Xena: Warrior Princess s01e21 Episode Script

Wanna try it again? OK I hate it when you do that I have to practice Not on my horse I wish the two of you would just get along It’s not like we’re at constant war or anything Argo doesn’t like me Sometimes you have to have patience with things that annoy you Oh, I never said she annoyed me I wasn’t talking to you Oh, funny,very, very funny There’s a road on the other side of those trees I’ll meet you there bring Argo You go on We’ll catch up Be nice Make sure the saddle’s tight Make sure the saddle’s tight? Hey! Are you Xena? Yes Thank the gods Sorry Talmadeus is trying to take Lord Seltzer He’s attacking the factory You have to save him Calm down Who’s Lord Seltzer? He’s the most wonderful giving unselfish man the gods ever sent to our valley Hey,this is good See,I knew we could get along Please Xena will be so surprised You stupid, conniving, four-foot daughter of a, mare?! All right We have him! Talmadeus will reward us all tonight You see,he wanted your head by nightfall It’s gonna be the centerpiece on his dinner table Wouldn’t he like a nice bunch of flowers, instead? Orchids are lovely this time of year And I look terrible with an apple in my mouth Burn it down! Swords! Xena! Oh, Xena! A little help here! Important person being kidnapped!Hello! To make this work we have orders for this water We need back-up You know what this is? It’s water,fizzy water He’s making money selling water Salmoneus! Ix-nay on the Almoneus-Say Here, I’m known as ‘Lord Seltzer’ Salmoneus-- Why is Talmadeus after you? He’s after my secret elixir You see, when I came to this town, the people had no zip, no energy I mean, let’s face it,their get up and go just kind of lay there and Ptthhh! But after my magic elixir they felt better Productivity went up living conditions improved What did you sell to Talmadeus? Me? I never sold! I,all right, one little transaction I, I,I sold him some ah,talcamite swords and belt buckles What’s talcamite? It looks and feels like metal until it gets wet, and then it dissolves Well, how did I know it was gonna rain on the big battle?! Anyway, the swords and belt buckles melted One big, naked defeat? It wasn’t pretty He’s not gonna stop until he has me drawn and quartered You’ve gotta get me out of here,please We’re not leaving these people at the mercy of Talmadeus he’ll kill them all Xena, please Oww! Gorney! Watch that water pressure, will ya?! If you want something done right you gotta buy the right people How does he manage to do that? Stay alive He must have a guardian Moray or something OK, so, what’s the plan? The plan is to make Talmadeus realize what he’s up against Lord Talmadeus Where is Salmoneus? We had him at his factory when this,this woman showed up She fought with the strength of Ares and the speed of Hermes Xena! I must have Salmoneus Is that wise? I mean, with Xena in the picture What if she wants Salmoneus, too? This man’s blood is mine, not Xena’s He made defeat out of certain victory; he made a fool of my army he made a fool of me! If I have to go through a dozen Xena’s to get my hands on his scrawny neck I will! Stay in formation! Keep your eyes open! Yes, sir Xena! Something’s wrong What’s happening? No! I’m the man who killed Xena! OK Go, Argo Go! Go! Go! Did you see that?I had her I had her Maybe it’s a trap No, I saw the fear in her eyes She’s run for her life This was really a stupid time to try to keep something from me I didn’t know how much Talmic poison was on the dart It doesn’t matter If there was even a chance of your being sick, you should’ve told me You could’ve gotten killed! Gabrielle-- yell at me later How bad is it? I still don’t know My legs are almost useless I can’t feel my feet My arms’ll probably go next You’re gonna pull through, right? I mean, it’s not It’s gonna get worse before it gets better OK,I’ve been thinking about things and I’ve made some decisions You have? Yes Somebody has to take charge Someone has to have the initiative to get us out of this mess Somebody has to take command Now,any ideas where we can find this person huh? We’ve got the person Xena’s gonna be all right Yeah, I know that you know that; but, Talmadeus has a different slant on the thing He thinks you are well, the way you are Then, we’ll just have to convince him that I’m OK Uh-huh,and you propose to do that exactly how? Oh, no So, what do you think? OK, so it’s a little bigUh, well, tighten it for me Talmadeus is sure to attack us and when he does, we’ll be ready When Gabrielle makes her appearance as me it should be enough So, I just stand there and I, I,wave this fake chakram and give that yell-thingy of yours And can you give that yell-thingy? This is not gonna fool Talmadeus See, now that could work! Salmoneus, go round up your workers we don’t have much time Done Come here Now, Gabrielle, listen carefully Now,I know you’ve been in battles before but this one is different I want you riding in and out of there quickly Riding? That would mean Argo No,she doesn’t like me She doesn’t hate you I thought you had a pony when you were young I did His name was Tympani Did you leave Tympani with your sister? No,actually, he got very sick one day and why I thought he would get better, but it’s just what happens with things that you love Sometimes they just leave you Yes, it’s me Now look We have to call a truce, OK? All right, now you,stand back The gallop whistle Argo! Yeah, see, I must have a different definition for the word, uh, gallop I thought the whistle was this How certain are we that Xena isn’t going to interfere? Ah! You saw what happened Talmadeus defeated her She’s probably half-way to Athens by now What’s that noise? Thought you’d come back for some more, did you? Does she seem smaller than before? This is your only warning either leave this valley forever or suffer the wrath of Xena! Up, Argo! Up, Argo! I always bow to my enemies before I destroy them! She’s bluffing Get her! This is your last warning! The man who gets her, gets her! By Talmadeus’ orders! Get her! Ready! Get her! up! Now! Shake! Aim! Fire! Advance! Fire! Retreat! Xena! I can’t tell you how