Kung Fu Panda: The Paws of Destiny (2018) s01e22 Episode Script
Rise of the Empress
Hate to ask the obvious question, but what the flippin' flip are these things? Get behind me, Jing.
Stop right there! Hmm.
Well, that was easy.
Look out! Was that a chiblast? Do these things have chi? Whoa! Chi'dup or not, there's only three of them, and five of us.
We can totally take 'em.
Or not.
Bao, quick, we need cover.
I'm on it.
Hyah! I'll hold 'em off on the left.
You can take the left, Master Po.
No, no, after you, m'lady.
Guys, I'm just gonna make this call.
Master Po, you cover the right.
Nu Hai and Fan Tong, take the left.
And I'll just stand by till one of you gets morbidly injured.
Hyah! Whoo-hoo! Now that's teamwork.
Uh, actually, that's teamwork.
And they regenerate.
Great.
Hyah! Huh? That's how we stop them.
What are we waiting for? Let's do this.
Hyah! That wasn't so bad.
Yeah, but how many of these walking hot pots are out there? And what are they? And who are they working for? And is there a bathroom nearby? What? I thought this was, like, open Q and A time.
Om.
Oh, hey there, roguish villain.
You lookin' at me? Well, I guess I'm gonna have to show you some of my sweet kung fu techniques.
Tickle attack! Single nose hair pull! Wet-willy! Hyah! So, thoughts? You are incredibly bad at kung fu.
Thanks for the constructive criticism.
Lesson number one: you must always expect the unexpected.
Oh, wait, yeah, hold on.
I need to write this down.
You've never heard that phrase? - It's a cliche.
- Hyah! I see you're a quick learner.
Now, time for lessons two through six Whoo! Right on! Hyah-five! Hundred forty-seven.
Ow! What? Are you crying? There's no crying in kung fu Don't forget lesson one, Jade.
Always expect the unex Wow, you're a really good teacher.
Hyah! You impressed me today, Empress.
Cool.
Does this mean I'm a total kung fu master now? No.
Great! And does it mean you and I are official BFFs now? Absolutely not.
Oh, great! Okay, so from now on, I'll just light a candle in my window whenever I wanna chit-chat or trade some hot goss.
Only light a candle if you really, really, really, really, really, really need me.
Oh, I see.
You're more of an introvert type.
That's okay.
We can be pen pals.
You can read, can't you? I have an urgent message for "Mistress Shi Long and or Current Resident.
" - Give that to me.
- Ah! "Po and the Four Constellations "have been spotted at Volcano Island"? Ugh! I never should have put my secret lab in a volcano.
It's far too obvious.
Wait a second.
The letter only says they were spotted.
"Spotted"? What does that even mean? Were they captured? Moderately maimed? Well, that's the Chow Chows for ya.
I mean, great at following orders, but no eye for detail.
Anyhoo, I'm gonna hit the head.
As the old saying goes, "If you want something done right, you've got to hire competent employees.
" "And if you neglected to do that, you've got to do it yourself.
" Prepare the Royal Dirigible.
I'm going to Volcano Island.
Huh? Coast is clear.
Let's fall into sneak formation and commence sneaking.
Reverse sneak.
Reverse sneak.
Snap out of it, bozo.
It's only freakin' Po.
Oh, my son.
Po, you're alive! Dads! You're here, for some reason.
Oh, son.
I know we've only been apart for a few days but it feels like seven years! Get in here, Cart.
Don't be shy.
All right, enough touchy-feely time.
Let's get out of here and go home.
All this running around is murder on my toe warts.
Grandma, we can't go home yet.
We still have questions to answer, volcanoes to explore.
Bathrooms to find.
Nu Hai's right.
We need to learn as much as we can from this weird volcano facility.
Oh, and one other teensy-weensy item, before we escape we also need to figure out how to escape.
Any ideas? We can find a window to jump out of.
Feel free to take the lead on this one, Master Po.
No, no, no, no, no.
After you, madame.
