The Persuaders (1971) s01e21 Episode Script

Volume three, chapter 74, Memoirs Of A Fighting Man.
Dictation begins.
'Twas the eve of battle.
I addressed my troops.
"When this battle goes down in history, "it will be remembered as a bloody massacre.
"Fix your bayonets.
"Let them feel a touch of good old cold British steel" That's Cousin Onslow.
All the best, old man.
Have a safe trip.
That's Uncle Lance.
He inherited a vast number of shares in a distillery and has been drinking its output ever since.
To your health, Uncle.
My uncle, the Admiral.
He would have been a great sailor, only he gets seasick even walking up the plank.
- Uncle Angus.
- If I just had my pipes on me, och, man, but I would play you the fine lament.
If he's your uncle, why is he wearing a skirt? Cousin Roland.
Australian branch of the family.
Gets a little emotional, huh? It's my turn.
Don't take it so hard, Roland.
I'm not, it's just that lilies give me terrible hay fever.
Well, there we are, My Lord.
All done.
May I compliment you on your choice of caskets? Best English oak, should last a lifetime.
If he complains, you'll be the first to know.
You know, your uncle didn't have a lot of friends, it looks like.
No, he kept himself very much to himself, especially after his dishonourable discharge from the army.
What happened? Oh, he broke through the lines of a German supply dump, blew up three ammunition trains, six tanks, and killed or wounded at least 350 Germans.
- Did he do that all by himself? - Mm-hmm.
- Did they give him a medal? - No.
It was three months after the war ended.
You shouldn't smoke in here.
It's all right, as long as you're careful with your ashes.
Are, uh all the Sinclairs buried here? No, only the dead ones.
Now, will you stop fooling around? I want to know about the upper class English way of death.
It varies from family to family.
We Sinclairs all end up here.
This is my space, reserved for me the day I was born.
Well, you certainly have a nice view.
You shouldn't make jokes here.
We'll have a drink with the Duke and then I'll drive back to town.
We're off, Rollo's giving me a lift.
Nice to have seen you again, Onslow.
- Cousin Roland.
- Roland, Onslow, a pleasure.
Your Lordship, you go on inside, say goodbye.
- Well, I'll be just a moment.
- Right.
Hmm, nice.
Not Adonis but nice.
I'm Kate.
- Kate Sinclair, Brett's cousin.
- It's a pleasure to meet you.
- Dear Brett has been holding out.
- Not really.
Sinclair women are not important, only the male line.
I see.
What do you do, Kate? I write detective stories - very good ones, that's why I'm here.
You see, Sir Randolph was murdered.
And I'm very much afraid the murderer must have read my second novel.
- Oh.
- The death scene was just the same.
Danny Yeah, right, yeah.
This is my uncle, His Grace the Duke of Caith.
- Pleasure to meet you.
- How do you do? The annoying thing is with a death, the line of succession changes and all the records have to be altered, the genealogical charts - Good heavens! - Come inside, Uncle.
Danny! That way, the shrubbery! - Sit down.
- I'm perfectly all right! - Please stop fussing.
- But it was a very near thing! My estate manager has been telling me for years to fix that balustrade.
- You think it was an accident? - Of course, what else could it be? You're-you're not suggesting that someone pushed it, are you? Kate, my dear, get me a brandy, there's a good girl.
Certainly.
I could do with one of those, too.
I'm going to look for Daniel.
- Uncle Lance, where've you been? - Wandering around.
- What happened out there? - It fell.
Nasty, could've killed somebody.
Ooh, thank you.
- Cheers.
I'll go look for Daniel.
- I'll come with you.
There you are, Uncle Lance.
Do save some for the Duke.
- Daniel! - Daniel! Danny.
Danny! - Well, at least he's alive.
- With a lump the size of an egg.
- I bet he'll say, "Where am I?" - No, it'll be "What happened?" - Who hit me? - We were both wrong.
- Come on, on your feet.
- Here.
- Did you see anything? - No, I didn't.
- At least we're on the right track.
- Right.
Let's take a look around.
Can you walk? Come on, follow me.
There are going to be more deaths in the family.
- You can count on it.
- Kate, it's your imagination.
You have written too many crime stories.
