Two and a Half Men s01e21 Episode Script
No Sniffing, No Wowing
These divorce lawyers have a good business, don't they? Yeah, in the same way locusts have a good business.
Smells good.
So does the coffee.
Charlie, stop sniffing the paralegals.
Look, I am paying my attorney by the hour, so just speak when spoken to and otherwise, you know, just shut up.
If you'd listened to me in the first place, you wouldn't be in this mess.
I'm the one who told you not to marry her.
You're also the one who told me that if I jumped off the garage roof with a bath towel tied around my neck, I could fly to school.
The one time you listened to me.
Let me tell you another thing.
If I hadn't married Judith, there'd be no Jake.
I didn't say you couldn't knock her up.
Okay, let's get started.
- Wow! - No.
No wowing.
No sniffing, no wowing.
- Laura Lang.
- Charlie Harper.
- Didn't you used to date Superman? - That's Lana Lang.
She was Superboy's girlfriend.
And guys have been using that tired old line on me since the fifth grade.
Did it ever work? - Let's just get down to business, okay? - Okay.
Didn't the Titanic bang into her? Okay, Mr.
Harper, the reason I wanted to see you is because your brother is involved in a divorce action where the custody of his son might become an issue.
Really? Why? Because Jake stays with his father part-time, his father lives with you, and in the words of his mother, you are, hang on, I want to get this right.
Here it is, "A sleaze ball.
" Yeah.
So? So she might try to take Jake out of your home.
Why? It's a beautiful home.
You should really come see it some evening.
It's in Malibu.
Right on the beach.
My point is, if Mrs.
Harper decides to make an issue out of your lifestyle we need to be prepared.
What's wrong with my lifestyle? No, we are not going down that road at $300 an hour.
Relax, Alan.
I'm going to need to know every possible thing they can use against us.
- Every skeleton in your closet.
- Oh, boy.
So what, you want to know about my sex life? Your sex life, your drinking, your gambling, partying.
On the beach.
Mr.
Harper.
I'm sorry.
But isn't that kind of an invasion of my privacy? It is, and I apologize for that.
But I handle a lot of divorces, and believe me, they can get nasty.
Look, I've got to be in court.
So why don't you give this some thought, and when you gather the information we need, give me a call.
Okay.
Starting from now and working backward, I've slept with my brother's attorney So, Laura, let me ask you something.
The other day in your office, you didn't seem to like me much.
I was just wondering what caused you to drive over here, you know, mostly naked? Charlie, I don't have to like you to want you.
Right on.
For the record, I don't like you much either.
Right on.
Another question.
Seeing as how you're my brother's lawyer and all, is what we're doing here, what's the word, unethical? Oh, God, yes.
Right on.
Listen, Charlie.
I totally get who you are.
You date lots of women, you're a player.
- That's fine.
I don't care.
- You are very special.
I just have one little request.
You can pretty much have anything you want right now.
If your brother found out about us, he could sue me for malpractice.
I'm taking a big risk here.
- Man, this just keeps getting hotter.
- But I need you to do something for me.
When I call you, when I want you, you've got to be there.
Okay.
Let's practice.
Hello? - Hey, Laura.
What's up? - Now.
Right on.
- Hello? Charlie? - No.
Sorry, but I'm gonna have to speed this up.
Charlie, relax.
Just go downstairs and distract him while I sneak out.
- You're going to leave? - I'm done.
No cuddling, no sharing feelings? - I think I'm starting to like you.
- Save the sweet talk.
Just remember our deal.
You know, it suddenly occurs to me, I'm usually the one sneaking out when the man gets home.
Charlie, go.
I thought it was a fun fact.
- Hi, Uncle Charlie.
- Hey, buddy.
- You're here early.
- Teacher's conference, half day.
- Where you going? - Looking for my Gameboy.
Forget your Gameboy.
It's a beautiful day.
Go watch TV.
I don't want to watch TV.
I want to play my Gameboy, and it's in your room.
The parental code that unlocks the pay channels is one-two-three-four.
One-two-three-four.
I should have known.
I'm sorry.
Did I interrupt your late-morning nap, or your early-afternoon nap? I don't nap.
I recharge.
