Suburgatory (2011) s01e22 Episode Script

Tessa: Once upon of time, somewhere between the Lowery side in the fairy pits of hell, there lived a little town called Chatswin.
Historically, Chatswin was a town that valued its mothers above all else, and so, on the second Sunday of every may (Horse whinnies, hooves clomping) They set out to prove it.
(Fred) Make way for cinderelly! (Whinnies) All hail cinderelly! (Whinnies) (Horse blusters) Happy Mother's Day, Lucille.
Happy Mother's Day, Sheila.
I feel like a princess.
Little much, don't you think? Can't help it if my family loves me more, but $10 well-spent on the self-inflated balloons, Glen.
Glen? Yah! (Horse whinnies) In the past, the town rule seemed to be, if you loved your mother, you'd better be willing to go "full page" to prove it, and this year was no different.
It kinda made me glad I wasn't in the game.
Mother's Day weekend, huh? Yep.
Any feelings about the big day? I'm, uh, more of a Columbus day girl myself.
That's a great joke, Tessa, but sometimes (Sighs) It's healthy to talk things through.
I'm sure, on Mother's Day, you must think about her.
I'm sorry to disappoint you, but I don't.
How about you, me surrogate? Ever think about all those babies you sold and what they're doing on Mother's Day? Ohh.
That's gonna sit in your colon for a decade.
Luckily, there's plenty of room in my colon after that kelp noodle casserole you made last night.
Really freed up some real estate.
(Chuckles) And by that, I mean it gave me loose stool.
(Alih Jay) Last night I had a pleasant nightmare Da-da-da-da, da, da, da, da I'm so glad we went with an "endangered animals" theme for the nursery.
Wow! And the pelts feel great underfoot.
The pelts? Forget about the pelts.
(Chuckles) I cannot believe you found an ivory tusk crib! Mm.
The interior decorator had some of the animals murdered just for this room.
She really went the extra mile.
There are 950 dead snakes on this wall alone.
And the guns Live.
All live.
You know, you don't see that enough in a nursery, not for my taste.
Oh, Noah.
I can't wait for this baby to get here.
I can't wait for our night nurse to get here.
You know I feel uncomfortable having intercourse during the last trimester.
(Strained voice) I know.
I just thought, since you weren't actually carrying the baby Ohh.
I may not be carrying the baby here, but I most certainly am carrying it here.
(Chuckles) (Taps foot) (George) Whatcha doin'? Playing the baby some audio from "Occupy Wall Street.
" (Chuckles) And and where does he land? With any luck, left of Chatswin.
(Chuckles) Are you are you excited about this baby shower tomorrow? If, by "excited," you mean "filled with an impending sense of dread," then yes, very.
I am fascinated by this side of you.
You've gone dark on me.
(Whispers) I'm not myself.
(Normal voice) I'm irritable Mm.
- And pent up.
- Sure.
Okay.
You wanna go for a jog? No.
(Chuckles) You wanna grab some lunch? Nope.
I wanna grab something else.
(Chuckles) Really? Mm-hmm.
I-I feel like we've waited so long.
I mean, it's your last trimester.
Are you sure it's not dangerous? (Whispers) It's gonna be dangerous for you if we don't.
It means a lot to your mom, you coming home for the shower.
Uh-huh.
Hey, did she tell you we're trying to steal Carmen back from the Royces? Wouldn't that be funny? The same nanny that raised you could raise your little hermano.
You know what would be even funnier? If you and mom raised your own kid.
That'd be hilarious.
Why do you guys need Carmen? Why does anyone need Carmen? (Chuckles) Because she's amazingly helpful.
Because Carmen can easily do things that exasperate most white people.
Well, I hope I grow up to be like Carmen.
(Chuckles) Oh.
Yeah.
You won't.
(Sighs) Are you just not attracted to me because I'm pregnant? I'm very attracted to you.
But what? Just not when I'm naked? Because of the big belly? No.
- Is it because of the veins? - What? Is it because of my throbbing, blue spider veins? They're from the pregnancy.
Oh.
Oh.
So normally you're less veiny? No.
That's not it.
(Sighs) Then what, George? (Sighs) I couldn't stop thinking about what Noah said, about how I was gonna give the kid an accidental tracheotomy.
