Family Matters s01e22 Episode Script

Boy, that was great.
A family weekend in the wilderness.
No phones, no traffic No surprise visits from Steve Urkel.
Surprise! Hi, Carl.
Hi, Laura, my little sweet potato.
Did you think of me while you guys were camping? Yeah.
Every time I used the bug spray.
Oh, how sweet.
Hey, Carl, how come you didn't invite me along? Oh, gee, we wanted to, Steve, but they were overbooked.
The forest was full.
Maybe next year.
Hey, you've got some first-rate equipment here, Carl.
Thank you, and I'd like to keep it that way, so don't touch anything.
- I'm gonna put this in the garage.
- Hey, let me get the door for you.
No, watch out for the rip cord! Oh, no! Deflate.
Deflate.
Did I do that? - You hungry? - Yeah.
Wait a minute.
Are you paying bills? No.
Why? We like to stay out of your way when you pay bills.
You get a little, uh - What's the word? - Psycho.
That's the one.
- For your information, I'm doing our taxes.
- Oh.
Let's get out of here.
- Hi, honey.
- Hey, babe.
- How was work? - What a day.
I'm head of security.
I have keys to 300 offices, and I lock myself out of mine.
What's all this? Harriette, this year, I'm doing our taxes.
Carl, those forms are too complicated.
Let a professional do it.
Are you implying that I can't handle a simple tax return? Oh, I'm sorry, honey.
I didn't mean to imply that.
I meant to say it straight out.
Harriette, it's just too late.
I fired our accountant.
Last year, we paid him $200 to get a $100 refund.
The man is a crook.
The man is your brother.
I can do my taxes just as well as Calvin.
- I'm begging you, don't do this yourself.
- Well, why not? I can say it in one word.
Leavenworth.
Harriette, all you need to know how to do is add, subtract and read.
All I need is a little peace and quiet.
I guess I shouldn't have told Eddie that his band could practice here.
What band? That band.
Hold it! Hold it! Hold it! Edward! Dad, don't yell.
You could damage my hearing.
You boys are gonna have to take this someplace else.
You're just too loud.
If it ain't loud, it ain't rock 'n' roll.
I'm gonna get my tambourine and jam with the guys.
I'm gonna get me some cotton and jam it in my ears.
Hey, what's going on here? Hi, Aunt Rachel.
We're rehearsing.
No, you're not.
You're leaving.
Dad, we've got to get my song together for this video.
We're entering a contest.
Oh, you mean the one on Chicago Teen Trax? - Yeah.
- I love that show.
If we win the locals, we could get on MTV.
You guys, what's important is if we win, we could get 1000 bucks.
Hey, well, now, if you're really serious I'd be happy to write you a script.
- Great.
- You're hired.
- Yes.
Now remember, think hip, think cool, think fresh.
Any other instructions? Yeah.
Think fast.
We need it by tomorrow.
Think hip, think cool, think fresh.
I got ideas so fresh, I haven't even thought of them yet.
You know, Eddie, we decided to write this video ourselves.
How come you're changing the plans? I put this band together and I wrote the songs.
Therefore, I make the decisions.
Well, this is the Winslow household, I'm Mr.
Winslow and I say that you go make your decisions someplace else.
Oh, come on, Dad, we're really in a bind.
The video's due Monday morning.
- Come on, Mr.
Winslow.
- Please.
Please, Dad.
Well, look, I'll tell you what.
You can use the garage.
Thanks, Dad.
All right, guys, move this stuff into the garage.
Kyle, break down the drums.
Jerry, pack up the amps Where's Rodney? We gotta get going on this video.
The contest ends in a couple of days.
Steve.
Steve.
Urkel! This is a private rehearsal.
Perhaps I could audition.
This looks like a polka crowd.
A one and a two and a: You just squeezed all the air out of my bellows.
Steve, we don't need an accordion player.
Why? Too hip? Yeah, Urkel.
That's always your problem.
Hi, guys.
Rodney, it's about time.
Where's your video camera? Well, I was shooting my documentary on unsafe conditions in the girls' locker room.
Everything was fine until a couple of girls jumped me.
