The Millers (2013) s01e22 Episode Script

Mm! Oh, God, that is so hot.
Aw, yeah.
Something's wrong with the heater thingy.
I keep telling people.
That water's coming out, like, lawsuit hot.
Thanks, Devin.
You ever think of telling people that before they drink? Nah.
You know, I'm in the legal department, and we kind of need the work.
Ever since they fired Susan the sexual harasser, - things have been slow.
- Yeah.
It was a lot more fun with Susan around.
Hey, Nate.
Remember when you set me up with that blind date with Janice's ugly cousin? Now we're even.
Hey, uh, Miller.
Ray says he's busy Friday night, but, uh, he mentioned that you don't have any plans.
You and I are gonna party.
I need another tomcat to go tomcatting with.
Sir, I-I'd love to go tomcatting.
I mean, who doesn't, these days? But don't you have a wife? Divorce.
Dang Job came between us.
Hmm.
Dang Job is the name of the acupuncturist she was sleeping with.
Come on, you and me, Friday night.
Huh? Give me some skin, baby.
Out of sight.
I-I'll come by, I'll pick you up at, uh, 7:30.
Uh, you know, I could do some new dance moves or, indeed, some bedroom tactics that people are doing now.
I'm an old dog, but I can learn new tricks, baby.
Ray, how could you do this to me, man? Janice's cousin wasn't that ugly.
She just had a gap-toothed smile.
Come on, it was more gap than tooth.
She ate a whole breadstick without opening her mouth.
Hey, you know, Miller, you know, something something's really bugging me, and I need to get it out in the open before we go out tonight.
You see, when I-I slap tens with someone, I need to slide it off, you know, real cool, like I mean I mean, the chicks they-they really dig that.
And I think we need to practice before tonight.
So, uh, come on.
Give me the palms.
Now you feel that, huh? Huh? Groovy, right? - Very-very groovy, sir.
- Okay, now you.
Come on, you.
Come on.
Give it a whirl.
Come on.
Slow down.
Where you going? Where you go Whoa-whoa, whoa.
Attaboy.
You know, if you two are sleeping together, I'm gonna need you to fill out some paperwork.
So what? Your boss wants you to be his wingman, big deal.
Yeah, I can't go to a bar and pick up women with a man in his 60s.
He said he needs to stop on the way and pick up a compression sock.
Not entirely sure it's for his feet.
I'll be honest, I don't see anything weird about this, either.
Yeah.
Says the guy who made cheese from his wife's breast milk.
Breast milk is the number one super food.
I didn't need to wear my glasses that whole year.
I'm gonna go throw up.
Look, I'd love to cancel, but I can't snub my own boss.
All right, so go out with him once and make sure he never wants to do it again.
Just give him the old South Side Mall treatment.
Ugh.
The South Side Mall.
That place is the worst.
It's hot, it's dirty, and it has the saddest merry-go-round.
Those horses just stare out with dead eyes, saying, "When will it end?" Yeah, exactly.
You go once and you never want to go back.
It's what we do when Mikayla brings home a friend we don't like.
We just turn the house into the South Side Mall.
Yup.
We crank the heat, blast Bjork, close all the windows and steam some broccoli.
What do you want him to do, make himself look bad in front of his boss? He can't do that.
Yeah, she's right.
I mean, it's impossible for me to be unlikeable.
Believe me, I've tried.
We were in high school, I ruined A Christmas Carol with my Scrooge.
Director said he'd never seen a crowd turn against Tiny Tim before.
Look, you can ditch someone and still have them like you.
You just have to pass them off on someone else.
I did it all the time when I was teaching.
Remember Ms.
Parker and Coach Deborah? I pawned them off on each other and that turned out beautifully.
Yeah, didn't you sing at their civil union a few years ago? I rewrote the lyrics and sang "It's Raining Women.
" Look, I'd love to pawn Ed off on someone he has something more in common with.
But the problem is I don't know any single 60-year-old losers who are in desperate need of companionship.
My bee friends are gone.
The hive collapsed, the queen left.
And the whole colony followed her without so much as a good-bye.
I got to go check on my ant hills.
God forbid they left me, too.
If they did, someone better be ready to take me out for ice cream.
Oh, come on, well, that's just too easy.
Oh, I don't know if he's gonna go for Dad.
I mean, Mr.
Dolan's a sophisticated executive.
Dad gets mistaken for the cart collector at the grocery store.
He's got to stop wearing that red vest and start remembering where he parked his car.
Hey, come on, Tom must have some social skills.
He used to be regional vice president.
I mean, somehow he managed to climb the corporate ladder.
He didn't climb.
I put a hand under each butt cheek and shoved him up that ladder.
Wait.
So you're saying that you know how to make Dad look good? Sure.
It took me a whole marriage to figure it out, but I learned how to dress him and how to steer him toward his best jokes.
It's basically the technique that Jim Henson used to turn a pig into a movie star.
