The Flintstones (1960) s01e21 Episode Script

What'll it be, Mac? - I'm looking for a private eye.
- Yeah? Maybe you know him? Perry Gunite? Sure.
The daddy of them all.
There he is now.
Yes, sir, Mr.
Gunite.
What'll it be? Rocks over rocks.
Yoo-hoo.
Wilma, are you home? Hi, Betty.
Just a minute.
I'll open the door.
Ta-da! What's going on? The Roller Derby? Come on in.
I'm gonna try some figure eights.
I know, the hard way.
Two fours.
Look out, Wilma! That's doing it the hard way all right.
What's this all about? I was cleaning out the storage closet, and I found this box full of souvenirs.
Some of them go way back to Boulder High.
I was wearing these skates the first time I went out with Fred.
- We went roller skating.
- What's that picture? It's Fred in uniform.
First-string catcher on the ball team.
That's me.
The one with the knobby knees.
I didn't think you were a fatso on the half-shell.
What's this, a poem? "I love thee, Wilma With hair like silk "Lips like cherries Skin like milk "Your shell-like ears Your dainty hands "And eyes so black Like frying pans" Frying pans? Oh, brother.
Fred wrote that when we were in high school.
At 16, that was beautiful.
I must show it to Fred.
He'll get a big kick out of it.
My goodness, it's 3:00.
I've got to run downtown to the jeweler's.
- The jeweler's? - Fred's birthday is next week.
I'm buying him a watch.
And it's a big secret.
So whatever you do, don't tell Barney or he'll blab to Fred.
So long.
Frying pan eyes.
- What's up? - You forgot the skates.
For goodness' sake.
And what do you want me to do with "Sonnet to Frying Pan Eyes"? Let me have it.
I'll put it in the drawer till I get back.
Remember, not a word to Barney about Fred's present.
You know me.
Hear nothing, see nothing.
You forgot something.
Yeah.
This is the hard one for me.
Say nothing.
How's about a game of badminton later on, Fred? Not tonight, Barney-boy.
I am gonna relax and watch TV.
Thanks for the lift, Barney.
See you in the morning.
Where do you think you're going? You know I always take a shortcut through your kitchen.
Tonight you're making a detour.
You're detouring around the icebox.
But, Fred, I always have a little snack before dinner.
All right, if you want a snack in the snoot open that icebox, that's all.
Not even a little antipasto? No antipasto! That'll teach you a lesson, Fred.
You ought to put your toys away.
What birdbrain left this skate here? Maybe one of the neighbors' kids? Yeah.
They're always in here asking Wilma for handouts.
You know, I haven't been on skates since I was a kid.
And you'd better stop thinking like a kid and stay off them.
Are you kidding? You think I can't skate? I wouldn't say that, Fred, but Do you belong to some good hospital plan or something? No, but keep that up, smart guy, and you'll need one.
- That's pretty good, Fred.
- I told you there was nothing to it.
- Let's face it.
You're a natural-born athlete.
- Yeah, I know.
- You're class, Fred.
- How about this one, Barney? Champ, how's about letting me try them for a while? Forget it.
I'm just starting to warm up.
Very fancy, Fred.
- Fred.
- Relax, Barney, I'm okay.
Didn't hurt a bit.
- I know.
Can I try the skates now? - No, you can't "try the skates now.
" - What's this? - What's what, Fred? Wait a minute, will you? It's terrible.
Terrible.
Here.
Read this.
Let's see.
"I love thee, Wilma With hair like silk "Lips like cherries Skin like milk" "And eyes so black Like frying pans" You're right.
It is terrible.
Eyes like frying pans? Couldn't you think of a better rhyme than that? - Don't you understand? I didn't write that.
- You didn't? Do I look like the kind of a guy who'd write that kind of goop? Not unless you're lovesick and you couldn't be as sick as this and live.
Then if you didn't write this That's it, Barney.
There's somebody else.
My Wilma.
I can't believe it.
- There now, take it easy.
- Why? Where have I failed her? - What did I do wrong? - I don't know.
Maybe you was too ambitious to get ahead in the world.
- Maybe you ignored her.
- Yeah.
Leaving her alone every night while you travel around the world on your big business deals.
Yeah.
I didn't mean to ignore her.
What big business deals? I guess I've been watching too many TV shows.
Funny.
I'm losing my wife and my best friend makes jokes.
That's why she's not home.
She's with him.
The goop writer.
If I ever lay my hands on him I'll choke him! I'll bend his head! It's me! Barney! Cut it out! I'm sorry, Barney.
I didn't know what I was doing.
Maybe whoever it is worships Wilma from afar.
After all, Wilma's a very attractive woman.
Oh, yeah? How do you know that? I'm just married, not dead.
Could be some young squirt.
Like the delivery boy.
