Thirtysomething (1987) s01e21 Episode Script
Born to Be Mild
1 No, no.
I think it's a good suggestion.
It's just if you place the statue here, no one will actually be able to enter or leave the building.
You just put a hula-hoop around William Penn.
Yeah, I think an alternate positioning of the statue - Hi.
- Is a giant possibility.
Absolutely, absolutely.
I think so, too.
Saturday is the chicken cassoulet.
Hope has navy beans.
I checked.
See, the most difficult part is getting the meat off the bone.
We'll do it together.
You have to wait until it's cool enough to handle.
I don't know if I can.
I I just want everything to be perfect.
Well, it will be.
Yeah, it's just that What? Well, no one's cooked for me in a long time.
I cook for you.
No, not like this.
Not for an entire weekend.
- I just worry - What, are you afraid I'm going to run out of recipes? - I should relax.
- We both should.
And we will.
You know, the last time we used those suitcases was on our honeymoon.
Ooh, if Samsonite could talk.
Ah, see? That's the great thing about having just one.
You can still get away.
Once you got two, there's no escape.
We don't want to get away from you, do we, lamby face, huh? Tell her, Michael.
We don't ever want to escape.
We don't ever want to leave this room.
Right, what made us think we had to go somewhere? Well, maybe because we waited six months for reservations.
Or maybe it's because even if we don't go, the hotel still keeps the 73.
50.
Not to mention this great champagne that I bought or this lingerie.
Check everything.
The Charmian, that is so romantic.
I mean, they have wonderful food, fireplaces in every room, your own private beach, 24-hour room service.
Now, that's weird.
What? El I mean the prince of darkness, he never mentioned you guys had been there.
Oh, well, we never actually went.
We just got the brochure, but every time we tried to make a reservation, well - You okay? - Oh, I just have a scratchy throat.
Sweetie, we got to go.
Come on.
Say bye-bye to your mommy.
Say bye-bye.
- Give me a kiss.
- Can you give her a kiss? We'll miss you, but we'll be fine.
Come on.
Say bye to Daddy.
- Can you give a kiss? - Bye-bye, sweetie.
Bye.
I miss you.
- Say bye-bye.
- Write.
Call.
Bye, guys.
Have fun.
Bye.
Come on, Ethan.
Brittany, come on guys.
We got to get going home.
Let's go.
- Come on, come on.
- Michael.
Yeah? I'm trying, you know.
I know.
I know.
Am I being pushy? Not yet.
Are you giving up on me? Not yet.
Okay, so in the kitchen, if the fridge starts rumbling, pull out the plug for an hour and put it back in upside-down.
I don't know why it works.
It just does.
And if the toilet clogs, burn a slipper and march backwards around the bathroom three times.
This is kind of an adventure, huh? Domestic bliss The last frontier.
If it rains, which it doubtless will because we're going to the beach, the hall ceiling sometimes leaks.
Mop and bucket are in here.
So if you get a chance, Woodman, grab a ladder.
Patch her up, okay.
Oh, yeah, right.
That's not a problem for an urban player like you, is it? What, are you kidding me? I can't even plug in a lamp without two unions and an environmental impact report.
- True.
- I'm a professional.
Your tax dollars at work.
So what are you guys going to do? I mean after you get finished rifling the drawers for cash and jewelry.
Oh, nothing.
Probably eat.
Watch a couple of movies.
Oh, that sounds very exciting.
I hate to miss that, honey.
What do you think, should we stick around? I've always thought the simple pleasures were the best.
Me, too.
Girls, what do they know? Oh, we know more than you think, pal.
So why do I feel like I'm taking my orals? Bye.
Gosh, I feel like the lonely grandparents in the TV commercial.
Yeah, why do I have this odd compulsion to put on a cardigan? Get your motor running.
Honey.
I can't forget the look on Janey's face.
Those sweet little eyes saying "How could you do this, Mommy?" Honey, the keys.
I mean, what kind of parent just gives her child away? Honey.
Hope.
Hope.
Good afternoon, ladies and gentleman, and welcome to the 1988 Worst Parents of the Year Award.
This year it was no contest.
It was the Steadmans, Michael and Hope, parents of poor little Janey.
So, Hope, what's the secret? Leaving her with total strangers.
Forgetting your responsibilities so you can run off and have a good time? Nancy is not a stranger! She's the first person outside the family that Janey ever loved.
Sure and this is my real voice.
Keep the award.
Keep it! Keep it! Keep it! Honey.
Honey, the keys.
The keys, Hope.
The keys.
- Michael.
- Now what.
I don't think we should go.
Forget it.
We're leaving.
You'll thank me later.
Listen, forget the fact that you should do something for yourself.
This is important for her.
It's good for her to get out every once and a while.
What if something should ever happened to us? Not that, God forbid, I Wait, that's not That's not what I meant.
Thanks for making me feel better.
Let's just go.
Where did I keep the phone book? Whoa, who has the leather fetish here? Oh, that's Michael.
He used to ride a motorcycle.
Hell's Angel, huh? Bet he's got all kinds of wild stuff.
That's Michael.
Born to be mild.
My God.
- What is it? - Her parents.
Who? What? Where? Her parents paid for the down on her house.
I never knew.
You know, I really hate people with generous parents.
What are we doing? Huh? I said what are we doing? We got this whole wonderful house all to ourselves, and what are we doing? Uh, market research? Snooping.
We're snooping.
That's what we're doing.
It's disgusting.
Come on, I know something even more fun.
What? You mean upstairs? "My heart yearns for your caress.
" I kiss the soft hollow of your throat.
Your scent lingers.
"Your breath feels warm against my face.
" Lingering scent, huh? "At long last love has arrived.
" And I thank God I'm alive.
You're just too good to be true.
Can't take my eyes off you.
"Pa-dum, pa-dum, pa-pa-dum-dum.
" It's amazing.
All this time I thought Frankie Vallen wrote that.
Oh, my God, it's March 12, 1982.
- Oh.
- Oh, no.
Oh, my Now, what kind of couple takes pictures of each other posing nude eating granola? Oh, no.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
- What? - Get rid - Well, get some clothes on.
- I'm wearing clothes.
Get the box.
Neatly.
Neatly.
Crazy.
I don't want the whole world to know we're snoops.
Hey, do they owe people money? Hurry up.
Come on.
Come on, hurry up.
- Nancy, what's wrong? - Hi, guys.
Did I ca Oh, I'm sorry.
Did I catch you at a bad time? Umm Give her to me.
- I'll take her.
- Oh, thanks.
Hi.
Hi, honey.
Do you want to come in, Nancy? Oh, no, no.
We got to get going.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry to do this to you.
Oh, don't apologize.
It's great.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I should have called.
Did I call? I can't You know, these antihistamines, they really They just fuzz me out.
Ethan.
Honey, you look terrible.
Brittany, uh.
Oh, you know, they have diarrhea and cramps and sore throat and fever.
We went for the full package.
But she's fine, you know.
I mean, babies are tough.
Umm, they can be carriers, though.
They Oh.
- Here.
- Sure.
She'll be fine, you know.
She's an easy baby, really.
Oh, thanks.
I really I got to be going because we have to go to the pharmacy to get ear drops for Brittany.
Oh, and I have this list for you.
