Brooklyn Nine-Nine s01e22 Episode Script

I didn't wash my hands, and I don't care.
Yup.
Cool to be some place right when things get good, right? Another pitcher of your strongest beer, please, good sir, and a glass thingie to drink it out of.
And one of whatever this guy's having for that guy, and one of what that guy's having for this guy.
And another round for everyone, on me! That's right.
That's right.
- Thanks, buddy.
- What's the occasion? Oh, I'm celebrating.
My name's Jake Peralta, and I just got fired from the NYPD.
All right, listen up.
What you're about to see is highly disturbing, but please, no comments.
This man is in pain, so above all else, be kind.
Good morning, Boyle.
Let's just get it out there.
Vivian broke up with me last night.
I'm sorry, chucklebunny.
Charles, wait! Yes? Your food dehydrator.
Oh, God.
It's official.
The wedding's off, and this is what I'm like now.
- Life is a pit.
- Excuse me? I don't understand.
Did you already have a matrix getup at home for some reason? No, Gina, I bought this with the money I was going to spend on our honeymoon to cape canaveral.
I'm so sorry, buddy.
Don't be, I'm settling into the darkness nicely.
I definitely get you now.
What you got there, Boyle? Eggs in a bag.
Nothing brings me joy anymore, not even food.
Now, I only eat for sustenance.
Smart.
Save that for later.
Peralta? My office, now.
Sir? Ah.
Commissioner Podolski.
It's been a while.
Maybe because you haven't put any of my children in handcuffs recently.
Yay, enemies for life.
Peralta, have you been investigating Lucas Wint? Uh, yeah, I have.
I think he's laundering money for drug dealers.
Don't be an idiot.
Lucas Wint is a civic leader.
He runs a major charity, his community center is the lifeblood of that neighborhood, and he officially claims you have been harassing him.
What? That's insane.
I've been trying to talk to him, and he keeps avoiding me like a guilty person, so I approached him at his weekly basketball game.
Hey there, Wint, I got a couple questions for you.
I told you to back off.
This is completely inappropriate.
No, this is me scoring in your face! Kobe! Seemed like an obvious goal-tend, but that's besides the point.
Peralta, do you have any evidence to support your suspicions? There's a lot of chatter amongst low-level drug dealers.
Chatter? Sorry, I know.
I hate that word too.
Tittle-tattle.
Just stay away from Wint.
That's an order.
Captain, I'm telling you this is reliable tittle-tattle.
You have to trust me.
Trust me.
It's in your best interest to back off.
Fine.
But just for the record, I think you're both wrong.
Self dismissed.
We have to help Charles.
He's devastated.
I hate seeing him like this.
Breakups are cartoony, thumbs down.
They make people feel face-with-xs-for-the-eyes.
What does that even mean? The english language cannot fully capture the depth and complexity of my thoughts, so I'm incorporating emoji into my speech to better express myself.
Winky face.
Oh, lord.
Listen, this is simple.
Boyle needs a little rebound nooky.
Eggplant emoji.
Rosa, you wanna get on that? Don't make me rip your tongue off.
I would talk to him, but I don't think I have any advice.
All of my breakups have been completely mutual.
This is the best possible option for both of us.
Agreed.
Take care.
That was the end of an eight-year relationship.
You know, I haven't had that many romantic breakups, but neither of my children will speak to me anymore.
All right.
None of you are any help.
Sarge and I will cheer up Charles.
Oh.
He's not even chewing them anymore.
Ugh.
Listen to this text Boyle just sent me.
"I finally know what used napkins at a barbecue restaurant feel like.
" I hate breakups.
I hope I never go through one again.
Really? You think you'll spend the rest of your life with Teddy? What? No.
Maybe.
I don't know.
Just saying getting dumped is a nightmare.
No arguments here.
I remember my worst breakup.
Eighth grade.
Jenny Gildenhorn.
Hey, Jenny.
Jake, I don't wanna go out anymore.
I like Eddie Fung now.
But it's my bar Mitzvah.
We were gonna grind.
That day, I truly became a man.
Wonder where Eddie Fung is now.
I know exactly where that bastard is.
Get down, it's Wint! Wha Wint? Holt told you to drop that.
I thought we were working a burglary.
I know, I lied.
Apology? Apology accepted.
Look, Podolski is wrong.
Wint is guilty.
