My Name is Earl s01e22 Episode Script

You know the kind of guy who does nothing but bad things and then wonders why his life sucks? Well, that was me.
Every time somethin'good happened to me somethin'bad was always waitin' around the corner.
Karma.
That's when I realized I had to change.
So I made a list of everything bad I've ever done and, one by one, I'm gonna make up for all my mistakes.
I'm just tryin'to be a better person.
My name is Earl.
Sometimes after a rain, Randy likes to come down to where the storm drain lets out into the river and look for what he calls treasure.
Another doll's head, Earl! That makes four.
Just think, if these were real heads, this would be a terrible day.
Nice haul so far.
Got a key chain, a baseball, 52 cents.
- What's this, bacon? - I think so.
- You're keeping bacon? - I like thinking about the journey it must've taken to get here.
Oh, man.
! The stain remover got away.
Catalina had come along to do the motel washing.
That way she could keep the money the manager gave her for the Laundromat.
- Get it, Earl.
I need it for the sheets.
- I got it.
- I'll be damned.
- Oh, no.
It's the badge.
I can't believe it found its way back to us.
It's like one of them crazy-ass Australian wooden Frisbees.
- Get rid of it, Earl.
- I'm not just getting rid of it, Randy.
This badge is on a journey too, just like that bacon.
And I gotta help it find its way to where it needs to go.
The badge had entered our lives a few years ago as we were enjoying America's favorite pastime.
And, after we bowled, we enjoyed our favorite pastime-stealing.
We discovered that when people bowl, they stash their wallets and other cool stuff in their street shoes.
The only valuables you should ever keep in your shoes are your feet.
What kind of kid puts acorns in his shoes? A squirrel kid might, except a squirrel kid doesn't wear shoes.
Unless- No, even then it wouldn't.
Ow.
That's a policeman's badge, Earl.
Shut up, dummy.
He knows what it is.
What are you gonna do, Earl? That's a policeman's badge.
Joy was right, and so was Randy.
We stole a badge from a cop, and that could lead to all kinds of trouble.
We gotta get rid of it.
Ma'am, excuse me.
- Can we get our check, please? - Oh, sure.
Oh, that's okay, Officer.
There's no charge for police.
Getting free pie in a world without free pie was pretty cool.
Hey! What the hell are you doing towing a car with the American flag on it? Are you part Taliban? But what was even cooler than getting free pie was stopping a car from being towed.
- Excuse me.
- Sorry, boss.
That's when I realized I had something I did not wanna part with.
Something I never had before- power.
And it turned out having power was a lot of fun.
It made life easier.
Knowing I had that badge in my pocket meant I knew I could do no wrong.
No matter what kind of mess I got myself in the badge was always there to bail me out.
I was really enjoying being on the force.
I couldn't even remember how I used to live without a police badge.
And I wasn't the only one enjoying the power of the badge.
- It's 1:00 a.
m.
Do you mind? - This is a police operation, sir.
Would you like to go to jail in South America? The more we used the badge, the more comfortable we became pretending to be the police.
Ma'am, we saw you steal an alarm clock seven CDs and a tube of hemorrhoid cream.
I use that for my puffy eyes, Mr.
Nosy.
Somebody call the cops? - Wow, that was quick.
- We got a really fast car with lights on the roof.
Let's go, female thief.
You got some explaining to do.
- Did you get me that stapler? - Got it.
Evidence.
Yep, there was no end to what we could do.
We were finally living in a world of free pie.
But, after a while, the power of the badge started getting too dangerous.
Okay, listen up! I want all the liquor in this bar loaded into my truck, and everyone's gotta help carry.
Except the ladies.
They need to take their shirts off and slap each other.
Creepy Rodney.
No one liked Rodney.
He was the worse kind of thief.
The kind that steals from other thieves and doesn't shower.
Wow.
When did Rodney become a cop? Uh-oh.
Can I have five lottery tickets, please? It's part of an investigation.
And a sour pickle? We're looking into those too.
Hey, buddy.
How's the scratching going? You know, they say it's all the same but I really think side to side is faster than up and down.
Wow.
That's interesting.
I'll see you later.
Free ticket! Free ticket! Free ticket! Sir, I won! I won! I get to scratch again! If you don't want to slap each other, you can take turns kissing me.