Um, I wrote down a few things.
And my name's on the bottom.
Did we already go to the pharmacy? Uh, are you sure you're okay, Nancy? Oh, I'm fine.
I'm fine.
She already had her nap.
Oh, okay.
Michael has a bathrobe just like that one.
It works.
Room service.
Magic Fingers.
Is this place great? AAA said this was a classic Victorian inn.
Funny those little historical surprises.
Who would have thought that Queen Victoria was a Magic Fingers kind of gal? Oh-ho! High five.
Honey, not now.
Oh, come on, Hope.
Time's almost up.
It's not healthy to do this alone.
It's just going to take a while.
I know.
I know, sweetie.
I miss her, too.
I do, but she's going to be fine.
Nancy will take care of her.
I know.
I know.
I just, you know Let's not talk, okay? Such a pretty girl.
Really? You think so? Yeah, of course.
It's just things are going so fast.
- It's the time.
- Well, we have time now.
Well, that's the point.
It's been so long since we had the luxury to Do it, right? To do it.
I mean to lose ourselves.
Do you remember how we used to lose ourselves? Remember? It's all I think about.
Hey, you, too? Sometimes.
And where is that famous champagne you keep telling me about? Twist my arm.
Uh-oh, the SS Janey is stuck in the Strait of Hormuz.
Watch out for those mines.
Here come the silk worms.
Djoo, djoo, djoo.
Uh-oh.
Baby overboard.
Baby overboard.
Hey.
Abandoned in Yeah, I'm right here.
I'm sorry, but it's death to the capitalistic toddler.
Don't you think the Persian Gulf is heavy sledding for a 1-year-old? - Oh! - No, no, no.
Never too early for global conflict, Ellyn.
In Japan, they start them on geopolitics when they're in the sandbox.
Okay, now we're going to dry you.
Oh, yes, we're gonna dry you.
Oh, now does your mommy usually put the diaper on? Yeah, that's what we're going to do.
It's so great seeing you like this.
Like what? Like loose.
You know, like getting into this baby stuff.
- It's like - A Kodak moment.
Yeah, no.
God, lighten up, Ellyn.
Sorry.
I guess I'm just jealous.
I think she looks better in a one-piece than I ever will.
- I disagree.
- You do? I think you'd look fantastic.
- You do? - Just fantastic.
Hmm, no, not now.
- Why? - Because.
I don't want this weekend coming up in her analysis in the year 2008.
Besides, I have to powder her now, right? Oh, you're such a little hedonist.
Aren't you? You're such a little hedonist.
You're such a hedon with such a eensy-weensy little That's what What the hell are those? What? Where? What? Those bumps.
Those weren't there before.
What? I don't see any Oh, my God.
What are those? They're bumps.
They're bumps.
God, look at them.
- They're spreading.
They're all over the place.
- Stop it.
Just stop it.
It's It's It's What the hell is it? Do something.
Call a family doctor.
But I don't have a family doctor.
I don't mean yours.
I mean hers.
I don't know if she has a family doctor.
Then call yours.
I don't have one! I have a gynecologist! The bumps are in the wrong place.
I'll call Hope.
I can't call Hope.
What if it's nothing.
She comes home.
I spoil her vacation.
She'll blame me.
Oh, right.
Better the kid dies of scurvy.
It's not scurvy.
It's nothing like scurvy.
It's like a pox or something.
Oh, my God.
Okay.
We got to keep very calm here.
We're adults.
We got to keep our heads about us.
We got to keep very calm.
What are you, going to touch her! Which reminds me of the Thanksgiving we stayed in and ordered pizza.
God, right.
With cranberry sauce.
I always remember You remember that? Turkey pepperoni.
That's when I knew I loved you.
What are you talking about.
Pepperoni.
All night long, I had to experience your turkey pepperoni burps.
I still wanted to make love to you.
That's the most disgusting thing.
Oh, are you kidding me? That's romantic.
That's like wild love.
Oh Sometimes I think about I remember those days and nights.
We were so crazy for each other.
We were.
We are, you silly.
What? Shut up and give me a quarter.
Oh.
Ohh.
No.
Ooh.
Come here.
Come here.
Get your motor running Head out on the highway Lookin' for adventure Born to be wild Shut up.
Doctor who? Doctor Butter.
Ellyn, why do I have to talk to Doctor Butter if nothing is wrong? Then why are you calling me from the hospital? I am not losing it! Hello, Mrs.
Steadman.
No, that's Butler.
Butler.
No, nothing.
Mrs.
Steadman Mrs.
Steadman, your Sally is fine.
Janey.
Janey.
I meant Janey.
No, Janey.
Yes.
It's hospital policy to speak to the parents as part as the admission process.
She's a very healthy baby.
No.
Nobody dropped her.
Oh, my God.
Give me Look, we think it was the soap.
Can I? Excuse me.
Hope, hi.
It's me.
Hi, Hope.
Hope Well, because Nancy's sick, that's why.
Well, my mother washed me with dish soap.
Hope, that's not true.
My skin was fine until junior high.
Okay.
Okay, that's good.
Good.
So if you get home and we haven't left a message on the machine, then you know we're not coming back early.
No, I know.
Next time, dry clean her.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay, just say it.
I can't stand the look.
Our child is in the hospital, and you're schmoozing.
No, I wasn't schmoozing, and she's not in the hospital.
Honey, she had a rash for five minutes.
If we start packing right now, we can be out of here in 15 minutes.
Hope.
Michael, give me one good reason why we shouldn't pack up and leave right now.
The last 40 minutes.
What about Janey? Listen, if we leave now, she'll be asleep by the time we get home.
Why don't we just grab a snack and we'll relax for a little bit.
And it you still want to leave, we'll leave.
I know I'm being unreasonable.
Oh, sweet You're a wonderful mother.
You're dedicated.
You're concerned.
You're, um You're - I have an idea.
- What? Let's compromise.
We'll stay a little longer, but we won't have a good time.
Okay? - Okay.
- Okay.
Oh.
Ta-da-da-do-do-do Do-do-do-do-do-do-do Oh, look at the camera.
Ooh, the camera.
You're kidding.
The hospital? Oh, the hospital was a compromise.
Woodman wanted to amputate.
I did not.
How could this little bundle be any trouble to anybody? She is so cute.
We're dancing more.
She's a sucker for older men.
She dances like Fred Astaire.
Just call me Ginger, baby.
Hope's always making such a big drama out of everything.
I mean, look at her.
Oh, she's smiling.
She's playing by herself.
Oh, slow motion.
- Oh.
- Oh.
Man, they're always complaining about being parents.
It's ridiculous.
This is fun.
Yeah, once we read the owner's manual, it was a breeze.
Come here.
Come here.
Sit down for a second.
- Okay, come up over here.
- So beautiful.
Come up over here.
Easy.
What? Nothing.
Okay, you can be on this side.
Oh! Oh, man.
This is my favorite sweater.
Oh, wow.
One minute she's laughing, the next minute she's like throwing up.
What are you supposed to do when they cry? This is depressing.
Totally.
It's like she hates us or something.
Guys, this is a baby.
Babies cry.
Oh, I can't stand this.
I can't stand it.
How about a back pat? What? You know, back pats.
On TV they always give back pats.
