The Drew Carey Show (1995) s01e22 Episode Script

(Bell on phone)
'Carey, what did the memo
I gave you say?'
Uh, it says "All annual reports
go directly
to Mr. Bell's office."
(Bell on phone)
'And the one you distributed
to the entire store?'
[clears throat]
"All anal reports go directly
into Mr. Bell's orifice."
But I'm sure
it's just a typo, sir.
(Bell on phone)
'And the CC.'
Okay, so the CC
to The Big Jackass
probably is not a typo,
but I'm telling you..
I am telling you, buddy
it's a mistake,
it was just all a big mistake.
(Bell on phone)
'No, I'm telling you'
'I want every single copy
that went out'
[dial tone]
Do you have any white-out, sir?
(Bell)
'I want some respect
around here'
'and I'll get it,
if I had to talk'
'everyone of you malcontents
out on your ear.'
Problems with the boss
this morning, dip wad?
It was you, wasn't it?
Oh, my God, I send out a memo
about employees
slacking off in the bathroom.
Holy cow!
Oh, is it the one
with the picture of you
it's anatomically correct,
I left it blank.
No, Mr. Bell accidently threw
out a confidential memo on me.
- I'm in the loop!
- What does it say?
Oh, my God! Some Dutch company
is gonna buy the store.
Why would they wanna do that?
Business is lousy.
That's exactly why they do it.
These foreign companies buy up
failing businesses,
and they tear 'em down
to put up shopping malls
and make millions.
What will happen to us?
Well, you and me personally?
We're gonna go through eternity
locked in a death grip
like Popeye and Bluto.
The rest of the story
gets laid off.
Crap! This is the best job
I ever had.
Well, just don't tell anybody
we don't wanna
start a panicyet.
Yeah, you're right.
Did you hear,
the Dutch are buying the store
and they're gonna close it.
Oh, hey, Kate, ready for lunch?
Didn't you hear?
The store's in Dutch,
they may have to sell it.
What did she say?
She said the yogurt
in the cafeteria
is Dutch chocolate.
Oh!
Hey, Oswald,
I'm gonna get my coat
where are we going for lunch?
I don't know,
but Starsky and Hutch
are in the cafeteria.
Are you kidding?
Oh, my God!
- Does Drew know?
- I don't know.
Drew, did you hear?
The Dutch are buying the store,
and they are gonna close it.
That's old news,
Starsky and Hutch
are in the cafeteria.
Come on, let's go!
[theme music]
Moon over Parma ♪
Bring my love to me tonight ♪
Guide her to Cleveland
underneath your silvery light ♪
We're going bowlin'
so don't loose her in Solon ♪
Moon over Parma tonight ♪♪
[instrumental music]
Yes, I know you don't have
a head of personnel
that's why I'm talking to you.
I wanna be
the head of personnel.
So, uh, who does your hiring?
The head of personnel.
Let me guess,
you don't have one.
Give me the manager.
You know, my first act as
a head of personnel is gonna be
to fire this guy.
[laughs]
Don't you think you should just
fax these people your resume?
Oh, Lisa, I balance
my desk with people's resumes.
I mean, I did that,
but it's also good
to have some personal contact.
Um, you know, you've been
so busy looking for work
we haven't had much time
for personal contact.
Look, you already have
some good job offers
it's easy for you
to be horny.
Um-hmm.
No, not you, sir.
Yeah, I was calling regarding
the head of personnel.
Yes, I know you don't have
a head of personnel.
Wait a second,
you didn't transfer me
you're that same jerk.
Wait till the Dutch come calling
then the wooden shoe's
on the other foot.
Your fun manners
are impeccable, Drew.
I think a Xerox of your ass
would be a nice follow-up.
I have one on a file from '82
but my ass has done
so much more since then.
[Lisa laughs]
There's nothing
on the news about
the big Dutch buyout, Drew?
If something were going on
don't you think
we'd hear about it?
I don't know, they're sly ones,
the Dutch.
Hmm.
Ever noticed that sometimes they
call their country Holland
and then other times
it's the Netherlands?
And who were they
hiding from, huh?
- People like you, my friend.
- Yeah.
You know, the Dutch are more in
this country than the Japanese?
But you never hear about 'em
because they sneak in unnoticed.
In factone of us
could be Dutch
and you wouldn't even know it.
Alright, I confess,
I'm a Dutchman
but only 10%,
and I think the 50%
of me that's German
already stomped it out.
First they buy up our country,
then they ruin my life.
I'd like to tell them
a thing or two
those Gouda eating,
tulip sucking
something century
dominated clog heads!
They can kiss
my fine white Netherlands.
That's what they can do.
[door opens]
- Hey.
- Hey, Kate!
How's your job hunting going?
Oh, I've been offered
several executive positions
but I can't decide
where I wanna work more
the fryer, the griller
or the window.
