The Wild Wild West (1965) s01e21 Episode Script

The bedlam you hear, Mr.
West, is the annual birthday party my wife gives for our grandchildren and their over-privileged friends.
I'm very much afraid I'm late for the party.
I understand that, sir, but we are talking about your life.
And I insist that there is no real evidence that my life is in danger.
No evidence? When within ten days, two of your colleagues to the Supreme Court died under mysterious circumstances? It's preposterous.
Ridiculous.
Both deaths were officially listed as accidental.
So they were.
Both men just happened to die at 2:00 in the afternoon, and both men had received identical gifts through the mail.
Gifts? Mm-hmm.
A small model casket.
Melodramatic nonsense.
Yes, it is.
Where's yours, sir? What? Your casket? It came in the morning mail.
Confound it, Mr.
West, your department is in the business of making mountains out of molehills.
And I will not permit you, or anyone else, to act as my nursemaid in such flims Well, Mr.
West, I seem to have survived the witching hour.
And now, unless you would care to attend my grandson's birthday party.
No, thank you, sir.
Leaving so soon, Mr.
West? Oh, I'm afraid I must, Mrs.
Chayne, but thank you very much.
It was our pleasure.
Vincent, wherever did you get the idea of having a puppet show? A puppet show? But I didn't arrange for a puppet show.
Well, somebody did.
Treated like a fowl have you? Then you belong in a hen house, not a court of law.
How dare you talk to me like that.
I demand justice.
Justice? Then what are you loitering around here for? Beat it, wisenheimer.
Out! Out! Out! I never saw a courtroom as full of fools as this one.
Knock knock.
Who's there? Is that you, judge? I asked first.
Everybody rise.
Court is now in session.
Oh, sit down, sit down.
I haven't time for this Vincent, it's a perfect image of you.
Haven't hanged anybody since yesterday.
Defendant before the bench.
Which one, Your Honor? This bench, you ninny.
I mean, which defendant? Who cares which defendant? They're all guilty.
Just get somebody up here so I can hang him.
I got a very special defendant for you today, Judge.
How about that, Your Honor? Now, that's more like it.
What this courtroom needs is more defendants like this one.
Whatever she's charged with, she goes free.
But, Your Honor, she's guilty of grand larceny.
Who's this? He's the only defendant left, Your Honor.
Well, he's a sorry-looking specimen.
What's the charge against him? I don't know, but it's 2:00.
So it is, so it is.
My, what time is it? I said, it was 2:00.
Why, you're guilty, of course.
But, Your Honor, I haven't had a trial.
There isn't time for a trial.
It's 2:00.
It's hanging hour.
You're sentenced to death.
If you'll wait just one minute, Judge.
I've got something here which may change your mind.
Hold on, hold on! Here, put that down! Bailiff, disarm that man! Help, help, help, help! Hold on, put that down! Help, help! And one for you, Mr.
West.
Vincent! Artemus? Yes? Well, he's still groggy, but he'll live.
I told you, Doc.
Well, I can't guarantee for how long, or you either, if you stay in this line of work.
You know, that's what I love about you- your cheerful bedside manner.
Mmm.
How do you feel, Jim? As brittle as yesterday's breadstick.
After what happened, I'm not surprised.
What did happen, Doc? The last think I rememb There's nobody there.
I checked.
Listen, I came in late.
Would you mind filling me in on what happened? To tell the truth, it's a little embarrassing.
I was shot by a puppet.
I'm sorry I asked.
I mean it! This was embedded in you.
Propelled by a small powder charge.
You note how the shock of impact activates the injector mechanism.
That's beautiful, isn't it? Oh, you make me feel privileged to have gotten in the way of it.
One of the alkaloids.
Yeah, that's what I figured, too.
Why don't I take it down to the lab and run a check on it, huh? Doc.
Take it easy, James.
He'll be all right, Judge.
Mr.
West, I haven't had the opportunity.
I owe you an apology and thanks.
Well, right now I'll settle for some answers, sir.
Such as? For openers, where's the puppet that shot me? You mean it's gone? Well, of course.
He would take it with him.
To leave it behind would be like leaving a part of himself.
I don't understand.
I'm talking about our impresario friend, the man behind the puppets.
A man with so much style and arrogance that he leaves behind him a trail of clues.
For instance this puppet, Judge.
It's you.