They smashed my camera and threw me in the showers.
It was great.
Way to go, Rodney.
How do we shoot a video without a camera? Well, you see, when we win the $1000, we can buy a new camera.
Just a thought.
I am in the Audio/Visual Club at school and I can get my hands on any video equipment I need.
But since you don't want me in your band I'll just take my squeeze box and go home.
Steve, wait.
How would you like to be our cameraman? I'd be honored.
Wait a minute.
Let's put this to a vote.
I vote no.
Urkel's a dweeb.
Well, I vote yes.
Congratulations, Urk.
You're our new cameraman.
Wow, thanks for the vote of confidence, guys.
You won't be sorry.
Now, let's see.
"Subtract line 27B from line 50.
" Where is 27B? Twenty-seven, 28, 28B.
No 27B.
Where are you, you stinking little line? - Hi, honey, how's it going? - Oh, just fine.
Just fine.
You wouldn't happen to see line 27B on there, would you? On this form? "Tax form for government subsidized poultry farmers"? - You picked up the wrong form, didn't you? - No, I did not.
I was thinking about taking early retirement and investing in a small flock of ducks.
Carl, it's still time to get our taxes done right.
Call your brother.
- Harriette, I don't wanna call my - Forget it, Harriette.
Once Carl has made up his mind the best thing to do is stand back and watch him fall.
Man, Urkel.
What'd you do? Take every piece of equipment in the school? Pretty much.
I even brought my projector so I can show you slides of my hernia surgery.
Guys, guys, guys, here it is.
Here is the script you've all been waiting for.
And if I do say so myself, it is hip to the bone.
Listen.
Fade in.
"A thick layer of fog rolls in, surrounding a silhouette of the band.
- We fade to the keyboards" - Aunt Rachel, Aunt Rachel.
Where are we gonna get a thick layer of fog from? Dry ice and a wind machine.
I know a place downtown where we can rent everything.
Uh, I hate to disappoint you, but our budget is only $20.
Uh-oh.
I already spent that on videotape and cheese.
So that leaves me with a budget of nothing.
I can work with that.
I'll have to make few changes, cut a few corners.
I guess the camels are out.
You guys, we're gonna forget about the script.
- We'll just wing it, okay? - Great.
Hey, Urkel.
You gotta get shots of my killer keyboard solo.
Be sure to get a close-up of me twirling my sticks.
I love your ideas, guys.
Really, really.
Why don't you take five and think up more? Steve, can I talk to you for a second, please? - Amateurs.
- I know.
- You wanna hear some of my ideas? - No.
Here's how the video's gonna go.
You start on a shot of me.
Then you cut to an extreme close-up of me.
Then when I go into my dance, you cut to a close-up of my feet.
Then you tilt up to include my hips.
Then you cut to a close-up of my face.
Is it just me, or am I detecting a theme here? I don't know if the other guys are gonna like this.
Forget about them.
I'm the money.
If this band is going anyplace, it's because of my talent.
Whatever you say.
This is gonna be the biggest bomb since Howard the Duck.
Hey, what are we watching? My video, Aunt Rachel.
It's all finished.
What? You shot it already? I'm still working on the script.
Well, we decided to go a different direction.
Um, we'll use your ideas in the next video.
Turn it up.
I wanna feel the bass in my face.
My name is Eddie I'm a hip, cool guy The girls come running When I give them the eye My name is Eddie And I'm headed for fame Party and fun Is the name of my game I am the Winslow king So come on, you girls And hear me sing 'Cause I'm the new king - I can't believe it.
- Me either.
Man, this video is more than cool.
It's hype.
No, it's def.
Man, this is super bad.
You got the bad part right.
Urkel, what were you doing? The camera was on Eddie the whole time.
You wanna field this one, big guy? All you could see was my right foot.
At least you were in it.
Urkel, you screwed up big.
Hey, I was just following Eddie's instructions.
Exactly what were Eddie's instructions? To keep the camera on him and forget about the other meatheads.
- What? - What? His words, not mine.
Eddie, you got an attitude problem, man.
I'm walking.
I'm walking too.
Can you give me a lift? Oh, fine, go ahead.