Sir Randolph, then the Admiral, that pot could've been two more The arm of coincidence can't be that long.
All right, all right.
But what is the motive? The plot of a book I once wrote.
Distant relative of a titled family kills off everyone between him and the title, finally inherits Duke's fortune, how's that? It's ridiculous.
I am next in line, so they'd have to kill the Duke and then - Right.
- He just got it.
- No.
- You must admit it's a possibility.
No! It couldn't be! Take the people who were at the funeral today - er, Roland.
Roland is seventh in line.
He'd have to kill seven people for the title.
- Five - two are dead.
- I'm a liar for two.
Onslow would have to kill four, Lance would only have to knock off three.
- Right.
- Just a moment.
My memory not being what it was, I will refer to Burke's.
Take third cousin Winslow, for instance.
He is 137th in line, so he'd have to kill 137 people to get the title.
Well, suppose he's an ambitious kid? Ambition? It wouldn't be ambition, that would be war! - No, there's another explanation.
- Oh, forget it.
Here, kid.
Have it your way.
We're going out for dinner.
You like Chinese? He hates Chinese.
You don't wanna come, do you? You make the invitation sound almost irresistible.
I'll skip it.
I thought so.
Your car or mine? Mine.
It's got an ejector seat.
The Duke me Sir Angus Sir Randolph the Admiral Lance, Onslow # My baby left me # Never said another a word, no, no, no, she never did now # My baby left me, woo # Never said a word, mmm! # - Hello? - Onslow? It's Brett.
Sorry to worry you, but when you and Roland left after the funeral, were you together all the time? Yes.
Rollo gave me a lift home.
You were never out of one another's sight? No.
Not for a moment.
We didn't separate till he dropped me off here.
Oh, sorry.
No, no, nothing important.
Yes, I'll see you.
Bye.
Thank you.
Mmm.
You've had six Pekingese duck dinners.
- Do you always eat this much? - Only when I'm happy.
Well, then, you must be very happy.
Hysterically happy.
Do you have any idea who pushed down that urn? Not really.
Do you? - Those two guys that left early.
- Onslow and Roland.
- Right.
- Mm-hmm? - Now, they left together - Mmm.
but they could've split up and one could've gone back.
Possible.
It's easy enough to check up on.
I mean, if they both say they were together all the time, - then they're both in the clear.
- Right.
Where do we find them? That's easy enough.
Onslow lives just round the corner.
We could drop in on him.
Later.
That's it, the basement of the white building.
- You wait here.
- Should I come with you? Wait here.
- What was all that about? - Onslow had a visitor.
He wasn't kidding! What was he doing in the flat? Let's go find out.
Don't! A nice touch, Lord Sinclair.
Thank you, I I think Onslow would've liked it.
No offence, Your Lordship, but it pays to be prepared.
Make that two pairs of pants.
Daniel, he is not a tailor.
Well, a pattern seems to be emerging, I think.
- The Duke's in the clear, right? - Yes.
- And you're OK.
What's his name? - Sir Angus.
He must be OK - there's no point knocking off anyone below him, right? So that makes these four potential victims.
You're such a great comfort, Kate.
Right, and three - one, two, three - dead.
Which means one of these is the murderer.
We have a wide choice.
One murderer and the rest of us become - as Kate so quaintly puts it - potential victims.
What are you gonna do, let the undertaker get rich? - Well, what else can we do? - We're gonna be private bodyguards.
We'll each take a member of the family - and stick to him like glue.
- That's a marvellous idea.
Nobody would dare do anything with all of us watching so closely.
- Mmm.
- Here.
You take Sir Angus.
- I'll take Lance, you take Roland.
- Great.
What? Don't you like the idea? Well, guarding a likely victim is one thing but you could be moving in with a murderer.
But you can't be serious.
I mean, why should anyone want to murder me? To eliminate you from the line of inheritance.
- What is this? - It's a Zulu warrior's club.
Do you honestly believe that someone would kill just to get a title? Frankly, yes.
But it's not just the title, it's the family fortune, the lands and estates, the houses and everything in them.
It must amount to millions.
When you put it that way, I suppose it is - Please be careful, it's fragile! - It's a sling, isn't it? Quite possibly the one that David killed Goliath with.
