The Mary Tyler Moore Show (1970) s01e21 Episode Script

How will you make it on your own This world is awfully big And, girl this time you're all alone But it's time you started living It's time you let someone else do some giving Love is all around No need to waste it You can have the town Why don't you take it You might just make it After all You might just make it after all I just never saw Mr.
Grant so happy.
When he walked down the aisle with his daughter on his arm, he was positively glowing.
Because he and I spent a few hours before the wedding working on that glow.
Oh.
Gee, I don't know what it is about weddings, but everybody is so happy and filled with love.
- Even the weather was lovely.
- It had to be.
I predicted rain.
- Hey, Lou! - Hey.
- Congratulations.
- What a terrific wedding.
It was.
We were just talking about it.
- Coffee? - Oh, I'd love it.
Thank you.
It was a terrific wedding, wasn't it? Even the kids had a really good time.
- Too bad they had to leave so early.
- I didn't see them leave.
Yeah, remember after the ceremony when they walked back up the aisle? They just kept right on going, right in their car.
We got outside just in time to throw rice at their skid marks.
Who needs a bride and groom for a great wedding, huh? And it was a great wedding.
Yeah.
You know, that woman, my wife, raised three daughters from scratch.
Three daughters, three weddings.
Now they're all out on their own.
Their lives are ahead of them, and ours Suddenly our house is so quiet.
- Must be an awful feeling.
- No, it's a great feeling! For the first time in our lives, we can be alone together.
Come on.
You must have been alone together when you were first married.
No.
We moved in with her folks.
We didn't move out until our first daughter was born.
Then our second daughter was born.
Then our third daughter was born.
It seems like most of our marriage we spent with a kid in wet pajamas in bed between us.
I don't know how we ever had the third kid.
Hey, wait till you see what I got here.
Guess what this is.
It looks like one of those artificial logs.
- It's one of those artificial logs.
- That was my next guess.
Tonight I'm gonna go home early, I'm gonna put the chain on the lock, - soft music on the FM, - [Gordy.]
Hmm.
- and light my log.
- All right.
The wife and I will have a few drinks, you know, kind of relax, and then Well, i-if you guys want to, uh, talk, I've got some work.
No, no, no, no.
That's all I was planning to tell anyway.
Don't you guys have some work to do? - Oh, uh, Mr.
Grant.
- Huh? Listen, now that the, uh, wedding is over, - and you and Mrs.
Grant are free - What is it, Mary? I was just wondering if you and Mrs.
Grant would like to come to my house for dinner one night this week.
- This week, huh? - Well, yeah.
Just a nice, quiet evening with the boss for dinner and all.
- This week, huh? - Yeah, is this week bad for you? Well, yeah, as a matter of fact, it is.
I plan to be burning a lot of logs this week.
Oh.
Oh, well, then, uh, next week.
Better.
Much better.
The fire oughta be dying down by then.
- Hey, everybody! - Hiya, Gordy.
- Hey, everybody! - Hiya, Gordy.
Great day, isn't it? If you call a driving rainstorm with occasional hail a great day.
You don't understand.
When a weatherman predicts showers and gets a rainstorm like this, it's like [Imitating Bat Hitting Ball.]
hittin' a home run with the bases loaded.
[Typewriter Keys Clacking.]
- Hi, Lou.
- Hi, Lou.
Good morning, Mr.
Grant.
Five mornings in a row.
Maybe he's having trouble lighting his log.
[Phone Buzzing.]
- Yes, Mr.
Grant.
- Mary, come in here! Yes, I'll be right there, sir.
Good luck.
- Yes, sir? - Who messed up my desk? Well, I straightened it up for you.
I don't like it straightened up.
I like it unstraightened up.
I sorted all your papers and put them in your drawer.
They're at your fingertips.
No, the top of my empty desk is at my fingertips.
What I'm trying to say is, my desk is my castle.
For years, when people saw my messy desk, they knew I was working.
Now they come in, they see a clean desk, they know you're working.
I want 'em to know I'm working.
- Do I make myself clear? - Uh, you'd like your mess back? Very much.
I think this pile was here.
This was here.
There.
There.
There.
- Anything else? - No, that's about it for now.
Oh, Mr.
Grant, uh, about a week ago, I asked if you and Mrs.
Grant would like to come to my house for dinner.
Well, it's, uh, been about a week.
I was wondering if you'd like to come over, uh, tomorrow night.
No, I don't think so.
- Oh.
- Well, you see, uh, tomorrow night's not too good.
I'm, uh I mean, uh Oh, listen, no, I understand.
That's No Uh, you and Mrs.
Grant have made plans to go out or maybe you're just staying home.
In any case, you've made some sort of plans to maybe do nothing at all, right? Yeah, it's in there somewhere.
Well, uh, some-some other time then.
Uh-huh.