No, no, no, no, no.
After you, good sir.
- Please, I defer.
- Not if I defer first.
Everybody, quiet! Shut your yappers and listen up.
There's a new sheriff here in Volcano Town.
There is? Who? Me, you moron! Now, here's how it's gonna go.
I've constructed the weapon to your exact specifications, Highness.
Wow! Peasants can work fast when they want to.
Impeccable craftsmanship.
So, do you need, like, a gift receipt, or Oh, no.
This one's for me.
In my first act as your supreme leader, I've implemented a system for managing group communications.
It's called the Hand.
No one is allowed to speak, unless you hold the Hand.
Uh-uh-uh! Not without the Hand.
I think we can all agree that while Rooster did somehow manage to invent this somewhat helpful administrative device, the bird is in all other respects, a terrible leader and he should not, under any circumstances, be followed! Excuse me? How dare you Uh-uh-uh! Oh.
Defeated by my own Hand.
I suggest we form two groups, for efficiency's sake.
Po, my son, the Dragon Master, will obviously lead my group - since I cannot bear - Huh? to be parted from him ever, ever Ever again.
Thanks, Sad.
I mean, Dad.
I'll take group two, and we can figure out what's going on around here.
This must be the laboratory where they designed those Terracotta whatsits.
Hey, y'all.
Not to brag, but also just to brag I just found a major clue.
Hmm? According to this map, it looks like the materials were secretly shipped in from all over China.
Check this creepiness.
"Day 50.
Experiment 32.
"The subject responded positively to our new chi-removal technique.
" So they were experimenting with powering the Terracottas by draining chifrom citizens? But that wouldn't be enough chito power an army.
They must have found another source.
Let's get back to the others.
So if I'm reading my context clues right, this volcano is more than just a lab It's a whole flippin' factory! And these Terracotta warriors aren't just a one-off monster-of-the-week kind of villain.
They're a full-scale army.
Oh, snap, that means the Empress is in danger.
I gotta go warn her.
She won't be happy to hear about it.
Hope she doesn't shoot the messenger.
Great point, Grandma.
Hey, Fan Tong, the Empress is in danger.
You gotta go warn her.
As a seasoned bureaucrat myself, I can tell you, whoever is behind this must have ties to the Feds.
Now, think, have we met any suspicious government officials recently? Shi Long.
Now, now, let's not jump to conclusions.
Is there anyone else we've met who seems, particularly sinister? Shi Long! Let me finish.
Sinister and cold-blooded.
Shi Long! Literally, dude, she's a lizard.
Someone with a motive, say, perhaps a bone to pick with the royal family, a vendetta born out of, say, jealousy or sibling rivalry.
Shi Long! She literally threw us in the bay.
Now, that could have been a coincidence.
So let's stay open-minded.
It very well could be someone else.
Such as uh Yep, it's Shi Long.
If Shi Long is amassing an army, and she definitely is, then Empress Xiao and the entire Kingdom are in a whole bunch of danger! I've got a plan.
Okay.
Let's hear both plans.
Starting with Rooster.
My plan is simple.
For phase one of 17, we'll need three eagles, one pair of chopsticks, and a giant balloon! Cool.
Nu Hai's plan it is.
Yes! Open up, Princess.
Princess? I believe you meant to say "Empress".
Don't forget, General Fang.
You work for me.
Not the other way around.
What do you want, General Fang? Time for your fighting lessons, Princess.
For the last time, I'm the Empress now.
And I don't need fighting lessons from you anymore.
I'll be the judge of that.
Come on, "Empress".
Show me what you've got.
Ah! Bring it, kibble-breath.
The ol' Fang boy's still got some move Ow! Ah! You can't hide from me, Empress.
I know these halls like the back What? Like the back of your head? Or is it the back of your hand? General Fang, your behavior is unacceptable.
Shi Long and I will see to it that you are swiftly degeneralized and subjected to a strict regimen of anger management therapy.
Aw, you still think Shi Long is your friend? I always knew you were a bit simple, but wow.