Yesterday, I saw him get into a car with a known drug dealer.
I didn't have time to take a picture, but today, I came prepared.
Did you tell Holt what you saw? No, I don't trust him on this.
How can you not trust Holt? He's the executor of my will.
Wint has crazy ties to city hall.
I just don't think Holt would risk giving up his command.
Anyway.
Oh, crap.
Where'd he go? Hello, Detective Peralta.
Amy.
Tell me who's there.
I'm blind.
You disobeyed my direct orders to drop this case.
I staked out Wint 'cause I got a tip he was meeting up with a drug dealer.
And why didn't you tell me about this? Because you told me to drop the case.
Look, let's just agree to say "I'm sorry" on the count of three.
One, two, three.
See? Now, I'm just disappointed in both of us.
This is unacceptable, and you've crossed the line.
Sir, I am Amy Santiago, and I have something to say.
I think you're wrong.
I think Detective Peralta is onto something, and you should let him pursue it.
I'm Amy Santiago, and I'm done talking.
Good, because this is none of your concern.
Commissioner Podolski is bringing you up on charges and specs.
You're facing a six-month suspension, and you're on administrative leave until the hearing.
Now, get out of my office.
Fine.
Here's my gun and my badge.
I don't need those.
You're not suspended yet.
You're on administrative leave.
You never let me do anything cool.
Ah.
Good morning, Captain.
I got you your favorite breakfast, a plain bagel and a water.
Don't try to soften me up.
Why'd you ask me to meet you in this alley in Bensonhurst at 9:00 in the morning? Look, my best chance of not getting suspended is proving that Wint is guilty.
I got a confidential informant I need you to meet.
You continue to work this case against my direct orders? You astound me.
Thank you, sir.
You astound me as well.
But I didn't find him.
Santiago did.
What is going on with you? I don't know, sir.
We're both off-roading it here.
My internal GPS has been recalculating for a week.
This is Isaac.
He used to be a pusher for the bay Ridge boys.
Dude, drugs don't need pushing.
They push themselves.
People love drugs.
Tell him about the donations.
All right, look, every friday, I put cash into a duffel bag and bring it to Wint community center, room 265, and they mark it down as a charitable donation in their account book.
Ergo, laundering.
So why should we believe you? I don't care who you believe.
Just know I hate those dudes now.
They carved up my territory so bad, I had to quit selling drugs, and I love selling drugs.
It was my dream job.
Sir, I filled out a warrant request to search the community center for the account book.
I need you to sign it before I can take it to a judge.
I know I'm asking you to stick your neck out, but please trust me.
Fine.
But I'll be with you every step of the way.
You know, you should just put a microchip in his neck like a little doggy.
All right, Isaac, thank you.
Yeah, you're done.
All right, guys.
We have Peralta's hearing at 4:00.
Anybody seen Boyle? Present.
He seems even worse than before.
I lost Vivian, and now I might lose Jake.
I don't know what else to do.
I've tried being supportive.
I listened to him talk about Vivian's lips for over two hours.
He kept describing them as "ample.
" So ample.
Rosa.
Have you ever been dumped? No.
In all my breakups, I'm always the dumper.
I know you're having a hard time, but I think I can fix this.
There's this thing that I do whenever I Feel.
What? Burn everything.
Okay.
This feels right.
No, it's terrible! Vivian, I won't let you burn! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ow! Ah! Ooh! Ah! Oh, that's so hot! What is that? It's coffee.
Hot coffee? Look at us, three rogue cops taking on a case the commissioner told us to drop.
Button up your jacket.
Sit up straight.
Judge Mindel has a reputation for being strict and proper.
All right, no worries.
I'll just act like you.
Say something so I can get the cadence of your voice down.
I will not.
Perfect.
I will not.
I Will not.
I will Not.
Have a seat, Detective.
I will not.
Excuse me? Uh, sorry.
I meant out of respect, I will choose to stand.
Sit, I will not.
This looks like it was filled out by a toddler.
Now, we're going to have to go through this point by point.
Justice cannot be rushed.
But could it be gently nudged into hyper speed? I take it you're the toddler.
Excuse me a moment.
Mm-hmm.
This is going terribly.
New plan.
I'm gonna charm her.
Oh, no.
I'm sorry.
I had to take that.
You gotta do what you gotta do.
Captain Raymond Holt.
