Hogan's Heroes (1965) s01e22 Episode Script

CBS presents this program in color.
( theme song playing ) Mmm, mmm! Smells delicious.
Crepe Suzettes, but not quite ready yet.
You know, since the war, the service here has been terrible.
I know, it's very Boy, it sure has.
All right, all right.
Tomorrow night I'm going to serve a gourmet dinner: pâté de foie gras, poulet rôti de jardinière, and fraises du bois.
Good.
I think I'll eat in.
Well, all I have to do is steal a chicken, a goose and four pounds of wild strawberries.
SCHULTZ: Achtung! Come on, Schultz! How many times have I told you to knock first? His Achtung made me bruise the batter.
All right, Schultz, Schultz, I honestly think you owe LeBeau an apology.
LeBeau, I didn't mean it.
What are you cooking? Crepe Suzettes.
And if you're real nice, I'll give you one.
I'm a very nice fellow for a guard.
Okay, okay.
Here it is.
Mmm, it smells good.
Mmm! Delicious! LeBeau and I are going to open a little beer garden after the war.
Hmm.
What am I saying? Kommandant Klink is going to be here any minute for inspection.
Oh, don't tell me Berlin is sending more officers to study Stalag 13! I know nothing, nothing! Where is Kinchloe? Oh, please, Colonel Hogan! Look, is it my fault Klink always has open house for the Berlin brass? Colonel Hogan, one of these days, Kommandant Klink is going to come here and make a thorough roll call.
And you know what's going to happen with Schultz? Right to the Russian Front! Don't tell me you're afraid of a bunch of guys who dance sitting down? ( laughing ) Newkirk, what are you doing? Cleaning your gun.
You see, Newkirk has the proper spirit.
He's cleaning my gun My gun! You stole my gun! Klink's coming.
Achtung! Everything is in order, Herr Kommandant! ( sniffing ) As it should be.
I understand we have another visitor coming to Stalag 13 tomorrow.
That's right.
Another prison camp commander coming to take a course under the great Professor Klink? Colonel Hogan, Berlin considers this the perfect prison camp, and with all due modesty, considers me the perfect commandant.
Schultz, I want a close watch kept on those men until the arrival of Major Bonacelli.
Bonacelli.
Italian.
That's right.
He is being sent here from Capezio to study my methods of discipline, organization and security.
Do you give away your secrets to a foreigner? Colonel Hogan, may I remind you that the Italians are our allies.
Don't remind me, remind them.
( grunts ) Goldilocks calling Momma Bear.
Goldilocks calling Momma Bear.
Come in.
Well, nice to hear from you, Goldilocks.
Been trying to get in touch with you since Monday.
We've been on a three day pass and couldn't get to a phone.
Never mind the sarcasm.
Anything to report? No, we've had to lay low.
Things are kind of hot around here.
Commandant Klink is training POW commanders, sort of an earn while you learn program.
Is it clear now? Can we resume getting the prisoners out? Can't do it yet.
We've got a new trainee arriving, an Italian major from Capezio.
Capezio? The Allies are going to be making a landing there soon.
Good, it'll be easier for you now.
They'll be one Italian short.
G-2 reports growing friction between the Italians and the Germans.
Maybe you can get some information regarding the defenses at Capezio, huh? We'll give it the old college try.
But his being a prison camp commander means he'll be a rough, tough character.
You will do exactly as I say, Corporale.
The road to the prison camp is straight ahead.
We are not going to the prison camp.
We are going to Switzerland.
Schweinehund! You're a deserter.
That's right.
Now, get driving.
No.
You can shoot me first.
Why you want me to shoot you? Come on, we go to Lake Lugano, we forget about the war, eh? No.
All right, Lake Lucerne.
But remember, the food is not so good as Lugano.
Don't move, I shoot you! I warn you, stay away.
I warn you.
( bombers droning ) BONACELLI: A raid, a raid! ( high-pitched droning whistle ) ( explosion ) ( explosion ) ( airplanes receding ) ( engine not turning over ) Major Bonacelli.
Si, Corporale.
We are your escort from Stalag 13.
Grazie, grazie.
Really I don't need an escort because I have a wonderful sense of direction.
Where's your driver? He ran away.
He got frightened-- the air raid.
He was very young, just a bambino.
We will follow you.
But, really, I don't need We have our orders.
Heil Hitler.
Heil Hitler.
( shouting ) Hi, Schultz.
Hi.
Why don't you get into the game? ( laughs ): Jolly joker.
Come on, the exercise will do you good, Schultz.
You're getting a little pudgy there.
Old German saying: "Man with fat waistline never catch pretty fraulein.
" Well, I catch pretty fraulein.
