Better With You s01e22 Episode Script
Better with the Baby
- Hello? - Oh my God, it's happening.
The contractions.
They started.
They're so painful.
You could never handle this.
You're weak.
You are nothing! Ohh.
(High-pitched voice) Ohh.
I got this.
(Panting) Hey, Maddie.
That was Mia, by the way.
The contractions have started.
We are on our way to the hospital, but they said it could take a long time, like six hours or more, so don't come down just yet, all right? (Whimpers) We'll call you when it's time, okay? Of course.
We won't come to the hospital until we hear from you.
St.
Matthew's hospital, as fast as you can drive! Well, safely! Safely.
As fast as you can safely drive.
(Chuckles) We die right when the baby's born? No.
No.
One of my biggest fears is dying ironically.
Oh, for God sake, Joel, can we please just catch a cab? Why would we? They said it could take up to six hours.
We can walk there in an hour and a half easily.
Come on.
Let's move, woman.
Well, you go on.
I have got to rest a second.
I'll catch up.
(Gasps) (Brakes squeal) St.
Matthew's hospital, and there is an extra $20 in it for you if you puddle-splash that cheap bald guy.
(Man) I don't know where I'd be without someone to see this thing through I am such a mess even at my best I'm better with you (sighs) Yes! I knew we'd beat them here.
My shortcut works every time! Oh.
You beat in a woman in labor to the hospital.
Congratulations.
This is so exciting.
At the end of the day, I'm gonna be aunt Maddie, and you're gonna be unc-- Well, I guess since we're not married, you'll still just be Ben.
What? (Scoffs) He can still call me uncle Ben.
Although after a while, I'm sure we'll shorten it to just "b.
" Or b-man or b-dog or (Gasps) B-money! Well, I don't think she's gonna give birth to a rapper from the late '90s.
We don't know that.
Oh! Where's Mia? Is she here? Did she have the baby? They're not here yet.
We beat them! (Chuckles) Okay.
Okay, there is no record.
Yes, there is.
Since I lost my job, I've been keeping track of things I win.
It helps my self-esteem.
Okay.
You need to find a career fast.
Here we go, baby.
(Maddie) Oh, here they are! What are you guys doing here? I told you to wait until we called.
Oh, you can still call us.
We have our cell phones.
No cell phone use in the lobby.
(Chuckles) Oh, so it's a good thing we're here then.
Hi.
Um, I called a few minutes ago.
Name.
Uh, Mia Putney.
(Chuckles) Husband's name.
Oh, uh, we're actually not married.
"Father unknown.
" I am the father, okay? (Chuckles) I did this.
This is my happy accident.
(Chuckles) Yeah, we're-- We're getting married, but, uh, well, we don't actually have a date yet, but soon.
(Chuckles) Sure, honey.
We're getting married.
You'll see, okay? What's your name? Um "Arletta.
" Yeah.
You're invited to the wedding.
Casey, get her address.
Uh, okay.
"Ar letta.
" Uh "Hospital.
" Okay.
Do you want chicken or fish? (Lowered voice) I think she's vegan.
Hi, guys! We need a wheelchair out here! Describe your chest pains to me.
Chest pains? I-I'm not having any chest pains.
You didn't just have a heart attack? No.
I-I'm fine.
What? (Laughs) So this is what you look like when you're fine? Well, I'll take the wheelchair.
Ohh.
That is nice.
I'm going for coffee.
(Whimpering and panting) Breathe.
Ohh.
Ooh! Just breathe through it.
You're doing great.
That breathing crap doesn't work at all, does it? (Strained voice) Not even a little bit.
Ooh.
Okay.
Everything's looking good.
Oh, yeah, um, and you're sure that the only two ways to get him out of here are by cutting my stomach open and that other way that (Whispers) I still can't believe is gonna work? Oh, no, honey.
Honey, I was nervous about the same thing, but don't worry.
It doesn't even have fingernails or teeth yet.
(Door opens) Okay! I'm here! I'm gonna hold your hand through this whole thing.
(Chuckles) I can't believe my sister's having a baby.
I am never gonna leave your side.
Oh, no.
You don't have to worry about that.
They said it's gonna be a while.
Plus, I have Casey, so you don't have to worry-- That's great, because look what I found.
It's a list of every patient on the floor and their jobs.
This is gonna help me figure out what I'm gonna do for the rest of my life.
Where did you get that? It was at the nurses' station.
I'm in the middle of searching for a new career, so this hospital is the perfect place to be.
It's like a smorgasbord of job ideas! Look, I can talk to a hedge fund manager who's having bunion surgery or a chef who has pneumonia (Gasps) And a meteorologist Who fell off a ladder.
Mm.
That's too bad.
Lightning would've been hilarious.
(Chuckles) Maybe a good job for you would be someone who puts things back that they stole from the nurses' station.
Oh.
(Chuckles) I'm gonna get to work.
Text me when the head starts to pop out.
