According To Jim s01e22 Episode Script

OKAY.
NOW, THERE'S A VERY FINE ART TO THIS, SO WATCH CLOSELY.
NOW, HOLD YOUR HAND OUT, STICK YOUR FINGERS TOGETHER, AND MAKE A LITTLE CUP.
GOOD.
OKAY, NOW PUT IT UNDER YOUR ARMPIT, MAKE SURE THERE'S A GOOD SEAL.
NOW LET IT RIP.
WOW! IT SOUNDS LIKE A FART.
YEAH.
THAT'S HOW YOU KNOW YOU'RE DOING IT RIGHT.
JIM, WHAT ARE YOU DOING? MAKING SURE THEY DON'T HAVE BOYFRIENDS TILL THEY'RE 15.
HAH! OH, BABY.
Jim: READY, SET, GO! GO! GO! GO! OW! GO! GO! GO! GO! GO! GO! YAY! KYLE, YOU ARE SO STRONG.
MAYBE I SHOULD START BREAST-FEEDING, HUH? YEAH, THE WAY YOU EAT, YOU'D HAVE TO DO IT EVERY THREE MINUTES.
NICE.
Cheryl: OH! HEY, JIM, LISTEN TO THIS-- THE CHICAGO BEARS ARE HAVING A CELEBRITY BOWL-OFF.
WE CAN BOWL WITH ALL-PRO LINEBACKER BRIAN URLACHER.
WHEN'S THAT? SATURDAY NIGHT.
OH, SATURDAY NIGHT? THAT'S CHERYL'S BIRTHDAY.
WELL, YOU KNOW, CHERYL, WE DON'T HAVE ANY PLANS.
COME ON, COME ON, WE COULD BOWL, AND YOU CAN GO SHOPPING.
AT A BOWLING ALLEY? THEY GOT A PRO SHOP.
I SO SEE WHAT YOU'RE DOING.
THERE'S NO BOWLING TOURNAMENT.
YOU'RE JUST TRYING TO LURE ME THERE FOR MY GREAT BIG SURPRISE PARTY.
I AM SO FAR AHEAD OF YOU, I COULD STOP FOR LUNCH.
NO, CHERYL, REALLY, THERE IS A TOURNAMENT.
IT'S RIGHT HERE.
OH, YEAH, WHAT IS THAT? ONE OF THOSE GAG PAPERS YOU GUYS HAD PRINTED UP? [SCOFFS.]
OH, "TOXIC SPILL SENDS 40 TO HOSPITAL.
" IT'S A NICE TOUCH.
CHERYL, WE AREN'T DOING ANYTHING FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY.
OKAY, WE'RE NOT DOING ANYTHING FOR MY BIRTHDAY.
STOP IT! OKAY, I'LL STOP IT.
CHERYL, SEE, THIS IS WHY BETTER-LOOKING GUYS DIDN'T MARRY YOU.
THERE IS NOTHING GOING ON FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY.
WE CAN'T THROW YOU A SURPRISE PARTY BECAUSE YOU ALWAYS EXPECT ONE.
THAT'S NO FUN! THAT'S WHY I STOPPED TRYING TO DO IT.
ALL RIGHT! OKAY! OKAY, I GET IT.
NO PARTY.
THAT'S RIGHT.
BUT I'LL PROBABLY LEAVE THE HOUSE FOR A FEW HOURS ON SATURDAY AFTERNOON, COME BACK AT, SAY, 7:00.
THAT GOOD FOR YOU? MOMMY, HOW OLD ARE YOU GONNA BE? HOW OLD WAS I LAST YEAR? WELL, THERE YOU GO.
HEY, SWEETIE, WANNA GUESS HOW OLD I AM? NO.
HEY, YOU GUYS! HEY! I HAVE SOME GOOD NEWS.
OH, YOU MOVING TO ANOTHER CITY? NO.
I GOT A PROMOTION.
IN ANOTHER CITY? AS OF NOW, I'M ONLY FIVE VICE-PRESIDENCIES FROM THE TOP.
