Evening Shade s01e22 Episode Script

Hi.
Hey, Woodrow.
Yo.
Want to see me pull a rabbit out of my hat? What? Want to see me pull a rabbit out of my hat? Oh, it-it's his wisdom tooth again.
His mouth is full of numbing gel.
Why don't you go to a dentist? I'm afraid of doctors.
Well, you shouldn't be.
All doctors are not like you, you know.
Do you know, Herman Stiles called us and said he wants us to be in that carnival that's raising money for the elementary school library.
We told him we'd do our magic show again this year.
Ooh.
I thought you guys swore off magic ever since that unfortunate incident with the doves.
No, everyone overreacted to that.
How was I to know that they couldn't get any oxygen down there in that secret compartment? Herman, hi.
How you doing? Hi.
Hi.
I'm not doing so hot.
I got female problems.
Oh, how is that possible? Do you have problems with Margaret? Did you get her in trouble, boy? Hey, how dare you even suggest such a thing! Maybe you'd like to step outside.
I'm sorry.
I didn't mean anything by it.
What? His mouth is numb.
Oh.
Mm.
Well, I mean, you two have been seeing a lot of each other.
Yeah, well, that's the problem.
I'm thinking it's time Margaret and me moved this relationship on to the next step.
Oh, yeah? You're gonna start calling each other by your first name? Very funny.
No, I just think after a while, a man can expect certain things.
Well, I mean, that is a very big step.
You've only been dating a couple weeks.
Well, dating is the step that I'm talking about moving on to.
I mean, I see a lot of her, but she won't actually say that she's going out with me.
I mean, she'll invite me over, I'll get myself all spruced up, but then we'll end up doing her income taxes or waxing her floors.
And I don't know, but I'm getting sick and tired of looking at receipts and buffing hardwood.
Something better give soon, or I'm gonna throw the towel in and call Chuck Woolery.
Well, maybe Margaret needs to, like, ease into it a little bit.
I know what.
Why don't you ask her if she'd like to go to Jonesboro with you some night on an errand? And then about halfway there, you run out of gas.
Oh, you know, that used to happen to us all the time.
No, I think what you need is some step that's between dating and what you're doing now.
I know.
We should give a dinner party and invite the two of you.
Oh, that's perfect.
What do you think, Wood? I don't know.
There's a motel out on the Interstate, you know, that runs those X-rated movies.
Why don't you go there? Don't you listen to him.
I think the dinner's a much better idea, and we'll have it at our house.
Oh, are you sure? Look, I don't want you to go to all that trouble.
You're trying to get ready for your new baby.
Don't worry about anything.
I'll-I'll take care of everything.
And I'll-I'll find a real good romantic theme.
Margaret's not real big on romance.
It makes her a little jumpy.
All right, we won't make it romantic.
We'll make it just casual among friends.
Are you sure about this? Yeah.
Yeah.
If all else fails, we'll just slap some Aramis on and play strip poker.
Now, I want the refreshments assembled in the area of their consumption by 6:30.
Okay.
Look, Margaret, uh, can-can I ask you about something? Well, is it concerning the carnival? No.
Well, then just table it.
We've got a lot of ground to cover.
Now-Now what is this booth here? That's for Dr.
Harlan Elldridge.
Oh, I don't want him doing those magic tricks again.
I'll never forget the faces on those little children when he threw those unconscious doves in the air.
They just plummeted like rocks.
Well, I mean, I've already given him a booth.
What am I supposed to do? Well, he's a doctor.
Maybe he could take people's blood pressure.
Oh, yeah, that's a great idea for a booth at a carnival.
I can just see people lined up outside for blocks, saying, "Oh, why bother with a dunking booth or a cakewalk "when we can be whooping it up over at the blood pressure test?" Mr.
Stiles, I'd like to think there is something that we could find Dr.
Elldridge to do that won't give little children nightmares.
All right, I'll talk to him.
Fine.
Thank you.
All right, well, the rest of the plans are fairly clear.
Do you have any questions? Yeah.
Are you busy Thursday night? Oh, all right.
I can see you're not gonna be able to concentrate until we get this matter behind us.
As a matter of fact, I was planning to take down my storm windows and clean them.
I thought you might want to help me.
Well Wood and Ava are having this little dinner party, and we're invited.
Mr.
Stiles, are you completely irresponsible? It's already Tuesday, and you're just now asking about Thursday.
Well Margaret, can't you relax a little? It's not like I'm asking you to go out and buy a gown.
Well, what do you mean, we're invited? Nobody said anything to me.
I'm saying something right now.
Oh.
You mean I'm invited if I go with you.
Is that what I am now, just part of your harem? Mar My It's just a casual invitation from a friend, Mar Look, if you want to go, fine.