They pat them on the back, and bingo, they're okay.
Here you go.
Just like new.
No, no.
Just find a place to hide it or something.
Otherwise, she'll spot it and she'll seek it out and vomit on it.
My grandmother used to shut me up with chocolate.
Well, let's call your grandmother.
Hope doesn't have any chocolate.
How can you trust someone who doesn't binge on M&Ms? What about this? What about this? Let's give her a hunk of this.
Oh, great, Woodman.
I do have a first name, you know.
It's not Woodman? Can you imagine being that helpless and throwing up on people 10 times your size? Can we stop hearing about your sweater? All right, girl, you're going to learn some manners.
You're going to learn some manners.
- Come here.
- What are you doing? What are you doing? - Woo.
- Be careful.
Woo.
Hey, look, it worked.
She stopped.
Thank God.
What did you do? Did you flip her over? No, it's the dangling.
It's the dangling.
You see, she loves it.
It's the dangling technique.
You think Hope knows about this? We should tell her.
Don't you think? Don't tell me you finally put her down.
Put her down? That's an expression for diseased animals, not babies, Woodman.
- Oh.
- Oh, Steve.
Call me Mister.
How about "Hey, you"? Hey, you, Mr.
Sailor.
Have you seen my chicken skin? I didn't want to mention it.
I thought you might be sensitive.
These chicken skins.
The skins that were on these chickens before I peeled them off their quivering bodies.
Oh.
What? Don't play with me, Ellyn.
I marinated them and everything for cracklings.
- Cracklings? - Yeah.
See, what you do is you get the most tender Boston lettuce you can find, and you sort of stud it with cracklings.
And then voila.
You dump in your dressing.
Got it out of this recipe book.
This book had the most terrific picture of this kitchen.
It was my ideal perfect kitchen.
It was huge.
Plenty of garden windows, double-decker gas ovens, and right in the middle of the island they had this spit.
Are kitchens important to you? Well, um, spits are not exactly foremost in my mind.
Yeah, but when you get your next place.
Whenever, you know.
Would you mind if there was room for one? I threw out your chicken skins.
You threw them out? You hate me? No, I don't hate you.
Did you put them outside or just under the sink? I tossed them.
I threw them in the trashcan.
Dogs came and dragged them away.
I saw them playing with up and down the street.
I still think there's some pieces in the gutter.
I could wipe them off for you.
Oh, God.
Don't look so sad.
No.
I'm sorry.
It's okay.
It's just other guys play sports, you know? Between you and her, it's like total rejection.
Okay, let's go take care of her together.
No, no.
Good ahead and cook.
You're the master chef.
- Are you sure you're going to be okay? - Yeah.
Sure.
- By the ankles, right? - Right.
Come right back.
Oh, sure.
No problem The kid's an angel.
Dessert? Uh.
Woodman, you know, I know you worked hard and all, but I really don't think that I could handle apple bonne femme right now.
You're right.
You're right.
How, Woodman? What are you thinking about? My brother-in-law.
Your brother-in-law? You asked.
My sister's husband is a criminal lawyer.
A real shark.
He told me about this case where a couple threw their baby out the window.
Woodman, that is so sick! I know.
I know.
I mean, these are sick, demented people pushed to the limits of human endurance.
Did they get the chair? No, life.
Huh.
It's stopped.
Huh? It's stopped.
It stopped.
Please.
Silence.
Oh, my God.
I was in this, like, hypnagogic hell.
The way she was screaming.
Oh, God.
The way she was Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Okay.
Okay.
She should sleep through the night now.
God knows I should.
Oh, wait.
Do you tuck babies in? You mean you're tired? God, I think if I don't get in a horizontal position soon, I'm going to sleep standing up like a horse.
They don't really, do they? I don't.
Horses, they don't really sleep standing up? Oh, they don't.
Ellyn, I'm asking.
God, let's not bicker.
Watch a Mister Ed.
I'm so tired.
How can anyone be this tired and still be alive? Oh, Steven, I'm really tired.
Yeah, I know.
Me, too.
Look I had a horrible night.
You had a horrible night.
Let's just admit it was a horrible night and get some sleep so we can be fresh in the morning, okay? - What? - Nothing.
I'm sorry Steve.
What? Nothing.
It's just I thought that this weekend It's all right.
Don't worry about it.
You sure? Yeah.
Go ahead, get some sleep.
You don't know how much I love making love to you.
Have you seen my sweat socks? Have you seen either of my sweat socks? What do you need your sweat socks for? Uh, I was going to paint little faces on them and use them as hand puppets.
What do you think? I'm going to go jogging.
You haven't been jogging since Janey was born.
Yeah, that's good.
I'm going to start again.
Ohh! I feel so invigorated.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I think I'm going to hit the beach.
Oh, God, this was a great idea.
It's funny not having her here.
I keep reaching out for her and then remember.
It's only for a little while.
Anyway, you said yourself you couldn't remember reading a magazine.
Now you can't tell me you're not enjoying yourself.
No, I am enjoying myself.
I mean, that's the problem.
I don't know if I should.
Oh, a little guilt.
Little guilt.
What, were you born into some secret sect of Jewish Presbyterians? Thank you for being so understanding.
Hey, that's the kind of guy I am.
When you're happy, I'm happy.
Have you considered a career in advertising? Hey, what do you think is paying for this little romantic getaway, huh? Huh? Huh? I thought you were going to go run on the beach.
What do I look like, a schnauzer? Dogs run on the beach.
Besides, I'm busy.
Must be the sea air.
Must be.
Well, you can ride with me.
And what do I do with Janey? Tie her to the handlebars? I forgot about Janey.
Yeah, well, I'm not allowed to forget about Janey.
Are you mad at me for that, too? It's not my fault she's here.
I'm not mad at you.
Is that why you're riding off 400 miles in the middle of our romantic weekend? I ride 365 days a year.
I know.
I was with you on New Year's.
I forgot about New Year's.
Great way to kick off the new year Being woken up at 6:30 in the morning by some guy in tights with a wrench in his mouth.
All right, I'm a fanatic.
I admit it.
I'm an addict.
- Woodman, just say no.
- Get off.
Come on, be a degenerate for a day, please.
I love you.
I'll get it.
- Hi.
- Oh, hi.
- Hi.
- Hi.
I left my jacket in the dryer.
I washed it.
Then I dried it.
Oh, she got you, too, huh? But I can get it later.
No, that's all right.
I'm going to go out for a while.
Ellyn could use the company.
No more than an hour, I promise.
All right.
So, see you in a hour.
We're timing you.
- Bye.
- Bye.
Did I come at a bad time, or are you rehearsing Strindberg? Michael? Hi.
Don't you think we should leave the room? What for? Did I leave something in the trunk? Oh, no.
I think there's a beach out there.
That's nice.
Michael.
Oh, honey, it'll be there when we need it.
That's the great thing about beaches.
Mmm Michael.
You're right.
It's nice just knowing it's out there.
In the summer and autumn, the beaver is busy with the construction - I can't believe he just left.
- Who? Just kidding.
You miss him? No way I would miss him.
He was driving me crazy.
Just don't like the idea of him walking out like that.
He left you first, you mean.
Is that it? I don't know.
Things weren't exactly sailing along.
