Raising Hope s01e22 Episode Script

Here we go, oh, oh, oh Sorry about the diaper, but your grandfather bought adult small instead of kids' small.
I'd go out and get your size, but me and Maw Maw's birthday party is starting.
It used to bother me that I had to share my birthday with Maw Maw, because she had way more friends than I did.
And they wouldn't give me any cake unless I sang for them in a funny voice.
Light a candle that shines All the way around the world But tonight's birthday party is gonna be great, because I have way more friends than Maw Maw these days thanks to strokes, pneumonia and a bus crash on the way to Atlantic City.
But I'm willing to share so we can still have a combo surprise party.
Surprise! My goodness.
For me? I'm going to get my camera.
Seeing how happy it makes her, and knowing how forgetful she is, we can't help ourselves from doing it every time she comes back in the room.
Why am I holding this camera? Surprise! Oh, my goodness.
For me? Every year the number of candles grows, but the size of the cake stays the same.
It's a tradition we've done every year.
Well, almost every year.
Although it was only five years ago, things were a lot different than they are today.
For one, the Hungry Hungry Hippos game had all its marbles.
New York Times crossword, you are my bitch.
And five years ago, your great-great Maw Maw hadn't lost her marbles yet either.
You're in a good mood.
Well, of course I am.
I'm turning 80 tomorrow.
And I can still do this.
Now let's get those breakfast orders in.
- Two eggs over easy, slightly runny - Two eggs over easy, slightly runny - with bacon and buttered toast.
- with bacon and buttered toast.
- I love you.
- I love you.
He's awake.
Well, somebody find out what he wants for breakfast.
And five years ago Well, let's just say I was going through a phase.
- Hey, buddy.
- Get out! Hey, big birthday tomorrow, huh? Eighteen years old.
You excited? I have a surprise for you.
What'd you get for him, Maw Maw? Did you get something cool we all can use, like a trampoline or a mini trampoline or something else we could all bounce on? It's a surprise.
Did you hear that? Maw Maw's got a surprise for you, Jimmy.
You know that's not my name! If you want to address me, you must call me "Drakkar Noir.
" Like the men's perfume, right? It means "Black Dragon Ship.
" Your makeup looks nice today.
That was the third time you called me stupid today.
Because that's the third stupid thing you've said today.
If someday we did have a daughter, naming her Princess Beyonce would be stupid.
Well, thanks for taking the time to look at my application.
My cousin says you're a very busy man.
Yeah, I am a busy man.
But never too busy to meet a new friend-slash-employee.
And if you're anything like your cousin Shelley, we'd be lucky to have you.
Her and Frank are the best shelf stockers we've ever had.
- Wow.
- Barney, you totally gotta hire that chick.
Girls with braces have absolutely no self-esteem.
My mother has braces, Frank.
Have her stop by.
Basically I'm just looking for something part-time while I go to college.
College? Oh, I see.
Just passing through our little grocery store, are you? Just a quick stop on the glamorous road to fame and fortune.
We had a skinny little fellow come in here thinking like that about 15 years ago.
Thought he was gonna take over the world.
You know where that guy is today? - Was it you? - Yep.
That sucks.
Yep.
It's after midnight.
It's your birthday.
It's time for your surprise.
- It's in the front yard.
- Oh, man, trampoline! Trampoline! Trampoline! Trampoline! Trampoline! Trampoline.
Trampoline.
Trampoline.
Trampoline.
What's all that? I think it's our stuff.
Sayonara, suckers! I think Jogging Dan just stole your roller skates.
Damn.
I was gonna take the wheels off and use those for dress shoes.
What do you think? What are the chances Maw Maw cools off and lets us back in? I doubt it.
When I chased her down the block this morning, she said we never clean, cook or pay for anything.
And now that we're all adults, she can throw us out without feeling guilty.
So other than that hot dog, what else did you find in the glove compartment? A couple of hair scrunchies and 36 cents in pennies.
But they're all stuck together with dried soda.
That's okay.
I'll suck 'em loose.
Did you guys just eat all the food? Sorry, Drakkar Noir.
I'm gonna starve.
No one is gonna starve.
Your mother and I know how to take care of you.
In fact, we're just getting ready to take you out for lunch.
All right, let's stretch a buck in this joint.
Can I sample some of that American cheese? I've always been curious.
Wow.
Sabrina, whose carts are these? I don't know.
Gypsies.
Hi.
- How was work? - Good.
My boss said she'll rent us a room, but we gotta leave right now.
