Remington Steele (1982) s01e22 Episode Script
Steele in Circulation
Wait.
Ah.
Surely there must be a a better way out of here.
I've never pulled a man off a bloody bridge before.
I'm not sure I can talk fast enough to stop him from trying it again.
Do these windows open from the inside? But if you only needed the 50,000, then why did you take Alfred! I want you to stand perfectly still.
Do you hear me? - [Yells.]
- [Tires Squealing.]
- [Yelling.]
- [Horn Blows.]
[Laura.]
Try this for a deep, dark secret The great detective Remington Steele? He doesn't exist.
I invented him.
Follow I always loved excitement.
So I studied and apprenticed and put my name on an office.
But absolutely nobody knocked down my door.
A female private investigator seemed so feminine.
So I invented a superior.
A decidedly masculine superior.
Suddenly, there were cases around the block.
It was working like a charm.
Until the day he walked in with his blue eyes and mysterious past.
And before I knew it he assumed Remington Steele's identity.
Now I do the work, and he takes the bows.
It's a dangerous way to live but as long as people buy it I can get thejob done.
We never mix business with pleasure.
Well, almost never.
I don't even know his real name.
Miss Hockmeyer.
Yeah.
This is Mr.
Hollis.
Uh, yes, it seems the, uh, shredder in Currency Destruction Room 3 is acting up again.
Y-Yes.
I've called the repairman and canceled this afternoon's, uh, transfer from the vault.
You might as well send the crew home.
Yeah.
What? Oh, uh, you have a nice weekend too.
I'm telling you, Hollis.
I live for the weekends.
[Chuckles.]
Which currency destruction room did you say this was for? - Three.
- Well, let's see.
Got an eight million ready for the chopper [Chuckles.]
Uh, 4.
6 million and a 2.
3 million.
I'll take the 2.
3.
- There you go.
- [Grunts.]
Now, me, I'm heading over to Catalina for two days and nights with Barbara "Boom Boom" Bellows.
[Chuckles.]
From Accounting? [Chuckles.]
[Chuckles.]
Uh, how about you? You, uh, got any plans? Well, there's a reading of Tolstoy's War and Peace on the radio I thought I might catch.
- Uh, sounds exciting, Hollis.
- Yeah.
- Can I give you a hand there, Mr.
Hollis? - No.
Oh.
Uh, l I just dropped my keys here.
No problem.
I'll get the door for you.
Can't have a new assistant manager spend his lunch hour scraping for a set of keys, now, can we? Thanks, Horace.
Forget it.
Have a nice weekend.
Yes.
You too.
[Chattering.]
[Man.]
Take care.
See you Monday.
I'll admit coming to the office is hardly my idea of a perfect Saturday morning but I can think of more imaginative ways to avoid it than a flat tire.
Ah, I understand, Mr.
Steele.
And Mr.
Cutler is most anxious to meet with you as well.
Well, what's so desperate about his problem that it can't wait until Monday anyway? [Laura.]
I understand that time is of the essence, sir when it comes to a missing school of prizewinning carp.
Koi.
They're called koi.
They hit every pond on my estate.
The whole collection.
Laura, am I to understand that you're dragging us away from a perfectly good weekend to search for missing fish? [Laura.]
Yes, sir.
Some of those koi are worth over $25,000 apiece, Mr.
Steele.
Oh, my God! I'll relay your concern to Mr.
Cutler, sir.
Sir.
Mr.
Steele? Wait! Ah.
Ah.
You know, I'm not in the habit of coming between a man and his Maker but surely there must be a better way out ofhere.
- Not for me there isn't.
- Oh, nonsense.
We all have our gray days.
Well, I've had a gray life, and it just turned pitch black.
Thanks, but no thanks.
Just hold on a moment, Mr Hollis.
Alfred R.
Hollis.
- Remington.
Remington Steele.
- Yeah.
Now, I mean, uh, think about it for a moment, Alfred.
In every dark corner, there's still one's work to consider.
- Shot to hell.
- Uh, well, then, uh, good friends, perhaps? - Don't have any.
- Treasured loved one? Let her down when she needed me most.
Could you let me go now? Hey, you know, Alfred, I've just had a thought.
If you're so anxious to get to the pavement down there, why don't you let me drive you? I mean, my car's only over there and, uh, I'll have Fred, my chauffeur, drive you wherever you like.
I don't think that will produce the same result.
Now you just let me be the best judge of that, okay? All right.
Now, approximately how many fish would you say were stolen, Mr.
Cutler? They're not just fish.
They're koi.
Now, when is Mr.
Steele arriving? - You just have a seat in here, Alfred.
Okay? - Mr.
Steele.
- Finally.
Ah.
You're, uh, Carpfish.
- Cutler.
- Right.
Could I see you for a moment, Miss Holt? - Could I see you, Mr.
Steele? - Maybe I should go.
- Out of the question.
Stay there and have a seat.
- See to it that he does.
Eh, Carpfish? - Cutler.
- Right.
Okay.
- It's Cutler.
- You're really trying to punch a hole in this one, aren't you? - Laura, it's not what you think.
I know stolen fish may sound ridiculous but first it's the flat tire, then you hang up on me, then you show up late.
- Who is that guy anyway? - His name is Alfred Hollis.
I only brought him here because he was trying to kill himself.
Please.
I know you can do better than that.
But it's true.
What's more, I really need your help.
I've never pulled a man off a bloody bridge before.
I'm not sure I can talk fast enough to stop him from trying it again.
- You're serious.
- And more than just a bit frightened too.
Excuse me, will you? Yes.
[Panting.]
I don't have all the details, but I'm certain that Alfred won't talk to anyone official which means that right now, we're the only ones between him - and a fast fall into the great hereafter.
- All right, all right, all right.
- Calm down.
We'll think of something.
- Good.
First we have to figure out a way to get rid of Carpfish.
Mm-hmm.
I thought his name was Cutler.
Mm-hmm.
I thought his name was Cutler.
L I wasn't trying to steal the money, you understand.
L I just wanted to borrow it.
- For the weekend.
- Hmm.
I promised Angelica I'd do everything I could to help.
Angelica? She's a young woman.
A very special young woman.
The only one to ever make me realize that life could be more than a steady job a room with two windows and a long book.
She moved into the apartment just above mine a few months back.
- From Spain.
- And you were trying to help her.
Yeah.
You see she opened one of these little specialty boutiques but it took all the money she brought with her just to get it started.
When her suppliers suspected she was broke they demanded to see the rest of her collateral by this weekend or or they'd shut her down.
She had the money, but it was all tied up in Spain.
So we thought, if she could just show them, say $50,000 of solid American currency They'd leave her alone till her own funds came through.
But if you only needed the 50,000, then why did you take It was the smallest they had.
Oh.
Besides, when you've destroyed as many billions as I have after a while it just turns into green paper.
Until, of course, some of it is missing.
I was gonna bring it all back early Monday morning feed it into the shredder myself so that everything would balance, but now I've lost everything.
The money, my job Angelica.
Do these windows open from the inside? No.
No.
It's a modern building.
Sorry.
I don't mean to sound negative but it's obvious we can't go to the police and our chances of finding a stolen car with 2.
3 million stashed under the seat - I know.
From his shoes, jumping must look pretty good - Hmm.
- But we've got to find a way to keep him back off the e - [Car Horn Honks.]
Uh You know, Alfred, I would really love to meet Angelica.
Hey.
I thought you said those windows didn't open from the inside.
- We were just lying.
- You get the odd loose one.
- I don't think I can face her.
- Come on.
Alfred, if Angelica is all that you say, I'm sure she'll understand.
