Spin City s01e22 Episode Script

ANOTHER AREA OF CONCERN IS THE SCARCITY OF CITY CONTRACTS THAT ARE AWARDED TO FEMALE-OWNED BUSINESSES.
MIKE, THIS IS EERIE.
SHE LOOKS LIKE THE FIRST LOVE OF MY LIFE, MISS LOWELL.
THE FIRST LOVE OF YOUR LIFE, AND YOU CALLED HER "MISS?" WELL, SHE WAS MY HIGH SCHOOL FRENCH TEACHER, THE FIRST WOMAN I EVER SLEPT WITH.
WHOA, MR.
MAYOR.
WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO UPDATE YOUR BIO.
OOH.
IN THE SAME SPIRIT, I CHALLENGE THE ADMINISTRATION TO LOOK INWARD.
HELLO, RANDALL.
YOU'RE LOOKING GOOD AS EVER.
THANK YOU, MISS LOWELL.
MERCI.
MERCI, MADEMOISELLE LOWELL.
SO, RANDY, HAVE YOU BEEN KEEPING UP ON YOUR CONJUGATIONS, OR DO I NEED TO KEEP YOU AFTER CLASS FOR A FEW DRILLS? THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
SIR, STAND UP, SIR.
I DON'T THINK THAT WOULD BE PRUDENT, MIKE.
SIR, PEOPLE ARE STARING AT YOU.
WHAT'S THE MATTER, YOUR FOOT ASLEEP? NO.
NO.
BUT THERE'S ANOTHER PART OF ME THAT'S VERY, VERY AWAKE.
(WOLF WHISTLE) WHAT ARE THE RAMIFICATIONS OF THE MAYOR'S SITTING OVATION? I EXPECT IT'LL BE A TOP STORY IN THE NEWS TONIGHT.
THERE WERE PHOTOGRAPHERS THERE, SO THE NEWSPAPERS WILL PICK IT UP.
BY 6:00 TONIGHT, ANYONE WITH BREASTS WILL HATE US.
WELCOME TO MY WORLD.
WHY COULDN'T THE MAYOR JUST STAND UP? (GIGGLING) WHAT? WHAT AM I MISSING? HOW AM I GONNA EXPLAIN THIS? OK, NIKKI, UM EVEN THOUGH THE MAYOR WASN'T ACTUALLY STANDING HE WAS AT FULL ATTENTION.
NO! YES.
YES.
NOW, THE QUESTION IS, HOW ARE WE GONNA EXPLAIN THIS LITTLE SNUB TO THE WOMEN'S ACTION CAUCUS? SNUB? THE MAN PAID THE WOMAN THE ULTIMATE COMPLIMENT.
YEAH, IF THEY WERE ORANGUTANS.
NOW, COME ON.
SOMEBODY'S GOTTA HAVE AN IDEA.
WE COULD SAY HE WAS PARALYZED.
OF COURSE THE MAYOR WOULD HAVE TO SPEND THE REST OF HIS PUBLIC LIFE IN A WHEELCHAIR.
NO, WE COULD STAGE THIS MIRACLE OPERATION, LIKE WHEN THEY SEPARATED THOSE SIAMESE TWINS! THINK OF THE PUBLICITY! WHY DON'T WE JUST SAY HE WASN'T FEELING WELL? THANK YOU.
YOU THINK YOU CAN HANDLE THAT? PRESS CONFERENCE FIRST THING TOMORROW.
THAT WOULD BE FINE.
I'M STILL NOT CLEAR ON THIS.
CAN'T YOU GUYS CONTROL THOSE THINGS? NOT ALWAYS.
I MEAN, YOU CAN SCOLD IT SMACK IT AROUND A LITTLE BIT.
BUT THAT ONLY SEEMS TO ENCOURAGE IT.
I AM FASCINATED.
SOMETIMES ALL IT TAKES IS A THOUGHT, A MEMORY.
SOMETIMES ALL IT TAKES IS A SLIGHT BREEZE.
YEAH, IT'S THAT EASY, HUH? YET I HAVE DATED GUYS, AND THEY HAVE THOUGHT AND THOUGHT AND THOUGHT, AND IN THE END, THEY STILL COME UP WITH NOTHING.
