Ugly Betty s01e21 Episode Script
Secretaries Day
Previously on "Ugly Betty" Bradford is into feet? Bradford Meade won't be able to keep his hands off you.
In six months you'll be running Meade publications.
That's the idea.
What we have is wonderful, but I'm never gonna divorce Claire.
Do you need a condom? I've got one in my wallet.
You get her out of the country, and you'll have everything you ever wanted.
She's already hooked.
You sleep with women to distract yourself from what's going on in your life.
You're using them like a drug.
I missed you.
I missed you, too.
They're sending me back to Mexico.
$1,200 for a ticket to Guadalajara?! That's ridiculous! What, are they kidding? We cannot afford that! Hilda, I got it.
No, I don't want a package deal to Acapulco.
My father is being sent back to Mexico to wait for his visa, and then he'll- Yes, I'll hold.
Suarez, are you still working on those nails? You do know the final exam is timed, right? Look, Valerie, I'm going through problems with my family right now.
- Our fa- - Oh, no.
No.
I don't want your excuses, Suarez.
I want your commitment to beauty.
What does this look like? Oh, my god, is that an engagement ring? Yeah.
My ex and I started dating again- Lose it.
And you cannot do a professional manicure with claws like those.
Cut 'em before the exam tomorrow, or I fail you.
She seems very helpful.
She's 130 pounds of bitch.
What did you say? Listen, why don't we take care of this ticket thing tonight? I'll cancel with Santos, and we can call every travel agency in Jackson Heights.
I have this thing I have to go to after work.
- Sorry.
- Sorry.
It's the "Mode" party for Administrative Professionals Day.
You mean Secretaries Day? No.
In 1998, they changed it to Administrative Professionals Day.
Oh, that really rolls off the tongue.
So where you guys gonna go? You know that theme restaurant in Times Square- the Middle Ages? You mean those snobby assistants from "Mode" actually like that kind of place? Oh, they love it.
Every year they pick a place where they can go and make fun of "the common people.
" Last year it was that roller disco in the Bronx.
"Wheels of Paradise"? I love that place.
I know! Anyway, I'm the one who planned it, so I have to be there just to make sure everything goes okay.
Well, you know, it is Secretaries Day.
Maybe Daniel will give you a big bonus, and we can use it to buy papi's ticket.
Happy Secretaries Day.
"World's best notary"? I, uh, got to the store a little late.
Well, it's the thought that counts, right? But you do know that they changed it to Administrative Professionals Day in 1998? Right.
Uh, can you get me Olivier Theyskens? He promised us a Nina Ricci spread.
And send over some hot girls for that.
I'm in the mood for redheads.
Um, this is work-related? Oh, we'll see.
What's that? Yogurt.
My yogurt? It didn't have a name on it.
No, but my name was on the granola that was on top of it.
Don't you know the refrigerator stacking system? So does that mean that the cherry pie was yours, too? You ate my pie? Well, not yet.
Game on, Suarez, game on.
God, I hate Secretaries Day.
You hide it so well.
Everyone gets a present but the receptionist.
I might as well be invisible.
I mean, who do they think forwards the calls? Who fans the magazines? Who signs for packages? Tim, Sheila and Betty.
Well, who looks hot for everyone when they come in? I mean, these buttons don't just pop open by themselves.
Where'd you get that vest? This? It's Tavares'.
That cutie designer made you another one? What's with all the gifties? It not like you're sleeping with him.
Of course not, 'cause he's gay, and I'm a woman, and he's gay.
Oh, yeah! Hey, what's fratty so happy about? What, did his sports team win the beef bowl or something? Close.
Alexis signed him up for a beer-of-the-month club for secre-tariat's birthday.
He loves horseys.
Who knew? I am now officially miserable.
Oh! Wait till we get to that Middle Ages place tonight and make fun of all the nerds in shining armor.
It'll be the mocking event of the season.
- I think I'm gonna pass.
- What? You can't pass.
I'm not going stag, hag.
You'll have to buy your own beer, queer.
- You can't just ditch, bi- - Shut up! Okay, tried it.
Still hate it.
You are so white sometimes.
I'm white and I'm bored.
You know why you don't like jazz? Because it's about riffing and being spontaneous.
You would love jazz if you saw it live.
I am gonna take you to the Blue Note tonight.
Oh, Willie, can we hold off on that? Why? All we do is stay in.
It's just that with Claire in prison, this is the last thing she needs to hear about.
Don't you think it's time you move on with your life, our lives? You really care what a murderer thinks? She is not a murderer, and I will not leave her just because of one moment of insanity.
It would never work.
Of course it would, so why wouldn't you want to go to Brazil with me? Uh, for one, I've got sideburns and a moustache in my passport photo.
Come on, Rodrigo, I can't do this right now.
My mother's in prison.
How can I just leave her? I would think your mother would want you to be happy.
So should I get used to this whole mug shot look? Oh, I was out late at the therapy meeting you signed me up for.
Who's Kristin? Uh, met her at the meeting.
"Soho Grand, room 709.
I'm going to " Not gonna finish reading that.
Okay, so maybe I didn't go to a meeting.
Daniel, what are you doing? You have a problem.
You slept with an underaged model.
Yeah, who turned out not to be underage.
Why are you so "glass-half-empty"? No, no, no, no.
The glass is crushed into a million little pieces all over the floor, and I'm just waiting for you to step on it.
You got lucky.
Next time, you won't.
Do you think people will want the royal feast or the jester's banquet? I think people just want to get drunk.
Look here.
There.
This is a way you could make some money.
N.
Y.
U.
is looking for some research subjects.
- How much? - $5,000! Wait, all you have to do is get injected with Can't quite read that Several syllables oh, and side effects.
Yeah, let's keep that as a backup.
Aren't there any part-time jobs? - Got any welding experience? - Oh, my god, yes! - You weld? - No, Christina, look! I could get $1,000 for riding some mechanical horse for just 15 seconds? I could totally do that! No, are you sure you wouldn't rather just deal with the side effects? Listen, when I was a little girl, I hated getting my allergy shots, so I used to grab onto this tree outside my house and wrap my legs around so tight, no one could pull me off.
These are thighs of steel.
Betty, I think there is a big difference between a giant robot horse and a tree.
I'm telling you, I could do this.