Oh.
I didn't know you were so interested in this sort of thing.
It all started when I went to Australia.
Aborigines' weapons haven't changed since the Stone Age.
Since then, I've become an expert on primitive weapons.
No, do please be careful.
That's a South American blow dart - tipped with poison.
The tiniest scratch from this and you could be dead within seconds.
- I'd better go up and unpack.
- Right, right.
- It's at the top of the stairs.
- Fine.
Tell me, who else in the family is getting the bodyguard treatment? Brett is watching Uncle Angus but it's Danny I feel sorry for.
He's stuck with Uncle Lance.
Uncle Lance? Uncle Lance.
Uncle Lance.
This place is built like a fort.
Oh, safe as houses in here, old boy, relax, relax.
Have a drink.
Try this, I made it myself.
I'd like your opinion.
Nice colour - What do you think? - Mmm.
Certainly has something.
Could use a little more body but it's really a nice wine.
- That's what I do.
Drink.
- Oh.
- In the course of duty.
I make wine.
- Good for you.
I've spent my life, you know, trying to create the great, the magnificent, the truly perfect wine.
So far I've failed.
You ought to try grapes.
But I think I'm near a breakthrough.
Come and see, come and see.
I've got a batch fermenting here that promises well.
- You're not gonna drink that? - Oh, not immediately.
No, this has got to mellow, to age.
I shan't be touching that until tomorrow night.
I think we'd better check the security.
- Can we stay down here tonight? - Splendid idea.
Let's drink to it.
Wait.
We're trying to protect you.
We gotta cool it with the wine, the drinking.
Absolutely right.
Just the one bottle.
OK.
When.
Oh.
I think your pipes just died, Uncle Angus.
It's a fine, stirring sound.
Do you know I play the pipes every day in life? Now we must go inside and have our supper.
I've got a special treat.
Scotland's greatest delicacy - the haggis! Ha ha! Then when we're finished, I will play you a beautiful selection of highland lament.
- More coffee? - Hmm? Coffee? Oh, yes, thank you.
As I was saying, I've made a deep study of the drugs and poisons used by primitive peoples.
Before Western man discovered them, they made not only poisons but medicines, salves, painkillers, tonics, sleeping draughts Mmm.
That's very interesting, Roland.
Drink your coffee while it's hot.
I feel so so tired.
I feel so tired.
Lance, we've had enough wine.
It's no bother.
You'll like this one if I can find it.
Lance, dear, it's me! - It's my sister.
- OK.
- Thank you.
- May I take the tray? Why don't you take this? It's awfully heavy.
It's chilly in here.
Lance, dear, I brought a little refreshment, some of that Spam those nice Americans left.
- Well, thank you, Agatha.
- Yes, there we are.
It's very beautiful.
Thank you.
- Oh, it's half past ten precisely.
- Deaf as a post.
Lady Agatha, Danny Wilde.
- How do you do? - Oh.
It's a pleasure.
There's a very strong family resemblance.
- I beg your pardon? - A strong family resemblance.
I wouldn't know, would I? I've never met your family.
I don't mean my family, I mean your family - Brett.
Brett, your nephew? Oh, it's the same in our family, isn't it, Lance, dear? They say our nephew Brett bears a strong resemblance to me.
Oh.
Well, thanks for the supper.
I told you, it's half past ten, it hasn't really changed since then.
Oh, Lance.
Lance, I nearly forgot.
Is there anybody you know called Danny Wilde? - That's me.
- Why didn't you say so before? There's a call for you in the library.
- Thanks.
- The library.
Follow me.
You stay here, I'm gonna lock the door.
Drink your tea before it gets cold, Lance.
- Watch yourself, Lance.
- It's here somewhere.
Ooh, that was a bad year.
- Hello? - Danny, Roland's on the loose.
He tried to drug me.
- 'Is everything all right with you? ' - Yes, fine.
I am sure that Roland is our man.
I tried to follow him but he fixed the car so I'll have to call a cab.
- You ring Brett and warn him.
OK.
- Bye.
You beautiful creature You're not it.
Ah Oh, possibly, possibly.
Oh, no, you killed Uncle Arthur.
Oh, thank you very much.
