Black-ish (2014) s01e22 Episode Script

There are some things black people don't like to talk about, like if O.
J.
really did it, the proper amount of suit buttons, and we never talk about - How much we love Robin Thicke.
- Guys! I love Robin Thicke, too.
Uhh! - He a'ight.
- I wasn't even really listening.
I don't know who that is.
Another thing a lot of black people don't like to talk about is the gay people in their family.
Take my baby sister Rhonda.
She's gay I think.
She lives in a one-bedroom apartment with her friend Sharon Who's a mechanic, and their cat, Kitty Lang.
So, yeah, she's definitely gay.
And I'm cool with that.
Of course, she never told me directly because we don't talk about it, and my mom she really doesn't talk about it.
- Hey, baby girl! - Aw! Oh, good, you brought your mechanic roommate.
Like, really, really doesn't talk about it.
- Hey, y'all.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- Well, look who's practicing cookin'.
I'm not practicing.
I'm making breakfast for my children.
- Oh, God.
Oh, you keep practicing.
- Oh.
- Okay, Ruby, all right.
- Rhonda, why don't you take a plate - out to your mechanic friend? - Do I have to? Well, she's probably hungry.
She's out there changing the oil on my Lincoln.
You know what? You're right, Mom.
I'm gonna do that for you, because I don't want your car to break down, because I love you.
Aw.
Mm.
I see what you're doing.
Mother's Day is coming, so you're trying to get some brownie points for having your friend Sharon work on mom's car.
It's not going to work.
Well, I know you think you're her favorite, because she breastfed you until you were eight.
Six.
All right? It was a two-year wean.
I was underweight, so I had to jump back on.
Oh, you know you ain't never been underweight.
Hey.
I'm still your favorite, right, Mother? Oh, come on, now.
Y'all know rankings don't come out until December.
Mm-hmm.
Okay.
Mm! Even the toast.
Check you later, bro.
- All right, Sis.
- Thank you.
You're welcome.
Sorry about that.
Dre Rhonda has been with Sharon for years.
I can't believe your mom still thinks she's her roommate.
Well, technically, they are roommates.
Well, then technically, we're roommates, and you owe me $5 for drinking all the milk.
Well, if I give you $5, will you promise that we don't have to talk about this? Dre, what's the worst thing that could happen if you actually said the words "Rhonda is gay"? What's the best thing that could happen? - Hmm? - Auntie Rhonda is gay? Seriously, Dre, it's like your family has a "don't ask, don't tell" policy.
Oh, no, no, no, we're way nicer than that.
It's "please don't ask, please don't tell," and it works for us.
- Okay, Bow.
- Huh? Don't rock the boat.
Pssh! I don't rock boats.
What are you doing?! What are you doing?! Don't make me I just think you should talk to your sister more.
I mean, you're missing out, 'cause I hang out with Sharon and Rhonda all the time, and it's amazing.
We talk about everything.
There are so many inside jokes you don't even know.
Mm-hmm? I mean Erykah ba-don't.
"Don't.
" Rhonda's crazy.
Yeah, grove on Sunday? I'm free all day.
Hey, look what I made mom for Mother's Day.
Oh.
Right.
Sunday's Mother's Day.
I guess I can't hang out.
You are so lucky your mom's missing.
I thought we were getting her something together.
I decided to go solo.
I'm tired of splitting mom's love.
Well, good luck getting any love with this.
What's wrong with it? If mom wanted dry pasta on cardboard, she'd go to macaroni grill.
Guys, guess what.
Auntie Rhonda gay! So what else should I get mom? Oh, now you want my help? Uh, why isn't anyone else surprised? Because we all knew.
Dude, auntie Rhonda lives in a one-bedroom apartment with her girlfriend.
Since when is it gay to save money on rent? Wow, your gaydar is seriously broken.
- What's "gaydar"? - Dude, really? You can't even piece it together? It's two words combined, and one of them's "radar.
" Yeah, this is pretty basic stuff.
Oh, my God.
I just got "hamburglar"! "Bromance"? "Chillax"? "Spanglish"! 'Sup, boss? You look bothered.
No, man, just some family stuff.
Bow doesn't think I'm close enough to my sister, who's gay.
Whoa.
Been there.
I got a brother.
He's not gay or nothin', but we got our issues.
- Mm-hmm? - Yet and still I was the best man at he and his lifelong roommate Gustavo's health insurance consolidation party last summer on fire island.
That sounds like a gay wedding.
Whoa, watch your mouth there, youngster.
That's my not-gay brother you're talking 'bout there.
It seems that if he wasn't gay, you wouldn't have to keep telling us how not gay he is.
Don't you got, like, some coffee or something you need to be going to get? This kid here, right? All right, it's been great visiting the 1950s.