It doesn't just pop out, does it? Pretty much everything on your body pops out except that.
And it never pops back in.
(Inhales deeply and sighs) I gotta say, uncle Ben is really excited about meeting his nephew.
Do you really want him to call you "uncle" even though you're technically not? I agree.
These fake uncles-- They always end up in jail.
Or they come to your house every day after your dad goes to work and disappear upstairs with your mom.
Then they give you a dollar to not tell your dad.
Whole thing's just weird.
I knew being in the birthing room would be gross, but I did not see that coming.
(Sighs) (Gasps) Ooh! So I've ruled out dentist and magazine editor, but you know what sounds promising? Golf course designer.
The guy I spoke to said it's basically put grass here, put sand there, and shove a flag there.
He was on a lot of drugs, but it sounded fun.
Okay, we're getting close.
Now when we get down to it Oh.
Everybody's gonna have to leave except the husband-- I mean, the father.
I'm sorry.
I keep doing that.
(Chuckles) (Sighs) No, no, no.
That's okay.
They were going to get married.
They had it all planned, but she was worried about the dress, and she wanted to be able to drink champagne and eat sushi.
Oh.
I really said that? Uh, pretty much.
Wow.
When you say it back to me, it sounds really superficial.
No.
It wasn't superficial.
You also said you didn't want to look fat in the pictures.
So when our baby is born, and he asks why we weren't married, I'm gonna tell him that I-I didn't like my dress and I wanted to drink? God.
I'm a horrible person.
I'm a horrible mother.
I don't want to be a bad mother.
Whoa.
What are you saying? Change of plans.
I want to get married before this baby comes.
What? Yeah.
Yeah, we could have the ceremony right here, right now, in this room.
Honey, aw, that's crazy talk (Chuckles) But that's normal.
You should've heard some of the things I said when I was in labor.
It was like the last scene of "the exorcist.
" I spoke in Latin for a full 20 minutes.
I was getting my hair cut, but I heard it was nuts.
You want to get married right now? That's impossible.
There's no time for-- No.
If Mia wants to have a wedding right now, she's gonna have a wedding right now.
(Chuckles) I love you, and I will do anything for you.
You are the sweetest, most thoughtful, and craziest person I have ever met in my whole life.
I love you.
I want to be with you forever.
(Chuckles) Will you marry me You pie-faced son of a bitch! (Strained voice) Sorry! Contraction! Ohh! (Panting and whimpering) Uh, guys, we are gonna have to work fast.
Except for you, little buddy.
You gotta move slow.
Move away from the light.
Uh, there has gotta be someone around here who can marry us.
Oh, well, hey, uh, I-I can marry you.
As a hotel manager, I am a registered officiant.
Ohh.
Uh, sorry, Ben, I don't want you to marry us.
Well, why not? I'd do a great job.
I mean, granted, I'm starting to feel a little stage fright, but if we did it real quick-- You can't marry us because I want you to be my best man.
Really? (Chuckles) I'd be honored.
Dude, you just got me right here.
You know, I think our relationship Is, uh, being ruined by what I'm doing right now.
Please don't take this away.
You know-- Ooh.
I know who can marry you.
There's a judge two rooms down.
I'll get him to come in.
I just have to grab him before he hits his panic button.
Ohh.
Hey! Where'd you get that patient list? I brought it from home.
Okay, you are going to need something old, something new Ohh.
Something borrowed, something blue.
We will take care of that.
I don't think we have time for all that.
No, I want it! I want a real wedding! And I'm so sorry that I'm yelling at you, but this really hurts! I love you so much! I love you, too! Sorry.
I tend to match people's energies.
(Strained voice) Ooh.
Yeah.
Oh! Th-there's a gift shop downstairs.
I'll bet we can get most of it there.
Oh, thank God this child isn't gonna be a bastard.
What? We're all thinking it.
Wait.
Uh, this'll just take a second.
Well, where are you taking me? Th-this isn't radiology.
Wait.
Wait a minute.
Is plainclothes nurse even a real thing? (Sighs) I gotta level with you.
You're here 'cause we need a favor.
Oh.
Everyone, this is judge Daniel holden.
He is a (Gasps) 20-plus-year judge (Sighs) Of the district court.
He's also getting a stent put in today.
Oh.
Hello.
How are ya? I'm about to have a baby, and, um, I don't want to have it unless I'm married.
I-I didn't think it mattered, but it turns out that it does, but we just really want-- Oh, God! Ohh.
(Panting) We want our baby to come into the world the son of married parents.
Whew.
We don't have a lot of time.
You're our last hope.
Ohh.
Would you be able to marry us right here, right now? Have you got a marriage license? No, but in high school, I was great at making fake I.
D.
S.
Ohh.
My name was Eric Wonderhose.
(Chuckles) Ah.
Well, I'm going to assume that happened in another state.
(Sighs) Uh, but you need a license.
It's okay, because there's a courthouse three blocks away.