What do you mean? Shi Long is my sister.
Well, I mean my adopted sister.
But still, she'd have no reason to resent me just because I was our father's favorite and the heir to the throne, and a fashion icon, and a natural beauty.
I don't know what you're alluding to, Fang, but I do know your betrayal will not go unpunished.
Guards! Hello, guards? A little help, please.
Seize him.
Wait, wait.
What's going on? Why aren't you obeying me? Is this a coup? I order you to stop this coup! You're all alone, Empress.
And you won't be Empress for long.
You know, at first I thought hiding inside these terracotta suits would be stuffy and awkward.
Turns out, I was right.
I'll admit.
They're a wee bit snug.
Everyone else doing okay? Honestly, please just say yes, 'cause there's nothing we can do about it now.
I would be if Wing had put on deodorant this morning.
Sorry, boss.
It's so easy to forget.
Hmm.
Oh.
Hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Oh, no.
Cart.
Ah.
Hmm.
Shipment approved.
Next.
Our terrible disguises actually worked? Awesome.
"Twelve Terracotta warriors in group A" Halt that train! Halt the train! - Halt the train! - Halt the train! Halting! My liege.
What's going on out there? I'm gonna take a wild stab and say "bad stuff".
We are honored by your presence.
Real talk, though, is there a surprise inspection? Is there a mass layoff? Am I fired? Please say I'm not fired! You're extremely paranoid, and no.
I'm here to find Po and the Four Constellations.
I know they're here somewhere, and I won't rest until I've found them.
Don't you dare.
No! It's everywhere! Everywhere! I surrender! Ah! Mercy! Please, have mercy! The warthogs made me do it! Master Po, we have to save them.
Do we? Okay, fine.
So we meet again, for the last time.
Yeah! Hyah! Hyah! Yeah! Huh? Take your dirty mutt mitts off my son! Huh? It's no use.
More keep coming.
Go! Yee-haw! Oh, boy.
And so it ends.
Not with a bang, but more of an "Ah, I'm burning" kind of sound.
Run! Oh! Hmm.
Hyah!
Stop right there! Hmm.
Well, that was easy.
Look out! Was that a chiblast? Do these things have chi? Whoa! Chi'dup or not, there's only three of them, and five of us.
We can totally take 'em.
Or not.
Bao, quick, we need cover.
I'm on it.
Hyah! I'll hold 'em off on the left.
You can take the left, Master Po.
No, no, after you, m'lady.
Guys, I'm just gonna make this call.
Master Po, you cover the right.
Nu Hai and Fan Tong, take the left.
And I'll just stand by till one of you gets morbidly injured.
Hyah! Whoo-hoo! Now that's teamwork.
Uh, actually, that's teamwork.
And they regenerate.
Great.
Hyah! Huh? That's how we stop them.
What are we waiting for? Let's do this.
Hyah! That wasn't so bad.
Yeah, but how many of these walking hot pots are out there? And what are they? And who are they working for? And is there a bathroom nearby? What? I thought this was, like, open Q and A time.
Om.
Oh, hey there, roguish villain.
You lookin' at me? Well, I guess I'm gonna have to show you some of my sweet kung fu techniques.
Tickle attack! Single nose hair pull! Wet-willy! Hyah! So, thoughts? You are incredibly bad at kung fu.
Thanks for the constructive criticism.
Lesson number one: you must always expect the unexpected.
Oh, wait, yeah, hold on.
I need to write this down.
You've never heard that phrase? - It's a cliche.
- Hyah! I see you're a quick learner.
Now, time for lessons two through six Whoo! Right on! Hyah-five! Hundred forty-seven.
Ow! What? Are you crying? There's no crying in kung fu Don't forget lesson one, Jade.
Always expect the unex Wow, you're a really good teacher.
Hyah! You impressed me today, Empress.
Cool.
Does this mean I'm a total kung fu master now? No.
Great! And does it mean you and I are official BFFs now? Absolutely not.
