Cougar Town s01e22 Episode Script

So, what did you do last night? I took advantage of a lonely, vulnerable woman.
Right, right, right.
Hey, did you like it when I kissed the back of your knee? Women don't know it, but that's a major erogenous zone.
- So sexy.
- I've been thinking about this a lot - Were you up all night, too? - Oh, no, I'm a guy.
By "a lot," I mean the five minutes I've been awake.
My bad.
Go on.
I don't make friends easily.
And this, this little group of ours - The cul-de-sac crew.
- Yeah, I'm not gonna call them that.
- This little group - The crew.
Right.
Well, it means a lot to me.
And our friendship means a lot to me.
- I don't want to mess that up.
- I don't either.
Maybe this should just be a one time deal.
Or, we could just be friends with benefits.
You snuck that in at the end, didn't you? Friends with benefits.
The ol' FWB.
That is the greatest male myth of our time.
I mean, that and our knees being an erogenous zone.
- It is.
- It's not.
It's a knee.
Do you want to know why FWB never works? - No.
- We're friends.
It can't be casual.
Friend-sex comes with feelings and baggage and someone always gets hurt.
- It's a horrible idea.
- [Laurie.]
Jules, it's coffee time! - Stay here.
I don't want them to know.
- But I love coffee time.
It's 7:45.
How come you're not down here already serving us? - Hey, gang! - Ah! Don't do that! Making coffee for my friends That's what they like in the morning [all laughing.]
- What? - You only sing-narrate your life - when you're hiding something.
- [Laurie.]
Let's play the admission game.
That's when friends admit stuff and it brings everyone much closer.
- I read about it in a magazine.
- What magazine? Fine.
It's just, I feel like people respect my ideas more when they think they came out of magazines.
Nope.
I'll go first because I got nothing to hide.
Ellie, last week I dropped Stan.
He got googly eyes for a second but they went right back.
Whatevs.
Once, while you were asleep, I kissed you on the forehead because I wanted you to have nice dreams.
I know.
I was awake.
- Feels like the game should be over.
- Come on.
Don't you guys want to get inside each other? That's what she said.
- Oh! [laughing.]
- Bing, bing, bing, bing! - So lame.
- Why won't that joke ever go away? We should steal it from them so they know how annoying it is.
Good luck, sister.
It's not that easy.
- It's never hard for me.
- That's what he said! - Whoo! - [Laughing.]
- [Mumbling.]
- Whoo-hoo! I don't like this.
Are we here to buy me a car for college? - [Chuckles.]
Good one, Trav.
- Thanks.
You know how I've been working odd jobs for extra cash? - I really gotta get to school.
- You will.
I just have to drop Mr.
Rockwell off at the mall first.
I'm gonna buy pants! I'm trying to scrape together enough dough to get my boat back in the water.
And as a promotion, this place is releasing a balloon with two thousand bucks in it.
Dad, you can't put all your financial hopes into balloon chasing.
I mean, you gotta keep buying those lottery tickets.
I'm just kidding, don't do that.
- What? - I want our joke back.
It's not your joke anymore.
I got you a present, but I'm not even going to give it to you now.
- Yes, you are.
- I know, I'm too excited.
I hired a nanny.
I know you're gonna say, "We don't need it," but it's only three days a week.
I thought it'd be nice for you to have some help around the house and not be tied down and so what do you think? Ellie That's the nicest thing you've ever done for me.
Stop.
It's just a tiny thing.
[Whispering.]
That's what he said.
You ruined it! You ruined my gift.
- Stop it.
- Nothing wrong with looking.
- I smell lovers.
- No, you don't, Barb.
The air's so thick with pheromones I can barely see.
Every hair on my body would be standing on end if I weren't shaved bald from here down.
I can't believe I'm getting a nanny.
I mean, I just had to put my ego aside and realize I can't do it all by myself.
- What do you do for a living? - Oh, corporate attorney.
[Chuckles.]
No, no, honey.
He's asking what you do now.
Not a hundred years ago.
She's very, very busy taking care of all of her children.
Oh! How many kids do you have? You only have one, don't you? Why would you do that to me? - For fun.