I WOULDN'T KNOW ABOUT THAT.
NO, NEVER HAD A PROBLEM.
SO, WHERE IS THIS GUY? HE'LL BE HERE ANY SECOND.
I HAVE TWO WORDS FOR YOU GUYS-- BE-HAVE.
THIS IS THE FIRST TIME SINCE JUNIOR HIGH THAT I HAVE NOT KNOWN SINCE DAY ONE THE RELATIONSHIP WAS DOOMED.
RELAX, NIKKI, YOU MAKE THE GUY SOUND LIKE AN ENDANGERED SPECIES.
HE IS.
HE'S SINGLE, HETEROSEXUAL, AND INTERESTED IN ME.
BAG HIM, TAG HIM, AND BREED HIM IN CAPTIVITY.
WHAT'S UP? Nikki: HI! OHHH! IT'S OUR 9-DAY ANNIVERSARY.
OH, THAT'S SO SWEET! ALL I GOT YOU WAS THIS.
LET'S PUT THESE IN WATER.
SMOOTH MOVE.
THOSE ARE BEAUTIFUL FLOWERS.
OH, YEAH.
I WAS ADMIRING THOSE WHEN THEY WERE POTTED IN FRONT OF 2-G.
I PICKED UP CHINESE.
SO HE MAYBE STOLE THE FLOWERS, BUT HE DID JUST BUY US DINNER.
AND, OH, HERE'S YOUR CREDIT CARD, NIKKI.
AND WE HAVE A LOSER.
SO, YESTERDAY WAS A NON-INCIDENT.
THE MAYOR SIMPLY DIDN'T FEEL WELL.
WE HAVE THE HIGHEST RESPECT FOR MS.
LONGLEY AND HER ORGANIZATION, AND WE HOPE THAT SHE HAS NO HARD FEELINGS BAD FEELINGS-- NO BAD FEELINGS.
THE MAYOR WASN'T WELL? WHAT DO YOU MEAN? WAS HE DIZZY? YES.
SO IT WAS LIKE A MOMENTARY BLACKOUT? YEAH, YOU COULD SAY THAT, OK.
HE COULDN'T STAND BECAUSE HIS LEGS WEREN'T GETTING CIRCULATION? YEAH, WHY NOT? OK.
THAT'S RIGHT.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
WARM UP THE BUS, WE ARE OUTTA HERE.
YOU JUST DESCRIBED OF A HEART CONDITION.
MIKE! MIKE! WELL, THANK YOU, DR.
LASSITER.
IF YOU HAD GIVEN ME A FEW MORE MOMENTS, I COULD HAVE RECOVERED.
ANY MORE TIME, YOU'D HAVE PRONOUNCED THE MAYOR DEAD.
HEY, MIKE, IF THE MAYOR CROAKS, ARE YOU NEXT IN LINE, AND IF SO, AM I AFTER YOU? YOU'RE CLOSE.
IT GOES LIKE THIS-- IT GOES ME, THE PUBLIC ADVOCATE, THE GUY IN THE MAILROOM THAT WEARS THE HELMET THEN YOU.
MIKE, THIS IS NOT GOOD.
NO.
PEOPLE WILL VOTE FOR A SEXIST, BUT NOT A MAYOR WITH A HEART CONDITION.
AT LEAST HIS PROBLEM HAS MIGRATED NORTH.
YOU GUYS AREN'T SEEING THE SILVER LINING HERE.
THE WOMEN'S ACTION CAUCUS HAS ACCEPTED OUR APOLOGY.
OUR ONLY DOWNSIDE IS THAT WE SEEM TO HAVE ACCIDENTALLY GIVEN THE MAYOR A TERMINAL ILLNESS.
I KNOW HOW TO GET RID OF THAT.
(TELEPHONE RINGS) HOLD ON ONE SECOND.
MAYOR'S OFFICE.
YEAH, I'LL ACCEPT THE CHARGES.
HI, GEORGE.
IT'S A SIMPLE FIX.
RELEASE THE MAYOR'S MEDICAL RECORDS.
THEN THEY'LL KNOW HE'S IN PERFECT HEALTH.
NO PROBLEM.