( laughter ) Hey, fellas, let Schultz in, huh? NEWKIRK: All right.
Oh, no, no, no Come on, come on.
No, I-I cannot do it.
It's against regulations.
I'll hold your gun.
Go, go.
NEWKIRK: Let's see you go.
( cheering ) Come on, Schultzy, head it up! Oh! ( laughs ) Colonel Hogan.
Oh, Colonel Klink.
This is Major Bonacelli of the Italian Army.
Colonel Hogan, our ranking American officer here.
Oh.
Always nice to meet one of our Allies.
They're our Allies.
I keep forgetting.
Colonel Klink, you Germans run your prison camps differently than we Italians.
Oh, um, how is that? Well, in our camps, we have one firm rule.
No prisoner is allowed to carry a gun.
That is an excellent rule.
It Schultz! Jawohl, Herr Kommandant! Are you crazy? Allowing a prisoner to hold your gun? There is no danger, Herr Kommandant.
The gun is not loaded.
That's our second rule.
All guards must carry loaded guns.
Schultz, load your gun and report to my office immediately.
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
HOGAN: Uh, Schultz.
You forgot the gun.
Major, don't judge the rest of Colonel Klink's men by Schultz.
The other guards have bullets and everything.
Have they? Hogan, you do not have to give me a vote of confidence.
I'm sure that Major Bonacelli is very impressed by Stalag 13.
HOGAN: Oh, this is a rough camp.
And you know how tough the Germans can be.
Look at the way Hitler treats Mussolini.
Hogan! HOGAN: Come on, admit it, Colonel.
You know he pushes him around.
Ever see a picture of the two of them together? Benito is always to the back.
But not for long.
You know you can push a people so far.
One day, we Italiani, go Heil Hitler.
Heil Hitler.
Major, first shall we inspect the guard towers? Oh.
LANGENSCHEIDT: Herr Kommandant, Herr Kommandant! Yes, Langenscheidt, what is it? The Mess sergeant would like to know what you and your guest would like for dinner.
( speaking Italian ) Antipasto, minestrone, a pasta al dente Langenscheidt! We will have potato soup, boiled potatoes, potato pancakes, sauerkraut and sauerbraten.
Ja, Herr Kommandant.
Bon appetite.
I think we can get to Bonacelli.
How are you going to do that? We'll work on his weaknesses.
Italians are very sentimental.
Yeah, they love music.
Well, anybody know the words to "Santa Lucia?" Food is the clincher.
LeBeau, how are you on pizza? Pizza?! You would ask a Frenchman to cook a piece of cardboard with tomato sauce? We swear not to tell anybody.
Ask me to dig a tunnel, yes.
To climb a barbed wire, yes.
But to make a pizza, no.
We all have to make sacrifices.
Okay.
You'll have to get me a recipe.
All right, anybody here know how to make a pizza? Hey, my father got a pizza parlor in Newark.
Oh, great, Garlotti.
Give LeBeau the recipe.
I don't know it, but I'd be glad to write to him and get it.
Forget it.
We don't have that much time.
Look, everybody scatter.
Check every prisoner, and don't come back without a recipe for pizza.
All right, sir.
Newkirk, do you have a recipe for pizza? Goldilocks calling Momma Bear.
Goldilocks calling Momma Bear.
Come in.
( beeping ) Colonel, you mean to tell me, in this whole prison camp you couldn't find a recipe for pizza? No.
I got a recipe for shish kabob, egg foo yong, enchiladas, Yorkshire pudding and matzo balls.
You want to get through to Garlotti's Pizzeria in Newark? That's right.
May I ask what for? We'd like to make reservations for dinner tonight.
There'll be 103 at 7:30.
You know, Hogan, if you weren't one of their prisoners, you'd be one of ours.
Look, we're trying to get some information out of that Italian major I told you about.
We need a recipe for pizza.
Maybe you'd like to have us send you over a couple of bottles of red wine.
You don't have to bother.
We already made that this afternoon.
All right, we'll call London.
Stand by, Goldilocks.
CAPTAIN: Momma Bear calling Poppa Bear.
Momma Bear calling Poppa Bear.
( sirens droning ) This is Poppa Bear.
Go ahead, Momma Bear.
We want to get in touch with Garlotti's Pizzeria in Newark.
Right.
Stand by, Momma Bear.
Captain Henderson? Yes, Sergeant? I just got a call from Momma Bear wanting to be put in touch with a Garlotti's Pizzeria in Newark.
Garlotti's Pizzeria? Shall we alert G-2? Perhaps we ought to send over a man to decode this message.
We haven't got any pizzerias in our code.
Try again.
