Dan Vs. (2010) s01e22 Episode Script

Hey, you kids! Either show me your vendor permits or get out of my spot! So, what seems to be the problem here, mister? Yeah, mister.
What's the problem? - Quiet, Moose.
- Sorry, boss.
Hey, kids.
I don't mean to run you out of business, but you're kind of in my spot.
So, I need to run you out of business.
Or at least have you move.
- We were here first.
- Yeah, first.
- Moose.
- Right, sorry.
Well, technically, I was here first.
I live here.
This is where I park.
Not anymore.
I-- uh I have no answer for that.
Children, can't live with them, can't hunt them for sport.
Hey, mister.
Lemonade? I don't want any.
I just want to go home.
Out of the way, irksome urchins.
I wasn't asking.
You're going to buy a cup of lemonade before you can pass.
Don't you threaten me, kid.
I-- ahh! - Hey! - That'll be $1.
25.
$1.
25?! - That's outrageous! - Pay up! Or Large Harold here will give you the deepest, longest-lasting charley horse you've ever had.
I call it a Charles horse.
First of all, I don't carry cash.
Second of all-- ahh! You'll pay for this, you hooligans.
Did you just call us hooligans? Get off me! You ankle-biting meatballs! - Hello? - I'm bruised and sticky! - Dan? - Who else? Get over here, I have a major problem with minors.
"lf you know what's good for you, don't mess with The Lemonade Stand Gang.
Signed, The Lemonade Stand Gang.
" Those little beasts! LEMONADE STAND GANG!!! Hello? Dan? Is everything okay? Who is it? It's Chris.
Who is this? Did they see you come up here? Well, I bought this lemonade from them.
And they are right down-stairs.
So, probably.
- Don't drink that poison! - Hey! Hey, nothing.
Why are you supporting those rapscallions? Well, they were pretty aggressive, but I was quite thirsty anyways, so, you know, I bought some.
Aggressive? They're a violent gang of unrepentant thugs.
They're practically corn children.
Look what they did to my window.
I'm pretty sure that was already broken.
Look at what they did to me! My poor tender skin is all bruised up.
So, what do you want me to do? I want you to go down there and crush them! Crush them with your big, strong hands.
Yeah, okay.
I'm not going to assault a group of children.
They're not children.
They're a wee, organized crime organization.
All right, well, you know, that's great and all, but I have dinner plans with the wife, so, you know bye.
Where are you going? Get back here, coward! Hey, mister.
- Lemonade? - No, thanks, buddy.
- I just bought one, remember? - I do not.
Do you remember this guy buying anything? I don't remember nothin', boss.
Watch your double negatives, Moose.
Sorry, boss.
Okay, kids.
This has been fun, but I have to go.
Come on, kids.
I-- ahh! Hey! Look, you can't just bully people like this, you little hooligan.
What did you call us? Dolores! Look, why can't you just leave me alone? Hey, honey.
What took you so long to get ho-- oh, my gosh! Chris! - What happened to your shins? - I was attacked.
- Mugged? - Uh, sort of.
There are these kids outside Dan's place who set up a lemonade stand.
What's funny? I'm sorry, it's just-- no, never mind.
- Sorry, go on.
- Why are you laughing? - I can barely walk.
- Nothing is funny.
Come on.
Tell me what happened.
Well, Dan said they attacked him.
And I didn't believe him at first.
- Because it's ridiculous? - Exactly.
And then when I left his place, they tried to force me to buy another lemonade.
I said, no, thanks.
And they surrounded me and went to town on my shins! - Fine.
Just make fun.
- Oh, no.
Sweetheart, I'm sorry, but you got beat up by kids? Not beat up, just kicked a lot! Besides, it's not like I'm going to fight a bunch of children.
Oh, listen.
Why don't I get you an ice pack? It's not funny! Come on, war board.
You're supposed to inspire.
Hi, this is Chris.
Voice mail?! lnconceivable! And I'm not in right now.
Please leave a message.
Chris, where are you? You were supposed to be here six minutes ago.
I'm giving you five more minutes and then we're through! Through forever! Do you hear me?! Through! Some people are just so inconsiderate.
I don't want any lemonade! Just leave me alone! Then give us your shoes! Officer! You've got to help me.
Those kids are chasing me.
They're extorting the neighborhood and they physically assaulted me.
- Is this true, kids? - No, sir.
We run a lemonade stand and he forgot to pay.
We're trying to raise money to get surgery for Dolores.
I'm not well, sir.
Well, that's just awful.
And you were trying to steal lemonade from these sweet little angels? I ought to arrest you right now.
No, you don't understand! Move along, sir, before I move you along.