CAN YOU BELIEVE HER? WHY DON'T YOU JUST GO OVER TO MY APARTMENT AND WATCH MY TV? I'LL GET YOURS OUT OF HOCK THIS AFTERNOON.
(MIKE WHISTLING) WHY DO WOMEN ALWAYS GO FOR LOSERS LIKE HIM? INSTEAD OF LOSERS LIKE YOU? WE'VE GOTTA RESCUE NIKKI FROM THAT MONSTER.
JAMES, IT'S HER BOYFRIEND, IT'S NOT JASON.
WE CAN'T TURN OUR BACK ON A FRIEND WHO'S BEING TAKEN ADVANTAGE OF.
IT'S RESOLVED.
WE GET TOGETHER AND WARN HER, AND WE DON'T QUIT UNTIL SHE'S AS MISERABLE AND ALONE AS THE REST OF US.
MIKE, THOSE MEDICAL RECORDS WILL BE DELIVERED THIS AFTERNOON.
WHAT ARE YOU GUYS TALKING ABOUT? NOTHING.
WE LIKE GEORGE.
YOU GUYS ARE IN HERE TRASHING GEORGE? NO, IT'S JUST THAT WE THINK HE'S TAKING ADVANTAGE OF YOU.
BACK ME UP, GUYS.
THAT'S AWFULLY PRESUMPTUOUS OF YOU, CARTER.
THAT IS SO UNFAIR.
GEORGE IS NOT SOME KIND OF DEADBEAT.
I WILL HAVE YOU KNOW, HE IS A WRITER.
OHHH! OH! AH! HE IS WRITING A SCREENPLAY! OHHH! OHHH! WHAT?! OH, HE'S A WRITER! THAT'S LIKE AN ACTOR WHO'S TOO LAZY TO WORK IN A RESTAURANT! NIKKI, HE'S LOOKING FOR A FREE RIDE.
I KNOW GUYS LIKE HIM.
I AM GUYS LIKE HIM.
YOU ARE WAY OFF BASE HERE.
GEORGE IS TOO PROUD TO BE A KEPT MAN.
HEY, GREAT BLOUSE.
AND, UH SOME BAD NEWS.
SOME STUFF WENT DOWN WITH MY APARTMENT.
SO I FIGURED I'D CRASH HERE FOR A WHILE.
IF THAT'S COOL WITH YOU.
MIKE, DID YOU GET MY MEDICAL RECORDS OK? YEAH.
UH, SIR? YOU--YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU HAD A CLEAN BILL OF HEALTH.
LOOK AT ME.
I'M HEALTHY AS A HORSE.
WANT TO FEEL THIS? DESPERATELY, SIR.
MAYBE LATER.
UH NO, WHAT I'M CONCERNED ABOUT IS YOUR STAY AT THE, UH SHADY BROOK FACILITY? THE GOLF RESORT? THE MENTAL HOSPITAL.
OH! THAT! YEAH, YOU YOU THINK THAT'LL BE A GLITCH? JUST MIGHT.
I WAS ONLY THERE FOR ONE NIGHT, AND I HAVE A VERY VALID EXPLANATION.
THANK GOD.
IT WAS IN THE SIXTIES, I WAS AT THIS PARTY, AND THIS IDIOT SPIKED THE KOOL-AID.
AND BEFORE I KNEW IT, I WAS 3/4 THE WAY UP A PINE TREE, NAKED AS A JAY BIRD, TRYING TO GET AWAY FROM ALL THE GIANT BUGS.
THERE.
WELL, THERE YOU HAVE IT.
OK, SO I JUST EXPLAIN TO THE PRESS THAT YOU WERE IN A MENTAL HOSPITAL BECAUSE YOU WERE TAKING ACID.
COINCIDENTALLY, MIKE, THAT WAS THE SAME NIGHT I DECIDED TO BECOME MAYOR.
YOU DON'T SAY.
OK, EVERYBODY, GRAB A BOOK.
THE FIRST PERSON TO FIND A HARMLESS DISEASE THAT MATCHES ALL THE SYMPTOMS PAUL BESTOWED UPON THE MAYOR IS THE BIG WINNER.
IF ONLY THERE WERE SOMEONE WE COULD CALL, UH--SOMEONE TRAINED TO DIAGNOSE DISEASES.
