Life with Boys (2011) s01e22 Episode Script

All right, here's the plan: We're gonna hit Venice, and we're gonna hit it hard.
After we take Venice, we're gonna march through Milan, carve our way south to Florence, leaving nothing to stop us as we take the ultimate prize: Roma! And if we aren't victorious, let neither of us return alive.
Allie, we're taking a class trip to Italy, not attacking it.
Wake up and smell the espresso, soldier! By the time we get through the old fountains and the old paintings and the old sculptures Which, let's be honest, they should really put some clothes on.
We're only gonna have eight point three hours of quality shopping time.
Only eight point three hours? We are gonna need running shoes and seats in the front of every bus.
Good thinking, soldier.
Yes! This is gonna be the coolest trip ever.
That country's not going to know what hit it.
Who wants chocolate-covered pretzels? Chocolate-covered pretzels? What's wrong? What? Just 'cause I've got chocolate-covered pretzels doesn't mean there's something wrong.
Oh, really.
Who wants a chocolate-covered pretzel? I ran over your tricycle.
Who wants a chocolate-covered pretzel? I ran over your scooter.
Who wants a chocolate-covered pretzel? This time I didn't run over anything! But your goldfish is dead.
Fine.
I've got bad news.
Stacey has the flu and she won't be going on the class trip.
So, what? She doesn't like us anyways.
Yeah, but, uh, she was supposed to be rooming with Kaylee.
The bed by the window is mine.
The first shower in the morning is mine.
Any chocolates on the pillows are mine.
Mine! Mine! Mine! Why? Why? Why? The other chaperones and I had to put her somewhere, and the only fair thing to do was draw names from a hat, and you and Allie lost.
I knew you'd understand.
Love you, bye.
Worst pretzel day ever.
Feels like I'm caught in the middle Drama comes with every new day So far to fall Walking the tightrope But I wouldn't have it any other way We're gonna put one foot in front of the other Get tripped up and step on one another We move ahead and try to keep it on track 'Cause we know we got each other's back Don't need to fight it No need to deny It's a crazy life, a random life A wonderful life Tess, slow down.
You're about to hit your Ow! Finger.
Okay, I know you're upset about rooming with Kaylee, but that's because you're only focused on the negatives.
Focus on the positives.
Okay, there are no positives.
Remember when you said next time you tried to help, but made things worse, I should point it out? Mmm-hmm.
I'm pointing it out.
Look, I'm sorry, I just don't get why it's so hard for you to get along with her.
I do.
Oh, come on, Kaylee has had it in for me since, like, forever.
You look like a little boy.
I'm not a boy.
I'm a girl.
You look like a boy.
You look like poop.
Who likes my sparkly shoes? I have pretty shoes too.
My sparkly shoes! Look, maybe Kaylee started this, but now you're stuck with her, so deal with it.
I'm buying a new wardrobe, and I won't have you two bickering Bettys splattering gelato all over it.
You didn't put enough sunscreen on.
You're gonna burn, you know.
And you're not going to get any colour at all.
True, but in 40 years when your skin looks like an old leather couch, you will remember this day and weep.
Sam, when you go to Italy, will you bring me back something? Sure, Spence.
What? A Sam that doesn't suck the joy out of life's simple pleasures.
No running! Most accidents happen in the home! Ugh! Hey, Gabe, you left your cell phone on the kitchen counter.
Oh, thanks Dad.
There was a text on it from your friend, Brandon.
Oh, whatever he said, he was joking.
Oh, so he was kidding when he texted, regarding the party I told you you couldn't go to Yeah.
"See you at the party, dude.
You sure lucked out with your old man going out of town.
" Class clown, always makes me laugh.
You're right.
He is a funny guy.
Hey, we should tell him.
"You're a funny guy, dude.
But my Dad already told my grandma, who's staying with us, that I can't go.
Besides, I would never betray him like that, because he's the greatest dad in the whole world, and I'm lucky to have him.
" Aww.
I love you too.
Send.
Now, Tess would never ask you to put Kaylee in another room because that would be going behind her father's back, and she is way to good of a person for that.
Luckily for her, Allie not so good.
I'm sorry but Coach Foster drew your room number out of a hat.
Now, personally, I had a nifty little mathematical formula all worked out, but Jack said, "No, leave it up to chance.
