Batman (1966) s01e22 Episode Script

Batman So far we have seen a peaceful matinee at a fashionable theater.
Stick 'em up! Holy bombshell! The crook caught by the Penguin.
The loot restored and a beautiful rich admirer found.
Can it be? That waddling master of foul play gone straight? Grill that crook.
Make him admit he's a Penguin stooge.
Useless.
The bird won't sing.
In the steam room of the Millionaire's Club an attempted kidnap.
Again foiled by The Penguin and his magic umbrella.
The Penguin set up in business, rival to the dynamic duo.
Alfred, the butler, an undercover agent.
.
caught in the act.
A desperate escape.
The Penguin must be after those priceless jewels.
Bait for a clever Penguin trap.
But Penguin's too clever.
Holy backfire! What a catastrophe! Snap goes The Penguin trap.
Cement filled umbrellas.
Strung up behind a shooting gallery.
Death at the unwitting hands of the police.
Wait.
The wildest is yet to come.
Batman Batman Batman Batman Batman Batman Batman Batman Batman Batman Na-na na-na na-na na-na na-na na-na na Batman 'Now, gentlemen' 'at my instructions.
' 'Ready?' 'Aim.
' Fire! What's so funny, Penguin? Oh, the irony of it.
- The exquisite humor.
- Where's our check? The 1000 bucks for the police benevolent fund.
Yes, with my gratitude, you've earned it.
It's certified.
Holy Hot Foot! The bulletproof soles of our shoes sure saved our lives.
The shock has luckily unjammed my Bat-knife too.
I'll cut these ropes.
We'll get out of here fast.
Unh! You know, it's quite a recoil for a pop gun.
You're right, Chief O'Hara.
I noticed that myself.
Hmm.
Now, let's toss the costume corpses over the pier.
To the sharks with them.
Great blubbering whale oil! They've evaporated! Slugged me when I wasn't lookin'.
Batarangs! Curses! Curses! Now, we'll have to fight another round.
Gosh, Batman! I still think we should've crashed in and caged that bird.
On what charge? Attempted murder.
Commissioner Gordon and Chief O'Hara fired the guns.
Ouch.
Yes.
We're the fugitives.
We are wanted by the law for burglary.
Besides, The Penguin had legally rented that amusement pier.
- We are the trespassers.
- Holy Nightmare! In this game, Penguin holds all the aces.
He may be holding all the aces but tomorrow morning we play the trump card.
Those masked menaces must be apprehended.
I won't stand for it.
A civil tongue, Penguin or I'll have you removed from my office.
A civil tongue, is it? You watch out! I'll have you removed from your office.
What? My influential friends won't like this.
They'll have you thrown back into the department of sanitation where you belong for harboring wanted criminals.
An outrageous accusation.
Open your yap, Penguin.
Make that charge again.
I'm afraid, Penguin's right.
My dear Miss Starr! Do you pretend you can't find these criminals, commissioner? What's the matter, commissioner? Your famous hotline out of order? Penguin, don't touch that phone! - Yes, commissioner.
- Quack, quack! I'm on the track.
- Penguin! - No answer, eh? Hmm? The heat is on, Batman.
You'd better come in.
And give yourself up on that burglary charge.
Instantly.
Do you understand? I'll see you, Penguin.
I'll be at your Protective Agency Office in 25 minutes.
Did you hear that? He's on his way to attack me.
I demand protection.
Penguin is within his rights, Chief O'Hara.
Stake out the area.
Arrest Batman.
Yes, sir.
Get on the mobile Bat-phone.
Call Commissioner Gordon.
Roger.
Give him the following instructions.
Come on, my fine frosty finks.
Batman's on his way.
Rargh! Well, the costumed crooks! The dressed-up desperadoes! Your super brain power has driven us mad, Penguin! Something snapped! 'We don't care if we go up the river for a hundred years.