That's it.
An impressionable kid rejected by his mother.
Yeah.
How do you know he's been rejected by his mother? I've seen the kid, he's gotta be.
Nice try, pal.
- Did you read the next stanza? - Nope, but I'll take a look.
I see what you mean, Fred.
"And when you in my arms are in "My love how can you doubt? "I quiver just like gelatin "And sometimes even break out" That don't sound like worship from afar.
That sounds like worship from very near to me.
Yeah.
- You know something else I found out? - No, what? - Once you learn it, you never forget it.
- What's that, Barney? - Roller-skating.
- Yeah, I know.
What are you talking about? Take those skates off, and get out of here! Look, I'm leaving.
Good evening.
Fred! Why are you sitting in the dark? Some people spend all their married life in the dark.
You're mad because I'm late for dinner.
I'm waiting, wife mine.
Dinner will be ready in a minute.
Do you mind warmed-over cactus stew? Never mind that.
Where were you? Well - Well - You said that.
I ran into Betty downtown.
- Yeah? - And we dropped into a movie.
Maybe you'd rather have some cold cuts for dinner instead? - What movie did you see? - What movie? Yeah, the name of the picture.
All pictures have names.
Makes it easier when they hand out Academy Awards.
That's very funny, Fred.
You kill me.
First things first.
The name? I don't know.
We came in the middle.
Oh, my, I forgot poor Dino's dinner.
Here, Dino.
Here, boy.
Here's a nice bone.
Okay, Dino's got his dinner.
So how come you're so late from seeing half a picture? They had a double feature, and I didn't see the name of that one, either.
How can you come in the middle of both pictures? - It ain't easy.
- Okay.
All right, forget it.
- I'm gonna talk to Barney.
- Good.
You run along.
I'll have dinner all fixed when you get back.
Oh, boy.
Hello, Fred.
I'm fixing Barney a TV snack.
Come on in.
- Betty, I wanna talk to you.
- Sure, Fred, what is it? Get the phone, will you, Fred? My hands are full.
Yeah.
Okay.
Hello, Betty? Wilma.
Now look, don't talk, just listen.
You've got to back me up.
It's important.
I told Fred I was with you all afternoon at the movies.
So if he asks, be a doll, and follow through for me.
- Okay, Betty? - Okay, Wilma.
- You got a cold? - Yes, a cold.
Fred, can you get the phone for me? I guess he's not back yet.
All right, I'm coming.
Hello.
Who? This is Mr.
Slagheap, the jeweler.
I'm calling about your husband's wristwatch.
The jeweler? You shouldn't have called.
Suppose my husband answered the phone? I'm terribly sorry, Mrs.
Flintstone.
I'm just checking the inscription.
Now, that was: That's right, "darling.
" Not "The only man I ever loved" "The only man I ever will love.
" My own wife.
Don't worry, my dear.
I'll rush it so that you can have it tomorrow.
Thank you.
I know you have so many others waiting.
It's so kind of you to squeeze me in.
Oh, no.
My wife falling for a playboy.
It can't be true, Fred.
Wilma involved with a playboy? Wilma's different.
She's different.
That's a wonderful quality about you, Barney.
Loyalty.
Pure blind loyalty.
Yeah, I know.
Maybe I should have married somebody like you.
It's too late, Fred.
I'm already married.
I didn't mean it that way, waterhead.
And another thing, stop defending Wilma.
I'm the innocent party, get on my side.
I am.
And on Wilma's side, too.
She ain't what it looks.
I feel it right here.
I heard it here.
And I know it here.
And when I find that playboy, he's gonna get it here.
Fred, watch it! What's the matter with you, Fred? We almost had a 7-car accident.
Who cares? I do.
Watch it, will you? - What're you gonna do here, Fred? - I ain't gonna brush up on my cha-cha.
Okay, Barney, take over.
I'll see you later.
- But, Fred - Will you stop yakking and get going? Okay, Fred, if you wanna be mysterious.
What'll it be, Mac? - I'm looking for a private eye.
- Yeah? Maybe you know him? Perry Gunite? Sure, the daddy of them all.
There he is now.
Yes, sir, Mr.
Gunite.
What'll it be? Rocks over rocks.
Yes, sir, coming right up.
- They don't come any tougher.
- Yeah.
- Bartender.
- Yes, sir? Put that in a dirty glass.
Yes, sir.
You see what I mean? Yeah.
How tough can you get? Mr.
Gunite, can I talk to you? Business or pleasure? What's your problem? - I'm a married man, and I'm miserable.
- Figures.
Some goof's been writing sickening poetry to my wife.
Figures.
I gotta find out who it is.
You gotta take my case.
We can't talk here.
Come over to my office.
Yes, sir.
We're waiting for you.