" That man would pick the space station's orbital altitude by pulling a number out of the goblet of fire.
But she's really upset.
I've never seen her this miserable.
Buon giorno, Mr.
Bennett.
And arrivederci, Mr.
Bennett.
Ooo-ooh! Teenage girls, wild mood swings.
Be glad you live alone.
I don't live alone, I have a turtle.
Of course you do.
Well, someone added a little extra loopy to their Fruit Loops this morning.
What changed? Well, I was coming down the stairs so, not using enough sunscreen leads to skin aging, easy bruising, moles, age spots, liver spots and those scaly blotches known as "actinic keratosis".
Think about that, pretty boy.
Okay, when Sam's like that, how does it not make you want to pull your hair out? First, when you have hair like this, you don't even think about pulling it out.
Second, I just tune him out.
It's easy.
For example, just now, when Sam was saying whatever he was saying, all I heard was: And so, not using enough sunscreen leads to skin aging.
Works every time.
So all I have to do is tune her out.
How hard can that be? I can't believe I finally get to go to Italy, and I'm stuck in a room with you.
I mean, I don't even like how you look now.
What are you going to look like in the morning, when Is it working? Let's just say, Gabe totally saved my blah.
And by "blah", I mean "butt".
Mom, what do you mean you can't watch the kids? A fractured hip? Oh, no.
Have you tried walking it off? I've heard that Pilates is an excell Okay, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
It's just, we're leaving here tomorrow and What do you mean, you've got it taken care of? So, just to go over it again, no party for Gabe, Spencer needs to brush his teeth all the way in the back and he needs to be in bed by 9:00.
Then on Tuesday at 2:00 a.
m.
, sneak into his room, shave his head and paint it red.
He loves that.
You're not even listening, are you? Gabe, no party, Spencer brush in back, bed by 9:00, shave head on Tuesday, ha-ha.
Multi-tasking, bro.
Relax, I got this.
"Relax, I got this.
" You know, just because you invent video games for kids doesn't mean you know how to watch them.
This is a huge responsibility.
I'm sorry, what was that? Jerry! Ha-ha-ha.
I'm kidding, dude.
I get it.
It's the first time you're leaving your kids with anyone, and, as usual, you're stressing out.
For once, why don't you just do what I do? What? And don't have kids? It's a little late for that, dude.
Hey, Uncle Jerry.
Nice try, slick, but your Dad already made it clear he doesn't want you going to that party.
Of course, tell me you're going to your friend's house to study, how am I supposed to know the difference? Yes, yes, yes, yes! You're never gonna get away with it.
Get away with what? I don't know but, but whatever it is, Dad just gave me a 9:00 bedtime, and I won't risk it being sucked into your shenanigans.
And don't even think about using this armrest, because I have pom-pom shoulder, which means When we get to the hotel, you better not be a snorer.
Because then I won't sleep, and I'll get circles under my eyes, and when I show people pictures of me in Italy, they'll say, "What happened?" and I'll say "Tess Foster is what happened.
" Hold that thought.
It's Gabe.
It stopped working.
What stopped working? The tuning-out thing.
I can hear Kaylee again.
Mmm.
You must've hit the ten-minute wall.
What ten-minute wall? You didn't tell me about a ten-minute wall.
Well, there's a ten-minute wall.
It stops working after that.
But I'm stuck with her for a week! Bummer.
Bye.
Uh, Miss, you're gonna have to take your seat.
Oh, um, there wouldn't happen to be any other seats available, would there? As a matter of fact, yes.
It's in first class, and it's an extra $5,000.
Great.
Dad? Sure.
Just give me a minute to sell one of my kidneys.
Great.
Ciao, caro ragazzo Italiano.
Il mio nome è, Kaylee.
Don't even think about it.
Potete dirmi dove posso comprare, flushable moist wipes.
Okay, Sam.
Since you're my brother and I love you, we can switch seats.
You can sit beside Allie and Kaylee, two of the cutest girls in school.
Talk about the "hot seat".
Okay, first, both have made it painfully clear that the only way I'm going to date either one of them is in my dreams.
Which I have.
And even there, it ends badly.
And second, I happen to be sitting next to supermodel Anna Maria Bonaventura.
No offense, but if you can't get anywhere with Allie and Kaylee, what makes you think you have a chance with her? Again, first, the next time you're having a bad hair day, I'm going to point it out.
