Sabrina The Teenage Witch s01e22 Episode Script

Now, remember to look your parole officer in the eye.
Right.
I don't wanna be a cat for the next 75 years.
You'll do fine.
And we're all pulling for you.
That helps.
How's my breath? Fresh but not medicine-y.
You'd better go.
You don't wanna be late.
- Wish me luck.
- Good luck.
- Nice to see you again, Salem.
- It's nice to see you, Mr.
Grey.
And may I say you're looking trim.
Have you lost weight? Don't push it.
Okay, I've been reviewing your file and I'm pleased with your progress.
- Enjoying your life as a cat? - Yes.
- Any urinary tract problems? - No.
- Giving back to the community? - Yes.
- Gotten any strays in trouble? - No.
- Still want to take over the world? - Yes.
Wait, no.
I meant, no.
No.
[SOBBING.]
- How'd it go? SALEM: Don't ask.
Which way to Swan Lake? What do you think, Salem? Does this look like a cross-section of a cell? Looks like you cut a Styrofoam ball in half and painted on it.
I did.
But what do you know about biology anyway? [DOORBELL RINGING.]
I'll get it.
Afternoon, miss.
You the lady of the house? I'm one of them.
Can I help you? Question is, can I help you? Allow me to introduce myself.
I'm Linus J.
Skeezics, Quality Witchware.
- You're selling something, aren't you? - Only the finest and most enchanting enchanted items you'll find in any realm.
Might I interest you in some snake oil? - What does it do? - What do you want it to do? Just kidding.
It's guaranteed to keep your snakes slick, slippery - and completely squeak-free.
- We don't have any squeaky snakes.
Well, then, perhaps you'd like the Encyclopaedia Micronica.
Well, it's kind of hard to read.
Well, that's why I also sell Giganto-Glasses.
Here, put them on.
- Every word is six feet tall.
- Wow, that's a big "M.
" ZELDA: Sabrina, who's at the closet? - It's a salesman.
Why, who is this lovely lady? I bet you have to beat them off with a stick.
And I have just the thing for that.
The Amaze-o-stick.
We are not interested.
Well, then, how about a Tomorrow Ball? Ask it any question, see your tomorrow today.
- Hey, I could really use that.
- No, thank you.
We don't need your Tomorrow Balls, or your Amaze-o-sticks or any of your other fine products.
Now, goodbye.
Ninety years.
Same as cash.
What did you do that for? Sabrina, don't be taken in by those cheap magic tricks.
They never work.
But he made that ball sound so cool.
The best way to see tomorrow is by going to bed tonight.
I can't, until I finish my biology project.
Then I suggest you work on that.
- How much for the Tomorrow Ball? - Five hundred coin of the realm.
- Or three bucks American.
- Deal.
Pleasure doing business with you.
There's one in every house.
What have you got there? A Tomorrow Ball.
Let's see if it works.
Oh, Tomorrow Ball, what grade will I get on my project? A-minus.
A-minus, good enough.
But why is Mr.
Pool wearing a Catholic schoolgirl's uniform? Huh.
I've seen the future, but I don't understand it.
- Hey, Sabrina.
- Hey.
- What's that? - My science project.
- Whoops.
- What's that supposed to mean? Uh, my books are slipping.
Check it out.
I got the tickets.
Smashing Pumpkins tonight.
Our lives are 12 hours from being perfect.
- Did you hook me up? - You know it.
I thought your parents said no more concerts after the Metallica incident.
Yeah, they think they're forcing me to stay in, but really they're just forcing me to sneak out.
You're gonna sneak out? What if you get caught? They'll ground me.
But it's okay.
I don't have anything to do next weekend.
[STUDENT WHISTLES.]
Mr.
Pool's got legs.
- Now I understand.
- You do? Then explain it to me.
Thank you for your projects.
Now, I'm sure you're all curious about my duds.
It's Scottish Pride Day.
Now, have ye any questions about Scotland? - Okay, then, back to science.
- I have a question.
- Yes? - Who are some famous Scotsmen? Well, there's William Wallace, you know him as Mel Gibson.
Mary, Queen of Scots, no big surprise there.
And Dr.
Ian Wilmut, the guy that cloned the sheep.
Any other questions? Uh, can you do one of those jigs? A jig? Please, that's a silly Irish dance.
We Scots do the Highland Fling.
- What's going on here? - The principal.
- I thought this was a science class.
- It's Scottish, uh, Pride Day.
