Bewitched (1964) s01e22 Episode Script

Yes, indeed.
This table is one of our most treasured 17th-century pieces.
A steal at only $450.
Yes.
It would be a steal, wouldn't it? Are you sure it isn't Well, perhaps early 18th century.
- Excuse me, please.
- Certainly.
Perhaps something like this rocker might interest you.
It is very quaint.
It is.
It's Flemish.
Pennsylvania Dutch.
We were thrilled when we discovered this in the attic of a cottage in Belgium.
- Philadelphia.
- Madam.
If you please.
Excuse me.
Hello.
You know, Samantha, they don't make these things like they used to.
I must say, coming to these places is quite stimulating.
They hold such happy memories.
I remember the time your father and I were in Istanbul and you - Samantha, are you listening to me? - Yes, of course, Mother.
Well, you share in these memories too, you know.
I know.
But now I am more interested in the present and the future with Darrin.
I won't have you ignore your heritage.
I'm not ignoring it.
I'm putting it in its place.
I am your mother, and I shall decide its proper place.
Now, you have to understand, now that I'm married things cannot be the way they were with us.
So it's come to that.
You forsake your mother for a mere mortal.
Mother, we've been all over that.
- Is that you? - Yes, honey.
Oh, hi.
You're home early.
I thought I'd do a little work in the garden.
I was having some iced tea.
Want some? Yes.
- Here you go.
- Oh, thank you, sweetheart.
Sam, let's go in here for a minute.
Sit down, sweetheart.
Yeah, right there.
Did you wanna talk to me about something? - Yes, your birthday.
- My birthday? What do wanna talk to me about that for? It's a normal thing for a man to wanna know about his wife.
- You know when it is.
- I know.
- But when is it? - It's in June.
- June what? - The 6th.
That's kind of a nice day for a birthday.
June 6th, what? - What do you mean? - I mean, how old are you? - How old do I look? - Come on, Sam.
I'm serious.
I know you are, darling.
Why don't I fix dinner.
You must be starving.
At 4:00 in the afternoon? Look, Sam, I know women don't like to talk about their birthdays but tell me approximately.
- Twenty-two? - Older.
Twenty-four? Darrin, I don't think we should continue with this conversation.
You know, Sam, you don't look a day older than the day we met.
If anything, you look younger.
Thank you, darling.
That's sweet of you to say so.
I didn't mean it as a compliment.
How do I know you are any older? Are you? Well, yes.
A little older.
After all, we met a year ago.
What are you going to look like when I'm 75? I don't know, Darrin, how should? You're going to look just the way you are now, aren't you? Well You're going to help me up and down the stairs and bring me warm milk when I go to bed.
Darrin, I know you don't like warm milk.
How do you know what I'll like when I'm 75? I'm going to change.
How do I know you'll feel the same toward me? Well, of course I'll feel the same toward you.
Sure you can say that now, but wait 40 or 50 years.
I'll be bald, I won't have any teeth and Sam, what will people think when they see us together? That you've got the youngest wife on the block.
Isn't that marvellous? - Where are you going? - I'm going to do some gardening.
Well, spatting again, were you? No, Mother.
It's just that he's finally asked me that question.
And what question is that, dear? He asked to know my age.
Now that he suspects the truth, what are going to do about it? I don't know.
But just remember dear, with us, aging is a process requiring centuries.
With humans, it occurs practically overnight.
Their bodies are just not equipped to handle such rapid transformation.
Just wait until you see it happen to Darius.
- See what happen? - Senility.
Feebleness.
Mother, if there's one thing I know about Darrin it's that he's strong and is in perfectly good health.
You'll see.
Hi, Mr.
Stephens.
Oh, hi, Kimmie.
What's the matter? I've probably got too much of a load.
I'll get a box from the garage, take some of them out.
- Mr.
Stephens? - Yes, Kimmie.
Where did you want it? Right there will be fine.
That'll be just fine.
You're kind of strong for a little girl, aren't you? About normal, I guess.
- Bye.
- Goodbye, Kimmie.