You know what? Why don't you stop worrying about Noah's kid and start worrying about your own? What what's that supposed to mean? This morning, I broached the whole mom issue with Tessa.
What whole "mom issue"? I think she's in denial.
I think you both are.
O-okay.
Eden, please.
I've I've talked to Tessa about this, and she's fine, okay? She she told me outright that she can't miss what she never knew.
She's gotta feel something Angry, hurt Unless you people are some kind of different species out here.
I mean, you can't have your mom check out and feel absolutely nothing! Eden, you are smart and intuitive and wonderful, but you're wrong.
In this case, you're wrong.
I know my kid, and I'm not gonna force her to pick at a scab that isn't there.
She's okay.
Okay? (Sighs) Okay.
Okay.
Come here.
(Inhales deeply) Mm.
Why aren't you hugging me back? (Sighs) In this box, my secret weapon for the Mother's Day 5k tomorrow.
Whoa! They'd better watch their backs, 'cause I ran track in college.
You must win the 5k every year in these babies.
Actually, this is the first time I'll be in town to compete.
Steven used to always take us away for Mother's Day To Israel.
Israel? Oh, my gosh, yes.
Every person should make the pilgrimage to Israel, and not just for the Dead Sea wraps, but also for the fusion cuisine.
(Bells jingle) Mommy, where's my passport? Your passport? For Israel.
Duh.
Daddy didn't want to ruin my Mother's Day by spoiling the tradition.
(Chuckles) But, Dalia, it's Mother's Day.
I rented a poolside cabana for us at the club.
I was gonna run the 5k, and you were gonna cheer for me.
So you want me to cancel? No.
Never mind.
I'm sure the two of you will have a great time.
Happy Mother's Day.
Thanks.
I'll eat a kebab for you.
(Bells jingle) I'm sorry, Dallas.
(Door closes) Oh, don't be silly.
It's fine.
You know, that's one thing I admire in Dalia.
She puts her own happiness before everyone else's.
Yeah, that's Real admirable.
You know what? I'm gonna run that 5k, and when I win, I'll be celebrating in my poolside cabana with a big ol' Denver omelet to keep me company.
A Denver omelet might actually be better company.
Especially if it has fresh mozzarella.
Mmm.
Love that.
(Chuckles) Then after I buff away her callouses, I will dump the water, dispose of the hardened skin shavings, and present her with my gift.
Viscose moisturizing socks.
Boom! Can't be beat.
(Chuckles) Lisa.
Lisa was still awaiting test results that would prove her mother was not her mother.
Until then, celebrating the day seemed pointless.
I'm gonna hold off this year.
What does that mean? Does your mother "hold off" when your clothes need laundering? Did she "hold off" during your latest bout of pinworm? I'm waiting for some very important paperwork.
(Sighs) What kind of paperwork? You didn't name a star after her, did you? 'Cause people hate that.
Not all people hate that.
Lisa, I have a present plan that is big enough to be from both of us, so it will be from both of us.
You can reimburse me later.
You know how your mother's favorite recording artist is - James Ingram.
- Yes.
So I have planned an entire day to his song "One hundred ways," and believe me, I have found each and every one of them.
When we get to 98, I would appreciate you kids closing your doors.
Okay, gang.
Just want to make sure my pit crew is prepared for the race tomorrow.
- Fred, Dixie cups You on it? - I'm on it.
And don't overfill 'em, Fred.
I just need a mouthful.
- Probably gonna be a swish and spit.
- Swish and spit.
Probably won't swallow.
Whatever you're comfortable with.
It's not about me.
Ryan, potassium I'm gonna need it as soon as I come across that finish line.
Potassium check.
Lisa, medic That means ace bandages, antiseptic wash, and a pint of my blood from the downstairs freezer just in case.
You bank blood in the downstairs freezer? Every day at approximately 3:45, the mail came, and with it came the hope that I'd get good news about the internship I applied for.
An acceptance letter from "The Village Voice" would mean a way out of Chatswin and a break from the misery of living with George and Eden.
(Bag thuds) When I was little, I used to tell people I was gonna be in destiny's child.
When you're little, you don't have a sense of what's realistic.
Is that the mail? No, it's, uh, (Laughs) Of course it's the mail.
(Laughs) (Gasps) This is it! This is for me! Lisa was hoping this letter would prove that she wasn't who they said she was.