LET'S SEE, A BUTCHER? NO, HE WOULD BE MEAT.
A MECHANIC? NO.
CALL A DOCTOR! NO DOCTORS, NOT YET.
MIKE, THE ODDS OF US FINDING A MATCHING DISEASE GOT IT! "ROLIO PIDGEA.
" IT HAS ALL OUR SYMPTOMS, LETHARGY, DIZZINESS, STIFFNESS IN JOINTS.
THIS IS EXCELLENT.
NOW IF YOU COULD JUST FIND A CONDITION THAT DOESN'T INCLUDE MASSIVE INFLAMMATION OF THE BUTTOCKS WE'LL BE IN BUSINESS.
WHAT'S THE PLAN? HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT SLEEP DEPRIVATION, SIR? YOURS OR MINE? YOURS.
NOT A BIG FAN.
WHY? THE SYMPTOMS PAUL DESCRIBED COULD HAVE BEEN BROUGHT ABOUT BY SLEEP DEPRIVATION.
OH! WE THOUGHT WE'D KEEP YOU AWAKE FOR A WHILE, BRING A DOCTOR IN AND HAVE HIM EXPLAIN TO THE PRESS THAT YOU JUST NEED A NAP.
BECAUSE I'VE BEEN WORKING SO HARD FOR THIS CITY? IT MEANS STAYING HERE TONIGHT SO WE CAN KEEP AN EYE ON YOU.
SO I WOULDN'T BE ABLE TO GO HOME TO HELEN? IT'S A GET-OUT-OF- MARRIAGE-FREE CARD, SIR.
SEE YOU AROUND 7:00.
HEY, DUDES.
AFTERNOON DUDE.
I MISS YOU ALREADY.
POST-ITS! YOU CAN TAKE 'EM HOME.
OH, COOL! BATHROOM? DOWN THE HALL.
COOLER.
IT'S LIKE HE CONSERVES ENERGY BY SAYING AS FEW WORDS AS POSSIBLE.
HE'S A LITTLE SHY.
HE REACHED OUT WITH A "HEY, DUDE" BEFORE HE STARTED STEALING OUR OFFICE SUPPLIES.
HE BORROWED SOME POST-IT NOTES.
THAT WAS QUICK.
OH, I DIDN'T NEED TO GO.
I JUST WANTED TO PICK UP SOME T.
P.
FOR LA CASA.
I DIDN'T KNOW WE WERE ALLOWED TO TAKE TOILET PAPER HOME.
YOU'RE NOT.
THIS IS FOR YOU.
I GOTTA GET BACK TO WORK.
(ALL) WORK.
WORK.
YEAH, NOSE TO THE GRINDSTONE.
PACE YOURSELF.
OH, LOOK, HE WROTE ME A POEM.
"I THINK OF YOU AND MY LEGS ARE SHAKING, "ON THE WAY HOME FROM WORK, PLEASE PICK UP SOME EGGS AND BACON.
" PLEASE TELL ME HIS SCRIPT IS BETTER THAN THAT.
I DON'T KNOW BECAUSE HE WRITES IT DURING THE DAY.
HE DOESN'T WANT ME TO READ IT UNTIL IT'S DONE.
AREN'T EVEN YOU JUST A LITTLE BIT CURIOUS? LIKE, SAY SOME NIGHT, WHEN HE'S OUT ON THE FIRE ESCAPE SMOKING A CIGARETTE BUTT HE FOUND ON HIS WAY HOME FROM 50 CENT BEER NIGHT.
NO, I TRUST HIM.
DON'T YOU WANT TO KNOW IF HE HAS ANY POTENTIAL? I AM NOT A SNOOP.
HEY, THESE GUYS ARE SNOOPS.
OH, YEAH.
ABSOLUTELY.
NOT A PROBLEM.
I DON'T HAVE A PROBLEM WITH IT.
I REFUSE TO HAVE YOU GUYS BREAK INTO MY APARTMENT SOME NIGHT LIKE TONIGHT, LIKE AROUND 9:00 WHEN YOU KNOW I'M NOT GONNA BE THERE, SO YOU CAN SEE IF GEORGE'S SCREENPLAY REALLY EXISTS.
KEYS ARE IN THE TOP DRAWER.