- 'Oh.'
- Yeah.
There just aren't there many
sales jobs in the nicer stores.
You know, I have three
ex-salesmen hauling boxes for me
and my moving company right now.
Hmm, room for one more,
pumpkin pants?
Let me see your hands.
What, you don't think
I'm tough enough?
No, I just wanna hold your hands
so you can't hit me
when I tell you no.
- Oh!
- No, honey. No!
No, you don't wanna work
in a moving company
it's a step back.
- Aww!
- Oh!
- See you.
- You said no first.
Would you guys calm down?
Just because the Dutch
bought the store
doesn't mean
they're gonna close it.
Yeah, but I've seen it happen
too many times.
So I don't wanna get caught
with my pants down.
Nobody wants that, Drew.
(Drew)
'You know, this is ridiculous'
I have been all day on the phone
trying to find a job
at another department store.
I don't wanna start
back at the bottom just
to work my way back up
to the top of the bottom.
Hey, I just hauled a bunch
of boxes over at the I-X Center
you know they're having
a small business expo there.
You guys should check that out.
(Drew)
'Hey, that's a great idea.'
Hello? Oh, what?
Head of personnel?
That's great.
For what salary?
Oh, that's wonderful.
Uh, what's the location?
Moronville?
You're the same jerk!
[instrumental music]
It's pitch-black,
and it's the only place
in this crazy world
where you can truly be alone
with your thoughts.
I gotta try this.
Why can't you just close
the doors on a porter potty?
What's the difference?
Aah!
What year is it?
Oh, my God, Lewis, you've aged.
You look so grotesque!
You were only in there
a second, you idiot!
Oh, gee, I forgot
to turn the oxygen on again.
Well, I'm sure sometimes
when you were a kid
you forgot to take
your lunch to school.
Nope, uh, sometimes
I forgot to get dressed
but I never forgot my lunch.
Well, I'm sure you remember
how much more fun it was to play
at recess, than to eat
your school lunch.
Boy, you're talkin'
French here, lady.
Well, kids love the idea
of lunch in a helium balloon.
It's fun.
And it could keep your
child from drowning.
Hey, is that cake
in the balloon over there?
Oh, hey, look!
It's the Hinton burger.
I had a "Mission Impossible"
lunchbox.
I always wanted
to be the strong man.
[balloon bursts]
Drew, did you bite
that balloon?
[squeaky voice]
No, and I resent the allegation.
- Hey, Drew.
- Hey.
My favorite was the rocket
that shoots garbage into orbit.
Great slogan,
"Shit your crap into space."
Hey, looser,
and friends of the looser
who are losers by association.
Hey, Mimi,
what are you doin' here?
Or do you qualify
as a small business?
Found another memo.
There's only two more weeks
before there's tulips
on the desks
and prostitutes in the windows.
Oh, man! I thought
I had more time.
Hey! Is that cake
in that balloon?
What am I gonna do here?
Bartender! The usual.
Are you guys interested in
startin' your own business
or you're just suckin' up
my samples?
- Sorry, it's just great beer.
- Yeah.
- Really is good.
- Yeah.
So, uh, what did you do, brew
these in these little tanks
here? How much does
one of these things cost?
I could start you up with little
small barrels back there.
They cost you 'bout a 100 bucks.
Boy, brewin' your own beer, huh?
Beer, beer, beer.
Hey, we like beer.
- Hmm.
- 'Yeah.'
- Everybody likes beer.
- 'Yeah.'
You guys thinkin'
what I'm thinkin'?
Yeah, let's get as much up
this guy as we can
and get the hell out of here.
You know microbrewing's
a big thing right now.
I mean, we all drink
Great Lakes beer
that started out
in somebody's house.
You know, if we can pull this
off, it can support all of us.
Hey, here's my 100 bucks.
I'm startin' a business.
Yeah, well that just about
cover your tap.
Now those barrels back there
are just for perfecting
a flavor of a beer.
Now if you wanna brew beer
for profit
you're gonna need one of
these big babies back here.
(all)
Whoa!
- That's about 15,000.
- Oh.
If we had 15,000,
we could all retire.
You know, uh, $15,000
doesn't sound so bad
you know for startin'
a business.
I mean, if we all pitched
in a little something
I could, I could take out
a loan on my house.
Drew, you can't lose that house.
You said
it's the only place
where you can go
to the bathroom.
Shh.
Yeah, you've worked
your whole life to build up
equity in that house.
You're gonna risk
it all for beer?
Ooh, is your mother
gonna slap you.
Look, I-I'm tired of
playin' it safe.
If I wanna have my own business,
I wanna take a risk.
I see you found
the lunch table.
[squeaky voice]
Bite me, doughboy.
[instrumental music]
[instrumental music]
Okay, everyone take a sip
and tell me what you think
the flavor is?