Have anything to do with the "S" word? God, no.
Sex is okay.
- "Okay.
" - Yes.
Uh-Huh.
Melissa, it's okay.
It's not great.
I mean, sex is great.
It's just It's just what? He grinds his teeth? He calls you kitten? He makes you call him kitten? We didn't have sex, okay? Oh, that's all.
Ellyn, I'm in a hurry.
I'm going to get my hair cut.
If I'm more than half an hour late, Kenneth gives me bangs.
It was the baby.
She kept us up all night.
He wanted to do it this morning.
I couldn't.
So of course he felt hurt, but would he admit it? No.
Oh, why are guys guys? Sports.
The beaver works on building a dam.
Hail, fellow traveler! Hey.
I'm slipping between third and fourth.
Yeah, tell me about it.
Yeah, I had the same problem.
I had to spend 80 bucks so they could spray silicone on the linkage.
Huh.
What? Oh, it's just you're the last person I expected to see out and about.
Why? Isn't this the big weekend? God, what do you people put out, a newsletter or something? Oh, no.
You see, Ellyn and Hope are like sisters.
And Hope's married to Michael.
He's my best friend, so Well, you must be very happy together.
So, what? You find out she snores or something? No.
So why are you here? I always ride.
I ride every weekend.
Uh-huh.
The trouble with intimacy, it's so intimate.
You know, it was my idea This weekend.
Yeah, you just didn't expect it to turn into Swiss Family Robinson, huh? No, I didn't.
I thought it would be, you know, like Good Boys, like sort of Not practice.
I don't know.
That's great.
That's great.
Yeah, but if I crack under this kind of pressure, what's going to happen later? Don't ask me.
I think I'm missing the relationship chromosome.
Beavers are very monogamous throughout their lifetime.
When a male and female beaver form a pair God, always having great sex.
You know? Great sex.
Great sex.
It's all we ever do.
It's, like, the only time we're ever comfortable is when we're in bed.
We've had great weekends before.
So, what? Now that there's no sex, he's out the door on his bicycle? Yeah, and he probably won't be gone for just an hour, either.
What if he isn't? Did you see the way he was looking at me last night? Every time I'd even glance at Janey, like we were some kind of Madonna and child painting or something.
Ellyn, what are you saying? You're saying that if it wasn't the baby, you'd have another one of your great, comfortable weekends? Janey, this is all your fault.
No, Janey.
It's not your fault.
If it wasn't you, it would have been something else.
Melissa, tell me something.
If you saw a big wad of chicken skins just kind of lying there in a big glob, wouldn't you throw them out? Never mind.
Don't even answer that.
Don't answer that.
I'm just going to take it as a sign.
We're not meant to be together.
Ellyn, don't you think you're putting a little too much pressure on this? I mean, you're using one lousy weekend as a test for your entire relationship.
But that's exactly what it was.
A test.
A big relationship test, and I flunked.
I just flunked every category.
Flunked.
You know, a hundred years ago, you used to marry whoever sat next to you on the buckboard of the Conestoga.
You met him in Missouri, and by the time you got to California, you were picking out homesteads.
They say it turned out great.
Yeah.
See, that's what I need.
No children.
No conversation.
Just a good, hard buckboard.
What happens when you get to California? Well, California is three thousand miles away.
If I'm lucky, I'll die in a prairie fire and I won't have to worry about it.
Hey, it's difficult, you know? I mean, where's it written that just because you're looking forward to something, it has to go badly? Uh, so this is about sex, huh? Could've been if we ever had any.
Like I said.
You know, it's about God, this is weird, you know? We don't even know each other very well.
Yeah, but we know the same people, so it's okay.
Actually, it's worse.
Back in the office, it was so heated, you know? And it wasn't just that we'd get killed if we got caught, you know.
It was just us.
But now, in, like, one weekend, I've had this vision of the future, and it consists of obligations, interruptions, celibacy, and baby puke.
I'm not ready for this.
I'm afraid I know what you mean.
And then I think for four years every day I've been riding this bike.
And is this what my life is? Just peddling around? And around - and around.
- Go! Oh, my God.
Five minutes till check out.
I'm not even dressed.
I know.
I know.
I'll start packing.
You get some clothes on.
Okay.
Thank you.
You are such a sweet baby.
You're so quiet.
How come you're so sweet today, huh? How come you can't always be this quiet? Probably 'cause you're descended from humans, huh? We go down.
Good girl.
Janey, maybe someday I'll have a little girl, too, huh? You two can be best friends and go to college together and get great jobs, and you can meet confident, sweet men that love and appreciate you till one of them tells you "Can't live without you.
" And he takes you in his arms, and he asks you to spend the rest of your life with him.
Or at least move into his condo with him.
And you say "Yes.
Yes, I'll do it.
" Because you know deep down that you both want the same things.
You were just waiting.
You were just trying to make sure that it all turned out perfectly.
You know.
Oops.
Guess that's just not the kind of fairy tale.
Mommy usually tells you.
Hey, sometimes it doesn't turn out exactly perfectly.
Woodman.
How long have you been here? Long enough.
Hi.
I'm stuck.
Really, save yourself.
Tell Janey I love her.
Stop.
I can't pack if I'm laughing.
Ooh! Ohh! Listen, relax.
We still have two-and-a-half minutes.
Oh, why do your shoes always get so far under the bed? Maybe they hate me.
Have you seen my pants? We're never going to get out of here on time.
We're going to have to take out a lease.
Suppose if I try real hard, I can blame Gary.
Well, it's not his fault, either.
We bumped into each other, and then we went riding.
How did I know that it was going to end up a marathon? - Just wasn't meant to be.
- Ellyn.
It's one weekend.
One that we spent together.
Why did you run away? I came back, didn't I? - Oh, what do you want, a certificate of merit? - Ohh Clothes are over here.
You know you are really making this difficult.
Look.
I'm sorry.
Okay? Okay, this is an apology.
I would really appreciate it if you would accept.
What difference does it make? Well, it makes a big difference to me.
I had a lot of time to think out there, and what I thought about was that I really wished I was back here with you.
But But, nothing.
I couldn't make my way back here on my own because I got totally lost.
I finally realized this was the street, and so here I am.
I guess I could buy that.
I I have a problem with pressure.
I admit that, but I was thinking that I really We really have something.
Um, or we could, and I don't want to blow it.
So, what you're saying is we shouldn't've tried living together before we had the baby? Did you say "living together"? What? No, no.
I No.
I couldn't have - I didn't.
No.
Uh, no.
- Oh.
Well, because if you had What? Well, I wouldn't, uh completely be against considering Oh, God! What is the matter with us? Why can't anybody just say the truth? Possibly because we don't really know each other very well.
Dating is one thing, but we really saw the worst of each other this weekend.
Okay.
Okay, then here's the truth.
I'm terrified, and I shouldn't've left, but I really love you and I don't want to lose you.
And I really think that we should, you know, pay less rent.
Terror.
Terror.
Fear.
Fear.
Are you kidding? Come here, now.
- Wait, do you hear something? - No.
Good.
Ellyn.
Oh.
- Hi.
- Hi.
In our bed.
In our bed? We were just packing.
They've probably been at it all weekend.
Animals.
And you were worried about them.