How much time do we have? Well, 45 minutes, tops.
I know that courthouse.
I fought a jaywalking situation.
It's been expunged.
Let's go! Okay.
Don't worry, baby.
We will be right back.
Hold it in.
Okay.
Aah! Aah! And I will tell the nurse about that.
Oh, man.
Look at this.
We don't have time to stand in this line.
Uh, it's all right.
I got this.
Hey, buddy.
I gotta cut in front of you.
My fiancée's giving birth, like, right now.
I've been in this line for half an hour, so no.
Hey, my fiancée-- Yeah, I heard.
No.
(Sighs) Can I cut in front of you? My fiancée is g-- (Spanish accent) Eh, no hablo inglés.
(Drops accent) Sorry, bro.
We're just gonna stand in this line now? This is a complete waste of time.
(Sighs) Hey.
(Whispers) Casey.
You see that woman? Yeah.
Okay.
Stare at her for, like, a minute.
Why? (Normal voice) That's your bachelor party, buddy.
(Slaps back) Okay.
Okay.
We got the something borrowed.
Thank God that woman loaned us her necklace.
(Chuckles) Thank God she didn't wake up from her coma when we took it from her room.
Okay.
Here.
Here's some earrings with her birthstone.
How about that for the something new? Whoa.
Whoa.
The saying isn't "something old, something $95.
" Just get her something cheap.
(Clatters) Well, she's got you.
Does that count? I don't know what to do with the something blue.
I know.
My friend Barry-- His business card has a little bit of blue on it.
No, Joel.
It can't just be anything blue.
It has to have meaning.
Oh, so I guess being the third-highest seller of quality mattresses in Southern new Jersey doesn't mean anything.
It just needs to have significance.
You know, to be honest, I just don't understand this whole "something borrowed, something blue" tradition.
Yeah, I know.
I learned that at our wedding.
Oh, come on.
Please.
Don't bring that old argument up again.
I'm sorry.
It still hurts.
For five generations, every bride in my family walked down the aisle carrying that blue handkerchief, and then you throw it out the night before our wedding.
I didn't know what it was, and to be fair, if I'd known it had 80 years' worth of your family's snot on it, I probably still would've thrown it away.
Just let me know when you're having another contraction.
I'm right here to help.
Thank you, Maddie.
Oh, and the couple next door having the natural, holistic water birth asked if you could keep the profanity to a minimum.
(Chuckles) Yeah.
Well, you can tell them to go to-- Ice chips! Oh, God.
Okay, that's another contraction.
I think it's time to bring the doctor in.
No! (Spits) Casey isn't here yet.
That wasn't a contraction.
And neither is (High-pitched voice) This! (Strained voice) Ooh.
Ohh.
Mnh.
The machine tells me when you're having a contraction.
Mm.
Oh.
Yeah? Well, who are you gonna believe, huh? The machine or me?! God! Call Casey and Ben.
Find out how close they are.
I'm totally fooling this Dumbass nurse! (Panting) Ooh.
Casey! I just talked to Maddie.
The baby is coming now.
We can't keep waiting in line.
You're right.
Uh, excuse me.
Excuse me! (High-pitched voice) Hey, let's all listen to this guy.
Uh, I-I know everyone thinks that they have a good reason for being here, but no one has a better reason than me.
Mine is love and seeing my baby come into the world, which could happen any minute now, so, please, could somebody help me out? You can get in front of me.
Ohh! Little boy, thank you so much.
If you ever need a fake I.
D I-I'm 22.
Well, you will be if you call me.
Anyone else? What about you? Why are you here? To fight a parking ticket.
Seriously? A parking ticket? You have a car in New York City? Take the subway, princess.
What about you? We're here for a building permit.
Okay, well, they don't even do that here, so you're in the wrong place anyway.
Out! Out! Excuse me.
Why are you here? To report elder abuse at a nursing home.
Oh.
Okay.
Yeah.
Then we will just go after you.
We got it all! (Chuckles) That's your something new.
And that's also a baby gift, FYI.
How are you feeling? Oh, yeah, I think the contractions have slowed down a little bit.
(Gasps) Whoa.
Oh.
That was a yawn.
(Chuckles) That's it.
You need to start pushing.
We got the license! (Maddie and Joel) Oh! And we know where not to live when we get old.
Oh, okay.
So we have-- We have the something old, something borrowed, something blue.
It's not a very meaningful something blue, unfortunately, so it's a surgical glove.
Wha Because, you know, your father threw away my grandmother's handkerchief.
You know, can we please just drop this already? Look, all I am saying is that all the women in my family except me got married with that hankie (Voice breaks) And I just wanted Mia to have it to bring her luck.
(Sighs) You know what, Vicky? I'm glad I threw that handkerchief away.
You know why? Because if we did have it, something might have been different.