What's up? You wanted to see me, sarge? Yeah, come on in, Boyle.
Sorry to hear about your hand.
Thanks.
It makes it really hard to manipulate my egg sack.
Look.
Here's the deal.
I did my Junior year abroad in Tokyo.
And my girlfriend Chiaki? She broke my heart.
I stared at the paper walls for weeks until my roommates showed me how to vent my feelings.
Take a plate and smash it.
Oh! Feels good.
Yeah! All right.
Your turn, Boyle.
Okay.
Vent those feelings! Okay.
Here we go, sarge.
Yeah.
Oh, my testicles! We got a warrant.
But now, we need a plan.
We can't just go in there in our uniforms.
They'll destroy the evidence before we even walk through the door.
Good point, Captain Holt, or should I say "Captain Raymond sex vibes"? Who knew you had such game? Yes, I've found that many women want what they can't have.
I get it.
Ew.
What the hell is going on? According to the community center calendar, amateur ballroom dancing competition.
Ah, okay.
I know how we're gonna blend in.
- Don't say "thrift store.
" - Thrift store! I - I want to - Thank you For lettin' me be myself Again Thank you for let Jake, the overwhelming time pressure.
Yep.
All right, Isaac said the account book was in room 265.
It's gotta be upstairs.
Let's head up.
Hey.
Where you goin'? To the dance contest.
I am nationally-recognized fox-trotter Dave Blathis, and these are my proteges, Rhonda Shawarma and Hank Frankel.
I don't care who you are.
Upstairs is closed to the public.
Fine.
But we didn't have to endure this crap when we danced in Barcelona.
The hearing's starting any second.
There may be another staircase off the dance floor.
I'll sign us up for the contest.
Good idea.
Oh, and Amy.
Hm? Your dress makes you look like a mermaid.
Okay, I'll see you in a little bit.
I know we're all concerned about Boyle, but again, there is a solution.
Forget your ex with meaningless sex.
It rhymes because it's true.
All right, everyone.
Peralta needs us to stall.
So just keep your answers long.
Add stuff.
Embellish your asses off.
Boyle, you're first.
I don't know if I'm up for this.
I'm so emotional.
I can barely think straight.
Great.
Use that.
Embrace the void.
Would you say Detective Peralta was overly interested in the Wint case? I only heard Detective Peralta talk about Lucas Wint once.
We were in my car.
I took Vivian on our first real date in that car.
Vivian is my fiancee.
My ex-fiancee.
My never-wife.
Detective Boyle, if you could, please limit your comments to the matter at hand.
I will.
I'd just like the record to reflect that "matter at hand" was one of Vivian's favorite expressions.
We should try to blend in.
Stretch your leg up over your head.
What? You stretch your leg up over your head.
You think I wouldn't if I could? Ugh.
Ooh, looks like the Captain found a partner.
Good lord.
Okay, we begin with a free-dance period to the spicy sounds of rumba.
All right.
The linoleum awaits, my dear.
Oh, boy.
I know we're undercover, but I'm starting to get real nervous about this contest.
You need to see a therapist.
Yeah.
Let's dance this way.
- Okay.
- Ho, hoo.
How did you manage to step on both of my feet at the same time? I'm horrible at this.
When can we stop? I'm horrible at this I know, I know.
Title of my sex tape.
Huh, well done.
Title of my sex tape.
Oh, my God, the Captain.
He could really win this thing.
How did you get so amazing at dancing? Jake, focus.
I found a back stairway over here.
And spin.
Who is he? As far as I can recall, Detective Peralta told me that That He No, I never heard Jake talk about Wint.
And the very fact that you have him on trial is cat-doing- home-alone -face.
Of Look, I've known Jake forever.
Our friendship is little-boy- holding-little-girl's-hand.
God, that guard by the door will not move.
Uh-oh, he just made eye contact with me.
Play it cool.
Dance.
Dance, dance, dance.
You don't have to say "dance" every time you make a step.
Good call.
Hey.
Do you want me to actually show you how to do this so you don't hurt yourself and possibly others? Yes.
Okay.
Ready? Mm-hmm.
This is kinda fun.
Yeah.
Maybe Teddy and I should take a class.
Yeah.
Maybe.
Guys, we're running out of time.
What's the plan? That guard won't move.
We need a distraction.
I'm on it.
Dance, dance, dance, dance.
