Ally Mcbeal s01e22 Episode Script

- Criminals scare me.
- I break out.
My face breaks out.
We didn't come to discuss breakouts.
- Michael Huttle.
Thanks for coming.
- Ally McBeal.
We don't specialize in criminal law.
This case won't come down to law.
We need something unorthodox.
- Why? - 18 years ago he robbed a bank.
- They just got him? - He's been in 18 years.
Did he shoot everyone and leave them with blood everywhere? Well, we need the facts.
He shot no one.
He did most of his time.
A month prior to release, he tried to escape.
- He tried to escape with a month left? - How stupid is that? Why us? If he's convicted of trying to escape he'll have 12 years added.
He's 72.
He'll die inside.
- What do you want us to do? - Make the jury disregard the law.
- I'm sorry? - Get your nose to whistle "take a moment," make your feet squeak.
My client needs somebody to pull a rabbit out of a hat.
- Say it with me.
- Troubled.
They want John to take a case on trial day? They have no defense.
And they figure who better to go in with nothing? Ally's with him at the prison.
The trial starts at 2.
Marsha Haliday, new client, 10:00.
Wants to sue her ex-fiancé for emotional distress.
- What'd he do? - Stiffed her at the altar.
Scorn for profit.
If she's ugly, say yes.
Wait! - "If she's ugly, say yes"? - Right.
- Lf she's not? - Don't take the case.
Pretty girls can find other men.
If she's a dog, more money.
No points for personality.
I've been down this road Alone Again Walking the line That's painted by pride And I have made mistakes in my life That I just can't hide Oh, I believe I am ready For what love has to bring I got myself together Now I'm ready to sing I've been searching my soul tonight I know there's so much more to life Now I know I can shine a light To find my way back home Oh, baby, yeah Oh, yeah I know it was stupid.
A month left in my term.
Why did you try to escape? - Are you making fun of me? - Excuse me? You're blinking.
I know I blink.
You don't have to remind me.
- I blink too.
- Does he? Yes.
I just blink more when It's Tourettesian.
I pick up on the body movements of others and unconsciously I In trial with Ally, my hands swish.
It's not intentional.
He's very peculiar.
Poughkeep Poughkeep Just New York.
He does this in court, too, but I think it's on purpose.
Is it? He used to have a stutter, but he controlled it with a song Then he picked "Poughkeepsie" to preempt the Poughkeepsie is in New York, so he seized upon New York since it's phonetically less jarring.
He's an excellent lawyer.
He's just nervous around criminals.
Right, John? Mets.
- Duress? - That's what I think.
- He had no choice but to break out? - Based on what he told me - I'd prefer you not sit with us.
- Why? We must look like underdogs.
We'd be too many, especially given your size.
I know the facts.
I'll sit with you! - It is you! - Hayley! I'm the D.
A.
On the case.
I saw your name on the appearance.
I can't believe it! Oh, my God! - How are you? - I'm a little pressed for air.
I just got back from North Hampton.
- Hayley Chisolm.
- Ally McBeal.
- We were classmates.
- Are you first-chairing? - I am.
- I don't believe it! When we got excited we'd do this hop.
When we walked out of our torts final, we did the hop.
He's very funny.
Do you know how funny he is? - I've seen some hints.
- My little Biscuit.
Oh, this will be such a treat.
Old friends, huh? I know you're hurt.
The question you really have to ask yourself Will suing him really make me feel better? He didn't just break up with me.
He left me at the altar.
Minister, 300 guests, flower girls, bridesmaids, my mom, all there.
It's illegal to sever his penis.
I hired a lawyer to look it up.
Courts don't like emotional distress claims when it comes to love lives.
They think you're finding blame which defeats the purpose of no-fault.
But if you could get the judge to see the lawsuit as an alternative to castration, he may be more agreeable.
- I see.
- Can I be candid with you? So far you haven't been? In addition to losing the love of my life, I was utterly humiliated.
Three hundred people looked at me with one common feeling: Pity.
- Maybe I should just get counseling.
- No.