- She's not here.
Let's go.
- No, no.
Let's wait for her to come back.
- I don't have a key.
- [Doorbell Rings.]
- No problem.
- Just happen to have it.
Thank you.
You're going to break in.
That's illegal.
- Look who's talking.
- Alfred I know this may sound trite under the circumstances but the fact is we all make mistakes.
That hardly means that the people we trust most are gonna turn their backs on us and desert us.
Voila.
- Angelica? - Ah.
Alfred, uh, are you sure this was her apartment? She's gone.
I don't understand.
Alfred, it doesn't seem as if anyone has lived here for - quite some time.
- [Coughs.]
But that's impossible.
Hollis? What are you doing in here? - Mrs.
Clagett, what happened to Angelica? - Who? Angelica de Gama.
This is her apartment.
I've managed this building since Ernie caught a slug in 'Nam, Hollis and we've never had a tenant here by that name.
This is the Dubins'apartment, and they've been in Europe for the past year.
Just how did you get in here anyway? If you'll all just excuse me for a moment.
- Alfred! Alfred! - Alfred, don't! Excuse me.
Alfred! I want you to stand perfectly still.
Do you hear me? - Angelica.
- We can all appreciate how upset you are about her, but No.
Look.
It's Angelica.
- [Yells.]
- Alfred! - That's Angelica.
- [Engine Starts.]
That's Angelica? But I drank my first glass of sangria in that apartment tasted my first smoked oyster.
I know she lived there.
- I believe you, Alfred.
- You do? According to the landlady, the apartment's been empty for the last year but this newspaper is only a week old.
Are you suggesting Gaslight? - What? - Charles Boyer.
Ingrid Bergman.
MGM.
1944.
In other words, Alfred, Angelica appears to vanish without a trace just a day after the money does.
Wait a second.
Are you saying my car being stolen last night wasn't a coincidence? Uh, no, no, no.
I mean, dozens of cars are stolen every day.
I mean, hundreds of them.
But Angelica knew I'd be taking that money out instead of destroying it.
You're saying she took it.
Tell me, Alfred.
The boutique that Angelica opened, what was it called? Broken Promises.
I was afraid to tell her that I lost the money.
All along she was just using me.
Alfred, sometimes it's important for us to try and look beyond the the mere facts.
- It's all right, Steele.
- Mm-hmm? - I think I understand now.
- Good.
- Everything's gonna be okay.
- Good.
- [Tires Squealing.]
- Alfred, no! - Let me go! - Alfred! - [Horn Blows.]
- [Yelling.]
No.
! I just had another thought.
[Doorbell Buzzing.]
All right, all right.
I'm coming.
- Laura? - I'm awfully sorry to barge in on your Saturday, but - Steele? - There's a small favor that we need to ask.
It should only be for a few hours.
Alfred needs someplace quiet to collect his thoughts.
- Sit.
- Wait.
To be perfectly honest, now is not the best time.
- You know what I mean? - Uh-huh.
Laura, I don't pretend to know what this is about and ordinarily I do anything you ask but you specifically told me you could handle the missing fish client by yourself.
Murph, I thought that you said you were gonna get rid of whoever was at the door.
Oh, dear.
- We've come at a bad time, haven't we? - Yes.
You could say that.
Well, I must say this is an honor to meet you at last, Miss, uh Uh, uh, Sherry.
Sherry Webster.
- Of course.
Murphy has told us so much about you.
- Really? - Mmm.
- But we just met last night.
Oh.
Well, I see.
Tell me, uh, Sherry.
Would you by any chance know how to brew a pot of tea? Tea? I guess Why? Because tea is such a mature, civilized drink.
And in a few minutes, I sense that we all need to be just as mature and as civilized as we can possibly be.
- My six iron is slipping.
Excuse me.
- Hmm.
[Laura.]
Look at this place.
[Laura.]
Look at this place.
It's hard to picture Alfred getting caught up with someone who likes to wear all this.
- Hey! - Oh.
If you're looking for somebody to play with, go down to one of the boulevards.
- We're strictly trappings in here.
- Sorry.
We were just admiring your, uh, uh your necklace.
- Well, it's not for sale.
- Oh.
- There something else you want? - We were just waiting for Angelica actually.
- She's supposed to meet us here.
- Yeah? - Well, you're in for a long wait.
- Oh? Why is that? The deadbeats I fire don't come back.
Especially when they owe me money.
- She worked for you then? - Yeah.
She was here for a while, but she was too busy running up a phone bill to be working for me.
Those must have been all the calls to our casting director.
If you could verify the number for us, I'd be glad to reimburse you.
Don't move.
I got the bill right here.
- [Clears Throat.]
- 35.
80.
- So you're casting directors, huh? - Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
What do you want with Angelica anyway? Uh, we're working on a, uh a punk version of Gone with the Wind.
And we had her in mind for Scarlett.
Any idea where we might find her? - Yeah.
Lingerie.
- Ah.
She had a weakness for lace and satin, eh? - Lingerie.
It's a club.
Down on Sunset.
- Oh.
I heard her mention it a couple of times.
This is our number that she kept calling.
Do you by any chance have a phone that I could use? Sure.
It's right here.
Oh.
Uh Oh.
Handy.
Hmm.
You must feel so hopeless, helpless, turmoiled frustrated, despondent, panicked, enraged Ionely, exiled.
You want to end it all too, huh? I have a Ph.
D.
In psychology.
I thought you said you were a stewardess.
You tell a man you're a doctor of psychology you end up going home by yourself.
They're all afraid you're out there to analyze their performance or something.
At least as a stewardess I stand a chance of getting lucky.
[Phone Rings.]
Yeah.
Yeah, Laura.
He's all right.
No.
No, no, no.
Nothing's happened.
Absolutely nothing.
What? Hey, it's Saturday.
Come on.
How am I supposed to track down a number All right.
Give it to me.
- That's the bank.
- Hold on a second.
What? All the numbers at the bank start with 555.
I don't know whose line Um, I think I can track down that number after all.
[Laura.]
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
Thanks, Murph.
Bye.
All those calls Angelica made were to the bank.
But not to Alfred.
So whom then? - An accomplice perhaps? - Possible.
Someone else on the inside? Someone who knew what Alfred did, maybe even the kind of loner that he was.
Hmm.
Easy prey for a sharp girl with a sad story.
She gets him to borrow the money And then they steal it out from under him.
The perfect patsy.
He can't go to the police, Angelica vanishes and he's left trying to tell a story his own mother wouldn't buy.
Gone with the Wind, huh? I guess it takes all kinds.
- [Chuckles.]
- Yes.
[Steele.]
Look, don't worry.
We'll find the money.
[Steele.]
Look, don't worry.
We'll find the money.
Well, Alfred, I sincerely hope you're through with that self-destructive bent.
But it's not your headache.
Alfred, when a man saves another man's life, it entails a certain responsibility.
But why should you worry about what happens to me? [Sighs.]
Yes.
There was a particularly rocky period in my life before I became Remington Steele.
That is, before I, uh, dedicated myself to the service of others.
I was in a state of perpetual anger lashing out at anything and anyone who crossed my path.
I didn't realize it then, but, uh, that anger was directed at myself a way of ending a life that held no promise no purpose, no future, no nothing.
Then someone came along who taught me self-respect imbued in me a certain clarity of thought, a certain sense of direction.
Perhaps I'm merely attempting to repay that person through you.
- It's hard to believe.
- Hmm? I mean, you have everything.
Confidence, success - silk shirts.
- [Chuckles.]
Well, it just goes to show you, Alfred.