DANA, THAT'S GREAT.
YEAH.
I WISH MY BOSS WOULD GIVE ME A PROMOTION.
I GAVE YOU A PROMOTION.
HAVEN'T YOU NOTICED YOU'RE NOT PAYING FOR COFFEE ANYMORE? I STILL PAY.
WELL, IT TAKES TIME FOR THE PAPERWORK TO GO THROUGH.
ANYWAY, MY OFFICE IS THROWING ME A LITTLE SOIREE, SO IF YOU CAN SAVE THIS SUNDAY, THAT WOULD BE GREAT.
[LAUGHS KNOWINGLY.]
WHAT? OH, THAT PARTY IS FOR ME, AND YOU KNOW IT.
NO, CHERYL, I REALLY GOT A PROMOTION.
OH, PLEASE.
YOU'RE TERRIBLE AT WHAT YOU DO.
[TELEPHONE RINGS.]
HELLO? UH, YES, HE IS.
HE'S RIGHT HERE.
ME? YEAH, IT'S A LOU WHITAKER FOR YOU.
THANK YOU.
MM-HMM.
HEY, LOU.
HOW YOU DOIN'? SURE.
Chocolate raspberry.
YEAH, NO, THANKS FOR CALLING.
ALL RIGHT.
BYE-BYE.
WHAT WAS THAT ABOUT? UH, THAT'S, UH, LOU FROM WORK.
HE'S THE TILE GUY.
OH, WHY'D YOU SAY, "CHOCOLATE RASPBERRY"? UM, WELL, HE'S THINKING ABOUT BECOMING A MALE STRIPPER, AND HE WANTED TO RUN SOME STAGE NAMES BY ME.
I SEE.
CHERYL, YOU KNOW, WHAT MY GUYS DO IN THEIR OFF TIME IS NONE OF MY BUSINESS.
THEN WHY'D YOU MAKE ME QUIT SQUARE-DANCING? BECAUSE YOU WERE SQUARE-DANCING.
JIM, WOULD YOU PLEASE GIVE THE GIRLS A BATH FOR ME? WHY? THEY SMELL FINE.
HONEY, IT'S MY BIRTHDAY WEEK.
OH, IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY WEEK, SO I GOTTA GIVE THEM A BATH.
IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY WEEK.
ALL RIGHT, GIRLS, COME ON.
BUT I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW, CHERYL, ON MY BIRTHDAY WEEK, YOU GOTTA GIVE ME A BATH AND I'M A VERY DIRTY BOY.
THANKS, HONEY.
THANK YOU.
YOU'RE GONNA TELL ME WHAT HE'S DOING FOR MY BIRTHDAY AND YOU'RE GONNA TELL ME RIGHT NOW.
OH, MY GOD, KYLE'S WALKING! WHAT? AHHA HA.
ALL RIGHT.
CUT THE CRAP.
JIM'S BEEN GETTING CALLS FROM LANCE PARRISH, JIM RICE, WILLIE HERNANDEZ, AND NOW LOU WHITAKER.
SO? THEY'RE OBVIOUSLY CODE NAMES! THOSE ARE ALL PLAYERS FROM THE 1984 AMERICAN LEAGUE ALL-STARS.
HOW WOULD YOU KNOW THAT? THERE'S A 15-YEAR-OLD SPORTS ILLUSTRATED IN THE BATHROOM.
WHAT'S GOING ON? WELL WHAT? UMALL RIGHT.
THE TRUTH IS Cheryl: OH!! AAAAH! NO! OH! AAH! OH, GOD, NO! OH! TELL ME! I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING! [PREPARES TO SPIT.]
AAAH! ALL RIGHT! THE PARTY'S FRIDAY, FRIDAY? WHY FRIDAY? MY BIRTHDAY'S ON SATURDAY.
HE WAS TRYING TO THROW YOU OFF.
HAH! SUCH AN AMATEUR! BEER AND WINE? I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING.