I just don't understand it.
I felt it in my bones.
Well, your bones were wrong.
How do you explain the adoption video that I found? Maybe they were gonna adopt and then they got pregnant.
(Whispers) I know that I'm adopted.
According to the D.
N.
A.
results, Lisa, you're not, but you can still grow up to be whoever you want to be.
Exactly, and for the record, it's not the worst thing in the world that your parents are your parents.
I mean, they may not be perfect, but they really love you.
Do you have any idea how ignorant you sound right now? In Spain, they have the running of the bulls.
Here Get ready to run, you mothers! While the mothers of Chatswin ran for their lives, we had tickets to a three-ring circus Watch your step, everyone.
The cheetah droppings are phenomenal.
The werners' baby shower.
Hey, there she is.
Jill! Oh.
Hey.
Congratulations.
Hello in there.
Hello, my love.
Can you say "mommy"? Can you say "mommy Jill Werner"? He can't.
(Gasps) Oh.
Who's got your nose? Mommy's got your nose.
I think he loves when I do that.
You think? George, she looks magnificent.
You have been taking excellent care of her.
Well, been trying.
Although I can't imagine what's going to happen after the baby is born.
She's just gonna shrivel up into a big pile of ash.
- I'm gonna go get some food.
- I'm gonna join you.
(Chuckles) Eden, wait.
Darling, I want to show you the nursery, and I want to introduce you to the Coen brothers.
They're going to be filming the birth.
The Coen brothers? Hey, George.
Eden.
Hi, Noah.
Oh, darling, would you please put the animals in the cage so people can eat without them jumping up on the food? On it.
Come on now! Yah! Yah! Yah! Whee! Whee! Yah! (Cheering) Come on, Sheila.
Oh, no.
No, no.
No, no, no, no.
No, not you! (Grunts) Not you.
(Panting) Ohh.
Ohh.
You've gotta be kidding me, Fred! Ohh! Sh-Sheila.
Oh, God.
Ohh.
Ohh.
(Water dripping) Ohh.
Sheila.
Sheila.
Sheila.
Sheila.
Sheila.
Sheila.
Sheila.
(Pants) Ohh.
(Squeaks) Ohh.
I love you! Aah! My ankle! (Crowd gasps) (Woman) Dallas! Nice hustle out there, fellas.
(Siren wailing in distance) (Groaning) Any family we should call? No.
(Sighs) A close friend, maybe, who could pick you up from the hospital? How's my hair? Fantastic.
Then call George Altman.
What was that? I said Carmen.
Call Carmen.
(Ryan) Let's go, mom! Win! (Mr.
Wolfe) Run, ladies! Run! - Come on! - Let's go, mom! Win! Yeah! Come on, mom! (Exhales deeply) Aah! (Laughing) Ohh! Oh! (Laughs) Yeah! Yeah.
Oh.
Mmm.
Mmm.
Oh.
Ohh.
(Mouth full) Your father screwed the pooch mm.
Yes! But I won anyway! You sure did, mom! (Laughing) Happy Mother's Day! Mm.
Mmm.
Ohh.
Mm.
Mm.
(Indistinct conversations) (Lowered voice) I just think it's a sad statement when a kid decides to spend Mother's Day with her father.
(Lowered voice) Mm.
What's that about? (Chuckles) (Mouth full) You don't know our situation.
Relax, hon.
We're talking about Dallas Royce.
(Spits) Hey, Tess.
You all right? It's just cucumber and cream cheese? I mean, why? - Not a big fan, huh? - No.
(Jill) George, come quick.
It's Eden.
- Okay, uh - Do you want No, you stay here.
Aah! George! (Jill sighs) Eden, you okay? (Voice breaks) Look at this place.
(Sighs) They're monsters! What kind of a child are they gonna raise in here? There's a club over by that stuffed seal.
This? This is a personalized mahogany Louisville slugger But I suppose you could.
(Strained voice) Oh, no.
No! This feels like labor.
I shouldn't be in labor.
I'm not due for weeks.
Okay, we we should get you to the hospital - and get you checked out.
- I'm a professional! I haven't had a single complication in any of my pregnancies until (Inhales deeply and whispers) Until Until what? Until Chatswin! (Sighs) Eden's feeling some mild discomfort.
(Inhales deeply) Aah! We're we're gonna go to the hospital to check it out.