Did they traumatize you? Did they leave you crying in your room while they went and did their unspeakable and vile
I think it's a good suggestion.
It's just if you place the statue here, no one will actually be able to enter or leave the building.
You just put a hula-hoop around William Penn.
Yeah, I think an alternate positioning of the statue - Hi.
- Is a giant possibility.
Absolutely, absolutely.
I think so, too.
Saturday is the chicken cassoulet.
Hope has navy beans.
I checked.
See, the most difficult part is getting the meat off the bone.
We'll do it together.
You have to wait until it's cool enough to handle.
I don't know if I can.
I I just want everything to be perfect.
Well, it will be.
Yeah, it's just that What? Well, no one's cooked for me in a long time.
I cook for you.
No, not like this.
Not for an entire weekend.
- I just worry - What, are you afraid I'm going to run out of recipes? - I should relax.
- We both should.
And we will.
You know, the last time we used those suitcases was on our honeymoon.
Ooh, if Samsonite could talk.
Ah, see? That's the great thing about having just one.
You can still get away.
Once you got two, there's no escape.
We don't want to get away from you, do we, lamby face, huh? Tell her, Michael.
We don't ever want to escape.
We don't ever want to leave this room.
Right, what made us think we had to go somewhere? Well, maybe because we waited six months for reservations.
Or maybe it's because even if we don't go, the hotel still keeps the 73.
50.
Not to mention this great champagne that I bought or this lingerie.
Check everything.
The Charmian, that is so romantic.
I mean, they have wonderful food, fireplaces in every room, your own private beach, 24-hour room service.
Now, that's weird.
What? El I mean the prince of darkness, he never mentioned you guys had been there.
Oh, well, we never actually went.
We just got the brochure, but every time we tried to make a reservation, well - You okay? - Oh, I just have a scratchy throat.
Sweetie, we got to go.
Come on.
Say bye-bye to your mommy.
Say bye-bye.
- Give me a kiss.
- Can you give her a kiss? We'll miss you, but we'll be fine.
Come on.
Say bye to Daddy.
- Can you give a kiss? - Bye-bye, sweetie.
Bye.
I miss you.
- Say bye-bye.
- Write.
Call.
Bye, guys.
Have fun.
Bye.
Come on, Ethan.
Brittany, come on guys.
We got to get going home.
Let's go.
- Come on, come on.
- Michael.
Yeah? I'm trying, you know.
I know.
I know.
Am I being pushy? Not yet.
Are you giving up on me? Not yet.
Okay, so in the kitchen, if the fridge starts rumbling, pull out the plug for an hour and put it back in upside-down.
I don't know why it works.
It just does.
And if the toilet clogs, burn a slipper and march backwards around the bathroom three times.
This is kind of an adventure, huh? Domestic bliss The last frontier.
If it rains, which it doubtless will because we're going to the beach, the hall ceiling sometimes leaks.
Mop and bucket are in here.
So if you get a chance, Woodman, grab a ladder.
Patch her up, okay.
Oh, yeah, right.
That's not a problem for an urban player like you, is it? What, are you kidding me? I can't even plug in a lamp without two unions and an environmental impact report.
- True.
- I'm a professional.
Your tax dollars at work.
So what are you guys going to do? I mean after you get finished rifling the drawers for cash and jewelry.
Oh, nothing.
Probably eat.
Watch a couple of movies.
Oh, that sounds very exciting.
I hate to miss that, honey.
What do you think, should we stick around? I've always thought the simple pleasures were the best.
Me, too.
Girls, what do they know? Oh, we know more than you think, pal.
So why do I feel like I'm taking my orals? Bye.
Gosh, I feel like the lonely grandparents in the TV commercial.
Yeah, why do I have this odd compulsion to put on a cardigan? Get your motor running.
Honey.
I can't forget the look on Janey's face.
Those sweet little eyes saying "How could you do this, Mommy?" Honey, the keys.
I mean, what kind of parent just gives her child away? Honey.
Hope.
Hope.
Good afternoon, ladies and gentleman, and welcome to the 1988 Worst Parents of the Year Award.
This year it was no contest.
It was the Steadmans, Michael and Hope, parents of poor little Janey.
So, Hope, what's the secret? Leaving her with total strangers.
Forgetting your responsibilities so you can run off and have a good time? Nancy is not a stranger! She's the first person outside the family that Janey ever loved.
Sure and this is my real voice.
Keep the award.
Keep it! Keep it! Keep it! Honey.
Honey, the keys.
The keys, Hope.
The keys.
- Michael.
- Now what.
I don't think we should go.
Forget it.
We're leaving.
You'll thank me later.
Listen, forget the fact that you should do something for yourself.
This is important for her.
It's good for her to get out every once and a while.
What if something should ever happened to us? Not that, God forbid, I Wait, that's not That's not what I meant.
Thanks for making me feel better.
Let's just go.
Where did I keep the phone book? Whoa, who has the leather fetish here? Oh, that's Michael.
He used to ride a motorcycle.
Hell's Angel, huh? Bet he's got all kinds of wild stuff.
That's Michael.
Born to be mild.
My God.
- What is it? - Her parents.
Who? What? Where? Her parents paid for the down on her house.
I never knew.
You know, I really hate people with generous parents.
What are we doing? Huh? I said what are we doing? We got this whole wonderful house all to ourselves, and what are we doing? Uh, market research? Snooping.
We're snooping.
That's what we're doing.
It's disgusting.
Come on, I know something even more fun.
What? You mean upstairs? "My heart yearns for your caress.
" I kiss the soft hollow of your throat.
Your scent lingers.
"Your breath feels warm against my face.
" Lingering scent, huh? "At long last love has arrived.
" And I thank God I'm alive.
You're just too good to be true.
Can't take my eyes off you.
"Pa-dum, pa-dum, pa-pa-dum-dum.
" It's amazing.
All this time I thought Frankie Vallen wrote that.
Oh, my God, it's March 12, 1982.
- Oh.
- Oh, no.
Oh, my Now, what kind of couple takes pictures of each other posing nude eating granola? Oh, no.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
- What? - Get rid - Well, get some clothes on.
- I'm wearing clothes.
Get the box.
Neatly.
Neatly.
Crazy.
I don't want the whole world to know we're snoops.
Hey, do they owe people money? Hurry up.
Come on.
Come on, hurry up.
- Nancy, what's wrong? - Hi, guys.
Did I ca Oh, I'm sorry.
Did I catch you at a bad time? Umm Give her to me.
- I'll take her.
- Oh, thanks.
Hi.
Hi, honey.
Do you want to come in, Nancy? Oh, no, no.
We got to get going.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry to do this to you.
Oh, don't apologize.
It's great.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I should have called.
Did I call? I can't You know, these antihistamines, they really They just fuzz me out.
Ethan.
Honey, you look terrible.
Brittany, uh.
Oh, you know, they have diarrhea and cramps and sore throat and fever.
We went for the full package.
But she's fine, you know.
I mean, babies are tough.
Umm, they can be carriers, though.
They Oh.
- Here.
- Sure.
She'll be fine, you know.
She's an easy baby, really.
Oh, thanks.
I really I got to be going because we have to go to the pharmacy to get ear drops for Brittany.
Oh, and I have this list for you.
Um, I wrote down a few things.