[PREPARES TO SPIT.]
I SWEAR TO GOD! ALL RIGHT! CASH BAR! DAMN IT! I HATE YOU! HEY, IS THAT NEW LIPSTICK? YEAH, YOU LIKE IT? IT'S GREAT.
ISN'T IT GOOD? YEAH.
Cheryl: OKAY, HERE I COME.
ALL RIGHT HOW DO I LOOK? PRETEND I SHAVED MY LEGS.
YOU LOOK GREAT! WILL YOU PLEASE JUST GO UPSTAIRS? I'M GETTING REALLY NERVOUS.
DON'T WORRY.
JIM SAID HE WOULDN'T BE HOME TILL 6:00 TONIGHT.
OKAY NOW CHECK OUT MY SURPRISE ACT FOR THE PARTY.
[GASPS.]
OH! A SURPRISE PARTY! OH, I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'RE ALL HERE! [GASPING.]
I'M NOT GONNA CRY! I'M NOT GONNA CRY! [SOBBING.]
OH, YES, I AM! [NORMAL VOICE.]
WHAT DO YOU THINK? THAT'S EXACTLY HOW YOU REACTED WHEN I GOT YOU THOSE SALT AND PEPPER SHAKERS.
ARE YOU KIDDING?! I LOVE THOSE! REALLY? NO.
SEE HOW GOOD I AM? CHERYL WOW! YOU LOOK HOT! DANA, GET OUT.
Y-Y-Y-YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE HOME TILL 6:00! SO WHAT? I'LL KILL AN HOUR IN THE BATHROOM, AND IT'LL BE 6:00.
WOW, YOU LOOK GREAT.
YOU GOTTA SHAVE YOUR LEGS, BUT, UH WHAT'S WITH THE GET-UP? UH, I-I-I JUST LIKE TO GET DOLLED UP FOR MY MAN.
YEAH! YEAH, JIM.
YOU WORK HARD ALL DAY.
YOU DESERVE IT.
CHERYL'S A VERY LUCKY WOMAN.
DON'T I KNOW IT! WELCOME HOME, HONEY.
YEAH.
WELCOME HOME! YOU TOLD HER ABOUT THE PARTY, DIDN'T YOU? NO, I DIDN'T.
YES, YOU DID! YOU NEVER KISSED ME, NOT EVEN AT MY WEDDING! SHE WAS GONNA SPIT ON ME! I KNEW I COULDN'T TRUST YOU! YOU'RE WEAK! WHAT, ARE YOU SCARED OF A LITTLE SPIT? OH, IF I WAS SCARED OF SPIT, I WOULDN'T STAND THIS CLOSE WHEN YOU TALK.
OH, REALLY?! YEAH! WELL, YOU JUST SOLD ME UP THE RIVER! IT'S DOWN THE RIVER, IDIOT! OH, I'M THE IDIOT! I TOLD YOU SHE'D FIND OUT! SHE ALWAYS FINDS OUT! NO! SHE FOUND OUT BECAUSE YOU BLEW IT! YOU OPENED YOUR BIG YAP! YOU KNOW WHAT? I CAN NEVER TRUST YOU WITH ANYTHING EVER AGAIN! FINE! EXCEPT THE KIDS, BECAUSE ON SUNDAY, YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO COME OVER AND WATCH THE KIDS WHILE CHERYL'S WORKING OUT AND I'M STILL SLEEPING.
YOU CAN DO THAT, BUT NOTHING ELSE! OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT? I'M SORRY I EVER HELPED YOU WITH YOUR STUPID PARTY! OH, STUPID PARTY.
WELL, GUESS WHAT? THERE ISN'T GONNA BE A STUPID PARTY ANYMORE! IT'S OVER! FINE BY ME! ONE MORE NIGHT I DON'T HAVE TO WATCH YOU CHEW! OH, WELL, ONE MORE NIGHT I DON'T HAVE TO LOOK AT YOU! DANA, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT! OH, NO! WHAT DID YOU DO?! WHAT DID I DO?! THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT! YOU COULDN'T JUST LET IT GO! YOU HAD TO KNOW, HUH?! KNOW, KNOW, KNOW -- NOSY, THAT'S WHAT YOU ARE! YOU'RE NOSY! YOU'RE NOSY! YOU DON'T EVEN NEED THE REST OF YOUR FACE! SAID THE STOMACH WITH FEET.