MM-HMM.
IT'S UNDER THE ADDRESS BOOK.
SO THE STAFF WILL SIT UP WITH YOU IN 4 HOUR SHIFTS, SIR.
I DON'T WANT YOU TO GET TOO EXCITED, BUT PAUL IS GONNA BE TEACHING YOU ORIGAMI.
GIN.
WHAT TIME IS IT? I'M EXHAUSTED.
IT'S, UH, 7:30, SIR.
HEY! I THINK I FOUND IT.
HA.
DONOVAN'S LAST BATTLE.
OOH.
"INTERIOR, A MODEST LIVING UNIT ON THE CLARK-7 SPACEPORT.
" GET THE HA HA.
"A DOOR OPENS.
DONOVAN FAZER ENTERS, FOR THIS IS HIS LIVING UNIT.
" YOU ARE MAKING THAT UP.
WAIT A MINUTE.
OH, MY (IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) "DONOVAN, YOU PROMISED ME THE LAST BATTLE WOULD BE YOUR LAST BATTLE!" (LAUGHS) (IN LOW VOICE) "I GUESS IT WAS ONLY MY SECOND-TO-LAST.
MY BAD!" OHH.
THIS IS UNBELIEVABLE.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING? WHAT ARE YOU DOING? JUST POKING AROUND.
I'VE NEVER BEEN HERE WITHOUT NIKKI BEFORE.
SHE PROBABLY DIDN'T WANT YOU GETTING INTO ANYTHING PERSONAL.
OH, LIKE WHAT? [INHALES SHARPLY.]
OOH.
A "C.
" CONGRATULATIONS.
YOU'VE JUST BROUGHT BACK THE PANTY RAID.
I'LL PUT THIS SCRIPT BACK SO WE CAN GET OUT OF HERE.
AND GO! AH, THE SUMMER OF '78.
WHAT WAS THAT GIRL'S NAME? YOU GOT NIKKI'S UNDERWEAR ALL OVER THE PLACE.
WAIT A MINUTE.
(LAUGHS) THESE ARE GEORGE'S.
SPENCE HAD EXACTLY THE SAME PAIR.
OH, YEAH, DEBBIE ELLIS.
WOW.
WHATCHA DOIN'? JUST SITTING.
UH, WHAT ARE YOU DOING? SITTIN'.
SO, WHAT'S THE PROBLEM? NO PROBLEM.
HEY, UH, YOU DON'T WANT TO GO, OR DO YOU? I COULD SIT.
THAT'S A GREAT BOOK.
I LOVE THAT AUTHOR.
HE ALSO WRITES MYSTERIES.
YOU WOULDN'T KNOW THAT 'CAUSE YOU'RE SLEEPING.
YOU SLEEP WITH YOUR EYES OPEN, DON'T YOU, SIR? SIR, YOU'RE SCARING ME.
MIKE, THE MAYOR'S ASLEEP.
MR.
MAYOR! SORRY, I'M UP.
I'M UP.
I THOUGHT I MADE THIS CLEAR.
I DON'T FEEL COMFORTABLE DISTURBING THE MAYOR.
WHATEVER YOU DO, DON'T WAKE ME UP.
DO WAKE THE MAYOR UP.
DON'T.
DON'T.
DO.
DON'T, DO.
DON'T, DO? DON'T--DON'T, DO.
I'M ON THAT.
OK, WE SHOULD GET STARTED ON A LITTLE DIALOGUE HERE.
I THINK-- OH, NO.
HELLO.
HI.
I'M DR.
BARROW.
MIKE FLAHERTY.
I THOUGHT DR.
PURTZ WAS COMING.
HE'S AT A HIGH SCHOOL GRADUATION.
SON-OF-A-GUN.
HE TOLD ME HE ALREADY GRADUATED HIGH SCHOOL.
SO, WHAT'S THE PROGNOSIS? WELL, I THOUGHT I'D EXAMINE HIM FIRST.
HEY, YOU'RE THE DOCTOR.
HIS PUPILS ARE A LITTLE DILATED.
THAT SOUNDS LIKE SLEEP DEPRIVATION TO ME.
WHY DON'T YOU WRITE THAT DOWN AND WE'LL BE ON OUR WAY? I'LL HANDLE THIS, BOBO.