And my name's on the bottom.
Did we already go to the pharmacy? Uh, are you sure you're okay, Nancy? Oh, I'm fine.
I'm fine.
She already had her nap.
Oh, okay.
Michael has a bathrobe just like that one.
It works.
Room service.
Magic Fingers.
Is this place great? AAA said this was a classic Victorian inn.
Funny those little historical surprises.
Who would have thought that Queen Victoria was a Magic Fingers kind of gal? Oh-ho! High five.
Honey, not now.
Oh, come on, Hope.
Time's almost up.
It's not healthy to do this alone.
It's just going to take a while.
I know.
I know, sweetie.
I miss her, too.
I do, but she's going to be fine.
Nancy will take care of her.
I know.
I know.
I just, you know Let's not talk, okay? Such a pretty girl.
Really? You think so? Yeah, of course.
It's just things are going so fast.
- It's the time.
- Well, we have time now.
Well, that's the point.
It's been so long since we had the luxury to Do it, right? To do it.
I mean to lose ourselves.
Do you remember how we used to lose ourselves? Remember? It's all I think about.
Hey, you, too? Sometimes.
And where is that famous champagne you keep telling me about? Twist my arm.
Uh-oh, the SS Janey is stuck in the Strait of Hormuz.
Watch out for those mines.
Here come the silk worms.
Djoo, djoo, djoo.
Uh-oh.
Baby overboard.
Baby overboard.
Hey.
Abandoned in Yeah, I'm right here.
I'm sorry, but it's death to the capitalistic toddler.
Don't you think the Persian Gulf is heavy sledding for a 1-year-old? - Oh! - No, no, no.
Never too early for global conflict, Ellyn.
In Japan, they start them on geopolitics when they're in the sandbox.
Okay, now we're going to dry you.
Oh, yes, we're gonna dry you.
Oh, now does your mommy usually put the diaper on? Yeah, that's what we're going to do.
It's so great seeing you like this.
Like what? Like loose.
You know, like getting into this baby stuff.
- It's like - A Kodak moment.
Yeah, no.
God, lighten up, Ellyn.
Sorry.
I guess I'm just jealous.
I think she looks better in a one-piece than I ever will.
- I disagree.
- You do? I think you'd look fantastic.
- You do? - Just fantastic.
Hmm, no, not now.
- Why? - Because.
I don't want this weekend coming up in her analysis in the year 2008.
Besides, I have to powder her now, right? Oh, you're such a little hedonist.
Aren't you? You're such a little hedonist.
You're such a hedon with such a eensy-weensy little That's what What the hell are those? What? Where? What? Those bumps.
Those weren't there before.
What? I don't see any Oh, my God.
What are those? They're bumps.
They're bumps.
God, look at them.
- They're spreading.
They're all over the place.
- Stop it.
Just stop it.
It's It's It's What the hell is it? Do something.
Call a family doctor.
But I don't have a family doctor.
I don't mean yours.
I mean hers.
I don't know if she has a family doctor.
Then call yours.
I don't have one! I have a gynecologist! The bumps are in the wrong place.
I'll call Hope.
I can't call Hope.
What if it's nothing.
She comes home.
I spoil her vacation.
She'll blame me.
Oh, right.
Better the kid dies of scurvy.
It's not scurvy.
It's nothing like scurvy.
It's like a pox or something.
Oh, my God.
Okay.
We got to keep very calm here.
We're adults.
We got to keep our heads about us.
We got to keep very calm.
What are you, going to touch her! Which reminds me of the Thanksgiving we stayed in and ordered pizza.
God, right.
With cranberry sauce.
I always remember You remember that? Turkey pepperoni.
That's when I knew I loved you.
What are you talking about.
Pepperoni.
All night long, I had to experience your turkey pepperoni burps.
I still wanted to make love to you.
That's the most disgusting thing.
Oh, are you kidding me? That's romantic.
That's like wild love.
Oh Sometimes I think about I remember those days and nights.
We were so crazy for each other.
We were.
We are, you silly.
What? Shut up and give me a quarter.
Oh.
Ohh.
No.
Ooh.
Come here.
Come here.
Get your motor running Head out on the highway Lookin' for adventure Born to be wild Shut up.
Doctor who? Doctor Butter.
Ellyn, why do I have to talk to Doctor Butter if nothing is wrong? Then why are you calling me from the hospital? I am not losing it! Hello, Mrs.
Steadman.
No, that's Butler.
Butler.
No, nothing.
Mrs.
Steadman Mrs.
Steadman, your Sally is fine.
Janey.
Janey.
I meant Janey.
No, Janey.
Yes.
It's hospital policy to speak to the parents as part as the admission process.
She's a very healthy baby.
No.
Nobody dropped her.
Oh, my God.
Give me Look, we think it was the soap.
Can I? Excuse me.
Hope, hi.
It's me.
Hi, Hope.
Hope Well, because Nancy's sick, that's why.
Well, my mother washed me with dish soap.
Hope, that's not true.
My skin was fine until junior high.
Okay.
Okay, that's good.
Good.
So if you get home and we haven't left a message on the machine, then you know we're not coming back early.
No, I know.
Next time, dry clean her.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay, just say it.
I can't stand the look.
Our child is in the hospital, and you're schmoozing.
No, I wasn't schmoozing, and she's not in the hospital.
Honey, she had a rash for five minutes.
If we start packing right now, we can be out of here in 15 minutes.
Hope.
Michael, give me one good reason why we shouldn't pack up and leave right now.
The last 40 minutes.
What about Janey? Listen, if we leave now, she'll be asleep by the time we get home.
Why don't we just grab a snack and we'll relax for a little bit.
And it you still want to leave, we'll leave.
I know I'm being unreasonable.
Oh, sweet You're a wonderful mother.
You're dedicated.
You're concerned.
You're, um You're - I have an idea.
- What? Let's compromise.
We'll stay a little longer, but we won't have a good time.
Okay? - Okay.
- Okay.
Oh.
Ta-da-da-do-do-do Do-do-do-do-do-do-do Oh, look at the camera.
Ooh, the camera.
You're kidding.
The hospital? Oh, the hospital was a compromise.
Woodman wanted to amputate.
I did not.
How could this little bundle be any trouble to anybody? She is so cute.
We're dancing more.
She's a sucker for older men.
She dances like Fred Astaire.
Just call me Ginger, baby.
Hope's always making such a big drama out of everything.
I mean, look at her.
Oh, she's smiling.
She's playing by herself.
Oh, slow motion.
- Oh.
- Oh.
Man, they're always complaining about being parents.
It's ridiculous.
This is fun.
Yeah, once we read the owner's manual, it was a breeze.
Come here.
Come here.
Sit down for a second.
- Okay, come up over here.
- So beautiful.
Come up over here.
Easy.
What? Nothing.
Okay, you can be on this side.
Oh! Oh, man.
This is my favorite sweater.
Oh, wow.
One minute she's laughing, the next minute she's like throwing up.
What are you supposed to do when they cry? This is depressing.
Totally.
It's like she hates us or something.
Guys, this is a baby.
Babies cry.
Oh, I can't stand this.
I can't stand it.
How about a back pat? What? You know, back pats.
On TV they always give back pats.
They pat them on the back, and bingo, they're okay.