OHOH, THAT'S VERY FUNNY, CHERYL.
WELL, I HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY BECAUSE NOW THE PARTY'S OVER.
IT'S BLOWN, IT'S CANCELED.
NO, NO, HONEY, HONEY, HONEY.
NO! HONEY, I CAN ACT SURPRISED! LOOK! OHH! OH, THAT'S AWFUL! AWFUL! HEY, HONEY, WHERE ARE YOU GOING? WELL, YOU'RE GONNA FIND OUT ANYWAY, I MIGHT AS WELL TELL YOU.
I'M GOING TO THE KITCHEN.
HONEY, HONEY.
OH, SWEETHEART, COME HERE.
I FEEL TERRIBLE.
I WANNA DO SOMETHING.
WHAT CAN I DO? IT'S TOO LATE.
YOU CAN'T DO ANYTHING.
OH, COME ON.
HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT? WE'LL HAVE A PARTY JUST FOR US.
I'LL DO EVERYTHING.
I'LL MAKE YOU A CAKE.
OHH, I DON'T KNOW.
WHAT KIND OF CAKE DO YOU WANT? I DON'T KNOW.
HOW ABOUT A CAKE LIKE THE ONE WE HAD AT OUR WEDDING? A WEDDING CAKE? HONEY, THAT'S GOT, LIKE, SIX TIERS! I'D HAVE TO START BAKING NOW.
WELL, CHERYL, YOU REALLY MESSED UP.
FINE.
AND A MOON BOUNCE.
YEAH, RIGHT, YOU'RE GONNA BOUNCE UP AND DOWN IN A MOON BOUNCE.
NO YOU ARE.
OKAY, CHERYL, MAYBE I WAS WRONG ABOUT THAT SURPRISE FACE YOU DID.
DO IT AGAIN.
OKAY.
AHHHH! THAT IS REALLY AWFUL.
ONLY JIM WOULD MISS HIS OWN WIFE'S BIRTHDAY PARTY.
YOU SURE HE KNOWS THE ADDRESS? DANA, HE HAD A PLUMBING EMERGENCY.
THIS IS WHAT IT'S LIKE BEING MARRIED TO A CONTRACTOR.
YOU KNOW, IT'S LIKE BEING MARRIED TO A DOCTOR.
YEAH, A DOCTOR WHO CAN BURP THE ALPHABET.
HOW'S YOUR HUSBAND? OH, HAPPY BIRTHDAY! OH, THE KIDS ARE ASLEEP.
I'M SO SORRY I'M LATE.
IT'S OKAY.
YOUR DINNER'S IN THE OVEN.
GREAT.
SO, WHAT'S THE DEAL WITH WARMING IT UP? YOU TURN ON THE OVEN.
GREAT! YOU KNOW WHAT? IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY.
I'LL DO IT.
HERE, CHERYL.
OHH! IT'S A VEGGIE SHOOTER-PLUS.
WOW! IT'S LIKE A GUN THAT SHOOTS COLESLAW.
OH! THANK YOU.
WHOA.
WHOA! WHY DO YOU SMELL LIKE BEER AND CIGARS? WHY ARE YOU WEARING BOWLING SHOES? [LAUGHS NERVOUSLY.]
THIS THING THIS THING IS SO TOUGH, YEAH.
IN THE INFOMERCIAL, ROBERT URICH DRIVES A JEEP OVER IT.
WHERE DID YOU GUYS GO, ANDY? I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.
[PREPARES TO SPIT.]
OKAY, OKAY! WE WENT BOWLING WITH THE BEARS.
WHAT?! YEAH! BRIAN URLACHER WAS THERE.
