The War at Home s01e22 Episode Script
Drive Me Crazy
Yes! Yes! Good, good.
Come on, come on! Yes! ( chanting ): Defense! Defense! Defense! No! Offense! Offense! Offense! Hey, Dave, I need to talk to you.
It's important.
No, sweetie, this game is important, okay? You don't know understand this because you're a girl, but the Knicks are depending on me.
If I don't hold my breath during this free throw, he might not make it.
Missed the shot! See, you were talking, and he missed the shot.
Did you open a new credit card without telling me? Honey, after 17 years, I don't even take off my pants without telling you.
Well, you got to call the credit card company right away, because if you didn't open it, and I didn't open it, then it could be identity theft.
Yeah, right, like anyone would want my identity.
Yes! Rejection! In your face! Daddy, will you take me to practice driving now? No! Rejection! In your face! But you promised.
Ah, let that be a little life lesson to you, sweetie.
Men break their promises, so stay away from them, all of them, especially me when I'm watching the game.
Get out of here.
Dave, come on.
You remember when you were 16 how important getting your license was.
It was all that mattered.
Come on, this is a big deal to her, so please, could you take her? If it's so important, why don't you take her driving? What are you, crazy? I'm not getting in a car with her.
Hey, Mom, Kenny just got his welcome kit from Shakespeare Drama Camp.
( with English accent ): Where art mine? Did it cometh yet? No, not yet.
You don't think there's a problem, do you? 'Cause just on the basis of my audition tape alone they ought to let me in.
That and the fact they let everyone in.
It'll get here.
( chuckling ): You worry too much, you nut job.
( laughing ) What? Yeah, you didn't send that application in, did you? Yes, I did.
No, you didn't.
You had the same look on your face when I asked you if you had remembered to take your birth control pill.
Okay, fine, I forgot.
Crap! If I don't get Larry into that Shakespeare camp, he's going to hate me.
You know what? I'll get it in tomorrow.
Maybe there's a spot open or there's a cancellation.
I got to get on this right away.
Yeah, God forbid my kid missed Shakespeare camp this summer.
Who are all the other dads going to make fun of? No, no, miss, you're not understanding me.
I never applied for this credit card.
( whistle blows on TV ) Oh, you suck! No, no, sorry, not you.
Yeah.
Although, you did keep me waiting on hold for 15 minutes.
No, miss, miss, listen to me.
I never charged a thousand dollars for, uh What the hell is I.
N.
E.
? An online gambling site? Let me call you right back.
You want to tell me what the hell this is? Okay, um I mailed in a pre-approved credit card application in your name and used it to sign up for an online poker site.
DAVE: Ah-ah! How much you want to bet I'm gonna kick your ass right now? Why would you do something like that?! Because if I'd stolen a credit card from your wallet, I wouldn't have gotten the free football phone.
What the hell is the matter with you? Why would you even think about gambling in the first place? Oh, I don't know, um How much you got riding on this Knicks game, Dad? Three bills.
The gas bill, the phone bill, and the power bill.
Nothing! I don't gamble, okay? And neither should you, all right? Aside from the fact that it's illegal at your age, you know, it could turn into a terrible addiction.
You know my cousin Salty? Yeah, he gambled everything away, and now he sleeps in a car.
Not his car, just any car that's unlocked.
All right, Dad, I'm sorry, okay? I'm sorry.
You're gonna be even sorrier when I'm done with you.
How are you going to pay back a thousand dollars? Well, I'm up 4200 bucks.
I guess I can use some of that.
Well, I guess we found something he's good at besides lying and stealing.
So are you going to punish me? Yeah, I'm gonna punish you.
Go to your room and don't come back until you've doubled my money.
Excuse me? Yeah, we're partners now.
We're splitting everything Now, leave me alone, so I can watch the game.
Hey, babe.
What did the credit card company say? Oh, don't worry about it.
It's taken care of.
What does that mean? Now I am worried.
Honey, honey, it's fine, okay? Everything is under control, I got everything Will you just tell me what happened? Turned out it was a mistake, but, uh, Punjambi, the fellow that I spoke to, said that the weather was fantastic in New Delhi today.
Honey, it's fine, you know? And I would really love to talk to you about it, but I promised my daughter I would take her driving.
( laughing giddily ): Really? It was a toss-up.
I mean, tell Vicky I'm letting Mike gamble or get in a car with Hillary.
Either way, I'm probably dead.