Rhoda called.
She wants you to pick her up after work.
Sure, everybody always wants you to pick 'em up after work.
- Huh? - I'm sorry, Murray.
I'm a little upset.
Yeah, coming out of that door seems to do that to people.
Murray, when you and your wife came to my house for dinner, you had a good time, didn't you? We had a great time.
You're a terrific cook.
Oh, I'm a terrific cook! Now, look, Mary, the reason Marie and I haven't invited you for dinner - Oh, Murray, no, I wasn't - No, Mary, we want to.
Murray, no.
I don't want to come to your house for dinner! - Oh.
- What I'm trying to say is Murr, if you're having trouble getting people to come to your house for dinner, I'd love to.
- When is it? - Murray, look.
I don't know how the subject got around to your house for dinner, but what I was talking about was the Grants refusing to come to my house for dinner.
- Then it's at your place? - Ted, there is no dinner.
It's been canceled.
That's too bad.
I was looking forward to it.
Maybe Mr.
Grant just doesn't believe in socializing with the people he works with.
I don't think that's it.
When Marie and I had the Grants for dinner You had them, uh, for dinner? - Well, only three or four times.
- Th-Three But you're right, Mary.
They didn't enjoy it.
Well, they certainly enjoyed it at my place.
- Y-You had them too? - Oh, yes.
And I really put out a great gourmet spread.
Boy, did they eat it up.
You know, there wasn't one piece of chicken left in that bucket.
It seems that everybody here has had the Grants for dinner, except me.
Now, look, Mary.
Lou is the kind of guy that goes to a lot of banquets and dinners.
He was probably busy for the night you asked him for.
- Think so? - Sure.
Why don't you pick another night when he's free? - [Snaps Fingers.]
- I will.
- Uh, Mr.
Grant? - Mm-hmm? Are you busy Thursday night? Thursday night? No, I don't think so.
- Oh, good.
- Why? Because I want to have you and Mrs.
Grant to my house for dinner.
Ohh.
Ohh, uh Oh, uh, I just remembered, Mary.
I'm sorry, but we are kind of busy on Thursday night.
Well, that's No, that's okay, 'cause I just, uh, remembered that I'm, um, kind of busy on Thursday night too.
[Door Closes.]
[Door Closes.]
I just wish I knew why Mr.
Grant keeps turning me down.
I know what you mean.
It's been years, and I still don't know why they turned me down for that stewardess job.
Oh, come on, Rhoda.
Lots of girls don't make it as stewardesses.
For a bus company? Maybe your boss just doesn't like you.
Oh, thanks.
I really needed that.
Could be his wife, Mar.
Maybe she can't stand you.
I've gotta find out.
- I'm gonna call her.
- Good.
Hey, if they accept, tell them to bring their own pizza.
Hello, uh, Mrs.
Grant.
[Clears Throat.]
It's, uh, Mary Richards.
Oh, I'm fine, thank you.
Mrs.
Grant, I'm just calling to find out if you and Mr.
Grant would like to come over and have dinner with me one night this week or next week.
Whenever.
You say.
You're kidding.
Well, Mrs.
Grant, l-I'm, uh, awfully sorry that I bothered you.
Good-bye.
Oh, Mary, kid.
Listen, when I said she hated you She doesn't hate me, Rhoda.
It's worse.
She and Mr.
Grant have separated.
So this old Italian fisherman was walking down the road.
This-This is really a great story.
It's just funny.
And this car goes by, and this little boy sticks his head out the window and he says, "Hey, old fisherman!" The old fisherman says, " Hey, that's-a no way to talk-a to a fisherman, huh?" [Chuckling.]
And then the boy says the boy says Oh, wait.
The father of the boy says Hey, what did he say? - Ted! - Don't tell me.
Don't tell me.
This is gonna be one of those big jokes.
I can tell.
- [Murray.]
Hi, Mary.
- Wait a minute! I know the punch line.
I just have to get all that stuff up front.
- Mr.
Grant in? - Not yet.
I guess I'll just ask Chuckles the Clown.
Gee, he got such a big laugh this morning when he told it on his show.
Chuckles gets laughs no matter what joke he tells.
When he gets to the punch line, his nose lights up and his pants fall down.
- Mary, what's wrong? - Oh, nothing.
I'm just a little depressed, that's all.
It's nothing.
- Hi, Lou.
- Good morning, Murray.
Mary, would you please get Mrs.
Grant on the phone for me? Oh, yes, sir! I'd be delighted to get Mrs.
Grant on the phone for you.
I'll have to remember that the next time I get depressed.
Just get Mrs.
Grant on the phone.
Hello, Mrs.
Grant.
Good morning.
Hi.
Mr.
Grant's calling.
One moment, please.
Mr.
Grant, good morning.
Hi.
Mrs.
Grant on two.