- Tingling.
- Uh, burning.
- Fire.
- Yes.
It's Tabasco beer.
I call it Tabeersco.
Oswald, nobody's gonna
buy a beer
that sets your mouth on fire.
I know.
- Water.
- Water.
We'll make our money
on the water.
Oh, I'm gonna lose my house.
- No, you're not.
- No.
Hey, hey, I've got it.
Tidy Beer. Huh?
It's blue, and when you throw
up, it cleans the toilet.
- I'm gonna lose my house.
- No, you're not.
No, Drew, you're not gonna
loose your house
we're all in this together and
I have a great marketing idea.
Jay's gonna be the spokesmodel.
- He is?
- 'Yeah.'
I went to a bunch of bars
and asked the guys
if they'd buy beer
with a man on the label?
Lot of them weren't sure,
but then I went to one bar
all the guys said yes.
- Hey, baby.
- Hi.
- 'Hey.'
- Hi.
Alright, I've got it,
now I'm not a marketing genius
but I've come up
with a container for our beer.
Now what is more trustworthy,
warm and familiar
than a milk carton?
I'm gonna lose my house.
They, they put everything
in milk cartons.
Orange juice, candy,
pancake batter.
And it's recyclable.
But it's a milk carton!
Little kids can't read.
"Hey, can Timmy
come out and play?"
"No, I'm sorry, honey,
he just had a bowl
of cereal and he's hammered."
Oh, and I suppose you guys came
up with a perfect flavor beer.
Well, we'll just
have to see now.
This is my last brewin'.
I think it's my best yet.
- Oh!
- Oh, my God! That's disgusting.
Well, if you had bothered
to swallow
you would have seen that there
is no aftertaste whatsoever.
Oh.
Hey, the rotten egg taste
is gone.
How can you taste anything,
you keep takin' a sip of coffee
between every sip of beer?
Hey, it's late,
I'm tryin' to stay awake.
And you know, well, they go
pretty well together.
It, uh, makes the buzz
last longer.
Hey!
Don't look at me like that,
Drew, I'm not a pork chop.
No, coffee and beer.
Coffee flavored beer!
[gasps]
That's perfect,
coffee and beer.
I gotta pee just
thinkin' about it.
We gotta have a name.
Why don't we call it,
Drew put his house on the line
so he gets to name the beer.
- No!
- Or we could call it Drew Brew.
- Hmm.
- No.
- Hey, what about Java Beer.
- Hmm.
Drew Brew.
No! Kat-Beer-Chino!
Drew Brew.
- Buzz Beer.
- Yeah!
Hey, Buzz Beer.
Hey! And I've got the slogan.
"Stay up and get drunk
all over again."
[cheering]
[instrumental music]
So, it's the big day.
You're ready to get fired?
Hey, what a complete outfit.
You're even wearin'
Dutch Boy paint.
Listenwhen they close
this dump
I wanna be sure
I get transferred
to one of their
other dumps.
Yeah, well,
I don't need that
'cause I got
bigger things brewing.
Goodbye, Mimi.
Uh, you know, I just wanna say
that, uh,
I know we've teased each other
a lot over the last year,
and I, I truly hope
that you live
a long miserable life.
You know, this possibly
being the last day and all
I probably ought to tell you
I left you
a few little surprises
that you haven't,
you know, triggered yet.
Mimi, there's not a thing you've
done that I don't know about.
Well, first off, I've been
spitting in the coffeepot.
It's disgusting, other people
drink from that coffeepot.
Friendly fire.
Oh, the other thing I've been
doing is, I've been threatening
the president in your name.
Oh, and here's the biggie.
[rattling]
Oh, it's awake.
Oh, Mimi, you gave me
your first born.
[cabinet rattling]
Sandra, could you call animal
control please, thank you.
[cabinet rattling]
Actually there's only
one thing I did to you.
Uh, rest your hands on the home
keys, and look at the screen.
[telephone ringing]
See ya!
(Bell)
'Mimi! Pick up the damn phone.'
'What's the matter with you?'
Good one, pig!
Yeah, well, you gotta get up
pretty early in the morning..
to put on all that makeup
and get here by 9:00.
Drew.
Hey, they faxed over
your loan papers.
All you have to do is sign.
Are you sure you wanna do this?
Are you kidding, this is the
paper that's gonna set me free.
Stay away
from the file cabinet, Kate.
[cabinet rattling]
Mimi?
No, somethin' she put in there.
Oh, right this way,
Mr. Van Houten, sir.
Oh, by the way, I have this
keyboard attached to my hand
so, I'll always be working.
Mr. Carey,
I'm Paul Van Houten
from Van Heusen,
Van Hortan and Van Halen.
Uh-huh.
Uh, I was informed
of the humor
of that comment
by my translator.
Perhaps I shouldn't
have trusted an East German
to polish my zingers.