LOOK, HE SIGNED ME.
THE WHOLE TEAM COULD'VE SIGNED THAT.
I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU BLEW OFF MY BIRTHDAY.
HE'S GOT ONE, TOO! HE'S GOT ONE, TOO! ANDY, I WAS ONLY GONE FOR 30 SECONDS! YOU WANNA SEE HIM DANCE? DANA, WOULD YOU PLEASE TAKE THE GIRLS UP AND GIVE THEM THEIR BATH AND PUT THEM TO BED? YEAH, SURE.
THANK YOU, SWEETIE.
BUT WE WANT CAKE.
OH, THAT IS SO CUTE.
HONEY, CAN YOU DO THAT AGAIN? BUT WE WANT CAKE.
H-H-H-HEY.
HERE.
HAVE IT IN THE TUB.
YAY.
SO, UH, WE CAN EAT IN THE TUB AGAIN? THAT WAS THE MOST INCONSIDERATE, THOUGHTLESS, SELF-CENTERED THING YOU HAVE EVER DONE! OHH! Video alone cannot convey the tension in this room.
WILL YOU TURN THAT THING OFF?! NO, NO, I WANT YOU TO KEEP IT ON, BECAUSE I WANT HER TO SEE THAT SHE REALLY DOES DO THIS! OH! CHERYL, COME ON.
THIS THING TONIGHT WAS A ONCE-IN-A-LIFETIME CHANCE-- BOWLING WITH THE BEARS! I MEAN, IT WAS FOR CHARITY.
DON'T YOU CARE ABOUT HELPING THOSE PEOPLE? WHICH PEOPLE, JIM? THOSE PEOPLE THAT GOT THAT PROBLEM.
YOU KNOW, THEIR INSIDES AND STUFF--WHATEVER IT IS.
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.
NO! THIS WAS MY BIRTHDAY! IT WAS IMPORTANT TO ME! YEAH?! YEAH! WELL, IF IT WASN'T FOR YOUR IDIOT BROTHER NOT BEING ABLE TO KEEP HIS YAP SHUT -- HEY, HEY, HEY! HE IS NOT AN IDIOT! NO? HE'S SPINELESS! Ouch.
AND HOW ABOUT YOUR SISTER? YOUR SISTER CAN'T KEEP A SECRET! IF SHE COULD'VE KEPT THE SECRET, YOU KNOW, YOU COULD BE ENJOYING A SURPRISE PARTY TONIGHT IN-IN-IN PARIS! WE WERE NOT GOING TO PARIS! WELL, YOU'LL NEVER FIND THAT OUT NOW, WILL YOU? HEY, HEY, HEY! WHY ARE YOU MAKING THIS MY FAULT? WHY NOT? I'M THE ONE WHOSE SURPRISE PARTY GOT RUINED! OH, YOU?! I'M THE ONE WHO HAD TO MAKE MY OWN BIRTHDAY DINNER! OH, FINE! FINE! FINE! I WILL NEVER, EVER THROW ANOTHER PARTY, PLAN ANOTHER PARTY, GO TO ANOTHER PARTY AGAIN WITH YOU, FOR YOU! WELL, THANK YOU! YOU'RE WELCOME! MAYBE I'LL ACTUALLY HAVE A GOOD TIME ON MY BIRTHDAY! FINE! FINE! OH, YEAH?! YEAH.
SH-UUUHH! COULD SOMEONE STORM OUT? WE'RE DYING HERE.
WITH PLEASURE! OH! OKAY, CUT.
THAT'S A WRAP.
NICE WORK, PEOPLE.
MOMMY? HMM? CAN WE GO WITH YOU? OH, NO, SWEETIE.
THIS IS A GROWN-UP PARTY FOR AUNT DANA.
SO I WANT YOU GIRLS TO BE REALLY GOOD AND LISTEN TO MRS.
BISHOP WHEN SHE'S HERE, OKAY? OKAY? WE DON'T LIKE HER.
