Friends s01e22 Episode Script

-Tell him.
-Tell him.
-Shut up.
-Tell me what? You won't look at him.
I could use another reason why women won't look at me.
All right.
All right.
Last night, I had a dream that you and I were Doing it on this table.
Excellent dream score.
Why would you dream that? More importantly was I any good? Well, you were pretty damn good.
Interesting.
In my dreams, I'm surprisingly inadequate.
Last night, you seemed to know your way around the table.
I love it when we share.
You okay? I can't believe you two had sex in her dream.
Sorry, it was a one-time thing.
I was very drunk, and it was someone else's subconscious.
The One With The lck Factor Hello, Rachel.
Get off.
Ooh, give me.
Can you see me operating a drill press? I don't know.
What are you wearing? Why would you want to? For short-term work.
Till I get back my massage clients.
Pirates again? No.
Nothing like that.
I'm just such a dummy.
I taught a "Massage Yourself at Home" workshop.
And they are.
Hey, Chan, she could work for you.
Thanks, Joey.
That's a good idea.
I could.
I could do it.
What is it? My secretary's gonna be out.
She's having one of her boobs reduced.
It's a whole big boob story.
-I could be a secretary.
-I don't know if it'd be your thing because it involves being normal for a large portion of the day.
I could do that.
-What's that? -My new beeper.
Why does a paleontologist need a beeper? Is it for dinosaur emergencies? Help.
They're still extinct.
It's for when Carol goes into labor.
All she has to do is dial 55-JlMBO.
A cool number and a possible name for the kid.
-See you later.
-Off to see young Ethan? Thank you.
How young is young Ethan? Young? He's our age.
When we were.
-He's a senior in college.
-College? Rob that cradle.
He's smart and mature and grown-up.
Mature and grown-up, he's a big boy.
This man-child has no problem with how old you are? No, of course not.
It's not even an issue because I said I was 22.
-You what? -What? -Oh, I can't pass for 22? -Well, maybe 25, 26.
-I am 26.
-There you go.
Can you hear that? That'll stop when you pick up the phone.
-Oh, I'm on.
-Okay.
Mr.
Bing's office.
-Sorry, he's in a meeting.
-I'm not in a meeting.
Will he know what this is in reference to? And he has your number? I'll see that he gets the message.
Bye-bye.
Ross says hi.
This is so fun.
What do we do now? Well, now I actually have to get to work.
"Most likely.
" Okay, I'm gonna be out there.
All right.
Bye-bye.
Bye-bye.
-Yes? -What you doing? Okay, windows are clean.
Candles are lit.
BeIt's too tight.
Gotta change.
Did I turn the fish? Nope, because I made lasagna.
-Am I out of control? -Just a touch.
I don't understand.
You've been dating this guy since his midterms.
Why, all of a sudden, are you so? -What? -Could tonight be the night? I don't know.
He's a great guy and I love being with him.
But, you know things happen when they happen.
You don't plan these things.
-So, did you shave your legs? -Yeah.
Would you let it go? It was just a dream.
It doesn't mean This is it.
It's baby time! All right, relax.
Just relax.
Be cool.
Yeah, hi.
I was just beeped.
No, Andre is not here.
Third time today.
Yes, I am sure.
I do not perform those kind of services.
Services? Oh, services.
Yeah, you want 55-JUMBO.
That's right.
That's right.
JUMBO with a "U," sir.
You don't want me.
Judging by his number, I'd be a huge disappointment.
Alrighty, bye-bye.
How was the first day? Excellent.
Everyone was so, so nice.
It pays to know the man who wears my shoes.
Me.
-I didn't tell anyone I knew you.
-Why? Well, because, you know.
They don't like you.
-What? -I thought you knew.
-Who doesn't like me? -Everyone.
Except for.
No.
Everyone.
-What are you talking about? -Don't feel bad.
They used to like you a lot.
But you got promoted, and now you're Mr.
Boss Man.
Mr.
Big.
Mr.
Bing.
Boss Man Bing.
-I can't believe it.
-Yeah.
They even do you.
They "do" me? You know, like, okay: "Could that report be any later?" -I don't sound like that.
-Yeah, you do.
"The hills are alive with the sound of music.
" "My scone.
My scone.
" I don't sound like that.
That is so not true.
That is so not That is so not That Oh, shut up.
-Did not.
-Up until I was 9 I thought "gunpoint" was a place where crimes happened.
-How's that possible? -It's always on the news.
"A man is being held up at Gunpoint.
" "Tourists are terrorized at Gunpoint.
" And I kept thinking, "Why do people continue to go there?" I should go.
-Unless -What? Unless you wanna stay over.
I mean, I'm going to.
So.
Yeah, I'd really like that.
Before we get into any staying-over stuff there's something you should know.
Is this, like, "I have an early class tomorrow" or "I'm secretly married to a goat"? Well, it's somewhere in between.
You see, in a strictly technical sense, of course, I'm not.
Well, I mean, I haven't ever.
Ethan? Are you a virgin? If that's what you kids are calling it these days, then yes, I am.
I mean, you're just such a good kisser I would never have known.
Well, I've excelled at every level I've been to, I just.
I just haven't been to that particular one yet.
I've kind of been waiting for the right person.
-Really? -Yeah.
You do know I was talking about you, right? Wow.
You keep saying that.
You know, you read about it.
You see it in the movies.
Even when you practice it at home, man, oh, man it is nothing like that.
Listen, listen.