DAVE: All right, not too fast, okay? Keep your eyes on the road.
Good.
All right, let's go home.
( chuckling ): I've only been driving, like, five minutes.
Well, it seems like a lot longer When your entire life flashes in front of your eyes.
Will you slow down?! Oh, my God.
There's Max! Hey, Max! You still walk? What a loser! Will you watch out?! You're all over the road.
I am not! Pay attention to what you're doing.
You see the dotted line in the middle of the road? No, you don't, because you're on it.
Move over.
Relax, Daddy! Oh, that's not good.
What do I do? Okay.
Just pull over.
I can't believe this.
If I get a ticket, then I can't get my license, and I've been waiting so long for this.
Now my life is ruined.
Is there a problem, Officer? You were driving erratically.
License and registration, please.
No, it wasn't my fault, Officer.
This food is so good, it distracted me.
It's from Chili's, you know.
They have the best ribs ever.
You'd figure they have the best chili ever, and it is good, but it's not as good as those ribs.
I wonder if there's a place called "Ribbies" that makes pretty good ribs but unbelievably good chili.
Have you been drinking? No, sir, I haven't.
I, um I did have a couple of beers during the game, but Step out of the car, please.
Officer, you don't understand.
I'm not drinking and driving.
Like I said, I was drinking, but I wasn't How 'bout a boneless buffalo wing? Hey.
Are you okay? Where have you been? I've been worried.
Don't make a big deal out of nothing.
Everything's okay, sweetie.
Okay, what happened? I got arrested for drunk driving.
What? What the hell is wrong with you?! Will you excuse us, please? Yes, Daddy, whatever you say.
Thank you.
I love you.
You see that? You see? I'm the hero in this story, Vicky.
Oh, yeah, who are you? Drunken Stupor Man? Are you done yet, are you? 'Cause you're about to feel very, very, very stupid, okay? Yes, I was a little buzzed, but I wasn't driving.
Hillary was, okay? But when we got pulled over, I switched seats with her, so she wouldn't get a ticket and not get her license.
Yeah.
Yeah.
That's right.
Nelson Mandela.
Gandhi.
Me.
Oh, so you just did this to get Hillary out of trouble? Yeah, are you feeling dumb yet? No, not yet, but I'm sure I will when you want to take me to dinner, and I have to ride on your handlebars to get there.
You could lose your license over this.
You don't know what you're talking about.
For your information, I already lost it.
But just temporarily, okay? The cop said I was just over the legal limit, and it's a first offense, so I'm probably just going to get a fine for driving while ability impaired.
So instead of Hillary just waiting a few more months to get her license, now you have to figure out how to get to and from work.
Why would you do that? First of all, I was drunk when I made the decision.
But I stand by it, okay? I mean, she's my kid.
I'm always gonna be there to bail her out.
And besides, it was all worth it.
Did you see the way she hugged me and thanked me? Ha! Do you think she's going to remember your big sacrifice tomorrow? Yes, I do.
Please.
When has she ever even appreciated anything that we do for her? There you go, Hillary.
It's all ready.
You did it, Daddy! You fixed it.
Thank you! Oh.
I love you, I love you, I love you! I love you more.
Great.
Can you think of another example since she learned what a maxipad was for? No.
You know why? Because she's a teenage girl, Dave, and teenage girls only think about themselves.
Ah! You're just jealous because right now, she likes me more than she likes you.
Well, maybe I should toss back a couple of cocktails and take her for a joyride.
Well, guess what? You can't.
Car's been impounded.
What? What do you mean the camp is full? Oh, come on, can't you just take one more kid? Instead of Romeo and Juliet, you could do Romeo and Juliet and Their Friend Larry.
Hey, Mom.
I'll call you back.
Hey, you actor, you.
Did you talk to the camp? What'd they say? Do I have to bring my own fencing foil, or will they provide one? I wouldn't worry too much about that, Larry.
What he means is, do you think I'd send you to some schlocky Shakespeare camp where you have to bring your own fencing foil? What kind of a mother do you think I am? You're the best, Mom.
Yeah, let's just go with that for now.
Me think you screweth up big time, me lady.
I'm going to go down there and straighten this whole thing out.
Oh, honey, could you give me a ride? Oh, wait, no, you can't, drunky.
Oh, hey, Daddy, what are you up to? Comparison shopping for new car insurance.
You know, they want to raise my rates $200 a month since our little driving incident.
You have anything to say about that, sweetie? Oh, I'm sorry.