Momma Bear, this is Poppa Bear.
Repeat, please.
We want to get in touch with Garlotti's Pizzeria in Newark.
Is that really you, Momma Bear? It's really me.
Now, get us through to the pizzeria.
Look here, Momma Bear, you'll just have to eat the same rations as the rest of us.
We don't want the pizzas.
We just want the recipe.
I think you've been under water too long.
I suggest you surface.
The recipe is not for us.
It's for Goldilocks.
Oh.
I should have known.
( phone ringing ) Garlotti's Pizzeria.
Garlotti speaking.
London calling? Yes, this is Captain Henderson, Supreme Allied Headquarters.
No, Mr.
Garlotti, your son is fine.
Yes, he's still in the prison camp, but he's in good health and good spirits.
Oh, thank you, thank you very much.
What? You want my recipe for pizza? Sure.
Well, first you take two cloves of garlic, a half a pound of Italian sausage, two tablespoons oregano and a pinch more garlic Half cup mushroom ends and pieces A half a cup mushroom ends and pieces.
One can of tomato paste three tablespoons of parmesan cheese, uh, grated Two tablespoons of shortening, one cup of flour, teaspoon of olive oil.
Got it.
Now, ask him if he knows the words to "Santa Lucia".
"Santa Lucia"? "Santa Lucia"? "Santa Lucia"? * Santa Lucia * * Santa Lucia.
* Major, did you enjoy your dinner? I couldn't eat.
For some reason, I wasn't hungry.
Too bad.
It has been a long time since I had potato soup, boiled potatoes, potato pancakes, sauerkraut and sauerbraten.
( men singing "Santa Lucia" ) They're playing our song.
Yeah, our prisoners are very happy.
( singing in Italian ) Mamma mia.
Pizza.
Smells good.
Yes.
Seems to be coming from those barracks over there.
Yeah.
S-Sergeant, I think I'm going to inspect those barracks Yeah.
alone.
Here he comes.
Everybody in position.
Signori Oh, hi, Major.
Bona sera.
What can we do for you? Uh I know this sounds absurd, but I thought I smelled pizza.
Pizza? Oh, oh, really? And as a matter of fact, it smells just like the pizza Mama used to make.
One of the regrets of my life is I wasn't shot down over Italy.
Now, listen, I know there's a pizza in these barracks.
If it's a matter of money Money? I'll bet even the Germans in Capezio eat a lot of pizzas, don't they? Oh, yes, they do.
Yes, they do.
Now, offhand, how many pizzas would you say the German soldiers eat a day, figuring two per soldier? Well, that's a secret.
Oh, uh t-t-two pizzas, one soldier, uh Hundred and six thousand.
Divide by two.
Sit down, Major.
Garcon! Wine steward! Oh, garlic, like a breath of home.
Wait till you taste the wine.
Oh? It's a vintage wine, aged almost two weeks.
( saluting in Italian ) Never I think I'm going to find something like this here.
We have a master chef.
Oh, I can't take all the credit.
We got a recipe from his father.
GARLOTTI: My father owns Garlotti's Pizzeria in Newark.
Oh, good.
You give me the address-- I'm going to look him up, uh, right away I get to America, huh? Oh, you plan on going to the States after the war? What after? During! Wait a minute.
You're not going back to Italy? And fight for the Germans? Never.
Uh, why don't you fight for us? Join your army? No, no, no.
Go back to Capezio and be an agent for us.
I could be shot for being a spy.
Well, you're not really a spy.
You're in uniform.
In uniform, they're going to shoot me for being a traitor.
Please, not while I'm eating.
Just think what you could be doing for your country.
You could help shorten the war in Italy.
Could also shorten my life.
Men.
( humming "Santa Lucia" ) Think of the children laughing and playing again in the streets of Milano.
The donkey carts once more clattering along the cobblestones in Portofino.
And the pigeons returning to the Piazza San Marco.
And your mama mia standing in the doorway, holding a pizza.
You had to say that, huh? It's for your country as well as ours.
All right, I gonna do it.
You'll be our contact.
Si, but on one condition.
What's that? That your papa give my mama the recipe for this pizza.
Oh! * Santa Lucia! * Thank you, Colonel Klink, for the kindness you've extended to me during my visit.
Major Bonacelli, I hope that your stay here has been both informative and pleasant.
And now you know how a prison camp should be run.
Of course, I could never hope to be a commander such as you.
( laughs ): That's true.
There is only one Klink.
Well, I'm on to Germany.
I may as well get started.
Arrivederci.
Traitor! Deserter! This man obviously needs medical attention.
I'm sure you want to get on with it.
Ciao.
