Doogie Howser, M.D. (1989) s01e22 Episode Script

I never knew it could be like this.
Nobody ever kissed me the way you do.
Nobody? No, nobody.
I never knew it could be like this.
Nobody ever kissed me the way you do.
Nobody? No, nobody.
Your lips are all wet and spongy.
It's really disgusting.
What is this, Janine? Shh! When it gets down to any physicality whatsoever, you give me the cold shoulder.
Yeah, that's accurate.
Well, what's the story? We're just friends? I don't like you enough to be friends.
Someday, way in the future, we may work ourselves up to being friends.
Well, I've had it with you.
This relationship is history.
Vinnie, wait.
Yeah? Don't take the popcorn.
"Don't take the popcorn!" I should have took the popcorn.
I paid for it.
Do you believe she said that? Doog, I just made an important decision.
As of this moment, Vincent delpino is choosing a life of total and complete celibacy.
How's that different from Vincent delpino's life till now? Up till now, I've had celibacy thrust upon me.
In the future, I'll be denying sex to myself.
So now you'll be in the power position.
Exactly.
I'm finished with women.
I'm no longer a slave to my hormones.
Who is that girl? Pardon me, father delpino, but what happened to your vow of complete and total celibacy? It wasn't a lifestyle that worked for me.
Her name is Bernadette Callen.
She lost her eyesight in a car accident.
She's waiting for a corneal transplant.
Where are you going? She's the perfect woman for me.
She's blind.
Vinnie, you can't go around harassing the patients.
Dr.
howser, can we see you a minute? Right away.
Come on, introduce me.
Let go of my jacket.
Hi, Bernadette.
Hi, doogie.
I got my beeper.
They'll beep me when they get a donor cornea.
If that happens while you're off-duty, does that mean that you won't be there? Suddenly, i smell garlic.
We're very close to the cafeteria.
Don't worry, I'll be there.
I left strict instructions that when they beep you, they should beep me.
That makes me feel better.
It must be your age or something.
You make me feel a lot more comfortable.
Doog.
Well, look who dropped by.
Bernadette, I'd like you to meet my lifelong chum Vinnie delpino.
Well, hello there, Bernadette.
So, uh, I hear you're blind.
Vinnie! It's ok.
It's people that are afraid to say the word that make me crazy.
Delpino.
What is that, sicilian, or is that neapolitan? It's Italian.
We both like to laugh.
Are we a pair? Your mother's bringing the car around.
I'll take you to the side entrance.
It's ok.
I'll take her.
Can I offer you my arm? Sure.
Ok.
Let's go.
Bernadette, you think I'm funny in a hospital, you ought to hear me on a date.
I am a riot.
Don't you think you're moving fast? I'd love to go out on a date.
Being blind is, like, totally boring.
How about this Saturday? No way.
Since the accident, my parents are completely paranoid.
They won't trust me with anybody.
Vincent delpino knows exactly what it takes to impress a girl's parents.
Hi.
Bernadette, your date's here.
Her mother and I are happy she's going out with you.
It's alive.
Come on, don't be afraid.
What is it, a dog? Yes, a six-foot dog.
You see those every day.
Vinnie, this is scary.
Wanna stop? It isn't going to bite me, is it? Let me look at its fangs.
It doesn't have fangs.
I know what it is.
It's a llama.
Close.
It's a goat with a long neck.
Vinnie.
Ok, her name is Lois.
She's a friend of mine.
How did you ever think of this? Well, I figured you'd be a lousy bowler.
Thank you.
This is the nicest thing anyone's done for me since the accident.
Yes! Let's get you to the hospital.
Let's go.
I'll be right back.
Honey, it's mom.
Notify Dr.
Montgomery we're here.
Get a cbc and lytes.
When did you last eat? It's been six hours.
Anesthesia's waiting.
Everything's going to be fine.
Don't worry.
Wait.
Vinnie? Yeah, yeah.
I'm right here.
Who's this guy? Come on, honey.
Let's go.
Hey! I know you want me, curly.
I can see it in your eyes.
But life's been cruel to you.
I'm out of circulation.
I don't know how I'm gonna get over this.
Lunch, curly? Sure.
He's just a cheap substitute.
 huh.
Poor kid.
Doogie.
Hi, vin.
Be careful next time.
So, uh, how's Bernie today? Her bandages come off tomorrow, and there's a 90% chance she'll see again.
I had a dream about her.
She was just this big beautiful floating head.
Usually when I dream about a girl, she's just a big body with no head.
Except when it's Janine, then she's just a big mouth.
Sounds like you're in love.
You really think so? Why not? I don't know.
I thought i was too shallow.
Now, I always knew you had it in you, slick.
Hi, Bernie.
Vinnie.
Hiya, Bernie.
School's over already? Already? You didn't have to sit through seventh period English.
Mrs.
harbin's on a Shakespeare kick.
We're reading Romeo and Juliet.
You'll probably think I'm real dorky, but I love that play.
Could you read some of it to me? All those thous and whereforths and stuff? Wouldn't you rather listen to music? If I listen to whitesnake one more time, I'll need an ear transplant, too.
But if you decide to laugh, remember, I'm not above pinching a blind girl.
Let's see.
Ahem.
"But soft! What light through yonder window breaks? It is the east, and Juliet is the sun.
" Juliet isthe sun.
"Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, "who is already sick and pale with grief, "that thou her maid art far more fair than she.
"Be not her maid, since she is envious.