If you don't want to go, don't go.
I just thought it might be kind of fun, that's all.
You don't have to spend every one of your waking hours obsessing about work.
I don't spend every one of my waking hours obsessing about work.
Who else is gonna be there? Harlan and Merleen Elldridge.
All right, I'll do it.
Oh, good.
I need to go over a few budget items with Dr.
Elldridge, anyway, before next week's school board meeting.
Nice to see you're learning to kick back.
Harlan, why don't you get some drinks, and I'll pass out the berets? I got something special for you here, you know.
This is Wiederkehr champagne.
It was made right here in Arkansas.
Oh, yeah, I read about that stuff.
That's funny, isn't it? Arkansas home of "Woo pig sooie" and fine champagne.
Oh.
None for me.
I know.
I know.
Margaret, here's one for you.
Oh, no, I shouldn't.
I don't really drink.
Oh, come on.
You got to have a little tiny sip.
What the hell is that? That is a tidbit tree.
Now we couldn't find yours, so we brought one of ours.
Now, go ahead and eat.
There's a bunch of bologna and cheese, and over here is capicola salami.
I hope that you all like these.
I wanted to serve escargot, but I-I couldn't find a single decent snail in town.
So, well, these are mock escargot.
They're made out of pork.
I think I'll pass.
You want one? No, thank you.
Well, I just love 'em, and you can eat the shells, too.
Corn chips.
Oh, don't they look sweet sitting there together? Yeah.
Yeah, you do make a very cute couple.
Oh, thanks.
We're a hit.
Well, since this is such a- a romantic night, Wood, would you make a toast? Oh.
Sure.
Well, kids, here's hoping you have a hundred and one years together a hundred years of fooling around and one year of repentance.
I hope that you two cherish these moments.
To me, this is the best part of a relationship those early days when the world is a wild, crazy place, and-and you're just dizzy all the time.
Well, how could you tell the difference, Merleen? Oh, we We know exactly how that feels, don't we? Well, maybe you do, but I like to keep both my feet on the ground.
Well, you know, the beginning is great, but-but later on is even better.
You know, when you really get to know each other, and even the little things mean a lot, like picking out towels together.
Yeah, that always gets me.
Of course you're all missing that one couple that have been going together for so long, they're bored and miserable, and to the point that where one of them walks out on a frozen lake one dark December night with a gun in his hand, puts it to his head and blows his brains out all over the ice.
Let's eat.
You know, we really ought to get us one of these for when we do our dinner.
What do you mean, our dinner? Well, I think it's polite to pay people back, you know.
I was thinking maybe next month over at your house since it's bigger than mine.
You know, this really is delightful.
Could I trouble you for just a smidge more? Well, Harlan and I are thinking of taking a little trip to North Carolina.
Are you okay? Well, yeah, sure I am.
Why wouldn't I be? I think that's a great idea, Merleen.
We-We went there, and that is the most beautiful state.
I mean, those Smokey Mountains are breathtaking.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Oh, do you know that Grandfather Mountain has the world's highest swinging bridge? Sorry.
Are you sure you're okay? Hell, yes.
Well, I mean, yes, thank you.
Why of course.
Merci.
Why do they call them rolls? I beg your pardon? Rolls.
You don't roll them.
You butter 'em, so why don't they call them "butters"? You know, I have always wondered the same thing.
Yeah, I bet you have.
You know, if you're beginning to think like Merleen, maybe we better cut you off.
Uh-uh.
Not if I got to sit through this swinging bridge story.
Margaret! I'm sorry.
It must just be the champagne talking.
It's sayin', "Drink me.
Drink me.
Drink me!" Boy, that girl is swacked.
Honey, maybe we better do something.
I know.
Why don't I go get the video camera? Wood Newton? Hmm? I had a dream about you last night.
Really? It was Mardi Gras, and you'd booked us into the honeymoon suite.
And then you sent out for two dozen raw oysters.
Ooh.
I'm gonna have some more pork.
Oh.
Okay.
You know, Merleen, this dinner's fantastic.
Mm.
Oh, thank you.
You know, this is a very romantic evening.
Yeah.
Yeah.
With the candles and everything like that.
I Don't you think this is a romantic evening, Margaret? Oh, yes.
Yes, it is just wonderful.
I mean, it is so good.
I mean, now now what what do you call this? Oh, duck I'orange.
Well, I like it.
I do.
All except for this, uh, I'orange stuff.
But do you know what? I'll just wash it off.
Oh, that's much better.
Oh, hey, hey, hey, let's tell jokes.
Uh, we should do something.
I couldn't stop her with a stun gun.
What is the difference between a wife and a watermelon? Oh, Margaret, uh, let's walk Let's walk it off, huh? No, no, wait.