If this is what it takes to help my father, then I will ride that giant robot horse all the way to Mexico! I dare you not to make fun of me.
Okay, seriously, ye olde bowl cut.
- It's too easy.
- Exactly.
Imagine 30 guys dressed like me, serving tourists with mullets and fanny packs.
Middle Ages is gonna be duh-licious.
It's gonna be Britney shaving her head all over again.
Oh, that was fun.
But then it got sad.
No, but then it got fun again.
What's your deal, anyway? Why won't you come? Okay, promise you won't say anything to anyone? I swear on the abs of Marc Wahlberg.
Wow, you are serious.
Okay, remember how, before I worked here, I was an actress? Shut the front door! Your acting reel? Bring it.
Hi, grandma.
- Hey, Betty.
- Henry.
- Hey.
- Hi.
I heard you were planning the Administrative Professionals Day party, and well, I was kind of wondering if I could crash.
Really? Yeah, bit of a Dungeons and Dragons geek.
Big surprise, I know.
I- I guess I have sort of a soft spot for castles and chivalry and princesses.
Okay, well, um, I'll just put you and Charlie on the scroll at the door.
Oh, actually, Charlie can't make it.
She's been waiting for Blanket Space to open up on Astor Place to sell her jewelry.
Anyway, yesterday one of the guys got some bad chicken.
So long story short, now she has a prime spot.
Well, that's great for Charlie and for salmonella I guess.
Okay, well, I shall see thee in the Middle Ages, milady.
You're such a dork.
You know you love it.
No one can ever know of our love.
Nurse, get out! Stat! That's your cue, honey.
Go.
I'm a lonely kitten.
Call the chat line now.
I'm waiting to purr for you.
Greetings, lords and ladies, and welcome to the Middle Ages, a magical journey through time.
So partakest thou of our humble fare, and quenchest thine thirst at ye olde bar.
Kids under 12 eat free on sundays.
Okay, that was hi-wait for it-larious! For you, maybe.
They play this thing on a loop by the front door.
All these losers are gonna see it, and they will never let me live this down.
All those losers will be too busy ordering jalapeño poppers to watch some stupid welcome video.
- I'm not going.
- Come on, Mandy-pants.
If you don't go, they'll just laugh at you behind your back.
And besides, if you're there, you'll know who to punish tomorrow.
Well, I do like punishing people.
Your 3:00 is here.
I don't have a 3:00.
You do now.
Daniel Meade, Tyler Blake.
Tyler works at the magazine "Psychology Now," you know, on the 14th floor? He's here to help you with your sex problems.
What is the matter with you? You went down to the 14th floor, grabbed the first guy you saw, told him I'm a freak? Actually, he's the third guy I saw.
The first two thought you were a lost cause.
Come on, Daniel, he specializes in sexual compulsion issues.
Okay, well, I'm sure that that has some therapeutic value? I am not spilling my guts out to some hack magazine writer.
If you're not gonna get the help, then I'm going to bring the help to you.
Betty Suarez.
Oh, hi.
Thank you so much for calling me back.
What? No, $1,100 is still too expensive.
Hold on.
Where are you going? To a model casting session.
I am not doing this, Betty.
No, Daniel, you're not going anywhere.
I've made this very easy for you.
No, I said he has to be in Mexico by friday.
I already told you that.
- Who? - My father.
He's gonna be deported if we can't get him to Mexico for his visa, and we don't even have the money to pay for his ticket.
Oh, and here you are-you have everything, and you won't even make the effort to help yourself.
You know what? Forget about it.
Go with your models.
I give up! Okay, jeez.
Now you've ruined the whole model thing for me.
Why didn't you tell me about your father? Because I didn't want to bother you.
You have problems of your own to deal with.
Is there anything I can do to help? You wanna help me, Daniel? Then go in there and talk to Tyler and try and get better.
No! Don't do it! Barbra didn't cut her nails to play "Yentl.
" Why should you? I have no choice.
If I don't cut them, Valerie fails me.
Then she is a disgrace to cosmetology.
You know what, mom? She's your Mr.
Weaver.
Your drama teacher? What'd he do now? He cast Joey Colano as Tony in "West Side Story.
" Well, what part do you play? I'm his understudy.
Oh.
I'm sorry.
But this isn't about me.
This is about you.
You're a grown-up, mom.
You can do whatever you want.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Yeah, screw that place! I quit! Now go get me my "Fiji Sunset.
" Mommy needs a touch-up.
Oh, my god, is that a bruise? Where did you get that? - Yoga.
- Hey, no touching.
Come on, mom, you don't have to act all tough for me.
Are you okay in here? Please, this is cake.
How many rehabs have I been through? At least here you can score a decent glass of toilet wine.
So what's bothering you? Aside from the fact that my mother's drinking toilet wine? It's Rodrigo.
I think I'm falling for him.
He wants me to move to Rio.
And what do you want? I don't know.
Honey, as hard as it's been with your father and me over the years, we've always stood by each other.
And if you feel that you've found that with somebody, you follow him wherever he goes.
Also, Brazilian men caliente.
Oh, mom.
Just don't completely disappear on me again.
I won't, mom.
I should go.
Try and be more careful with the yoga next time, okay? You're in my seat, fish.
Hello, Yoga.
You think the hat is too much for prison? Mm, it looked okay when you wore it to visit Martha.
I was trying to detract from that god awful sweater she knitted me.
Why are you going to visit that gangly old boozehound Claire, anyway? Because Bradford refuses to divorce her, and I refuse to accept it.
So I'm thinking maybe I can convince Claire to divorce him.
Oh Wait.
Will you be back in time for that luncheon for the homeless children? Well, if I'm not, make sure they get their free hair products.
Priorities, Marc.
Priorities.
I still have so much to learn.
You seek out sex so you won't have to deal with your problems.
Come on, I think you're reading too much into this.
I just really like having sex.
You gotta put your brakes on, man.
- Face your life.
- Can I just face it tomorrow? I have a really hot date tonight.
Look.
She's a model, plus, she's allergic to pants.
Seriously, she can't keep 'em on.
What's her name? Marla.
Marla what? Look, that's my point.
If you're serious about getting help, why don't you and Marla go out on a sexless date? You mean, like, talking? Either you take a stand right now, or it gets worse.
Greetings, lords and ladies.
'Tis mine honor to warmly welcomest thou to the Middle Ages.