You know what? This plan could work.
All right, so I'll-I'll tell Dad, and then we'll figure out how to switch it up.
No, Tom's the puppet.
You can't tell the puppet you're pulling the strings.
He'll try to move on his own and get tangled.
You know, if Mom could sell Ed on Dad, you would be the son of the boss's buddy.
That is not a bad thing.
Yeah, that's true.
It could be perfect.
I mean, I'd be I'd be close enough that he'd want to promote me, but not so close that he'd want to try out his pickup lines on me.
"Nice legs.
What time do they open?" My God! What he said Oh, God! Oh, God.
I'm sorry.
That would totally work on me.
You know, when someone gives you a gift, it's polite to use it.
What's wrong? I don't know.
My sock is tight.
Nathan, Nathan! Oh, gosh, my divorced parents are here.
What are the chances? Wow, Nate, what are you doing here? I was about to ask you the same question.
Uh, Dad, you know my boss Ed Dolan.
Hey, Ed.
How are you? Hello, hello.
Oh, your mom said the Andersons wanted to meet up here and talk to us.
I hope they're not gonna ask us to swing again.
I told them the last time, I don't even like to share my popcorn.
Right.
Um, well, Ed, why don't you have a seat here and I'll get us some drinks, and if the Andersons don't show up, we'll just take these seats.
Okay, great.
So sorry to hear about your divorce.
- Oh, thank you.
- But you know what Tom says.
Marriage is like a three-ring circus.
Engagement ring, wedding ring and? Suffering.
That's good.
Very good.
This guy's got a million of them! Tell him the one about the old couple - having sex on a farm.
- Oh, yeah.
This is good.
Nice legs.
What time they open? So that-at works on my sister.
I Not-not that I've tried ion her.
Hurry, your dad's in the middle of the farm joke.
So, the old couple is making love up against the same fence, arms flailing, they're screaming.
And the old lady says to him, "You didn't do it to me like that 50 years ago.
" And the elderly husband says, "Well, 50 years ago, the fence wasn't electric" So, are you set with a believable excuse to leave early? Yeah.
I'm actually getting a little help on that.
Which should be here in three, two, one Nathan, I totally had the date wrong! My sister's getting married tonight! - Tonight?! - Tonight! - But I don't have my - Tux it's in the car! - But I'm here with - Ed I know! Ed, we got to go.
I'm so sorry.
So sorry, Ed.
I'll make it up to you.
I'll make it up to you right now.
Give it me low and slow.
Ooh.
Slow ten.
Groovy.
Speaking of weddings, Tom, tell him the time you saw the drunk wedding photographer in the emergency room.
Oh, that's a good one! It all started with me, my cousin and a donkey who could do math.
Ooh, I-I love donkey stories.
Well, strap in, mister, I got six.
Mom.
Mom? What time is it? Oh, Mom, what are you? Oh, naked mother! Naked mother! Please put lots of clothes on and meet me downstairs.
You know, your son shouldn't have to see you like that.
This is why babies come out crying.
I'm so hungover.
Say what you will about alcoholics, but they're brave to face every morning like this.
Sleeping with my boss? What happened to our plan? What happened to Dad? Please tell me he's not upstairs with the Andersons.
Your dad got too drunk.
We had to put him in a cab after he peed in his fedora.
And then? And then, Ed asked me if I wanted to share a cab, and when the driver asked where we were headed, he said, "Bonetown.
" I'm sorry, Nathan, but that's where we went.
We went to Bonetown.
Please tell me you made a pit stop in Rubberville.
You think I'm happy about this? Do you know how stressful it is to sleep with a bald man? You have to keep opening your eyes to make sure you're kissing his head and not his ass.
Look, Mom, you slept with my boss a man that I'm trying to move out of my personal life, not into my mother's bed.
And on her floor.
And a little on this couch.
What?! Oh, God, this couldn't get any worse.
Wait.
Think about this.
Maybe this isn't a bad thing.
How? He clearly felt as awkward as I do, because he snuck out without even saying good-bye.
You know what? Maybe you're right.
Nobody wants to hang out with the son of their one-night stand.
If Ed is gonna try to avoid you, then he's gonna avoid me, too.
You actually just might've fixed this.
You're welcome.
What a relief.
All right, let's just try to erase this whole thing from our minds and pretend it never happened.
I'm gonna go upstairs and call Crate & Barrel, see how soon they can get a new couch in here.
Oh.
Darn it.
You're awake.
I-I wanted to be there when you when you opened your eyes.
This is what you would have seen.
Hey, you.
Ed, I thought you left.
Well, I did.
I went to get some, uh, some things.
I, uh I want to cook us breakfast, and I want to eat a hard-boiled egg on every spot we made sweet love last night.
I got a dozen they wouldn't sell me just three.
What? Oh! Uh, Nathan.
I didn't, uh, see you there.
Uh, we need to have a talk.
Okay.
