Scrubs s01e22 Episode Script

You ever notice how a tumour looks just like cheese? Is that good cocktail conversation? This patient today thought he had blood in his stool.
Turned out to be pimento.
What? I worked on a homeless guy who vomited up a mitten.
That won't stop me from wearing mine when it's cold.
What's wrong with you? We have a good bottle of wine, we all look nice.
Can we talk about something other than work? Please? Name an actress.
JD can tell you which movie she appeared in naked.
I'm gonna go put on my pyjamas.
Can't believe I shaved my legs for this.
Drew Barrymore, Meg Ryan, Jennifer Connelly.
Boys on the Side, The Doors, and as for Ms Connelly topless in Inventing the Abbotts, bottomless in Requiem For a Dream and in The Hot Spot, you gotta love her frontal and tush-tush.
- Oh, my God! - You the man.
That's the thing about best friends.
They just get each other.
You usually get uncomfortable hugging a guy right about now.
Bring it, baby.
This isn't gonna end well.
I used to wrestle in college.
Oh! You broke the hug! So you working on a house or what? Yeah, I scored this big restoration job.
So who's the fan club? Neat hug.
Newbie, no one likes a looky-loo.
Not now, not ever.
What's that, your lucky board or something? That? Oh, that's a nail gun accident.
Oh, my God, that's disgusting.
I dosed him with morphine, and the nail went straight through so it's not that big a d Dear God, she's getting woozy.
Quickly, show her the bloody side.
- Look.
Touch the nail.
- Yeah! Wanna touch it? Touch the nail.
Touch my nail! Touch it! - Lick the tip of my - Good night! - Let's get you to a hand surgeon.
- What about tough guy? Somebody'll get her.
- Bye-bye.
- Please don't.
I can't get over it.
Who faints? No one's fainted since the '40s.
You're a doctor.
You shouldn't have to look at that stuff.
I was surprised.
I don't like surprises.
Oh, my goodness! Pictures capture moments in time.
When they're posed, they're not real.
I hate that whole, like Thing.
That's why at a party, you see me in the bushes with my camera.
- You're a little weird, aren't you? - A little bit.
Ben, look what the cat tried to drag in before it was skinned and eaten.
Meow.
Still with the annoying camera? She just skip the part where people say hello to each other? Hello, Benji.
You look very pale.
I miss the sweet talk.
Maybe it's been too long.
Maybe my feelings were hurt a little.
"Feelings.
" That's a good one.
You're a big girl.
When you got divorced you put people in the awkward position of choosing between you and Perry.
You're my brother! Well, admittedly, that made it harder.
Ooh, good one! "Me so cranky!" Patient's name is Mo Weinberg.
Cancer is confined to the right testicle.
Dr Turk will be assisting with the removal.
Sorry, Mo.
Looks like you're about to lose Larry or Curly.
Starting the incision.
Wait, wait.
Stop, stop.
I'm guessing Mr Weinberg is Jewish.
- Yeah, so? - Why isn't he circumcised? A recent medical study found that a mistake is made on 20 percent of all patients.
Most of these are clerical and harmless but it still adds up to a lot of near misses.
Dr Wen asks if there could be a mix-up because our appendicitis patient, that dude doesn't have an appendix.
Oh, wait right here.
Wow.
I know.
You know, we almost did Whoa! What's goin' on here? No, Mom, I don't care what my third grade teacher is up to.
And scene.
How are you? I haven't seen you since your breakdown.
Oh, which one? Oh.
So What's new? Last time I saw you I was really stressed.
The weight of the world on my shoulders.
- So guess what I did.
- Quit your job? Flushed my fish down the toilet.
No more feedings, no more bowl cleaning no more being judged for having a second glass of wine.
Don't even get me started on judgmental fish.
But that sent me on this whole shame spiral, so I decided to travel.
I got hit on in Venice.
I climbed Mount Kilimanjaro.
For about ten minutes.
It's very steep.
Then I went to Florida to swim with Dolphins.
- Oh.
- And I don't mean the fish.
There was an NFL thing going on at the hotel.
- You.
- I almost forgot! I'm engaged! There used to be a ring, but my fiancé did some soul-searching and we decided that it needed to be a little more fancy.
Oh, you have no idea how happy this makes me.
The only reason you're vomiting and exhausted is Well, you're pregnant.
N I'm what now? Yeah, pregnant! Your fiancé's gonna be so happy! My fiancé and I decided not to have sex until we were married.
So he's not gonna be so happy.
More curious, really, than happy.
You'll want to rewrap the gauze when it gets soiled.
Rewrap a dirty bandage.
It's phenomenal how you doctors keep all this in your head.
We don't.
It says it right there on the box.
Look, right there.
Hey, don't be mean to him.
You're mad at me.
You shouldn't do contracting.
You're clumsy.
That's why these things happen.
They don't.
How many times have you hurt yourself with that nail gun? - Once.
What? - Oh, come on.
That's a new nail gun.