Counseling won't help you.
You're right, Marcia.
May I call you Marcia? I guess.
But my name is Mary.
There comes a time in our lives when we have to go forth and be vicious.
I'm sure he's a good man at heart maybe even a kind man.
But he needs to suffer.
He built a chest in shop class.
- A chest? - A hope chest for his granddaughter.
- But it was wide, huge and square.
- How did he get it in the yard? - I don't know.
He must've had help.
- Tell us exactly what you saw.
It was nighttime, and I was in the tower.
I saw him jumping on it.
He'd made some kind of trampoline.
- He was jumping higher and higher.
- Then what? I yelled, but he kept jumping.
That's when I realized what was going on.
And then, up he went, right over the wall.
Then what? Then we got him.
He wasn't going anywhere.
He sprained his ankles.
Thank you, sir.
- My name is John Cage.
How do you do? - I'm fine.
Splendid.
Nothing further.
Gee, I'd no idea you'd tell the witness your name.
What's the point? He served his term.
It's not up to me.
Prison escapes, we come down hard.
- Twelve years? - Sorry.
- You look great.
- Well, thank you.
- How is Fred? - Divorced.
You know, it's hard working and You married? Anybody? The best relationship I had with a man was you.
Platonic friendships don't disappoint.
- Any luck? - Office policy.
Prison escapes, you know.
I promise not to do my best.
- Does she know? - What? - That you were in love with her.
- I wasn't in love.
- Do you think she knows? - L Poughkeep Giuliani.
I'm Elaine Vassal.
Perhaps you've heard of me? - Not really.
- I'm surprised.
Anyway, I want you to know, I share your pangs of loneliness.
And I thought, well I've invented a husband CD.
- It can bring a lot of relief.
- A husband CD? All the sounds of a spouse.
You can carry it in your pocket.
Track one, your husband opening the car door for you like a gentleman.
Him sleeping next to you.
Tracks three through six: Normal husband sounds heard around the house.
Some of it's coarse.
But it is a marriage.
From my first day, I only thought of getting out.
- Of prison.
- I collected rubber bands.
- When I got some, I'd hoard them.
- Rubber bands.
There'd be one around papers I'd get from the library or a prisoner would slip me one.
Visitors could smuggle in a whole handful.
I bribed one inmate with braces to give me all he had.
Every day, I'd collect rubber bands and dream about a trampoline.
I could just see myself going over that wall.
Building that box was easy.
But collecting rubber bands? It took me 18 years to get enough.
- How did you keep it a secret? - As I knitted them together I also knitted an afghan to conceal them.
And finally, I finished.
I had a blanket of rubber bands to put on that chest to make a trampoline.
- When did you finish? - January.
- A month prior to your release date? - Yes.
I have to ask the question that's on everybody's mind.
- Or actually I don't, do I? - Why? That's what I said.
Only a month to go.
What good does it do? Forget it.
I did.
And suddenly, part of me just went dead.
Eighteen years of planning towards something.
Wondering if you can do it.
When I went out that night, I said to myself: "Just see.
You don't have to actually go over.
But just see.
" And I kept going up.
I felt like I was flying.
But I couldn't know.
I had to try to go over.
Now, I knew it would be stupid, but I thought I had wings.
My moment was here.
Eighteen years.
The next thing I knew, I was going over the top.
I landed with a huge thud.
I just lay there.
I thought I'd broken all my bones.
But in my mind I've never been more free.
I was free forever.
This is why I get transferred.
I just cry when I hear the defendant's story.
A D.
A.
Shouldn't do this.
Last year I was in juvie.
This boy burned down a neighborhood.
He talked about his abuse.
On cross, I offered to adopt him.
Hayley, look at me.
Please.
- All right.
- She lulls the defense with sympathy.
Then laments the demise of the death penalty.
I forget he knows all my secrets.
- Do you know all of his? - Knickerbockers.
- What? - Nothing.
I don't have any rebuttal witnesses.
So I'll cross, then I'll close.
- Ready? - All set.
A bunch of us are going out to eat tonight.