Here you go.
Just like new.
No, no.
Just find a place to hide it or something.
Otherwise, she'll spot it and she'll seek it out and vomit on it.
My grandmother used to shut me up with chocolate.
Well, let's call your grandmother.
Hope doesn't have any chocolate.
How can you trust someone who doesn't binge on M&Ms? What about this? What about this? Let's give her a hunk of this.
Oh, great, Woodman.
I do have a first name, you know.
It's not Woodman? Can you imagine being that helpless and throwing up on people 10 times your size? Can we stop hearing about your sweater? All right, girl, you're going to learn some manners.
You're going to learn some manners.
- Come here.
- What are you doing? What are you doing? - Woo.
- Be careful.
Woo.
Hey, look, it worked.
She stopped.
Thank God.
What did you do? Did you flip her over? No, it's the dangling.
It's the dangling.
You see, she loves it.
It's the dangling technique.
You think Hope knows about this? We should tell her.
Don't you think? Don't tell me you finally put her down.
Put her down? That's an expression for diseased animals, not babies, Woodman.
- Oh.
- Oh, Steve.
Call me Mister.
How about "Hey, you"? Hey, you, Mr.
Sailor.
Have you seen my chicken skin? I didn't want to mention it.
I thought you might be sensitive.
These chicken skins.
The skins that were on these chickens before I peeled them off their quivering bodies.
Oh.
What? Don't play with me, Ellyn.
I marinated them and everything for cracklings.
- Cracklings? - Yeah.
See, what you do is you get the most tender Boston lettuce you can find, and you sort of stud it with cracklings.
And then voila.
You dump in your dressing.
Got it out of this recipe book.
This book had the most terrific picture of this kitchen.
It was my ideal perfect kitchen.
It was huge.
Plenty of garden windows, double-decker gas ovens, and right in the middle of the island they had this spit.
Are kitchens important to you? Well, um, spits are not exactly foremost in my mind.
Yeah, but when you get your next place.
Whenever, you know.
Would you mind if there was room for one? I threw out your chicken skins.
You threw them out? You hate me? No, I don't hate you.
Did you put them outside or just under the sink? I tossed them.
I threw them in the trashcan.
Dogs came and dragged them away.
I saw them playing with up and down the street.
I still think there's some pieces in the gutter.
I could wipe them off for you.
Oh, God.
Don't look so sad.
No.
I'm sorry.
It's okay.
It's just other guys play sports, you know? Between you and her, it's like total rejection.
Okay, let's go take care of her together.
No, no.
Good ahead and cook.
You're the master chef.
- Are you sure you're going to be okay? - Yeah.
Sure.
- By the ankles, right? - Right.
Come right back.
Oh, sure.
No problem The kid's an angel.
Dessert? Uh.
Woodman, you know, I know you worked hard and all, but I really don't think that I could handle apple bonne femme right now.
You're right.
You're right.
How, Woodman? What are you thinking about? My brother-in-law.
Your brother-in-law? You asked.
My sister's husband is a criminal lawyer.
A real shark.
He told me about this case where a couple threw their baby out the window.
Woodman, that is so sick! I know.
I know.
I mean, these are sick, demented people pushed to the limits of human endurance.
Did they get the chair? No, life.
Huh.
It's stopped.
Huh? It's stopped.
It stopped.
Please.
Silence.
Oh, my God.
I was in this, like, hypnagogic hell.
The way she was screaming.
Oh, God.
The way she was Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Okay.
Okay.
She should sleep through the night now.
God knows I should.
Oh, wait.
Do you tuck babies in? You mean you're tired? God, I think if I don't get in a horizontal position soon, I'm going to sleep standing up like a horse.
They don't really, do they? I don't.
Horses, they don't really sleep standing up? Oh, they don't.
Ellyn, I'm asking.
God, let's not bicker.
Watch a Mister Ed.
I'm so tired.
How can anyone be this tired and still be alive? Oh, Steven, I'm really tired.
Yeah, I know.
Me, too.
Look I had a horrible night.
You had a horrible night.
Let's just admit it was a horrible night and get some sleep so we can be fresh in the morning, okay? - What? - Nothing.
I'm sorry Steve.
What? Nothing.
It's just I thought that this weekend It's all right.
Don't worry about it.
You sure? Yeah.
Go ahead, get some sleep.
You don't know how much I love making love to you.
Have you seen my sweat socks? Have you seen either of my sweat socks? What do you need your sweat socks for? Uh, I was going to paint little faces on them and use them as hand puppets.
What do you think? I'm going to go jogging.
You haven't been jogging since Janey was born.
Yeah, that's good.
I'm going to start again.
Ohh! I feel so invigorated.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I think I'm going to hit the beach.
Oh, God, this was a great idea.
It's funny not having her here.
I keep reaching out for her and then remember.
It's only for a little while.
Anyway, you said yourself you couldn't remember reading a magazine.
Now you can't tell me you're not enjoying yourself.
No, I am enjoying myself.
I mean, that's the problem.
I don't know if I should.
Oh, a little guilt.
Little guilt.
What, were you born into some secret sect of Jewish Presbyterians? Thank you for being so understanding.
Hey, that's the kind of guy I am.
When you're happy, I'm happy.
Have you considered a career in advertising? Hey, what do you think is paying for this little romantic getaway, huh? Huh? Huh? I thought you were going to go run on the beach.
What do I look like, a schnauzer? Dogs run on the beach.
Besides, I'm busy.
Must be the sea air.
Must be.
Well, you can ride with me.
And what do I do with Janey? Tie her to the handlebars? I forgot about Janey.
Yeah, well, I'm not allowed to forget about Janey.
Are you mad at me for that, too? It's not my fault she's here.
I'm not mad at you.
Is that why you're riding off 400 miles in the middle of our romantic weekend? I ride 365 days a year.
I know.
I was with you on New Year's.
I forgot about New Year's.
Great way to kick off the new year Being woken up at 6:30 in the morning by some guy in tights with a wrench in his mouth.
All right, I'm a fanatic.
I admit it.
I'm an addict.
- Woodman, just say no.
- Get off.
Come on, be a degenerate for a day, please.
I love you.
I'll get it.
- Hi.
- Oh, hi.
- Hi.
- Hi.
I left my jacket in the dryer.
I washed it.
Then I dried it.
Oh, she got you, too, huh? But I can get it later.
No, that's all right.
I'm going to go out for a while.
Ellyn could use the company.
No more than an hour, I promise.
All right.
So, see you in a hour.
We're timing you.
- Bye.
- Bye.
Did I come at a bad time, or are you rehearsing Strindberg? Michael? Hi.
Don't you think we should leave the room? What for? Did I leave something in the trunk? Oh, no.
I think there's a beach out there.
That's nice.
Michael.
Oh, honey, it'll be there when we need it.
That's the great thing about beaches.
Mmm Michael.
You're right.
It's nice just knowing it's out there.
In the summer and autumn, the beaver is busy with the construction - I can't believe he just left.
- Who? Just kidding.
You miss him? No way I would miss him.
He was driving me crazy.
Just don't like the idea of him walking out like that.
He left you first, you mean.
Is that it? I don't know.
Things weren't exactly sailing along.
Have anything to do with the "S" word? God, no.
Sex is okay.