We all have moments of self-doubt and despair.
- The trick is to hang on until they pass.
- [Phone Rings.]
Steele here.
Ah, yes, Laura.
Yes.
Yes.
Excellent thought.
I'm sure they will welcome us with open arms.
Of course.
We'll be there right away.
Okay.
Good-bye.
I didn't know you had relatives in Cleveland, Alfred.
Oh.
First cousins once removed on his mother's side of the tree.
This is just a stopover really on our way to Hawaii.
Since we were here, we just insisted Cousin Alfred show us where he works.
- Oh, it'll have to be a quick look, I'm afraid.
- Mm-hmm? We start locking down for the night in 15 minutes.
Ah.
- Nice meeting you all.
- And you.
Thank you.
If your interoffice directory is correct, Alfred, this should be 8878.
- And it is.
- Oh, no.
- What? - It is also the office of J.
P.
Whitcomb the district supervisor.
- You know him? - No.
Not really.
L I mean, I've never even seen him, but, uh You know, it's funny.
This calendar hasn't been used for a while.
Except for this address.
You see, it was J.
P.
Whitcomb who signed the memo promoting me to assistant manager two months ago.
Hmm.
About the same time Angelica appeared upstairs.
So the only reason I was promoted was to get the money out of the vault with just my signature.
Alfred, I know it appears you've been very carefully set up, but Alfred.
Alfred! Alfred! - [Tires Screeching.]
- [Horn Honks.]
Alfred! - Alfred? - [Gunshot.]
[Gunshots.]
Steele, I think someone's trying to kill me! [Gunshots Continue.]
- Alfred! - [Tires Squealing.]
We lost him.
All right.
Uh, look.
If he does come in, please have him return my call.
Thank you very much.
- Well, have you come up with anything? - No.
- Oh.
- I tried his house, the bank, all the hospitals.
Nothing.
- He's just gone.
- Well, he's gotta be out there somewhere.
- I mean, we're not gonna find him on the bloody telephone, are we? - Easy, easy.
- We all want to find Alfred, you know? - Ah.
Ah, ah, ah.
What about the beach? I mean, in A Star Is Born Fredric March walks himself into the ocean.
Or the train station.
I mean, Garbo threw herself in front of a train in Anna Karenina.
Or the reservoir, where Richard Chamberlain drank contaminated water in The Music Lovers.
I thought your shingle was psychology.
Yeah.
But I minored in film.
Oh.
All right.
I'm game.
You do the movies.
I'll do the driving.
I wonder where Murphy met Sherry.
You all right? Ah, you pull someone off a bridge, you think you're doing them a favor.
But every corner we turn around on this one just seems to make it worse for him.
At least before, Alfred believed he had a girlfriend, a promotion.
You tell me.
I mean, what does he have now? - He has you.
- Oh.
¢Ü¢Û¢Ü¢Û[Continues.]
Ah.
An inspired thought, Laura.
Looking at these people, one's self-esteem can't help but improve.
Oh.
Rodney Chatsford.
I heard about your movie.
I want to try out.
- Movie? - Gone with the Wind, Revisited.
Oh! Oh, word certainly gets around fast down here, doesn't it? Watch this.
Frankly, my dear Scarlett you stink! Interesting interpretation.
Very interesting.
Very interesting.
Of course, if we could see you with the Scarlett that we had in mind All right.
Watch your foot.
Here's Angelica.
Aaah! Ah.
Are you coming along quietly, Scarlett or do I have to get rough? I thought Whitcomb had sent you.
That's why I ran off.
But Whitcomb set you up in that apartment.
You worked for him, right? Only because I had to.
He has big friends in the Immigration Department.
And I'm not so legal, you know? He says if I don't get Alfredo to take the money, he's going to have me sent back.
- To Spain? - Tijuana.
So you filled Alfred's balloon with a lot ofhot, sweet air and then popped it by stealing his car with the money in it.
I'm not so proud of myself, okay? When I take the car back to Whitcomb, I see he has a gun.
That's when I think he's maybe going to kill Alfredo.
A little deception's all right, but the thought of murder upsets your delicate sensibilities, eh? - Think what you want.
- Stay right there.
Don't move.
Alfredo was not the only one to fall in love.
So many people everyone's got some kind of game, you know.
But not Fredo.
Fredo he was just Alfredo.
I went back to the apartment anyway last night.
I was going to tell him everything, warn him about Whitcomb.
I waited there all night, but he never came back.
Finally I got scared and and left this morning to go looking for him.
That must have been when he pointed you out to us.
Alfredo was with you? You know where he is? Alfred was with us then, but as for your other questions, l It'll be daylight soon.
Angelica if Alfred really matters to you, can you tell us where to look? Was there any place, any favorite spot where he might go if he were in trouble? I don't know.
Sometimes, when he was kind of down he'd want to go walking on the bridge.
The bridge.
Oh, no.
Not that bridge.
- Come on.
- Come on.
[Gasps.]
Steele.
What are you doing here? Alfred! You're alive! - Of course I'm alive.
- You're alive! He's alive! Ohhhh! Look, Laura.
He's alive! Ohhhh! - Why are you alive? - Oh, you mean how come I didn't, uh Well, considering recent events, it's not an unfair question, is it? No.
Yeah, well - Yeah? - I guess I'd pretty much hit bottom when I realized my promotion was just another part of the setup.
But, uh, when those bullets started flying and and I realized someone was trying to kill me well, I, uh I got kind of mad, you know.
I mean I mean, it's one thing if I don't feel like living anymore but for somebody else to decide willy-nilly that I should be dead But, Alfred, if you wanted to keep on living, then why did you run away from us? Oh.
Miss Holt, I couldn't let you take any more risks especially not with a killer after me.
That's why I came out here to figure out my next move.
I thought about going out to look for Angelica, but, uh I guess I must have fallen asleep.
- Angelica.
- If I could take it back to the beginning, Fredo I wouldn't change a thing except the last day.
Alfred, she led us to you.
And for what it's worth, she didn't have to.
If I knew what Whitcomb did with the money, I'd tell you.
So, I see you're all right now.
I can be going back to Mexico.
Angelica, wait.
Well, that's all well and good but if we don't find that You still have that address we got off of Whitcomb's calendar? Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Yes.
Right here.
Next to my heart.
[Banging.]
[Man.]
I hear ya.
I hear ya.
- I'll be there in a minute.
- [Sighs.]
Assuming we get in there, do you think it's a good idea to let Alfred along with us like this? I mean, I know he seems to be back on solid ground but supposing he loses his footing in a place like that? Hmm? You know what time it is? I'll tell you what time it is.
It's 7:00 a.
m.
On Sunday.
Now what the hell do you think you're doing? - Look, I'm really, really sorry, but today is Daddy's birthday.
- Yes.
And with his condition, who knows how many more he'll have.
He got his favorite gun ever from you a few months back, and if Clark hadn't lost it How was I supposed to know it was in the moose head? If you had the decency to hold off the garage sale until after he was gone Sis and I could've given him the vibrating footbath with the built-in clock radio - like we planned, but no.
! - All right.
All right.
I suppose a dying man deserves to have his favorite piece close by.
Just try and buy it quietly if you can.
- Yes.
Yes, we will.
Yes.
Really.
- Yes.
Yes.
- I'll get the keys.
- Thank you, sir.
Thank you.
Really.
Thank you.
- Oh, very good.
Wonderful.
- [Chuckles.]
You two really sisters? Funny.
Most people can tell right off.
Well, I can't find any record of a purchase by a J.
P.
Whitcomb.
Maybe if you could tell me what the gun looked like.