I don't know what them private eyes got but if they ever put it up in bottles, they'll make a fortune.
There isn't much money in this private eye racket - it's the fringe benefits.
- Yeah.
Morning, Brigette.
Bonjour, Monsieur Boss.
- My secretary.
- It figures.
Great secretary.
When she first came to work for me, she was all thumbs.
She ain't all thumbs now.
- Now, you think there's another man? - I don't think, I know.
He's been sending her icky stuff.
Like this.
- It's a shame.
A dirty shame.
- You bet.
- A shame I never learned to read.
- Yeah.
I'm not hiring a scholar.
I want you to find this guy.
All right, I'll take the case.
And you're gonna take it on the chin, buster.
Well, it's Knuckles Stickazora.
Listen, Knuckles, this town's not big enough for both of us.
I'm giving you 24 hours to get out of town.
Okay, boys, take care of him.
Remember, 24 hours.
I just can't believe that about Wilma.
No, sir, she's just not the type.
I know what I'll do.
I'll go back and talk Wilma out of it.
That's what I'll do.
Fred's gonna love this watch.
Especially the inscription.
That couldn't be Fred.
I better hide this, just in case.
Wilma, you home? I think so.
- Wilma, I gotta talk to you right away.
- Sure, Barney, come on in.
Thanks, Wilma.
- What're you looking for? - I'm looking for him.
Him? What him? There's no him around here.
Fred's out of his mind.
You've gotta leave him.
Fred? But he's my husband.
- Exactly.
And he loves you.
- Sure.
And I love him.
- Then how could you? - How could I what? Wilma, Fred knows, and I know.
Tell me.
I'd like to join the club.
Wilma, please be serious.
My wife and my best friend.
As my Chinese compatriot says, "That's the way the egg rolls.
" What'll I do? There's only one way to handle a delicate situation like this.
- I'll tear him limb from limb.
- That's the way.
Where to? To put a little snake in the grass into orbit.
- That's where to.
- Okay.
- How could you do such a thing to Fred? - Do what to Fred? Don't pretend.
I know how women are.
They all crave excitement, romance.
But not you, Wilma.
Call him, Wilma.
Tell him it was just one of those things.
Tell him that it's all over now.
Do it for Fred.
Wait a minute.
Who am I calling? You know who.
The goop writer.
The skunk that wrote: "Shell-like ears Dainty hands "Eyes so black Like frying pans" That skunk was Fred.
- Fred? - Yes, Fred.
He wrote it to me when we were in high school.
It was so long ago he must have forgotten he did it.
Wait till Fred finds out that the other man is himself.
I'm sticking around till he gets home.
We should have a load of laughs.
First thing I'm gonna do is punch him right in the nose.
Talking to me, sir? - No, me.
Just step on it.
- Right, sir.
"To my darling, the only man I ever will love.
"From his Wilma.
" I guess I'm just as cornball as Fred when it comes to writing poetry.
I think it's beautiful.
It'll get Fred right here.
- The watch.
It fell under the couch.
- I hope it didn't break.
Don't worry.
I see it, way in the back.
Wait a minute.
Why should I act primitive? Barney's a sweet little guy even though I can't trust him.
After all, we're adults, civilized.
I'll wish them the best, and if the best man has won c'est la guerre.
I'll be cool, calm.
I'll even laugh.
Fred, I didn't expect you so early.
Good evening, my dear little wife.
Get out from under that couch, you homewrecker! - It's no use hiding, you little lizard! - Are you off your rocker? Fred, I wanna talk to you.
Why talk? Maybe you'd rather hear some poetry.
"Eyes so black Like frying pans" - You've got nothing to worry about.
- I know.
Not a thing, pal.
Silly old me.
I've been worrying my fool head off over this.
When was that taken? This afternoon when you were supposed to be working.
Yes, and instead he was over here trying to get me to give up the author of that corny poetry who happens to be you.
- Me? - Yes, you.
I've got a box full of that stuff.
Yeah.
You wrote it when you was in high school.
- I wrote it? - You did.
You also wrote: "You're a perfect peach, my love "Together we're a pair" "You're sweet, you're nice "You're paradise "And all kind of stuff like that there" Yeah, I remember.
And even though you don't deserve it, here's your birthday present.
"To my darling "the only man I ever will love.
"From his Wilma.
" Wilma, honey, I'm sorry.
I've been a jealous fool, a skunk, a nut.
Who's arguing with you, you big dope? So long, you lovebirds.
- Will you ever forgive me? - I don't know why I should.
Please, one more chance.
Before I do, if I do I wanna know one thing, Fred Flintstone.
What? Anything.
Ask me.
Go ahead.
Ask me.
What? Do I still have eyes as black as frying pans? You sure do, honey.
You sure do.
Wilma.
Come on, Wilma, open this door!