Mighty Med (2013) s01e22 Episode Script

Oh, Oliver, there you are.
Horace wants us to go to the lab and kill a spider.
A spider? Uh uh.
I can't.
I have to take this call.
Hello? You're talking into a tape dispenser.
I gotta go.
Oliver, it's just a spider.
Don't be such a wuss.
Boys, forget about the spider.
I have much bigger problems to deal with.
Our hospital revenues are down due to a recent drop in comic book sales.
We have noticed some of the issues have been pretty boring lately.
Yeah, in his latest issue, Blue Tornado just did online traffic school.
Well, because of the lower sales, Mighty Med has been forced to make some cutbacks.
Fortunately, nothing major just yet.
You're fired, by the way.
You know, Oliver and I are the world's biggest superhero fans.
Let us help write the comic books.
We can make them much better.
The comic books aren't works of fiction.
They're the superhero history books.
And I don't know if it's a good idea to let normos handle something so important.
Uh, you let us do brain surgery, and we're in tenth grade.
Well, I do have poor judgment, so fine, you can help.
Now if you'll excuse me, I need to perform an operation.
But since we have a shortage of surgical instruments, these will have to do.
You can't do surgery with those.
Lizard man just used those to give himself a lizard mani-pedi.
Don't worry.
I'm going to sterilize them first.
There.
Here we are.
Do you have any idea what's on the other side of this door? The Mighty Med comic book department? No, it's just the other side of this door.
Mostly wood and another doorknob, much like this one.
But behind that is the comic book department.
Behold! This is it? One guy, one desk? I just got a desk last week.
I used to have to work standing.
On the ceiling.
I also just got a floor last week.
Got this wall yesterday.
Boys, meet Ambrose.
He is our comic book department.
Ambrose's power allows him to see every detail of all the superheroes' lives and record everything as it happens, creating 50 panels at once.
One time I wore 50 t-shirts at once.
Where's my office? Well, I have to go remove one of two-headed man's heads.
From now on he's just going to be man.
Ambrose, sir, it's such an honor to be working with you.
We hope in some small way, we can help make the comic books Not stink.
Excuse me, it's not my fault that crime is down and there's no action.
Also, since the Crusher got married, his wife won't let him do anything dangerous.
I was wondering why he spent the whole last issue antiquing in amish country.
Now the Crusher's almost as much of a wimp as you are.
I am not a wimp.
Who pinned you in wrestling yesterday? Thumb-wrestling.
And you cheated! You are supposed to keep your elbow on the table.
Ambrose, can't we just fudge the facts a little, make the comic books a little more entertaining? Yeah, because if they don't sell, Mighty Med will go broke.
Well, I suppose we could embellish things a little.
Wait, I'm getting a vision.
The Crusher is arguing with his mother-in-law.
Yeah, this is a perfect start.
How about we change "arguing" to "battling"? Oh, oh, and replace mother-in-law with reptilian death beast.
Oh, so you've met her.
Alan, what's wrong? Well, since you asked, I've been bummed out ever since I learned the truth about my father.
I'm half-normo.
I know exactly how you feel.
No, you don't.
You're a superhero who lost her powers.
I'm one of the normos, who are weak, lazy, weak, lazy, lazy, bad at coming up with adjectives.
Hey, you still have powers.
I'm way more of a lame normo than you.
Whoa, calm down! I could hear you two all the way out in the hallway because I had my ear pressed against the door.
Who's more of a lame normo, me or Alan? There's only one way to settle this.
We'll hold a series of elaborate competitions over a four-week period to determine who's the most normo, and we'll call it the normolympics.
You've put a lot of thought into this.
No, I just thought it up right on the spot.
Unlike you, I'm not a normo, and have a quick and nimble brain.
Ask me anything.
That's okay.
I believe you.
Boys, great work.
Comic book sales are way up.
We're rolling in money now.
I bought us a new brain enlarger, a quantum scalpel, and best of all, this.
An ice cream super scooper.
Don't confuse it with the super pooper scooper.
I've made that mistake.
I remember.
That was a bad picnic.
It's the Dark Warrior! What happened? I was trying to stop the evil Dreadlock from sabotaging the commuter railway.
I threw him off the speeding locomotive and stopped the train from derailing, but he escaped by cold-cocking me with this giant hamburger.