SHE SMELLS LIKE CORN.
YEAH.
WELL, YOUR DADDY ONLY WANTS TO PAY $3 AN HOUR FOR BABYSITTING.
GOOD-SMELLING BABYSITTERS COST MORE.
ALL RIGHT, NOW I WANT YOU GIRLS TO GO GET YOUR SNACK, AND I'LL PUT IN YOUR VIDEO, OKAY? EXCELLENT.
Jim: HEY, GIRLS.
Both: HI, DADDY! HOW ARE YOU, BABY? JIM, I THOUGHT YOU WERE GETTING DRESSED.
THE SITTER'S GONNA BE HERE IN 10 MINUTES.
I'M NOT GONNA GO TO THAT DANA THING.
WHAT? WHY NOT? IT'S SUNDAY.
"ALIAS" IS ON.
YOU CAN TAPE IT.
AH, IT'S NOT THE SAME.
I LIKE TO ENJOY IT WITH THE REST OF THE COUNTRY.
OKAY, JIM, COME ON.
DON'T--DON'T DO THIS, PLEASE.
I KNOW, I KNOW, HONEY, WE'RE IN A LITTLE BIT OF A THING RIGHT NOW, BUT-BUT BUT WE CAN'T CANCEL.
DANA IS FAMILY, AND WE PROMISED WE'D GO.
NO, HONEY, YOU PROMISED.
SHE'S YOUR FAMILY.
OH, COME ON.
OH, COME ON, CHERYL.
DANA DOESN'T CARE WHAT'S IMPORTANT TO ME.
YOU KNOW, WHY SHOULD I CARE WHAT'S IMPORTANT TO HER? BECAUSE IT'S IMPORTANT TO ME, AND I'M YOUR WIFE.
I'M NOT MAKING THE CONNECTION.
FINE.
CANCEL THE SITTER AND STAY HOME WITH THE KIDS.
WELL, I LOVE STAYING HOME WITH THE KIDS, BUT WHY CANCEL THE SITTER? OKAY.
YOU KNOW, I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU DO.
I AM GONNA GO OUT AND HAVE FUN.
I AM GOING TO EAT AND DRINK AND PARTY AND FLIRT BECAUSE I JUST TURNED 25, AND I AM GONNA ACT LIKE IT.
HEY, I GOT WEDDING CAKE, "ALIAS," AND MRS.
BISHOP.
THE NIGHT BELONGS TO ME, BABY.
UH, EXCUSE ME.
YEAH? UM, I'M SUPPOSED TO MEET A BIG GROUP HERE FOR A PARTY FOR MY SISTER.
IS THIS ORIGINAL EDDIE'S STEAK HOUSE? YES, BUT IT'S THE OTHER ORIGINAL EDDIE'S.
THE ORIGINAL ORIGINAL EDDIE'S-- WAY OVER ON THE WEST SIDE.
THAT'S TERRIFIC.
IS THE KITCHEN STILL OPEN? YES, IT IS.
ALL RIGHT, GIVE ME A SCOTCH.
OHH.
"DEAR CHERYL, TOOK YOUR LAST $20.
"NEEDED LOTTERY TICKETS.
FEELING LUCKY.
LOVE, JIM.
" THAT IS SO GREAT.
I DON'T EVEN HAVE CASH TO PAY FOR MY DRINK.
I'M IN THE WRONG PLACE.
YOU KNOW, I HAVE JUST MESSED EVERYTHING UP.
I'M FIGHTING WITH MY HUSBAND.
I ALMOST SPIT ON MY BROTHER AND MY SISTER.
AND I ATE, LIKE, HALF A WEDDING CAKE.
I MEAN, THIS HAS JUST BEEN A HORRIBLE BIRTHDAY WEEKEND.
I HOPE 26 IS BETTER.
YEAH.
YOU'RE 25? YES, SHE IS.
SURPRISE! SURPRISE! SURPRISE! GOTCHA.
GOTCHA, BABY.
GOTCHA, GOTCHA, GOTCHA.