I don't care if it's Dress Like Aunt Sally Day.
This is inappropriate behaviour for a biology teacher.
I want you in my office after school.
- And no more dancing.
- Yes, sir.
Hey, kids, nice to see you.
I'm French, but do you see me wearing a beret and dancing the cancan? - No.
- That's right.
See you tomorrow.
And put on some slacks.
Don't worry, Mr.
Pool.
I like your purse.
It's a sporran.
Do you have a minute? I need to talk to you.
Have a seat.
It's about your cell project.
Let me guess, A-minus, right? I know I could have knocked myself out and gone for an A, but-- - You got a C.
- What? This is not the kind of work I'm used to seeing from you.
Look, you left out the mitochondria.
It's the powerhouse of the cell.
I didn't mean to.
I don't believe this.
You know, tomorrow looked a lot better yesterday.
Why don't you try it again? Take the weekend and do it over.
Thank you, Mr.
Pool.
I totally, completely, really, really appreciate this.
ZELDA: Balls, balls, balls.
What's going on? It sounds really interesting.
Oh, that's all? I can't find my tennis racket.
Have you seen it? No, but you can borrow mine.
If you promise to give it back.
I will.
I keep it in the piano bench.
- Here.
- Thanks.
Wait.
This is my tennis racquet.
- No, it's not.
- Then why is there a Z on it? Because I once lost a set to Zorro? I am sick of this.
For centuries you've been taking my things and you never return them.
- What haven't I returned? - Let's see.
"Crossbow, juggling clubs, Ming candy dish.
" - You kept a list? - Since 1542.
Let me see that.
"Shepherd's crook, cotton gin.
" I have no idea where any of this stuff is.
Well, I suggest you find it because I want it all back.
That is so like you.
How many centuries can you go on being irresponsible and inconsiderate? You're lucky Sabrina's home.
I thought magic was supposed to make my life easier.
HILDA: What happened? The Tomorrow Ball's a big fat liar.
You bought a Tomorrow Ball? I warned you about those.
Yeah, yeah, you're always warning me.
Anyway, it told me I was gonna get an A-minus on my science project.
And what did you get? A C.
Sabrina.
But don't panic.
Mr.
Pool gave me another chance.
- So I'll work on it all day tomorrow.
- What's wrong with right now? I have to get ready for the Smashing Pumpkins concert.
What? You're not going to a concert.
You showed poor judgement in trusting that Tomorrow Ball.
That was a major mistake.
But I told you all about it.
Don't I get points for that? Yes, which is why we're grounding you for just one weekend.
I don't believe this.
I'm missing the Smashing Pumpkins.
- Bummer T.
Jones, the third.
- It's not fair.
I was set up by a novelty item.
Lousy, cheap, magic oracle piece of enchanting garbage.
Vacuum cleaner.
The flying vacuum cleaner.
[SALEM SNIFFS.]
Is that a plan I smell? Maybe.
I mean, what's worse, sneaking out of the house or letting row double J, seat 126, go to waste? I think we both know the answer to that.
I'll be downstairs creating a distraction.
Set it on whisper.
Okay, got my ticket.
I'll take my chances.
No risk, no rock.
Whoo-hoo! Billy Corgan, here I come.
[SIREN WAILING.]
Pull your vehicle over.
Oh, no.
I said, pull your vehicle over.
What do I do? I'm in so much trouble.
Does this belong to you? Sabrina, what's going on? I caught her over Brookline, flying with a full bag and trailing a lot of dust.
That warrants an emissions citation, but when I attempted to pull her over, she took off.
I was looking for a well-lit area.
We thought you were upstairs doing your science homework.
I was.
Until I wasn't.
Well, I'll let you go with a warning this time.
But be careful.
There's a lot of sad stories out there in the dark night sky.
Consider me warned.
Thank you, officer.
Good night.
And fly safe.
- Hi.
- Sabrina, - I think you owe us an explanation.
- What were you thinking? I don't know.
I feel so low.
What's happening? What are you doing? - It's not us.
- You're small because you feel small.
How do I get big again? You won't, until you feel better about yourself.
Now, why don't you go to your room and think about what you've done? Okay, but could you help me? It'll take me days to get up the stairs.
- Gentle, Aunt Zelda.
ZELDA: There you go.
Right next to your science project.
I'm really sorry about what I did.
We know.
We'll discuss it later.
What a huge mistake.
[SNIFFLES.]