Hey, uh, maybe you should cut back on beer to save the money.
I mean, that is how you wound up in this situation in the first place, right? ( chuckles ) All right.
And, yeah, I thought she wouldn't appreciate all you've done for her.
I don't know her at all.
Yes! We won another hand! Yes! Yes! Give it to me.
Yeah.
Oh.
Mm.
Uh.
Uh.
Uh.
Kaching! Kaching! $8,200, Mike.
What are you going to do with your share of the money? I don't know, um, video games, maybe DVDs, candy.
What about you, Dad? Yeah, me, too.
Candy.
Thank you, Dave.
You're welcome, Candy.
Okay, look, I'm gonna level with you.
I forgot to send his application in, and now I feel like the worst mother in the world.
You just got to let him in.
I can't live with the guilt.
Sorry, Mrs.
Gold, I would love to have Larry at Camp To Be Or Not To Be, but unfortunately, for this summer, it's not to be.
Okay.
What if I were to tell you that my son is handicapped? We already have a blind kid and a wheelchair kid.
A disappointed kid just ain't gonna cut it.
( groans ) Hey.
Hey, babe.
This carpooling with Joe is driving me nuts.
All he listens to is the Martha Stewart channel on satellite radio.
For some unknown reason, his car stinks like meatloaf.
You'd think Martha would have a solution for that.
But, uh, I guess not.
Well, here's an idea: Why don't you tell the judge the truth at your hearing, and I bet you get your license back.
I'm not selling out my daughter, all right? I'm her father, I have to protect her, end of story, period.
All right? Now, what's for dinner? Meatloaf.
Oh, look who's home.
Now, maybe we can finally eat.
I tried to get home earlier for you, sweetie, but when Joe was driving home-- you know, 'cause I could no longer legally drive, you know-- we had to pull over because Joe had a charley horse.
And he said, "Hey, Dave, you want to take over here and drive the rest of the way home?" And I said, "No, Joe, I cannot do that," you know? "'Cause I could, uh, no longer legally drive.
" I may not be able to get behind the wheel, but I could still take my daughter on a guilt trip.
What do you think about that, sweetie? I think that maybe next time, you could call and let us know you're gonna be late, so we could start dinner without you.
What are you doing, Daddy? I'm punishing you for something you're gonna do when you're 16.
???? Good morning! I made corned beef hash and eggs and home fries and blueberry pancakes.
Nothing is too good for my favorite son.
What do you want from me, Mom? All right, I need a favor.
I need you to make fun of your brother to the point where he's too embarrassed to go to Shakespeare camp.
Excuse me? You know, you go, "Hey, Larry, Shakespeare camp, huh? Was sex change camp all filled up?" But, you know, in your own style.
Forget it, Mom, I'm not doing that.
Why not? Since when do you care about hurting his feelings? I don't care about hurting his feelings, okay? I'm just not gonna talk him out of leaving the house for two weeks.
That's my summer vacation.
Please don't call our bluff, please don't call our bluff.
Hold your breath.
Why? Just do what I say.
Yes! We won, we won.
Mike? Why is this door locked? MIKE: Uh it's not locked.
Rook to king seven.
Ouch.
In my face.
What's going on? Oh, uh, just chess.
We're playing chess.
Oh.
Please don't call our bluff, please don't call our bluff.
Come on! What's really going on? Nothing's going on.
We're just playing some chess, spending a little time with my son.
You know, even a mother who doesn't understand the idea of sacrificing for her children should understand that.
I'm sure Shakespeare must have written a play about that.
But thanks to you, Larry won't be performing it this summer.
Hey, Hilary, listen.
Your mother and I are going out on Saturday.
I need you to be here from 10:00 to 2:00.
The cable guy's coming.
Why me? You know, 'cause I'm asking you.
Mm.
I can't.
I'm going to my friend Michelle's house on Saturday.
I already have plans.
Oh, well, here's an idea: Why don't you just switch your plans? You know? Instead of you going over there, why doesn't she come over here? You know? You just switch places.
Yeah.
No.
Wait.
Are you kidding me? Are you telling me you won't go a little bit out of your way for me, after everything I've done for you? Is this about the car? Are you screwing with me? Yes, this is about the car, and how I got arrested for you, and how I lost my license for you, and how I have to drive to and from work in Joe's smelly car for you, and how, all this time, your mother's saying how stupid I am for doing all this for you.
I didn't ask you to do any of those things for me.