- So, I don't work and I have a nanny.
I don't have to be embarrassed.
[Gasps.]
After years of taking your abuse, I finally found your weak spot! - Jules, honey, I found her weak spot! - [Giggles.]
You mean that cheesy dolphin tattoo on her butt? You didn't mean that, did you? Well, she doesn't have one.
It's my spirit guide.
Hey, Jules, you left your sunglasses at the bar.
Thank you.
Two for two.
Ready? - Ten, nine - I'm here.
Let's do a "hands in.
" - Andy, there's no time! - [Groans.]
OK, hands in.
All right.
Remember, the money's in the red balloon.
Hurt people if you have to.
We can apologize later.
God help me, I enjoy you, Dad.
- All right, balloon! - Balloon! one.
Go get it! [Cheering.]
[Cheering stops, groaning.]
This was not well thought out.
OK, do you want to know why I think that we can pull off - being friends with benefits? - Hell yeah, I do.
- We're friends.
- We're friends.
- We can keep it casual.
- It can't be casual.
- Friend-sex is the most fun.
- Friend-sex comes with feelings someone always gets hurt.
- I mean We're smart enough not to make the same mistakes everyone else makes.
but they can't.
- It's a horrible idea.
- Let's do this.
Can't argue with that.
But one thing.
Let's still just keep this between us.
You are so right.
Oh good, you're done.
I got your text.
What? She doesn't count.
So you guys are actually gonna try it.
- The ol' FWB.
- [Jules.]
Yep.
No guilt.
No commitment.
Oh, wait.
How are we gonna know when it's, you know, going down? I could politely say, "Shall we?" OK, and if I'm in the mood, I can curtsey and say, "Indeed.
" - Very classy.
- What about post-sex cuddling? [Ellie.]
This one needs it.
She holds on like an otter trying to break open a clam.
- Ooh! - [Jules.]
That's why Ellie will be my surrogate afterglow partner.
Yay! So fun! I'm gonna otter the hell out of you.
I don't see the balloon.
Even if you did, how are we gonna lose everyone else? Come on, man, you think this is my first money balloon chase? OK, it is, but still I set up a diversion.
I got it! I got the balloon! [People groaning.]
Jules Cobb Real Estate.
For all your housing needs! - Hey.
- What was that about? I don't know.
Sometimes it's just easier to do what Bobby says and not ask questions.
- [Balloon pops.]
- [Screams.]
- What are you doing? - I'm sending Ellie pictures - of famous working moms.
- Laurie, that's too mean.
I was going to include you.
- Well, hold on a second.
- OK.
[Camera clicks.]
Marina? If you're part of some white baby-selling ring, don't waste your time.
Stan's Cuban, so he will not fetch a good price.
It must be hard for you to leave this muñequito.
It is.
But no Spanish.
So what time will you be home from work? Six.
I should have said five.
- What's with the outfit? - I work here now.
- I don't want to talk about it.
- OK.
What's in your briefcase? - Almonds and wine.
- No way! That's exactly what's in my briefcase.
Shall we? Indeed.
Milady.
But I just set up my office.
Where am I going to go? [Man.]
Ma'am, you cannot drink here.
You're kidding.
How do people get through the work day? [Gasps.]
Shh! It's not weird.
It's my baby.
[Gasps.]
And my husband.
Here, can you hold this for a second? - Oh! There it is! - Be cool, man.
If we all stare at the sky, people are gonna know.
We'll look up in shifts.
First me.
Travis.
Now Andy.
Now me.
Travis.
Andy.
Now me.
- Oh! - Ooh! - Go on without me! - You heard him.
Me.
You.
- Me.
You.
- This looks totally natural.
Me.
You.
OK.
Oh, my God.
I feel like we are so in sync lately.
I mean, seriously, I know what you're going to say as you say it.
- No, you don't.
- No, you don't.
OK, I was a little late, but I wasn't ready yet.
Say anything, and I'm gonna say it with you in exact unison.
- OK - OK - It's been a long day.
- Long day Mostly because the pressurization on the beer taps was broken.
I tried to fix it myself, but that's why I had to mop the whole place up.
floors.