Gonna keep it to yourself or tell your fellow worker? Well, I just feel great.
And I feel great just seeing you feel great.
What's so great? Well, Mr.
Grant is calling Mrs.
Grant, and His light just went out.
Come in.
- Mr.
Grant? - Mm-hmm? - I need your signature on these.
- What are you so happy about? Mr.
Grant, look, I know I'm not supposed to know, but now that you and Mrs.
Grant are back together again, I know, and I am very, very happy.
- You're also very, very wrong.
- Wrong? Very, very.
I just assumed that when you called Mrs.
Grant Mary, the reason I called Mrs.
Grant was because I had all these dirty shirts.
I asked her if she'd still do them for me.
She said she'd just as soon not.
Mr.
Grant, I'm very sorry that you're separated.
I'm not.
I'm not.
I look at a separation like I look at two boxers going to their corners between rounds.
That doesn't mean the fight is over, Mary.
Just means they're resting.
I know, but last week when you went home to your wife with your log, you just seemed so - Look, this is none of my business.
- No, no, no, please sit.
I'm glad you brought this up.
You see, you're about the only person whose opinion I value around here.
Thank you, Mr.
Grant.
I do try to Because I know you won't do anything stupid like try to give me advice or comment in any way whatsoever.
Oh.
When I went home early last week, I was really looking forward to being alone with my wife.
When I got there, I was alone, all right.
- No wife.
- Where was she? Enrolling at the University of Minnesota.
My wife's a coed.
Well, Mr.
Grant, she was probably looking for a way to fill her days.
Mary, what I think you just said is a comment.
Right.
Sorry.
It's just that it's very hard not to comment when you care.
Do you know what it's like to come home and find a 43-year-old woman doing homework? She doesn't study all the time.
No, the rest of the time she sleeps.
You get very tired when you're doing homework, you know? Finally it got so bad, I had to lay down the law.
I said, " Edie, if you don't quit school right now, I am walking.
" Just to give it more emphasis, I started walking toward the door.
I figured she'd call my name, and that would be it.
But I didn't hear my name.
So I started walking slower and slower.
The next thing I knew, I was in St.
Paul.
Uh, where are you staying? A hotel.
How's Mrs.
Grant doing? Oh, B's and C's.
I meant how is she doing living alone? She doesn't seem to mind it.
Her schoolwork, uh, takes up most of her time.
I'd heard about this change-of-life thing, but I never thought it would be mine.
Well, Mr.
Grant, I know you've heard this too, but, well, if there's anything I can do Oh.
Thanks, Mary.
Ah! Listen, don't worry.
She'll be calling me pretty soon.
I'll win.
[Ted.]
That's-a no way to talk to a fisherman, huh? Then the father of the boy says I wrote it down so I'd get it right.
The father of the boy says, " Yeah, but that's a great way to talk to a" Can you make that last word out? - Looks like, um, "muflaff.
" - "Muflaff.
" [Chortling.]
I see nothing happened while I was gone.
It still isn't happening.
Ted's been trying to tell the same joke for the past 20 minutes.
- Good.
I could use a laugh right now.
- You better not listen to him.
What did Lou get you for this time? Oh, Murray, I wish I could tell you, but it's kind of a personal matter and I can't tell you.
About Lou and his wife breaking up? - When did you find out? - Lou called me the night it happened.
Talking about the Grants? Too bad.
Say, can you make this word out, Murray? - Ted, you knew too? - Well, sure.
- We all know.
- I guess you're the last to find out.
But don't feel bad, Mary.
It's something guys tell guys.
It's not the kind of thing a woman can help you with.
Uh Mary.
Yes, Mr.
Grant.
It just occurred to me that I could use a little female advice.
You're a woman.
I'd really like to hear what you have to say about all this.
Well, I'd be glad to, Mr.
Grant.
- Yes, glad to.
- Well, what about tonight? We could go downstairs and have a cocktail.
That would be great.
Fine.
Yes, I'd like that very much.
Hey, if any of you other guys wanna join us for a few blasts tonight, you're all welcome.
[People Chattering.]
Bourbon and Seven.
- Scotch rocks.
- Mm-hmm.
Scotch water.
Crème de menthe frappé for the lady.
Oh, no, that's for him.
So that's why your tongue is always green.
Here, I got it.
Happy hour is over in four minutes.
- Shall I order your next round now? - Yeah.
I'll care of it.
- No, I got it.
- Look, Gordy, I'll take care of it.
- I got it.
- I have some extra money.
Hold it, hold it, hold it! I have a simple solution to the problem.
Murray said it first, so he pays.
- Gordy gets the third round.
- Who's got the round after Gordy? - I guess that's you, Mar.
- [Lou.]
Ted! I'm just kidding.
Can't you tell I'm kidding? Well, here we are.
- Yeah.
- Uh-huh.