If it'd been any other the estimate would be slightly higher.
It's not funny.
You're pretty when you're mad.
I guess sibling rivalry never goes away, no matter how old you get.
What is this? That doesn't hurt.
- Doesn't hurt.
Doesn't hurt.
- Oh, really? OK, that kind of smarts a little bit.
- Jordan, I'll call later.
All right? - OK.
Fine.
Forget it.
Forget it.
You big jerk.
You happen to remember when she used to be fun? - No.
- Me neither.
Me neither.
When spoken to, newbie.
When spoken to.
I thought we were clear on that one.
We haven't grabbed a beer in weeks.
What's that about? He's never asked me to grab a beer, but I don't care.
Would you like to come? Oh, God, yes.
To buddies! What do you think you're doing? You can't drink.
You're our driver.
That's why we brought you.
That's just not right.
Well, I'm gonna drink this for both of us.
Can't stop thinking about Mr Weinberg's testicles.
Dude.
I mean, I almost removed one of them, Todd.
- Which one? - Like it matters.
Oh, it matters.
- Bye, Todd.
- OK! Dr Turk, I heard about your mishap earlier today but here's the skinny.
If that patient finds out what happened because you can't rein in your yapper then heads will roll, and I promise yours and Ted's will be the first to go! What did I do? Consider my lips sewn shut, sir.
Which, in this hospital, could happen.
Young man! At Sacred Heart, we do not make mistakes.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no! I wouldn't have slept with someone else if I didn't love you so much.
No, no, no, no, no! Stop! Hang up the phone! Hold on one second.
Hold on! Hi! Your last name is Tracy! Of course you know that but there's a woman in 308 whose first name is Tracy.
I started thinking about your urine and how you stay well-hydrated which is why your pee is lighter than most people's and the sample with your name on was bright yellow and the other Tracy is not much of a water drinker which is why I think her skin looks so pasty.
Get to the point.
You're not pregnant! The lab tech just switched the samples.
You're killin' me.
Hey, sweetie, you know I was joking about all that stuff, right? Kim Basinger.
Please.
Nine 1/2 Weeks.
Winona Ryder.
Never naked, but just a hint of nipple in How to Make an American Quilt.
Good.
At last, a worthy foe.
Oh, chalk boy? "Chalk boy.
" If you could chalk it without pleasuring it, that'd be terrific.
What? You're going for that gruff doctor routine but you just come off sounding like a cartoon pirate.
"Gladys.
Chalk it! Don't pleasure it!" "Here's what we're gonna do.
" Are ya done? Yeah, I'm done.
Yeah, I think you are too.
Come on.
Let him have a little fun.
All right, Clara.
You can order yourself a Cosmopolitan.
We'll just grab a cab home.
Actually, Ben's been sneaking me beers all night, and I'm quite drunk.
That's just great.
Hey, Ben, what Why is this hand still bleeding? I don't know.
It's weird.
I cut myself shaving last week and it wouldn't stop bleeding.
One thing that sucks about being a doctor is that you never miss a red flag.
Can I have you over here for two seconds? What the hell are you doing? - Humour me.
It's probably mono.
- The kissing disease? - Yeah.
- Score.
Your only job today is to get his test results back, you understand? Hey, guys! See, now that's real.
She wasn't pregnant after all.
Some idiot mislabelled her sample.
I was a heartbeat away from giving an appendix patient a crotch lobotomy.
If I do my best and I lose a patient.
I can live with that.
But if a clerical error is the reason a guy's walking around with "only the lonely," damn, that don't sit well with the big dog.
I'm with you, big dog.
I was paged because Ben's blood work was finally ready.
Unfortunately, the chart wasn't in the out box.
I'd knock, but the haematopathologist is the meanest intern-hating-est monster in this hospital.
Don't be a chicken.
If you need something, go in and get it.
Excuse me, sir I'll come back later.
The haematopathologist was the last person I wanted to deal with.
Why do you have to jump out and scare me all the time? I don't jump out and scare you.
I follow you around all day.
I only got an hour-and-a-half worth of work.
The rest of the time, I track you, like an animal.
You're kidding, right? I don't know.
Am I? What? How did that get there? - Come on, good news.
- Hey, Bambi.
Are you OK? Leukaemia.
No.
When you deliver horrible news to someone the walk to their door can seem an eternity.
Thank you, nice nurse.
- Ben, why? - Cos it's my thing.
You're just jealous cos you don't have a thing.
I had a thing.
I used to like to hike.
But Jordan somehow got that in the divorce too.
She got your hobby? That's vindictive.
Look, Ben, I know I am prone to making the occasional casual reference to your sister being a Well, a wire-haired man-goblin.
But I hope that has no effect on your relationship.
It's very sweet of you to think that you're that important.
- Draw on three.
- Oh, yeah.
One, two, three, draw.
You are in serious trouble.
What? What? Hey, new friend.
Oh, Janice, are those the test results we've been waiting for? Wait a sec, first Turk's patient, then Elliot's.