We've had 36 years together, and I wouldn't want to change one thing! You make me smile every day, and if you wish something were different, then tough crap, because you're stuck with a guy who wouldn't change anything, even if he could! Joel That is the sweetest thing anyone has ever yelled at me.
You're right.
I'm sorry.
I wouldn't change a thing, either.
(Chuckles) (Chuckles) I love you.
Aw.
Let's do this.
Ben, come stand by me.
Maddie, you are next to Mia.
Oh! Wait, wait, wait.
I almost forgot.
I made us bouquets.
Ohh.
What is this? Oh, well, you can't hold a bouquet of flowers, 'cause they're not sterile, so I crumpled up some wrapping paper and taped it to a tongue depressor.
(Chuckles) Why is yours bigger than mine? It just worked out that way.
Okay, let's start.
Well, I've never done one of these before, so how do I begin? Oh, well, typically I begin by giving a short history of the hotel, but, you know, I don't think we have time for that now.
Do-- Do we? Hmm? Unless you want a tiny, naked guest at your wedding, I'd suggest you do this right now.
Okay, uh, vows come next.
Okay, I'll go first.
Mia, when we first met-- Oh, God! Okay.
I will just e-mail that speech to you later.
(Panting) Ohh.
Ooh.
Okay, next comes the "till death do us part" stuff.
Here.
I googled it.
Just read that.
Oh.
Oh, thank you.
All right.
"Casey, do you take Mia to be your lawfully wedded wife, to have and hold, and--" How do I scroll down? Oh.
It's a touch screen.
Use your finger.
What? Oh, that's neat! When did they come up with this? Actually it was introduced four years ago-- Nerds! Oh.
Okay.
Ohh.
Ooh.
All right.
"Casey, do you take Mia, for richer, for poorer, "in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish as long as you both shall live? " I do.
(Chuckles) "Do you, Mia, take Casey to be your lawfully wedded--" Get to the end! Uh, d-do you want to marry him? (Grunts) Ohh! Was that a "yes"? Kinda sounded like a "no.
" Can I just say "I do" for her? Well, you could, but then you'd be married to Casey.
Oh, look who wants to say "I do" all of a sudden.
(Strained voice) I do! I do.
I-I do.
It's time.
I'm gonna have to ask everybody but the father to leave now.
Wait! By the power vested in me by the state of New York, I now pronounce you husband and wife.
Ohh.
You may kiss the bride.
(Laughs) (Sighs) It's been a while.
How long do these things take? About a haircut and a giants game.
(Door opens) Well? There is someone who would like to meet his grandma, his grandpa, his aunt, and his uncle b-money.
(Mia and Vicky chuckle) Are you crying? (Voice breaks) I've-- I've just been trying to get that going since junior high.
Oh.
Look how cute he is.
(Chuckles) Aw.
(Chuckles) Hi there.
Hey, pal.
(Lowered voice) So what's his name? Everybody, we'd like you to meet Charlie.
Uh, Casey, what are you talking about? We decided on "Spencer" months ago.
Well, I know, but he's not a Spencer.
He's a Charlie.
Look at him.
He's your little buddy Charlie.
Hey, Charlie, wanna go grab a pizza? (High-pitched voice) Yeah, man.
That sounds great.
(Laughter) No, Casey, we decided on "Spencer," okay? We made a decision.
We can't change it.
Oh, my God.
(Chuckles) He is a Charlie.
I wanna get pizza with you, too.
(Chuckles) And chicken wings.
Chicken wings? (Chuckles) He's not a Paul.
Yeah.
Can I, uh Can I hold him? Oh, yeah, sure.
(Chuckles) Ohh.
(Chuckles) Hi, Charlie.
I love you already.
(Chuckles) (Chuckles) Oh! Check out that grip.
(Chuckles) I think we're looking at a future yankee.
(Chuckles) Mom? Mm.
(Chuckles) (Chuckles) I'm coming to every game.
(Gasps) (High-pitched voice) Hi, Charlie.
(Chuckles) (Sniffs, lowered voice) Mmm.
Wow.
You smell good.
Ben? (Whispers) Yeah.
I think I just figured it out.
I don't need a new career.
I just need one of these.
Okay.
(Chuckles) Ohh.
He's waking up.
(Chuckles) Hey, Charlie.
Think he understands us? All the books say they understand everything.
Hmm.
Blah, blah, blah.
(Chuckles) Blah, blah, blah.
Blah, blah.
Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
Blah.
Blah, blah, blah.
(Chuckles) Mm.
Blah, blah, blah.
(Chuckles) Blah, blah, blah, blah (High-pitched voice) Blah, blah, blah! (Normal voice) Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah? (Gasps) Mm.
(Chuckles and gasps) Ohh.
Mm-hmm.
(Chuckles) Oh! Blah, blah, blah, blah.
Blah, blah, blah.
Blah, blah.
(Chuckles) (Both) Oh! Blah! Blah, blah.
Blah, blah, blah.
(Chuckles) (Nasal voice) Blech.
Blah, blah, blah.