What? - You're not good at this.
- I am, I'm just off my game.
- I am, I'm just off my game.
[Both gasp.]
- See, I'm good at this.
- [Scoffs.]
Now it feels like you're putting out a real relationship-y vibe.
Are you sure you can handle this? Because it's still early enough for us to just bail.
If we avoid each other for a week, I can totally forget I've seen you naked.
- Really? You could forget in a week? - I'd never forget, would I? Nice save.
Since Jules didn't answer at her house, I thought maybe she was over here with Ellie.
- No, Mrs.
Torres is at work.
- She told you she went to work? [Laughs.]
That is awesome news, Nanny.
See? I'm not always an otter.
Sometimes I just like to hold hands.
Grayson was right to be worried.
You can't keep doing this without getting attached.
Yes, I can.
Will you stroke my hair? - I have to go, thank God.
- Why? Well, because It's not you.
My work day is over.
But You are squeezing me very tight.
Oh! What a day, Marina.
Be glad you're not a lawyer.
Do you know that companies think they can get away with dumping chemicals in our water supply? Luckily, I can get anyone to talk.
All I have to do is flash a smile and put on a push-up bra Are you stealing the plot of Erin Brockovich? - What are you doing here? - I was just waiting for you.
But now, I am literally bathing in this moment.
Oh, gosh, it feels so good on my skin.
Nothing we can do tonight.
We'll bed down here, then at first light, we grab hard hats, couple mustaches, we'll shimmy on up there and grab it.
And why the mustaches? You ever seen a hard hat without a mustache under it? Uh No.
But, in my defense, I'm a sane person.
Gotta jam.
Going out dancing with the wife tonight.
Yeah.
Go Andy! We can't go dancing.
I sent the nanny home.
I don't want her.
So what am I supposed to do? Go shake it by myself? - That's what he said.
- That wasn't even subtle! There's an art to this! [Strums guitar.]
No strings attached No need to commit We're paling 'round While we're getting down We're friends with benefits Friends with benefits Horrible.
Well, you'll be singing it later.
I hope not, because it'll mean someone has a gun to my head.
- Hey, you want to stay for coffee? - Uh, not today.
All right, cool.
See you on the flip side.
What? People still say, "flip side.
" So, how was the boom-boom last night? That is so much worse than "flip side.
" I knew it when I said it.
We actually didn't even hook up.
We played penny-can.
It was so much fun.
- We came up with this new tickle rule.
- Did you? - Jules, you are so into him.
- Ellie, I've got this under control.
Mm-hm Look at him.
- Look at him, Jules.
- I don't want to.
I know you don't.
Because even though Grayson's right over there Say it, Jules.
It's like he's a million miles away.
Mm-hm! - Is he looking at me? - No.
- What about now? - No.
- What about now? - Yeah.
- Really? - No.
I feel like an idiot.
I'm gonna talk to him.
- No, because you can't be normal.
- Yes, I can.
Hey! You work that hose, bitch.
You're weird, Jules.
Weird like a fox.
- Oh, no, put the guns away.
- Damn these things! I hate them.
[Whispering.]
Trav, check it out! Why are we whispering? Because the balloon's right there and we don't want to spook it.
It's a balloon.
Now look what you did! Come on! Just tell him how you really feel.
Being open and honest is a firm Plan C.
Please don't tell me the other plans.
Plan A would just be continuing on with our friends with benefits thing forever.
Plan B is a little more intricate.
First, I have to make him feel insecure with a series of insult-compliments.
Like"I just love your beautiful, tiny eyes.
" Or"Your receding hairline really makes your tiny eyes pop.
" So you're gonna focus on the eyes? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Then, to strip what's left of his self-esteem, I'll fatten him up.
Once he's gained about that's when I cut him loose.
That fat bastard will beg to have me back.
Either I'll want him or I won't.
But the point is, it'll be my choice.
Well, I mean, it sounds like you have a lot of options.
- Lots.
- Not crazy at all.
God, no.
[Laurie.]
Hey, Andy.
Your nostrils look really mad.
Stop torturing Ellie about the nanny.
Look, the best thing to do when someone picks on you is to give them a taste of their own medicine.