- Can I get you a beer? - Sure, thanks.
Come on.
Hang on.
Alan Harper for Laura Lang, please.
- What are you doing? - I'm calling my lawyer.
Why? I thought we were going to have a beer.
Judith is demanding half of my book collection.
Oh, man.
- Sounds like you need a beer.
- They are rare first editions, Charlie.
Very valuable.
Okay, you don't need to get your lawyer involved.
You still got your old garage door clicker, right? - Yeah.
- So let Judith have the books.
Then one night, maybe someone goes and gets them back.
Wonderful.
Breaking and entering.
- It's not breaking if you have the clicker.
- More good advice.
And it's free.
- So hang up, and let's get that beer.
- Sure, I'll hold.
Yeah, they're patching me through to her cell phone.
What's that? That is coincidentally my cell phone.
- Excuse me.
- Hi, Alan.
- Don't answer.
- What's up? - What are you doing? - Hang on, Alan.
I'm making a living, Charlie.
I thought you were worried about malpractice.
I'm more worried about billable hours.
Can you prove you acquired the books in question prior to the marriage? - Charlie? - Coming! - Why are you shushing me? Hang on.
- What? - I'm on the phone with Laura.
- Say hi for me.
- Give it up, Charlie.
She doesn't like you.
- True.
You'll testify that I bought all my first edition books before I got married, right? - Did you? - No.
- Then I'm your man.
- I can prove it.
Charlie's my witness.
- What happened to the TV? - There's nothing dirty on.
- I'm going to go play my Gameboy.
- No.
Wait right here.
I'll get it for you.
Of course he's credible.
I don't know, Alan.
If the right lawyer gets their hands on him, they could really make him sweat.
Yeah, very funny.
Have you seen a Gameboy anywhere around here? Okay, we'll just have to do the best we can.
I'll tell him exactly what to do and who knows, maybe he'll get the job done.
I got the job done twice.
Why don't you let me talk to him? Charlie? Why? - Where's my Gameboy? - I'll buy you a new one.
She wants to talk to you.
Keep it short.
Alan, if I could keep it short, my life would be so much simpler.
- Hello? - Now.
What? I want you now.
You've gotta be kidding.
Charlie, I'm paying her by the hour.
Just listen to her and do what she says.
You're the boss.
I'll get right on it.
What did she say? She wants me to write a statement.
And she wants you to take Jake out and buy him a new Gameboy.
Why would she want that? For God's sake, Alan, you're paying this woman a lot of money.
I suggest you take her advice.
Jake, we're going out.
I just want to make it clear that I would never behave in a way that would negatively influence my nephew.
What was that? Is she allowed to do that? Mr.
Harper, how many women would you say you have sexual relations with in any given year? Excuse me.
I do okay.
Ten, twenty, one hundred? - Come on, I don't keep count.
- So we'll say, 10.
I don't see the relevance of this.
We are trying to establish Mr.
Harper's lifestyle as a way of determining whether his home is a suitable environment for a young boy.
Okay, let me just say here that I love Jake and I make it my business to see that nothing goes on in front of him - that is in any way inappropriate.
- You tell him, Charlie.
And it's significantly north of 10.
I think we can move on.
Do you have any more questions? - You are doing very well.
- Thanks.
Mr.
Harper, is it true that Jake saw a woman in the shower with you? Okay, yes.
Now in that instance, the door was closed, he didn't knock, and the door was closed and And I'm sorry, what was the question? - Woman in the shower? - Don't help them.
And most important, he didn't see anything inappropriate.
Then, what can you tell us about this picture that Jake drew? Okay, now that's a totally different Whoa, man! Whoa-man.
Woman.
She was in my kitchen wearing a T-shirt and she reached up for some SpaghettiOs.
That's what she was reaching for.
I'd like a moment to confer with my witness.
You are making me so hot.
I see.
Look, Stuart, we both know you're on a fishing expedition here, right? - Maybe.
- Maybe? You have no case.
This man is a wonderful uncle.
He provides a beautiful home, and the last time I looked, it wasn't against the law to be single in the United States of America.
Oh, God! Bless America! Amen.
The good news is your wife has given up on the custody issue, but we still need to finalize the property settlement.