I could have talked my way out of a ticket.
I'm pretty.
Yeah, and besides, I said thank you.
God, what else do you want from me? How about a little appreciation? You know what? Forget it, okay? I'm done protecting you.
Your mother was right.
And you know what? As a matter of fact, I'm going to court tomorrow, and you're coming with me.
And I'm gonna tell the judge exactly what happened, all right? And if he wants to take away your license, you know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna stand up, and applaud him-- you know why? 'Cause you don't deserve a license, you don't deserve anything.
Yeah, well, thanks a lot! I enjoyed that.
VICKY: I really did.
Especially the part where you said, "Your mother was right.
" Whatever.
Hey, Larry, you know what? You're not going to Shakespeare camp.
You know why? Your mother forgot to send in the application.
What?! Okay, he knows I'm a good mother.
He knows I love him.
I mean, I made one little mistake.
It's not the end of the world.
He'll deal with it.
Okay, okay.
So we're good? Before I sentence you, do you have anything you'd like to say? Yes, Your Honor, as a matter of fact, I do.
There are a few facts involving this case that you are unaware of that I would like to bring to the court's attention.
It just so happens that on the day of the incident, my daughter Um Well, what I was saying is, um I, uh, I deserve everything, um, Your Honor does to me.
Drinking and driving is totally unacceptable under any circumstances.
I could not agree with you more, Mr.
Gold.
The court hereby Excuse me, Your Honor.
My father's innocent.
I was the one who was driving.
But I wasn't drinking.
I saw my friend Max, and I waved, because he's really cute.
We have this thing where we Anyway, um My dad switched seats with me so I wouldn't get in trouble.
But it's only because he cares about me.
See? I knew Hilary appreciates the sacrifices I make for her.
I knew she would do the right thing.
I'm just so proud of her, I don't know I was going to suspend your license for 90 days and fine you $500.
But given these new circumstances, I can no longer do that.
( sighs ): Thank you, Your Honor.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
You are, however guilty of perjury and of falsifying a police report.
JUDGE: The court hereby fines you $5,000.
What the hell is wrong with my daughter? Why couldn't she just keep her mouth shut like every other ungrateful teenager?
Come on, come on! Yes! ( chanting ): Defense! Defense! Defense! No! Offense! Offense! Offense! Hey, Dave, I need to talk to you.
It's important.
No, sweetie, this game is important, okay? You don't know understand this because you're a girl, but the Knicks are depending on me.
If I don't hold my breath during this free throw, he might not make it.
Missed the shot! See, you were talking, and he missed the shot.
Did you open a new credit card without telling me? Honey, after 17 years, I don't even take off my pants without telling you.
Well, you got to call the credit card company right away, because if you didn't open it, and I didn't open it, then it could be identity theft.
Yeah, right, like anyone would want my identity.
Yes! Rejection! In your face! Daddy, will you take me to practice driving now? No! Rejection! In your face! But you promised.
Ah, let that be a little life lesson to you, sweetie.
Men break their promises, so stay away from them, all of them, especially me when I'm watching the game.
Get out of here.
Dave, come on.
You remember when you were 16 how important getting your license was.
It was all that mattered.
Come on, this is a big deal to her, so please, could you take her? If it's so important, why don't you take her driving? What are you, crazy? I'm not getting in a car with her.
Hey, Mom, Kenny just got his welcome kit from Shakespeare Drama Camp.
( with English accent ): Where art mine? Did it cometh yet? No, not yet.
You don't think there's a problem, do you? 'Cause just on the basis of my audition tape alone they ought to let me in.
That and the fact they let everyone in.
It'll get here.
( chuckling ): You worry too much, you nut job.
( laughing ) What? Yeah, you didn't send that application in, did you? Yes, I did.
No, you didn't.
You had the same look on your face when I asked you if you had remembered to take your birth control pill.
Okay, fine, I forgot.
Crap! If I don't get Larry into that Shakespeare camp, he's going to hate me.
You know what? I'll get it in tomorrow.
Maybe there's a spot open or there's a cancellation.
I got to get on this right away.
Yeah, God forbid my kid missed Shakespeare camp this summer.
Who are all the other dads going to make fun of? No, no, miss, you're not understanding me.
I never applied for this credit card.
( whistle blows on TV ) Oh, you suck! No, no, sorry, not you.
Yeah.
Although, you did keep me waiting on hold for 15 minutes.
No, miss, miss, listen to me.