Ah! That's the fellow.
Back a bit, back a bit, will you? What are you doing? Hey! Help! Yeah, right.
OK.
Mm-hmm.
Eureka.
That's the one! I said that wine needed a little more body in it.
Poor Uncle Lance.
He went down gurgling.
You know, I am convinced that it's Roland.
- What makes you so sure? - Well everything points to Roland except for one thing.
- What's that? - Remember the first funeral? Roland and Onslow were supposed to have driven off together, right? If that is true, how could Roland have pushed that urn or murdered the Admiral? Suppose they didn't drive off together? Suppose they went off separately and one of 'em came back? Brett asked Onslow and he said they did drive off together.
Now, wait a minute.
Onslow could be lying.
Roland could've told him some kind of story After all, Onslow ain't a brainchild.
- His car's back.
- Here.
- I can't change that, sir.
- Keep it.
That's a blowgun.
Roland! A dart.
Dead.
He was writing something when I "Kate, I know you won't let me out of your sight "so I gave you a mild sedative.
"I think I know who the murderer is "but I won't risk your life taking you with me.
Roland.
" Oh, no.
The way it's going, Mr Beebe, it might be more economical to open a branch office here.
I could give you a discount for quantity.
That's exceedingly generous but I trust the boom is over.
I understand.
We have to take the good with the bad, My Lord.
Well, it hardly seems worth leaving.
Yeah, right.
Well, never say die, you know.
You have a marvellous way with a phrase.
Why don't you go on a holiday? Well, it's an original way of sending a present.
I suppose it is for me Get in the car, George! Oaf, they're probably Havanas.
Havanas? - That convinces me of one thing.
- What's that? - I'm next on the list.
- You're right.
Uh, George Who's that out there? Who is it?! Relax, Brett, Angus is safe in that fortress.
Don't worry.
Well, Daniel, I never thought I'd be glad to hear that sound again.
Away you go! I'm not letting anybody in! Away you go with your tootings! I'm not letting anybody in here.
Uncle Angus, it's Brett! I'm here with my friend Danny Wilde.
If you are really Brett, you'll know what we had for supper the other night.
Haggis, followed by four and a half hours of pipe music.
Oh, man, you really are Brett.
Wait, and I'll let you in.
Thank you.
Now, if the rest had been as cautious, they'd be alive - What have you got? - Those are bolts.
Uncle Angus! Uncle Angus, don't touch the gates! Don't! Poor Uncle Angus.
Meanest man I ever met.
Must've been worth millions.
Imagine, all that money and he died flat.
"To lose a relative is misfortune, to lose two is carelessness.
" Oscar Wilde.
- But six is downright negligence.
- What's your plan? - Simple.
- What? First, I make sure my life insurance is paid up.
Then I erm - Go ahead.
- That's as far as I've got.
- Then we'll do it my way.
- Which is? - We just flush the murderer out.
- But how do we do that? Brett moves in with the Duke so we have the two victims.
I'm not going to like this.
Then we set 'em up as an easy target.
I'm definitely not going to like this.
And when they go after you, we're ready and able and I hope.
Come on, you want a sandwich? Howdy.
Is everything OK? - So far.
- It's quiet as a grave out there.
I wish I could say the same here.
Who are you? Oh.
You nearly frightened the life out of me with that mask.
Well, let's get on with it, shall we? Well, I'm going back out.
I'll come with you.
I hate waiting about.
- How do you think I feel? - I told you not to worry.
With me around, what could happen? - Well done.
- See you later.
You sure he's a friend of yours? - Shouldn't we stay near the house? - Uh-uh.
They make a good target in that lighted room.
We've taken the proper precautions.
- Why didn't you tell me? - We didn't want to.
I've been thinking a lot about the family, particularly about your cousin Wigham Stanton.
What about him? He's 14th in line.
It wouldn't surprise me if he was behind all this.
Cousin Wigham? You must be joking, he wouldn't say boo to a goose.
He doesn't hunt, he never goes with women and spends half the year in a monastery.
Well, exactly.
How can you trust a fellow like that? I think the light's on in that crypt.
- Well, let's not investigate, OK? - Come on, come on.
Come on.
Let's go back.
Stay close and keep quiet.