Squire Josh Weinstock at thy service.
Here are your complimentary crowns.
Enjoy yon merriment.
All right, Betty, the sooner you tackle that horsey, the sooner I tackle something in a codpiece.
This is gonna be the easiest I think thou might be screwed.
Will you people stop pushing Acapulco? He needs to go to Guadalajara for his visa.
Don't you have some sort of a special fare? Well, what if I put him in a pet carrier? Hey.
Well, thank you.
You have been absolutely no help, hijo de- perra.
You know, it's not worth all this.
Papi, stop it.
We gotta get the money for your ticket.
Hilda, I don't have to go.
I've been living here for 30 years already.
- What if I just stayed? - No, you have to go.
Look, "You must return to your country of origin, "and reenter this country legally," or you're screwed.
Okay, well, it doesn't say "screwed," but, papi, you will be.
We don't have the money.
This is my problem, not yours and not Betty's.
I'm not going.
So much to make fun of, I don't know where to begin.
This is so gay.
No, it's not.
Oh, my god.
There it is.
Greetings, lords and ladies.
Welcome to the Middle Ages- a magical journey through time.
- Hey, that's not you.
- I've been de-wenched.
That's good news, right? Now you don't have to be embarrassed.
No.
No, they put in a younger girl.
Kids under 12 eat free on sundays.
- So what, now I'm too old? - I'm not following.
I'm going nowhere at "Mode," and now I'm apparently too old to be a wench.
How long before I'm too old to be a receptionist? Sure, today I'm the eye candy, but tomorrow I'll be old candy- old, hard, wrinkly candy covered in lint.
Are you having a stroke? Maybe.
I'm old enough.
I have to get out of here.
This was a big mistake.
Don't give up yet.
Maybe there's a drinking contest.
I've won those before.
Hello? - Get home now.
- What's wrong? I know you have your whole Secretaries Day party- - Administrative Pro- - Shut up.
I need you home now.
Papi? Flipping out.
- I'm totally calm.
- You're flipping out! He is threatening not to go to Mexico.
He says, you know, we can't afford it, so he's just-he's just gonna give up.
You gotta come home.
You just gotta help me talk some sense into him.
Tell him I'm coming home, and I'm bringing the money for his ticket.
All right.
So let me make you a cup of coffee.
Get in here.
No, no, no, no, no.
No bedroom.
Come on.
We're having fun.
We're talking.
I wanna get to know the-the inner you.
Let me show it to you.
You don't, um, have to do that.
Why don't we play a game? - Use our minds.
- Yeah! Look, chess.
Perfect.
And these are Condoms-I'm good at that game.
There's TV.
How about that? "The Notebook"- I love that movie.
Oh, my god.
That scene in the rain makes me want to get naked.
Or, um, "Hotel Rwanda.
" Daniel, what's the deal? The last time we got together, we didn't even make it out of the cab.
I'm just trying to have a different kind of night.
Look, can I ask you a question? Seriously, do you think I'm addicted to sex? Yeah! - Hey, Betty.
- Hi.
Isn't this place great? Usually mutton is so dry.
Oh, my god.
You're gonna tame the jousting steed? Yeah.
Yeah, it's no big deal.
I have thighs of Never mind.
Maybe we should just go play darts instead.
Much safer.
No, no, no, no, no.
- I have to do this.
- Why? It's complicated.
She needs money to help her father.
Ooh, look at that.
We're all out of drinks.
- You not doing this.
- Henry.
- I'll do it.
- What? But I-can't let you do this.
Betty, my grandparents had horses.
I never got near them 'cause I'm allergic, but I used to watch them out the window all the time.
Let me do this for you.
Um, okay.
Hello.
I told you I was gonna be at the Middle Ages.
Well, yeah, Betty's here.
It's- Charlie, we are not having this conversation again.
Will you excuse me for a second? I'll be right back.
Charlie says hi.
I know I'm the last person you wanna see, Claire.
It's just that it's about Bradford.
He's just been so depressed.
His wife's in prison.
Wouldn't that make you just the tiniest bit depressed? - Of course it would.
- Why are you really here, Wilhelmina? You're nothing but a selfish bitch.
Oh, pardon my language.
Prison has hardened me.
Claire, I'm simply a concerned observer.
Just because your life has been put on hold, doesn't mean Bradford should have to be.
Oh, you poor, stupid woman.
Look at those toes.
You're sleeping with him, aren't you? Well, I certainly hope you don't think it means anything.
It's hardly an exclusive club.
Well, if that were true, dear, then why on earth would you have to cut the brakes in Fey's car? Or were you threatened like now? Listen to me, you slut! There's a hundred women in here I could have slit your throat for a pack of menthols, and I've got a whole carton in my cell.
Stay away from my husband, you degenerate piece of human filth, or you're dead! You hear me? Dead! Willie? What? Now? - Hey, grandma.
- Hi.
Next up to ride the steed, sir Henry Grubstick! Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
Henry! Charlie, this is crazy.
Will you stop being so jealous? - Henry! - Last call for sir Grubstick! I'm sir Grubstick.
Hello.
Look, I couldn't do it.
We had sex during "Hotel Rwanda.
" Okay, that-that is a first, but I told you, cold turkey is hard.
They don't make a patch for this.
It will take every ounce of willpower you have.
I don't think I can do this.
Daniel, I have a confession to make.
Five years ago, I was where you are right now.
I doubt that, Tyler.
Skipping work, ignoring my friends.
I left my family on Christmas Eve to go to a strip club.
What am I supposed to do? Find something that helps you focus on other things.
Like what, stamp collecting? You wanna know how I got through? What is this? Something I found overseas.
Next time, instead of sex, this is your distraction.
Hear ye! Hear ye! Behold-sir Grubstick! Um, it's Betty Suarez.
Okay, Betty, uh, good luck.
You're gonna break the horse, Betty.
You get it? 'Cause she's fat, right? Lock it up! Ten seconds to go! Ten, nine six, five, four, three Oh, my god.
Betty? Are you okay? Betty? I couldn't do it.
That's right.
You got a piece of the pep.
Drop a pound! What's the matter with you? She could've been hurt.
Whatever.
Brace-face jacked my yogurt.
My lords! All quarrels in the Middle Ages are settled one way- on the log or we lose our liquor license.