I'm gonna go to my cubicle and, uh, somehow make less money than you guys.
You get it, Charlie.
Damn right I get it, unlike gym shoe there.
Bow thinks Rhonda and I don't talk enough.
She's gon' rock the boat.
Well, then, you know, you You just gotta show Bow how comfortable you are talking to your sister.
- That'll calm her down.
- You're right.
We don't rock boats, Dre.
Drowning is one of the worst deaths.
- It goes fire, drowning - Then bees.
Eh I can't believe I'm listening to this fool.
Look alive! Whoa! Oh! Oh, God.
I always forget to say that earlier.
I brought cold brewskis.
- Hey! - Oh! Because all lesbians love beer? Uh And apparently scaring people.
- By the way, though, this Buick's sweet.
- Uh-huh.
You guys, let's go drink these somewhere else.
I'm-a blame the broken window on one of the kids.
Mm! Mm! So what's going on with you guys? What else is happening? - Hmm? - Nothing.
Nothing? Come on.
Yo! You can talk to me.
We have jokes.
Erykah ba-don't.
What? Wait.
What are you talking about? That's our joke.
Erykah no? No.
That's not us? Oh.
Nurse Larry.
Nurse Larry's crazy.
More like Erykah ba-don't! What? Who do I do this with? No, but seriously, guys, what's going on? I feel like you're hiding something from me.
Come on! I know you're not telling me something.
- Tell me, tell me, tell me.
- We're getting married.
Dude, not cool.
What? That's wonderful! That's so wonderful! Why would you not tell me that? I don't know.
We just wanted to keep it, you know, real low-key.
No, you wanna keep it low-key.
Look, it's not about you guys.
It's it's it's about mom.
'Cause if I invite you and Dre, then I have to invite her, and That would be a disaster.
Wait.
Rhonda, you really think your mom is that closed off that she wouldn't be excited about a big life moment like this? Uh, my mom is so homophobic, she wouldn't let Dre eat bananas when he was a kid.
Not in my house.
- Wow.
- Oh.
Wow.
It's just not worth the drama.
Listen, I understand not telling your mom, but don't you think that Dre would wanna know? Granted, he's not the greatest listener.
You know, he just kind of, like, smiles and nods sometimes.
You don't know if he's processing anything are you listening to me? Yeah, that was great.
Yeah, she really is listening.
She's just thinking about dodgeball.
- That's what she does.
- Oh, my God.
We really are with the same person.
Yeah.
- I'm having another beer.
- What? What's going on? When mom sees your present, she's going to give you away, so I'm just checking if I have room in here for a balance beam.
Not so fast.
I emptied my piggy bank and got some new things.
Fine.
What did you get her? Does this say, "I love you"? That's nice If you wanna get put up for adoption.
A homemade coupon book? She's going to love that.
You mind holding this for me? Perfect! Even got room for a trampoline.
Move to the side.
- Hey.
- Hey.
You know, Charlie made a really good point today.
Oh, really? Mm-hmm.
He said that I should talk to Rhonda.
Dre, I've been saying that for years.
So you agree with Charlie.
Hey, y'all.
- Hey, Sis.
You hungry? - I could eat.
- Bow.
- Hmm? Can you give us a minute? I'm gonna do that Charlie thing.
- Oh, the Charlie thing.
- Mm-hmm.
- Okay.
- All right.
Charlie thing.
So You good? Yeah, I'm good.
You know, just doing me.
- Okay.
- You good? Yeah, you know, robbing Peter to pay Paul.
Well, you know, one monkey don't stop no show.
Ha! You ain't gotta tell me that.
And if I had your hand, I'd cut mine off.
Shoot, I'm just trying to make a dollar out of 15 cents.
Well, I'm waiting on my rich uncle - to come out of the poorhouse.
- Good luck with that.
Stay up.
That's all I can do.
Yeah.
There you go right there.
Thank you.
Mm-hmm.
Peace.
- Boom! - What the hell, Dre? - You didn't say anything.
- What? I said, "if I had your hand, I'd cut mine off," she said she's trying to make a dollar out of 15.
Do you not see the sandwich we made? Are you kidding? Oh, I'm sorry if they don't talk that way in Light Skinned-Sylvania.
- My bad.
- Great.
Another joke about my skin tone, but you can't talk to your sister? Hey, hey, hey, your airy-fairy family has one way of doing things, and my highly functional family does it different.
Oh, really? And did your highly functional family cover the fact that Rhonda and Sharon - are getting married? - Uh and they didn't invite you? Well, she did say, "one monkey don't stop no show.
" I don't know.
- Maybe? - Dre This is real, and she didn't mention it because she didn't want Ruby to know.