We can't let people read a comic book with this ending.
Your whole image is about fear and intimidation.
And right now, you look ridiculous uh ly cool.
I mean, you're wearing a hamburger.
How many guys can pull that off? Well, eight orderlies tried to pull it off, but couldn't, so more than eight.
Wait.
Oliver, we can just convince Ambrose to change the ending.
That way we can save the Dark Warrior's reputation.
Good idea.
Hey, we have to run, but is there anything we can do for you before we go? Well, odd as it might seem, I'm really craving a hamburger.
Welcome to the normolympics, ten thrilling events to determine who is more pathetic, Skylar or Alan.
Now, here are our two competitors in their traditional normo garb.
Skylar, you are going down like an escalator that normos use because they're too lazy to walk.
Look how motivated you are.
Very un-normo of you.
I'll be over here, not focusing on anything, and forgetting where I put my keys.
And now, the first event, the grueling normolympic marathon.
Or as normos put it, a typical month.
Ready.
Set Begin.
I-I quit! I can't take any more infomercials! And how can that possibly be a mop and a juicer? And the first event goes to Skylar! Skylar, why don't you look happy? Because operators are standing by, and my phone is dead.
So we have good news and bad news.
The bad news is there's no way you can battle for at least two more weeks.
Ugh! And the good news? They had a pair of those socks that I like at the department store.
Dude, stop showing people your socks.
It's weird.
But the really, really good news is the latest issue of your comic book is out and we tweaked the ending so that you trapped Dreadlock in a hamburger.
What? You can't do that.
There will be ramifications.
You can't just rewrite history.
Why is everybody so obsessed with history? Starting with my history teacher.
That's all he talks about.
Dark warrior, look, you're missing the big picture.
This is good for you.
You so-called superheroes know me as Dreadlock.
The Dark Warrior says he defeated me.
I say he's a liar.
Don't worry.
He can't prove it.
I can prove it.
What? I can hear you.
This is a two-way broadcast.
And to set the record straight, I challenge Dark Warrior to a battle on the roof of constitution tower, at 8:00 tonight.
Now what? I can barely walk.
No big deal.
Just don't show up.
I can still hear you.
And if he doesn't show up, I'll destroy Independence Hall! And if any other superheroes show up to stop me, I'll take out the whole city! This is all your fault! You see what happens when you change history? I know.
But on the bright side, if Dreadlock kills you, we won't have to change the ending of that comic book.
Issues where superheroes die sell really well.
No wonder Dreadlock is so angry.
You made him look totally weak.
In hindsight, writing "I want my mommy" in his thought bubble may have been a mistake.
There's only one way to prevent Dreadlock from wreaking havoc on the city.
I need to go battle him tonight.
You can't.
You're too weak.
Yeah.
And you have to stay hooked up to this pain management machine for another week.
I don't need pain management.
I'm Okay, that machine was doing more than I thought.
Okay, what if we find another superhero to get in your suit, pretend to be you, and face Dreadlock? One of you guys needs to get in my suit.
Why? Well, no superheroes will fit.
I have lifts in my shoes.
We're the same size.
Well, I guess it'll have to be me.
Oliver's afraid to confront a spider.
How's he going to confront a super-villain? I'm not afraid! I'll I'll I'll totally do it.
Aw, darn, double darn, darn, I can't.
They'll know I'm not you.
You have that unmistakable voice.
Uh, not a problem.
I use a voice modulator.
This is my real voice.
Yo! Forget about it.
Oh.
Well, that solves that problem.
So I guess I'm in.
Yay! Double yay, yay.
Oliver, I can't let you do this.
And I'm not just saying that because you're too scared.
I'm saying that because I really want to wear a cool costume.
I'm not scared.
I told you, I'll do it.
No, I'll do it.
No, I'll do it.
We got enough problems with this goombah, Dreadlock.
Now, it all comes down to who can fit in my boots.
What size shoe do youse wear? Ten.
Seven.
I'm a seven.
Badda bing, badda boom! Oliver, you are the Dark Warrior tonight.
Awesome.
The next event in the normolympics will be the 100-meter buffet Or as normos put it, a light snack before dinner.
The winner will be determined based on speed, quantity of food and style points.
On your mark, get set Whoops! Sorry, owl girl.
Walk it off.