This is a mistake.
I just, I feel it in my gut.
I'm sure of it.
Hello, Janice? No, this is some You know, that lab is backed up again and so I'm gonna It's a little while.
- All right.
Terrific to see you.
Bye.
- Go.
I know who screwed this up.
It's that same lazy-ass nurse that mixed up my files.
- There she is.
I'm gonna go get her.
- I can fight my own battles.
You're gonna write an angry note? She doesn't deserve it.
- I lost my thesaurus.
- You go get her then.
Hello Nancy.
Hi, how Could you check, there's a very important file I You know what? This actually means, "in a minute.
" Tag me in.
I am oiled-up and ready to go.
She said a minute, so I'm sure that in a minute Now it's two.
You're in.
Thank you.
My friend needs you to check on the Ben Sullivan file and you're gonna do it right now.
Why? Because you are not gonna drop the ball like you did on my patient.
- You said, "Drop the ball.
" - I know, totally by accident.
- Chop-chop, Nancy.
- Rápido.
Hey there, buddy! - How is my best friend doing? - You and I hardly know each other.
These aren't my words.
Hello, Dr Dorian.
Let's take a ride.
So, word has it you've been doing a little fishing in these here parts trying to catch yourself a prize-winning mistake.
No, sir, I just I was sure your little buddy in Surgery would've shared with you my most important rule here at Sacred Heart.
Tell him my most important rule, Ted.
Too much "ha-ha," pretty soon "boo-hoo.
" My other rule.
If you don't look for a mistake, you can't find one.
That's right, Teddy bear.
Now, stop looking for trouble just because you like this patient, and face the facts.
Remove him, Ted.
That "ha-ha" rule is true.
I'm just asking you to check and see if you could've made a mistake.
In seven years, I've never made a mistake.
You mixed up my patients' urine samples yesterday! I make lots of mistakes.
But I have to go to the bathroom now.
- After that, I'm going to lunch.
- Franklyn - Can you help me out here? - What do you want me to do, cry? - Can you do that? - Sure.
Give me a second to think of something sad.
- Quickly.
- OK, that's not helping.
I shouldn't have put you in this position.
Oh, there we go.
Another man in my life, trying to protect me.
Stay with it, Elliot.
Everyone thinks I can't take criticism because mom and dad give nothing but.
- Good, this is good.
- Look where it's gotten me.
You know, I'm 26, single and all I do is work.
You know, I may as well just give up the idea of being in a healthy and happy relationship and just go ahead and And And Become your mother? Yeah.
Check Mr Sullivan's tests again.
OK.
How cool was that? Why so sad, Bambi? Because so far no one's screwed up.
The clerk didn't make a mistake, or the lab technician.
Maybe I'm just an idiot.
I don't know.
Let me ask you something.
You're kind of a boob guy, right? Excuse me? I can tell.
I've seen you look at mine.
Not in a sleazy way, or anything.
This is the most uncomfortable conversation I've had.
- You want to touch one? - I stand corrected.
You're my best friend's girlfriend.
So your instinct is to pass on this fantastic one-time offer? - I'm afraid so.
- I'm up here, Bambi.
Oh, sorry.
With Ben, it's one of two things.
Either your instincts are right or your brain is trying to protect you from something.
You have pretty good instincts.
Trust them.
What am I supposed to do though? You know there's only one more person to talk to.
The haematopathologist.
Hello? - Call me Dr Bobb.
- You go by your first name? - Nope.
First name's Fred.
- Fred Bobb? What can I do you for? Hi, I was hoping that you could recheck Ben Sullivan's blood smear.
Well that depends, young man.
Do you think I made a mistake or do you just wish I did? - I kind of wish you did.
- Then I'll do it.
Sorry there, giant '70s security guard guy.
- Cold out here, huh? - Yes.
Yeah.
You could hang a friggin' raincoat off my nipples.
Left one at least.
The right one's just a little shy.
- Sticking with the weird thing? - It works for me.
Listen, you guys wouldn't be keeping me here if there wasn't something potentially wrong with me, would you? No, we wouldn't.
Hey, how come this guy is always following you in the pictures? - Oh, my God.
- Him.
Want to see the rest of the pictures I took today? - Look at that one.
- These are good, man.
Ben, good news, man.
Let's get a picture together.
- OK.
- Come on.
It was weird how everyone came to see Ben off.
Everybody in.
He'd only been here one day and there wasn't even anything wrong with him.
Why take a picture like that? You said posed pictures aren't real.
Come on, JD.
None of this is real.
You know that.
- What do you mean? - Think about it.
Stop looking for trouble just because you like this patient and face the facts.
Either your instincts are right or your brain is trying to protect you.
Do you actually think I made a mistake or do you just wish I did? I kind of wish you did.
Janice! Over here, big guy.
Let's try this again.
Are those the test results? Yeah.
Ben, you have leukaemia.
That sucks.
Yeah.