Oh, great! Okay, so from now on, I'll just light a candle in my window whenever I wanna chit-chat or trade some hot goss.
Only light a candle if you really, really, really, really, really, really need me.
Oh, I see.
You're more of an introvert type.
That's okay.
We can be pen pals.
You can read, can't you? I have an urgent message for "Mistress Shi Long and or Current Resident.
" - Give that to me.
- Ah! "Po and the Four Constellations "have been spotted at Volcano Island"? Ugh! I never should have put my secret lab in a volcano.
It's far too obvious.
Wait a second.
The letter only says they were spotted.
"Spotted"? What does that even mean? Were they captured? Moderately maimed? Well, that's the Chow Chows for ya.
I mean, great at following orders, but no eye for detail.
Anyhoo, I'm gonna hit the head.
As the old saying goes, "If you want something done right, you've got to hire competent employees.
" "And if you neglected to do that, you've got to do it yourself.
" Prepare the Royal Dirigible.
I'm going to Volcano Island.
Huh? Coast is clear.
Let's fall into sneak formation and commence sneaking.
Reverse sneak.
Reverse sneak.
Snap out of it, bozo.
It's only freakin' Po.
Oh, my son.
Po, you're alive! Dads! You're here, for some reason.
Oh, son.
I know we've only been apart for a few days but it feels like seven years! Get in here, Cart.
Don't be shy.
All right, enough touchy-feely time.
Let's get out of here and go home.
All this running around is murder on my toe warts.
Grandma, we can't go home yet.
We still have questions to answer, volcanoes to explore.
Bathrooms to find.
Nu Hai's right.
We need to learn as much as we can from this weird volcano facility.
Oh, and one other teensy-weensy item, before we escape we also need to figure out how to escape.
Any ideas? We can find a window to jump out of.
Feel free to take the lead on this one, Master Po.
No, no, no, no, no.
After you, madame.
No, no, no, no, no.
After you, good sir.
- Please, I defer.
- Not if I defer first.
Everybody, quiet! Shut your yappers and listen up.
There's a new sheriff here in Volcano Town.
There is? Who? Me, you moron! Now, here's how it's gonna go.
I've constructed the weapon to your exact specifications, Highness.
Wow! Peasants can work fast when they want to.
Impeccable craftsmanship.
So, do you need, like, a gift receipt, or Oh, no.
This one's for me.
In my first act as your supreme leader, I've implemented a system for managing group communications.
It's called the Hand.
No one is allowed to speak, unless you hold the Hand.
Uh-uh-uh! Not without the Hand.
I think we can all agree that while Rooster did somehow manage to invent this somewhat helpful administrative device, the bird is in all other respects, a terrible leader and he should not, under any circumstances, be followed! Excuse me? How dare you Uh-uh-uh! Oh.
Defeated by my own Hand.
I suggest we form two groups, for efficiency's sake.
Po, my son, the Dragon Master, will obviously lead my group - since I cannot bear - Huh? to be parted from him ever, ever Ever again.
Thanks, Sad.
I mean, Dad.
I'll take group two, and we can figure out what's going on around here.
This must be the laboratory where they designed those Terracotta whatsits.
Hey, y'all.
Not to brag, but also just to brag I just found a major clue.
Hmm? According to this map, it looks like the materials were secretly shipped in from all over China.
Check this creepiness.
"Day 50.
Experiment 32.
"The subject responded positively to our new chi-removal technique.
" So they were experimenting with powering the Terracottas by draining chifrom citizens? But that wouldn't be enough chito power an army.
They must have found another source.
Let's get back to the others.
So if I'm reading my context clues right, this volcano is more than just a lab It's a whole flippin' factory! And these Terracotta warriors aren't just a one-off monster-of-the-week kind of villain.
They're a full-scale army.
Oh, snap, that means the Empress is in danger.
I gotta go warn her.
She won't be happy to hear about it.
Hope she doesn't shoot the messenger.
Great point, Grandma.