My sister's not scared of my mom.
That's crazy.
Hey.
What's for dinner? Oh, hmm.
- Oh, this looks good.
- Mm-hmm.
- Bow, you make this? - I did not make the sandwich, Ruby.
She bought the meat, though.
Uh-huh.
But let's talk about the actor who would play the burglar.
Now is there any objection to him being a large African-American man in an Obama mask? Get the - Dre? Dre? - Hmm? This is typically the kind of thing that you like to weigh in on, and, frankly, your opinion saves us millions in lawsuits.
- That's true.
- Guys, I'm sorry.
I'm over here thinking about my sister.
Her and her girlfriend didn't invite me to their wedding.
Oh, your your sister's gay? His sister's gay, but my brother isn't.
- What? - No.
Yes, she's gay, and I'm cool with it.
It's just something that we don't talk about.
Dre, you've got to get with the times.
I mean, I myself am an avid supporter of gay rights, ever since the big fella kissed the ginger - on "Modern Family.
" - Love them.
So for three years? Yeah, give or take.
Before that, I had some unspeakable bumper stickers on my car.
Your sister really needs your support.
I can't even imagine how hard it would have been if my family hadn't been there for me when I came out.
- Oh? - What? Oh, hey, now Uh - Are you a lesbian? - Well, I mean, I went to a women's college, so I was a L.
U.
G.
Lesbian Until Graduation? - Awesome.
- Really? Huh? - The floor is yours.
- Okay.
So it's really hot to hear about me and my roommate - trading shy winks across the room - Uh-huh.
Braiding each other's hair, getting snowed-in together.
- Just speak into the mic.
- See? That's what I'm talking about.
Lesbians are fine in theory, but you don't wanna talk to your own sister about her life.
And, Dre, by not talking to her, you're actually passing judgment on her.
So you're saying I'll never have a full relationship with my sister until I let her know that I'm cool with who she is? Yeah, exactly.
- Okay, well, that makes - No.
I think my brother and his husband are gay! You guys feel like we're done with this meeting? Aah! "S"! - Okay, an "S.
" All right.
Okay.
- "S"! - Oh! - Okay.
- All right.
- Let's see it.
Right here.
It's easy.
This should be like nothing for you right now.
- So how you doing? - You know.
I'm happy to be blinkin' and breathin'.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
No, but I'm serious.
How are you doing? Planning a wedding? Wow.
I can't believe Bow told you.
Ha.
Of course she did.
Hell, she thought we were gonna talk about it earlier, but we made that sandwich.
That sandwich was bomb, and we should make another one.
- Come on.
- Hey, hey, Rhonda.
Rhonda, Rhonda.
Come on.
Yeah, yeah.
Um, I'm sorry I didn't invite you.
You know, it's just that Hey, you don't owe me an explanation.
This is on me.
Look, I know I wasn't as supportive as I should have been about you going through your lesbian-ification.
No, Dre, no, no, no.
So you just can't become lesbian-ified.
- Huh? - You you gotta be born lesbian-ic.
Ah see? Thank you.
Now I know the right words.
You're welcome.
You know, I'm happy you found somebody.
You know, you and Sharon are great together.
- Oh, I really appreciate that.
- Hmm.
So Sharon and I's wedding is in June, and we would really love it if you and Bow would come.
But wait a minute.
This does not conflict with the NBA finals, does it? This is a lesbian wedding.
This is not gonna conflict with no finals.
- Ah! - Take the shot to get this "E" and lose! I had made a breakthrough.
Rhonda and I had never been closer, and I couldn't wait to share the love.
Erykah ba-don't, right? No? - Is it just me? - Yeah, it's you.
You guys don't get it? All right, everyone, I'd like to propose a toast.
All right, it feels good to have everyone here for Mother's Day, but today isn't just about mothers.
It's also about sisters.
Since when? Rhonda, I feel like I've missed out on so much of your life that I don't want anyone else to miss out, so Dre To Rhonda and Sharon! Why is he toasting her mechanic at my brunch? - It's our Brunch.
- Mama Sharon isn't just Rhonda's mechanic.
Sharon is Rhonda's girlfriend.
- Wow.
Really? - Huh? - Right now, dude? - Sis, Sis, I got this.
It's time that we all stop pretending.
Mother, your daughter is as gay as the day is long.
Hmm, I'm pretty sure that I could have found a more sensitive way to say that.
- No, you nailed it.
- I did? - Yeah.
- Okay, cool.
- I can't believe this is happening right now.
- Listen, listen.
Rhonda is not gay, fool.
She's just waiting for God to make a man she's attracted to, - that's all, kids.
- Okay, okay.
Come on, Mom.
We all know that that's not gonna happen.
- Rhonda and Sharon are in love.