I mean, I carry all kinds.
I don't know the first thing about guns, Steele.
Oh! Well, uh, they're really very, uh, overrated.
I mean, uh, you just point them away from you and, uh, shoot.
Nothing could be duller.
Ah I think it looked like this one, except the handle had yellow wood on it.
Are you sure? That's a standard service revolver used by cops and the like.
Laura.
Come here.
You're not gonna like it, but we managed to locate Whitcomb.
- Where? - Sleepy Meadows Memorial Park.
Oh.
Well, that's a cemetery, isn't it? J.
P.
Whitcomb is dead.
And he has been for the last two months.
- What? - Steady, Alfred.
Oh! - What's happening? - Whitcomb is dead? Your dad.
Aw, gee.
I'm so sorry.
And on his birthday too.
Obviously, whoever's behind this at the bank knew Whitcomb was dead and has been using his name and office to run the scam.
But we've still got less than half a day to find the money.
Hmm.
And get it back in the bank.
And destroy it before somebody blows the whistle in the morning.
It'd be awful risky for him to lug it around everywhere.
He'd probably find someplace safe to hide it.
Hmm.
Unfortunately, the only clue we had on our ersatz Mr.
Whitcomb proved to be a dead end.
Wait a second.
Wait.
This is one of the straps we use to bundle the condemned currency.
- Where did you get this? - The floor of Whitcomb's office.
Of course.
The bank.
He's keeping the money somewhere in the bank.
No one would ever think to look for it there and with all that security, where could it be safer? But even if that's true, it's too late.
By now, Security has already started its lockdown for the night.
Then we'll break in.
[Together.]
Break in? Would you all excuse Miss Holt and me for a moment? Step this way.
Laura before we go raising the hopes out there any higher you might recall that we're talking about the Federal Reserve bank of your esteemed government not some local liquor store with a simple trip alarm a trusty dead bolt and a sleepy schnauzer.
Are you telling me it can't be done? With sufficient lead time, enough preparation, perhaps, but Well, we don't have any of those.
But what we do have is plain and simple Alfred R.
Hollis who ran away when someone was trying to kill him because he didn't want to see us get killed.
Or is there more to pulling people off bridges than you bargained for? Believe me, Laura, I'm painfully aware of my responsibility.
Painfully.
Ouch.
Alfred.
Um, most buildings, like, uh, most people, have a soft spot somewhere.
Someplace where they're very, um, vulnerable.
Any idea where that might be in the bank? I don't know.
I never thought much about the building.
Ah.
Don't think of it as a building.
Think of it more as a system.
I mean, take your job, for instance.
I mean, after you finish destroying the money, what happens to it? - Well, once the C.
V.
C.
S.
Shreds it - Hmm.
It goes through a tube into a central pulverizing bin and then it continues on up to a Dumpster on the roof The roof? The roof.
You know, I'm not a hundred percent sure I know how to operate one of these things.
No sweat.
Don't tell me.
I work construction during the summers.
I'll check the hook.
Hmm! Remarkable young lady, that Sherry.
Before we start, I think there's something you ought to know.
- What's that? - I'm not very good with sheer drops.
Oh, yes.
Then it's unanimous.
[Engine Starts.]
[Whistles.]
Here goes nothing.
Now swing 'em around towards the bank.
Laura.
! Take my hand.
Come on.
Don't look down.
Take my hand, Laura.
You can do it.
Come on.
Give us your hand.
Come on.
Come on.
Come on.
Don't look down.
Come on.
Come on.
Once more.
On the count of three.
You can do it.
One, two, three! [Grunting.]
Come on.
Swing.
That's it.
Come on.
Come on.
Come on.
Ooh! - [Engine Starts.]
- All right.
Now get 'em out of there! - Maybe you were right.
- Hmm? - Maybe we shouldn't go through with this.
- Well, I can't say I disagree.
But if we don't press on, our only way back is another ride on that crane.
By the way, uh, thanks.
Pleasure.
[Clears Throat.]
Go.
Go.
Just Ooh.
Oh.
Well Oh, well.
- If Alfred's map is correct, we should be able to - Shh.
Shh.
[Footfalls Approaching.]
I've always wanted to roll about in millions of dollars with a beautiful woman.
Curious how one's fantasies are fulfilled, eh? Maybe it's time we started thinking about fulfilling some other fantasies.
Whose? Yours or mine? Ours.
It's always good to take things slow and not rush things between us not get in too deep.
But only because we assume we'll both be around when the proper time comes.
I know.
I almost lost you out there tonight.
Suddenly I realized I'm not prepared for that at all.
Ah, yes.
I can't think of a conversation I'd like to continue more.
But I'm afraid I haven't left any room for it in the schedule.
Come with me.
This way.
[Sighs.]
[Grunting.]
- It has to be here somewhere.
- Yes, unless they've come back and beat us to it already.
- Have a look at this.
- Hmm? Hmm.
What do you make of this? L l Yes.
Bless you, Mr.
Steele.
Yes.
A trifle more substantial than pennies from heaven, but Ah, good.
Uh, I was hoping someone official was gonna stop by.
I think I've located the source of the rodent problem you've been having around here.
Uh, Montgomery Kruman, State Board of Exterminators.
It seems that the mother rat has been using this roo Ah.
I see you're taking your gun out.
[Chuckles Nervously.]
Your gun with the yellow wooden handle.
You're not Montgomery Kruman or Alfred's cousin from Cleveland, are you? Uh, Whitcomb.
You're Whitcomb.
Whitcomb's dead.
Remember? But you can go ahead and take the money down now.
Save me the trouble.
So, you set the whole thing up, eh? Rather ingenious, wouldn't you agree? You see, I wasn't satisfied with a government pension plan and knowing there was all this unwanted money floating around And you knew exactly how tight security was on that money so you actually needed someone else to steal it for you.
Alfred was such a lonely man.
I thought he needed a woman in his life someone he could help.
Ah.
But Alfred didn't have enough authority, so you, uh, faked his promotion.
[Horace.]
That's the great thing about bureaucracies.
The left hand doesn't know what the right hand is doing.
The proper memo signed by the proper official and nobody even bothers to ask if he's still alive.
And with the money stolen, there was just the little matter of killing Alfred.
I had planned for it to be a simple suicide in his apartment.
But he didn't come back.
Now I have to make some other arrangements.
Not unlike the arrangements I'm about to make for you.
Sorry to foul up all the arrangements, old boy.
You certainly waited long enough to make an entrance or did it take all that time to think up such a brilliant stunt? You saved my life this evening.
I was merely waiting for an opportunity to return the favor.
Oh.
Excuse me, but what are you doing here? To be honest, we were just contemplating matrimony.
But first there are some investigators we have to talk to down at the bank.
Still, it's great to be alive.
Don't you think? Stop apologizing, Murphy.
This has been one of the most meaningful weekends I've ever spent with a guy.
I mean, you really allowed me to be just who I am.
- Murphy, what exactly is going - Oh, please, Bernice.
Some other time.
Oh, and I won't be in the rest of the day.
And where are you going? With any luck, to have my performance analyzed.
[Both Laughing.]
All right.
That's it.
Now I want to know what's been happening here.
Ah, let's see.
Uh, we prevented a man from committing suicide.
Although trying to commit suicide actually saved his life.
[Laura.]
And we broke into a bank.
And helped to see nearly two and a half million dollars properly destroyed.
Come on.
I'm serious.
Well, I'd like to elaborate, Miss Wolfe but right now Miss Holt and I have a pressing conversation to complete.
Well, should I even bother to make the coffee? Uh, no, thanks.