Log! Log! Log! Log! Log! Log! Oh, it's about to get nerd-nasty.
Bradford thinks his wife isn't really a monster.
So let's show him what she's capable of.
I want you to hit me as hard as you can.
Willie, isn't that a little extreme, even for you? Don't pretend you've never wanted to do it.
Now's your chance.
- This isn't a trap? - Go for it! Hit me like a man, you pansy! Wilhelmina Slater.
I need visible bruises, damn it! Who do you think made sure you didn't get a raise the past two years? Who do you think cut your vacation time? Who do you think broke into your computer and canceled your subscription to Dudecruise.
com? Harder.
Henry, look, I know you believe in all this chivalry stuff, but you don't have to defend my honor.
Yes, I do.
Don't forget your crown.
Romantic little banger, isn't he? Let's have a nice, clean fight.
No punching, no kicking, no hitting below thy belt.
Let's do this, beeyotch.
I am unmanned! Oh, boo to the black knight! Come on! Give him a right hook! Come on, Henry! Give him a big old- He's done! I'm the winner! I'm the winner! I'm the winner! Yeah! Yeah! Stop it! Henry! Yeah! He's done! Did I win? Oh, my god.
I'm so sorry.
I love you.
Henry.
Henry.
Did you just say "I love you"? Henry, wake up! What did you say?! - Ow.
- Oh.
I'm sorry.
- Charlie? - No, it's-it's Betty.
No, it's Charlie.
Oh.
Um, hi.
How-how long have you been here? Long enough to wonder why my boyfriend's getting hurt defending you.
No, no, you don't understand.
Um, it's not what it looks like.
I'm not stupid, Betty, okay? I've seen the way he looks at you.
Look, I swear, I didn't mean for this to happen.
Maybe you didn't, but there's a reason that fairy tales don't have two princesses.
He's my boyfriend, so back off, Betty.
You serious? Yes.
I'm coming to Brazil! Oh, we need to celebrate.
Pour us some more champagne, I'll light some candles and run us a bath.
Cheesy, but it works.
Everything is going according to plan.
You're sure she agreed to leave? I promise, Bradford.
She'll be gone.
She's coming to Brazil, and I don't think she'll want to come back.
It is you.
I can't believe it.
You're the old serving wench.
I'm the new serving wench.
I know who you are.
You replaced me.
Step off, skipper.
I- I didn't want to replace you.
I totally meant my performance as a homage to yours.
Did Marc put you up to this? Does Marc work at "Mode" with you? Are you his boss? - Kind of.
- You guys are so fancy.
You must get to meet all the big stars.
Well, I did get a water for Brad Pitt once.
Still have the bottle.
I know you were on the phone with my father.
Oh, amor, it is just business.
Like our relationship? What are you talking about? My father paid you to seduce me so I'd go back to Brazil with you.
Alexis, wait.
I may be a woman but I still know how to hit like a man.
Relax.
Betty said she'd get the money.
I told you, I'm not going.
Ay, papi, this is crazy.
Why wouldn't you want to go? Lawyers make a lot of promises.
I don't know what's gonna happen when I go down there.
I may not be able to get back.
Would you stop talking like that? You need to be prepared to step up, mija.
What? I mean, Betty's- No Betty.
You need to pull it together.
You're the oldest.
You have a son.
You're out of a job, and you just quit beauty school.
Well, I didn't wanna quit.
Okay? But they just- they stopped appreciating all of this.
You're an adult, Hilda.
I'm not going anywhere until I know you're able to take care of this family.
He said it, Christina.
I know he did.
How could he leave with her? Maybe that twit Nick Pepper scrambled his brains.
It doesn't really matter what he said because he chose her.
Because she moved 3,000 miles to be with him.
He's just doing the honorable thing.
He's a good guy, which is why you fell for him in the first place.
I know.
What do you need a boyfriend for anyway? Ah, they're overrated.
I don't need one.
It was just it was nice, you know, having somebody rescue me for a change.
Especially him.
Do you want to know the truth? You can take care of yourself, princess.
Watch me pound this brew, bro! Yes.
You want some pepper, you're gonna get the spice.
Secretaries Day! It's Administrative Professionals Day.
What's up, yogurt thief? Where's sir Dorko to defend your honor? Sir Dorko-that was awesome.
Hey, Nick.
I can defend myself.
Thank you.
What are you doing here, Suarez? I'm finishing this course so I can take care of my family.
I was hoping I scared you off.
I'm not a kid.
I don't scare that easy.
Okay, people.
We're being timed on this starting now.
So brush it high or say good-bye.
Okay, so your perm checks out, which brings us to nails.
Suarez, is there some reason that your model here doesn't have a manicure? The test said I had to do a manicure.
It just didn't say on who.
I wasn't gonna waste all that hotness on somebody else.
Oh, you guys, it's no big deal.
I did all of these one-handed.
Pass.
Okay, people, back to work.
Show's over.
It's Claire again.
I can't believe she had this done to you.
It was just so horrible.
Those three thugs pulled me into that alley and they even tore my Chanel.
I guess I was wrong about her.
She's not the woman I thought she was.
What does that mean? Our marriage is over.
I'll talk to the lawyer tomorrow.
There's still this ringing in my ear from the trauma.
What did-what did you say? I'm divorcing Claire.
Bradford.
You have no idea how much this means to me.
Will you be a dear and get me a glass of water? I'm I need to take my pain pills.
Hello? Hello? Is this Mr.
Wolf? I heard you might be able to help me with a problem.
I need it eliminated.
- Good job, Betty.
- Yeah, good arm.
- Hey, good job.
- Thanks.
Way to go, Betty.
Betty, can I speak with you for a second? Good morning.
You look good today.
Therapy suits you.
Actually, I don't want to talk about my problems.
I would like to talk about yours, however.
I didn't know the yogurt was his.
Not that.
Apparently, you've got a very thoughtless boss who didn't realize until last night that you deserve a lot more than a crappy trophy.
- These are tickets.
- To Mexico.
For you and your father and the rest of your family.
All they had was first class.
I hope you don't mind.
No.
No, Daniel.
It's too much.
Stop it.
You're always there for everyone else.
Let me be there for you.
Happy Administrative Professionals Day.
It's Administrative Profe- No, wait.
That's right.
Thank you.
Thank you.
I'm gonna go call my family.
Hilda, it's Betty.