Blah, blah, blah.
(Both) Blah!
The contractions.
They started.
They're so painful.
You could never handle this.
You're weak.
You are nothing! Ohh.
(High-pitched voice) Ohh.
I got this.
(Panting) Hey, Maddie.
That was Mia, by the way.
The contractions have started.
We are on our way to the hospital, but they said it could take a long time, like six hours or more, so don't come down just yet, all right? (Whimpers) We'll call you when it's time, okay? Of course.
We won't come to the hospital until we hear from you.
St.
Matthew's hospital, as fast as you can drive! Well, safely! Safely.
As fast as you can safely drive.
(Chuckles) We die right when the baby's born? No.
No.
One of my biggest fears is dying ironically.
Oh, for God sake, Joel, can we please just catch a cab? Why would we? They said it could take up to six hours.
We can walk there in an hour and a half easily.
Come on.
Let's move, woman.
Well, you go on.
I have got to rest a second.
I'll catch up.
(Gasps) (Brakes squeal) St.
Matthew's hospital, and there is an extra $20 in it for you if you puddle-splash that cheap bald guy.
(Man) I don't know where I'd be without someone to see this thing through I am such a mess even at my best I'm better with you (sighs) Yes! I knew we'd beat them here.
My shortcut works every time! Oh.
You beat in a woman in labor to the hospital.
Congratulations.
This is so exciting.
At the end of the day, I'm gonna be aunt Maddie, and you're gonna be unc-- Well, I guess since we're not married, you'll still just be Ben.
What? (Scoffs) He can still call me uncle Ben.
Although after a while, I'm sure we'll shorten it to just "b.
" Or b-man or b-dog or (Gasps) B-money! Well, I don't think she's gonna give birth to a rapper from the late '90s.
We don't know that.
Oh! Where's Mia? Is she here? Did she have the baby? They're not here yet.
We beat them! (Chuckles) Okay.
Okay, there is no record.
Yes, there is.
Since I lost my job, I've been keeping track of things I win.
It helps my self-esteem.
Okay.
You need to find a career fast.
Here we go, baby.
(Maddie) Oh, here they are! What are you guys doing here? I told you to wait until we called.
Oh, you can still call us.
We have our cell phones.
No cell phone use in the lobby.
(Chuckles) Oh, so it's a good thing we're here then.
Hi.
Um, I called a few minutes ago.
Name.
Uh, Mia Putney.
(Chuckles) Husband's name.
Oh, uh, we're actually not married.
"Father unknown.
" I am the father, okay? (Chuckles) I did this.
This is my happy accident.
(Chuckles) Yeah, we're-- We're getting married, but, uh, well, we don't actually have a date yet, but soon.
(Chuckles) Sure, honey.
We're getting married.
You'll see, okay? What's your name? Um "Arletta.
" Yeah.
You're invited to the wedding.
Casey, get her address.
Uh, okay.
"Ar letta.
" Uh "Hospital.
" Okay.
Do you want chicken or fish? (Lowered voice) I think she's vegan.
Hi, guys! We need a wheelchair out here! Describe your chest pains to me.
Chest pains? I-I'm not having any chest pains.
You didn't just have a heart attack? No.
I-I'm fine.
What? (Laughs) So this is what you look like when you're fine? Well, I'll take the wheelchair.
Ohh.
That is nice.
I'm going for coffee.
(Whimpering and panting) Breathe.
Ohh.
Ooh! Just breathe through it.
You're doing great.
That breathing crap doesn't work at all, does it? (Strained voice) Not even a little bit.
Ooh.
Okay.
Everything's looking good.
Oh, yeah, um, and you're sure that the only two ways to get him out of here are by cutting my stomach open and that other way that (Whispers) I still can't believe is gonna work? Oh, no, honey.
Honey, I was nervous about the same thing, but don't worry.
It doesn't even have fingernails or teeth yet.
(Door opens) Okay! I'm here! I'm gonna hold your hand through this whole thing.
(Chuckles) I can't believe my sister's having a baby.
I am never gonna leave your side.
Oh, no.
You don't have to worry about that.
They said it's gonna be a while.
Plus, I have Casey, so you don't have to worry-- That's great, because look what I found.
It's a list of every patient on the floor and their jobs.
This is gonna help me figure out what I'm gonna do for the rest of my life.
Where did you get that? It was at the nurses' station.
I'm in the middle of searching for a new career, so this hospital is the perfect place to be.
It's like a smorgasbord of job ideas! Look, I can talk to a hedge fund manager who's having bunion surgery or a chef who has pneumonia (Gasps) And a meteorologist Who fell off a ladder.
Mm.
That's too bad.
Lightning would've been hilarious.
(Chuckles) Maybe a good job for you would be someone who puts things back that they stole from the nurses' station.
Oh.
(Chuckles) I'm gonna get to work.
Text me when the head starts to pop out.
It doesn't just pop out, does it? Pretty much everything on your body pops out except that.
