The Drew Carey Show (1995) s01e21 Episode Script

My poor sister,
there's no worse hell
than when your mother doesn't
like who you're dating.
Yeah.
So, uh, what have you
told your folks about me?
Oh, you know, the usual.
You haven't told them.
Call your mother right now.
It's long distance,
they live in Florida.
Do itnow!
Oh! This is crazy.
She's gonna miss her stories.
Hi-hi, mom, it's Drew.
Yeah, oh, everything's fine.
I just called to tell you
I-I met a girl
and she's beautiful.
No, not just in my eyes.
[laughs]
Here, let-let me put you
on speakerphone
so you can talk to her yourself.
- No, no, no! Drew, don't..
- Mom.
(Mrs. Carey)
'He says he met someone,
George.'
'He's probably gonna do
that fake girl voice again.'
[laughs]
No, I'm real!
Hi, Mrs. Carey!
(Mrs. Carey)
'Oh, that's real convincing.'
[dial tone]
Hey, she likes you.
Let's go to lunch.
No, I-I don't feel
like eating now.
Your mom thought I was a guy.
I-I wouldn't feel so bad
but it's not the first time
it's happened to me.
Moon over Parma
bring my love to me tonight ♪
Guide her to Cleveland
underneath your silvery light ♪
We're going bowlin'
so don't lose her in Solon ♪
Moon over Parma tonight ♪♪
'Cause I'm a rib man ♪
Hey ho ho ho-ho ♪
Play it again ho ho ho oh ♪♪
[cheering]
Well, I am sorry
about the cubical walls
but I was brought here
to motivate you people
and I'm breaking down
the barriers of communication.
- Tom Cruson.
- Wow! You're Tom Cruson.
You wrote, I was brought here
to motivate you people
and I'm breaking down
the barriers of communication.
And, uh,
you're Drew Carey, right?
Yeah, how'd you know?
They said look for the big guy
with food all over him.
Do you want to introduce me
to the office?
Yeah, h-hey, everybody,
can I have your attention?
Drew, stop yelling,
the walls are down.
- Wipe yourself.
- Oh!
This is Tom Cruson,
he's a motivational speaker
and the board of directors
has brought him in here
to help us shake
the sales slump.
I need you all to give him
your attention andrespect.
You missed a spot
at the back of your neck.
Thanks.
Tom.
Now, I don't have
to tell you people
these are hard times.
This store's on
the brink of collapse.
[all gasping]
Oop, I'm sorry,
that's next week at Barney's.
Butthis store
isn't out of the woods either.
Your board of directors has
to choose between downsizing..
Oh, stop it!
Or increasing productivity.
Now I'm here to help
you do the latter
and we're gonna start
with the more open exchange
of ideas, and you see this..
Now, this your worst enemy.
[clattering]
From now on,
I want to see face to face..
communication
between all departments.
Now I don't care
if you're in payroll
you might have good idea
about sales.
I don't care if you're a janitor
you might have a good idea
about advertising.
I'm in security,
and I have a good idea
about women shoes.
Here, you have issues.
Now, I wanna hear
some solutions.
If this were my store,
I would.. Nothing.
If this were my store, I would..
Nothing. If this
were my store, I would..
Kill everyone.
Thank you!
Alright,
I think you get the idea.
Friends, you've been wonderful.
I hope to see you all at my
seminar tonight at 6:30 PM
and grab my new book
on your way out.
It's a mystery,
sort of a departure for me
but the killer
is very motivated.
- Oh, I have one.
- Huh!
If this were my store,
I'll be a lot happier
'cause I'd be rich.
You'll never own a store because
you're too eager to please.
Work on that.
- I hate you!
- Much better.
Alright.
Man, have you lit a fire
under me, I am motivated!
If this were my store, I would..
Sell it to the Japanese
for big profit
buy a huge house,
and marry a supermodel
'cause I know
she'd love me just for me.
That aside,
can I ask you a question?
Drew, do you have
a question or an answer?