Get me? Talking to the cops? Not smart.
No one likes a tattletale.
Oh, well, that's, uh-- hey, look! Ice cream man! See you real soon, mister.
Hey! There's no ice cream man! - Password? - Just let me in.
Is that a kid doing a Chris impression? Dan, it's me.
They're right behind me.
Please, open up.
All right, if you're the real Chris, do you prefer crispy bacon or chewy bacon? Who cares? I just love bacon! - What took you so long? - I was attacked again! - By those kids, right? - Who else would be attacking me? I don't know.
You're pretty ill-tempered and quick to anger.
I just assumed you have lots and lots of enemies.
Don't give me a hard time.
I got enough of that from Elise last night at dinner.
Well, it's like I always say, Elise is a jerk.
She's not a jerk.
And you're missing the point.
I'm trying to tell you, you were right about those kids, okay? Yeah, they're jerks.
Don't worry though, I'm working on a plan.
- Hey! You're involved! - What kind of plan? - Fear.
- Fear? Fear when wielded by the proper hand can be a powerful weapon.
Now, what is the one thing all children fear? Crazy Aunt Mildred chained up in the basement.
Uh, I said all children.
Oh, clowns.
Close.
Monsters.
Put this on.
No.
Not again.
I got most of the ammonia out.
- That still doesn't-- - You said you were hot.
Look, we can go back and forth about who dumped what on whom because the labels were misread in haste, or we could get back at some pint-sized hooligans.
Your choice.
This costume is hot.
I'm sweating buckets.
Quit complaining.
I still can't believe I have to be the one in the costume.
Bigger monsters are scarier.
Now, climb up there and tell him if he doesn't shut down the lemonade stand, you'll drag him off to Monsterland.
Do me proud, monster Chris.
What is it, like 100Вє in here? Timmy? Just have a little more homework to do, Mom.
Homework? It's summertime.
Yeah, but if I don't finish my summer reading list, I won't be ready for September.
That's my little prince.
Well, don't work too hard.
Even overachievers need their sleep.
Hi, Mrs.
Fitzpatrick.
Is Dolores there? Thank you.
Dolores.
Timmy.
I want to talk to you about the lemonade stand receipts.
They're short.
Don't give me that "business is slow" nonsense.
You go out there and you make it happen.
Otherwise, I'll think you're skimming.
You said you would be a good earner, Large Harold.
I don't want any more excuses, I want numbers! - Timmy? - Got to go.
Come on, Tiger.
Those teeth won't brush themselves.
What is taking so long? He's still not in bed and I need water.
We are not deviating from the plan.
I'm so dehydrated, I'm about to pass out.
Just stick to the plan.
Dan.
Dan.
I can't take another minute in this costume.
I got you "The New Adventures of Population Control Johnny.
" Thanks, Mom.
Don't stay up too late.
Finally.
So thirsty.
Timmy? Timmy, I told you to go to-- Mom? It's a misunderstanding! Never send a Chris to do a Dan's job.
lncompetent.
Stop! It's me.
Get everyone together, now.
You should be ashamed of yourself.
Don't worry, I am.
For many, many reasons.
It was a simple plan! You turned it into some weird monster streaker thing.
The costume was sweltering.
And you wouldn't let me out of there.
So, you didn't accomplish the mission, but you did terrorize an innocent lady in her own home.
I'm ashamed to call you my minion.
I'm not your minion.
Hello? Hey, it's getting late.
Where are you? - Uh, nowhere.
- What does that mean? Your husband's a monster streaker! - Dan, would you please be quiet? - What's a monster streaker? It's nothing.
Dan, just, uh I did see something on the news about a guy terrorizing the neighborhood in a monster mask.
That wasn't me.
Chris, what's going on? It's, well, it's those kids I told you about.
The fifth graders? They're almost sixth graders.
Goodnight, Chris.
Put some pants on.
I know, buddy.
But, yeah.
Let's stop so you can put your pants on.
Come on.
We need to plan our next move.
I'm thinking maybe my next move is to pretend that this never happened.
Summer is over soon, the kids will go back to school and-- hey, why is your street deserted? This doesn't look good.
Ow! My foot! Let's get inside, quickly! Chris, get up! We've got to get out of here! Can't move.
Save yourself.
No, no man left behind-- This is the way I always thought I'd go.
- Really? - Well, I mean they're not zombie kids, but basically.
Wallets.
Now.
What? You're mugging us? I blame cartoons.
You come after us, we come after you.
You got me? Wallets! Next time you mess with us, you'll lose more than your money.
All right, move out.
This is why I'm never having children.
They will regret this.