Hey, Rodney, you're not a cop.
Cops don't sell fake watches out of their trucks.
Damn it! I thought that said "Cucci.
" I'm gonna use this for hassling white people to make up for 300 years of racial injustice.
Or maybe I'll just use it for Halloween.
Sorry, Darnell.
That's ours.
But if it makes you feel any better, I'll use it to hassle some white people.
The hell makes you think you're gonna use it anymore? You're the one that got our stolen badge stolen.
Look, I found it.
It's mine.
And nobody can use it anymore except me.
- Oh, hell, no.
- Let go, Joy! - No! Let go! - I want it! - You let go! - No! You let go! It was then and there we knew the badge was too powerful.
It had turned us against each other.
We had to get rid of it before it destroyed us.
But karma didn't want me to get rid of it.
Karma wanted me to give it back.
Number 127 on my list- stole a badge from a police officer.
The tricky thing about returning a police badge that you stole is if you're honest, you go tojail.
I don't likejail.
Well, hello there, uh, lady Officer.
Uh, I was out abiding laws today and I stumbled upon this badge and would like to return it to, uh, the policeman or woman from whence it dropped off of, indeed.
Oh, I can't believe this.
Hey, guys, look whose badge just walked in.
It turned out the four lady cops were sisters and their brother was also on the force.
A brother who kept his badge in his street shoes when he bowled because the sharp edges poked him on his follow-through.
As soon as he saw his shoes were gone, his heart sunk.
You see, one of the most embarrassing things that can happen to a police officer is to lose his badge.
It's even more embarrassing when your fellow officers are your sisters and the captain of the precinct happens to be your mother.
"Stud Police.
" Where did you get that? - Spencer's Gifts.
- When? After I lost mine two weeks ago.
I love you, Mom.
I mean, Captain.
After we stole Stuart's badge, he got demoted to the worst post a cop can have- watching a highway rest stop.
There's no toilet paper in the ladies' bathroom.
I'm sorry, ma'am.
That's not my jurisdiction.
I'm a policeman, not a janitor.
I'm here for crimes.
Fine.
Then the toilet paper's been stolen.
I'd like to file a report.
Just take one roll.
The toilet's clogged up in here! - I'm not a janitor! - But it's clogged! Seeing Stuart so humiliated made me realize I didn'tjust take away the man's badge, I took away his dignity.
I had to find a way to get him his career back.
We just need to make Stuart look like a good cop again.
You know, by, uh, catching a criminal or something.
Luckily, finding a criminal in the Crab Shack wasn't hard.
Hey! What are you doing with my French fries? Spit 'em out.
Spit 'em out! Creepy Rodney.
Perfect.
We had watched Officer Stuart and knew he was always at the diner at 4:30.
All I had to do was bait the hook.
All right, here's the plan.
We're gonna make a killin' on this robbery.
We talked about how easy it was gonna be to rob the diner.
And we made sure Rodney heard that thejob had to happen at 4:35.
'Cause that's when the old blind lady drags the sacks of money across the floor.
And, just so everyone knows we're serious we'll wave this baby around.
This is the best criminal plan you ever thought of, Earl.
Thank you, Randy.
Now, as is customary before we pull off a big job, let's close our eyes and pray.
Good.
He's got the gun.
Nice acting, Randy.
Randy? And I want a puppy, but not just any puppy, a puppy that does tricks.
And please make it warmer in the motel at night, or at least let me find my thick socks.
And if it wouldn't freak people out too much, let me live forever.
- Amen.
- We're not gettin' a puppy, Randy.
The next day, the plan went like clockwork.
And five minutes later- - Perfect.
- You put blanks in Rodney's gun, right? - Yep.
- What about Officer Stuart's gun? Does it have blanks too? The plan didn't count on one thing: Rodney was at the center of it.
And Rodney was just insane enough to get himselfkilled.
Everybody freeze! Get out! Come on! At that moment, I knew two things: Making Stuart a hero wasn't gonna be easy and Rodney really, really needed to be in jail.
Maybe we could get Stuart to be a hero by throwin' him into that tank at the aquarium and makin' him wrestle an octopus.