Do you agree? Yes.
the puppet defendant.
I'm convinced we find that man, and we'll know who killed your associates and who's trying to kill you.
Like all men in public life, we receive a certain number of threats.
How many of them from men capable of making something like this? Someone clever and ruthless enough to already kill two of your associates? There was a man a sculptor, many years ago- brilliant man, convicted of murder, sentenced to hang.
He appealed all the way up to the Supreme Court.
We refused unanimously to review his case.
There was no legal ground whatever.
So the sentence stayed in force.
Yes, but it was never carried out.
Our man jumped from the train taking him to prison.
His body was never found.
And the speed the train was traveling, we assumed he died.
Just possibly he did not.
What was his name? Skull.
Zachariah Skull.
These puppets are the work of a brilliant craftsman.
I'd never seen such lifelike qualities.
What is it? Just something I hadn't noticed before.
They're all deformed.
He was a sadistic, hate-filled man.
This one's missing an arm.
This one a leg.
This one a finger.
All except this one.
She's lovely.
Absolutely flawless.
Well, what have you found? Another one of Mr.
Skull's carefully-planted signposts, this time directing me to one of the frowzier waterfront taverns, all gilded up with one of those fancy classical names.
Tavern? And yet the name fits.
The sea god was deformed, wasn't he? Mr.
West I'll have to be leaving now, sir.
You're going to that tavern? I wouldn't want to keep Mr.
Skull waiting.
You actually expect to find him there? To be more accurate, sir, I think he expects to find me.
What's your pleasure? A drink for now.
I'll decide later.
I was talking about the drinks.
Oh, let me see your wine list.
Sure, as soon as it comes back from the laundry.
Till then, how's your beer? Make you bark like fox and leap like a tuna.
In my rundown condition, I better have whiskey.
Whiskey.
Chaser? Just a few kind words.
Oh, I'm sorry, sir.
That was awful clumsy of you.
Or was it? Oh, I'll get you another one, sir.
Right now, I'll settle for the chaser.
Sir? A few kind words.
Yes, sir.
Get out of here fast while you still have a chance.
Thank you, thank you.
Welcome, Mr.
West.
Zachariah Skull.
Please join me, I've had the table set for two.
First, there's a business matter I think I should mention, if I may.
Please do.
You're under arrest, for the murder of Supreme Court Justices Vandercorl and Stern.
I understand.
However, the question of who is detaining whom has already been settled.
Please.
May I offer you wine? The trip has been rather dry.
No discomfort from the descent, I hope.
The pressure builds up quite rapidly.
Aside from lacerated eardrums, I found the trip rather Thank you, Pitney.
A very rare vintage.
I hope you favor it as much as I do.
Incredible.
You mean that he's You may say it, Mr.
West.
Yes, Pitney is a puppet.
Now I know how you solved the servant problem.
A very neat solution, if I may say so.
Full size how is it possible? You see, Mr.
West, given the initial genius that can be brought to bear, no problem is too difficult to solve.
In this case, the secret of it all lies in power augmentation.
Such as steam.
You have a talent for observation.
Yes, Pitney's lifeblood, so to speak, is the steam that I feed into him through a very fine, almost invisible, high pressure line.
Steam that amplifies tremendously the slightest movements of my control lines.
Like so.
Salute our guest, Pitney.
I am impressed, Mr.
Skull.
Thank you, Mr.
West.
But I couldn't help noticing the eye patch that Pitney wears.
He had an unfortunate accident.
Another I noticed was minus a finger.
A hand.
A nose, an ear.
Are all your puppets accident prone? Very well, sir, if you want it unadorned, they're mutilated.
Why not? Art should imitate life.
And you believe that life is Yes.
Look closely enough, you'll find everything in life is mutilated, flawed, corrupt.
Except for Vivid.
Vivid? Flawlessly lovely, isn't she? I thought that the first time I saw her when she She's a puppet? Vivid likes to dance with handsome young men, Mr.
West.
Won't you indulge her? How does one compliment a puppet on her dancing? Or should I simply say, "You dance divinely, Mr.
Skull?" You're too kind, sir.
And speaking for Vivid, you dance very well, too.
It's an amusing parlor game, but I'm bored with it now.
Don't you believe him, my dear, he's not bored, he's shaken.
Aren't you, sir? Am I? I hadn't noticed.
You're shaken and affronted.