Daniel got us tickets to Mexico.
I know.
We're going to Mexico first class.
In six months you'll be running Meade publications.
That's the idea.
What we have is wonderful, but I'm never gonna divorce Claire.
Do you need a condom? I've got one in my wallet.
You get her out of the country, and you'll have everything you ever wanted.
She's already hooked.
You sleep with women to distract yourself from what's going on in your life.
You're using them like a drug.
I missed you.
I missed you, too.
They're sending me back to Mexico.
$1,200 for a ticket to Guadalajara?! That's ridiculous! What, are they kidding? We cannot afford that! Hilda, I got it.
No, I don't want a package deal to Acapulco.
My father is being sent back to Mexico to wait for his visa, and then he'll- Yes, I'll hold.
Suarez, are you still working on those nails? You do know the final exam is timed, right? Look, Valerie, I'm going through problems with my family right now.
- Our fa- - Oh, no.
No.
I don't want your excuses, Suarez.
I want your commitment to beauty.
What does this look like? Oh, my god, is that an engagement ring? Yeah.
My ex and I started dating again- Lose it.
And you cannot do a professional manicure with claws like those.
Cut 'em before the exam tomorrow, or I fail you.
She seems very helpful.
She's 130 pounds of bitch.
What did you say? Listen, why don't we take care of this ticket thing tonight? I'll cancel with Santos, and we can call every travel agency in Jackson Heights.
I have this thing I have to go to after work.
- Sorry.
- Sorry.
It's the "Mode" party for Administrative Professionals Day.
You mean Secretaries Day? No.
In 1998, they changed it to Administrative Professionals Day.
Oh, that really rolls off the tongue.
So where you guys gonna go? You know that theme restaurant in Times Square- the Middle Ages? You mean those snobby assistants from "Mode" actually like that kind of place? Oh, they love it.
Every year they pick a place where they can go and make fun of "the common people.
" Last year it was that roller disco in the Bronx.
"Wheels of Paradise"? I love that place.
I know! Anyway, I'm the one who planned it, so I have to be there just to make sure everything goes okay.
Well, you know, it is Secretaries Day.
Maybe Daniel will give you a big bonus, and we can use it to buy papi's ticket.
Happy Secretaries Day.
"World's best notary"? I, uh, got to the store a little late.
Well, it's the thought that counts, right? But you do know that they changed it to Administrative Professionals Day in 1998? Right.
Uh, can you get me Olivier Theyskens? He promised us a Nina Ricci spread.
And send over some hot girls for that.
I'm in the mood for redheads.
Um, this is work-related? Oh, we'll see.
What's that? Yogurt.
My yogurt? It didn't have a name on it.
No, but my name was on the granola that was on top of it.
Don't you know the refrigerator stacking system? So does that mean that the cherry pie was yours, too? You ate my pie? Well, not yet.
Game on, Suarez, game on.
God, I hate Secretaries Day.
You hide it so well.
Everyone gets a present but the receptionist.
I might as well be invisible.
I mean, who do they think forwards the calls? Who fans the magazines? Who signs for packages? Tim, Sheila and Betty.
Well, who looks hot for everyone when they come in? I mean, these buttons don't just pop open by themselves.
Where'd you get that vest? This? It's Tavares'.
That cutie designer made you another one? What's with all the gifties? It not like you're sleeping with him.
Of course not, 'cause he's gay, and I'm a woman, and he's gay.
Oh, yeah! Hey, what's fratty so happy about? What, did his sports team win the beef bowl or something? Close.
Alexis signed him up for a beer-of-the-month club for secre-tariat's birthday.
He loves horseys.
Who knew? I am now officially miserable.
Oh! Wait till we get to that Middle Ages place tonight and make fun of all the nerds in shining armor.
It'll be the mocking event of the season.
- I think I'm gonna pass.
- What? You can't pass.
I'm not going stag, hag.
You'll have to buy your own beer, queer.
- You can't just ditch, bi- - Shut up! Okay, tried it.
Still hate it.
You are so white sometimes.
I'm white and I'm bored.
You know why you don't like jazz? Because it's about riffing and being spontaneous.
You would love jazz if you saw it live.
I am gonna take you to the Blue Note tonight.
Oh, Willie, can we hold off on that? Why? All we do is stay in.
It's just that with Claire in prison, this is the last thing she needs to hear about.
Don't you think it's time you move on with your life, our lives? You really care what a murderer thinks? She is not a murderer, and I will not leave her just because of one moment of insanity.
It would never work.
Of course it would, so why wouldn't you want to go to Brazil with me? Uh, for one, I've got sideburns and a moustache in my passport photo.
Come on, Rodrigo, I can't do this right now.
My mother's in prison.
How can I just leave her? I would think your mother would want you to be happy.
So should I get used to this whole mug shot look? Oh, I was out late at the therapy meeting you signed me up for.
Who's Kristin? Uh, met her at the meeting.
"Soho Grand, room 709.
I'm going to " Not gonna finish reading that.
Okay, so maybe I didn't go to a meeting.
Daniel, what are you doing? You have a problem.
You slept with an underaged model.
Yeah, who turned out not to be underage.
Why are you so "glass-half-empty"? No, no, no, no.
The glass is crushed into a million little pieces all over the floor, and I'm just waiting for you to step on it.
You got lucky.
Next time, you won't.
Do you think people will want the royal feast or the jester's banquet? I think people just want to get drunk.
Look here.
There.
This is a way you could make some money.
N.
Y.
U.
is looking for some research subjects.
- How much? - $5,000! Wait, all you have to do is get injected with Can't quite read that Several syllables oh, and side effects.
Yeah, let's keep that as a backup.
Aren't there any part-time jobs? - Got any welding experience? - Oh, my god, yes! - You weld? - No, Christina, look! I could get $1,000 for riding some mechanical horse for just 15 seconds? I could totally do that! No, are you sure you wouldn't rather just deal with the side effects? Listen, when I was a little girl, I hated getting my allergy shots, so I used to grab onto this tree outside my house and wrap my legs around so tight, no one could pull me off.
These are thighs of steel.
Betty, I think there is a big difference between a giant robot horse and a tree.
I'm telling you, I could do this.
If this is what it takes to help my father, then I will ride that giant robot horse all the way to Mexico! I dare you not to make fun of me.