Second, you're having a bad hair day.
And third Once this hits the internet, the Twitter-verse is gonna think we're in a committed thang.
Can you say "10,000 new followers"? Hello.
Winning.
Do you have to do that? Do what? You mumble when you read.
Oh, right.
I've always done that.
It drives my family crazy.
Okay, see you later, Spence.
I'm headed off to my friend's to study.
Still don't believe you.
Still don't want to know.
You hit those books hard, buddy.
You know I will.
And, if I'm gonna be a little late, I'll give you a call.
No need, my man.
It's cool.
"No need"? No need, bra.
Great.
Don't you want to know that I'm okay? I mean, that I'm not studying irresponsibly? Nah.
I trust you.
Great.
You trust me? I'm a 16-year-old boy, we're a very untrustworthy group.
Sad, but true.
I know, I read the Christmas update letters your dad sends out.
Is it true you melted his sunglasses in the oven and dropped his razor in the toilet on the exact same day? Yes! Wicked.
And you're okay with sending that guy out into the world without checking upon him at all? Totes ma-goats.
But I could end up in a ditch or the hospital or jail! I, for one, am not gonna let myself out of this house, and that's final.
That is one complicated boy.
Or a ridiculously simple one.
Buon giorno! How was Italy? Bon crappo.
Aw, too bad.
What'd you bring me? Tess ruined the whole trip.
Well, Sam, come on.
Your sister didn't ruin the whole trip.
Remember that time in Rome when she went to the bathroom and we almost had a good time? What a glorious two minutes that was.
Aw, too bad.
What'd you bring me? Would you guys stop blaming me? It wasn't my fault, it was Kaylee's.
"I mumble when I read, deal with it.
I hog the bathroom, deal with it.
I think I'll buy the same hat you just bought, and make it look better on me, deal with it.
Speaking of buying things, what did you bring me? A model of the Coliseum, complete with lions and fake blood.
Cool! I told you you should've bought it.
He got you a t-shirt and chocolates that melted on the bus.
Cooler! That's my boy.
It's called "sarcasm", Dad.
Look it up.
Ha! That's my boy! Well, it's official, this trip was a disaster.
That was not my fault! Hey there, Jackie-Boy.
You know the best part of being an uncle? Here it comes.
I get to do this: later, dude! See you, Uncle Jerry.
Bye.
Bye, Uncle Jerry.
I don't get it.
You guys went to Italy, how bad could it have been? How bad, you ask? Why, let's take a trip down memory lane.
Oh, let us.
All right, there we are in front of the Trevi Fountain.
And who can forget the fun we had at the Leaning Tower of Pisa.
And then, of course, there was that happy hat day.
Yeah.
I tried my best.
Did you really? You totally let her push your buttons.
Push, push, push.
You are not really here.
You're just the bad pot roast I had on the plane.
Ugh.
I told you you should've had the chicken.
But I suppose that's Kaylee's fault too.
Sometimes I wish you would just shut up.
That is rude.
Not if I'm talking to myself.
You know, I don't actually have to talk for you to hear me.
I'm always going to be in here.
What do you want from me? I want you to admit that Kaylee didn't ruin the trip, you did.
Me? Tell me how someone who can survive three brothers can't survive someone like Kaylee.
I can't help it! She just gets to me! And how's that working out for you? That's a dumb question.
I hate it.
Well, here's a not so dumb question: Why do you let her? Hey, I tried tuning her out with that whole "blah-blah" thing.
I'm not talking about tuning her out, I'm talking about not giving her the power to upset you in the first place.
You make it seem like I have a choice.
Well, don't you? Remember that wrestler, Ty Watkins, from Eastlake High? He's bigger than you, stronger than you, but do you ever let that freak you out? No, I just picture him as the insignificant, little lizard he is and take him down.
So you won't let someone like that get to you, but someone like Kaylee you'll let ruin a whole country for you.
Doesn't make much sense, does it? No.
Why didn't you tell me this on the plane? I just did.
Ladies and gentlemen, if you look out your windows, you'll see the beautiful and ancient city of Rome.
I'm cuter than you.
That's dumb, we're twins.
Hey, Jack? What? I'm cuter than you.
Yeah, well I'm potty trained.
Liar.
Hey, bro, why's your face all scrunchie? I'm just thinking really hard.