I Love Lucy (1951) s01e22 Episode Script

(theme music playing) (whistling) Oops! Guess who it is.
Bill? Sam? Pat? No! Pedro.
Pablo.
Jose.
No, it's me.
Oh, yes, of course, um Very, very funny.
Hi.
Hey, company for dinner? Uh-huh.
Who is it? How do you like the new water glasses, Ricky? Who's coming for dinner, Lucy? Doesn't the table look beautiful tonight? Lucy, who is it? Some people.
Lucy Whom is coming here for dinner tonight? Whom, you mean, besides meem and youm? Never mind that.
What are their names? Fred and Ethel Mertz.
Wait a minute.
I thought you said Fred and Ethel had a big fight and they were mad at each other.
They are.
I thought you said they weren't speaking to each other.
They aren't.
And that he was staying at the Y.
He is.
And she won't let him in the house.
She won't.
Well, if they are and they aren't and he is and she won't- how come? Well, I thought Lucy Esmeralda Macgillicuddy Ricardo.
Yes? I thought we had an understanding that you were not going to mess around in other people's affairs.
But, Ricky Lucy, sometimes I think that you don't have anything inside your head.
Now, come on.
Let me see.
Hey, that picture on the wall is crooked.
Oh, stop.
Now, Ricky, I can't stand seeing them apart like this.
I heard Ethel downstairs crying all morning.
I'll bet Fred's eating his heart out too.
Hah! What do you mean, hah? How would you like to be separated from me for three whole days.
Ah! Oh Now really, Ricky, it's up to us to get Fred and Ethel back together again.
Say you'll help me.
Well, it would be nice.
Yeah.
And I guess after you've gone through all this trouble and this far that the cast is dead.
"The cast is dead"? Yeah, you know Don't tell me.
Don't tell me.
The die is cast.
That's what I said.
Oh, fine.
Now, tell me, Dorothea Dix if they are not speaking to each other how did you get them to come here for dinner? Neither one knows that the other one is coming.
Oh, that should be interesting.
ETHEL: Yoo-hoo.
There's one of the lovebirds now.
Yeah, before the evening is over there'll be feathers flying all over the place.
Oh, now, stop.
Hi, Lucy.
Hi, Ethel.
Hi, Ricky.
Hello, Ethel.
Let me take your coat, honey.
Thanks.
Here, I'll take it, dear.
Gee, you look beautiful.
It was nice of you to ask me to dinner.
I almost didn't make it.
I just got home.
I've been so busy socially, you know dancing every night luncheons and teas every afternoon.
Oh, really? Oh, yes.
I've been having a wonderful time.
Oh, bread.
I haven't eaten since he left.
Oh, really? Gee, you sure must miss him.
I do not.
He didn't leave me any money, the big fat slob.
Well, we'll eat right away, dear.
Good.
Oh, four places, is someone else coming? Well, I-I didn't tell you, Ethel but I've invited a fascinating man for you.
He's a real dream.
Oh, Lucy, you shouldn't have done that.
After all, I'm still a married woman.
What's he like? I'm not going to tell you.
I want you to be surprised.
She will be.
Oh, this is exciting.
I better go powder my nose.
He's a real dream, huh? Uh-huh.
Can I put on some of your good perfume? Sure.
Well, you really cooked one up this time.
Now, don't worry.
Everything's going to be all right.
You know what'll happen? Yeah, they'll kill each other right in front of our eyes.
They will not.
(doorbell buzzes) That must be the other lovebird now.
Hi, Rick.
Hello, Fred.
How are you? Gee, I'm glad to see you.
We sure miss you around here.
How's everything down at the Y? Oh, fine, fine, thanks.
Hi, Lucy.
Hi, Fred.
I brought you something.
Oh, thank you.
You're welcome.
I was going to call up and say hello but I've really been having a time.
Really? Yeah.
You really been living it up, eh? Have I? Rick, I'm a free man again.
You wouldn't believe the things I been doing.