All right.
Now, aside from your books, she's requested a few other specific items.
- Like what? - A massage chair? Oh, no.
Forget it.
I love that chair.
That was the only thing in my bedroom that moved when I touched it.
Don't worry, Alan.
I will get you your chair.
I will get you your books.
I will fight for you.
I will win for you.
And I won't stop until your wife is squished like a bug on a windshield.
Okay, let's not lose sight of the fact that this bug is the mother of my child.
So let's just keep the squishing to a minimum.
Don't worry, you don't need a bathing suit.
Once you're drunk, the ocean's not cold at all.
- Charlie.
- Hey, Alan.
And Laura.
Hello, Laura.
I didn't know you were here.
- Hi, Charlie, Crystal.
- Hey.
Yeah, I guess you guys know each other.
How's that flu? It's better.
This calls for a drink.
A very large drink.
I'm not getting billed for her time now, am I? Charlie? Okay, I know this is awkward, but let's keep in mind we agreed that you and I were just a casual deal, two consenting adults, no strings, no drama.
I'm willing to admit that trying to boink your assistant might - Charlie! - Yeah? Now.
What? I want you now.
But see, now's really not a good time.
I mean, you're working with my brother and Crystal took a sick day.
Okay, that's a good point.
Let me think this through.
All right, there's just one way to make this work.
I don't do threesomes, Charlie.
- Then I'm stumped.
- What's going on? Nothing.
Not a thing.
- Charlie, there's no reason to lie.
- Are you sure? There usually is.
I'm a little upset with your brother for getting involved with my assistant.
I mean, it could be construed as a breach of ethics.
Nice going, Charlie.
This won't affect my case, will it? No, of course not, Alan.
I'm a professional.
If we're going to make it to that settlement conference on time maybe you should put on a jacket and tie.
Nothing too nice.
You're good.
Do you think you can keep it in your pants till I get my stuff back? I'm trying harder than you think.
Okay, we've got 15 minutes.
Where do you want to do this? Hold on.
It's not that I'm not into risky, semi-public sex, it's just that I am starting to resent your attitude.
Charlie, we have a deal.
Okay, Laura, look.
I only went along with that because you are hot, and it took little to no effort on my part.
Just make yourself at home, Crystal.
That's the ocean.
Anyway, I think we might be done here.
- You're dumping me? - Yep.
Now.
You are going to be very sorry, Charlie Harper.
Yeah, girls have been using that tired old line on me since the fifth grade.
The next item is the rare book collection appraised at $12,000.
Actually, our appraisers came in at $16,500.
- Yeah.
- Enjoy them.
What? - I was only asking for half.
- Why break up a collection? Okay, what's next? I understand there's a dispute over the massage chair.
Not anymore.
We concede.
What do you mean we concede? We're not here for conceding.
We're here for fighting and winning and squishing, remember? - Alan, I know what I'm doing.
- Okay, moving on to the retirement fund.
- Take it.
- Take it? - Take it.
- I'll take it.
Are you out of your mind? - Okay, what else would you like? - What else? Judith, for God's sake, remember there was a time when you loved me! Cool.
That was quick.
Yeah, like every other time Judith screwed me.
- What happened? - I'll tell you what happened.
My settlement conference turned in to a drive-by colonoscopy.
Charlie, have you ever heard of a divorce agreement that requires the ex-husband - to pay the ex-wife's dry cleaning for life? - Wow.
Yeah, not just clothes.
Drapes, rugs, slip covers, even suede.
Sounds like she really took you to the cleaners.
Sorry.
So I fired Laura and tore up the agreement.
I'm going to have to find a new attorney and just start all over.
Good, then.
No harm, no foul.
Except for the thousands of dollars of extra legal fees.
Yeah, that's got to sting a little.
Not as much as having to buy Judith's parents a retirement condo in Boca Raton.
She didn't even ask for that.
Laura just threw it in.
Lawyers.
But you know what the interesting thing is? No, what? After it was all over and Judith and her attorney went dancing out of the room, I asked Laura why she had done this to me, and she said, and I quote, "Ask your brother.
" So here I am asking you.
Why, Charlie? Why did my very expensive Beverly Hills divorce lawyer sell me out? Okay.