All right, uh, this is how it is.
You ever heard of a place called Bonetown? Ugh, God.
I can't believe you're telling us Mom had sex with your boss.
You know, some things you keep to yourself.
It's-it's like you had flu in your house and you just you came over and you sneezed in my mouth.
Why would you trick me? I thought Ed and I were getting along great.
And when he gets those flowers I sent him, tell him I want them back! And ask him not to read the card.
What's the big problem here? So your mom and your boss had sex.
My mom and the mailman had sex, and it didn't change our relationship one bit.
Except I had to deliver the mail while he had sex with my mom.
Look, the problem is it's not just sex.
Ed wants to take Mom to his beach condo this weekend.
He-he wants to turn this into a serious relationship.
Not gonna happen.
I can't be with a bald man.
That's the lowest of the low.
If hair doesn't want to be on top of him, why would I? Okay, why don't you just tell him you're not interested? No, no, look, Debbie, she can't dump my boss.
He'll get upset ship me off to some radio station.
And this is not a face for radio.
This is a face that can sell beer, with a voice that can sell cars, all wrapped inside a body that can sell just about anything you use in the shower.
Wait.
What if Carol gets Ed to break up with her? Yes.
Right.
Give him the old South Side Mall treatment.
Won't work.
He's already been to my mall, and he shopped till he dropped.
The man likes him some Carol.
He likes first-date Carol.
You got to give him the full Carol! Show him the stuff I had to live with.
Like what? Like why don't you wear that giant striped bathrobe that makes you look like you're being tented for termites.
Oh, wait.
I know.
Just slurp your soup in front of him.
I don't slurp.
Sure.
And you don't scream like the Hulk when you have night terrors.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Why don't you show him your Sunday night beauty routine.
She wears so many beauty products at once, she looks like - You? - Hey.
We're making fun of Mom, not me.
Right, right.
Okay.
Oh, no, I know what to do.
I know what to do.
Just do that thing where the back of your throat itches and you press in your ear and you make that goose noise.
Yeah.
Fine, fine.
You want me to be the South Side Mall, I'll be the South Side Mall.
But I can't guarantee it'll make Ed stop liking me.
This is a hard habit to break.
I went cold turkey and I'm fine! Well here we are.
Oh, good.
There's a couch for you to sleep on.
Seriously? I know we got off to a quick start, but no more sex for a while.
I'm a lady.
This trip is going to be about mental intercourse.
But this suitcase is mostly condoms.
I'll be ready to go to the beach in an hour or so.
Well, we're probably gonna miss the sunset, but, uh no problem.
Are you here with me or the Internet? I'm doing this for you, you know.
Thank you.
Don't talk to me till I've had coffee.
All right.
Let me just What did I say?! See? You look so much more manly with hair.
Hmm.
Well Better than the spaghetti.
Soup makes my throat itch.
Oh! Hey! How was your weekend? Good? Your mom is amazing.
It is so great to finally meet a woman let's it all hang out and cuts through that that phony new relationship BS.
Can you believe we rode home in silence? That is so refreshing! Ed, my other bag isn't gonna just walk in here from the car by itself.
You see? She tells me exactly what she needs.
Move it, jackass! That's the stuff! What did you do?! Everything I was supposed to.
All the things you complained about and tons extra.
I told you, this was a hard habit to break.
He didn't mind the way that you slurp soup? No, he smiled and said he'd like to see what I could do to a chowder.
I can't believe that he put up with all that.
I know.
He's the most patient, good-humored, accepting man I've ever met.
I don't know how to get rid of him.
Well, then maybe you shouldn't.
What do you mean? Well do you like him, Mom? Well, he's-he's kind and very funny.
You should see his impression of you looking in the mirror.
He totally captures your spirit.
Oh, I can't date your boss.
What if it goes sour or I break his heart? It could hurt your career.
Look, Mom, yes, I'd like to be an anchorman someday, but not as much as I'd like to see you find somebody that makes you happy.
And who has a house that you could eventually move into.
This has a big, big upside for me.
But he's bald.
So what if he's bald? This guy saw the worst parts of you, things that only your family knows about, and he's cool with it.
I think you can put up with a little shine on his noggin.
He's a good man.
And it's kind of nice to know he'll never give me lice.
Okay.
Here's the, uh here's the last one.
Well, okay.
I'm, uh, gonna be heading out now.
I'm gonna see a plastic surgeon about all those problem areas you circled on me.
Wait, wait.
You had a long drive.
Um why don't you sit down.
- Oh.
Oh.
- Yeah.
I'll I'll make you a drink.
Well, that would be that would be lovely.
Uh, as long as it's not a problem with Just a little speed bump on the way to Bonetown.
Hey, Miller, I think I got flowers from your mom.
Wait a Wait a minute, these are from your dad.
Oh, you know what? Here, let me just Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
"Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm sorry I peed in your fedora.
" Why don't you just give me those, and we'll pretend it never happened.