What have you been doing? Everything I did before I was married.
No kidding? Yeah, handball, basketball, badminton, squash I'm pooped.
Gee, when do we eat? I- I've been living on peanut butter sandwiches.
Oh, are you expecting somebody else? Well, um, yes, Fred.
I- I-I took the liberty of inviting a nice young lady to be your dinner companion.
A young lady? Yeah, a cute young chick.
Oh.
Well, bring her on.
Ho, ho, ho.
A young chick, huh? (whistling) Am I ready.
LUCY: Yoo-hoo, he's here.
Come on out now.
(giggling) What are you doing here? Lucy, is that my date? He's no dream; he's a nightmare.
Is that your idea of a cute young chick? You'll never shop for my poultry.
Aw, now come on.
As long as we're all here why don't we sit down and eat? Yeah, come on, Ethel.
No, thanks, I just lost my appetite.
Me too.
I'm leaving.
Where's my coat? Where's my coat? Well, all right, Ricky, get their coats.
Okay.
Here you are, Fred.
Well, thanks.
Here you are, Ethel.
Thank you.
Well, as long as she's leaving I guess I could stay and help you eat that food.
You're not letting him stay and do you out of this beautiful roast beef are you, Ethel? Um, no, why should I? Good.
Let's everybody sit down.
That a girl.
Give me that coat.
Yeah, Fred, you sit over here by me.
Well, thanks.
Uh, you two don't mind sharing the piano bench, do you? Now, let's see here.
How's that, Ethel? Not too much fat is there? There certainly is.
LUCY: He means the meat.
Oh, oh, no, the meat looks fine.
Oh, thanks.
Here you are, Ethel.
Thank you.
Here you are, Fred.
Thank you.
Ah, potatoes.
Nice and hot too.
And beans.
LUCY: No potatoes, Ricky? No, I'm strictly a meat man.
What about you, Fred? Thank you, Lucy.
Thank you.
Okay, string beans? If it weren't for you I wouldn't get anything to eat.
Oh, here you are, Ethel.
Thank you.
Want some gravy, Ricky? Yeah, a little bit, please.
Oh, on your meat? Yeah, right on the meat.
I love gravy.
That's it.
I love gravy.
Yeah? Yes, I love gravy.
There, Lucy.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
There, now has everybody got everything? Yep.
Yeah.
So RICKY: This sure looks good.
LUCY: I've never been so hungry.
Oh! Ethel, what happened? He pushed me off the bench, that's what happened.
I did not.
She fell off.
Oh, that does it.
Roast beef or no roast beef, I'm leaving.
Don't bother, I'll go.
Oh, you don't have to go Ethel, Ethel, please.
Ricky, I guess this was a bad idea of mine.
Let's get their coats.
All right.
Here you are, Fred.
Thanks.
Here you are, Ethel.
Thanks.
Oh, oh! Why you What's going on here? Lucy, let me out of here.
Untie this coat.
Not until you kiss and make up.
I'll never speak to him again after the things he said to me.
What about the things you said to me? She said my mother looks like a weasel.
Apologize, Ethel.
No.
Oh, come on, Ethel.
Tell him you're sorry.
Well, I'm sorry your mother looks like a weasel.
Now, Ethel Well, he should have more consideration.
After all, I gave him the best years of my life.
Were those the best? All right, all right, now you're even.
Now, what are your terms for making up, Ethel? Well, let him apologize.
He started it.
I did not.
ETHEL: You did too.
I did not! I never All right! All right.
It doesn't matter who started it.
What matters is how it got started.
What was it all about? Well Uh I was, uh, uh He said, uh I forget.
So do I.
You see, you can't even remember.
Well, it wasn't how it started.
It was the things we said afterward.
I'm sorry, Fred.
I apologize, honey bun.
Sweetie pie.
Baby doll.
Sugar lips.
You know, this is pretty sickening.
I liked them better when they were mad.
Let's get back to the dinner.