Sure is good to be out drinking with the boys.
It's healthy to get away from our wives once in a while.
- I'll drink to that.
- [Lou.]
Amen.
Say, Gordy, what did the Twins do last night? Oh, it was too much.
They were falling all over themselves.
Gordy, I didn't know you had twins! No, Mary.
He's talking about the Minnesota Twins.
- You know, baseball? Round, white ball? - Yes, I know, Mr.
Grant.
- I just thought - No, don't apologize.
You're just being a typical woman.
You give a woman a big, thick newspaper, she always picks out the sports page to put under the dog food dish.
My old lady does the same kind of thing.
Soon as she hears the kickoff on television, that's when she turns on the vacuum cleaner.
- That's another one.
- My old lady used to do the same thing.
That's why I moved out.
What are you talking about? You've never been married.
Well, it's just as hard living with a mother as it is with a wife.
Oh, a real old lady.
Imagine my wife wanting to improve herself by going back to school.
And at her age.
She doesn't want to be a housewife anymore, so what's she taking in college? Home economics.
She's going for her master's, then a PhD.
Mr.
Grant, that's terrific.
What's the matter with that? For one thing, I don't want us to be introduced as Mr.
and Dr.
Grant.
- Oh! - Women, they don't know what they want.
Are you sure you know what you want, Mr.
Grant? I know exactly what I want.
Here's the second round.
- Thanks, Murr.
- Oh, it's, uh, my pleasure, Ted.
Why don't you try it sometimes, see what it's like? I'd like to propose a toast.
To men's lib.
- Let's hang on to what little we've got.
- I'll drink to that.
Hold it! I, uh, can't drink to that.
Mr.
Grant, you invited me so that you could hear a woman's point of view.
And I've appreciated it.
But I haven't said anything.
I have been sitting here like some kind of idiot, acting like I agree with everything you've said.
We respect you for that, Mar.
That's right.
You're some kind of woman.
But I don't agree with everything you've said.
- Uh-oh.
- As a matter of fact, I don't agree with anything you've said.
That's because you're a woman and you're on their side.
Sides? Oh, Mr.
Grant, that is just dumb.
And that was an unfortunate choice of words.
I mean, you're sitting here, your wife is sitting at home, and you're both miserable.
You're not winning anything, Mr.
Grant.
You're both losing.
- What's she getting so excited about? - Well, he asked me.
- No, I didn't.
- Yes, you did, earlier back at the office.
Oh, yeah.
Look, I'm sorry if I put a damper on things, but you'd rather have me be honest, wouldn't you? No, I don't think so.
Listen, uh, I've got a date.
I really have to be going.
- Please, don't anybody get up.
- How are you gonna get out? You're right.
Everybody up, please.
Thank you very much, and I'll see you all at the office tomorrow.
- Can I have your drink, Mar? - Yeah, sure, Ted.
- Good night.
- Good night.
Stick to your guns, Lou.
Once you let a woman push you around, you're sunk.
- What time you got, Gordy? - Quarter to 8:00.
Ooh, I better get going.
I told Marie I had a news conference until 7:30.
Now I have to think of some new kind of excuse.
Wait a minute.
I'll walk out with you.
I want to say good night to my kids.
- See you tomorrow.
- See you in the morning! I suppose you have to get somewhere too? Oh, no, Lou.
We can stay out as late as you want.
Hey, Lou, I got a great idea.
There's this new club we could go to across town.
I understand it's a pretty "risky" show.
No, l I don't think so, Ted.
Hey, Ted? Have you got a dime? Why? Is it my turn to leave a tip? - No, I gotta make a phone call.
- Oh, sure, Lou.
Thanks.
Edie? Lou.
How you doin'? [Chuckles.]
Yeah.
Yeah.
Me Me too.
Uh listen, Edie, uh, if you're if you're not doing anything tonight, I'm comin' home.
Yeah.
Yeah, l I know what you mean, baby.
Me too.
Yeah, all right.
What? Oh.
Okay.
Quart of milk.
Pound of butter.
Bacon.
American cheese.
And an artificial log.
All right, bye-bye.
- [Rings.]
- Newsroom.
Oh, hello, Mrs.
Grant.
Yes, he is.
Just a moment, please.
Uh, Mr.
Grant, Mrs.
Grant on two.
I know why she's calling.
Remember inviting Mrs.
Grant and me for dinner? Of course I do.
When would you like to come? Tuesday, Wednesday, you name it.
- We can't make it.
- Oh.
But she would like you to come to our place for dinner tonight.
Tonight? Well, thank you.
Yes, I'd like to do that.
We're having chilled vichyssoise, veal scallopini, noodles almondine and baked Alaska.
Sounds terrific! Leftovers from her home economics test.
Well, that's okay.
Listen, I love leftovers.
She got a C-minus.
[Mews.]