The Addams Family (1964) s01e22 Episode Script

They're creepy and they're kooky Mysterious and spooky They're altogether ooky The Addams family The house is a museum When people come to see 'em They really are a scream The Addams family MAN: Neat.
Sweet.
Petite.
So get a witch's shawl on A broomstick you can crawl on We're gonna pay a call on The Addams family Good morning, Cleopatra.
Here you are, darling.
Don't gulp.
Querida.
Darling.
Did you enjoy your breakfast? - Truly delectable.
- I'm glad.
I spent the whole morning gathering toadstools for your omelette.
Allow me to express my appreciation with this new policy on my life, with you as sole beneficiary.
How thoughtful, darling.
A million dollars.
What a nice round figure, bubele.
Tish, you know what you do when you call me bubele.
Darling, you've just had breakfast.
You're right.
There's a nice round double indemnity clause in that policy.
Really? Sounds lovely.
What does it mean? In case of accident you get twice the amount.
I trust that won't put ideas in your head.
Gomez! Merely a jest, my dear.
I'm afraid I shall favor you with my presence for an exasperatingly long time with my new physical fitness program.
Darling, where did you get the Indian clubs? Where does anyone get old Indian clubs? From an old Indian.
Darling! Are you hurt? Gomez, are you all right? - Who's Gomez? - You are.
- Bubele.
- What's a bubele? This is dreadful.
Has your memory been destroyed? I don't know.
I don't remember.
Oh, my poor darling.
Please.
I don't believe we've met.
Gomez, I'm Morticia, your wife.
- I'm married? - Of course.
- To you? - Yes.
Why are you wearing black? Darling, I always wear black.
You said it was so becoming.
I did? Are you sure we're married? Well, of Look, here's the insurance policy you bought for me, see? A million dollars.
Well, I'm glad I have money.
Here, darling, let me help you up.
There.
Now, your name is Gomez Addams.
And you've just had your breakfast.
And you're in your very own home.
Very depressing.
You don't like it? It looks like a museum that's been condemned.
Oh, dear.
I must do something to restore your mind.
I was right! The house is falling.
You rang? - What's that? - That's our butler, Lurch.
Is it real or do you wind it up? Gomez! Mr.
Addams seems to have lost his memory, Lurch.
Perhaps a nice, hot cup of henbane? Henbane! Just give me a glass of milk.
Milk? From a cow? There's no need to go that far.
Moose milk will do.
Never mind.
Just tell your gargoyle to take off.
He makes me nervous.
Gomez, you hurt Lurch's feelings.
Perhaps a nice visit with the children would soothe you.
Children? What children? Our children, dear.
Madam, are you suggesting - that we've been more than friends? - Gomez, we're married.
Oh, I forgot.
Come along, dear.
Children, say hello to your father.
- Hello, Father.
- Hello, Father.
How do you do? Go right ahead with your playing.
We don't want to disturb you.
Surely you recognize your own offspring? No, but the girl does resemble you.
And Pugsley is the image of you.
- He is? - Naturally.
Look in the mirror.
I'm afraid.
What the devil is that? That's Lucifer, my pet.
He's nice and slippery.
I'm going to get you a lovely, golden-haired doll that says "mama.
" But what have I done? - Nothing.
- Then why are you punishing me? I'm not punishing you.
I just want you to get rid of that ghastly bug.
Yes, yes, dear.
Pugsley, why don't you show your father what you can do with the trains.
Watch this, Father.
Swell wreck, wasn't it? Swell wreck? The boy needs help.
Until you pay for those trains, I am cutting off your allowance.
But I don't get any allowance.
Starting today, you'll get an allowance so I can cut it off.
There's a touch of madness around here.
Children, your father isn't himself.
And until he gets better we're just going to have to humor him.
- We understand.
- Father's flipped! Pugsley! I'm afraid you're right.
- Why do you keep staring at me? - Doesn't everyone? I'm so glad to see you and Uncle Fester having such a nice chat.
Uncle Fester.
From your side of the family, I hope.
You'll have to excuse him, Uncle Fester.
He's had a lapse of memory.
And a bad shock.
Several bad shocks.
What he needs is a good workout in the playroom.
A half an hour on the bed of nails and you'll be in as good a shape as I am.
Now I'm worried.
Come along, darling.
It might do you some good.
Come along.
This is the playroom? Of course.
A place of joy and laughter.
- He's not laughing.
- Lurch holds his laughter inside.
Let it out, Lurch.
Put it back, Lurch.
How's your headache, Uncle Fester? A couple more turns ought to do it.