Now we can eat.
Dinner is getting cold.
Doesn't that food look great? (all talking at once) Aren't quarrels silly? RICKY: They sure are, honey.
When's the last time we had a fight, Ricky? Gosh, I don't remember, dear.
Neither do I.
See, why don't you two be like us? That's a good idea.
I'll dye my hair red and Fred can speak with an accent.
Well, if I remember correctly you two had your spats.
Well Ricky only got to go to the fights with me last month because you weren't speaking to each other.
RICKY: Oh, yeah.
But it didn't last long.
No, I gave in and put an end to it.
Yeah, you want some more gravy, Ethel? What'd you say, Ricky? You put an end to it? I was the one who gave in.
Oh, pardon me, honey, but, uh I was the one that called the whole thing off, remember? You? I went all the way down to your club to apologize- remember? Well, honey, that was after- you went down all the way to the club and apologized- after I sent you a dozen roses with a card saying that I was wrong, remember? Before, darling.
After, baby.
Before, dear.
After, sweetheart.
Before.
After.
Before.
It's your serve.
After! I remember how tough it was to-to-to-to write that card saying that I was wrong when I was right.
Oh, you thought that you were right? I certainly did, and I still do.
Well, it's good to know that I'm married to a hypocrite.
Hypocrite? What's a hypocrite? A person who says one thing and means another.
Thanks.
Oh, yeah? Yeah.
Oh, now, Ricky take it easy.
She can't talk to me that way.
But she's excited.
That's no excuse.
That's plenty 'scuse.
And don't you make fun of my English.
Hmm, that's English.
Si, es ingles, yo hablo muy bien, muy perfectamente.
Usted no me tiene que decir que no hablo bien.
How dare you say that to me.
What did I say? I don't know, but how dare you! I'll show you who gives in first in this family.
Mira que me decia a mi que yo no se hablar ingles cuando lo he estudiado perfectamente en todas las universidades muchisimos anos.
Yo hablo mejor que toda la gente que esta sentada en la mesa aqui.
And whenever you're ready to call me and apologize you can call me down at the club! Don't hold your breath! Ha! Fred, Fred, we'd better go.
Yes, yes No, no, no, don't go.
We'll just finish our dinner.
Certainly not going to let him spoil a dinner for us.
This meat is cooked just the way I like it nice and juicy.
Yoo-hoo.
Lucy, where are you? I'm in the bedroom.
Good morning.
Morning.
Oh You've been crying.
I have not.
A rabbit should have such pink eyes.
I'm getting a cold.
Oh.
I gather Ricky didn't come home last night.
You mean that funny-looking Cuban that used to hang around here? Yeah, that's the guy I had reference to.
No, he didn't come home last night and he didn't call this morning.
Not that it makes any difference to me.
Oh, I can see it doesn't matter to old indifferent you Why don't call him up and tell him you're sorry? What? Swallow my pride? Call him up and go crawling back to him? Hah! Well Besides, the line was busy.
I thought so.
Call him up again.
I will not.
Why not? I called him once; now it's his turn.
What if he never calls you? Then we'll just never see each other again.
Oh, we can't have that.
Now, let's see.
I could invite you both to dinner without telling the other but that's been done a lot lately.
Yeah, that's a pretty stale bit.
I know, we'll use the old sympathy routine.
Sympathy routine? Yeah.
You know how families are- no matter what differences they've had they always unite in cases of sickness, accident and terrible tragedy.
What are you talking about? I'll call up Ricky and tell him you've been run over by a bus.
Run over by a bus? Yeah.
Well, that seems rather drastic.
Oh, we'll only pretend.
Oh.
I'll wrap you all up in bandages and then I'll call him up and tell him you've had a terrible accident.
That'll bring him back.
Well, it might work.
It can't miss.
Have you got plenty of adhesive tape and bandages in the house? Well, that all depends.
On what? On what kind of a bus I get hit by, local or express.
