SLURRING.]
Shut up, Hank.
You know, you You know what your problem is, Hank is [MOANS.]
Mother of my child.
- I shouldn't have come here.
- Me either.
I wish I was home, looking at pictures of John.
I also wish I had some pants.
It's freezing here in the big house.
Can't believe that Tommy Two Tux didn't show up for us.
Will you listen to the three of you? You know what? Vegas Margaret is not gonna sit here and listen to you sad sacks complaining.
Here's the deal, Hank.
Reggie has more money than you do.
Reggie will always have more money than you do, and he will be better looking, and he will be more charming Get to the point.
You can't control all of that.
What you can control is your relationship with your son, so stop moping and go talk to him.
And you, Sid, you can have a John pity party for the rest of your life, or you can choose to move on.
And Charlie, it's time to stop lying.
We love you.
You don't have to keep making up these crazy stories about your fake past.
Ah.
If it ain't Charlie Sell Phones.
- You're looking good.
- Tommy Two Tux.
- You're not.
- [LAUGHS.]
- You were saying, Margaret? - Oh.
Marone.
Get a load of the outfit on this broad, eh? Look, you guys are free to go.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
Oh, FYI uh, that manager at that restaurant - Yeah.
- Yeah.
He's gonna be mopping stalls at the Hard Rock from now on.
[LAUGHS.]
Charlie, you came through.
Looks like I'm gonna make my son's wedding after all.
Lorraine.
Lorraine! Last call.
Vodka tonic.
- Are you ready? - Ready, man.
I'm ready, man.
- That's what I'm talking about.
- Let's do it.
Let's do it.
Oh, there you are, Dad.
Thanks for dressing up.
Hey, guys.
Will you, uh, excuse us for a minute? Yeah.
You know, there's food in the hallway.
Listen [CLEARS THROAT.]
I want to apologize.
I know I was acting crazy, 'cause I just feel like Reggie's replacing me, man.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Come on, I like Reggie.
He's my friend.
But you're my dad.
There's no replacing you.
And if this is about Reggie hosting - the wedding, then - No, it's more than that.
Y'all just seem like you're closer.
You know, with the trips, the hugs, all the inside jokes.
Yeah, but that's never been your style.
No, it ha-never has.
But I want it to be.
I want to be there for you from now on.
And I want to be a part of your wedding.
I'd love that.
All right.
And I'm gonna walk you down the aisle.
You ever been to a wedding? That's not something I'm walking you down that aisle.
- Okay, Pop.
Okay, okay.
- Okay.
- So, how you feeling? - Uh - a little nervous, to be honest.
- Well, that's natural, man.
You don't have to be strong, okay? 'Cause you can be weak knowing that your daddy is gonna be your rock.
[SOBBING.]
This this my baby.
My little baby boy.
You get Oh, I'm not gonna make it.
Oh, I'm just just joyful.
You done found your queen.
All right, then.
Oh, he gonna [SNIFFLING.]
- Ooh! - [ORGAN MUSIC PLAYING.]
Oh, that's my son! Lord! Here she comes.
Oh! She look like a angel, like she's just floating on in.
Oh.
Oh! [BABBLES.]
Eyes on the prize.
She's coming to get you, Tony [WAILING.]
For ever and ever and ever and ever.