We'll be having tea.
[Mews.]
Ah.
Surely there must be a a better way out of here.
I've never pulled a man off a bloody bridge before.
I'm not sure I can talk fast enough to stop him from trying it again.
Do these windows open from the inside? But if you only needed the 50,000, then why did you take Alfred! I want you to stand perfectly still.
Do you hear me? - [Yells.]
- [Tires Squealing.]
- [Yelling.]
- [Horn Blows.]
[Laura.]
Try this for a deep, dark secret The great detective Remington Steele? He doesn't exist.
I invented him.
Follow I always loved excitement.
So I studied and apprenticed and put my name on an office.
But absolutely nobody knocked down my door.
A female private investigator seemed so feminine.
So I invented a superior.
A decidedly masculine superior.
Suddenly, there were cases around the block.
It was working like a charm.
Until the day he walked in with his blue eyes and mysterious past.
And before I knew it he assumed Remington Steele's identity.
Now I do the work, and he takes the bows.
It's a dangerous way to live but as long as people buy it I can get thejob done.
We never mix business with pleasure.
Well, almost never.
I don't even know his real name.
Miss Hockmeyer.
Yeah.
This is Mr.
Hollis.
Uh, yes, it seems the, uh, shredder in Currency Destruction Room 3 is acting up again.
Y-Yes.
I've called the repairman and canceled this afternoon's, uh, transfer from the vault.
You might as well send the crew home.
Yeah.
What? Oh, uh, you have a nice weekend too.
I'm telling you, Hollis.
I live for the weekends.
[Chuckles.]
Which currency destruction room did you say this was for? - Three.
- Well, let's see.
Got an eight million ready for the chopper [Chuckles.]
Uh, 4.
6 million and a 2.
3 million.
I'll take the 2.
3.
- There you go.
- [Grunts.]
Now, me, I'm heading over to Catalina for two days and nights with Barbara "Boom Boom" Bellows.
[Chuckles.]
From Accounting? [Chuckles.]
[Chuckles.]
Uh, how about you? You, uh, got any plans? Well, there's a reading of Tolstoy's War and Peace on the radio I thought I might catch.
- Uh, sounds exciting, Hollis.
- Yeah.
- Can I give you a hand there, Mr.
Hollis? - No.
Oh.
Uh, l I just dropped my keys here.
No problem.
I'll get the door for you.
Can't have a new assistant manager spend his lunch hour scraping for a set of keys, now, can we? Thanks, Horace.
Forget it.
Have a nice weekend.
Yes.
You too.
[Chattering.]
[Man.]
Take care.
See you Monday.
I'll admit coming to the office is hardly my idea of a perfect Saturday morning but I can think of more imaginative ways to avoid it than a flat tire.
Ah, I understand, Mr.
Steele.
And Mr.
Cutler is most anxious to meet with you as well.
Well, what's so desperate about his problem that it can't wait until Monday anyway? [Laura.]
I understand that time is of the essence, sir when it comes to a missing school of prizewinning carp.
Koi.
They're called koi.
They hit every pond on my estate.
The whole collection.
Laura, am I to understand that you're dragging us away from a perfectly good weekend to search for missing fish? [Laura.]
Yes, sir.
Some of those koi are worth over $25,000 apiece, Mr.
Steele.
Oh, my God! I'll relay your concern to Mr.
Cutler, sir.
Sir.
Mr.
Steele? Wait! Ah.
Ah.
You know, I'm not in the habit of coming between a man and his Maker but surely there must be a better way out ofhere.
- Not for me there isn't.
- Oh, nonsense.
We all have our gray days.
Well, I've had a gray life, and it just turned pitch black.
Thanks, but no thanks.
Just hold on a moment, Mr Hollis.
Alfred R.
Hollis.
- Remington.
Remington Steele.
- Yeah.
Now, I mean, uh, think about it for a moment, Alfred.
In every dark corner, there's still one's work to consider.
- Shot to hell.
- Uh, well, then, uh, good friends, perhaps? - Don't have any.
- Treasured loved one? Let her down when she needed me most.
Could you let me go now? Hey, you know, Alfred, I've just had a thought.
If you're so anxious to get to the pavement down there, why don't you let me drive you? I mean, my car's only over there and, uh, I'll have Fred, my chauffeur, drive you wherever you like.
I don't think that will produce the same result.
Now you just let me be the best judge of that, okay? All right.
Now, approximately how many fish would you say were stolen, Mr.
Cutler? They're not just fish.
They're koi.
Now, when is Mr.
Steele arriving? - You just have a seat in here, Alfred.
Okay? - Mr.
Steele.
- Finally.
Ah.
You're, uh, Carpfish.
- Cutler.
- Right.
Could I see you for a moment, Miss Holt? - Could I see you, Mr.
Steele? - Maybe I should go.
- Out of the question.
Stay there and have a seat.
- See to it that he does.
Eh, Carpfish? - Cutler.
- Right.
Okay.
- It's Cutler.
- You're really trying to punch a hole in this one, aren't you? - Laura, it's not what you think.
I know stolen fish may sound ridiculous but first it's the flat tire, then you hang up on me, then you show up late.
- Who is that guy anyway? - His name is Alfred Hollis.
I only brought him here because he was trying to kill himself.
Please.
I know you can do better than that.
But it's true.
What's more, I really need your help.
I've never pulled a man off a bloody bridge before.
I'm not sure I can talk fast enough to stop him from trying it again.
- You're serious.
- And more than just a bit frightened too.
Excuse me, will you? Yes.
[Panting.]
I don't have all the details, but I'm certain that Alfred won't talk to anyone official which means that right now, we're the only ones between him - and a fast fall into the great hereafter.
- All right, all right, all right.
- Calm down.
We'll think of something.
- Good.
First we have to figure out a way to get rid of Carpfish.
Mm-hmm.
I thought his name was Cutler.
Mm-hmm.
I thought his name was Cutler.
L I wasn't trying to steal the money, you understand.
L I just wanted to borrow it.
- For the weekend.
- Hmm.
I promised Angelica I'd do everything I could to help.
Angelica? She's a young woman.
A very special young woman.
The only one to ever make me realize that life could be more than a steady job a room with two windows and a long book.
She moved into the apartment just above mine a few months back.
- From Spain.
- And you were trying to help her.
Yeah.
You see she opened one of these little specialty boutiques but it took all the money she brought with her just to get it started.
When her suppliers suspected she was broke they demanded to see the rest of her collateral by this weekend or or they'd shut her down.
She had the money, but it was all tied up in Spain.
So we thought, if she could just show them, say $50,000 of solid American currency They'd leave her alone till her own funds came through.
But if you only needed the 50,000, then why did you take It was the smallest they had.
Oh.
Besides, when you've destroyed as many billions as I have after a while it just turns into green paper.
Until, of course, some of it is missing.
I was gonna bring it all back early Monday morning feed it into the shredder myself so that everything would balance, but now I've lost everything.
The money, my job Angelica.
Do these windows open from the inside? No.
No.
It's a modern building.
Sorry.
I don't mean to sound negative but it's obvious we can't go to the police and our chances of finding a stolen car with 2.
3 million stashed under the seat - I know.
From his shoes, jumping must look pretty good - Hmm.
- But we've got to find a way to keep him back off the e - [Car Horn Honks.]
Uh You know, Alfred, I would really love to meet Angelica.
Hey.
I thought you said those windows didn't open from the inside.
- We were just lying.
- You get the odd loose one.
- I don't think I can face her.
- Come on.
Alfred, if Angelica is all that you say, I'm sure she'll understand.
- She's not here.