You like the peanut butter sandwiches they serve here, Rick? Kind of stick to the roof of your mouth, don't they? Yeah.
Oh, just give me a small grape juice.
It's none of my business, Rick, but this is silly.
Why don't you break down and call Lucy? What? And give her the satisfaction of knowing that I gave in first? Well, I was just thinking.
Besides, the line was busy.
Well, what do you want to do? Go through life with a sticky upper plate? There are other places to eat besides this drugstore, you know.
You know what I mean.
I know all about this business.
Why don't you swallow your pride? I'm having enough trouble with this sandwich.
If only we could think of a way to bring you two together without making you make up first.
Let's give this a good think.
Yeah.
(both slurping) We're very noisy thinkers.
If only the apartment would catch on fire and you could rush in and save Lucy.
What'd she put in there? No, I saw it last week on television.
This girl couldn't stand this guy until he saved her life in a fire.
Then she was so grateful, she married him.
Well, thanks, Fred, that's a swell idea but I hardly think that I will set your apartment building on fire.
Of course, that's it.
You must be daffy or heavily insured.
Oh, you don't understand.
We just pretend to set the apartment on fire.
How do you pretend to have a fire? It's easy.
(no dialogue) That strap tight enough, Lucy? I guess so.
How about this? A little tighter.
How's that? Okay.
This comfortable? Yeah.
Now, put your arm in this sling.
Oh.
There.
Okay.
That's great.
You look fine.
I hope you got the number of the bus that hit me.
You know you look like you really were hit.
And dragged nine blocks.
Come on, now, get in bed.
Oh, here, I'll help you.
Get your legs up.
Want another pillow? Yeah.
Oh.
How's that? Okay.
Ooh I got an itch.
Where? Right under my arm.
Right back there.
Right there, to the right, to the right.
Over, over, up.
Over? Ah! Oh! Thanks.
I got to go before Ricky gets home.
Are you sure he's coming, Ethel? I called the club, and they said he was out but they'd give him the message.
Well, I hope he hurries.
Are you okay? Okay? I've been in a terrible accident.
Good luck.
She must be in the bedroom.
Pull that couch out of there.
Okay.
Hurry up.
Hurry up.
That ought to do it.
Hook up the fan.
Okay.
Here, here's the switch.
Right in here.
I got it.
Go ahead.
Think this ought to do it? Yeah, looks like it.
Help, fire, the building's on fire.
(siren sounding) Run for your lives! Hey, what's going on here? What's going on here? Ricky, I'm glad you're here.
Lucy's trapped in the bedroom.
Well, I'm going to go in there and save her.
No, no, the whole place is a solid wall of flames.
I'm going in there no matter what you say.
Hold him, men, hold him.
Let me go, let me go.
(siren) I'm going in there and save my wife.
FRED: Stand back.
You'll be burned to a cinder.
I'm going in there, men, let me go.
I'm going in there no matter what happens.
Careful, everybody the whole building is beginning to crumble.
I'm going in no matter what happens to me.
Let me go, let me go, let me go, fellows.
Don't hold me back.
Do you think it's time to go in? Yeah.
All right.
I'm going in there.
Lucy, don't worry.
I'm coming in to save you.
Right now.
Here we go.
Where are you, Lucy? Where are you? Are you in there? She's not here.
She's not in there.
Well, how do you like that.
We went through all that trouble and she wasn't even here.
Gee, honey, now are you sure those bandages are fake? Uh, yeah, honey.
Are you sure you're all right? I'm fine.
Here, honey, let me help you.
It's a good thing the Mertzes had their awning up.
Aw, honey, it was all my fault.
No, it was my fault, honey.
Weren't we silly? Yeah, we'll never argue again.
No, baby.
Are you okay, Lucy? Yeah, Fred, I'm fine.
Sure? Sure.
Oh, thank heavens you're all right.
Why? What's the matter? Well, when I told Ethel the whole gag was my idea she got mad and went home to her mother.
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