I think I heard something.
Well, if it's one of these, I'm going to have a heart attack.
Shh.
Come on.
- Let's get out of this place.
- Go on.
- I don't like it here.
- Shh.
- Look! - What? - It's Roland's - What? It's Roland's vault.
It's it's open.
That's the undertaker.
Well, if he's in here - where's Roland? - Roland? And where's the gun? I'm a little disappointed.
You don't seem surprised.
After all, it was you who found me "dead".
Well, you looked dead.
Nothing was moving.
How'd you do that? A drug.
Slows down the heartbeat, very shallow respiration.
Only a close medical examination would reveal life.
So you bribed the doctor - to sign a death certificate.
- Exactly.
And the undertaker.
But he got greedy, he wanted to blackmail me.
Only two more and the title's yours, Roland.
No, four more.
He's gotta get rid of you and me.
And there's no time like the present.
Danny! Oh! We must keep our priorities right - the Duke and Brett first.
Oh, but in a way, you're already taken care of.
Danny's overdue.
He said he'd check in every 15 minutes.
I think the time's come to take up our places.
Why didn't the first barrel go off? - I forgot to reload it.
- I'm glad.
What did he mean when he said we are taken care of? I don't know.
We're not gonna get out of here with this penknife.
I had a character in one of my books in exactly the same situation.
Oh, yeah? What happened to him? He burned through the metal with sulphuric acid.
Right.
Well, where did he get the acid? In a fountain pen, specially designed, that he always carried.
Where did he keep his ink? - Oh.
- Come here with me.
Come to my office.
Just come over here.
- No, that's Uncle Percival.
- Sit.
Shh.
- Give me your hand.
- Why? - Just give me your hand.
- What's that? - Can you see anything? - I'm not sure.
I thought I saw somebody moving.
I hope you know what you're doing.
- In there.
- Gunpowder from the cartridge.
- Smart.
- That's the way.
That's it.
- You think this fuse is long enough? - Yeah, it's long enough.
Come on.
- Pour it into the lock.
- Right.
Do you think this'll work? I saw Gary Cooper do this once in a movie - The Lives Of The Bengal Lancers.
- That's a bit before my time.
- There.
- Well, did he get out? - Ah, they gave him a medal after he was dead.
Just plug up these holes, will you? Voila.
Oh Haven't got any sulphuric acid? It'll never suit you, Roland.
It's all I've ever wanted.
Even as a child, it's all I've ever wanted.
You're dead.
How are you going to claim the title? You see, I was going to disappear, then apparently arrive from Australia.
And say the man who was murdered was an impostor? Yes.
It'll work, I know it'll work.
They'll exhume the body.
There'll be no coffin.
No crypt, even.
There are 12 sticks of gelignite down there on a time fuse.
That'll take care of everything - including Kate and your friend.
- Watch him.
- It's too late now! We got nothing to worry about.
When Brett sets that trap, we'll have nothing to worry about.
What if that trap doesn't work? Then we got something to worry about.
Daniel! - You got the key? - No, you have to get out of here! All I know is this - it's going off any second.
- What? - A time bomb.
- What?! - We got something to worry about.
You take this side, I'll take the other.
Ooh, it's not in there.
If I If I try to leave I mean, would you would you really shoot me? Kill a blood relative? Being related didn't slow you down.
Why should it me? I don't think you would, you know.
I wouldn't try, my boy.
It's no good, I can't shift it.
Don't move! You found the thing yet? Danny! There's something ticking! - Ticking? - Listen.
- Here, hold this.
- Ooh.
- I got it.
- Well, bring it here! You can let him go now.
I got it! Don't jolt it! What are you doing? Look, will you stop clowning around? Give it to me.
Go like the wind! Well, told you we had nothing to worry about.
I haven't been out with a woman for years! What do I say to her? You'll know when the time comes.
I really feel a bit old for blind dates.
Just remember one thing, sir.
You are a Sinclair.
Aunt Sophie is a lovely, lovely person.
You're gonna like her.
I'll show her in.
- Wait, a buttonhole.
- But what do I talk to her about? What are her interests? Does she ride to hounds? They don't have that in the Bronx but they have other things.
Everyone's dying to meet you.
Hello.