- Okay.
And they're getting married! - Mnh-mnh.
- Drink up! Yay! - Don't say that.
Don't say that.
- What? - Mnh-mnh.
- Mama.
- Mnh-mnh! - What's happening? - Mnh-mnh! - Congratulations.
Unh-unh, not my family.
- Not in my family! - Please.
Mama, no, listen.
Please.
- Please listen.
- Not gay, not gay, - not my baby.
- Mama, mama Mama! Mama! No! - Oh, God.
- It's not about that.
Black Jesus! Black Jesus, help me! What the hell do you think you're doing? I Rhonda, I - Aah! - No! Oh! Sharon It was a nice brunch.
Happy Mother's Day.
Whoa! Back it up.
Auntie Sharon's gay, too?! Unbelievable.
Thanks a lot, Bow.
Definitely the right move to rock the boat.
I told you to rock the boat, Dre, not steer it into an iceberg.
Mm-hmm.
Yo, bro! Are you out your mind? Who in the hell are you to out me to mom? Rhonda, I saw this playing out differently.
Look, I saw myself as the hero, you know, cheers, ticker tape, sitting in the back of a convertible.
Okay.
You're right.
I shouldn't have said anything.
Well, it's too late now.
You can't put the toothpaste back in the tube.
Sharon and I are leaving Soon.
Ironically, we're having a little bit of car trouble.
Mom? Mom, look.
I'm sorry that it went down the way that it did.
It's okay, baby.
It's my fault anyway.
The little boy that lived next door was that way, and I let Rhonda play with him.
That's not how that works or really what I'm talking about Mom, it's your and Rhonda's decision whether you wanna talk about it or not.
If it works out for you guys not to talk about it, then that's just fine.
Thank you, baby.
- Besides - What? You cannot argue with the Bible! The book of Leviticus says it is an abomination.
Uh, Leviticus also says the same thing about shellfish and polyester blends.
Mm.
Well, maybe she'll grow out of this phase if I take her to my prayer circle, and they all lay hands on her.
Of course, that's mostly women.
That could do more harm than good.
- Mom! It's not a phase.
All right? - Hmm.
Rhonda is who she is, and I'm not asking you to change how you vote or how you feel! - But this is your daughter.
- Mnh-mnh! - My sister.
- Mnh-mnh! And if you can't accept her, then I can't accept you.
Mnh then I suppose I have to go and hug my grandbabies For the last time.
But I am taking this shrimp.
Gay or no gay I'm taking this shrimp! What should I do? I still don't have anything to give mom.
It's okay.
I'll come visit you at the orphanage.
Happy Mother's Day, Mommy! - Oh! - From me and only me.
Oh, my goodness! Thank you, baby girl! Can I open it? Open it! Oh! Macaroni picture frame? - Oh! I love it! - Elbow.
Your favorite.
- And a mug? - Yes.
My idea.
Oh, my goodness.
- A coupon book.
- A classic.
- Sweetheart! - Those are my gifts.
- Have a little dignity, friend.
- Aw.
You're better than this.
It's the least I can do, Mommy, - because I love you.
- Aw.
Jack Forgot.
I did forget, Mommy! Oh All I have is to tell you how much I love you with This hug! Oh! Jack! Listen, a hug is better than any gift.
Oh, sweetie.
Well Everybody's mad at me, and my mother is leaving, too.
- Stop smiling, Bow.
- Okay.
Look, I'm serious.
This isn't a joke, Bow.
She said she's never coming back.
Not Christmas, not easter, ever.
Stop dancing! Really? Bow, stop dancing.
Okay.
Oh.
- What? - As much as I wish that were true, I don't think we're getting rid of her that easy.
Look.
- They're talking? - They're talking.
- I did that.
- Um, I think I did that.
Ahh-ahh! Don't ruin the moment, Bow.
- Oh, okay.
- Okay? - Okay.
- I wonder what they're saying.
Mm-hmm.
"I love you, Rhonda.
" "I love you, too, Mom.
" "Aren't you glad Rainbow told you to rock the boat?" Mm.
Ooh.
Ooh, ooh.
You do my mama good.
So? Are you coming to my wedding or not? Well, you're still my daughter.
So I tell you what.
You send me an invitation, and I'll open it.
Ha.
And I see it Ha.
And I'll be there.
Well, if I have your address, and you still live there, I wouldn't mind it.
"I owe this all to Dre.
I think his wife should reward him with sex.
" - Really? - Mm-hmm, yep.
That's that's what your sister said to your mom? - Weird, right? - That I should have sex with you? - I know.
I know it's weird.
- So weird.
- But I can read lips.
- Okay.
I know you, baby.
- Mm.
- Come on, reward me.
Reward sex on its way.