Sabrina, can we come in? - Oh, no.
She's gone again.
SABRINA: No, I'm not.
I'm on the bed.
Oh, how'd you get over here? SABRINA: Salem carried me in his mouth.
It took all my self-control not to eat her.
You're still small.
We thought you'd be feeling bigger by now.
No.
I think I'm gonna be 6 inches tall for the rest of my life.
You know, it's not a good idea to go to bed tiny.
But I really messed up.
The important thing is that you learn from your mistakes.
- We all make them.
- Except Zelda.
She's perfect.
Even I make mistakes.
Although it's been a while.
Hey, maybe you guys could tell me about some of your mess-ups.
It might make me feel better.
Oh, me first.
Let me tell you how I went from man to cat in one dumb move.
Our first plan of attack is to take Madagascar.
It works in Risk, it'll work for us.
Cream and sugar? - Can we focus? - Sorry.
Follow me.
And I promise I will be the most benevolent dictator the world has ever seen.
Did I say dictator? I meant leader.
The time is now.
Witch power.
Witch power.
Witch power.
Oh no, the witch fuzz.
We're busted.
OFFICER: Party's over, Salem.
You're under arrest for conspiracy to dominate the world.
SALEM: But we're a non-profit organization.
We meet to discuss new ways of thinking.
So I was sentenced to a hundred years behind whiskers.
- At least you have a nice home.
- Rent free, I might add.
So how did you guys end up with Salem? That's Hilda's fault.
I mean, story.
Forgive me.
I was young and idealistic and I thought Salem might actually pull it off.
- You were one of his followers? - Yes.
I was on the refreshment committee.
So they turned Salem into a cat, but how were you punished? I have to keep him worm-free for a century.
Whoa.
You know what just dawned on me? You guys had lives before I got here.
This is amazing.
We have a lot of catching up to do.
So were you ever kids? Yes.
Although it was back in the 14th century.
There were no phones, no TVs.
Things were very different.
Behold the abacus.
- Behold the "blab-acus.
" - Quiet.
- Why are we doing this? - To enlighten the masses.
The abacus is a modern instrument for performing arithmetic calculations developed by the greatest scientific minds of the Orient.
Cut it out.
I wasn't doing anything.
You always go for the cheap laugh.
I do not.
I am sick of your pathetic attempts to try and get attention.
Now can I get back to the abacus? Each lower bead equals one.
Each upper bead equals five.
Can I see that? My abacus.
No, it's mine, it's mine.
She always takes my stuff.
In retrospect, things weren't really different at all.
Where is the list? I wanna put "abacus" on it.
This is so much fun.
Tell me more.
Have you always been a musician and a scientist? No.
I bounced from job to job for centuries.
It took me awhile to figure out what I wanted to do to.
So, what was the worst job you ever had? Hard to say.
Blacksmith, donkey walker.
Oh, I'd have to go with deep-sea fisherman.
Halibut ho! Hard to starboard.
The other starboard, kelp-head.
It was awful.
Chapped lips, salt water, bad combination.
It's your turn, Aunt Zelda.
What was your worst job? I think it was back when I lived in Wales and I tried my hand at coal mining.
I told you if we went deep enough we'd find a seam, Bynnik.
How you doing, Chirpy? Chirpy? Canary's dead.
Let's get out of here.
Oh push, Arfon, push.
I still can't get my fingernails clean.
Zelda, I thought you said your worst job was-- Let's not bring that up.
Yes, let's.
Please, let's.
What did you do? It was the one time Hilda and I worked together.
The West was still wild and there were only two ways to make money: law enforcement and show biz.
Thank you, thank you for that warm Buzzard Gulch welcome.
Enough patter.
Our first number is one of our favourite songs.
And we hope you like it too.
[SINGING.]
Oh, I come from Alabama With a banjo on my knee Oh, I'm going to Louisiana My true love for to see Oh, Susanna Oh, don't you cry for me They hate us.
We made two bits that night.
And then they ran us out of town.
Fortunately, we figured out the secret to financial security.
- What secret? - Should we let her in on it? The secret is junk.
Hold on to anything long enough and it'll become valuable.
We just sold our old pewter dishes to the Smithsonian for an obscene amount of money.
And you know what's gonna keep us in cruises during our golden years? Plaid thermoses in mint condition.
Okay, we've covered jobs, money.
Now let's get to the good stuff, your love lives.
All right.
But first, Salem, out.
Fine.