You know, you have
a lot of nerve coming in here
buying things up, and putting
all these people out of work.
Well, actually, we've decided to
keep everyone below management.
Are you below management, miss?
You bet I am.
Hi-five.
Oh!
Ooh, I'm so sorry.
You-you're supposed
to hi-five me.
- Oh?
- Yeah.
Oh!
You're,
you're a regular American.
Good. Very, very good.
So, you're firing
all the management, huh?
Well, that's fine, 'cause you
see this paper here, dutchie?
This paper says
I don't need this job anymore.
I'm gonna start my own business,
I'm gonna be so successful
I'm gonna buy and sell
people like you.
You're not fired,
we're interviewing management
and deciding
who we're keeping
on a case-by-case basis.
Oh, thank God.
I, I don't know
what I'm gonna do.
I-I-I mortgaged my house
on some beer scheme
and I'm gonna need
a steady paycheck.
I-I don't even know
if it's gonna work.
It's some crazy
beer and coffee concoction.
Well, that's not so crazy.
I've heard that Heineken
is releasing a whole
line of coffee beers.
They should be
in the stores shortly.
- What?
- See.
We do have a sense of humor.
[laughing]
Let me see five on that.
Now, let's get on
with the interview.
The biggest question is,
why have you been
in the same job
for seven years?
I was taught that
if you work hard
you'll get ahead, and boy,
I've been working hard
but I can't get anywhere 'cause
nobody ever leaves this place.
Hell, no one even ever dies.
For a bunch
of beefy Midwesterners
we sure hold on a long time.
Then, why didn't you leave?
Well, you know,
I, I love this place.
My mom used to take me here
when I was a kid.
You know, if you flush
all the toilets at once
you can get scalding water
out of the drinking fountains?
You make a loop around twice,
and yank real hard.
Wow, that's legal in Amsterdam?
Uh, this beer thing, are you
really going through with it?
Yeah, I figured
what the hell.
It's about time
I tried something crazy.
I respect that.
I always wanted
to do something crazy
but you'll forgive me
if I hope you're not successful
because I'd like you
to stay with us here
at Winfred-Louder.
You mean, I can keep my job?
Oh, thank you,
herr,sir.
Is there anybody
you're not keeping?
Just one.
[chuckling]
I see you finally got
the keyboard off your hand.
You're paying for this, idiot.
At least I can pay for it.
I still have my job.
(Mimi)
'So, do I, pig.'
The Dutch boys just told me
they're keeping me on.
I laughed at that stupid
Van Halen thing.
Well, then if you're not fired,
then who is?
Mr. Bell.
What are you staring at, Carey?
You're acting like
you've never seen me before.
- Oh, my God!
- Do you believe this?
Amsterdam is the city of whores
and they accuse me
of philandering.
So, you're the one
that's getting fired?
No, no, I'm just taking all my
possessions for a little ride.
Sure you don't wanna rephrase
that question more stupidly?
Just hold on,
just one second
'cause there's a few things
I've written down
to say to you in the event
of your early demise.
Really? What happened, Carey?
Did the wizard
give you some courage?
Alright, here we go.
Let's see..
Oh, that's kinda spiteful.
Never meant your mother.
A dated Saddam Hussein
reference.
You know what?
You just lost a job,
it's hard out there. Good luck.
Thanks, Carey.
I appreciate that.
By the way, youyou shake
hands like a little ballerina.
Uh, you know, sir, uh
as a parting gesture,
I'd like to offer you
a letter of recommendation.
I can't believe
you're doing this. What a wimp.
Uh, it's called being
the bigger man, Mimi.
It's right here in the top draw
of the file cabinet.
Help yourself.
I'll race you to the place
we're gonna say
we're gonna be
after this happen.
You know, now that we're gonna
be brewing beer at home
you won't have to spend
all your time here.
I don't spend
so much time here.
- Beer, Drew?
- Yeah, thanks.
- Yeah, you're hungry for a..
- Yeah.
- How about a--
- No.
- And one for your--
- No.
Here it is, the first batch
of Buzz Beer.
[all cheering]
Buzz Beer all around.
- Alright.
- Ow.
Thought you told me
this was twist off.
- Other way.
- Oh!
Here's to Buzz Beer.
Now, you can drink
and operate heavy machinery.
- 'To Buzz Beer.'
- 'Hey!'
- Now, all we need is a jingle.
- Hmm.
- Hmm.
- Oh.
- Here's one.
- Oh.
Hey!
We've got a new beer
and I brew it with my friends ♪
The name is Buzz Beer ♪
The one you dunk
doughnuts in ♪
It's got that be-e-ean ♪
And it's got caff-eine ♪
Buzz Beer stay up
get drunk again ♪
I said again ♪
Buzz Beer stay up
get drunk aga-a-ain ♪♪
[all cheering]