Okay, seriously, ye olde bowl cut.
- It's too easy.
- Exactly.
Imagine 30 guys dressed like me, serving tourists with mullets and fanny packs.
Middle Ages is gonna be duh-licious.
It's gonna be Britney shaving her head all over again.
Oh, that was fun.
But then it got sad.
No, but then it got fun again.
What's your deal, anyway? Why won't you come? Okay, promise you won't say anything to anyone? I swear on the abs of Marc Wahlberg.
Wow, you are serious.
Okay, remember how, before I worked here, I was an actress? Shut the front door! Your acting reel? Bring it.
Hi, grandma.
- Hey, Betty.
- Henry.
- Hey.
- Hi.
I heard you were planning the Administrative Professionals Day party, and well, I was kind of wondering if I could crash.
Really? Yeah, bit of a Dungeons and Dragons geek.
Big surprise, I know.
I- I guess I have sort of a soft spot for castles and chivalry and princesses.
Okay, well, um, I'll just put you and Charlie on the scroll at the door.
Oh, actually, Charlie can't make it.
She's been waiting for Blanket Space to open up on Astor Place to sell her jewelry.
Anyway, yesterday one of the guys got some bad chicken.
So long story short, now she has a prime spot.
Well, that's great for Charlie and for salmonella I guess.
Okay, well, I shall see thee in the Middle Ages, milady.
You're such a dork.
You know you love it.
No one can ever know of our love.
Nurse, get out! Stat! That's your cue, honey.
Go.
I'm a lonely kitten.
Call the chat line now.
I'm waiting to purr for you.
Greetings, lords and ladies, and welcome to the Middle Ages, a magical journey through time.
So partakest thou of our humble fare, and quenchest thine thirst at ye olde bar.
Kids under 12 eat free on sundays.
Okay, that was hi-wait for it-larious! For you, maybe.
They play this thing on a loop by the front door.
All these losers are gonna see it, and they will never let me live this down.
All those losers will be too busy ordering jalapeño poppers to watch some stupid welcome video.
- I'm not going.
- Come on, Mandy-pants.
If you don't go, they'll just laugh at you behind your back.
And besides, if you're there, you'll know who to punish tomorrow.
Well, I do like punishing people.
Your 3:00 is here.
I don't have a 3:00.
You do now.
Daniel Meade, Tyler Blake.
Tyler works at the magazine "Psychology Now," you know, on the 14th floor? He's here to help you with your sex problems.
What is the matter with you? You went down to the 14th floor, grabbed the first guy you saw, told him I'm a freak? Actually, he's the third guy I saw.
The first two thought you were a lost cause.
Come on, Daniel, he specializes in sexual compulsion issues.
Okay, well, I'm sure that that has some therapeutic value? I am not spilling my guts out to some hack magazine writer.
If you're not gonna get the help, then I'm going to bring the help to you.
Betty Suarez.
Oh, hi.
Thank you so much for calling me back.
What? No, $1,100 is still too expensive.
Hold on.
Where are you going? To a model casting session.
I am not doing this, Betty.
No, Daniel, you're not going anywhere.
I've made this very easy for you.
No, I said he has to be in Mexico by friday.
I already told you that.
- Who? - My father.
He's gonna be deported if we can't get him to Mexico for his visa, and we don't even have the money to pay for his ticket.
Oh, and here you are-you have everything, and you won't even make the effort to help yourself.
You know what? Forget about it.
Go with your models.
I give up! Okay, jeez.
Now you've ruined the whole model thing for me.
Why didn't you tell me about your father? Because I didn't want to bother you.
You have problems of your own to deal with.
Is there anything I can do to help? You wanna help me, Daniel? Then go in there and talk to Tyler and try and get better.
No! Don't do it! Barbra didn't cut her nails to play "Yentl.
" Why should you? I have no choice.
If I don't cut them, Valerie fails me.
Then she is a disgrace to cosmetology.
You know what, mom? She's your Mr.
Weaver.
Your drama teacher? What'd he do now? He cast Joey Colano as Tony in "West Side Story.
" Well, what part do you play? I'm his understudy.
Oh.
I'm sorry.
But this isn't about me.
This is about you.
You're a grown-up, mom.
You can do whatever you want.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Yeah, screw that place! I quit! Now go get me my "Fiji Sunset.
" Mommy needs a touch-up.
Oh, my god, is that a bruise? Where did you get that? - Yoga.
- Hey, no touching.
Come on, mom, you don't have to act all tough for me.
Are you okay in here? Please, this is cake.
How many rehabs have I been through? At least here you can score a decent glass of toilet wine.
So what's bothering you? Aside from the fact that my mother's drinking toilet wine? It's Rodrigo.
I think I'm falling for him.
He wants me to move to Rio.
And what do you want? I don't know.
Honey, as hard as it's been with your father and me over the years, we've always stood by each other.
And if you feel that you've found that with somebody, you follow him wherever he goes.
Also, Brazilian men caliente.
Oh, mom.
Just don't completely disappear on me again.
I won't, mom.
I should go.
Try and be more careful with the yoga next time, okay? You're in my seat, fish.
Hello, Yoga.
You think the hat is too much for prison? Mm, it looked okay when you wore it to visit Martha.
I was trying to detract from that god awful sweater she knitted me.
Why are you going to visit that gangly old boozehound Claire, anyway? Because Bradford refuses to divorce her, and I refuse to accept it.
So I'm thinking maybe I can convince Claire to divorce him.
Oh Wait.
Will you be back in time for that luncheon for the homeless children? Well, if I'm not, make sure they get their free hair products.
Priorities, Marc.
Priorities.
I still have so much to learn.
You seek out sex so you won't have to deal with your problems.
Come on, I think you're reading too much into this.
I just really like having sex.
You gotta put your brakes on, man.
- Face your life.
- Can I just face it tomorrow? I have a really hot date tonight.
Look.
She's a model, plus, she's allergic to pants.
Seriously, she can't keep 'em on.
What's her name? Marla.
Marla what? Look, that's my point.
If you're serious about getting help, why don't you and Marla go out on a sexless date? You mean, like, talking? Either you take a stand right now, or it gets worse.
Greetings, lords and ladies.
'Tis mine honor to warmly welcomest thou to the Middle Ages.
Squire Josh Weinstock at thy service.
Here are your complimentary crowns.