That wouldn't make him a hero unless the octopus was committing a crime.
We're not gonna start thinking of ways to get an octopus to commit a crime 'cause that has failure written all over it.
I can't believe this.
That grunt Rodney just got into my car and licked my steering wheel.
- How am I supposed to get home now? - Yeah, that is a pickle.
- I thought you guys were gonna get him put in jail.
- We're trying.
You wanna help? So as people bowl, they're looking over here so we can steal their shoes, which are over here.
- Then we'll be rich.
- Yeah.
Richer than "What You Talkin' 'Bout's" white daddy.
This plan had to work.
I figured if Stuart wasn't comfortable enough to be a hero at the diner well, maybe he'd feel more comfortable in the place he spent most of all his free time- the bowling alley.
Ed, line two.
Ed, line two.
Help! Help! That man stole my shoes! Police! Excuse me.
Do you know where I can find a policeman? I have been the victim of a crime.
Forget it.
I gotta catch that moron before he starts lickin' my shoes.
- What's wrong with you? - Excuse me? That man just stole people's shoes.
You're a cop.
Chase him.
Take him down.
- I'm not a cop.
- Yes, you are.
Your name is Officer Stuart Daniels.
You work at a rest stop.
You got toilet paper in your trunk and a plunger under your seat.
All right, all right.
I'm a cop, okay? Just not a very good one.
Now, leave me alone.
I came here to bowl.
If I wanted to get yelled at, I'd go to my mom's.
I caught up with Stuart and, thinking I was just a fellow bowler, he let me buy him some pie.
I love pie.
And as people do when they eat pie, we talked.
He told me a story.
Apparently, being a cop wasn't Stuart's idea.
It was his mom's.
And even though being a cop was in his blood itjust wasn't in his heart.
The only time he felt good about himself was when he was bowling.
And he should have felt good, 'cause he was the best around.
The only thing I ever really wanted to be was a professional bowler.
And that's when I realized karma brought me here to help Stuart's career but not his police career.
- Then that's what you should do.
- What? - Be a pro bowler.
- Yeah.
I mean it.
You only got one life, Stuart.
You may as well spend it doing what you love.
Besides, you're a much better bowler than you are a cop.
I suck at police work.
Plus, I have to pay for that toilet paper I give away at the rest stop.
I don't really think that's fair.
You know what? Why not? I'm gonna go for it.
I'm gonna quit the force and try to become a professional bowler.
Good for you, Stuart.
I may not have gotten Stuart his police career back but maybe that's not what karma had in mind.
He finally decided to do what he wanted with his life.
- And so, I could cross him off my list.
- What's that? Aw, what the hell? You're not gonna be a cop anymore.
I was the one who stole your badge.
And so, I told him about my list and showed him all the bad things I'd done.
Wow.
There's a crime on here.
A couple felonies.
- This list is like a confession.
- I guess it is.
But one by one, I'm crossing 'em off, and one day I'll have a better life.
- W-What are you doing? - I'm arresting you.
But you're gonna be a pro bowler.
Bowlers don't arrest people.
They bowl.
They-They bowl and people cheer.
What about your dream? That's the problem.
It's just a dream.
This list is real.
I turn you in, and not only do I get to stop working at the rest stop they might even make me lieutenant.
But- But you- But- I couldn't believe it.
I was going tojail.
I was finally gonna pay the ultimate price for all the bad things I've done.
Karma had a plan for me, and if this was it, I wasn't gonna fight it.
I was ready to face the music.
My feet, on the other hand, had a different opinion.
Look, do me a favor.
Don't tell my new cell mate how you took me down.
What are you doing? When you ran away, I didn't reach for my gun.
I reached for my bowling ball.
I'm a bowler, Earl.
Well, then, you should take this.
Thank you.
You should take this.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! No.
Maybe you should hang onto this.
They may want you to turn it in when you quit.
Oh, yeah.
Good luck with the rest of your list, Earl.
Maybe Stuart was destined to do what he wanted to do.
Maybe all of us eventually take thejourney we're supposed to take.
Even Rodney.
Let's lose the shirts, ladies.
Rodney was also on a journey to where he was supposed to go.
Oh, snap! I'm gonna need that jacket, dummy.
Thank you.