(Grunts and inhales deeply) (Keys jangle) Meet us there? (Exhales deeply and grunts) (George and Tessa) Okay.
(Grunts) Oh.
Thank you, Tess.
(Panting) It's gonna be okay, dad.
- I'll see you guys there.
- Okay.
Okay, I'm gonna meet you at the ambulance, all right? George, I'm coming with you.
Dude, I know you want to, but you and Jill stress Eden out.
Eden? My baby is in there.
You are high as a kite if you think that I'm just gonna sit home and cross my fingers and hope that everything turns out okay.
Could you do that? Okay, follow, dude.
Follow in your car, but keep a safe distance.
I've been keeping a safe distance, dude.
Look where it got us.
(Violins playing "One hundred ways") What's all this, Fred? (Gasps) if it's violins she loves Let them play hey, hey I'm gonna go put your blood in the downstairs freezer.
Dedicate her favorite song I'll be in my room.
And hold her closer all night long love her today find one hundred ways - James? - Sheila? (Music stops) What are you doing here? Your husband hired me.
What a coincidence.
I just didn't think I'd ever see you again.
(Gulps) So how you been? Uh I-I-I've been great.
(Stammers) You look good (Whispers) With your fine ass.
Thanks, Jimmy.
(Chuckles) Uh, o-okay.
I'm confused.
I-I thought James Ingram was your favorite soul recording artist.
He is And we dated briefly, before you and I met.
Okay.
You dated James Ingram? How did I not know this?! I think we should go.
(Milo Greene's "1957" playing) James Ingram wasn't the only secret Sheila had been keeping.
Oh-oh, oh-oh Oh-oh, oh-oh, oh, oh Oh-oh, oh-oh O-positive? That's technically impossible.
Oh, oh It's not me.
It's him.
Takes me away Takes me away Hey.
Everything okay? Yeah.
False labor.
And the baby? Will be fine.
(Sighs) Hey, why didn't you tell me about the internship? What? You didn't get the internship at "The Village Voice.
" The rejection letter fell out of your coat pocket.
That's how I know.
Oh.
Well, I guess I forgot.
Are old and chipping You must be pretty bummed.
No.
No? Disappointed? (Chuckles) Not really.
I'll find something else.
You know me.
Takes me away Do I? Ojo del pies! What? Carmen? (Panting) Miss Dallas in the golden sneakers (Voice breaks) She broke the eye of her foot! Okay.
It's gonna be okay.
Everything is gonna be okay.
(Sighs) Ay, mentirosa! I-I'm I'm coming with you.
I'm just - Tessa (Sighs) - Mr.
Altman? - Yeah.
- Eden's asking for you.
She's not being honest with me, is she? I have no idea.
I've never met either one of you.
(Whispers) Right.
(Sighs) Hey.
Dallas.
Wake up.
Yakult? Is that you? Oh, it's me, all right.
The question is, Dallas, is that you? Yakult, so cryptic.
What the hell were you trying to prove out there today, girl? That I'm fast and that I'm strong and that I don't need anybody but myself.
You crazy? You need that girl as much as she needs you.
Who? Tessa? Bitch, ain't nobody talkin' 'bout Tessa.
(Door opens) (Gasps and whispers) Tessa.
(Normal voice) I'm so glad you're here.
Can you do me a favor? Mm-hmm.
Will you call Dalia for me and tell her to come back home? Okay.
Do you want me to sit with you for a while? I should've made her stay.
(Sighs) (Lowered voice) El Percocet.
Dallas wanted to see her daughter, and I don't know why that hurt my feelings, but it did.
They say a tree is known by its fruit.
(Lykke Li's "Possibility" playing) Before we moved here, I swear, I never thought about her (Speaks inaudibly) There's a possibility but Mother's Day in Chatswin made one thing painfully clear There's a possibility the feeling was mutual.
My mom never thought about me, either.
All that I had was all I'm gonna get mm-mm-mm-mm there's a possibility there's a possibility (woman) Tessa? I recognized her face from the photos My mother's mother.
Is gonna be yours then all I'm gonna get is gonna be yours still so tell me when you hear my heart stop She was looking at the grandchild she never knew You're the only one But me? I was looking at a way out.
Tell me when you hear my silence Mm-mm-mm mm-mm-mm-mm