Let's go.
- No, no.
Let's wait for her to come back.
- I don't have a key.
- [Doorbell Rings.]
- No problem.
- Just happen to have it.
Thank you.
You're going to break in.
That's illegal.
- Look who's talking.
- Alfred I know this may sound trite under the circumstances but the fact is we all make mistakes.
That hardly means that the people we trust most are gonna turn their backs on us and desert us.
Voila.
- Angelica? - Ah.
Alfred, uh, are you sure this was her apartment? She's gone.
I don't understand.
Alfred, it doesn't seem as if anyone has lived here for - quite some time.
- [Coughs.]
But that's impossible.
Hollis? What are you doing in here? - Mrs.
Clagett, what happened to Angelica? - Who? Angelica de Gama.
This is her apartment.
I've managed this building since Ernie caught a slug in 'Nam, Hollis and we've never had a tenant here by that name.
This is the Dubins'apartment, and they've been in Europe for the past year.
Just how did you get in here anyway? If you'll all just excuse me for a moment.
- Alfred! Alfred! - Alfred, don't! Excuse me.
Alfred! I want you to stand perfectly still.
Do you hear me? - Angelica.
- We can all appreciate how upset you are about her, but No.
Look.
It's Angelica.
- [Yells.]
- Alfred! - That's Angelica.
- [Engine Starts.]
That's Angelica? But I drank my first glass of sangria in that apartment tasted my first smoked oyster.
I know she lived there.
- I believe you, Alfred.
- You do? According to the landlady, the apartment's been empty for the last year but this newspaper is only a week old.
Are you suggesting Gaslight? - What? - Charles Boyer.
Ingrid Bergman.
MGM.
1944.
In other words, Alfred, Angelica appears to vanish without a trace just a day after the money does.
Wait a second.
Are you saying my car being stolen last night wasn't a coincidence? Uh, no, no, no.
I mean, dozens of cars are stolen every day.
I mean, hundreds of them.
But Angelica knew I'd be taking that money out instead of destroying it.
You're saying she took it.
Tell me, Alfred.
The boutique that Angelica opened, what was it called? Broken Promises.
I was afraid to tell her that I lost the money.
All along she was just using me.
Alfred, sometimes it's important for us to try and look beyond the the mere facts.
- It's all right, Steele.
- Mm-hmm? - I think I understand now.
- Good.
- Everything's gonna be okay.
- Good.
- [Tires Squealing.]
- Alfred, no! - Let me go! - Alfred! - [Horn Blows.]
- [Yelling.]
No.
! I just had another thought.
[Doorbell Buzzing.]
All right, all right.
I'm coming.
- Laura? - I'm awfully sorry to barge in on your Saturday, but - Steele? - There's a small favor that we need to ask.
It should only be for a few hours.
Alfred needs someplace quiet to collect his thoughts.
- Sit.
- Wait.
To be perfectly honest, now is not the best time.
- You know what I mean? - Uh-huh.
Laura, I don't pretend to know what this is about and ordinarily I do anything you ask but you specifically told me you could handle the missing fish client by yourself.
Murph, I thought that you said you were gonna get rid of whoever was at the door.
Oh, dear.
- We've come at a bad time, haven't we? - Yes.
You could say that.
Well, I must say this is an honor to meet you at last, Miss, uh Uh, uh, Sherry.
Sherry Webster.
- Of course.
Murphy has told us so much about you.
- Really? - Mmm.
- But we just met last night.
Oh.
Well, I see.
Tell me, uh, Sherry.
Would you by any chance know how to brew a pot of tea? Tea? I guess Why? Because tea is such a mature, civilized drink.
And in a few minutes, I sense that we all need to be just as mature and as civilized as we can possibly be.
- My six iron is slipping.
Excuse me.
- Hmm.
[Laura.]
Look at this place.
[Laura.]
Look at this place.
It's hard to picture Alfred getting caught up with someone who likes to wear all this.
- Hey! - Oh.
If you're looking for somebody to play with, go down to one of the boulevards.
- We're strictly trappings in here.
- Sorry.
We were just admiring your, uh, uh your necklace.
- Well, it's not for sale.
- Oh.
- There something else you want? - We were just waiting for Angelica actually.
- She's supposed to meet us here.
- Yeah? - Well, you're in for a long wait.
- Oh? Why is that? The deadbeats I fire don't come back.
Especially when they owe me money.
- She worked for you then? - Yeah.
She was here for a while, but she was too busy running up a phone bill to be working for me.
Those must have been all the calls to our casting director.
If you could verify the number for us, I'd be glad to reimburse you.
Don't move.
I got the bill right here.
- [Clears Throat.]
- 35.
80.
- So you're casting directors, huh? - Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
What do you want with Angelica anyway? Uh, we're working on a, uh a punk version of Gone with the Wind.
And we had her in mind for Scarlett.
Any idea where we might find her? - Yeah.
Lingerie.
- Ah.
She had a weakness for lace and satin, eh? - Lingerie.
It's a club.
Down on Sunset.
- Oh.
I heard her mention it a couple of times.
This is our number that she kept calling.
Do you by any chance have a phone that I could use? Sure.
It's right here.
Oh.
Uh Oh.
Handy.
Hmm.
You must feel so hopeless, helpless, turmoiled frustrated, despondent, panicked, enraged Ionely, exiled.
You want to end it all too, huh? I have a Ph.
D.
In psychology.
I thought you said you were a stewardess.
You tell a man you're a doctor of psychology you end up going home by yourself.
They're all afraid you're out there to analyze their performance or something.
At least as a stewardess I stand a chance of getting lucky.
[Phone Rings.]
Yeah.
Yeah, Laura.
He's all right.
No.
No, no, no.
Nothing's happened.
Absolutely nothing.
What? Hey, it's Saturday.
Come on.
How am I supposed to track down a number All right.
Give it to me.
- That's the bank.
- Hold on a second.
What? All the numbers at the bank start with 555.
I don't know whose line Um, I think I can track down that number after all.
[Laura.]
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
Thanks, Murph.
Bye.
All those calls Angelica made were to the bank.
But not to Alfred.
So whom then? - An accomplice perhaps? - Possible.
Someone else on the inside? Someone who knew what Alfred did, maybe even the kind of loner that he was.
Hmm.
Easy prey for a sharp girl with a sad story.
She gets him to borrow the money And then they steal it out from under him.
The perfect patsy.
He can't go to the police, Angelica vanishes and he's left trying to tell a story his own mother wouldn't buy.
Gone with the Wind, huh? I guess it takes all kinds.
- [Chuckles.]
- Yes.
[Steele.]
Look, don't worry.
We'll find the money.
[Steele.]
Look, don't worry.
We'll find the money.
Well, Alfred, I sincerely hope you're through with that self-destructive bent.
But it's not your headache.
Alfred, when a man saves another man's life, it entails a certain responsibility.
But why should you worry about what happens to me? [Sighs.]
Yes.
There was a particularly rocky period in my life before I became Remington Steele.
That is, before I, uh, dedicated myself to the service of others.
I was in a state of perpetual anger lashing out at anything and anyone who crossed my path.
I didn't realize it then, but, uh, that anger was directed at myself a way of ending a life that held no promise no purpose, no future, no nothing.
Then someone came along who taught me self-respect imbued in me a certain clarity of thought, a certain sense of direction.
Perhaps I'm merely attempting to repay that person through you.
- It's hard to believe.
- Hmm? I mean, you have everything.
Confidence, success - silk shirts.
- [Chuckles.]
Well, it just goes to show you, Alfred.
We all have moments of self-doubt and despair.