"Her vestal livery is but sick and green "and none but fools do wear it.
"Cast it off.
It is my lady, o, it is my love!" "O, that she knew she were!" Vinnie? This is hot stuff, huh? I told you.
This guy really had it bad for her.
Yeah.
Too bad.
They were star-crossed lovers.
Star-crossed? What's that? It wasn't in their stars to be together.
Their love was doomed.
They never had a chance.
Oh.
Come in.
Mrs.
howser, i got to know something.
It's very important.
What is it, Vinnie? Do you find me attractive? Attractive? In what sense? I mean sexually attractive.
Uh Could you be more specific? Mrs.
howser, please.
My guts are hanging out here.
Vinnie, look, lots of boys find themselves attracted to Unattainable women, a teacher, a friend's parent All of a sudden, are you, like, I'm wearing elevator shoes.
What do you think? Do they add to my sexual ambience? That's the s-word many too many times here.
Vinnie, there can never be anything between us.
Ever, ever, ever.
I can't stress ever too much.
Well, it's not you, Mrs.
howser.
Oh.
I'm sorry.
I just naturally assumed Well, I mean, not naturally, but Who is it? I'm in love with a beautiful blind chick.
Doogie's patient? Oh, that's wonderful.
Sure, as long as she's blind.
But today she'll see me.
I'm worried she won't like how I look.
I mean, I'm no hunk.
If she can't see you're a wonderful guy Not the "he's got a great personality" routine.
Well, you do.
Listen, there are lots of things besides looks that make a man desirable A good sense of humor, sensitivity.
I got those.
I was attracted to Dr.
howser because of his passion for his work.
So that explains it.
Anyway The problem is some girls have to grow up a little before they can appreciate those other qualities.
And if Bernadette is one of those girls It might hurt.
So I just have to take my chances.
Mm-hmm.
Thanks, Mrs.
h.
And try to remember this isn't your only chance.
You're going to find love many times in your life in the most unexpected places.
Anything else? Yeah.
It'll probably take a moment or two for your eye to focus.
Don't be upset if things seem blurry at first.
Doogie? Yeah.
You're so cute.
Thank god.
Thank you.
Where's Vinnie? What honey? I want to see Vinnie.
Where's Vinnie? Over here.
How you doing? You're Vinnie? Hi.
Well, uh, look Um I got my car double-parked and You probably got things you want to look at, so maybe I'll see you later.
Vinnie, she's under lots of stress in there.
It's a confusing time for her.
You and I both saw it.
She don't want me.
Just give her a chance.
She don't want one.
That cornea's healing beautifully.
We'll do your other eye soon.
You've got great hair.
Thanks.
All I do is blow-dry it once in the morning.
Ahem.
Hi, Vinnie.
Hello.
It's after visiting hours.
I'm just going to be a minute.
She needs her rest, sport.
How's the new eyeball? It's great.
They say my vision's going to get even better.
That's good.
You know, Bernadette, it's not right to string somebody along.
Sometimes you got to hurt their feelings.
Vinnie, I'm So that's why I'm here.
We've been having what I'd call a hospital romance.
Like people meeting during a war.
Something about the excitement makes their feelings seem real strong.
When the war's over I'm really glad we feel the same way.
I hope I fall in love with somebody as nice as you.
That would be great.
Vinnie.
Want to kiss me goodbye? Uh, better not.
It'll just make it harder for you.
I'm really glad you can see again.
Honest.
Come on, doog.
Put it up.
Put it up.
Hook shot.
Come on, shoot.
Would you shut up? My strategy is to dazzle you with my mouth work.
Try to get it away.
Ho, ho.
Ho, ho, ho, ho.
I'm sick of this.
I need some male bonding.
Can't you talk about your feelings without us having to sweat together? No words describe how I feel.
Try.
Ok.
I feel like she punched a hole in my chest, ripped out my heart, sliced it, diced it, put it through a blender, and set it on fire.
There you go.
That was good.
Oh, yeah, that was soothing.
I'm a new man.
I wish I never met that girl.
It's kinda your fault for introducing me.
Vinnie, usually with girls, you're a lecherous, insensitive, pushy, feel-copping, horn dog.
Yeah, that's correct.
But you acted differently with Bernie.
Instead of trying to get what you could get, you tried making her happy.
That's what love is.
You were good at it.
Didn't do me much good.
You never know.
It may come in handy sometime.
Hi, doogie.
Hi, Vinnie.
Well, hi, Janine.
Mind if I talk to Vinnie alone? No.
I'll go to my I can't go to my room.
I'll go to somebody else's room.
So, uh, what are you doing around here, slumming? Your mother said you were here.
There's a movie at the fox I thought you'd like to see.
The incredible shrinking man.
No offense.
Wait.
You're asking me to a movie? Why? I know this is going to sound Bizarre.
But I missed you.
You missed me? Go ahead.
Rub it in.
Did you miss my grabby hands or my spongy lips? Do you think I'm happy about this? I'm not.
I've searched for a reason, and I don't understand it, either.
All I know is I found out you had a date with this other girl, and I was jealous.
You were jealous? Are you going to repeat everything I say? What should we do about these warm feelings? Are you going to puke on me? Uh-uh.
Wow.
So Does this mean we're going together? Yes.
It's really going to kill my reputation, but Yes.
Then let's go to the movies.
Careful, Janine.
Oh, darling, could you lend me a couple of bucks for the movie?