Melissa & Joey s01e22 Episode Script

"Melissa & Joey" is recorded in front of a live studio audience.
Hey, somebody had a fabulous night.
Can you spot her? Where'd you go? Where didn't we go? Let's see-- big fun, more fun, drinking fun, salsa fun.
Ooh, get-out-before- the-cops-come fun.
Five kinds of fun.
Let me just point out at fun-thirty in the morning that just because you're dating a 24-year-old doesn't mean that you're 24.
I don't know.
I think it kind of does.
Yeah, what's wrong with having a good time? Just not a lot of time.
You're already in your 30s.
You know, six months with the wrong guy is just like six months wasted.
Don't you think you should be looking for more of a substantial meal instead of just filling up with junk food? Can I help it if junk food can't keep its hands off me? Besides, George is the right guy for right now.
Wow, checkmate.
There's no way I can come back from No, you can't.
So speaking of wasting time, what did you do tonight? Watch lingerie football? No, season's over.
We'll get 'em next year.
- You know what your problem is, Longo? - No cool wristbands? No, you think everyone should live their lives your way.
No, I'm just saying you should be looking out for more of a long-term guy.
- That's all.
- What, a husband? Something like that.
Why? I've already got an annoying know-it-all guy who sits on my couch that I don't have sex with.
What more do I need? Honey, will you grab me a beer? - it's all good - all good - it's okay - okay - it's all right - all right as far as I can see - it's all good - all good - it's okay - okay - it's all right - all right I guess you're stuck with me.
Hey, Lennox, I looked at the school blog online and never s-- No.
no no no.
Don't say blog.
No blog.
School blog, really? You logged on the school blog? expecting to see something interesting and yet found nothing and you're wondering why? Not anymore.
- I tried to warn you.
- You did a hell of a job.
Mr.
Shamtoub made us co-editors.
And I cannot work with Roman.
So nothing gets on the blog because Roman doesn't like my brilliant stuff, and I don't like his stupid stuff.
Because it's stupid.
Can't you guys just collaborate with each other? You don't learn, do you? You can't collaborate with people who do not listen to you.
He doesn't even let me finish a sentence.
- Yeah, I can't stand-- - It's just so frustrating.
I bet.
Hey, I love your hair, you're doing something different with it? No, don't try to distract me by talking about my hair.
No no no, it's so shiny.
Are you using something new? Yeah, it's called strawberry-scented anger.
Oh well, it is working for you.
Uh-oh, nanny in a suit.
What does it mean, eight more weeks of winter? Ha, that's-- no, I actually have a meeting.
Handing out my business card last week yielded a few calls.
Longo's getting back into the game.
I may be doing some part-time consulting with this startup.
Well, good luck.
You can tell me when you have a job interview.
You don't have to hide things from me.
Look, I know you're still in horny heaven with George and nothing else matters, but I did tell you, Okay? I have nothing to hide.
- What's this? - Nothing.
Can I have that, please? An anniversary card? Whose anniversary is it? - Mel.
- "Dearest Tiffany.
" Tiffany? You're sending an anniversary card to your ex-wife? Why? If you have to know, yesterday I got a postcard from the chalet we went on our honeymoon, and it said, "We miss you.
Come ski us again.
" I guess they didn't hear you two stopped skiing each other.
I am just reaching out to her on our anniversary, all right? And I found a card with an appropriate message.
You found a card that says, "Thanks for turning my heart out, you gold-digging bitch"? Look, I'm just trying to be a friend here, okay, on a day when she's gonna be sad and lonely and probably watching that video we made on our honeymoon.
My bagel just came back on me.
No, we rode our bikes to the top of a volcano and a guy videotaped us there at the top of the crater Doing it.
I'm kidding.
I just wanted to see that face.
- Joe, this is a bad idea.
- What is the big deal? I'm just gonna swing by her place after my meeting and give it to her.
That's what I'm worried about-- you giving it to her.
I'm gonna mail her this.
Mel, I didn't even seal that envelope yet.
You should not be licking anything that says Tiffany on it.
So all these pieces I submitted are terrible.
It's just my opinion, which is always correct.
Every story, every poem, every single line is total suckage? No, you know, there are random moments of unintended hilarity.
You think if you act smarter and better, you're somehow smarter and better.