Just a minute! Corporal, what is the meaning of this? What's going on? Our friend Bonacelli's in trouble.
This coward was trying to desert to Switzerland.
He thought I was killed in the air raid.
Arrest that man! Would you believe a man with a head wound? Of course.
He's a German soldier.
Take him to the cooler.
Well, there goes our man in Capezio.
You think there's a chance Bonacelli can clear himself? No chance.
It's his word against the German.
Let's try and get him out to the sub.
That's a possibility, but he's more valuable to us in Italy.
But he can't go back to his camp in Italy.
They think he's a traitor.
That's the point.
We've got to convince Klink that he's a loyal officer.
Colonel, why don't we reopen tunnel five? I could go out under the wire in the fence, and then we could get Bonacelli ( all talking over each other ) Hold it, hold it, hold it! That's not it, Carter, but you're warm.
Oh Colonel Hogan.
Shh! Follow me.
We escaping? Temporarily.
You'll be coming back.
Coming back? You must be crazy.
There's going to be a big escape, and you're going to capture us.
I'm going to make you a big hero in Germany.
I'd rather be a little coward in Switzerland.
Come on.
Yes, Herr General, we suspect the Italian major of attempting desertion.
Mm-hmm.
Good, sir.
I shall give you a complete report as soon as I finish my investigation.
Yes, sir.
Yes.
Herr Kommandant, Herr Komm Shh! Schultz, I'm talking to Berlin on the telephone.
Yes, Herr General, it was all done in the line of duty.
Herr Kommandant! Shh! Schultz! I, uh, hope you will mention this to Headquarters the next time they discuss promotions.
Mm-hmm.
Yes, sir.
Thank you, Herr General, thank you.
Now, Schultz, what is it? Herr Kommandant, there has been an escape! What? I don't know how it happened.
Do you know what that means to my reputation if one of my prisoners escapes? It was not one, Herr Kommandant.
You mean two of my prisoners escaped? Ten.
Ten prisoners escaped? Eleven, if you count the Italian major.
Do you know what happens when Berlin finds out about this? They will make me a prisoner! CARTER: Hey, buddy, where you been? What took you so long? Where's Bonacelli? Well, he should be here.
He was the first one out.
Well, he's not here.
I hate to say this, Colonel, but I think we might've made a mistake about Bonacelli.
He's probably on his way to Switzerland.
But he promised.
You can't win a man over with a pizza and eight bars of "Santa Lucia"! Bonacelli! Am I glad to see you fellows.
Are you all right? Uh, just let me sit down, rest a minute.
You can't sit down-- you got to march us back to camp.
I'll never make it.
You've got to make it.
The whole woods's crawling with krauts looking for us.
I can't move another step.
Kinch, Newkirk, pick him up, carry him back, come on.
( all talking over each other ) KLINK: Well, Langenscheidt? No sign of the prisoners, Herr Kommandant.
And you call yourself a German Shepherd? ( barking ) He's doing the best he can, Herr Kommandant.
Mm-hmm.
He couldn't find a can of dog food.
( barking and snarling ) Mm! Put him on report! Take him away.
Schultz, I can't believe it.
My men cannot find even one of the ten escaped prisoners.
Eleven, if you include the Italian major.
Schultz, always a big mouth.
Uh, Herr Kommandant, maybe I go out and look.
You couldn't find your way back to the camp.
( whistling ) Hold up.
( speaks Italian ) Major Bonacelli returning your prisoners.
I really have to hand it to you, Klink-- you outsmarted me.
I did? Yeah, staging that phony arrest so we'd think the major was on our side.
They make the mistake of thinking I was a traitor to the Fuhrer.
Heil Hitler.
Heil Hitler.
Schultz! These men are to be thrown in the cooler, and Colonel Hogan will be confined to the barracks.
I will show you that no one escapes from Stalag 13.
We should've known better.
We couldn't even escape from your star pupil.
What chance have we got against the old master? All right, men, forward, hut! ( whistling ) You sent for me, Colonel? Mm-hmm.
I have a letter here from Italy.
Thanks.
I don't save stamps.
I think Kinch does.
It's from Major Bonacelli.
Bonacelli? Oh, yeah, yeah, your star pupil.
Hey, is there going to be a class reunion? I think you will be very interested in what he has to say.
Well, if it's military secrets, I don't want to hear it.
You know what a big mouth I have.
He has asked me to tell you that all his American prisoners are working 16 hours a day.
What kind of work are the prisoners forced to do? Making pizzas.
Pizzas? And he insisted that I read you this: "Last week, "my prisoners made and next week, we will push them to 120,000 pizzas.
" You see, Hogan, never underestimate your enemy.
Some people think the Italians aren't with you all the way.