Oh, God! Oh! My ankle! Sir, my ankle! Oh, I heard a pop! I heard a pop! Is that bad? Do you know if that's bad? Oh, God! Oh, I live to dance! Ah.
Voila.
So glad no one heard me say that.
Gotcha.
Aw, this is incredible.
The account books have everything.
Dates, names, dollar amounts.
I can't wait to show this to Podolski.
I should probably slip in a Miley-Cyrus-told-you-so face real quick.
It's hard to do on the move.
Peralta, wait.
Santiago, give us a minute.
Sir? I need you to do something.
And it's gonna sound crazy, but it's important, and I need you to trust me.
So Detective Peralta Do you have any evidence you'd like to present on your behalf? No.
I have nothing.
Jake.
What happened? Did Holt ask you to get suspended? No, he told me to get fired.
Why? I don't know.
I'm kind of freaking out.
He said to do it, and the next thing I knew, I was just yelling.
And your mother! All of your mothers.
And your grandmothers.
And your grandmothers' little dogs.
Are you done? No, I'm not done! Aw, you're done! You can't handle the me! - Oh, my God.
- Peralta! Hey.
What's goin' on? This is special agent Clarke with the FBI.
FBI? We couldn't let you expose Lucas Wint.
It would've compromised a much larger ongoing federal investigation.
We believe that Wint has ties to the Ianucci crime family.
That's one of the best crime families.
We needed you to get fired for real because the Ianuccis have moles inside the NYPD, and we need them to trust you.
Detective, we'd like you to go undercover and help us with the investigation.
Okay, the answer is "yes.
" My name is Duncan buck.
I was raised on a oil rig by 90 men and 1 prostitute.
We'd like you to be yourself.
Even better.
This could be very dangerous.
- So please, take some time, and - No need.
I'm in.
Eyes closed, head first, can't lose.
I don't think that's the expression.
Can you just let me have this? What I'm about to tell you cannot leave this room.
Detective Peralta will be going in an undercover assignment with the FBI.
His cover story is that he was fired.
Oh, my God.
My heart just threw up.
Look, they're saying this assignment will last about six months, so while I'm gone, Boyle, I want you to have my desk.
I'll sit at it always.
Rosa, you can have my locker.
Sweet.
Amy, you can have all of my open cases.
Okay, that's enough.
Peralta doesn't have the authority to do any of this.
You will all sit at your own desk and work the cases I assign you.
But you will be missed.
Thank you, Captain.
Thank you for trusting me.
Okay, now call us all names and storm out of here for the benefit of the bullpen.
This is the best day ever.
I'll miss you guys.
And your mother! And your mother.
You're all a bunch of pigs! I smell bacon! And guess what else, "Captain"? You can take this tie and shove it straight into your hellhole! This whole place reeks of bacon.
And guess what? I'm going kosher 'cause Jake-y don't dig on swine! Whoo! All right, everyone.
I wanna make a toast.
To you guys.
You will never be Jake or Vivian, but at least you're here.
Ugh, I'm gonna go over by the bar where I can hear you worse.
Oh, I get it.
I'd abandon me too.
That's it.
Boyle, no more eggs.
You are drinking your troubles away.
Start with this.
I'm gonna get some bottles from the bar.
Make way! Large man helping his little friend.
Comin' through! You're so lucky you've never been through a painful breakup.
The only reason they haven't been painful is 'cause the guys were all losers.
I've never dated anyone good.
Hmm.
Like you.
Amy? Hey, thought I missed you.
Hey, Jake.
Amazing assignment.
I have to admit I'm a little jealous.
Really? Mm-hmm.
Well, if you want, I could help you get fired.
I'm really good at it.
Yeah.
This is real.
This is happening.
Look I don't wanna be a jerk.
I know you're dating Teddy, and it's going really well.
It's just What's going on? I don't know what's gonna happen on this assignment.
And if something bad goes down, I think I'd be pissed at myself if I didn't say this.
I kinda wish something could happen between us, romantic-styles.
And I know it can't 'cause you're with Teddy, and I'm going undercover, and that's just how it is.
But Anyway, we're not supposed to have any contact, so I should go.
America needs me.
Bye.
And another round for everyone on me! Thanks, buddy.
What's the occasion? Oh, I'm celebrating.
My name's Jake Peralta, and I just got fired from the NYPD.
I'm Leo Ianucci.
Nice to meet you.