I never charged a thousand dollars for, uh What the hell is I.
N.
E.
? An online gambling site? Let me call you right back.
You want to tell me what the hell this is? Okay, um I mailed in a pre-approved credit card application in your name and used it to sign up for an online poker site.
DAVE: Ah-ah! How much you want to bet I'm gonna kick your ass right now? Why would you do something like that?! Because if I'd stolen a credit card from your wallet, I wouldn't have gotten the free football phone.
What the hell is the matter with you? Why would you even think about gambling in the first place? Oh, I don't know, um How much you got riding on this Knicks game, Dad? Three bills.
The gas bill, the phone bill, and the power bill.
Nothing! I don't gamble, okay? And neither should you, all right? Aside from the fact that it's illegal at your age, you know, it could turn into a terrible addiction.
You know my cousin Salty? Yeah, he gambled everything away, and now he sleeps in a car.
Not his car, just any car that's unlocked.
All right, Dad, I'm sorry, okay? I'm sorry.
You're gonna be even sorrier when I'm done with you.
How are you going to pay back a thousand dollars? Well, I'm up 4200 bucks.
I guess I can use some of that.
Well, I guess we found something he's good at besides lying and stealing.
So are you going to punish me? Yeah, I'm gonna punish you.
Go to your room and don't come back until you've doubled my money.
Excuse me? Yeah, we're partners now.
We're splitting everything Now, leave me alone, so I can watch the game.
Hey, babe.
What did the credit card company say? Oh, don't worry about it.
It's taken care of.
What does that mean? Now I am worried.
Honey, honey, it's fine, okay? Everything is under control, I got everything Will you just tell me what happened? Turned out it was a mistake, but, uh, Punjambi, the fellow that I spoke to, said that the weather was fantastic in New Delhi today.
Honey, it's fine, you know? And I would really love to talk to you about it, but I promised my daughter I would take her driving.
( laughing giddily ): Really? It was a toss-up.
I mean, tell Vicky I'm letting Mike gamble or get in a car with Hillary.
Either way, I'm probably dead.
DAVE: All right, not too fast, okay? Keep your eyes on the road.
Good.
All right, let's go home.
( chuckling ): I've only been driving, like, five minutes.
Well, it seems like a lot longer When your entire life flashes in front of your eyes.
Will you slow down?! Oh, my God.
There's Max! Hey, Max! You still walk? What a loser! Will you watch out?! You're all over the road.
I am not! Pay attention to what you're doing.
You see the dotted line in the middle of the road? No, you don't, because you're on it.
Move over.
Relax, Daddy! Oh, that's not good.
What do I do? Okay.
Just pull over.
I can't believe this.
If I get a ticket, then I can't get my license, and I've been waiting so long for this.
Now my life is ruined.
Is there a problem, Officer? You were driving erratically.
License and registration, please.
No, it wasn't my fault, Officer.
This food is so good, it distracted me.
It's from Chili's, you know.
They have the best ribs ever.
You'd figure they have the best chili ever, and it is good, but it's not as good as those ribs.
I wonder if there's a place called "Ribbies" that makes pretty good ribs but unbelievably good chili.
Have you been drinking? No, sir, I haven't.
I, um I did have a couple of beers during the game, but Step out of the car, please.
Officer, you don't understand.
I'm not drinking and driving.
Like I said, I was drinking, but I wasn't How 'bout a boneless buffalo wing? Hey.
Are you okay? Where have you been? I've been worried.
Don't make a big deal out of nothing.
Everything's okay, sweetie.
Okay, what happened? I got arrested for drunk driving.
What? What the hell is wrong with you?! Will you excuse us, please? Yes, Daddy, whatever you say.
Thank you.
I love you.
You see that? You see? I'm the hero in this story, Vicky.
Oh, yeah, who are you? Drunken Stupor Man? Are you done yet, are you? 'Cause you're about to feel very, very, very stupid, okay? Yes, I was a little buzzed, but I wasn't driving.
Hillary was, okay? But when we got pulled over, I switched seats with her, so she wouldn't get a ticket and not get her license.
Yeah.
Yeah.
That's right.
Nelson Mandela.
Gandhi.
Me.
Oh, so you just did this to get Hillary out of trouble? Yeah, are you feeling dumb yet? No, not yet, but I'm sure I will when you want to take me to dinner, and I have to ride on your handlebars to get there.
You could lose your license over this.
You don't know what you're talking about.