I read that in a magazine, and I know what you're gonna say, but I really did read it in a magazine.
- I swear on my mother's life.
- What magazine? What kind of a friend wouldn't let that slide? Now my mom is gonna die, you murderer.
Do you know how hard it is for a man to find a gift for his wife that she thinks is for her, but is actually for him? Lingerie didn't work.
She saw right through that.
Oral sex class? Ha-ha! Huge mistake.
And, as it turns out, really insulting.
But the nanny? Ellie sees it as totally selfless.
But to me, it means being able to go out to dinner, or a movie or even dancing once in a while.
Do you know when the last time I went dancing was, Laurie? - Huh? Do you? - No! - This was still fresh.
- [80s music plays.]
How long are you gonna keep doing that? - [Cars honking.]
- Come back! Dad, it won't listen.
It's just a balloon! [Tires screeching.]
I'm gonna get you, baby, I'm gonna get you! Dad! Dad? Oh, thank God.
[Laughs.]
Wait, did you know there was another ledge here? No.
I may have gotten a little caught up in the moment.
You almost died, and for what? To get your dumb boat back in the water? Look, no more driving senior citizens around for cash, no more sleeping on benches.
Just no more, OK? Grow up, Dad.
Come on! How can you not laugh at that? - Hey, studly.
- Hey, what's up? I was just thinking about how we get to keep knocking it out and high five-ing afterwards, until we die.
I'm so psyched.
You just say, "Shall we?" No problem.
Shall we? Grayson, I can't do this.
No, that's where you say, "Indeed.
" I just, I want more.
I do.
I know what I said before, but that was, like, 18 hours ago.
And that was the old Jules.
The new Jules, she shoots from the hip.
Go away.
Look, the only reason that you and I didn't dive in is because we're scared.
I've been making so many decisions my whole life out of fear, I just don't want to do it anymore.
Come on, we like each other.
Let's do this.
Let's do this.
I don't know what you want me to say.
Just say"Why not?" So how'd it go? Too soon? Just give him some time.
He probably just thinks this isn't what he signed up for.
- That's what he said.
- I don't get it.
No, that's actually what he said.
[Groans.]
Well, that's twice I've found you in here.
I'm buying bear spray.
I was just teasing about the nanny, you wuss.
Look I want to tell you something, but you can't tell Jules.
I'm intrigued.
- You're kind of my hero.
- No, thank you.
OK, not you personally.
But you have everything.
A great house, great family, fancy old lady clothes.
The dirty secret is, I want your life, not Jules'.
She works like a dog.
I'll tell you what, if I do marry Smith, Jules is gonna walk into the office one day, look over at my chair and there's just going to be a puff of smoke.
And when I have a baby, I'm going to hire, like, a five person parenting team who will wear uniforms I design.
Are you trying to say thank you? You're welcome.
Get dressed, woman.
Whoo-hoo! We're going out! - Let's go get some dinner.
- Sure, why not.
Great.
Shall we? - Can you ask me another way? - [Door opens.]
- What? - [Bobby.]
Hello.
I'll go, too, if you're driving.
No way! I know I've been too broke to do as much for you as your mom, but I didn't want you to go off to college without a car.
- Wha! - If we'd gotten that balloon, I could've given her a new paint job and fixed those bullet holes.
This is all your dad's doing.
He's been working extra jobs for months.
- Man, now I feel like a tool.
- I know.
Makes it even more delicious.
Now, you want to take this panty-dropper for a spin? Yeah, but I want one thing.
[Screaming.]
[Tires screeching.]
Hey.
Why did you do that? Why not? Thanks for getting me the mustache, guys.
I haven't had one since eighth grade.
You look like Dom DeLuise and Burt Reynolds' love child.
[Snickers.]
Hey, I got a great idea.
I say we make a man pact and wear these for a month.
I mean, I wouldn't call that a "great" idea, but hey, why not? I'm down.
Well, I'll give it a shot, fellas, but once Ellie sees this, she's gonna make me take it off.
She loves this face too much.
What's that on your face? What is this thing on my face? I've had it on for a week! A week! Seriously? Calm down.