I'll leave you girls alone.
I have to use the box anyway.
Okay, so how old were you when you had your first kiss? - Sixteen.
- Forty-eight.
And have either of you ever been married? - Sabrina, that might not be the best-- - It's all right.
I can talk about it.
As you know, I was engaged to Drell.
The wedding was all planned.
I had the Acropolis, a maid of honour, a fantastic caterer.
The only thing I didn't have was Drell.
- He's five minutes late.
- He'll be here.
- He's an hour late.
- He'll be here.
It's getting cold.
All right.
Let's go.
- Hilda, I'm sorry.
- Don't be.
I'm fine.
So that's why it's in ruins.
Fortunately, history has blamed the Turks.
And how about you, Aunt Zelda? Have you ever been married? Never.
She's too picky.
Actually, I have.
What? When? - Why didn't I know about this? - I don't tell you everything.
Tell me, tell me.
I was living in Florence during the Renaissance - and I met a guy.
- Benvolio? In the flesh.
- What are you doing here? - I cannot stay away from thee, Zelda.
Oh, I missed thee too.
But what if someone see us? My father does not like thee much.
Is he near? Nay, he tarries at the bear baiting.
Odds bodkins, I'm in luck.
I wrote a song for thee.
Shall I strum? Prithee.
[SINGING.]
Alas, my love, you do me wrong To cast me out discourteously When I have loved you so long Delighting in your company Greensleeves is all my joy And who but my lady Greensleeves Work in progress.
Benvolio, I love it.
Well, you wore green sleeves yesterday.
It is beautiful.
Oh, beauty pales in your wake.
- Marry me.
- Oh, thou playest me like a lute.
Yea, I will marry you.
Huzzah.
Come, I know a chapel in a field of myrrh.
They're open all night.
This is crazy.
It lasted three days.
Musicians.
I can't believe you never told me about Benvolio.
- It wasn't that big a deal.
- Not a big deal? It means you made a mistake.
You're not perfect.
This is the greatest night of my life.
I'll get the camera.
Maybe we should let Sabrina get some sleep.
No, I want to ask more questions.
All right.
One more.
Okay.
It should be important.
Did you guys ever make your own sausage? No, wait.
I can do better.
How did you guys decide to let me come live with you? Oh, that was an easy decision.
See, we knew you would be coming into your powers soon.
And with your mother in Peru and your father in a book, we thought the best place for you would be here.
I can't believe Sabrina arrives in two weeks.
I know.
I spent the whole second act thinking about it.
Good evening, Sylvio.
Thanks.
I mean, as strange as it seems, we may be the closest thing she has to a normal home.
True.
We're witches.
But we're suburban witches.
I just hope we're not getting in over our heads.
Sabrina's spent the last five summers with us.
What if we make a mistake and ruin her life? We won't.
Derrick, I'll have my massage later.
Yay, caviar.
My favourite.
Now, you do realise once Sabrina's here, we'll have to make a few changes.
Like what? No more late nights on the town, no more weekends in Tuscany.
- No more Formula One racing? - Too risky.
Hey, we can turn the second floor disco into her bedroom.
Don't pout, Lance.
Which reminds me, there's something else we'll have to give up.
- You mean? - I'm afraid so.
Sylvio, Lance, Derrick.
We need to talk.
But why'd you get rid of them? We thought servants might spoil you.
We wanted to teach you responsibility.
And to respect men.
But you gave up so much.
It seems like taking me in was the biggest mistake you've ever made.
Don't say that.
We love having you live with us.
And we have never regretted it for one moment.
Really? Hey, I feel something bubbling.
Stand back.
[YELLS.]
Hey, I'm normal size again.
Is that it? I could have sworn you were taller.
I'm glad you're feeling bigger.
Me too.
And I appreciate you guys telling me all those stories about all the weird stuff you've done.
It made me realise how lucky I am to live with such cool aunts.
Thanks for everything.
- Am I still grounded? - Yes.
I knew that.
- Surprise.
- What's the occasion? I'm celebrating you.
Our talk made me realise we've been through a lot together.
- And I wanted you to have this.
- How sweet.
My abacus.
- I found it in my sock drawer.
- Oh, thanks for returning it.
Wait.
It's broken.
I was 8.
And mad at you.
- Now I can't use it.
- You have a computer.
Only you would give me a gift that belonged to me in the first place.
Can I see that? - My abacus.
- It's mine, it's mine.
She always takes my stuff.