Enjoy yon merriment.
All right, Betty, the sooner you tackle that horsey, the sooner I tackle something in a codpiece.
This is gonna be the easiest I think thou might be screwed.
Will you people stop pushing Acapulco? He needs to go to Guadalajara for his visa.
Don't you have some sort of a special fare? Well, what if I put him in a pet carrier? Hey.
Well, thank you.
You have been absolutely no help, hijo de- perra.
You know, it's not worth all this.
Papi, stop it.
We gotta get the money for your ticket.
Hilda, I don't have to go.
I've been living here for 30 years already.
- What if I just stayed? - No, you have to go.
Look, "You must return to your country of origin, "and reenter this country legally," or you're screwed.
Okay, well, it doesn't say "screwed," but, papi, you will be.
We don't have the money.
This is my problem, not yours and not Betty's.
I'm not going.
So much to make fun of, I don't know where to begin.
This is so gay.
No, it's not.
Oh, my god.
There it is.
Greetings, lords and ladies.
Welcome to the Middle Ages- a magical journey through time.
- Hey, that's not you.
- I've been de-wenched.
That's good news, right? Now you don't have to be embarrassed.
No.
No, they put in a younger girl.
Kids under 12 eat free on sundays.
- So what, now I'm too old? - I'm not following.
I'm going nowhere at "Mode," and now I'm apparently too old to be a wench.
How long before I'm too old to be a receptionist? Sure, today I'm the eye candy, but tomorrow I'll be old candy- old, hard, wrinkly candy covered in lint.
Are you having a stroke? Maybe.
I'm old enough.
I have to get out of here.
This was a big mistake.
Don't give up yet.
Maybe there's a drinking contest.
I've won those before.
Hello? - Get home now.
- What's wrong? I know you have your whole Secretaries Day party- - Administrative Pro- - Shut up.
I need you home now.
Papi? Flipping out.
- I'm totally calm.
- You're flipping out! He is threatening not to go to Mexico.
He says, you know, we can't afford it, so he's just-he's just gonna give up.
You gotta come home.
You just gotta help me talk some sense into him.
Tell him I'm coming home, and I'm bringing the money for his ticket.
All right.
So let me make you a cup of coffee.
Get in here.
No, no, no, no, no.
No bedroom.
Come on.
We're having fun.
We're talking.
I wanna get to know the-the inner you.
Let me show it to you.
You don't, um, have to do that.
Why don't we play a game? - Use our minds.
- Yeah! Look, chess.
Perfect.
And these are Condoms-I'm good at that game.
There's TV.
How about that? "The Notebook"- I love that movie.
Oh, my god.
That scene in the rain makes me want to get naked.
Or, um, "Hotel Rwanda.
" Daniel, what's the deal? The last time we got together, we didn't even make it out of the cab.
I'm just trying to have a different kind of night.
Look, can I ask you a question? Seriously, do you think I'm addicted to sex? Yeah! - Hey, Betty.
- Hi.
Isn't this place great? Usually mutton is so dry.
Oh, my god.
You're gonna tame the jousting steed? Yeah.
Yeah, it's no big deal.
I have thighs of Never mind.
Maybe we should just go play darts instead.
Much safer.
No, no, no, no, no.
- I have to do this.
- Why? It's complicated.
She needs money to help her father.
Ooh, look at that.
We're all out of drinks.
- You not doing this.
- Henry.
- I'll do it.
- What? But I-can't let you do this.
Betty, my grandparents had horses.
I never got near them 'cause I'm allergic, but I used to watch them out the window all the time.
Let me do this for you.
Um, okay.
Hello.
I told you I was gonna be at the Middle Ages.
Well, yeah, Betty's here.
It's- Charlie, we are not having this conversation again.
Will you excuse me for a second? I'll be right back.
Charlie says hi.
I know I'm the last person you wanna see, Claire.
It's just that it's about Bradford.
He's just been so depressed.
His wife's in prison.
Wouldn't that make you just the tiniest bit depressed? - Of course it would.
- Why are you really here, Wilhelmina? You're nothing but a selfish bitch.
Oh, pardon my language.
Prison has hardened me.
Claire, I'm simply a concerned observer.
Just because your life has been put on hold, doesn't mean Bradford should have to be.
Oh, you poor, stupid woman.
Look at those toes.
You're sleeping with him, aren't you? Well, I certainly hope you don't think it means anything.
It's hardly an exclusive club.
Well, if that were true, dear, then why on earth would you have to cut the brakes in Fey's car? Or were you threatened like now? Listen to me, you slut! There's a hundred women in here I could have slit your throat for a pack of menthols, and I've got a whole carton in my cell.
Stay away from my husband, you degenerate piece of human filth, or you're dead! You hear me? Dead! Willie? What? Now? - Hey, grandma.
- Hi.
Next up to ride the steed, sir Henry Grubstick! Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
Henry! Charlie, this is crazy.
Will you stop being so jealous? - Henry! - Last call for sir Grubstick! I'm sir Grubstick.
Hello.
Look, I couldn't do it.
We had sex during "Hotel Rwanda.
" Okay, that-that is a first, but I told you, cold turkey is hard.
They don't make a patch for this.
It will take every ounce of willpower you have.
I don't think I can do this.
Daniel, I have a confession to make.
Five years ago, I was where you are right now.
I doubt that, Tyler.
Skipping work, ignoring my friends.
I left my family on Christmas Eve to go to a strip club.
What am I supposed to do? Find something that helps you focus on other things.
Like what, stamp collecting? You wanna know how I got through? What is this? Something I found overseas.
Next time, instead of sex, this is your distraction.
Hear ye! Hear ye! Behold-sir Grubstick! Um, it's Betty Suarez.
Okay, Betty, uh, good luck.
You're gonna break the horse, Betty.
You get it? 'Cause she's fat, right? Lock it up! Ten seconds to go! Ten, nine six, five, four, three Oh, my god.
Betty? Are you okay? Betty? I couldn't do it.
That's right.
You got a piece of the pep.
Drop a pound! What's the matter with you? She could've been hurt.
Whatever.
Brace-face jacked my yogurt.
My lords! All quarrels in the Middle Ages are settled one way- on the log or we lose our liquor license.
Log! Log! Log! Log! Log! Log! Oh, it's about to get nerd-nasty.
Bradford thinks his wife isn't really a monster.