- The trick is to hang on until they pass.
- [Phone Rings.]
Steele here.
Ah, yes, Laura.
Yes.
Yes.
Excellent thought.
I'm sure they will welcome us with open arms.
Of course.
We'll be there right away.
Okay.
Good-bye.
I didn't know you had relatives in Cleveland, Alfred.
Oh.
First cousins once removed on his mother's side of the tree.
This is just a stopover really on our way to Hawaii.
Since we were here, we just insisted Cousin Alfred show us where he works.
- Oh, it'll have to be a quick look, I'm afraid.
- Mm-hmm? We start locking down for the night in 15 minutes.
Ah.
- Nice meeting you all.
- And you.
Thank you.
If your interoffice directory is correct, Alfred, this should be 8878.
- And it is.
- Oh, no.
- What? - It is also the office of J.
P.
Whitcomb the district supervisor.
- You know him? - No.
Not really.
L I mean, I've never even seen him, but, uh You know, it's funny.
This calendar hasn't been used for a while.
Except for this address.
You see, it was J.
P.
Whitcomb who signed the memo promoting me to assistant manager two months ago.
Hmm.
About the same time Angelica appeared upstairs.
So the only reason I was promoted was to get the money out of the vault with just my signature.
Alfred, I know it appears you've been very carefully set up, but Alfred.
Alfred! Alfred! - [Tires Screeching.]
- [Horn Honks.]
Alfred! - Alfred? - [Gunshot.]
[Gunshots.]
Steele, I think someone's trying to kill me! [Gunshots Continue.]
- Alfred! - [Tires Squealing.]
We lost him.
All right.
Uh, look.
If he does come in, please have him return my call.
Thank you very much.
- Well, have you come up with anything? - No.
- Oh.
- I tried his house, the bank, all the hospitals.
Nothing.
- He's just gone.
- Well, he's gotta be out there somewhere.
- I mean, we're not gonna find him on the bloody telephone, are we? - Easy, easy.
- We all want to find Alfred, you know? - Ah.
Ah, ah, ah.
What about the beach? I mean, in A Star Is Born Fredric March walks himself into the ocean.
Or the train station.
I mean, Garbo threw herself in front of a train in Anna Karenina.
Or the reservoir, where Richard Chamberlain drank contaminated water in The Music Lovers.
I thought your shingle was psychology.
Yeah.
But I minored in film.
Oh.
All right.
I'm game.
You do the movies.
I'll do the driving.
I wonder where Murphy met Sherry.
You all right? Ah, you pull someone off a bridge, you think you're doing them a favor.
But every corner we turn around on this one just seems to make it worse for him.
At least before, Alfred believed he had a girlfriend, a promotion.
You tell me.
I mean, what does he have now? - He has you.
- Oh.
¢Ü¢Û¢Ü¢Û[Continues.]
Ah.
An inspired thought, Laura.
Looking at these people, one's self-esteem can't help but improve.
Oh.
Rodney Chatsford.
I heard about your movie.
I want to try out.
- Movie? - Gone with the Wind, Revisited.
Oh! Oh, word certainly gets around fast down here, doesn't it? Watch this.
Frankly, my dear Scarlett you stink! Interesting interpretation.
Very interesting.
Very interesting.
Of course, if we could see you with the Scarlett that we had in mind All right.
Watch your foot.
Here's Angelica.
Aaah! Ah.
Are you coming along quietly, Scarlett or do I have to get rough? I thought Whitcomb had sent you.
That's why I ran off.
But Whitcomb set you up in that apartment.
You worked for him, right? Only because I had to.
He has big friends in the Immigration Department.
And I'm not so legal, you know? He says if I don't get Alfredo to take the money, he's going to have me sent back.
- To Spain? - Tijuana.
So you filled Alfred's balloon with a lot ofhot, sweet air and then popped it by stealing his car with the money in it.
I'm not so proud of myself, okay? When I take the car back to Whitcomb, I see he has a gun.
That's when I think he's maybe going to kill Alfredo.
A little deception's all right, but the thought of murder upsets your delicate sensibilities, eh? - Think what you want.
- Stay right there.
Don't move.
Alfredo was not the only one to fall in love.
So many people everyone's got some kind of game, you know.
But not Fredo.
Fredo he was just Alfredo.
I went back to the apartment anyway last night.
I was going to tell him everything, warn him about Whitcomb.
I waited there all night, but he never came back.
Finally I got scared and and left this morning to go looking for him.
That must have been when he pointed you out to us.
Alfredo was with you? You know where he is? Alfred was with us then, but as for your other questions, l It'll be daylight soon.
Angelica if Alfred really matters to you, can you tell us where to look? Was there any place, any favorite spot where he might go if he were in trouble? I don't know.
Sometimes, when he was kind of down he'd want to go walking on the bridge.
The bridge.
Oh, no.
Not that bridge.
- Come on.
- Come on.
[Gasps.]
Steele.
What are you doing here? Alfred! You're alive! - Of course I'm alive.
- You're alive! He's alive! Ohhhh! Look, Laura.
He's alive! Ohhhh! - Why are you alive? - Oh, you mean how come I didn't, uh Well, considering recent events, it's not an unfair question, is it? No.
Yeah, well - Yeah? - I guess I'd pretty much hit bottom when I realized my promotion was just another part of the setup.
But, uh, when those bullets started flying and and I realized someone was trying to kill me well, I, uh I got kind of mad, you know.
I mean I mean, it's one thing if I don't feel like living anymore but for somebody else to decide willy-nilly that I should be dead But, Alfred, if you wanted to keep on living, then why did you run away from us? Oh.
Miss Holt, I couldn't let you take any more risks especially not with a killer after me.
That's why I came out here to figure out my next move.
I thought about going out to look for Angelica, but, uh I guess I must have fallen asleep.
- Angelica.
- If I could take it back to the beginning, Fredo I wouldn't change a thing except the last day.
Alfred, she led us to you.
And for what it's worth, she didn't have to.
If I knew what Whitcomb did with the money, I'd tell you.
So, I see you're all right now.
I can be going back to Mexico.
Angelica, wait.
Well, that's all well and good but if we don't find that You still have that address we got off of Whitcomb's calendar? Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Yes.
Right here.
Next to my heart.
[Banging.]
[Man.]
I hear ya.
I hear ya.
- I'll be there in a minute.
- [Sighs.]
Assuming we get in there, do you think it's a good idea to let Alfred along with us like this? I mean, I know he seems to be back on solid ground but supposing he loses his footing in a place like that? Hmm? You know what time it is? I'll tell you what time it is.
It's 7:00 a.
m.
On Sunday.
Now what the hell do you think you're doing? - Look, I'm really, really sorry, but today is Daddy's birthday.
- Yes.
And with his condition, who knows how many more he'll have.
He got his favorite gun ever from you a few months back, and if Clark hadn't lost it How was I supposed to know it was in the moose head? If you had the decency to hold off the garage sale until after he was gone Sis and I could've given him the vibrating footbath with the built-in clock radio - like we planned, but no.
! - All right.
All right.
I suppose a dying man deserves to have his favorite piece close by.
Just try and buy it quietly if you can.
- Yes.
Yes, we will.
Yes.
Really.
- Yes.
Yes.
- I'll get the keys.
- Thank you, sir.
Thank you.
Really.
Thank you.
- Oh, very good.
Wonderful.
- [Chuckles.]
You two really sisters? Funny.
Most people can tell right off.
Well, I can't find any record of a purchase by a J.
P.
Whitcomb.
Maybe if you could tell me what the gun looked like.
I mean, I carry all kinds.