Where are your clothes? Well, stupid Burt talked me into sneaking into the stupid house, and stupid Barbara June turned the stupid hose on us.
Anyway, our clothes got kind of wet, so I put them on the roof to dry.
You guys know we're parked under a tree, right? Okay, it comes with a washer-dryer, but you can't use it, because my mother has a 24-hour laundry business.
It's kind of noisy at night, but if you close your eyes, it sounds like jazz.
What's that thing? That's my husband's alpaca.
His name's Clyde.
He won't spit at you unless you look him in the eye.
Sounds reasonable.
I appreciate this, Rosa.
You're really helping us out of a bind here.
What's going on there? It seems my mother thinks that your son is the devil.
I kind of doubt the devil would still be a virgin at 18.
Virginia! Sorry, Drakkar.
I don't see what the big deal is.
Just wash your face, and they'll let us live there.
Watch it, Burt.
Remember that Dateline about the kid who looked like him? I don't care.
We need a place to stay.
I'm sick of being scared of my own son just 'cause he walks around looking like Count Dorkula.
At least I'm not, like, 30-something years old and living in a van.
You guys can't even take care of your child.
I just found you a great basement to live in.
You are one wet washcloth away from having a roof over a floor over your head.
And as of today, you're not a child anymore anyway.
So if you think you can do a better job of taking care of yourself, go for it.
Maybe I will.
Well, good.
And when you're ready to take off that stupid makeup and be not freaky, you can come live with your normal family, in a Mexican lady's laundry room with the crazy-ass looking sheep.
So there's no way I can stay with either of you guys? Sorry, man.
My family has hated you ever since you talked me into dressing up like this.
Mine, too.
I mean, I dig it, Mine, too.
I mean, I dig it, but it turns out my parents aren't real cool with me walking around in whiteface.
He is so beautiful.
I wish he'd just fly into my house in the middle of the night and kill my whole family and carry me away.
Somebody's gotta stop reading those Twilight books.
Says the girl who spoke Klingon for an entire summer.
I just said I was considering being a vegetarian.
Oh, boo-hoo, it's a cow.
It's delicious.
It was born to be on a plate next to a baked potato.
God, you're such a softie.
"I can't kill anything.
" You know, it's none of my business, but you might wanna think about getting rid of that guy.
I just may do that.
Excuse me, son.
We're going to be closing in five minutes, so you have to Ow! Ow! Something's wrong with my arm.
I keep getting these shooting pains.
Anyway, you gotta go.
Oh.
Hey, Mike! How was the porn this weekend? Amazing.
Except for the carpal tunnel and slight dehydration.
Something's wrong 'cause my mind is fading And everywhere I look There's a dead end waiting Temperature's dropping at the rotten oasis Stealing kisses from the leprous faces Got a devil's haircut in my mind Got a devil's haircut in my mind Got a devil's haircut in my mind Got a devil's haircut in my mind Devil's haircut! In my mind! Okay, folks, big news.
We've got a new flavor of tortilla chip today.
Creamy balsamic ranch blue cheese vinaigrette.
They taste just like salad, without all that nasty lettuce.
Take me away, dark prince.
- Hello.
- You've been asleep for 29 loads of laundry.
Okay.
Where's your mother? Working.
She's been gone for about six loads of laundry.
She'll be back in about three or four loads of laundry.
What's that kid talking about? I think they measure time in loads of laundry.
Damn.
What Not cool, man, not cool.
- You looked him in the eye.
- Yeah, but just for, like, a second.
Damn, Clyde.
Ah! Ugh! You guys got any food? Please, Maw Maw? We're sleeping on a cold floor.
We begged a seven year old to make us French toast sticks.
Just let us move back in.
No! Ask her for some money.
Can we at least have some cash? Why don't you just use the money you stole from me? - What? - I checked my purse after I threw you guys out.
There was a $20 bill taken out of it.
It had "Happy birthday" written on it.
- Wasn't me.
- Do you think Jimmy took it? If he did, he's probably already spent it on a new corset.
It's a lower back support.
How long are we gonna kid ourselves? It's a corset! Please, Maw Maw.
We don't know who took your money.
Just let us move back in.
We'll change, we promise.
You will never change! You're a couple of losers! And you'll always be a couple of losers! Maybe it was being called losers by Maw Maw.
Maybe it was having to use a washing machine for a sink.
But whatever it was, my parents finally realized it was time to grow up.
All right! We have a plan.