You see, my dear, for one brief moment, Mr.
West allowed himself to be caught up in the magic of your loveliness.
Puppet though you are.
Oh take that tribute with you, and go.
And on the seventh day he rested.
Oh, I'm playing God, is that it? Aren't you? The world of people offends you, so you create your own world of puppets.
In short, you think I'm quite mad.
Oh, that's a matter for competent authorities to determine.
After you deliver me bound and trussed up like a fowl, eh? You're a romantic fool, sir.
I have a mission.
And neither you nor all the armed forces of this land will keep me from it.
Once there were nine smug, witless old men on the Supreme Court bench.
How many are there now? There are seven, thanks to you.
Exactly.
And Mr.
West, I promise you this- in the days to come, one by one I shall snuff out the remaining ugly, graceless lives until the court and my honor are finally free of stain.
And then won't time hang heavily on your hands? Then look in that quarter to see what follows.
Our revered soldier president.
Gallant hero of Vicksburg, Richmond, and Chattanooga.
Ulysses Simpson Grant.
Who committed the unpardonable sin of turning down your plea for clemency, I suppose.
Yes, exactly, Mr.
West.
And for that watch the penalty he has elected to pay.
A gift from some unknown admirer, of course.
A little musical interlude to lighten the president's burden.
Which will soon be over.
Forever.
Interesting, eh? Something left over from Hans Christian Anderson, I presume.
A pair of toy soldiers.
I'm told that three of a kind beats a pair anytime.
But there must have been something to take him away, some scrap of evidence, some clue to the puppeteer.
He couldn't just have gone dashing off into the night without purpose.
The brass disk.
Disk? Yes, I just happened to think.
It was, it was hanging on a chain from the girl puppet's neck.
What did it say? Anything, anything at all? I couldn't see anything, but West became quite excited about it.
He called it another of Skull's carefully planted signposts.
Ah! Wonderful, go on, sir.
Oh, and he said this sign directed him to one of the frowzier taverns along the waterfront.
Nothing more? Justice Chayne, there must be half a hundred frowzy taverns along the waterfront.
Mr.
Gordon, I wish I could Wait a minute.
He said the tavern had a fancy, classical name.
Ah something about a sea god? Neptune? No.
Poseidon? No, he-he did say it was a sea god that was deformed.
I don't think he even mentioned the name.
Well, at least that gives us something to go on.
Thank you, sir, Thank you very much.
Tavern with a fancy classical name something about a sea god deformed.
A sea god that's def Hey! Of course! Triton! Honest, Mister, I didn't mean to- Triton, god of the sea, son of Neptune.
With the forelegs of a horse and the tail of a fish.
What could be more deformed that that, huh? You say so, pal Oh, please, thank you, my good man, thank you very much.
Ooh, you're beautiful.
Defendant before the bench.
This is where I came in, isn't it? Have you anything to say before sentence is passed upon you? Oh, one question.
What happened to my trial? It was conducted in your absence.
Oh, I see.
And what was I charged with? That you did raise and discharge your pistol at the plaintiff with murderous intent.
And how did I plead? I entered a plea of guilty on your behalf.
But it was self-defense.
That little fellow fired at me first.
Have you any witnesses to support your allegation? No, I'm afraid not.
But surely I'm entitled to a trial by jury.
You had a jury, Mr.
West.
I submit that I'm hardly likely to receive justice from such a jury.
On the contrary, you received as much justice here as you would in any courtroom in the land.
You've been found guilty.
The sentence is death.
I was, unfortunately, absent at my own trial.
I'm not complaining, of course, but surely I have the right to address the jury.
Mr.
West, a suspicious mind might almost be tempted to conclude that you're just trying to stall.
Your Honor The court apologizes for its wholly unwarranted suspicions.
You may proceed.
Members of the jury, I find it more than fitting that Mr.
Skull is presiding over my trial for murder since, in that field, he is an acknowledged expert.
I'm accused of the murder of one, yet he happily admits to the murder of at least two, and he will not rest until he has murdered the remaining seven members of the Supreme Court of the United States.
And after that As I was saying, and after that, Mr.
Skull has even more ambitious plans.
But first, let me review my own case.
What do you mean go home and sleep it off? I'm a citizen, ain't I? I owe my taxes.
Wait, wait, wait a minute! This is a free country, ain't it? The right of Excuse me.
The right of people peaceably to assemble.