Thanks.
Darrin, what happened? That kid hit me.
Got me a pretty good shot too.
- It's just a little newspaper.
- But it had a lot of velocity.
Besides, he could have hit me in my bad leg.
- Bad leg? - Yeah, I hurt it playing football.
It's been acting up lately.
Probably just a little touch of rheumatism.
Darrin, I've always thought of you as the picture of health.
On the surface, yes, but inside, underneath That was Louise Tate on the phone.
She asked us over for bridge.
- You're going to bed already? - I've gotta get my rest.
- I haven't been feeling too well lately.
- Yes, I'm beginning to notice that.
May not be anything serious at all.
Then again Darrin, don't you think you're carrying this thing a little bit too far.
Easy for you to say.
You don't know what it's like to get older and the body doesn't stand up the way it used to.
Warm milk.
- Good night, Sam.
- Good night, darling.
- Morning, Mr.
Stephens.
- Where you off to? I thought I'd deliver these sketches for you.
You needn't bother.
You ought to let the young blood take care of this sort of thing.
You have more important things to do.
Maybe you're right, Eddy.
Hi, Larry.
- Well, good morning, Darrin.
- Good morning, Larry.
You know, old friend, you're not looking well.
- I wish you wouldn't call me that.
- Call you what? Mr.
Tate, Miss Crampton from the model agency is here.
Oh, thank you.
Tell her I'll be with her in a few minutes.
Don't shut the door, Miss Blanding.
It's getting stuffy here.
Yes, sir.
Larry, how do you feel about younger women? I think they're just fine.
I'll do even better than that.
I'll say they're great.
Is Louise younger than you? I don't know.
She says she is.
I think Louise is a fine woman, Larry.
I don't think you should go tearing her down.
Well, who's tearing her down? Probably just because she's beginning to look a little older.
Louise is no spring chicken, but it doesn't mean I think a woman as old Louise should look her age.
It's dignified.
Wait a minute.
She's not all that old.
I think we'd be hypocrites if we didn't admit we preferred younger women.
You approve of marriage between an older man and a younger woman? Why, yes.
I mean, it all depends.
Darrin, what on earth are you getting at? - Suppose he was really older? - How much older? Oh, say, 50 years.
A marriage between a 75-year-old man and a 25-year-old woman? Darrin, that strikes me as indecent.
That's the way it strikes me too.
Darrin, what's bothering you? I'm afraid you just wouldn't understand, Larry.
Well If you feel that way about it.
Glad you came to me about this Darrin.
I mean, that's what friends are for, to confide in each other.
- Well, what is it this time? - Well, you see, Dave, it's like this They say the first six months are the roughest in any marriage.
I think Samantha is older than I am.
Kind of a period of adjustment, during which the man and woman have to kind of get to know and understand each other.
- A lot older.
- Little faults.
Little habits.
Maybe 200 or 300 years older.
The likes, the little dislikes.
Like if one prefers Scotch.
There may be advantages being married to an older woman like if you had trouble with historical dates.
But once over the hurdle, once true love has withstood the test smooth sailing.
Like the Revolutionary War.
You could just go to her and ask.
- I got an appointment.
- Thanks, Dave.
Any time, old boy, any time.
"Old boy.
" I didn't come here about myself, doc.
It's Samantha.
I need some advice.
I didn't know who else to turn to.
Well, I'm flattered, Darrin, that you should come to me.
What is it? Isn't Samantha feeling well? That's just it.
She's abnormally well for a woman who might be several centuries old.
On second thought, I think I'd better examine you.
Take off your shirt.
Pete, what do you do when you find out your wife's a witch? A very old witch.
You do just like I done, pal.
I mean, you just gotta learn to live with it.
How do you know what I'll like when I'm 75? I'm going to change.
How do I know you'll feel the same? Of course I'll feel the same toward you.
Wait 40 or 50 years.
I'll be bald, I won't have any teeth.
Sam, what will people think when they see us? That you've got the youngest wife on the block.
Wait, please don't go.
I was talking to the squirrels.