I don't know the first thing about guns, Steele.
Oh! Well, uh, they're really very, uh, overrated.
I mean, uh, you just point them away from you and, uh, shoot.
Nothing could be duller.
Ah I think it looked like this one, except the handle had yellow wood on it.
Are you sure? That's a standard service revolver used by cops and the like.
Laura.
Come here.
You're not gonna like it, but we managed to locate Whitcomb.
- Where? - Sleepy Meadows Memorial Park.
Oh.
Well, that's a cemetery, isn't it? J.
P.
Whitcomb is dead.
And he has been for the last two months.
- What? - Steady, Alfred.
Oh! - What's happening? - Whitcomb is dead? Your dad.
Aw, gee.
I'm so sorry.
And on his birthday too.
Obviously, whoever's behind this at the bank knew Whitcomb was dead and has been using his name and office to run the scam.
But we've still got less than half a day to find the money.
Hmm.
And get it back in the bank.
And destroy it before somebody blows the whistle in the morning.
It'd be awful risky for him to lug it around everywhere.
He'd probably find someplace safe to hide it.
Hmm.
Unfortunately, the only clue we had on our ersatz Mr.
Whitcomb proved to be a dead end.
Wait a second.
Wait.
This is one of the straps we use to bundle the condemned currency.
- Where did you get this? - The floor of Whitcomb's office.
Of course.
The bank.
He's keeping the money somewhere in the bank.
No one would ever think to look for it there and with all that security, where could it be safer? But even if that's true, it's too late.
By now, Security has already started its lockdown for the night.
Then we'll break in.
[Together.]
Break in? Would you all excuse Miss Holt and me for a moment? Step this way.
Laura before we go raising the hopes out there any higher you might recall that we're talking about the Federal Reserve bank of your esteemed government not some local liquor store with a simple trip alarm a trusty dead bolt and a sleepy schnauzer.
Are you telling me it can't be done? With sufficient lead time, enough preparation, perhaps, but Well, we don't have any of those.
But what we do have is plain and simple Alfred R.
Hollis who ran away when someone was trying to kill him because he didn't want to see us get killed.
Or is there more to pulling people off bridges than you bargained for? Believe me, Laura, I'm painfully aware of my responsibility.
Painfully.
Ouch.
Alfred.
Um, most buildings, like, uh, most people, have a soft spot somewhere.
Someplace where they're very, um, vulnerable.
Any idea where that might be in the bank? I don't know.
I never thought much about the building.
Ah.
Don't think of it as a building.
Think of it more as a system.
I mean, take your job, for instance.
I mean, after you finish destroying the money, what happens to it? - Well, once the C.
V.
C.
S.
Shreds it - Hmm.
It goes through a tube into a central pulverizing bin and then it continues on up to a Dumpster on the roof The roof? The roof.
You know, I'm not a hundred percent sure I know how to operate one of these things.
No sweat.
Don't tell me.
I work construction during the summers.
I'll check the hook.
Hmm! Remarkable young lady, that Sherry.
Before we start, I think there's something you ought to know.
- What's that? - I'm not very good with sheer drops.
Oh, yes.
Then it's unanimous.
[Engine Starts.]
[Whistles.]
Here goes nothing.
Now swing 'em around towards the bank.
Laura.
! Take my hand.
Come on.
Don't look down.
Take my hand, Laura.
You can do it.
Come on.
Give us your hand.
Come on.
Come on.
Come on.
Don't look down.
Come on.
Come on.
Once more.
On the count of three.
You can do it.
One, two, three! [Grunting.]
Come on.
Swing.
That's it.
Come on.
Come on.
Come on.
Ooh! - [Engine Starts.]
- All right.
Now get 'em out of there! - Maybe you were right.
- Hmm? - Maybe we shouldn't go through with this.
- Well, I can't say I disagree.
But if we don't press on, our only way back is another ride on that crane.
By the way, uh, thanks.
Pleasure.
[Clears Throat.]
Go.
Go.
Just Ooh.
Oh.
Well Oh, well.
- If Alfred's map is correct, we should be able to - Shh.
Shh.
[Footfalls Approaching.]
I've always wanted to roll about in millions of dollars with a beautiful woman.
Curious how one's fantasies are fulfilled, eh? Maybe it's time we started thinking about fulfilling some other fantasies.
Whose? Yours or mine? Ours.
It's always good to take things slow and not rush things between us not get in too deep.
But only because we assume we'll both be around when the proper time comes.
I know.
I almost lost you out there tonight.
Suddenly I realized I'm not prepared for that at all.
Ah, yes.
I can't think of a conversation I'd like to continue more.
But I'm afraid I haven't left any room for it in the schedule.
Come with me.
This way.
[Sighs.]
[Grunting.]
- It has to be here somewhere.
- Yes, unless they've come back and beat us to it already.
- Have a look at this.
- Hmm? Hmm.
What do you make of this? L l Yes.
Bless you, Mr.
Steele.
Yes.
A trifle more substantial than pennies from heaven, but Ah, good.
Uh, I was hoping someone official was gonna stop by.
I think I've located the source of the rodent problem you've been having around here.
Uh, Montgomery Kruman, State Board of Exterminators.
It seems that the mother rat has been using this roo Ah.
I see you're taking your gun out.
[Chuckles Nervously.]
Your gun with the yellow wooden handle.
You're not Montgomery Kruman or Alfred's cousin from Cleveland, are you? Uh, Whitcomb.
You're Whitcomb.
Whitcomb's dead.
Remember? But you can go ahead and take the money down now.
Save me the trouble.
So, you set the whole thing up, eh? Rather ingenious, wouldn't you agree? You see, I wasn't satisfied with a government pension plan and knowing there was all this unwanted money floating around And you knew exactly how tight security was on that money so you actually needed someone else to steal it for you.
Alfred was such a lonely man.
I thought he needed a woman in his life someone he could help.
Ah.
But Alfred didn't have enough authority, so you, uh, faked his promotion.
[Horace.]
That's the great thing about bureaucracies.
The left hand doesn't know what the right hand is doing.
The proper memo signed by the proper official and nobody even bothers to ask if he's still alive.
And with the money stolen, there was just the little matter of killing Alfred.
I had planned for it to be a simple suicide in his apartment.
But he didn't come back.
Now I have to make some other arrangements.
Not unlike the arrangements I'm about to make for you.
Sorry to foul up all the arrangements, old boy.
You certainly waited long enough to make an entrance or did it take all that time to think up such a brilliant stunt? You saved my life this evening.
I was merely waiting for an opportunity to return the favor.
Oh.
Excuse me, but what are you doing here? To be honest, we were just contemplating matrimony.
But first there are some investigators we have to talk to down at the bank.
Still, it's great to be alive.
Don't you think? Stop apologizing, Murphy.
This has been one of the most meaningful weekends I've ever spent with a guy.
I mean, you really allowed me to be just who I am.
- Murphy, what exactly is going - Oh, please, Bernice.
Some other time.
Oh, and I won't be in the rest of the day.
And where are you going? With any luck, to have my performance analyzed.
[Both Laughing.]
All right.
That's it.
Now I want to know what's been happening here.
Ah, let's see.
Uh, we prevented a man from committing suicide.
Although trying to commit suicide actually saved his life.
[Laura.]
And we broke into a bank.
And helped to see nearly two and a half million dollars properly destroyed.
Come on.
I'm serious.
Well, I'd like to elaborate, Miss Wolfe but right now Miss Holt and I have a pressing conversation to complete.
Well, should I even bother to make the coffee? Uh, no, thanks.
We'll be having tea.
[Mews.]