And it never pops back in.
(Inhales deeply and sighs) I gotta say, uncle Ben is really excited about meeting his nephew.
Do you really want him to call you "uncle" even though you're technically not? I agree.
These fake uncles-- They always end up in jail.
Or they come to your house every day after your dad goes to work and disappear upstairs with your mom.
Then they give you a dollar to not tell your dad.
Whole thing's just weird.
I knew being in the birthing room would be gross, but I did not see that coming.
(Sighs) (Gasps) Ooh! So I've ruled out dentist and magazine editor, but you know what sounds promising? Golf course designer.
The guy I spoke to said it's basically put grass here, put sand there, and shove a flag there.
He was on a lot of drugs, but it sounded fun.
Okay, we're getting close.
Now when we get down to it Oh.
Everybody's gonna have to leave except the husband-- I mean, the father.
I'm sorry.
I keep doing that.
(Chuckles) (Sighs) No, no, no.
That's okay.
They were going to get married.
They had it all planned, but she was worried about the dress, and she wanted to be able to drink champagne and eat sushi.
Oh.
I really said that? Uh, pretty much.
Wow.
When you say it back to me, it sounds really superficial.
No.
It wasn't superficial.
You also said you didn't want to look fat in the pictures.
So when our baby is born, and he asks why we weren't married, I'm gonna tell him that I-I didn't like my dress and I wanted to drink? God.
I'm a horrible person.
I'm a horrible mother.
I don't want to be a bad mother.
Whoa.
What are you saying? Change of plans.
I want to get married before this baby comes.
What? Yeah.
Yeah, we could have the ceremony right here, right now, in this room.
Honey, aw, that's crazy talk (Chuckles) But that's normal.
You should've heard some of the things I said when I was in labor.
It was like the last scene of "the exorcist.
" I spoke in Latin for a full 20 minutes.
I was getting my hair cut, but I heard it was nuts.
You want to get married right now? That's impossible.
There's no time for-- No.
If Mia wants to have a wedding right now, she's gonna have a wedding right now.
(Chuckles) I love you, and I will do anything for you.
You are the sweetest, most thoughtful, and craziest person I have ever met in my whole life.
I love you.
I want to be with you forever.
(Chuckles) Will you marry me You pie-faced son of a bitch! (Strained voice) Sorry! Contraction! Ohh! (Panting and whimpering) Uh, guys, we are gonna have to work fast.
Except for you, little buddy.
You gotta move slow.
Move away from the light.
Uh, there has gotta be someone around here who can marry us.
Oh, well, hey, uh, I-I can marry you.
As a hotel manager, I am a registered officiant.
Ohh.
Uh, sorry, Ben, I don't want you to marry us.
Well, why not? I'd do a great job.
I mean, granted, I'm starting to feel a little stage fright, but if we did it real quick-- You can't marry us because I want you to be my best man.
Really? (Chuckles) I'd be honored.
Dude, you just got me right here.
You know, I think our relationship Is, uh, being ruined by what I'm doing right now.
Please don't take this away.
You know-- Ooh.
I know who can marry you.
There's a judge two rooms down.
I'll get him to come in.
I just have to grab him before he hits his panic button.
Ohh.
Hey! Where'd you get that patient list? I brought it from home.
Okay, you are going to need something old, something new Ohh.
Something borrowed, something blue.
We will take care of that.
I don't think we have time for all that.
No, I want it! I want a real wedding! And I'm so sorry that I'm yelling at you, but this really hurts! I love you so much! I love you, too! Sorry.
I tend to match people's energies.
(Strained voice) Ooh.
Yeah.
Oh! Th-there's a gift shop downstairs.
I'll bet we can get most of it there.
Oh, thank God this child isn't gonna be a bastard.
What? We're all thinking it.
Wait.
Uh, this'll just take a second.
Well, where are you taking me? Th-this isn't radiology.
Wait.
Wait a minute.
Is plainclothes nurse even a real thing? (Sighs) I gotta level with you.
You're here 'cause we need a favor.
Oh.
Everyone, this is judge Daniel holden.
He is a (Gasps) 20-plus-year judge (Sighs) Of the district court.
He's also getting a stent put in today.
Oh.
Hello.
How are ya? I'm about to have a baby, and, um, I don't want to have it unless I'm married.
I-I didn't think it mattered, but it turns out that it does, but we just really want-- Oh, God! Ohh.
(Panting) We want our baby to come into the world the son of married parents.
Whew.
We don't have a lot of time.
You're our last hope.
Ohh.
Would you be able to marry us right here, right now? Have you got a marriage license? No, but in high school, I was great at making fake I.
D.
S.
Ohh.
My name was Eric Wonderhose.
(Chuckles) Ah.
Well, I'm going to assume that happened in another state.
(Sighs) Uh, but you need a license.
It's okay, because there's a courthouse three blocks away.
How much time do we have? Well, 45 minutes, tops.