Darling, you've always loved this room.
Don't you like it now? It has its points.
Well, this is an interesting old woodcarving.
- Me, a woodcarving? - It's alive! Mama, he's had a lapse of memory.
I'm thinking of putting him on the rack.
Good idea.
A few twists might straighten him out.
A few twists? Yes, darling.
You see, we tie your hands and your feet and then Lurch turns the crank.
- And that will make me better? - And taller, too.
You're trying to kill me.
- Oh, no, darling.
- Get that double indemnity No, no, no.
You're dearer to me than all the bats in all the caves in the world.
Now trust me, Gomez.
All right.
But I'm not going on that rack.
All right, darling, you don't have to.
Perhaps if you took part in some simple household routine, it would do more to bring your memory back.
I have it.
Would you like to help me feed the plants? - Yes, that sounds harmless enough.
- All right.
- Mama, would you care to join us? - No, I can't.
I have to stay in the stock another hour.
It's my beauty treatment.
Better make that two hours.
- Go ahead, darling, feed her.
- With hamburgers? What else? Go on.
- That thing tried to eat me.
- Nonsense.
Humans give her terrible heartburn.
Show Father how much you love him, Cleopatra.
It's choking me.
Nonsense.
She's embracing you.
You're trying to kill me! To get that insurance money.
Oh, Cleopatra.
I know, darling.
I know how it feels to be scorned.
You must believe me, Gomez.
I would no more harm you than a vulture in its nest.
Vultures! Are they circling already? Of course not, bubele.
Don't call me that ridiculous name.
It used to thrill you.
It would turn you into a fiery furnace of affection.
Impossible.
Let's recapture those mad moments, Gomez.
Kiss my arm.
Your arm? Darling, I'm yours.
From shoulder to knuckle.
Isn't that rather unsanitary? I must awaken you, Gomez.
And I will.
Not in that absurd outfit.
- Darling - No offense, but something must be done about your clothes.
- Just your type.
- Oh, no, Gomez, please.
He's sicker than I thought.
You don't like my presents? Oh, darling, of course.
I always love your presents.
It's just that they're so expensive.
Well, certainly they're expensive.
But it's worth it to see my wife dressed properly.
Son, why don't you go lie down for a while? You're not well.
Nonsense! Never felt better in my life.
I shopped like mad.
Beautiful, isn't it? I think I better go lie down.
They're all so lovely.
I don't know which to try on first.
Well, perhaps I have overdone it a bit.
Yes.
I need time to absorb your generosity and to think about it.
Lurch, would you put these things upstairs in my room? I'll try them on later.
Darling, why don't you relax? It's not very easy to relax around here.
Well, of course it is.
Stand on your head.
He's even talking of chopping down my beautiful African strangler.
Kill Cleopatra? - That's murder! - Father wouldn't do that.
Your father's ill, dear.
He doesn't know what he's saying.
I just don't know what to do.
I'd hoped one of you might have a suggestion.
How about a little heat therapy? That might snap him out of it.
I could boil some oil and dip his head in it.
No, no, you did that for his migraine, remember? It just made him hotheaded.
Yes, Thing.
What is it? Do you have an idea? Oh, no, no.
I read about that, too, but I couldn't do it, I just couldn't.
Do what? It's here, in Grandpa Squint's old medical book.
I marked it.
See? "When amnesia is caused by a blow on the head, "it can sometimes be cured by giving the victim a similar blow.
" But I could never do that to Gomez.
We'll just have to wait and hope that he comes to his senses before he destroys our beautiful way of life.
I never thought anyone in this family'd go nutty.
Well, maybe he'll be better when we get back, honey.
I'm taking the children to the movies to see The Batwoman From Outer Space.
- They love those true-life stories.
- Lovely, Mama.
Children, you run along now.
But take the back door and don't disturb your dear father.
- Oh, goody, goody.
- Oh, goody, goody.
FESTER: Morticia can't do it, huh? If it'll make Gomez well, I can do it.
I love that boy but I'll clobber him.
Well, hello there, Fester.
- Didn't hear you come in.
- I sneaked in.
Must have dozed off.
Fell out of the chair.
- How do you feel? - Fine.
Never felt better in my life.
You're looking mighty good today.
Handsome as usual.
- Where's Morticia? - I'll call her.
Morticia! Morticia! Oh, Gomez, darling, I was going to try on these dresses but I didn't know which one you wanted to see first.
Great jumping catfish! Where did you find those monstrosities? - Find them? But - Never mind where they came from.
Put them back, cara mia.
Please.
Oh, yes, Gomez, darling, yes, I will.