Come with us.
No talking about the case.
Oh, I'd love to, but I'm in Lamaze tonight.
I'm trying to take it seriously.
It's important.
Do you You're pregnant? Lord, no.
But one day I hope to be.
And when I am who has time to hang around fat cows trying to breathe? - Come with us.
- Maybe I could blow off one class.
Ask for his house? We don't want to end up with an empty bag.
Neither did he.
Kidding.
Attaching real estate means a hearing.
The motion's at 10.
- The judge'll put a lien? - We must show likelihood of victory.
What this will do is kick-start the war.
- It'll make you feel married to him.
- I have second thoughts.
Never trust them.
You'll think forever.
You were gonna take wedding vows with him.
"Death us do part.
" You parted.
What's holding up death? - Why did you do that? - I had a feeling.
I mean, you did.
But I act on feelings, even if they're not my own.
She hops.
She has a briefcase remote.
She takes Lamaze.
- And she's - Say it.
A little kooky.
You never went out? You never asked her out in any other way than a pluton way? Platonic.
- I did once.
- What happened? - Well - What? First, how could you tell? You can tell when I see something.
I can tell what's going on with you.
At the Christmas party, you said I was odd.
But like it was a special thing to be.
It is, sometimes.
Most people look at me like I'm "odd-strange," not "odd-special.
" You were the first person since Hayley to She got me.
I've never laughed with anybody so - So why didn't you ever? - I was afraid that I'd spoil it.
That's not some bell you get to unring.
And I did ask.
One week before the graduation.
I tried to guise it as a joke.
Half-serious, half-joke.
That way, if she wasn't interested, I could lay it off to I told her what a great friendship it was and how I thought, maybe, that we should be a couple.
- She thought it my best joke yet.
- She never knew you weren't joking? - No.
- Then you never really took a chance.
I opened the door.
The door struck me in the nose.
- Even so, you - Well, she met the love of her life.
- And she got married.
- And now she's divorced.
I'm pretty much over Billy.
Ninety-nine point sixty percent.
But I will be over him.
You know what I'll never get over? - Greg? Glenn? - No, no.
The idea that when Billy left I just let him.
So what that my heart got crushed? I protected my ego.
Well, that was me at my most foolish.
And I have set records in that department.
If your feelings are a fraction of what my Oh, John, you've gotta take a chance.
You have to.
- You're gonna bill her - We'll know soon if we're out.
- Your outlook concerns me.
- What? "Nobody's won this kind of case"? You could've said, "Nobody's won this kind of case! " Be a joyful pioneer.
All rise.
Things don't turn on merits.
This is a court.
- Things turn on juries and judges.
- Honorable Judge Cone presiding.
Occasionally, things turn on me.
Perhaps you should be recused.
- Why? - Why? You want me to say in court? My alleged sexual relations with co-counsel doesn't make me impartial.
It was so unremarkable, I barely remember it.
- I don't hang onto trivia.
- You have no bias.
- May I speak, Your Honor? - Given the lunacy of the case, sure.
Verbal spankings leave me wanting more.
- The merits of the case - It has none.
Courts don't protect jilted brides or legislate love.
No-fault divorce exists so that courts needn't finger-point.
They teach that in law school.
One perk of sleeping with judges is you see how law works.
Courts not getting involved in love is nonsense.
I'll assume you use a hair dryer a lot.
Let's spit out the legal arguments then we can spit on each other.
- Counsel in chambers.
Pro forma.
Very common.
You were convicted of robbing a bank 18 years ago? Did you use a weapon to rob it? Yes.
When you took your trampoline out, you did so with the intent to escape? Objection.
She's tricking him into saying he intended something when it was compulsion.
- He had no control.
- He's testifying.
- We should all take moments.
- That is outrageous! - All right! - Unacceptable.
I knew you'd start testifying.
You had to bring up weapons, right? Loves guns.
Next, I'll tell your client my name.
- Oh, very funny.
- That'll get him.
Neither of us want that man to die in jail.
If you believe he should get 12, that's one thing.