I'm pretty sure if it goes up
at the end, it's a question.
Now I'm a real go-getter,
I-I'm a mover and a shaker here.
How come I've been stuck
in the same job for seven years?
Well, have you gone to your boss
and told him what you want?
Yeah, like a thousand times.
And you keep bouncing your head
against the same wall?
Yeah, well, you know,
until you took him down.
[laughs]
Look, if you keep
hitting the same wall
go around it.
You see there's
a whole level of people
above your boss, Drew.
You've got to get
their attention
but you're invisible here.
Where's Drew? I can't
see him, he's invisible.
Except for that spot of barbecue
sauce inside of your nose.
Oh.
Sorry, it gets to the
bloodstream faster that way.
How do I get their attention?
Ideas! This store needs ideas.
Now someone has to come up
with those ideas.
Is it gonna be you?
Uh, my dad always said
if you keep your head down,
you'll work forever.
Your dad's a moron.
Now lose some weight,
no one respects fat people.
Wow!
You have the courage to say
what others only say
with their eyes.
Now, you go get
that promotion, Drew
so I'll be able to see you.
And you can get their
attention by.. Nothing.
And the last woman you slept
with felt.. Nothing!
[instrumental music]
Two points..
- Oh!
- Oh!
Oh!
Alright, this is the idea
that's finally gonna prove
to the board of directors
that I have the drive
and ambition to become
the head of personnel.
Give it to us, big boy.
Hold on to your hats.
"All You Can Buy Day."
[laughing]
A customer comes in
and he puts down $500
he gets to keep whatever he
can carry out in half an hour.
Drew, I can carry out
about 500 diamond rings.
- Alright, then no jewelry.
- Yeah.
I can carry out a couple
of camcorders and a microwave.
Alright, then no appliances.
I'd roll around
in the fur coats.
This isn't
"Queen For A Day," Oswald.
Alright, so it's a lousy idea
but I got to come up
with something, I want this job
more than I ever
wanted anything.
More than pubic hair
when you were 12?
Sure, like I got to use that
in the next eight years.
When do you actually use it?
Oh, that's like lettuce
under the fruit plate
it's just there
for presentation.
Oh!
What's wrong with me? Why
can't I come up with anything?
Oh, it's not just you.
I mean, America's lost its way.
We're moving too far
to the left.
Not politically,
just too far to the left.
I just got to put myself
under more pressure.
Look, if I don't come up
something in 60 seconds..
somebody punch me.
Hey!
Sorry, we have
lousy internal clocks.
You, know, uh,
Drew, there's this guy
at DrugCo. who wanted attention
so, uh, he blew off
his boss' head
and carried it around
in a bowling bag all day.
- Lewis.
- Yeah.
I'm going
for positive attention.
Oh, well, that's harder.
Drew, these guys
are businessmen
all they really care about
is if you can make them a buck.
Yeah, I guess you're right,
but so what's wrong
with Winfred-Louder? How come
people don't shop there?
I know, it's their name.
"Winfred-Louder."
It sounds so stuffy
and expensive.
Not like Chuck E. Cheese.
You hear a name
like Chuck E. Cheese
and you know
you're gonna have some fun..
and some cheese.
[laughing]
Hey, hey, how about
putting in a petting zoo?
Nah, Mimi bites.
Hey, how about a mascot?
Then, people will associate us
with something warm and inviting
instead of old money and greed.
It's a great idea.
We, uh, we tried
to mascot at DrugCo.
A lab rat named,
uh, Little Druggie.
One day, he got really high
and moved to San Francisco.
He's got a coffee shop
there now.
- What it's name?
- Ratbucks.
[instrumental music]
I haven't heard one thing
in this meeting
that's going to stop
this sales slump.
I didn't work
my husband to death
so that you bootlegs could
fritter this business away.
Shut up, coffin bait!
- Hammond!
- Oh, crap.
You got your, uh,
hearing aid fixed.
It's okay,
it's only gonna take a second.