Hey, Fan Tong, the Empress is in danger.
You gotta go warn her.
As a seasoned bureaucrat myself, I can tell you, whoever is behind this must have ties to the Feds.
Now, think, have we met any suspicious government officials recently? Shi Long.
Now, now, let's not jump to conclusions.
Is there anyone else we've met who seems, particularly sinister? Shi Long! Let me finish.
Sinister and cold-blooded.
Shi Long! Literally, dude, she's a lizard.
Someone with a motive, say, perhaps a bone to pick with the royal family, a vendetta born out of, say, jealousy or sibling rivalry.
Shi Long! She literally threw us in the bay.
Now, that could have been a coincidence.
So let's stay open-minded.
It very well could be someone else.
Such as uh Yep, it's Shi Long.
If Shi Long is amassing an army, and she definitely is, then Empress Xiao and the entire Kingdom are in a whole bunch of danger! I've got a plan.
Okay.
Let's hear both plans.
Starting with Rooster.
My plan is simple.
For phase one of 17, we'll need three eagles, one pair of chopsticks, and a giant balloon! Cool.
Nu Hai's plan it is.
Yes! Open up, Princess.
Princess? I believe you meant to say "Empress".
Don't forget, General Fang.
You work for me.
Not the other way around.
What do you want, General Fang? Time for your fighting lessons, Princess.
For the last time, I'm the Empress now.
And I don't need fighting lessons from you anymore.
I'll be the judge of that.
Come on, "Empress".
Show me what you've got.
Ah! Bring it, kibble-breath.
The ol' Fang boy's still got some move Ow! Ah! You can't hide from me, Empress.
I know these halls like the back What? Like the back of your head? Or is it the back of your hand? General Fang, your behavior is unacceptable.
Shi Long and I will see to it that you are swiftly degeneralized and subjected to a strict regimen of anger management therapy.
Aw, you still think Shi Long is your friend? I always knew you were a bit simple, but wow.
What do you mean? Shi Long is my sister.
Well, I mean my adopted sister.
But still, she'd have no reason to resent me just because I was our father's favorite and the heir to the throne, and a fashion icon, and a natural beauty.
I don't know what you're alluding to, Fang, but I do know your betrayal will not go unpunished.
Guards! Hello, guards? A little help, please.
Seize him.
Wait, wait.
What's going on? Why aren't you obeying me? Is this a coup? I order you to stop this coup! You're all alone, Empress.
And you won't be Empress for long.
You know, at first I thought hiding inside these terracotta suits would be stuffy and awkward.
Turns out, I was right.
I'll admit.
They're a wee bit snug.
Everyone else doing okay? Honestly, please just say yes, 'cause there's nothing we can do about it now.
I would be if Wing had put on deodorant this morning.
Sorry, boss.
It's so easy to forget.
Hmm.
Oh.
Hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Oh, no.
Cart.
Ah.
Hmm.
Shipment approved.
Next.
Our terrible disguises actually worked? Awesome.
"Twelve Terracotta warriors in group A" Halt that train! Halt the train! - Halt the train! - Halt the train! Halting! My liege.
What's going on out there? I'm gonna take a wild stab and say "bad stuff".
We are honored by your presence.
Real talk, though, is there a surprise inspection? Is there a mass layoff? Am I fired? Please say I'm not fired! You're extremely paranoid, and no.
I'm here to find Po and the Four Constellations.
I know they're here somewhere, and I won't rest until I've found them.
Don't you dare.
No! It's everywhere! Everywhere! I surrender! Ah! Mercy! Please, have mercy! The warthogs made me do it! Master Po, we have to save them.
Do we? Okay, fine.
So we meet again, for the last time.
Yeah! Hyah! Hyah! Yeah! Huh? Take your dirty mutt mitts off my son! Huh? It's no use.
More keep coming.
Go! Yee-haw! Oh, boy.
And so it ends.
Not with a bang, but more of an "Ah, I'm burning" kind of sound.
Run! Oh! Hmm.
Hyah!