The Great Indoors (2016) s01e22 Episode Script

1 And so, for this weekend's company retreat, it is the strict policy of Outdoor Limits that we do not condone drinking, drug use or sexual activity.
You two know what I'm talking about.
Yeah, we do.
Up top.
I'm not touching that.
Yeah.
That's what you said at the last retreat but she really came around.
Now that I've read this official disclaimer from corporate, forget all of it! Here are your drink tickets.
Come on, guys, we don't need alcohol to enjoy hanging out with our coworkers.
Brooke's right.
Let me call my weed guy.
Man, oh, man.
Am I jealous of you young guns.
What I wouldn't give to go back and lose my retreat virginity or just my virginity-virginity.
Yeah, dude.
Now that you and Emma are on good terms, perfect time to make a move.
Yeah.
She did just break up with Greg, she got jealous of me and Nikki and she posted on Facebook that she's ready to make some mistakes, so are we sure she's not too vulnerable? [groans.]
Jack, do you, uh, have a moment? There's been a bit of a natural disaster in my office.
It's a mudslide.
Yes, Sheryl got me this so I could make green juice.
It's like she doesn't know me at all.
Why does that always happen when you marry a total stranger? Now, Jack, I've got some news for you.
After this retreat, I'm going to be leaving Outdoor Limits permanently for three months.
Do you stay up late to figure out the most confusing way to say things? Sometimes.
Through Sheryl's contacts, I've got the chance to embed myself with the Papavo tribe in Brazil.
Wow, that's amazing.
The Papavo have never been observed by outsiders.
In fact, some believe they don't exist.
They're like the “Clark's high school girlfriend” of native tribes.
You can imagine then it's the chance of a lifetime for me and for the Papavo tribe 'cause I'm a lot of fun.
I should be jealous as hell, but I'm actually pretty comfortable here.
Which is why I feel confident in leaving you in charge of the whole enterprise.
For three months? I bought hummus today.
You'll be back before it expires.
Still, before I depart For less than one season of Big Brother.
I want to give you some advice.
Being a leader is-is not just about the work, it's about the people.
I want you to help them as I've helped you.
Challenge them.
Help them achieve their dreams.
Well, I-I guess I could try and help Clark achieve his biggest dream.
You really think you can get the Harlem Globetrotters to come and play at his birthday party? Second biggest dream.
Okay, are you sure it's okay if I go this weekend? I feel bad taking off right after we pushed the wedding.
No, it'll be good for us to have some time apart to think about what we want.
But you have fun getting drunk in the same woods where you once made love with a coworker.
“Made love.
” We barely made eye contact.
Always reassuring to see you, Jack.
You look excited.
Did you rip another shirt just by flexing? That's part of it but I'm mostly excited because I know two people who are definitely hooking up this weekend.
Whoa.
Brooke's engaged.
Don't do something you might regret.
Guys, don't worry.
I totally respect Brooke's relationship with the kid from The Wonder Years.
Clark, this weekend I'm gonna help you achieve your dream of getting with Emma.
[eagle screeches.]
[phone ringing.]
Ah, love is in the air, Clark.
You ready for your dream to come true? Yeah, but what do I say to her? What do you want to say to her? That she's the most beautiful girl I've ever seen.
I want to spend the rest of my life with her on a back porch doing crossword puzzles in the rain while a three-legged rescue dog rocks our biracial baby to sleep.
Perfect but now channel all that madness into this: 'Sup? 'Sup? Oh, hey.
So, Carol's bringing a keg out to the mud baths, but I don't want to get my clothes dirty.
Could you come hold mine while I hop in? [slowly.]
: 'Sup.
Yeah, never mind.
I doubt you came to this retreat thinking, “Oh, I hope I get to see Emma naked.
” [gasps.]
Come back.
What the hell is wrong with you? She just gave you the perfect in.
I know that, but I just realized that I hadn't called Greg and asked for his blessing.
Her ex?! You never call the other guy.
Good lord, how has your bloodline continued for this long? I just feel like calling him is the decent thing to do.
Fine.
If this will eliminate your last excuse, do it now.
It's going to voice mail.
Hey, Greg, it's Clark.
Um, Emma's at the retreat and you need to know that I'm gonna make my move tonight.
She is worth fighting for and I am done being a total wuss.
Boom! I did it! Now what? Meet me at this cabin in two and a half hours.
I have a foolproof plan which for you means 50/50.
Mason.
Tell me, do you always travel with the entire drum kit for Rush? I only brought the essentials.
I am confiscating these luxuries so you can witness nature as the good Lord intended.
On IMAX? In person.
Oh, can you give me a hand with the AC unit? Oh, thanks for coming.
I need your help getting Clark and Emma to hook up.
Aw.
Wait, hang on.
Isn't this the same cabin where we hooked up five years ago? Oh, I don't know.
Does this sound familiar? [wood creaking rhythmically.]
Yeah, that went on longer than I remember.
[laughs.]
Ah, cheap drinks, squalid cabin, condoms Yeah, what can I say? I'm a romantic.
Oh! Sorry.
I didn't see anything.
Clark, get back in here.