I'll tell you the whole story.
But maybe you should sit down first.
English
Smells good.
So does the coffee.
Charlie, stop sniffing the paralegals.
Look, I am paying my attorney by the hour, so just speak when spoken to and otherwise, you know, just shut up.
If you'd listened to me in the first place, you wouldn't be in this mess.
I'm the one who told you not to marry her.
You're also the one who told me that if I jumped off the garage roof with a bath towel tied around my neck, I could fly to school.
The one time you listened to me.
Let me tell you another thing.
If I hadn't married Judith, there'd be no Jake.
I didn't say you couldn't knock her up.
Okay, let's get started.
- Wow! - No.
No wowing.
No sniffing, no wowing.
- Laura Lang.
- Charlie Harper.
- Didn't you used to date Superman? - That's Lana Lang.
She was Superboy's girlfriend.
And guys have been using that tired old line on me since the fifth grade.
Did it ever work? - Let's just get down to business, okay? - Okay.
Didn't the Titanic bang into her? Okay, Mr.
Harper, the reason I wanted to see you is because your brother is involved in a divorce action where the custody of his son might become an issue.
Really? Why? Because Jake stays with his father part-time, his father lives with you, and in the words of his mother, you are, hang on, I want to get this right.
Here it is, "A sleaze ball.
" Yeah.
So? So she might try to take Jake out of your home.
Why? It's a beautiful home.
You should really come see it some evening.
It's in Malibu.
Right on the beach.
My point is, if Mrs.
Harper decides to make an issue out of your lifestyle we need to be prepared.
What's wrong with my lifestyle? No, we are not going down that road at $300 an hour.
Relax, Alan.
I'm going to need to know every possible thing they can use against us.
- Every skeleton in your closet.
- Oh, boy.
So what, you want to know about my sex life? Your sex life, your drinking, your gambling, partying.
On the beach.
Mr.
Harper.
I'm sorry.
But isn't that kind of an invasion of my privacy? It is, and I apologize for that.
But I handle a lot of divorces, and believe me, they can get nasty.
Look, I've got to be in court.
So why don't you give this some thought, and when you gather the information we need, give me a call.
Okay.
Starting from now and working backward, I've slept with my brother's attorney So, Laura, let me ask you something.
The other day in your office, you didn't seem to like me much.
I was just wondering what caused you to drive over here, you know, mostly naked? Charlie, I don't have to like you to want you.
Right on.
For the record, I don't like you much either.
Right on.
Another question.
Seeing as how you're my brother's lawyer and all, is what we're doing here, what's the word, unethical? Oh, God, yes.
Right on.
Listen, Charlie.
I totally get who you are.
You date lots of women, you're a player.
- That's fine.
I don't care.
- You are very special.
I just have one little request.
You can pretty much have anything you want right now.
If your brother found out about us, he could sue me for malpractice.
I'm taking a big risk here.
- Man, this just keeps getting hotter.
- But I need you to do something for me.
When I call you, when I want you, you've got to be there.
Okay.
Let's practice.
Hello? - Hey, Laura.
What's up? - Now.
Right on.
- Hello? Charlie? - No.
Sorry, but I'm gonna have to speed this up.
Charlie, relax.
Just go downstairs and distract him while I sneak out.
- You're going to leave? - I'm done.
No cuddling, no sharing feelings? - I think I'm starting to like you.
- Save the sweet talk.
Just remember our deal.
You know, it suddenly occurs to me, I'm usually the one sneaking out when the man gets home.
Charlie, go.
I thought it was a fun fact.
- Hi, Uncle Charlie.
- Hey, buddy.
- You're here early.
- Teacher's conference, half day.
- Where you going? - Looking for my Gameboy.
Forget your Gameboy.
It's a beautiful day.
Go watch TV.
I don't want to watch TV.
I want to play my Gameboy, and it's in your room.
The parental code that unlocks the pay channels is one-two-three-four.
One-two-three-four.
I should have known.
I'm sorry.
Did I interrupt your late-morning nap, or your early-afternoon nap? I don't nap.
I recharge.
- Can I get you a beer? - Sure, thanks.
Come on.
Hang on.
Alan Harper for Laura Lang, please.