- "Okay.
" - Yes.
Uh-Huh.
Melissa, it's okay.
It's not great.
I mean, sex is great.
It's just It's just what? He grinds his teeth? He calls you kitten? He makes you call him kitten? We didn't have sex, okay? Oh, that's all.
Ellyn, I'm in a hurry.
I'm going to get my hair cut.
If I'm more than half an hour late, Kenneth gives me bangs.
It was the baby.
She kept us up all night.
He wanted to do it this morning.
I couldn't.
So of course he felt hurt, but would he admit it? No.
Oh, why are guys guys? Sports.
The beaver works on building a dam.
Hail, fellow traveler! Hey.
I'm slipping between third and fourth.
Yeah, tell me about it.
Yeah, I had the same problem.
I had to spend 80 bucks so they could spray silicone on the linkage.
Huh.
What? Oh, it's just you're the last person I expected to see out and about.
Why? Isn't this the big weekend? God, what do you people put out, a newsletter or something? Oh, no.
You see, Ellyn and Hope are like sisters.
And Hope's married to Michael.
He's my best friend, so Well, you must be very happy together.
So, what? You find out she snores or something? No.
So why are you here? I always ride.
I ride every weekend.
Uh-huh.
The trouble with intimacy, it's so intimate.
You know, it was my idea This weekend.
Yeah, you just didn't expect it to turn into Swiss Family Robinson, huh? No, I didn't.
I thought it would be, you know, like Good Boys, like sort of Not practice.
I don't know.
That's great.
That's great.
Yeah, but if I crack under this kind of pressure, what's going to happen later? Don't ask me.
I think I'm missing the relationship chromosome.
Beavers are very monogamous throughout their lifetime.
When a male and female beaver form a pair God, always having great sex.
You know? Great sex.
Great sex.
It's all we ever do.
It's, like, the only time we're ever comfortable is when we're in bed.
We've had great weekends before.
So, what? Now that there's no sex, he's out the door on his bicycle? Yeah, and he probably won't be gone for just an hour, either.
What if he isn't? Did you see the way he was looking at me last night? Every time I'd even glance at Janey, like we were some kind of Madonna and child painting or something.
Ellyn, what are you saying? You're saying that if it wasn't the baby, you'd have another one of your great, comfortable weekends? Janey, this is all your fault.
No, Janey.
It's not your fault.
If it wasn't you, it would have been something else.
Melissa, tell me something.
If you saw a big wad of chicken skins just kind of lying there in a big glob, wouldn't you throw them out? Never mind.
Don't even answer that.
Don't answer that.
I'm just going to take it as a sign.
We're not meant to be together.
Ellyn, don't you think you're putting a little too much pressure on this? I mean, you're using one lousy weekend as a test for your entire relationship.
But that's exactly what it was.
A test.
A big relationship test, and I flunked.
I just flunked every category.
Flunked.
You know, a hundred years ago, you used to marry whoever sat next to you on the buckboard of the Conestoga.
You met him in Missouri, and by the time you got to California, you were picking out homesteads.
They say it turned out great.
Yeah.
See, that's what I need.
No children.
No conversation.
Just a good, hard buckboard.
What happens when you get to California? Well, California is three thousand miles away.
If I'm lucky, I'll die in a prairie fire and I won't have to worry about it.
Hey, it's difficult, you know? I mean, where's it written that just because you're looking forward to something, it has to go badly? Uh, so this is about sex, huh? Could've been if we ever had any.
Like I said.
You know, it's about God, this is weird, you know? We don't even know each other very well.
Yeah, but we know the same people, so it's okay.
Actually, it's worse.
Back in the office, it was so heated, you know? And it wasn't just that we'd get killed if we got caught, you know.
It was just us.
But now, in, like, one weekend, I've had this vision of the future, and it consists of obligations, interruptions, celibacy, and baby puke.
I'm not ready for this.
I'm afraid I know what you mean.
And then I think for four years every day I've been riding this bike.
And is this what my life is? Just peddling around? And around - and around.
- Go! Oh, my God.
Five minutes till check out.
I'm not even dressed.
I know.
I know.
I'll start packing.
You get some clothes on.
Okay.
Thank you.
You are such a sweet baby.
You're so quiet.
How come you're so sweet today, huh? How come you can't always be this quiet? Probably 'cause you're descended from humans, huh? We go down.
Good girl.
Janey, maybe someday I'll have a little girl, too, huh? You two can be best friends and go to college together and get great jobs, and you can meet confident, sweet men that love and appreciate you till one of them tells you "Can't live without you.
" And he takes you in his arms, and he asks you to spend the rest of your life with him.
Or at least move into his condo with him.
And you say "Yes.
Yes, I'll do it.
" Because you know deep down that you both want the same things.
You were just waiting.
You were just trying to make sure that it all turned out perfectly.
You know.
Oops.
Guess that's just not the kind of fairy tale.
Mommy usually tells you.
Hey, sometimes it doesn't turn out exactly perfectly.
Woodman.
How long have you been here? Long enough.
Hi.
I'm stuck.
Really, save yourself.
Tell Janey I love her.
Stop.
I can't pack if I'm laughing.
Ooh! Ohh! Listen, relax.
We still have two-and-a-half minutes.
Oh, why do your shoes always get so far under the bed? Maybe they hate me.
Have you seen my pants? We're never going to get out of here on time.
We're going to have to take out a lease.
Suppose if I try real hard, I can blame Gary.
Well, it's not his fault, either.
We bumped into each other, and then we went riding.
How did I know that it was going to end up a marathon? - Just wasn't meant to be.
- Ellyn.
It's one weekend.
One that we spent together.
Why did you run away? I came back, didn't I? - Oh, what do you want, a certificate of merit? - Ohh Clothes are over here.
You know you are really making this difficult.
Look.
I'm sorry.
Okay? Okay, this is an apology.
I would really appreciate it if you would accept.
What difference does it make? Well, it makes a big difference to me.
I had a lot of time to think out there, and what I thought about was that I really wished I was back here with you.
But But, nothing.
I couldn't make my way back here on my own because I got totally lost.
I finally realized this was the street, and so here I am.
I guess I could buy that.
I I have a problem with pressure.
I admit that, but I was thinking that I really We really have something.
Um, or we could, and I don't want to blow it.
So, what you're saying is we shouldn't've tried living together before we had the baby? Did you say "living together"? What? No, no.
I No.
I couldn't have - I didn't.
No.
Uh, no.
- Oh.
Well, because if you had What? Well, I wouldn't, uh completely be against considering Oh, God! What is the matter with us? Why can't anybody just say the truth? Possibly because we don't really know each other very well.
Dating is one thing, but we really saw the worst of each other this weekend.
Okay.
Okay, then here's the truth.
I'm terrified, and I shouldn't've left, but I really love you and I don't want to lose you.
And I really think that we should, you know, pay less rent.
Terror.
Terror.
Fear.
Fear.
Are you kidding? Come here, now.
- Wait, do you hear something? - No.
Good.
Ellyn.
Oh.
- Hi.
- Hi.
In our bed.
In our bed? We were just packing.
They've probably been at it all weekend.
Animals.
And you were worried about them.
Did they traumatize you? Did they leave you crying in your room while they went and did their unspeakable and vile