Well, I'm going to assemble peaceably, even if I have to fight everybody in this place for it.
That's telling 'em, fat fella.
Whoo! Oh! There you are, Rover old pal.
I'm in need of a refill.
Look, mister, exactly what do you want? Wait a minute.
Let's get organized here for a second.
On second thought, you better make that three refills, because it's more effective when you order them in a series.
That way, you eliminate the terrible time lag between drinks.
I'll have a Listen! Everybody be happy! That's an order.
Ah! Oh, that's a laugh.
How can I be happy when I just lost my best pal? Tough, mister.
Best pal anyone ever had.
Gone.
Good ol' James West.
Invite me to sit down, would you? Oh, sure.
Wilbur, old pal, I would consider it an honor and a privilege if you would sit down over here and join me.
Would you? Oh.
Listen, mister.
Be smart.
Don't mention your friend's name around here.
Why, why not? Because you could get into a lot of trouble, that's why not.
Maybe that's exactly what I'm looking for.
You're not drunk.
That's right.
I'm looking for James West.
Well, good luck.
I need your help.
Stick my neck out for what? I don't even know you.
Ah, the fairest flower ever to face the sea.
I don't even know we're talking about the same Joe.
Describe him.
To begin with, he tried to take on the whole North Point dragger fleet single-handed.
That's my boy, all right.
What happened? He almost made it.
To the point where he hotfooted it through there.
The whole fleet hot on his tail, huh? I guess the fleet won.
Your friend never came back.
I think I'll have a little look-see behind that stage.
That's out of bounds, mister.
How are you going to do it? There are ways, Wilbur.
Well, I, uh, I certainly want to thank you.
You've been a very great help, Miss, uh, uh What did you say your name was? Wilbur.
Oh, yes.
How could I forget? Well Would you do one more thing for me? Slug me.
Huh? I've gotten fresh.
I've stepped out of line, see? Go ahead.
Sock me.
Well well, la-dee-da-dee-da.
Forgive me, your Royal Highness.
I'm terribly sorry.
In this dim light, I didn't recognize that I was dealing with the Empress Eugenie.
You're off course, mate.
Well, thank you very much, my good man.
You have been simply splendid.
But while I'm up here, I would like to sing- excuse me- I would like to sing a little ditty.
Have another drink instead.
Marvelous idea, but a little ditty first and then a little drink.
Ladies and gentlemen, Hey! Hey! I've got to make an entrance for this.
Don't go away, ladies and gentlemen.
I'll be right back.
Mr.
West, you've just concluded your address to the jury.
You mean? Yes, you've moved the jury deeply.
But the sentence is still death.
It's one of those days, I guess.
As I was saying, death.
Or as an alternative Yes, Mr.
Skull? I love alternatives.
A trial of your skill and courage to be passed on by your peers.
This is Oog, a cave-dweller.
Neanderthal man against a highly civilized product like you, Mr.
West.
It ought to be interesting.
Bravo, Mr.
West.
Civilization is vindicated.
But, of course, you were providentially supplied with a blade, weren't you? So much for providence and its gifts.
Well, Mr.
West, you've won again.
And I think you're entitled to your reward.
But before the jury deliberates, aren't you curious about the face that lies beneath the buffoon's mask? Jurors, the defendant has fought with skill, courage and distinction.
How say you? Does he live or die? I'm sorry, Mr.
West, but your peers have spoken.
The sentence is confirmed.
The execution to take place immediately.
Mr.
West, will you forgive me if I interrupt for a moment? Frankly, I was hoping you would.
You see, a Mr.
Artemus Gordon, who happened to be in the neighborhood, has just dropped in.
And it's at moments like these that a dear friend is always most welcome.
At least, that's what I say.
Friend? You and your grand strategy.
You said this whole thing would be a cinch.
My grand strategy? You were the one who insisted on this grandstand play.
Great jumping balls of St.
Elmo's Fire, what were those things back there? Just what they look like- puppets with the brute force of a steam locomotive.
You mean those things operate on steam? A locomotive is as effective as the pressure it builds up.
Hey, that sounds like a plan.
That's right.
Let's find the main source of that steam.
Come on.
Artemus, what are you doing? I'm going to blow it up.
That's the ocean up there.
Let's keep it there, huh? Oh.
There must be some cutoff valves.
Here they come.
Oh.