I know that courthouse.
I fought a jaywalking situation.
It's been expunged.
Let's go! Okay.
Don't worry, baby.
We will be right back.
Hold it in.
Okay.
Aah! Aah! And I will tell the nurse about that.
Oh, man.
Look at this.
We don't have time to stand in this line.
Uh, it's all right.
I got this.
Hey, buddy.
I gotta cut in front of you.
My fiancée's giving birth, like, right now.
I've been in this line for half an hour, so no.
Hey, my fiancée-- Yeah, I heard.
No.
(Sighs) Can I cut in front of you? My fiancée is g-- (Spanish accent) Eh, no hablo inglés.
(Drops accent) Sorry, bro.
We're just gonna stand in this line now? This is a complete waste of time.
(Sighs) Hey.
(Whispers) Casey.
You see that woman? Yeah.
Okay.
Stare at her for, like, a minute.
Why? (Normal voice) That's your bachelor party, buddy.
(Slaps back) Okay.
Okay.
We got the something borrowed.
Thank God that woman loaned us her necklace.
(Chuckles) Thank God she didn't wake up from her coma when we took it from her room.
Okay.
Here.
Here's some earrings with her birthstone.
How about that for the something new? Whoa.
Whoa.
The saying isn't "something old, something $95.
" Just get her something cheap.
(Clatters) Well, she's got you.
Does that count? I don't know what to do with the something blue.
I know.
My friend Barry-- His business card has a little bit of blue on it.
No, Joel.
It can't just be anything blue.
It has to have meaning.
Oh, so I guess being the third-highest seller of quality mattresses in Southern new Jersey doesn't mean anything.
It just needs to have significance.
You know, to be honest, I just don't understand this whole "something borrowed, something blue" tradition.
Yeah, I know.
I learned that at our wedding.
Oh, come on.
Please.
Don't bring that old argument up again.
I'm sorry.
It still hurts.
For five generations, every bride in my family walked down the aisle carrying that blue handkerchief, and then you throw it out the night before our wedding.
I didn't know what it was, and to be fair, if I'd known it had 80 years' worth of your family's snot on it, I probably still would've thrown it away.
Just let me know when you're having another contraction.
I'm right here to help.
Thank you, Maddie.
Oh, and the couple next door having the natural, holistic water birth asked if you could keep the profanity to a minimum.
(Chuckles) Yeah.
Well, you can tell them to go to-- Ice chips! Oh, God.
Okay, that's another contraction.
I think it's time to bring the doctor in.
No! (Spits) Casey isn't here yet.
That wasn't a contraction.
And neither is (High-pitched voice) This! (Strained voice) Ooh.
Ohh.
Mnh.
The machine tells me when you're having a contraction.
Mm.
Oh.
Yeah? Well, who are you gonna believe, huh? The machine or me?! God! Call Casey and Ben.
Find out how close they are.
I'm totally fooling this Dumbass nurse! (Panting) Ooh.
Casey! I just talked to Maddie.
The baby is coming now.
We can't keep waiting in line.
You're right.
Uh, excuse me.
Excuse me! (High-pitched voice) Hey, let's all listen to this guy.
Uh, I-I know everyone thinks that they have a good reason for being here, but no one has a better reason than me.
Mine is love and seeing my baby come into the world, which could happen any minute now, so, please, could somebody help me out? You can get in front of me.
Ohh! Little boy, thank you so much.
If you ever need a fake I.
D I-I'm 22.
Well, you will be if you call me.
Anyone else? What about you? Why are you here? To fight a parking ticket.
Seriously? A parking ticket? You have a car in New York City? Take the subway, princess.
What about you? We're here for a building permit.
Okay, well, they don't even do that here, so you're in the wrong place anyway.
Out! Out! Excuse me.
Why are you here? To report elder abuse at a nursing home.
Oh.
Okay.
Yeah.
Then we will just go after you.
We got it all! (Chuckles) That's your something new.
And that's also a baby gift, FYI.
How are you feeling? Oh, yeah, I think the contractions have slowed down a little bit.
(Gasps) Whoa.
Oh.
That was a yawn.
(Chuckles) That's it.
You need to start pushing.
We got the license! (Maddie and Joel) Oh! And we know where not to live when we get old.
Oh, okay.
So we have-- We have the something old, something borrowed, something blue.
It's not a very meaningful something blue, unfortunately, so it's a surgical glove.
Wha Because, you know, your father threw away my grandmother's handkerchief.
You know, can we please just drop this already? Look, all I am saying is that all the women in my family except me got married with that hankie (Voice breaks) And I just wanted Mia to have it to bring her luck.
(Sighs) You know what, Vicky? I'm glad I threw that handkerchief away.
You know why? Because if we did have it, something might have been different.
We've had 36 years together, and I wouldn't want to change one thing! You make me smile every day, and if you wish something were different, then tough crap, because you're stuck with a guy who wouldn't change anything, even if he could! Joel That is the sweetest thing anyone has ever yelled at me.