You told me something that was really difficult for you.
And I figure if you can be honest, then I can too.
Don't tell me I did it wrong.
Nothing wrong about that.
Here goes.
I'm not 22.
I'm 25 and 1 3 months.
But I figure that shouldn't change anything.
What does it matter how old we are? Basically, I'm nuts about you.
I knew after the first time we kissed.
You didn't mention the Tic Tac.
I just thought you were naturally minty.
Listen as long as we're telling stuff I have another one for you.
I'm a little younger than I said.
-You're not a senior? -Oh, I'm a senior in high school.
What we did was wrong.
I just had sex with someone who wasn't alive during the bicentennial.
I just had sex.
Ethan, focus.
How could you not tell me? -You never said your age.
-It's different.
My lie didn't make one of us a felon in 48 states.
-What were you thinking? -I was too busy falling -Don't say it.
-ln love with you.
-Really? -Sorry.
Well, fall out of it.
You shouldn't be here.
It's a school night.
Oh, God.
I'm like those women that you see with shiny guys named Chad.
I'm Joan Collins.
Who? Andre should be there in about 45 minutes.
Yes, sir, the kimonos are extra.
Alrighty.
Bye-bye.
It's just easier that way.
-You told me about the last dream.
-No.
Forget it.
Why not? Was I doing something particularly saucy? All right.
Fine.
You were not the only one there.
Joey was there too.
All right.
Was there anybody else there? You sure? Nobody handing out mints or anything? No, it was just the three of us.
So was it you and Chandler then you and me, or you, me and Chandler? -You know what? -What? There were times when it wasn't even me.
That is so sweet, you guys.
Mon, Ethan called again.
-What? -Ethan called again.
-You're not seeing him anymore? -No.
Sometimes, things don't work out.
This has nothing to do with him needing a note to get out of gym? I did not say anything.
I swear.
-He stopped by.
-Next time you talk to him could you ask him which one the strongest Power Ranger is? Oh, my life is just so amusing.
Can we drop it now? Sorry.
"It's morphin'time.
" -Stegosaurus.
-Tyrannosaurus.
I gotta go.
Head rush.
One more, and then I have to go.
Cool.
Where you going? A birthday party with some work people.
Work people? Nobody told me.
I know.
That's part of the whole them-not-liking-you extravaganza.
A month ago, these people were my friends.
I'm in charge, but I'm not a different person.
Then come, hang out.
Let them see what a great guy you still are.
-You think I should? -I really do.
But could we not go together? I don't wanna be the geek who invited the boss.
-Hey, you okay? -Yeah.
-This can't be easy for him either.
-I know.
This may take some time for him to get over it but, then at four, Muppet Babies is on.
Go deep.
Deep.
Deep.
Sorry, Shelly.
See, with the fun? Last night was great.
The karaoke thing? Tracy and I doing "Ebony and lvory.
" You were great.
But they still made fun of you.
-What? -Now you're Mr.
Caring Boss.
Mr.
I'm-one-of-you Boss.
Mr.
I-wanna-be-your-buddy Boss Man Bing.
Then I don't get it.
You know what? I think you just gotta face it.
You're the guy in the big office.
You're the one that hires and fires them.
-They say you're a great boss.
-They do? But they're not your friends anymore.
-I just want -But you can't.
But I just want Are you gonna? Carol and I have a new system.
If she punches in 9-1 -1 she's having a baby.
Otherwise, I just ignore it.
What about Andre? He got a call from our cousin, Nathan.
Frankly, it was a little more than I needed to know.
That was gonna be my opener.
Have you guys seen those new hand dryers in the bathroom? -I thought that was just a rumor.
-True story.
Look, I gotta tell you something.
I'm not 1 7.
I said that so you'd think I was vulnerable.
I'm actually 30.
I have a wife and a job.
I'm your congressman.
This is ridiculous.
We're great together.
We can talk, make each other laugh, and the sex.
I have no frame of reference, but I thought that was great.
-lt was.
-Then what's the problem? Ethan, it's.
It's icky.
"lcky"? You're actually gonna throw this away because it's "icky"? This isn't easy for me either.
I wish things were different.
If you were older or I was younger or we lived in biblical times - I could really -No, don't say it.
Love you.
-Are your hands still wet? -Moist.
Let's dry them again.
Or, like, "Could these margaritas be any stronger?" Hey, Chandler.
Hello, Mr.
Bing.
Loved your Stevie Wonder last night.
Thanks.
About the weekly numbers, I'm gonna need them on my desk by 9:00.
-Sure.
-No problem.
You have to give them something.
That was Gerston, Santos, and who's the other guy? -Petrie.
-Petrie.
Right, okay.
Well, some people are gonna be working this weekend.
Oh, that's nice.
Ross.
I'm here.
You are? We were just.
What? -Great.
Now I'm having a baby.
-What? I'm having a baby.
I'm having a -The phone, the phone.
-I don't have the phone.
I'm hurt.
Let's go.
Come on, people.
Woman in labor.
-Look what I got going.
-Save it for the cab.
We're going to a hospital.
I can't look nice? There are doctors there.
-Joey, get out of the fridge.
-All right.
-What is that? -For the ride.
-Like in a cab -Save it.
-Hating this.
-Monica, come on.
Let's go.
Baby coming.
I can't believe I'm gonna be an aunt.
-I'll have a nephew.
-That's nice.
Get out.
All right, I'm going.
I'm going.
Here we go.
Come on.