I'M THE MASTER! OH, MY GOD! A SURPRISE PARTY? Jim: UH-HUH.
OHH I WAS SO MAD! YEAH? [CRYING.]
AND NOW I'M SO HAPPY! AND YOU! I HATED YOU! I KNOW! I KNOW, I KNOW! AND NOW I LOVE YOU! AW, CHERYL! WE FOOLED YOU.
WE FOOLED MOMMY.
YES, YOU DID.
WAIT, SO ALL THIS HORRIBLE, SELFISH BEHAVIOR WAS JUST AN ACT? YEAH, YEAH, THE WHOLE THING-- THE ARGUMENT WITH DANA, AND ANDY SPILLING THE BEANS.
THE WHOLE THING.
WHAT ABOUT YOUR PROMOTION? FAKE.
I'M TERRIBLE AT MY JOB.
ISN'T IT GREAT? OHH, HONEY! SEE, CHERYL, YOU'RE WAY TOO SMART.
SO IN ORDER TO KEEP YOU OFF BALANCE, I HAD TO CONSTANTLY ANNOY YOU.
YOU'VE BEEN PLANNING THIS SINCE THE DAY WE GOT MARRIED? HEY, WHAT ABOUT BOWLING WITH THE BEARS? OH, THAT WAS ALL PART OF THE PLAN, RIGHT, MR.
URLACHER? HELLO.
HI.
IT'S TRUE.
THE WHOLE RUSE WAS A DELICIOUS EXERCISE IN DECEPTION.
NOW, WHERE'S THE SICK KID I'M SUPPOSED TO MEET? UH, ANDY, THE-- THE SICK KID YEAH, ABOUT THAT OH, SWEETHEART, THANK YOU.
OH, BABY, I JUST LOVE YOU SO MUCH.
OH, I LOVE YOU MORE.
NOW YEAH? I WANT YOU TO REMEMBER-- HEY.
I WANT YOU TO REMEMBER NEXT TIME THAT YOU THINK THAT I'M, LIKE, BEING SELFISH OR DUMB OR ANNOYING RIGHT.
TAKE A MOMENT TO THINK, "IS JIM DOING THIS FOR ME?" HERE, SIT DOWN.
SIT DOWN.
GOT SOMETHING FOR YOU, BABY.
HEY, YOU GUYS READY? LET'S DO IT.
HEY, JIM, WE'RE GETTING PAID FOR THIS, RIGHT? YOU'RE PLAYING IN A STEAKHOUSE.
WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT? NOW, YOU THINK THAT I, UH, BLEW YOUR 25th BIRTHDAY, AND YOU WERE GONNA HAVE NO FUN.
WELL, WE ALL SHOWED UP TO GIVE YOU PROPS FOR ANOTHER TURN AROUND THE SUN.
NOW I MAY BE POTBELLIED, BALD AND A LITTLE GRUMPY BUT, CHERYL, NEXT TO YOU, EVERYBODY'S GONNA LOOK LUMPY.
SO, HEY, IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY, TIME TO MAKE A FUSS BECAUSE WE ALL CAME TO SAY THANK YOU BECAUSE YOU, CHERYL ARE A GIFT TO ALL OF US.
* HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU * HAPPY BIRTHDAY! * HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU * ALL RIGHT! HAPPY BIRTHDAY! * HAPPY BIRTHDAY, DEAR CHERYL * GIVE IT UP! * HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU * * BA-DA BA-DA BA-DA * * HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU * HAPPY BIRTHDAY! * HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU * ALL RIGHT! COME ON, BABY! * HAPPY BIRTHDAY, DEAR CHERYL * * HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU * [GUITAR SOLO.]
OKAY, CUP YOUR HAND LIKE THIS.
AND PUT IT UNDER YOUR ARM.
AND LET HER RIP! [FARTING NOISE.]
GOOD JOB, BRIAN.
SOUNDS LIKE A FART.
THAT'S HOW YOU KNOW YOU'RE DOING IT RIGHT.