But office policy? - The best I can give you is four.
- Thanks.
We said "unacceptable" simultaneously! I'm tickled by your position.
- But perhaps there is some bias here.
- My bias is against the suit.
Though he doesn't add to its credibility.
- Whipper.
- Judge Cone.
Courts delve into marriage.
They enforce prenups - A jilted bride sues a man - It's different, I know.
But don't say courts don't get involved.
When it's child support, courts finger-point.
That is something different.
But they get in there.
Sometimes they stay hands-off but there are no rules.
It's about fairness.
Fairness started palimony suits.
It comes down to the case.
In this case, my client paid for the wedding and was hung out to dry.
The duty of a judge is to right wrongs.
That doesn't change when you've slept with one of the lawyers.
Under that robe, besides a great body, is a good judge.
Act like one.
- Four years? - That is the best we can do.
I think we have to consider it.
No.
If we lose, we Mr.
Cage, I don't expect you to understand this.
But going over that wall was the first thing in my life I truly followed through with.
You followed through with robbing the bank.
Truthfully, I went along with the robbery.
But I hardly I had to go over that wall.
For once in my life I It was fun taking that chance.
I think it's time I took another one.
Ain't had no loving since You know when You know I love you Yes I do And I'm saving all my loving Just for you Our Richard Fish? Georgia said he was good.
He made effective arguments.
- Maybe he really is a lawyer.
- Where is he, anyway? They're in settlement conference, trying to get something.
Will you look at them? Have you ever seen him look so happy? - Maybe it's his smile therapy.
- No.
That's Baby, don't you let your love by me He's really smiling.
There is happiness on that floor.
- I gotta say this again? - You assume I listen.
Money.
I hear that.
Let's speak in numbers.
We'll pay for the wedding.
But emotional distress - May I call you Dick? - I'm George.
Technically, our case stinks.
But why apply logic? - It's a habit.
- Marriage isn't logical.
People, before they're evolved, partner up with compatible soul mates.
Science says physical attraction ends.
You wouldn't buy a car if you had to keep it forever.
Marriage offers the illusion of wonderful ideology.
In the end, stripped down: Give us money.
Could I interrupt? I didn't recuse myself because the claim was baseless my bias would be irrelevant.
But as I considered the atrocities spewing from plaintiff's counsel I must admit, the courts are all over the institution of marriage.
Tort law does seem to be expanding into broken hearts.
Inasmuch as the claim may be colorable, I recuse myself.
Ain't that a shame My tears fell like rain Ain't that a shame I'll see you home.
We could share a cab.
I think about my closing in the cab.
I don't need you there, reading my mind.
Why did we stop talking? Remember school? We used to talk every single day for hours.
Did you hate my husband? What? No! After I got married, I just assumed you didn't like him or something.
You assumed that? Anyway, I expect to be talking all the time again.
There's no reason we can't return to our old glory.
No reason.
See you in court, dough boy.
- Well? - She doesn't want to.
- Did you ask her? - I didn't have to.
It isn't there.
Gotta go.
I just don't get it.
She's sweet.
Yet she's keeping this poor old man in prison.
He robbed a bank and tried to escape.
- I get it.
- You kickbox on dates.
Hayley seems Oh, I don't know.
You ever think about joining a dating service? - You serious? - We hate dating.
The inflatable man's dead.
We never meet men at the bar.
Because we sit at tables.
We gotta sit at the bar.
Syd Sharpie joined.
She gave me her tape.
Her tape? You see the guys on video.
Makes sense to save all that time.
A man must protect his woman.
I sniff my date's food to make sure it's not putrid.
Eggs get washed.
Expiration dates get changed.
I always sniff the girl's eggs.
To not do so would be rude.
I gotta go peel my face.
It seemed almost romantic, didn't it? That trampoline.
The way he went up and up, and then over.
The triumph of the human spirit.
It's easy to look at it that way.
And if you do - Bad jury! Bad! - Objection.
We'll sustain that.
The truth is, I kind of look at it that way too.
He's even a little adorable.
And 72.