I haven't heard this story.
Shh.
Where are we going? We're just going for a little walk.
It'll be okay.
Oh, walk, nothing.
Let's dance! Hey, what is this, a party or a morgue? Margaret! She doesn't mean anything by that.
Oh, don't you give me that innocent act.
You have been undressing me with your eyes all evening.
Give me that hubcap.
This could get ugly.
It went way past ugly a long time ago.
Margaret, I think it's time I take you home.
Oh, you will.
Believe me, you will.
But right now, let's dance.
I- I don't I don't think so, Margaret.
Oh, come on, Harlan, dance with me! Hey! Harlan! Well, I'm just being neighborly.
Whoo! Uh, M-M-Margaret.
Oh, whoa, now, that is a rush.
I think it's time I take you home.
This is all your fault, Mr.
Stiles.
Yeah, I know, yeah.
It is.
My life was just fine till you came along.
It was ordinary.
It was safe.
I didn't have anybody to worry about except myself.
Everything was just perfect.
I hate you for changing all that, Mr.
Stiles.
Okay, well, we'll talk about it later.
Now just steady yourself while I get the door, okay? Oh, you have got the cutest little buns.
Oh! You need anything? Uh, you you got a wheelbarrow? Okay, we're on the porch now.
Are you sure you don't want any help? Oh, that's okay, thanks.
I'm just gonna walk her home and let her sleep it off.
All right.
Here.
Here, here, here, Herman.
Step right in front of you.
Take this.
Oh, thank you.
Oh.
Respect gravity, Margaret.
Here we go.
Now, we're on to the grass.
Good thing I didn't drink, so I can drive.
Step, Margaret.
Bye.
Bye! Well, well.
Who would have thought that inside Margaret Fouch Charo was struggling to get out? It reminds me when Harlan carried me across the threshold.
Well, it's a little different.
Well, that's true.
Herman didn't hit her head on the doorjamb and give her 18 stitches.
No, no, no now, put some more red in these signs.
We're supposed to make this carnival seem like a festive occasion.
Yes, ma'am.
Hey.
Hey, you, get over here.
You talking to me? I most certainly am.
Now, I am sick and tired of you candy salesmen.
If you think you can sneak past me and con the band teacher into having another one of those candy drives, you are in for a big surprise.
Now you waltz in here dangling some pie-in-the-sky trip to the Lake of the Ozarks in front of a bunch of impressionable kids, when all you're really doing is lining the pockets of a bunch of fat-cat candy executives.
Well, I don't want your type hanging around my hallway, so you just hit the road! Miss Fouch, I'm just a parent.
I was dropping off my son.
Oh.
Well, I'm sorry.
You look like a candy salesman to me.
Well, you came what you had to do, so go on.
Sorry.
Wood Newton.
Mm-hmm? I've been looking for you.
Now how do you explain this ridiculous increase in next year's football budget? Well, we need some new shoulder pads.
What for? Only thing you ever run into is each other.
Look, I'm sorry.
We just don't have the money.
How are you feeling, Margaret? You got a headache? I feel fine.
What are you trying to imply? Well, it's just that, you know, I played ball with some pretty big guys, and if they drank as much as you did last night, they'd have a hell of a hangover today.
Of course, it probably doesn't apply to school principals.
Look, I-I apologize if I ruined your dinner party.
And for your information, I've already promised myself I will never take another drop to drink as long as I live.
Good thinking.
It was all Mr.
Stiles fault, anyway, I started acting so crazy.
Really? I must have missed the part where he jammed the funnel down your throat.
It was all that pressure he put me under.
I have never been so humiliated in all my life.
He was showing me off like some prize bass he'd reeled in.
No, he wasn't, Margaret.
Well, anyway, it doesn't matter.
I'm not gonna see him anymore.
Don't do that.
We asked you to come over 'cause we wanted the two of you to be more comfortable together.
We just didn't expect you to get quite so comfortable.
Well, that is exactly the point.
I don't need a man to make me feel comfortable.
I have worked very hard my entire life to make sure that people took me seriously and didn't treat me like some oversexed boy toy.
Mission accomplished.
So, uh I didn't do anything too awful last night, did I? No.
I would like to talk to you sometime, though, about that honeymoon suite and the oysters and everything, you know.
And I'm gonna need some money for some new helmets, too.
Hi, gang.
Hi.
Oh, how cute.
Where did you get it, Will? Ooh.
From the ring toss game.
Win me something.
He didn't win it.
He gave the lady $20.
Well, it's all for charity, you know.
Besides, I think that game is rigged.
No, it's not rigged.
Come on, Molly, I'll win you something.
Okay.
If all else fails, here's 20.
All right.
Oh, Margaret, great carnival.