- I'm so happy.
- Querida mía.
- I'll be right back down.
- Cara.
LURCH: It's for his own good.
Gomez, darling.
I thought I'd bring these things all downstairs and then call a junkman to come and get them.
Junkman? For your new clothes? Well, since you've told me to get rid of them, I thought No, no, my dear.
I said get rid of that horrible black thing.
- But, bubele? - Not bubele.
Very well, Mr.
Addams.
GOMEZ: I Perhaps, I'm too strict with you, my dear.
After all, you are my wife.
Yes, and it isn't easy.
So you may call me "honey bun.
" Or "doll boy.
" MORTICIA: Doll boy.
Oh, he is sick.
Now run upstairs and get rid of that black thing and put on some proper clothing.
If this goes on much longer, the proper clothing for me will be a straitjacket.
Very well doll boy.
(WHISPERS) Doesn't seem a bit better, does he? You children go play.
I've got things to do.
You mean hit my own father with an Indian club? - It's for his own good.
- Then you do it.
- He might get mad at me.
- He might get mad at me, too.
But while Father is ill, you're the head of the family.
Hand me that club.
Gomez darling, you don't know what it means to me to have you well again.
Well? I'm always well when I'm with you, cara mia.
Later, darling, later.
Later.
Right now, I'm starved.
Anything your heart desires.
How about some of that nice baked iguana? Capital! An iguana sandwich and a steaming cup of pinecone nectar.
Darling, you go right over here and you sit down and make yourself comfortable.
I want to fix it myself.
Querida.
There he is.
In the chair.
- What if he sees us? - I'll take care of that.
- Hello, Father.
- Hello there.
- I have a surprise for you.
- Good, I love surprises.
- Close your eyes.
- All right.
- Keep them closed real tight.
- I will.
I'm sorry it took so long, darling.
But I wanted everything to be just so.
- Is there something wrong? - I just had a dizzy spell or something.
Well, this will fix you up.
- What's that? - Why, it's your lunch, darling.
Baked iguana and pinecone nectar.
Good heavens! Of all the nauseating-Iooking concoctions.
- Are you trying to poison me? - Darling, don't even Oh, no, you're sick again.
Now what am I going to do? Well, for one thing, you could bring me some decent food.
A hot dog with chili on it, a bottle of orange pop, and a slab of apple pie with cheese.
Oh, Gomez! That's all it says, Uncle Fester.
"A blow on the head.
" You must have done it incorrectly.
You know, I thought I did it real good.
He seemed well after I belted him.
He was for a while, but it just didn't last.
There's only one thing left to do.
Oh, boy! Hit him again.
This time I'll belt him No, Uncle Fester, this time I'll do it.
But I'll need your help.
I'll hold him for you.
I can't do it.
I can't bear the look on his face when I hit him.
- Should I put a sack over his head? - No.
No, I have a much better idea.
You know those long drapes in the living room? Sure.
You tell him that you're playing a game with the children and then get him to hide behind them out of sight.
Oh, boy, this sounds like fun! That way I can give him the club treatment without looking at his dear, sweet face.
There he is.
I'll get him behind the drapes, then you conk him good.
- I hope it works this time.
- So do I.
His poor head must be getting lumpy.
Yeah, but on him it looks good.
Hi, Gomez.
I've been looking all over for you.
The children and I are gonna play hide-and-seek.
- Would you care to join us? - I'm busy.
Come on, Gomez, you need the relaxation.
- All right, all right.
- Come on.
Come on.
- I'll play.
- Good.
Now we'll hide over there behind the drapes.
They'll never find us.
Come on, now, you take this side.
Over here, like that.
And I'll get in here.
- Are you ready, Gomez? - GOMEZ: Ready.
FESTER: We're ready! Darling, forgive me.
- What in the world did you do to Fester? - Gomez! I thought it was you! Me? You thought I was right.
You are trying to kill me.
No, darling, I'm only trying to make you well.
- With a club? - Yes! - You want that insurance money.
- No! You won't get me! I'm getting out of here! My poor, battered, wounded love.
Speak to me.
Ah, querida.
Darling, you're well at last.
Bubele.
A little harder, Thing.
That's it.
Nothing takes the knots off a man's head like sandpaper.
Dear Thing.
He has such a gentle touch.
That fire smells good.
What are we burning? Your Indian clubs.
If I did half the things you said I did, I must have been a sick, sick man.
Thanks to you, cara mia, I'm all well now.
You really should thank Uncle Fester, dear.
Thank you, Fester.
Who's Fester? Oh, no.