Yes, and yeah.
Those pieces may not be perfect, but every once in a while, you have to take a chance.
- So you want me to take a chance? - Yeah.
- You really want me to take a chance? - Yeah.
Put your money where your mouth is.
What the heck was that? So, um, you were really just talking about the blog? Yeah.
Because you're really good at metaphors, so I thought-- I'm sorry.
I'm confused.
- Why don't we clear things up? - Yeah.
Knock knock.
Mr.
Shamtoub, we were just-- inspecting each other's lips for defects? I think not.
George, are we supposed to be going out tonight? No no no.
Tonight's your night off.
Rest up for what's to come.
- What's to come? - We just got invited to a party.
"Meet the new girlfriend.
" That's so sweet.
Who's got a new girlfriend? Just some guy named me.
Aha! Yeah, so this guy, me, he's a lot of fun.
You're gonna love him.
He's throwing a party right here so that all his friends can meet his new girlfriend.
There's that word again.
So that's what we're calling it after only 12 days? Am I in trouble? 'Cause I already sent out the evite.
No, it's not a problem.
I was worried you might be thinking that I'm going too fast.
What? Too fast? Who's fast? Not you.
I know I shouldn't have sent out the invite without running it by you first, but I was just so excited.
So you're okay with it? Yeah, I mean, what's not to be okay with, you know? I mean, after all, I am your - Girlfriend.
- You said it.
- Okay, I gotta go.
- All right.
Hey, Mel, I got some great news.
Whoops.
Did I just interrupt another magical moment? - Would that stop you? - Honestly, no.
So my interview went awesome.
They didn't even care that I worked for Scanlon.
They said, "That was the past.
We are Pridemore Financial.
We look toward the future, and that future just might include you, Joe Longo.
" - Way to score, Joe.
- Yeah, you too, buddy.
I mean, thank you.
Well, I hope you can make the party.
- What party? - She'll tell you.
- Later.
- Later.
What party is he talking about? It's nothing.
It's just a little gathering.
I just got an evite.
From George.
"Come meet my new girlfriend.
" - Are you the new girlfriend? - Uh-huh.
Wait a minute.
You don't look I'm comfs.
I'm super comfs.
Yeah? Well, you better tell your face, because it don't look too comfs.
It makes sense.
You guys have been going out four, five minutes now.
Well, almost two weeks.
Two weeks? That's like half his life.
- This is not about his age.
- No, you sure? The young guy's not going a little too fast for you? No, he's moving just right.
You know, and anytime he wants, he can call me that.
Okay, well, then we both got good news.
Because I am this close to getting a new job, and you are this close to being able to say the word "girlfriend.
" - Excuse me.
- Hi.
Wasn't this Pridemore Financial? They cleared out, middle of the night-- so fast they left skid marks.
Turned out they didn't have the financing.
Yeah, but I had a meeting today with the CEO.
Oh, yeah, sure that's still on the schedule.
Yeah, it's right after my date with Jennifer Lopez.
They can't be gone.
No, I had an interview and I nailed it.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I almost completely forgot.
Yeah, they left a message for you.
Look around.
So I take it you're not gonna validate my parking? - About time.
- Uh-oh.
- Sit down.
- Boy trouble? What's his name? - Mr.
Shamtoub.
- A teacher? Oh my God! No.
No no, it's Roman.
We were kissing and Mr.
Shamtoub caught us.
Whoa, I thought you and Roman hated each other.
So now you have to like someone to kiss them? No, good point.
Proceed.
Okay, Mr.
Shamtoub doesn't want two students who are having "a thing" left all alone in the resource room for no reason.
A couple of pregnancies, a lawsuit, and people make up these idiotic rules.
So you want Roman to ask you out? Yes.
No.
God, keep up.
Mr.
Shamtoub says that one of us has to resign as editor, and it's not going to be me.
- So it'll be Roman? - No, he's not gonna do it.
So all this happened because of one little kiss? Actually it was two.
Three if you count the third one.
So what are you gonna do? I don't know.
That's why I was waiting for you.
Really? You wanted my opinion on this? No, I just wanted to hear myself talk so maybe I could figure things out.
Not everything is about you.
I like it better when it's about me.
Wow, what's this? You actually went grocery shopping? I didn't even think you could find the store.