Now, Mr.
Skull, you and I He's a puppet, too.
Jim? Please cut me loose.
I'm not a puppet really.
Don't you think it's about time you told me what this puppet show's about, Vivid? He promised that if I went through with the masquerade there would be no killings, and then, when you described the murders he committed and the others he was planning, I Now wait a minute.
He? Now who's he? Certainly not that thing up there.
Please, go away now while you still have the chance.
We came here for a specific reason.
I bet the answer is up in that mixed up chalet up there.
So we play out the final scene here.
You're Zachariah Skull.
Not as personable as my surrogate down below, perhaps.
But twice as talented.
You actually manipulated the puppet that manipulated all the others.
Very impressive.
Thank you, Mr.
Gordon.
No comment from you, Mr.
West? I've always been impressed by you, Mr.
Skull.
Sculptor, engineer, ventriloquist, puppeteer and murderer.
Yes, I'm a murderer.
Why not? I was murdered myself once.
Look at me.
Have you ever seen a likelier corpse? The comely Zachariah Skull down below- that was me.
I looked like that.
Until I was pushed out of a train traveling at a high rate of speed.
The record says you jumped.
The record is only half correct.
I jumped, yes.
Because I was condemned by a verdict that was blind to the truth to a shameful death for a murder I never committed.
Oh, you can depend upon it, Mr.
West.
I was pushed.
In addition to half a hundred broken bones, I suffered terrible internal injuries.
Irreparable damage to my body metabolism.
This bloated thing that you see before you is a result of that damage.
I'm sorry for you, Mr.
Skull, but it doesn't change things.
Let's go.
You don't believe you can arrest me, do you? Look, Mr.
Skull, it's all over.
You've lost.
Yes, I have lost.
But you've lost, too.
You see this web of lines? They fed life to my puppets down below until you cut off my steam lines.
But I can still bring death to all of us here.
Like so.
Those are the sea cocks, gentlemen.
I've just opened them.
The sound you hear is the ocean rushing in to reclaim its own.
Jim if what he says is true, those boilers- when the water hits them Exactly.
It'll be a marvelous explosion.
And we'll wait for it.
All of us, right here.
Let them go.
No, no.
This is my own personal Armageddon.
But they're invited.
I said let them go.
And what will you do to me, Vivid, my dear? Will you shoot me? Your own loving guardian.
The man who pulled you out from under the wheels of a cart.
Who nursed you.
Who mended your broken legs.
Who taught your limbs to dance.
I won't let you kill them.
I can't.
Well very well, my child.
Since you feel so intensely I thought we'd shut that steam off.
Well, there's still pressure in the pipes.
I can't leave him.
Vivid, there's nothing more you can do for him.
He's gone.
Come on.
With your permission, gentlemen, I'd like to keep this.
A trifle morbid, perhaps.
Oh, of course.
As a reminder, the next time I see a molehill Yours turned out to be quite a mountain, gentlemen.
My fellow Justices and I are deeply indebted.
That's very kind of you, sir.
We do our best, sir.
Well, Jim, I guess we better push along, huh? If there ever is anything I can do for you personally or officially, I hope you'll let me know.
Well, thank you very much, sir.
Certainly.
Treated like a fowl, have you? Then you belong in a hen house, not a court of law.
How dare you talk to me like that? I demand justice.
Justice? Then what are you loitering around here for? Beat it, wisenheimer.
Out, out, out.
The performance was interrupted the other day, but, as you recall, my grandchildren have awesome powers of persuasion.
Nonsense.
It's only fair they see the entire show.
Just one thing.
I hope this time you checked on the puppeteer.
Certainly.
But look for yourself.
Knock, knock.
Who's there? Is that you, Judge? I asked first.
Court is now in session.
Did you have to wake me up to tell me that? Here's the first defendant.
Yes, more like it.
What the courtroom needs is more defendants like this one.
Best-looking criminal I ever saw.
Well, my dear, why don't you take the stand? Or anything else you'd like.
How come we never met before? What's the charge against this ravishing creature? She stole my watch.
You're out of order.
Ow, ow! He's got a hard head, and it's always butting in.
Not anymore.
Ooh, that thing hurts.
Now, where were we, my dear? Where were we? How about a kiss? How about a big kiss? Whoopsie daisy.
Hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo! Hoo! Ooh, ooh! Ooh! Oy! This is the end.