I decorated this cabin because this is where you're gonna make your move with Emma tonight.
Seriously? What kind of desperate woman would allow themselves to be seduced in this filthy raccoon hovel? That sounds like a Brooke question.
Yeah, well, in my defense, without my contacts in that bag of fertilizer looked like a mattress.
All right, well, if I'm bringing Emma here, I'm gonna have to redecorate it for her.
This place looks like where Leatherface goes to work on his novel.
All right, while he's redecorating, we need your help with the Emma side of things.
Okay.
Well, I can talk to Emma and see if her heart's ready for a new romance or I could get her drunk.
Drunk works, remember? [wood creaking rhythmically.]
Hey.
Did you see Clark in those cargo shorts? [groans.]
If I wasn't engaged, Mama would've stuffed her hands in all nine of those pockets.
Yeah, he has been looking pretty cute, but you and I have different tastes.
You like nice, safe guys.
Oh, Paul's not that safe.
He wore a helmet in spin class.
Well, that's unfair.
He-he forgot to take it off after he drove over there.
I guess I just don't want to date another Greg.
I want a guy who really gets me and who isn't afraid to fight for me.
Well, that does sound nice.
Paul's less of a fighter, more of a lover of anything argyle.
[laughs.]
But-but-but you, you should keep an open mind.
The right person may be in front of you the whole time.
Hey, Emma.
Funny running into you at this mandatory work event.
Dude, be careful tonight.
I think Brooke wants to hook up with you.
Cool, cool, cool, cool.
So, uh after Carol's bonfire do you want to take a walk with me in the dark to an abandoned cabin at the edge of the forest? Sure.
See you then.
[laughs.]
Y'all see that? [chuckles.]
I was like, you, me, moonlit walk.
She's like, “Why wait for the moonlight?” “Why can't we go right now?” I'm like, “Slow down, babes, I got stuff to do.
” Ain't that right, Greg? Greg?! What are you doing here?! I got your voice mail.
I'm here to win Emma back.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Clark, finish your incredibly cocky story.
Hey, Clark.
What's Emma's ex-boyfriend doing at our company retreat? Well, I got Clark's voice mail.
Reception was a little spotty, but the message came through loud and clear.
Hey, Greg.
It's Clark.
Emma's at the retreat and you need to [static scratches.]
make a move tonight.
She is worth fighting for and I'm [static scratches.]
a total wuss.
Yeah, that's what I get for using a phone I won playing Skee-Ball.
I'm gonna handle this.
Greg, can I talk to you? Wow.
I can't believe Greg drove all the way up here to fight for Emma.
Hey, Clark said he was handling this, which means Emma and Greg will be married before you are.
Yeah, I told that guy to take a hike - That's great, Clark.
- Wait for it.
straight to the romantic cabin I tricked out just for Emma.
- Called it.
- What is wrong with you? Maybe I'm not the guy to make Emma happy.
I mean, Greg drove up here in a suit to win her back.
Meanwhile, I need you guys to hold my hand through every move I make.
I'm sorry.
I had no idea I was doing that.
Clark, you're a sweet kid.
But calling the other guy? That's Clarking it.
No more Clarking it.
From now on, you need to go for what you want.
Be more like me and just Jack it.
- What? - Right now? I've been Jacking it all my life.
When I was getting bullied at school, I didn't run away.
I stood in the middle of the playground and just Jacked it.
I think what Jack is trying to say, poorly, is that there is nothing more attractive than a man who goes for what he wants.
Right.
So get rid of Greg, and now go tell Emma how you feel.
Okay, you hit me with a lot of stuff there.
That tends to happen when you Jack it.
Roland - Wait a minute - Um, well, I This is all my stuff.
[chuckles.]
You're busted.
Don't you “you're busted” me, young man.
I deserve this.
I'm shortly gonna be roughing it in a place where your shirt, shelter and toilet paper is the same banana leaf.
Do you think there's enough apricot facial scrub for both of us? [chuckles.]
Okay, it's go time.
You ready? I will be, as soon as Brooke lets go of my hand.
I swear, I don't even know I'm doing it.
Greg, - we need to talk.
- Cool.
Can we do it while you help me take some of this weird stuff down? I think it's gonna freak Emma out.
Wait, “weird” stuff? No, I filled this room with all of Emma's favorite things.
Are you talking about the bag of fertilizer with a sheet on it? No.
How do you not know this stuff about her? I don't know, I guess because our relationship was mostly physical.
[groans.]
- Ooh, that one hurt.
- That one makes sense.
Greg, look, you're a great guy and a close friend, and I'm sorry that you had to race all the way up here.
It would have been nice to finish my job interview.
But you don't get Emma like I do.
She's the most amazing girl, and I want to spend the rest of my life with her sitting on a back porch doing crossword puzzles in the rain.
- Because she loves rain.
- No! Because she loves Portland! And I want to be her Portland.
So, look, I don't want to have to fight you.
Well, I don't want to have to fight you, either.
This is scary.
I'd rather just hug you and say “good luck.
” Let's do that! You clearly get Emma way better than I do.
Anyway, I should probably go.