Oh, the gluttony! Uh-oh, it appears that Skylar's hatred for bacon bits could really cost her.
Dang you, Cobb salad! And Alan is making his move.
Here he comes, with two plates! And he's taken way too many napkins! Judges? Crusher, ten.
Solar Flare, ten.
Incognito, ten.
Alan takes this round.
Yes! A perfect 28! And he's terrible at math! Now that's a normo.
Okay, so Oliver looks cool.
But how is he supposed to defeat Dreadlock? This utility belt is full of incredible weapons.
The Dark Warrior will show me how to use them.
But not this one.
I do not want to use this one.
Yeah, nothing in my utility belt will work against a mook like Dreadlock.
I got a pulsar gun, he's got a pulsar shield.
Laser gun, laser shield.
I'm telling you, this guy So now what? Wait.
I know what to do.
Okay, when you confront Dreadlock, you'll pull out this new terrifying weapon he has no defense against.
An ice cream scooper? That'll work great If Dreadlock is afraid of root beer floats.
Okay, we know it's a scooper, but Dreadlock doesn't.
So you'll tell him it's some sort of nuclear disintegrator that will cause every molecule in his body to explode.
So your brilliant plan is that I bluff my way through this? What if he calls my bluff? That's when we go with what I was thinking.
Dreadlock pounds you like pizza dough, and you try not to die.
It's five past 8:00, and Dreadlock's still not here.
Maybe he caught one glimpse of me and "dreaded" for the hills Because he knew he was "dread" meat, "dread" on arrival.
Oh, there he is.
The Dark Warrior.
I didn't think you were man enough to show up.
I am more than man enough Oliver! Your voice.
I am more than man enough, for I possess the nuclear disintegrator, a weapon so terrifying that just hearing about it will kill you.
I also possess a new weapon.
A sub-atomic de-atomizer, which will reduce you to a million molecules of mind-melting misery.
Did I mention how scary this weapon is? You did.
Just checking.
What do I do now? Uh, oh, your utility belt.
It's useless against me.
Well, that worked surprisingly well.
You're not Dark Warrior.
You're just a kid.
And this is an ice cream scooper.
You're not Dreadlock! And that's a hand mixer.
My mom has the same one, except for the pearl white handle.
Fine, I'm not the evil Dreadlock.
I'm just his assistant, Bob.
Dreadlock came down with a stomach virus, so he made me come in his place.
I figured if Dark Warrior showed up, I'd just bluff my way through and try to scare him away.
That was my plan.
No, technically, that was my plan.
This is a nightmare.
If this fiasco shows up in the comic books, the evil Dreadlock will be humiliated and he'll fire me Out of a cannon into a buzz saw.
He's very evil.
Well, we can't let anyone find out about this.
And I think I know what to do.
And then the Dark Warrior and Dreadlock, still entangled in mortal combat, tumbled off the rooftop into the inky night below.
To be continued.
Fine, we'll go with your ending.
But since sales are up, do you think I could get a pencil sharpener? Because it's extremely dangerous doing it with this.
Well, Oliver, I got to say that it was pretty brave the way you faced Dreadlock like that, even though that wasn't really Dreadlock.
Oh, and that was the lamest fight ever.
You know what? That's it! Bring it on! You and me.
Right now! One, two, three, four, I declare a thumb war.
Elbow on the table! Elbow on the table! That is the rule.
The score is now tied.
So I prepared a super-secret, tie-breaking event.
Who can care less about others and not help this innocent lizard bystander.
Lizard man is getting crushed.
We have to help him.
Sorry, I'm too busy taking an Internet quiz to see which fairy tale princess I'm most like.
I can't just stand by here and do nothing.
Skylar, by saving lizard man, you proved you are a hero, and therefore not a normo.
So in a statement I've never said, and he's never heard, Alan is the winner! Wait.
There's something that we've all forgotten about here.
Treating the patients? No.
Just because normos have no powers it doesn't mean they can't be heroes.
Normos like police officers and firefighters risk their lives every day to help others.
They can be just as brave and heroic as superheroes, if not more.
So by helping lizard man, I proved what a normo I really am.
So I should win.
Well said.
That was an eloquent and well-reasoned argument.
Something no normo could ever have done.
Therefore, Alan is still the better normo! Yes! Ask me how I feel.
I don't care.