- What are you doing? - I'm calling my lawyer.
Why? I thought we were going to have a beer.
Judith is demanding half of my book collection.
Oh, man.
- Sounds like you need a beer.
- They are rare first editions, Charlie.
Very valuable.
Okay, you don't need to get your lawyer involved.
You still got your old garage door clicker, right? - Yeah.
- So let Judith have the books.
Then one night, maybe someone goes and gets them back.
Wonderful.
Breaking and entering.
- It's not breaking if you have the clicker.
- More good advice.
And it's free.
- So hang up, and let's get that beer.
- Sure, I'll hold.
Yeah, they're patching me through to her cell phone.
What's that? That is coincidentally my cell phone.
- Excuse me.
- Hi, Alan.
- Don't answer.
- What's up? - What are you doing? - Hang on, Alan.
I'm making a living, Charlie.
I thought you were worried about malpractice.
I'm more worried about billable hours.
Can you prove you acquired the books in question prior to the marriage? - Charlie? - Coming! - Why are you shushing me? Hang on.
- What? - I'm on the phone with Laura.
- Say hi for me.
- Give it up, Charlie.
She doesn't like you.
- True.
You'll testify that I bought all my first edition books before I got married, right? - Did you? - No.
- Then I'm your man.
- I can prove it.
Charlie's my witness.
- What happened to the TV? - There's nothing dirty on.
- I'm going to go play my Gameboy.
- No.
Wait right here.
I'll get it for you.
Of course he's credible.
I don't know, Alan.
If the right lawyer gets their hands on him, they could really make him sweat.
Yeah, very funny.
Have you seen a Gameboy anywhere around here? Okay, we'll just have to do the best we can.
I'll tell him exactly what to do and who knows, maybe he'll get the job done.
I got the job done twice.
Why don't you let me talk to him? Charlie? Why? - Where's my Gameboy? - I'll buy you a new one.
She wants to talk to you.
Keep it short.
Alan, if I could keep it short, my life would be so much simpler.
- Hello? - Now.
What? I want you now.
You've gotta be kidding.
Charlie, I'm paying her by the hour.
Just listen to her and do what she says.
You're the boss.
I'll get right on it.
What did she say? She wants me to write a statement.
And she wants you to take Jake out and buy him a new Gameboy.
Why would she want that? For God's sake, Alan, you're paying this woman a lot of money.
I suggest you take her advice.
Jake, we're going out.
I just want to make it clear that I would never behave in a way that would negatively influence my nephew.
What was that? Is she allowed to do that? Mr.
Harper, how many women would you say you have sexual relations with in any given year? Excuse me.
I do okay.
Ten, twenty, one hundred? - Come on, I don't keep count.
- So we'll say, 10.
I don't see the relevance of this.
We are trying to establish Mr.
Harper's lifestyle as a way of determining whether his home is a suitable environment for a young boy.
Okay, let me just say here that I love Jake and I make it my business to see that nothing goes on in front of him - that is in any way inappropriate.
- You tell him, Charlie.
And it's significantly north of 10.
I think we can move on.
Do you have any more questions? - You are doing very well.
- Thanks.
Mr.
Harper, is it true that Jake saw a woman in the shower with you? Okay, yes.
Now in that instance, the door was closed, he didn't knock, and the door was closed and And I'm sorry, what was the question? - Woman in the shower? - Don't help them.
And most important, he didn't see anything inappropriate.
Then, what can you tell us about this picture that Jake drew? Okay, now that's a totally different Whoa, man! Whoa-man.
Woman.
She was in my kitchen wearing a T-shirt and she reached up for some SpaghettiOs.
That's what she was reaching for.
I'd like a moment to confer with my witness.
You are making me so hot.
I see.
Look, Stuart, we both know you're on a fishing expedition here, right? - Maybe.
- Maybe? You have no case.
This man is a wonderful uncle.
He provides a beautiful home, and the last time I looked, it wasn't against the law to be single in the United States of America.
Oh, God! Bless America! Amen.
The good news is your wife has given up on the custody issue, but we still need to finalize the property settlement.
All right.
Now, aside from your books, she's requested a few other specific items.