Just buying stuff for the party-- you know, the meet-the-me party.
So how'd the interview go? It went in a U-Haul in the middle of the night.
The company went bust and they took off.
- Joe, I'm so sorry.
- That's all right.
So my career is dead.
My marriage is shot.
But you know what? The good news is that I've officially hit rock bottom.
And in that, Mel, comes a certain serenity.
Longo.
Mr.
Longo, this is Angelo at Valentino's.
I'm calling to confirm your reservation for tonight at your usual table.
Reservation? What are you talking about? I see that it was Mrs.
Longo who made the reservation.
My mistake.
I am so very sorry.
Please forget I called.
Wait a minute, Angelo.
Angelo, wait a minute.
Hello, Angelo.
Can you believe this? Tiffany is using our standing anniversary reservation to take some new guy out.
Well, shouldn't she be able to move on with her life? Yes, but not at our table at our restaurant on our anniversary.
That's like sleeping with another guy in our bed.
- What happened to your serenity? - She sucked it out of me.
- You quit.
- No, you quit.
How about a compromise? You quit and I don't.
I'm a junior.
I'll be applying to colleges first and I need to be editor more.
You know how you're gonna have more time to apply to colleges? By quitting.
Why are we making this such a big deal? Because of a couple of kisses? I know.
It's crazy.
Although that last one rocked.
Okay, it's not an SAT Word, but it's accurate.
True, but for the sake of the blog, we can't do that again.
- No, ever.
- So this non-relationship is over.
- Dead and buried.
- Yeah, 'cause that's the only way we can make this work as co-editors.
- Which is all I care about.
- Yeah, me too.
So.
Let's not risk it.
Hey, I thought you said this was gonna be a small get-together.
I did, but you know, people call people.
Then they call people and the word gets out.
Tristan, Emily, get over here.
Meet my girlfriend.
This is her, my girlfriend.
Yeah, don't call me that.
It's so formal.
Just call me Mel.
So I'm just gonna get some of the stuff out of here.
Hey, little dude, we ran out of guac, so do us a solid-- run to the store and pick some up.
Yeah, 'cause that's what I live for, to do you a solid.
Ignore them, sweetie.
It's just kind of weird with all these people in the house.
Now run to the store and get some guac.
Excuse me.
Wow, look at this turnout.
I didn't realize that spring break was coming to you this year.
I think it's sweet that George has a lot of friends.
- They're all here to meet the girlfriend.
- That goes without saying.
Look at the two of us, huh, Mel? Old and overdressed.
- You're coming to the party? - No, I'm just passing through.
Plus, Valentino's has a dress code.
Valentino's? Wait, you're not seriously gonna show up at Tiffany's date, are you? Yeah, I wanna see who she's desecrating my anniversary with.
I'm sort of sentimental that way.
You can't do that.
I won't let you.
Don't worry about it.
You have 5,000 new friends to attend to here.
No no no.
If you go, I'm going with you.
Are you crazy? You're gonna leave your house full of all these strangers? George will watch the place.
He's very mature.
I trust him.
Hey, listen, can you guys tell George that his girl-- Mel had to go to Valentino's real quick because my nanny doesn't know how to be divorced, okay? - Thanks.
- Who's George? I don't know.
Who was that blonde? I don't know.
She's pretty hot for an old lady.
There she is.
Look at that-- at our table with him.
Eating.
Joe, think long and hard before you do this.
Okay, I'm doing it.
No, sometimes turning and running is the most courageous thing you can do.
Be a man-- run.
I'm sorry, Mel, I just cannot let this thing go.
Hello, Tiffany.
Hello, broken home wrecker.
Joe! Mel! Hi, Tiffany.
It's always a pleasure to see you, even under painfully awkward circumstances.
What are you two doing here? I just wanna see what guy you're celebrating my anniversary with.
- His name is Carson.
- I bet it is.
I don't want any trouble.
Yeah, me either, but unfortunately we got a whole truckload of it here.
So this is how you acknowledge our anniversary? By showing up and embarrassing me? - Embarrassing you? Embarrassing you? - Joe, you're embarrassing me.
Luckily, Carson called and said this was no night for me to be alone.
What a humanitarian, taking you out on a date on our anniversary.