Step one, get furniture from dumpsters.
Step one, get furniture from dumpsters.
Start with the one behind the hospital.
That always has good stuff.
Step two, come up with an advertising idea so I can get a few more lawns to mow.
Step three, start sucking up to Rosa and her kids, so Rosa gives you more shifts at work.
Step four, stay in at night and entertain ourselves, instead of going out and spending money.
If we do all that, and stick to our budget each week, we should have $20 left over for us to start paying back Maw Maw for all those years she let us live there for free.
Okay.
Um You do have enough money to pay for all this, right? Yeah.
My brother-in-law gave me five bucks this morning.
How much are the Zagnuts? Okay, folks, today we've got a sale on hair condention And softener fab.
Damn, these mini-strokes.
Gypsy.
We've got a gypsy! We've got a gypsy! Maw Maw, you here? Can't wait to see her face when she sees this money.
Maw Maw, we got a little surprise for ya.
Well, look who finally decided to show up for dinner.
I've been sitting here for five hours.
Your grandfather hasn't even bothered to call.
Grandpa Wilfred? Bad enough he works late all year.
You think he'd be on time here for my birthday.
Maw Maw, Grandpa Wilfred isn't at work, he's dead.
Well, of course he is.
I didn't mean I just - Are you okay? - I'm fine.
And I thought I told you two not to come back here.
You're on your own now.
And I still want my birthday money back.
It was a gift from my brother Sal.
It would break his heart if he knew you stole it.
I didn't know she had a brother named Sal.
She doesn't.
Burt, look at this.
Her crossword puzzle's all crazy.
She played tic-tac-toe in all the squares.
She's been doing that for a while.
- Why didn't you say anything? - I'm not a puzzle guy.
But the $20 bill, making dinner for dead people, the crazy crossword Connect the dots.
I just said I'm not a puzzle guy.
I think she might be getting old-timer's disease.
So what are we supposed to do? No.
No! Come on.
We did it! We can live on our own now.
But she can't.
We came here to pay her back.
I think we should pay her back.
Give me the pen.
This belongs to you.
I shouldn't have taken it.
Damn right you shouldn't have taken it.
Listen.
We can't live without you.
We tried, but we just can't do it.
Will you please take us back? Fine, you can move back in.
But I have two rules.
Number one, you start chipping in and doing your share around here.
Number two, never let my granddaughter Virginia and her no-good husband back into this house.
- Deal.
- Deal.
Excuse me, do you sell anything that would get bloodstains out of the trunk of a car? - Aisle six.
- Thank you! I've got the stuff.
It's go time.
You ready, Stocky Balboa? You know it, Dwayne "The Stock" Johnson.
Attention, shoppers.
Howdy's will be closing in five minutes.
Aha! Gypsy! Help! Call the police! We've got a gypsy! No! Alabama, Arkansas, I do love my ma and pa I'm okay.
Not the way that I do love you Well, holy-moly me-oh-my You're the apple of my eye Girl, I never loved one like you Man, oh, man, you're my best friend I'll scream it to the nothingness There ain't nothing that I need I'll follow you into the park, through the jungle, though the dark Girl, I never loved one like you Oh, home, let me come home Home is wherever I'm with you Oh, home, let me come home Home is wherever I'm with you What the hell are you doing? I was living in the grocery store, but I got caught, and now I think I'm going to jail! Whoa, you do not wanna be the guy in jail who wears the most makeup.
Get in! He went that way! - Thanks, Dad.
- You're welcome, Drakkar Noir.
Oh, I think I just wanna be Jimmy again.
I'm sorry about what I said about you and Mom.
Hey, forget it.
We all had a little growing up to do.
Let's get you inside and wash your face before they come back.
- Wait, we're living here again? - Long story.
So we all moved back in with Maw Maw, only this time, she needed us as much as we needed her.
Happy 80th, Maw Maw.
Thanks for letting us spend it with you.
Hey, look who it is.
And here we all are, five years later , still celebrating birthdays.
Oh, home, let me come home Home is wherever I'm with you Could you stop it? Hey, remember when you used to wear all that makeup? - You looked like a freak.
- Shut up.
And never, ever say anything about that around Sabrina.
It's embarrassing.
Don't worry, I wouldn't wanna mess up your chances.
Alabama, Arkansas I do love my ma and pa Moats and boats and waterfalls Alley ways and pay-phone calls Home is whenever I'm with you Surprise! Oh, my goodness.
For me? English - US - SDH