SO THAT'LL BE OUR LITTLE PET NAME FOR ME? I'M GOING TO GIVE HIM A FULL CHECK-UP.
ALL RIGHT.
WELL, I'M SORRY.
JUST TRYING TO HELP.
I'LL JUST BE ON MY WAY.
NOW, THEN, COULD YOU STRIP DOWN TO YOUR BRIEFS, PLEASE? WELL, WE JUST MET, BUT I'M GAME.
HOPE YOU'RE ALL HAPPY.
THAT'S THE SOUND OF A SINGLE WOMAN.
CONGRATULATIONS? GO AWAY.
AW.
AT LEAST TELL US HOW YOU GOT RID OF HIM.
SCREAMING FIGHT? CHANGED THE LOCKS? OR MY PERSONAL FAVORITE, THE GORILLA GRAM? NO.
I JUST TOLD HIM IT WASN'T WORKING OUT.
I GAVE HIM CAB FARE.
WE HAD SEX ONE MORE TIME.
HE WAS GONE.
YOU KNOW, ANYTIME YOU WANT TO BREAK UP WITH ME YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE TO GIVE ME CAB FARE.
SO, FOR ALL OF YOU WHO LET YOUR IMAGINATIONS RUN WILD AND YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE THE ANSWER IS SIMPLE.
THE MAYOR WAS SUFFERING FROM SLEEP DEPRIVATION.
NEEDLESS TO SAY, HE'S RESTING COMFORTABLY NOW.
SO I HOPE YOU'VE ALL LEARNED A LESSON HERE.
PLAYING DOCTOR SHOULD BE LEFT TO QUALIFIED PROFESSIONALS.
AND OF COURSE, CURIOUS YOUNGSTERS.
NOW, DR.
MARIA BARROW IS GONNA MAKE A STATEMENT.
DOCTOR? GOOD MORNING.
AFTER HAVING EXAMINED THE MAYOR, I'VE DETERMINED THAT HE IS IN EXTRAORDINARILY GOOD HEALTH.
HIS CONDITION WAS A RESULT OF STRESS AND EXCESSIVELY LONG HOURS.
THIS COULD HAPPEN TO ANYONE REGARDLESS OF AGE WHO WORKS AS HARD AS HE DOES.
Sorry.
THANK YOU, DR.
BARROW.
YOU KNOW, MIKE YOU REALLY SHOULD COME UP TO MY OFFICE FOR A CHECK-UP.
I PROMISE I'LL BE VERY VERY GENTLE.
YOU WANT TO WRAP IT UP? OH! OH! UH SOSO THAT'S IT.
AND, UH, THANKS THANKS FOR STOPPING BY.
(ALL SHOUTING) MR.
FLAHERTY! MIKE, THEY DON'T KNOW IT'S OVER TILL YOU LEAVE.
WELL THEY'RE GONNA THEY'RE GONNA HAVE TO TAKE MY WORD FOR IT, PAUL.
THAT'S IT, PEOPLE.
TRUST ME, MIKE, YOU HAVE TO WALK OUT.
PAUL, LET IT GO.
ALL RIGHT, THAT'S IT.
NOTHING TO SEE HERE.
JUST A MAN AND HIS PODIUM.
THANK YOU, DR.
BARROW.
DID YOU ALL SEE THIS VARIETY? LET'S SEE.
OOH.
20-SOMETHING WRITER, GEORGE RUDELL ISN'T THAT YES, IT IS.
GO ON.
BLA BLA--"BIDDING WAR" BLA BLA-- "JEAN-CLAUDE VAN DAMME" BLA BLA-- "7-FIGURE ADVANCE.
" WHOA, 7 FIGURES? YEAH, I'LL SAVE YOU ALL FROM HAVING TO COUNT THAT ON YOUR LITTLE FINGERS.
THAT'S ONE MILLION DOLLARS.
YOU ALL OWE ME A RICH HUSBAND, AND HE'D BETTER HAVE A ROCK-HARD ASS.
WELL, I'D MARRY HER, BUT I'M A LITTLE SHORT ON CASH.
Man: SIT, UBU, SIT.
GOOD DOG.
(BARKING)