Carey, what the hell
are you doing in here?
Look, I'm sorry
to barge in like this
but, uh, it's impossible
to get an appointment
and-and Tom Cruson said
that we should come to you
if we had any ideas.
Look, this will only
take a minute, okay?
This is a great
department store.
It's, it's a wonderful
tradition in Cleveland.
So why aren't people
shopping here?
Well, forgive me for saying
this, but this place is about
as old and stuffy as..
Let's just say
it's old and stuffy.
What's your point, Carey?
Well, if you want to get
people into the store
you got to lighten things
up a little.
- You know, humanize it.
- With what?
What's more human than animals?
Ad campaigns
using animals are huge!
You got the Energizer Bunny,
the Hush Puppy hound
- Tony the Tiger..
- Count Dracula.
Not an animal,
but thanks for playing.
Look, we'll get real animals
to be the mascots
and use them to do commercials,
like in that movie "Babe."
We'll make them look
like they're really talking.
You mean John Goodman
wasn't really talking in "Babe?"
Look, I'm a lousy artist, and I
couldn't find the right puppets
to save my life, so..
Satan! Oh, I like this.
No, I'm Louder the Bull.
Strong, straightforward
and ready to charge
at 18.5% interest.
We'll talk about that later.
Oh, I wonder
what's going to be next.
I hope it'll be a monkey.
Nope, it's Winfred the Camel!
'Cause I'm gonna bust my hump
to make you
a satisfied customer.
Either that
or I'll spit on you.
[laughing]
So, what do you think?
I-I hate to think I looked this
stupid for nothing.
It's risky,
but then, so is every time
I stand up in the tub.
Get with our advertising people.
I want to see story boards
on that commercial.
You mean you're gonna do it?
Great! Thank you so very much.
You know what, I'm gonna
get you some sticky flowers
for your bathtub 'cause
I want you to live to see this.
[clears throat]
Oh, my throat's
a little parched.
Do you mind if I, uh..
- Uh..
- Whoo! Man!
You wanna put
an olive in that, sir.
So what do you say?
What's the best place
to shop in town?
Say it, Louder.
What's the best place
to shop in town?
No, Louder!
(Louder)
'What's the best place
to shop in town?'
Ooh, you're making
all my stomach sick.
We go the distance
to bring your big savings
at Winfred-Louder.
And that's no bull,
take it from me!
[instrumental music]
[applauding]
Whoo!
I-I-I can't believe it.
It's-it's wonderful.
It'sit's genius.
You know, Drew, usually people
wait for other people
to tell them that.
Oh, to tell 'em what?
That you're a genius.
Thank you. I know.
[laughs]
And you are gonna get
to sleep with a genius.
Really? And you won't get mad?
[laughs]
You did good, Drew.
You did realgood.
All these years,
I thought you can get ahead
by working hard and keeping
your nose to the grindstone.
Pfft! Hard work is for suckers.
Hear that, kids?
Wow, you really
started something.
I have a great idea
for the store
but the line for the
boardroom's like a mile long.
- "Shop by candlelight."
- Uh-huh.
We'll turn off all the lights
in the store
give everyone a candle..
It'll be really romantic.
You know, that's perfect,
except why don't you call it
uhshoplifting night?
Or the great Cleveland
department store fire, '96?
Drew, can I speak to you
for a momentalone?
Oh, we'll see you later, Drew.
And I think it'd be fun
to shop by candlelight.
Yeah, and if it doesn't work
out, we'll just have a backdraft
to school sale.
[laughing]
Uh, Drew, I-I know you're busy
with this commercial stuff,
and, uh, I'm sorry to bother you
but I-I need more overtime.
Oh, you know,
I-I wanna help, Nora
but I've already given you
more than I should.
I need it, Drew.
This is what I'm saving up for.
I'm buying myself a lumberjack.
- Is that legal?
- Who cares? Look at him.
Can't believe
you can just buy a man.
Drew, I'm lonely.
Youcan relate.
Help me.