- Like what? - A massage chair? Oh, no.
Forget it.
I love that chair.
That was the only thing in my bedroom that moved when I touched it.
Don't worry, Alan.
I will get you your chair.
I will get you your books.
I will fight for you.
I will win for you.
And I won't stop until your wife is squished like a bug on a windshield.
Okay, let's not lose sight of the fact that this bug is the mother of my child.
So let's just keep the squishing to a minimum.
Don't worry, you don't need a bathing suit.
Once you're drunk, the ocean's not cold at all.
- Charlie.
- Hey, Alan.
And Laura.
Hello, Laura.
I didn't know you were here.
- Hi, Charlie, Crystal.
- Hey.
Yeah, I guess you guys know each other.
How's that flu? It's better.
This calls for a drink.
A very large drink.
I'm not getting billed for her time now, am I? Charlie? Okay, I know this is awkward, but let's keep in mind we agreed that you and I were just a casual deal, two consenting adults, no strings, no drama.
I'm willing to admit that trying to boink your assistant might - Charlie! - Yeah? Now.
What? I want you now.
But see, now's really not a good time.
I mean, you're working with my brother and Crystal took a sick day.
Okay, that's a good point.
Let me think this through.
All right, there's just one way to make this work.
I don't do threesomes, Charlie.
- Then I'm stumped.
- What's going on? Nothing.
Not a thing.
- Charlie, there's no reason to lie.
- Are you sure? There usually is.
I'm a little upset with your brother for getting involved with my assistant.
I mean, it could be construed as a breach of ethics.
Nice going, Charlie.
This won't affect my case, will it? No, of course not, Alan.
I'm a professional.
If we're going to make it to that settlement conference on time maybe you should put on a jacket and tie.
Nothing too nice.
You're good.
Do you think you can keep it in your pants till I get my stuff back? I'm trying harder than you think.
Okay, we've got 15 minutes.
Where do you want to do this? Hold on.
It's not that I'm not into risky, semi-public sex, it's just that I am starting to resent your attitude.
Charlie, we have a deal.
Okay, Laura, look.
I only went along with that because you are hot, and it took little to no effort on my part.
Just make yourself at home, Crystal.
That's the ocean.
Anyway, I think we might be done here.
- You're dumping me? - Yep.
Now.
You are going to be very sorry, Charlie Harper.
Yeah, girls have been using that tired old line on me since the fifth grade.
The next item is the rare book collection appraised at $12,000.
Actually, our appraisers came in at $16,500.
- Yeah.
- Enjoy them.
What? - I was only asking for half.
- Why break up a collection? Okay, what's next? I understand there's a dispute over the massage chair.
Not anymore.
We concede.
What do you mean we concede? We're not here for conceding.
We're here for fighting and winning and squishing, remember? - Alan, I know what I'm doing.
- Okay, moving on to the retirement fund.
- Take it.
- Take it? - Take it.
- I'll take it.
Are you out of your mind? - Okay, what else would you like? - What else? Judith, for God's sake, remember there was a time when you loved me! Cool.
That was quick.
Yeah, like every other time Judith screwed me.
- What happened? - I'll tell you what happened.
My settlement conference turned in to a drive-by colonoscopy.
Charlie, have you ever heard of a divorce agreement that requires the ex-husband - to pay the ex-wife's dry cleaning for life? - Wow.
Yeah, not just clothes.
Drapes, rugs, slip covers, even suede.
Sounds like she really took you to the cleaners.
Sorry.
So I fired Laura and tore up the agreement.
I'm going to have to find a new attorney and just start all over.
Good, then.
No harm, no foul.
Except for the thousands of dollars of extra legal fees.
Yeah, that's got to sting a little.
Not as much as having to buy Judith's parents a retirement condo in Boca Raton.
She didn't even ask for that.
Laura just threw it in.
Lawyers.
But you know what the interesting thing is? No, what? After it was all over and Judith and her attorney went dancing out of the room, I asked Laura why she had done this to me, and she said, and I quote, "Ask your brother.
" So here I am asking you.
Why, Charlie? Why did my very expensive Beverly Hills divorce lawyer sell me out? Okay.
I'll tell you the whole story.
But maybe you should sit down first.
English