' - 'We're getting you first!!' - Quick, my finks! Self-defense! The dynamic duo has flipped their wigs! Batman, listen! The police! Let's get out of here.
Surrender, Batman! We're taking you in.
Get 'em, coppers! Oh, frabjous day! Callooh! Callay! Let's bag the Batmobile.
Sensational idea! Come on! Let's see now.
How do you run this dratted thing? I'll call the morgue.
Don't feel too sad, boys.
You had to do it.
There's nothin' so tragic as a good crime fighter turned bad.
In view of their past services, I've given orders that they be buried with full police honors.
Despite the fact they died as fugitive felons? Yes, George, despite that fact.
Nothing can erase the memory of the deeds they performed before theybecame unhinged.
'Tell me, commissioner' 'what do you think brought about this?' Batman and Robin dead? What in the world is going to become of us? Perhaps that's a better question than you realize, madam.
How I wish Bruce and Dick were here.
Maybe they could console me.
I doubt that very much, Mrs.
Cooper.
I doubt it very much.
- Thank you, commissioner.
- Any time, George.
- Hello, chief.
- George.
Uh, for your signature, commissioner.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
It's a requisition slip for the ammo we used getting Batman and Robin on the big gunfight.
Two hundred and ninety seven rounds including Tommy gun and pistol.
- Strange, isn't it? - Isn't what strange? Two hundred and ninety seven rounds of blank ammunition.
You know them blanks cost more than the real ones? Ah! Oh, what a thrill, Pengy darling.
Driving in your Birdmobile through Gotham City on an anti-crime patrol.
Birdmobile? What nerve? By whatever name that tiny TV transmitter we built at back of the fuel gauge is functioning perfectly.
I just hope some foolish felon tries to start-- Look! Isn't that a holdup? Handover that payroll or get ventilated.
Pengy, it is a holdup.
Was a holdup up you mean.
Oh, Pengy, you routed him.
Oh, what a crime fighter.
What a man of action.
Holy mush! I bet your milkshake that so-called holdup Penguin just foiled was another charade.
Gosh, Batman, I think it's time we came back from the grave and nail that brassy bird! Patience, Robin.
Our seeming demise is our trump card.
That and letting him steal the Batmobile.
I'd sure like to try some of the special gimmicks we installed.
Don't worry, Robin.
We'll have time.
Just as soon as The Penguin reveals his plot.
I know it has something to do with Sophia Starr.
Sweet Sophia.
Darling Pengy birdie.
Holy Romeo and Juliet! Sophialook into my eyes.
Will you? Will you? Will you? Oh, yes, Penguin.
Yes, yes.
Oh, yes.
Yeah.
- Solid gold dinner sets.
- Check.
Diamond studded electric can opener.
Check.
- Oil well.
- Check.
Oil well? The deeds in the envelope, stupid.
From the bride's uncle in Texas.
Wow! The guests have come.
- Everything set? - Yeah.
The bomb we placed in the water pipes ought to go off right.
.
Perfect, eh? Good gracious! What happened? Oh, nothing to bother you, my little love.
One of those dratted water pipes seems to have burst.
Luckily, we brought some water buckets and umbrellas too.
Enough for small list of distinguished guests.
Oh, you are fantastic, Penguin.
Is there anything you're not prepared for? I hope not, my sweetmuah.
I hope not.
What? It seems to be rainin' in here? Man the buckets, my good man.
Sure thing, Mr.
Penguin.
it's raining in here.
It's raining in the house.
I've never seen anything like this.
Pass out the emergency umbrellas, Dove.
Right away, Mr.
Penguin.
Hi.
Here you are, folks.
Take your umbrellas.
Oh, he's going to give us umbrellas.
The Penguin and umbrellas? It spells trouble.
Well, sure then I'm glad we're on the guest list.
- Oh.
- Yes.
Oh! How charming and unusual! An indoor wedding in the rain.
All the gifts are on display and we have a charming buffet.
Open your umbrellas.
It's raining heavily in here.
- Yes.