You're right.
I'm sorry.
I wouldn't change a thing, either.
(Chuckles) (Chuckles) I love you.
Aw.
Let's do this.
Ben, come stand by me.
Maddie, you are next to Mia.
Oh! Wait, wait, wait.
I almost forgot.
I made us bouquets.
Ohh.
What is this? Oh, well, you can't hold a bouquet of flowers, 'cause they're not sterile, so I crumpled up some wrapping paper and taped it to a tongue depressor.
(Chuckles) Why is yours bigger than mine? It just worked out that way.
Okay, let's start.
Well, I've never done one of these before, so how do I begin? Oh, well, typically I begin by giving a short history of the hotel, but, you know, I don't think we have time for that now.
Do-- Do we? Hmm? Unless you want a tiny, naked guest at your wedding, I'd suggest you do this right now.
Okay, uh, vows come next.
Okay, I'll go first.
Mia, when we first met-- Oh, God! Okay.
I will just e-mail that speech to you later.
(Panting) Ohh.
Ooh.
Okay, next comes the "till death do us part" stuff.
Here.
I googled it.
Just read that.
Oh.
Oh, thank you.
All right.
"Casey, do you take Mia to be your lawfully wedded wife, to have and hold, and--" How do I scroll down? Oh.
It's a touch screen.
Use your finger.
What? Oh, that's neat! When did they come up with this? Actually it was introduced four years ago-- Nerds! Oh.
Okay.
Ohh.
Ooh.
All right.
"Casey, do you take Mia, for richer, for poorer, "in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish as long as you both shall live? " I do.
(Chuckles) "Do you, Mia, take Casey to be your lawfully wedded--" Get to the end! Uh, d-do you want to marry him? (Grunts) Ohh! Was that a "yes"? Kinda sounded like a "no.
" Can I just say "I do" for her? Well, you could, but then you'd be married to Casey.
Oh, look who wants to say "I do" all of a sudden.
(Strained voice) I do! I do.
I-I do.
It's time.
I'm gonna have to ask everybody but the father to leave now.
Wait! By the power vested in me by the state of New York, I now pronounce you husband and wife.
Ohh.
You may kiss the bride.
(Laughs) (Sighs) It's been a while.
How long do these things take? About a haircut and a giants game.
(Door opens) Well? There is someone who would like to meet his grandma, his grandpa, his aunt, and his uncle b-money.
(Mia and Vicky chuckle) Are you crying? (Voice breaks) I've-- I've just been trying to get that going since junior high.
Oh.
Look how cute he is.
(Chuckles) Aw.
(Chuckles) Hi there.
Hey, pal.
(Lowered voice) So what's his name? Everybody, we'd like you to meet Charlie.
Uh, Casey, what are you talking about? We decided on "Spencer" months ago.
Well, I know, but he's not a Spencer.
He's a Charlie.
Look at him.
He's your little buddy Charlie.
Hey, Charlie, wanna go grab a pizza? (High-pitched voice) Yeah, man.
That sounds great.
(Laughter) No, Casey, we decided on "Spencer," okay? We made a decision.
We can't change it.
Oh, my God.
(Chuckles) He is a Charlie.
I wanna get pizza with you, too.
(Chuckles) And chicken wings.
Chicken wings? (Chuckles) He's not a Paul.
Yeah.
Can I, uh Can I hold him? Oh, yeah, sure.
(Chuckles) Ohh.
(Chuckles) Hi, Charlie.
I love you already.
(Chuckles) (Chuckles) Oh! Check out that grip.
(Chuckles) I think we're looking at a future yankee.
(Chuckles) Mom? Mm.
(Chuckles) (Chuckles) I'm coming to every game.
(Gasps) (High-pitched voice) Hi, Charlie.
(Chuckles) (Sniffs, lowered voice) Mmm.
Wow.
You smell good.
Ben? (Whispers) Yeah.
I think I just figured it out.
I don't need a new career.
I just need one of these.
Okay.
(Chuckles) Ohh.
He's waking up.
(Chuckles) Hey, Charlie.
Think he understands us? All the books say they understand everything.
Hmm.
Blah, blah, blah.
(Chuckles) Blah, blah, blah.
Blah, blah.
Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
Blah.
Blah, blah, blah.
(Chuckles) Mm.
Blah, blah, blah.
(Chuckles) Blah, blah, blah, blah (High-pitched voice) Blah, blah, blah! (Normal voice) Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah? (Gasps) Mm.
(Chuckles and gasps) Ohh.
Mm-hmm.
(Chuckles) Oh! Blah, blah, blah, blah.
Blah, blah, blah.
Blah, blah.
(Chuckles) (Both) Oh! Blah! Blah, blah.
Blah, blah, blah.
(Chuckles) (Nasal voice) Blech.
Blah, blah, blah.
Blah, blah, blah.
(Both) Blah!