I don't see how.
They're meaner than us, they have no sense of ethics holding them back, and they out-match us in guerrilla warfare.
So what? You're just going to give up and go home? I didn't say that.
I can't face Elise like this.
She's already lost respect for me because I wouldn't beat up children.
She can be so cruel.
- So, how do we win? - Easy, buddy.
We sink to their level.
I don't even know how we do that.
Wait here until I get my hatchet.
Destroy it.
Go nuts.
- But it's a kid's bike.
- Exactly.
He's going to have to pick on someone closer to home.
I mean, he's not going to walk to our neighborhood.
I don't know.
Well, think of his sad little face when he wakes up tomorrow morning and sees what we've done.
That's just mean.
Chris, channel your anger.
Remember how your shins felt yesterday? - Yeah.
- And how did it feel to get run over? - Not good.
- And the humiliation of being mugged by an 11-year-old? That made me mad! Then show it! Let go, Chris! I suggest on that bike.
Yes.
Yes, my evil apprentice.
What have I become? You have become an avatar of Nemesis, the Greek goddess of retribution.
Welcome to the fraternity, brother.
I won't do this anymore.
- I'm not a monster.
- Fine! Drive me around, I'll do the rest.
Wienie.
Only Ninja Dave's makes lactose-free chocolate chip cookies.
- Uh-huh.
- What's wrong, buddy? - We won.
- We didn't win.
Not in the moral sense.
But we won in the practical sense, which is the only sense that matters.
Yeah, but they're just kids.
Even if they are hooligans, I don't feel good about wrecking their bikes.
Eh, we taught them a lesson.
- It takes a village, Chris.
- I don't know.
How would you like it if someone destroyed your property? I guess you can answer that question for both of us.
Hello? They did what?! Seriously? The lemonade stand kids did this? I told you they were bad kids.
They will all disappear.
No one will ever know what became of them, except maybe in a weapons factory in North Korea where their tiny hands will be put to work assembling-- - Wait, what? - They destroyed our car.
Don't you see? I took the low road with Dan and look where it got us.
Maybe you just didn't take it low enough.
That's what I've been saying.
Here's what I've learned from tonight.
When you take the low road, you force the other guy to go lower.
And that makes you go lower and so on.
That's pretty much how it works.
Whoever goes lowest first wins.
No, we're better than this.
No more destruction.
- What?! - I'm not better than this.
No destruction! Fine.
Let's give the baby his bottle.
This is why the other boys pick on him.
Go.
Go, my minion.
I'm not your minion.
Well, well, well.
If it isn't the guy with no car.
I'm here to make peace.
We're not interested.
Yeah, so scram! - Moose! - What? How come I don't get to express my opinions? It undermines the dramatic effect of my statements.
- Oh.
- Look, I tried it Dan's way for a little bit and I didn't like myself very much.
Huh, we don't like you much either.
We've all done things we regret, haven't we? - Nope.
- Uh-uh.
Uh, I ate a frog once.
So let's stop treating each other like enemies and be friends.
- Ow! - See, mister, it's like this.
Life is a zero-sum game.
If you want something, you have to take it from someone else.
That's not true.
You can-- Ow! Not my shins again.
Guys, the shins.
Ow! Stop it! Ow! Now I've got you! Get him! I want that tape! Much better.
There it is.
And I'd just like to thank the wonderful efforts of-- May I have the floor for a moment? I'm a local resident who has been terrorized by a group of juvenile delinquents.
Here's footage of The Lemonade Stand Gang throwing lemonade on an elderly lady.
And here's them kicking a citizen unmercifully in the shins.
And here's them kicking a citizen unmercifully in the shins.
Is that my Timmy? And if you look outside right now, you can see them destroying a car.
Timmy! Stop that at once! Mom? Uh, I can explain.
Is this what you've been doing? Vandalism? Extortion? I wondered how your lemonade stand was making $1,000 a week.
- Mom.
- Well, no more! All that money is going to charity.
No! - We were set up! - It was all Timmy's idea! I regret nothing! I have to say, Chris, you were right.
We didn't need to sink to their level.
We just needed to get smarter.
I'm sorry that your car got wrecked.
A master chess player knows which piece to sacrifice and when.
I heard that Timmy and his goons got sent off to military school.
Wait, won't they just come back even more dangerous? Well, I suggested reform school, but the parents wouldn't go for it.
Stupid parents.
They're what's wrong with America.
Actually, when I was hiding in the kid's closet, I got the sense that his mom was involved in his life and really encouraging him to succeed.
That's the problem! My parents had the right idea, they let TV raise me.
And I turned out super-duper.
Let it go.