- Watch the bucket.
How do you do? How do you do? Thank you.
Thank you.
Great Scot! The wedding presents.
One of your criminals has done that.
He's taken advantage of this bizarre confusion to steal my dowry.
If you want to see the crook who's behind this look in the mirror.
Mirror, mirror.
Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's the fairest fink of all? Oh! Pengy, they fainted! Well, don't get upset.
We'll get to the bottom of this.
- Eagle-Eye, Dove, come here.
- Yes.
- Let's go.
- Where to, boss? Well, the criminals must be below.
Quick, to the elevator.
We'll apprehend them.
Or we'll die in the attempt.
Yes, yes.
Oh.
Behold! What a criminal cornucopia! - Penguin, you're a genius.
- Of course, I'm a genius.
It's too bad that our two costume clowns aren't here to see my triumph.
Into our Birdmobile.
'We'll fly like the wind to our secret' 'impregnable hideaway.
' On the brilliant bird of mine On the brilliant bird of mine A fortune in wedding gifts and still a bachelor.
What a dastardly twisted plot! That Penguin's some foul bird.
Not only robbing his own wedding, but leaving that trusting girl at the altar.
- Let's go get him, huh? - Right you are, Robin.
Let's see how his course is coming in on the mobile Bat-cycle Bat-scanner.
He's just passing Gotham City limits.
Right, let's go.
A bachelor's life is the life for me Titwillow titwillow titwillow A bachelor's life is the life for me Titwillow Titwillow Titwillow We're gaining, Batman.
Bat-scanner says range 7-4-9-0.
Lucky for us he doesn't know how to actuate the super speed afterburner.
Time to jolt him with our gimmicks, huh? Roger.
We'll start by giving his two stooges a short sweet voyage into space.
Here goes the remote control ejection button.
Eagle-Eye! Dove! Thundering feathers! I must have accidentally hit some dratted button.
Now, for amusing fun with the doors.
Fouled up second hand car I say.
Blazing icebergs! This bird is beginning to fly here! Come here, you black raven.
.
Look.
Look at him, Robin.
That crooked bird is going crazy.
Be careful, Batman.
We don't want him to smash up the Batmobile.
Good point, Robin.
I'll take over the steering now by remote control.
Great meltin' icebergs! This beast seems out of my control.
Watch the range now.
Hold tight, Penguin.
Emergency turn coming up.
Forget the scenic route, you black vulture.
Just get me back on the main road.
Look, Batman, Penguin's ugly guts.
Let's rack 'em up, huh? You see what I see, Dove.
What is it, Eagle-Eye? I see ghosts on a Bat-cycle! Ghosts, huh? I don't think you crooks have the right spirit! The Batmobile.
Let's get the controls.
Back from the grave, you tricksters, eh? Back to send you on a honeymoon cruise, Penguin.
Up the river to the pen! - Gone straight, huh? - We'll straighten you out! - Case closed, Batman? - Yes, except for one detail.
- What's that? - The Batmobile.
We'll have to have it fumigated.
Here you are, Miss Starr.
All the stolen gifts recovered.
I wonder.
What Miss Starr? The love and affection I'd provide.
It might be just the thing that would turn him into an honest, law-abiding citizen.
Great scot, Miss Starr! You'd still consider becoming that crooked bird's wife? Why not? I'd make him a nest where he'd feel warm and protected and loved.
It's a challenge to quicken any woman's heart.
Officer, bring in Penguin.
Oh, my dear, Pengy.
- My poor little sick bird.
- It was mine.
I tell you it was all in my grip.
This was my oil well.
And this is my solid gold dinner silver.
And this was my diamond-studded can opener.
You greedy bird! Have you no conscience? This woman loves you.
She's still willing to marry you.
Who, me? The Penguin? Married and kept in a bathtub? I love you, Pengy.
I'd try very hard to reform you.
Great heavenly ice floats! Take me to prison! Next week, return match with the Riddler.
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