Well, everything would be just fine if your husband would tell his football team to keep their animal lust out of my carnival.
What are you talking about? I just found Phillpott under the bleachers with the popcorn girl.
Hmm.
I swear, comes springtime, these kids are like weasels in heat.
Ooh.
Oh, and to top it all off, the clown canceled.
Hey, Woodrow.
Yeah? Let me take your blood pressure.
Oh, you've done it four times already.
Oh, come on, this is embarrassing.
No, you can't do it anymore.
I'm sorry.
How about you, Ava? I have no feeling in my arm from the last time.
Hey, look, wait it's hard enough to breathe with a rubber nose on, now, don't crowd me.
Now, what do you want? I want a balloon animal.
Yeah, well, life's tough.
You don't always get what you want.
Please? All right, here.
It's a worm.
You made me a worm last time.
All right, let it be an eel.
Now get lost, you're making me nervous.
Now, what do you want? I want a balloon animal.
Here, make 'em yourself.
Oh, Herman, what are you doing? What it look like I'm doing? Cheerio the clown, he came down with a case of shingles.
Yeah, well, if you're Cheerio the clown, why can't you act a little cheerier? Yeah, well, it's hard to act cheery, Coach, when you've just been dumped.
Hey, let me take your blood pressure.
I don't have any blood pressure.
I think it's just a misunderstanding between, you know, you and Margaret.
She's probably still a little PO'd about having to ride home in the trunk.
Coach, you don't seem to understand.
The woman dumped me.
Just at the point when I think we're beginning to have some kind of a life together, I find out she's just toying with me; the way some sleek, jungle cat might toy with a wounded gazelle.
Why don't you give her a call? Yeah, well, if she wants to talk to me, she knows where I am.
Yeah, but you could break the ice and call her first.
Why, so she can stomp all over my heart again? No way.
Pardon me.
I got to go spread a little bit of carnival cheer.
Hey, Herman, let me take your blood pressure.
I got no blood pressure! Honey, you have got to do something about Margaret.
Why? She is uncontrollable.
No one is safe.
It's like one of those Godzilla movies.
What did she do now? Well, she heard the rumor that the ring toss game was, you know, rigged.
Mm-hmm.
So now she's got poor Mrs.
Lindsey in tears.
No, wait! Look! I I do not! I don't know how to make noises with my armpit! Now leave me alone! Now, go! Come here.
Wait, let go of my nose.
Come here.
Hey! I want a clean, respectable carnival What have you totally lost your mind? Margaret, I want you two to work this out because you're driving me crazy, and the whole town crazy.
Now you got three minutes to work it out.
Well, what do you have to say for yourself? Me? What did I do? Mr.
Stiles, I'm nobody's fool.
I know exactly what last night meant.
Well, I'm glad somebody does.
And this may come as a surprise to you, but I am not one of those women who spends her entire life waiting for a Prince Charming to ride up and whisk her away.
As a matter of fact, I have a master plan for my life, and I I can't be expected to just wad it up and throw it out the window for the first handsome face that comes along and flashes me a smile.
Margaret, nobody's asking you to wad up and throw away anything.
There's a big difference between having a master plan and being a slave to one.
Look, I had no idea that I was ever gonna become an assistant coach.
But when the mantle of authority was thrust upon me Well, if you are looking to thrust something on me, Mr.
Stiles, you got another thing coming.
Margaret, you're not listening to me.
You are not listening to me.
Now I want to be State Education Commissioner someday.
And I can't be taking time to pick out towels and hang bologna on a tidbit tree.
I had no idea you wanted to be State Education Commissioner.
Well, I never told anybody.
Well, see, Margaret, that's the kind of thing that we ought to feel we can talk to each other about.
I want to get to know you better.
You do? Do you know what I think's really bothering you? You lost control the other night.
You got nervous and you drank a little bit too much, and now you're afraid you made a big fool of yourself in front of everybody.
Well, guess what? You did.
So what, though? There's at least one person on this Earth you don't have to be perfect for: me.
Look, if you want to, you can tell me just to get lost.
But considering how often human beings tend to make fools of themselves, I think you ought to think twice.
All right.
Truce? Yeah.
You want to help me with my storm windows tomorrow night? No.
I'd love to take you to dinner, though, and maybe a movie.
It's a date.
All right.
You, uh, care to dance? Right here? Well, why not? There isn't any music.
Miss Fouch, you're just not listening hard enough.
Hear it? Here you are, close to me Pretty, isn't it? Herman, I believe I do hear the music.
I prayed so hard Yeah.
This night would come to be Whisper softly how you feel Someone once asked, "Why do fools fall in love?" A better question might be, "What do fools know that the rest of us don't?" The answer is in the stars above a place called Evening Shade.
I don't need your