Up in the tree there.
Quadramus-invecta-expedia - You wanted to see me, dear? - Yes, Mother.
Where have you been? Oh, I was out supplying two dear little squirrels with a nest full of nuts.
You've seen this before? Can't see that I have, but it is quite a remarkable likeness.
Yes, isn't it? - This is your doing.
- Surely you wouldn't think your You needn't deny it.
I recognise your touch.
Well It was just a little game.
- Innocent, harmless.
- No, it wasn't harmless.
You filled Darrin's head with doubts and suspicions.
He'll have to know eventually.
I'm doing it for your own good.
Later on, it would be more difficult.
All right, Mother.
I'm going to tell him the truth.
Oh, how touching.
But then when you consider how self-centred they are and selfish well, he'd never adjust to it, to growing old and you staying young.
I'm going to tell him.
Splendid.
Mother will be waiting.
That car's been parked in that two-hour zone all afternoon.
Maybe we better check it out.
Car 63.
I need to make on a 1965 convertible.
License number 4R6558.
- Hello? - Hello, Samantha? This is Larry Tate.
Oh, hi, Larry.
- May I speak to Darrin? - No, he hasn't come home yet.
Strange.
He never came back after lunch today.
Where do you suppose he could be? There's nothing to worry about.
Have you checked all the hospitals? Hospitals? Larry, you don't think anything could've happened to him? No, it's just that a hospital is the first place you check when someone's missing.
Oh, I'm sure he's just out shopping or something.
Samantha, you know I'm not in the habit of prying into people's private lives.
Of course you aren't, Larry.
Whose private lives? I was just wondering, is everything all right with you and Darrin? Oh, yes, of course.
Why do you ask that? Well, it's just that Darrin was acting very peculiar this morning.
Like he'd lost his best friend.
Not only that, he's got a cockamamie notion he's Methuselah or something.
Well, he didn't sleep very well last night.
I think he's just tired.
I'll have him call you when he comes home.
Bye.
- Hello? - Mrs.
Stephens? - Yes.
- Is your husband at home? - Who is this? - Officer Kern, police department.
Police? What is it? Why do you want my husband? Just a routine check, Mrs.
Stephens.
His car's been in two-hour parking zone at Westbridge Avenue Park all afternoon.
- Westbridge Avenue Park? - Yes, ma'am.
Mrs.
Stephens, if you'd like us to have a look around for him, why - Yes.
Yes, I would.
- Thank you very much.
Goodbye.
Do you remember, Henry, the first time we came here? We'd just been married.
- Seems like yesterday.
- Yes.
And do you know, Henry, you haven't changed a particle in all these years.
- And you're still my bride, Agatha.
- Thank you, Henry.
Darrin, I've been worried about you.
I'm sorry, Sam.
I meant to call.
I don't know where the time went.
How did you know where I was? Policemen phoned, they found your car.
What are you doing here? I just wanted to be someplace where I could be alone, think things out.
I found the picture in the closet.
Darrin No, Sam, there's something I have to tell you.
I've been doing a lot of thinking.
It wasn't easy, but I've come to a decision.
I love you, and that's all that matters.
Do you really mean that? When two people love each other the only thing that's important is to be together.
Young or old, you'll always be the same to me.
Oh, Darrin, I love you so much.
Besides, what's wrong with people thinking I have the youngest wife on the block? - Excuse me, is your name Stephens? - Yes.
- Mr.
Darrin Stephens? - Why, yes.
Look, pal, why don't you go home to your wife.
This is my wife.
I talked to your wife on the phone not two minutes ago all the way across town.
I suppose you're gonna try to tell us she flew here.
Well, l You see Why don't you just drop the little lady off and go on home.
Anything you say, officer.
Can you beat a guy like that? Probably got a nice wife at home too.
- True.
True.
- True.
The other things wouldn't have been so bad if it hadn't been for the squirrels.
The squirrels? You won't believe this, but I thought I heard them talking to each other.
Oh, well.
- Mother.
- Did you say something, honey? Nothing, darling.