Alright, I'll do what I can.
Try and bend
a few rules for you.
Hey, this prospector's
not too bad-looking.
How much for old cookie here?
I need to talk to you, Drew.
Hello, Nora.
Who's looking for a man?
Drew.
Hey, uh, you wanna
see my commercial again?
No, I don't need to,
I've seen the testing.
It's wonderful!
You've made us take one risk
and now we are going
to take another.
We're giving you a promotion.
Wow! I don't believe..
Finally, head of personnel!
- Whoo!
- No.
I'm making you
head of promotions.
Wow! What an honor!
Head of promotions
andhead of personnel.
- Whoo!
- No, just head of promotions.
But I'm a personnel guy.
I-I-I do personnel.
Yes, and your flair
for personnel has kept you
at the same desk
for seven years.
You've shown us a spark,
Drew, what do you say?
WellI don't want to sound
ungrateful, I mean, you know
it is a great honor,
but what if it doesn't work out?
I mean,
can I get my old job back?
Oh, you'll have to discuss
that with my nephew, Ian.
The new assistant director
of personnel.
Well, he's only 21.
How did he..
Oh, you-your nephew Ian.
Fine, and we'll need three
more great ideas by Friday.
- This Friday?
- Every Friday.
That damn board of directors
wouldn't know a good idea
if it bit 'em in the ass!
Tattoo Day! Uh, Free Pizza Day!
How about Mustache Day?
Okay, Guess Your Weight Day.
Guess my weight day.
Come on, I'm out of ideas,
I need some help here.
Drew, as I see
you need three ideas
before the board gets here
in a few minutes.
Two, if you wanna go
with candlelight shopping.
Oh, I only had one good idea.
What do people want from me?
Lots of guys built their
career from one idea.
The whiteout guy,
the, uh, Post-it note lady.
Pauly Shore.
You can do it, Drew.
You're creative.
You're the man
who came up with the idea
for the foot-wide hot dog.
Yeah, too bad
I ate the prototype.
Oh!
Kate, I'm really in deep here.
I don't even want this job,
and somebody else has my job
and if I don't come up
with something
I am on the street.
Well, you can't
worry about that now
you've got to take care ofthis.
You're right.
Can't feel sorry for myself.
[snaps]
Ideasideas..
What do mascots need?
Best friends, of course,
a beaver and a lizard.
I still got it!
Three points to that buzzer.
- Whoo!
- Whoo!
[clears throat]
You know, Ms. O'Brien, you
remind me of another headstrong
young lady, who once sat
in that chair, smoked a cigar
and dreamed
of running the store.
[chuckles]
I fired her.
Now get the hell out of here.
So, boy genius,
your commercial's a success.
People are actually
coming into the store
and asking to see
the camel and the bull.
We're very anxious
to see your latest brainstorm.
Oh, well, it's, it's not beaver
and lizard, I'll tell you that.
[chuckles]
Um, we'll give the people
what they want.
We'll bring the camel
and the bull from the commercial
into our store
for a personal appearance.
Oh, that's good!
So, he wasn't a one-shot wonder.
I owe you ten bucks, Dolly.
Deducted from the career
you owe me, Hammond. Shut up.
[instrumental music]
Have you ever seen anything
like that mob downstairs?
There are so many people,
we're gonna have to
bring the animals
in through the basement.
It's like they've
never seen a camel
and a bull together before.
Well, they haven't. They don't
co-exist in nature anywhere.
What would happen if a camel
and a bull got into a fight?
Well, the bull would win,
he's got horns.
Yeah, but the camel is faster
and has a superior reach.
But if the camel lured
the bull into the desert..
- Oh!
- Oh!
Gee, no wonder so many people
want to see these animals
there's so much
heated speculation.
My God, you guys are idiots.
Drew, I need you, now.
Oh, please, tell me
you got into a fight
with a really angry shopper.
We got a problem, Drew.
All the animals
are upstairs in the boardroom.
What? They're supposed to be
downstairs chained to a pole.