much we appreciate what you’re doing here We don’t have much to offer but it’s all yours for the asking it Lord Seltzer means the world to us That’s OK I’m sure Lord Seltzer is more,concerned with his people than with himself Oh, indeed, indeed Now, I’d like all the corks stored and inventoried, OK? To the cork room very good Sweet people,not a business brain among them If you just, give me a few moments to make my peace with the gods please I made sure the guards were posted Good,now let’s get everybody out of the factory Tell them to go home board up their houses and stay inside Talmadeus’ focus right now is here Xena, can you just stop thinking of everybody else for a second? There’s gotta be something I can do for you Don’t worry about me What did I tell you? Focus We’ve got Talmadeus on his heels You need to hit him at his camp A direct attack will really make him cautious Take these Xena, are you gonna die? It’s not about me It’s about these people That’s why we’re here People like this used to be my victims I keep that in mind every time we come up against a warlord like Talmadeus It’s the greater good remember that Gabrielle if it does happen I want to be taken back home to be buried next to my brother, Lyceus Go on, now I’ll be here when you get back I don’t care if she is back She’s not gonna keep me from Salmoneus I’ve beaten her once I can do it again Incoming! We’re under attack! It’s Xena! Save the weapons! Don’t panic, you fools! Get organized! Save my tent first! Get those guards in position! You’re not Xena! Where is it? I hate uninvited guests So,it was all a trick Xena was covering for some weakness I almost fell for it Brilliant Maybe, you’re falling for it right now Maybe my being captured is the trick Have you thought about that? I can’t help but admire your bravery Too bad I have to kill you Y, you don’t have to Oh, don’t worry you’ll soon have plenty of company on Charon’s boat I’ll make it quick Yeah! Kill the horse! Hah, you’re not gonna kick me, you stupid horse! Go! Ya! Go, Argo! Go! Get the horses! No! Don’t waste the effort Oh, somebody konked me Xena? Xena This is a trick, right? Come on Proud warrioress I will miss you Any word from Kalus? Ah, no sir, nothing Maybe the Warrior Princess is still alive That’s the kind of talk that paralyzed this army That’s exactly what Xena wanted This entire valley, is mine for the taking And it’s time I started Xena!Xena, we’ve got trouble! Wait a second Salmoneus, get out of my way! Wait a second! What? No OK, there’s nothing we can do here We’ve gotta get out of here That’s what I think What do you think? If we can move these barrels we can make a defensive wall that will take days to breech Defense? Breech? And when you’re done with that gather as much wood as you can without leaving the area How long can these people hold out against Talmadeus’ army? Long enough for me to get to Labottie I think Iolaus is there If you’re leaving this valley I am coming with you I am not gonna be killed Talmadeus will do both of us This is not about you or me, Salmoneus It’s about these people Now, that’s why we’re here why Xena was here We are staying and fighting for the greater good Get to work I have to focusI have to focus Xena said to focus All right, I know what I have to do Take me, take Xena, and, and let the people go You’re a man of your word, right? Just checking Now,where’s Xena? She’s at the factory She’s dead Now remember we have a deal, right? Yes, yes, don’t worry I’m an honorable man, as you say GoLead my army to Xena Bring her and the villagers here When I know she’s truly dead then I’ll let everyone go Salmoneus, Xena dead, and a whole village of slaves to be sold it’s turned out to be a good day OK, I fulfilled my end of the bargain Now make me proud to have done business with you and let these people go Bring out Xena’s body You heard him Right Who killed Xena? I don’t know You don’t know It’s obvious, and soon the entire world will know I killed her! The great Talmadeus has taken down the Warrior Princess But, business is business, and a good businessman just gives what he is given You gave me talcamite weapons and I lost a battle I’m giving back Now, selling these people of yours to the slavers is good business We had a deal! Hey! Bring out the horses Let’s tear this carcass limb from limb I like her spirit I’m taking my friend and we’re leaving Got it?! You fight well I might ask you to join I’m taking her home to her brother I can see you’re determined Put her on the horse, now! How long do you think you can keep this up? The moment your head turns, the moment your eyes flicker, I’ve got you, and you know it You don’t even know how to hold a sword You people are pathetic! Such nobility such a complete waste of time Tie Xena to the horses! All right, finish it! That’s Xena’s horse,kill it Xena?! Xena! Xena! Don’t you ever touch my horse again Get her! Yeah! Glad to have you back Don’t you ever do this again Gabrielle we’re in the middle of a fight! Leave, quick, run, quickly! At least I get my revenge on you Think again Thank you! I’m glad you’re not dead It would have robbed me of this Well, it would have saved me from your breath I’m glad to see you two are getting along Well, the best of friends are made in strange situations And Argo’s OK,I mean, at least, I know she doesn’t hate me She’s still too tall, though And I am angry with you I mean, I really thought that you were, you know I was Talmic poison shuts everything down I had to go under with it just to fight the effects; I didn’t expect to be under it so long, is all You still don’t know who hit you with that dart Whoever it was sure knew what they were doing We just have to figure out why Gabrielle when you thought I was dead you risked your life to try and take me back home It was your last wish For all that you’ve given me and all the times that you saved my life, I would go to Tatarus and back just to carry it out I used to wonder whether I’d ever make it back,now I know that, one way or another, I’m going home one day Thank you Change the subject I’m gonna get all soft on you We wouldn’t want that, would we?