I have to return this suit before Men's Wearhouse closes.
Good luck.
[floorboard creaks.]
Greg, one hug is enough, you silly goose.
Did you really mean all that stuff you just said about me? 'Sup? Yeah.
[sighs.]
Just as I planned it.
Wow, this is amazing.
But should we go somewhere Jack and Brooke aren't creeping on us through the window? I think you're right about Brooke liking me.
Girlfriend's been trying to hold my hand all weekend.
Yes! Yeah, I did it! They kissed.
I'm amazing.
And, Brooke, you were there, too.
I can't believe it.
Clark got the girl of his dreams, and Emma got someone who will fight for her.
Lucky lady.
[chuckles.]
You call that fighting? It was like watching two raptors trying to keep their nails dry.
Still, thanks for the assist.
Yeah, I guess it's kind of like the last time we wound up in this cabin.
You wanted to do all the work, and I ended up needing to lend a hand.
All I'm hearing is that we make a great team.
And that kiss was pretty amazing.
Yeah.
Might have been the second-best kiss to happen in here.
[laughs.]
Might have been the first-best.
You are mis-remembering.
I don't think I am.
Don't make me remind you.
Ah, we're busted.
Roland, I need to talk to you now.
Mason, out.
Jack, you don't stop in the middle of a five-step foot rejuvenation.
Clark and Emma kissed.
I came here to talk about me, but why doesn't the Showcase Showdown winner go first? Jack, I'm I'm not the rugged outdoorsman I once was.
I mean, I-I can handle it in the jungle, of course I could, it's just that I don't want to.
It's three months.
You'll be gone zero oil changes.
I know, but it's more than just the comforts of home.
I'll miss Sheryl.
I think wife number seven really could be “the one.
” I have an idea.
Let me go to Brazil in your place.
I've been thinking a lot about what you said, and you were right about me.
Oh, you have been skipping leg day at the gym.
No.
That I-I care about the people at Outdoor Limits.
Can you really tell about my legs? Oh, forget those hairy bamboo shoots, go on with what you were saying.
I-I just think that by being here, I'm making things more complicated for certain people who would be better off if I just cleared out for a while.
Where's all this coming from? I don't want to talk about it, but last night I did something I might regret.
Well, I know it wasn't squats.
[phone ringing.]
You hooked up with Brooke again.
How did you know it was me calling? I figured I'd hear from you, so I've been answering the bar phone like this all weekend.
I have fun.
No, I didn't hook up with Brooke.
Almost did, but then, I really Clarked it.
I don't know what that means.
I called the other guy.
Brooke, hi, it's me.
It's Paul.
I'm at your company retreat.
Honey, what are you doing here? Jack called and reminded me how lucky I am to have you.
He told me to man up and come get you.
So I raced all the way here, without my driving helmet.
You're here to fight for me? Well, for us.
I just, I want to do everything I can to make this work.
Come on, I know a secluded cabin.
You're gonna wish you'd brought your helmet.
Ugh, that retreat was crazy.
Last thing I remember was drinking Esther's moonshine out of her mouth.
She was so drunk she doesn't remember anything? The kiss, the long walk, you falling into that bonfire? I think all the hay fever medicine in my mouth caused some sort of super blackout.
- I'm sorry, buddy - It's all good.
How many guys get a second chance at a first kiss with the girl of their dreams? So are you going back to pining for her, or are you actually gonna make a move? Anything's possible.
Uh, if I can have everyone's attention.
I think you all know how desperate I was to go to Brazil, but the fact is I've decided to let Jack go instead.
Yes, I've made the ultimate sacrifice.
- Jack's going on your trip? - Mm-hmm.
If you want to join, I'm on my way to say good-bye at Eddie's.
Sweet Jack, I'm coming for you! Wow, a lot of craziness.
Jack's leaving, Roland's staying, you kissed Clark.
Yeah, so crazy.
I mean You do remember.
I knew it.
Secrets! Well, Eddie, it's been fun living with you here in Chicago.
While one of us is risking our lives in one of the deadliest places in the world, you'll be in Brazil.
Have fun.
Aw, thanks for coming down.
I'm actually gonna miss you guys.
You're only going for three months.
Don't be such a little bitch.
Wait, who are you? Uh, Donny, from legal.
I thought we were just going to lunch.
So, you're going back into the field.
I guess you finally got everything you wanted.
No, not everything.
But how much would I really use a World War II tank? I feel like there's a lot we're not saying.
Yes.
And with me leaving, we don't have to.
Does that make me a hero? Of course it does.
Actually, it makes you a sensitive guy who runs away every time he's confronted with real feelings.
Brooke I like my version better.
Bye.
All right, I got a prop plane to catch, you guys.
You got to get to these Brazilian flights early or they give up your seat to a bale of cocaine.
I'm just sorry that Clark isn't here to say good-bye.
Mason, did I hug you? [groan from bag.]
There you go.
All right Emma.
[pained groan.]
[chuckles.]
Esther.
CLARK: Oh, yeah, I think he knows.
Actually, I don't need this bag.
If you guys see Clark, tell him I said good-bye.
No! No, Jack! Jack, wait for me!