We're better off without them.
Their egos were getting way out of control.
No, you're the one who's getting out of control, man.
This is supposed to be a band, not a one-man show.
I quit.
What's wrong with them? The video was great.
- You liked it, didn't you, Laura? - It stunk.
On ice.
Oh, you're just jealous because you weren't in it.
No one was in it, except you.
You can't blame them for walking, Eddie.
That wasn't a rock video.
That was a love letter to Eddie Winslow from Eddie Winslow.
Like they say if it ain't on the page, it ain't on the stage.
What did you think, Grandma? Edward, you know I love you.
And I'd never say anything to hurt you.
Good night.
Okay, now all I do is subtract line 17 from line 11.
There.
Our taxes are done.
We only owe the government $94,000.
Hi.
How are our taxes coming? Harriette, it is a disaster.
We have hit bottom.
You would not believe how much money we owe the government.
Carl, you've suffered enough.
We've all suffered enough.
Here.
- Well, what is this? - Our taxes.
I went back to your brother.
After I specifically asked you not to? Mm-hm.
How could you do this to me, Harriette? How? Carl, we're getting a $700 refund.
Oh, thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
I love you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
So how are you doing? Okay.
Uh, Steve, could we be alone? Sure.
Eddie, would you mind stepping outside for a second, please? No, Steve, I meant I'd like to be alone with Eddie.
Oh, I get it.
A father-and-son moment.
I'll just tiptoe out.
Really, I'm fine.
No problem.
Don't worry.
It's just a scratch.
I really blew it, huh, Dad? Well, hogging the spotlight like you did wasn't exactly the best thing you could do.
But I'm the lead singer.
I mean, I did write the song.
Well, son, that may be true but being in a band is a group effort and that means everyone is included even though it was your song.
You know, when a man decides to go on an ego trip he usually ends up traveling alone.
So, what should I do now? Well, apologizing to Rodney and the rest of the guys would be nice for starters.
That's a good idea.
And who knows, maybe you can even resurrect your band.
No.
Kyle has gone solo and Jerry went with him.
So much for my career as a rock star.
Well, son we all make mistakes.
The important thing is that we learn from them.
Thanks, Dad.
Excuse me.
I forgot my tripod.
Just keep bonding.
Keep bonding.
You won't even know I'm here.
Oops.
Does Eddie still have an attitude about missing that video gig? Yeah, Mama.
He's still a man without a band.
Major bummer.
But, you know, I've been thinking.
With the talent that we have in this room we could all help Eddie make a new video.
We might have time to enter the contest.
That's a good idea.
You know, it could be lots of fun.
And who knows, we might win $1000.
- I'm in.
- Sounds good to me.
Rachel, what about you? I don't know.
Eddie's very difficult to work with.
Eddie, I'm glad you're here.
Son, what do you say about the whole family making a video? Okay, but only on one condition.
See? What did I tell you? I want Aunt Rachel to rewrite the lyrics.
I'd be happy to.
Heh, heh.
I love working with this guy.
Wouldn't it be great if we finished in the top five? Are you kidding? We're gonna win this thing.
We've got this puppy locked up.
And that was our second-place finisher The Toxic Argyles From Whitefish Bay.
Well, this is it.
We're down to the number one video.
Mom, we don't have a chance.
All the finalists have been heavy metal.
Oh, look, guys.
Who cares if we didn't win? The point is we did it as a family and we all had fun.
And now, our grand prize winner $1000 goes to The Rappin' Winslows.
One, two, three, four If you're thinking you like to be a rap star I gotta a personal tip That'll help you get far Hey, listen to your friends And family too 'Cause they're the ones That really care about you Let us thank our lucky stars For the love we share each day Now, I'm the dad I make all this happen Harriette I'm sick and tired Of all this rapping Oh, honey, hold on Let Eddie sing He's gonna be a big star And buy us everything So when you got a problem That's complicated Follow my tip And never be deflated No matter how hip or slick or cool Listen to your family Don't be a fool Let us thank our lucky stars That God has blessed our day We are a family We do things together Not separately We are a family We share all we've got And that's easy to see 'Cause we are a family