So let's show him what she's capable of.
I want you to hit me as hard as you can.
Willie, isn't that a little extreme, even for you? Don't pretend you've never wanted to do it.
Now's your chance.
- This isn't a trap? - Go for it! Hit me like a man, you pansy! Wilhelmina Slater.
I need visible bruises, damn it! Who do you think made sure you didn't get a raise the past two years? Who do you think cut your vacation time? Who do you think broke into your computer and canceled your subscription to Dudecruise.
com? Harder.
Henry, look, I know you believe in all this chivalry stuff, but you don't have to defend my honor.
Yes, I do.
Don't forget your crown.
Romantic little banger, isn't he? Let's have a nice, clean fight.
No punching, no kicking, no hitting below thy belt.
Let's do this, beeyotch.
I am unmanned! Oh, boo to the black knight! Come on! Give him a right hook! Come on, Henry! Give him a big old- He's done! I'm the winner! I'm the winner! I'm the winner! Yeah! Yeah! Stop it! Henry! Yeah! He's done! Did I win? Oh, my god.
I'm so sorry.
I love you.
Henry.
Henry.
Did you just say "I love you"? Henry, wake up! What did you say?! - Ow.
- Oh.
I'm sorry.
- Charlie? - No, it's-it's Betty.
No, it's Charlie.
Oh.
Um, hi.
How-how long have you been here? Long enough to wonder why my boyfriend's getting hurt defending you.
No, no, you don't understand.
Um, it's not what it looks like.
I'm not stupid, Betty, okay? I've seen the way he looks at you.
Look, I swear, I didn't mean for this to happen.
Maybe you didn't, but there's a reason that fairy tales don't have two princesses.
He's my boyfriend, so back off, Betty.
You serious? Yes.
I'm coming to Brazil! Oh, we need to celebrate.
Pour us some more champagne, I'll light some candles and run us a bath.
Cheesy, but it works.
Everything is going according to plan.
You're sure she agreed to leave? I promise, Bradford.
She'll be gone.
She's coming to Brazil, and I don't think she'll want to come back.
It is you.
I can't believe it.
You're the old serving wench.
I'm the new serving wench.
I know who you are.
You replaced me.
Step off, skipper.
I- I didn't want to replace you.
I totally meant my performance as a homage to yours.
Did Marc put you up to this? Does Marc work at "Mode" with you? Are you his boss? - Kind of.
- You guys are so fancy.
You must get to meet all the big stars.
Well, I did get a water for Brad Pitt once.
Still have the bottle.
I know you were on the phone with my father.
Oh, amor, it is just business.
Like our relationship? What are you talking about? My father paid you to seduce me so I'd go back to Brazil with you.
Alexis, wait.
I may be a woman but I still know how to hit like a man.
Relax.
Betty said she'd get the money.
I told you, I'm not going.
Ay, papi, this is crazy.
Why wouldn't you want to go? Lawyers make a lot of promises.
I don't know what's gonna happen when I go down there.
I may not be able to get back.
Would you stop talking like that? You need to be prepared to step up, mija.
What? I mean, Betty's- No Betty.
You need to pull it together.
You're the oldest.
You have a son.
You're out of a job, and you just quit beauty school.
Well, I didn't wanna quit.
Okay? But they just- they stopped appreciating all of this.
You're an adult, Hilda.
I'm not going anywhere until I know you're able to take care of this family.
He said it, Christina.
I know he did.
How could he leave with her? Maybe that twit Nick Pepper scrambled his brains.
It doesn't really matter what he said because he chose her.
Because she moved 3,000 miles to be with him.
He's just doing the honorable thing.
He's a good guy, which is why you fell for him in the first place.
I know.
What do you need a boyfriend for anyway? Ah, they're overrated.
I don't need one.
It was just it was nice, you know, having somebody rescue me for a change.
Especially him.
Do you want to know the truth? You can take care of yourself, princess.
Watch me pound this brew, bro! Yes.
You want some pepper, you're gonna get the spice.
Secretaries Day! It's Administrative Professionals Day.
What's up, yogurt thief? Where's sir Dorko to defend your honor? Sir Dorko-that was awesome.
Hey, Nick.
I can defend myself.
Thank you.
What are you doing here, Suarez? I'm finishing this course so I can take care of my family.
I was hoping I scared you off.
I'm not a kid.
I don't scare that easy.
Okay, people.
We're being timed on this starting now.
So brush it high or say good-bye.
Okay, so your perm checks out, which brings us to nails.
Suarez, is there some reason that your model here doesn't have a manicure? The test said I had to do a manicure.
It just didn't say on who.
I wasn't gonna waste all that hotness on somebody else.
Oh, you guys, it's no big deal.
I did all of these one-handed.
Pass.
Okay, people, back to work.
Show's over.
It's Claire again.
I can't believe she had this done to you.
It was just so horrible.
Those three thugs pulled me into that alley and they even tore my Chanel.
I guess I was wrong about her.
She's not the woman I thought she was.
What does that mean? Our marriage is over.
I'll talk to the lawyer tomorrow.
There's still this ringing in my ear from the trauma.
What did-what did you say? I'm divorcing Claire.
Bradford.
You have no idea how much this means to me.
Will you be a dear and get me a glass of water? I'm I need to take my pain pills.
Hello? Hello? Is this Mr.
Wolf? I heard you might be able to help me with a problem.
I need it eliminated.
- Good job, Betty.
- Yeah, good arm.
- Hey, good job.
- Thanks.
Way to go, Betty.
Betty, can I speak with you for a second? Good morning.
You look good today.
Therapy suits you.
Actually, I don't want to talk about my problems.
I would like to talk about yours, however.
I didn't know the yogurt was his.
Not that.
Apparently, you've got a very thoughtless boss who didn't realize until last night that you deserve a lot more than a crappy trophy.
- These are tickets.
- To Mexico.
For you and your father and the rest of your family.
All they had was first class.
I hope you don't mind.
No.
No, Daniel.
It's too much.
Stop it.
You're always there for everyone else.
Let me be there for you.
Happy Administrative Professionals Day.
It's Administrative Profe- No, wait.
That's right.
Thank you.
Thank you.
I'm gonna go call my family.
Hilda, it's Betty.
Daniel got us tickets to Mexico.
I know.
We're going to Mexico first class.