- Excuse me.
- Who are you? - Elaine.
- My wife.
- Wife? - Wife.
Wife.
Oh, I thought we were all saying it.
That's my seat.
So this isn't a date? Are there usually three place settings on a date? The least you could have done was acknowledge our anniversary in some small way.
I did.
I sent a card.
What card? Oopsie.
Hold on.
Really gotta clean this thing out.
Hey, movie stubs-- "Inception.
" I didn't get it.
Look, just go ahead, eat.
Oh! Bingo! Here it is.
Happy anniversary.
Ooh, wait, you know what? There's a phone number there.
I am gonna need that.
Tiffany, look, I owe you an apology.
- I should have never doubted-- - I don't wanna hear it.
You know, it's times like this, Joe Longo, that I wish we were still married so I could tell you it's over.
Tiffany, I-- Sorry about that.
You know the upside to this whole horrible evening? Untouched crab cakes.
Delicious.
Hey, young dude, you bring the guacs? Did I bring the guacs? Yeah yeah, I brought the guacs.
And I almost got run over on my bike 'cause I was carrying six bags of groceries and my light burned out and every driver in Toledo decided to play let's-see- how-close-we-can-get- to-the-kid-on-the-bike- who's-risking-his-life- to-bring-home-the-guacs.
The kid brought the guacs! Anybody seen Mel? Hey, are you George? Yes.
An exciting night, eh, Mr.
Longo? Yes, Angelo.
Thank you.
I went a little overboard coming down here, didn't I, Mel? Who can say? Yeah, you did.
Why does it hurt so bad to watch someone move on with their life when you know they're not the right person for you? I think when two people aren't meant to be, at some point you just gotta let it go.
Yeah.
- Mel, there you are.
- George.
What's going on? Are you guys on a date? - What? No! Come on, man, there's three place settings here.
Jeez, doesn't anybody count dinnerware anymore? Oh, yeah.
Well, you left the party.
I thought meeting my friends was important to you.
It is.
I just-- I-- Mel, if I may? Hey, George.
You know what? I think Mel's a little over the whole big party thing.
So why don't you do this? Why don't you sit down here in this chair tonight and have a nice little party for two, all right? George, we should really get back to your party.
No, you know, I was thinking maybe we could stay here.
I don't care about the party.
I just care about you, Mel.
Now would be probably a good time to sit down.
Oh yeah, sure.
You sure you won't join us? Yeah, 'cause that would be romantic.
Have a good night, you two.
Hey, thank you.
Yeah.
Look, I know I was pushing a little too much.
I'll stop using the "g" word until you're ready.
Thank you.
You're a very caring boyfriend.
Boyfriend? So that would make you my Bitch? Girlfriend.
All right, I had a little trouble with the "g" word before, but you know, I've grown a lot in the last 10 minutes.
This is nice, just the two of us, you know? A real grown-up evening.
$11 for soup?! I just read your anniversary card.
I had no idea you felt that way, Jojo-be.
I can't stay mad at you.
I want you more than any man I've ever wanted in my life.
Tiffany, this may not be the best moment to-- It's a great moment.
Now come on.
Let's go into the restroom like old times.
- Yeah, okay.
Lovely to see you again, Mr.
and Mrs.
Longo.
Thank you, Angelo.
You're really gonna put the word "jejune" in this article? Yeah, it's a good word.
Yeah, if you're je-jerk.
It won't hurt anybody to crack open a dictionary and learn something.
Crack you open and all that comes out is smarm and pomposity.
Those are big words.
Are you tired? Do you need to lie down? Shut up.
And when you're done with that, shut up! What is this I hear? Disharmony? One minute you are all lovey-dovey, and the next you are at each others' throats.
It is like watching India's version of "The View.
" I don't know what happened to me the past couple of days.
Somehow I thought Roman was not a repulsive narcissistic pig.
And I was deluded by her human form.
Then she unzipped her face and revealed her self-important lizard head.
Ah, how it gladdens my heart to see such unbridled animosity between my co-editors.
Ha ha ha! Yes! Both of you may remain in your posts, so long as you maintain this delightful level of hostility.
- It won't be a problem.
- Not at all.
Now let's see.
Which "Sex and the City" character am I? Do you have to sit so close? Do you have to exist?