It's hard to put him back in jail.
But he broke a law.
As cute as he may be I have a job to do.
And so do you.
He had to go over that wall.
Eighteen years, collecting those rubber bands.
To survive in prison, you need hope.
And for nearly two decades, he fixed all his hope on just one single moment.
And when that moment finally came, how could he not seize it? The thing about hope, many people wish that moment never presents itself.
Because if it does, well, there's a chance the hope could be dashed.
I knew a man who was secretly in love with a woman who was his best friend.
But he never dared tell her, for fear she wouldn't return his feelings.
For fear she'd stop being his best friend.
Also, he never asked her because sometimes the beauty of not knowing Hope lives.
But courage Courage is when the time comes to jump, and you jump.
Courage is knowing you can't not jump.
Somewhere out there is a man with a heart maybe not broken, certainly not content who wishes he'd met Vincent Robbins.
Maybe things would be He would salute Vincent Robbins.
Yes, he would.
This way, you're never eating alone.
If you don't look up, you'd never know he wasn't really there.
There's too much reverb.
It's fixable.
Okay, thank you.
Off you go.
We don't know who'll see the case, but the delay helps us negotiate.
We could survive a motion to dismiss.
Actually, I've decided to drop the suit.
What, why, how? We've just begun.
- I sued for - Redemption, revenge, retainer.
Yes.
Besides all that, I felt sorry for myself, and - What? - My love for him was real.
- My pain was real.
- That's why we're here for you.
Well, listening to you negotiate, the illogic of marriage love is illusory, it's all money.
Suddenly, I don't feel sorry for myself.
I feel sorry for you.
It's my job to caution you toward reason.
You may side with reason.
I don't know.
What I do know? You certainly don't represent me.
She looks so unhappy.
- I think I'll send her a CD.
Maybe - Shut up! You think the cure to loneliness is a compact disk? What, that's your answer? Sorry.
I don't have the answers.
Maybe you could let me in on your secret.
- Boo.
- Oh! Unacceptable.
- I was very moved by your closing.
- Thank you.
That man you knew.
Were you talking about who I think? Yes.
All that time you were in love with me? Only at the very Yes.
You know I loved you too.
But not in maybe the way you mean.
Of course.
Oh, I know that.
You were my best friend.
Seeing you even after years of not talking, it's like we were never apart I'm not asking you for anything.
I valued your friendship and that's why I just didn't want to jeopardize It was a closing argument.
I'm trying to win an acquittal.
Don't read too much into it.
Jury has a verdict.
They're coming in 20.
I should tell my client.
- Lf you'll excuse me.
- Sure.
- What does a fast decision mean? - When we win, it's great.
- And if we lose? - It's terrible.
I can't go back to prison again.
If he says "guilty" I'm gonna run.
Are you with me? - You go ahead.
I'll catch up.
All rise.
- You've reached a verdict? - We have.
What say you? On the charge of attempted escape from a penitentiary we find the defendant, Vincent Robbins not guilty.
- Oh, congratulations.
- There's a rabbit from a hat.
Dismissed.
I gotta find a job.
Well, there are plenty of banks to hit.
Just kidding.
- You beat me, Biscuit.
- Well - Congrats.
- Thank you.
- Hey, lunch tomorrow? - Let me check.
I'll let you know.
Great.
Great.
Congratulations.
- Well? - We won.
- You did? - I should say John won.
- He was the most brilliant.
- Straight "not guilty"? He was fabulous! - Oh, damn it! - What's that about? - I'm here to sign dismissal papers.
- Elaine will help you.
Hey.
- I don't want to talk.
- I understand, but Sometimes I feel better not talking! Talking doesn't always make you feel better! I want to be by myself! Would that be all right with you?! Yes.
Thank you for Thanks.
You're not the judge anymore but there's a few things I'd like to put on record.
First, I realize when people who love each other part no court of law can fix it.
Second, I know it's a slippery slope when you start asking judges to legislate couples.
And third I miss you.
If you don't mind, I'd like to take all of that under advisement.
You stinker!