Being poked at
by little children
and crapping on the floor.
We tried to get them
on to the freight elevator
but the camel
pushed all the buttons.
We ended up on the top floor,
the doors opened
the animals bolted.
[sighs]
Where's the trainer?
Oh, did I mention that bolting
included kickin' the trainer
right in his king-tutts?
- Yeah.
- Oh, man, did you call the zoo?
The zoo? That'd take forever,
I called the police.
Not the police,
they'll kill 'em.
Damn right!
I want my cufflinks back.
Wow! All of a sudden I feel
like a beer and a cigarette.
[laughs]
Carey, if we get out
of here alive, you're fired!
Alright, but you're
gonna be missin' out
on a lot of good ideas.
Like Winfred and Louder here.
Chuck, shoot them.
I can't shoot
an innocent animal, ma'am.
- Then shoot Drew.
- Yes, ma'am.
Okay, okay, we got an idea.
Now it's crazy,
but it just might work.
We need to clear a path
from the bull to the door.
Well, thanks for coming
to get me, you know..
I knew the board of directors
reconsidered my proposal
they are no dummies.
What?
[grunting]
Oh, crap!
[mooing]
[screaming]
And stay out of the China
department! Both of you!
Alright,
now what about the camel?
Huh, I was never worried
about the camel
I just didn't want the two
of them ganging up on me.
Alright, come on, humpy,
let's go.
Sick you're offering cigarettes
to our nation's youth.
Let's go! Let's get out of here.
Move it, move it, move it!
Oh, uh, on the other hand
they only may cause cancer.
Don't let him lure you
into the desert.
[instrumental music]
Look at that, they gave
that motivational guy $25,000
to tear down the walls. Now they
are puttin' 'em right back up.
At least my idea
got a call from Bob Saget.
At least they gave you
your job back.
Yeah, thank God,
there's some sense of justice.
They must have weighed
my seven years of hard work
against the little Louder boy's
two weeks of brown noser
and booted him out.
Ian Louder didn't
get booted out.
They made him
vice president of marketing.
Oh, why didn't I take
brown nosing in college?
[laughs]
Come on, Drew
you're not really that upset
about this, are you?
I.. No, not really.
Besides he's going nowhere.
There's too many other highly
qualified blood sucking nephews
ahead of him.
You know what,
I'm gonna work even harder
to get that
promotion. It's mine.
And I don't care if nobody
in the store appreciates
how hard I work,
I am gonna get it.
Drew, could we talk?
I'll see you later, Drew.
I just wanted to thank you
for reinstating my overtime.
Now I can afford a lumberjack
with ten fingers
who speaks English.
Couldn't happen to a nicer girl.
Congratulations, Nora.
You know, Drew,
if I weren't so uptight
and scared of my emotions,
I'd kiss you right now.
- Uh..
- What the hell?
[chuckles]
I'm glad you're back.
Oh, and by the way, don't ever
tell Peter that I did that
or he'll make you sweetheart
of the logging camp.
Boy, are you in trouble,
dip squat.
There's an angry mob downstairs
expecting a bull and a camel.
Gee, where's your parents
when you really need 'em?
Yeah, you can make
jokes now, dough boy
but you're not gonna be
joking when you find out
what Mrs. Louder
wants you to do.
Oh, look, here comes Chuck now!
Put your suit on, Louder.
How come I have to be the bull?
'Cause I got the gun.
(male #1)
'Cut! Alright, everybody,
let's take five.'
'Leave the animals on the side.'
You are stepping
on my lines, man.
Hey, at least
I didn't relieve myself
in the middle of the scene.
You wanna make something of it?
I could kick your butt
from here to Bombay.
Are you talking to me?
Are you talking tome?
There's nobody else here,
so you must be talking to me.
Oh, yeah,
that's a good De Niro.
Uh-huh, come here,
I wanna show you something
in the desert.
Oh, not again.
[instrumental music]
[baby chuckles]
[instrumental music]