For your information, I already lost it.
But just temporarily, okay? The cop said I was just over the legal limit, and it's a first offense, so I'm probably just going to get a fine for driving while ability impaired.
So instead of Hillary just waiting a few more months to get her license, now you have to figure out how to get to and from work.
Why would you do that? First of all, I was drunk when I made the decision.
But I stand by it, okay? I mean, she's my kid.
I'm always gonna be there to bail her out.
And besides, it was all worth it.
Did you see the way she hugged me and thanked me? Ha! Do you think she's going to remember your big sacrifice tomorrow? Yes, I do.
Please.
When has she ever even appreciated anything that we do for her? There you go, Hillary.
It's all ready.
You did it, Daddy! You fixed it.
Thank you! Oh.
I love you, I love you, I love you! I love you more.
Great.
Can you think of another example since she learned what a maxipad was for? No.
You know why? Because she's a teenage girl, Dave, and teenage girls only think about themselves.
Ah! You're just jealous because right now, she likes me more than she likes you.
Well, maybe I should toss back a couple of cocktails and take her for a joyride.
Well, guess what? You can't.
Car's been impounded.
What? What do you mean the camp is full? Oh, come on, can't you just take one more kid? Instead of Romeo and Juliet, you could do Romeo and Juliet and Their Friend Larry.
Hey, Mom.
I'll call you back.
Hey, you actor, you.
Did you talk to the camp? What'd they say? Do I have to bring my own fencing foil, or will they provide one? I wouldn't worry too much about that, Larry.
What he means is, do you think I'd send you to some schlocky Shakespeare camp where you have to bring your own fencing foil? What kind of a mother do you think I am? You're the best, Mom.
Yeah, let's just go with that for now.
Me think you screweth up big time, me lady.
I'm going to go down there and straighten this whole thing out.
Oh, honey, could you give me a ride? Oh, wait, no, you can't, drunky.
Oh, hey, Daddy, what are you up to? Comparison shopping for new car insurance.
You know, they want to raise my rates $200 a month since our little driving incident.
You have anything to say about that, sweetie? Oh, I'm sorry.
Hey, uh, maybe you should cut back on beer to save the money.
I mean, that is how you wound up in this situation in the first place, right? ( chuckles ) All right.
And, yeah, I thought she wouldn't appreciate all you've done for her.
I don't know her at all.
Yes! We won another hand! Yes! Yes! Give it to me.
Yeah.
Oh.
Mm.
Uh.
Uh.
Uh.
Kaching! Kaching! $8,200, Mike.
What are you going to do with your share of the money? I don't know, um, video games, maybe DVDs, candy.
What about you, Dad? Yeah, me, too.
Candy.
Thank you, Dave.
You're welcome, Candy.
Okay, look, I'm gonna level with you.
I forgot to send his application in, and now I feel like the worst mother in the world.
You just got to let him in.
I can't live with the guilt.
Sorry, Mrs.
Gold, I would love to have Larry at Camp To Be Or Not To Be, but unfortunately, for this summer, it's not to be.
Okay.
What if I were to tell you that my son is handicapped? We already have a blind kid and a wheelchair kid.
A disappointed kid just ain't gonna cut it.
( groans ) Hey.
Hey, babe.
This carpooling with Joe is driving me nuts.
All he listens to is the Martha Stewart channel on satellite radio.
For some unknown reason, his car stinks like meatloaf.
You'd think Martha would have a solution for that.
But, uh, I guess not.
Well, here's an idea: Why don't you tell the judge the truth at your hearing, and I bet you get your license back.
I'm not selling out my daughter, all right? I'm her father, I have to protect her, end of story, period.
All right? Now, what's for dinner? Meatloaf.
Oh, look who's home.
Now, maybe we can finally eat.
I tried to get home earlier for you, sweetie, but when Joe was driving home-- you know, 'cause I could no longer legally drive, you know-- we had to pull over because Joe had a charley horse.
And he said, "Hey, Dave, you want to take over here and drive the rest of the way home?" And I said, "No, Joe, I cannot do that," you know? "'Cause I could, uh, no longer legally drive.
" I may not be able to get behind the wheel, but I could still take my daughter on a guilt trip.
What do you think about that, sweetie? I think that maybe next time, you could call and let us know you're gonna be late, so we could start dinner without you.
What are you doing, Daddy? I'm punishing you for something you're gonna do when you're 16.
???? Good morning! I made corned beef hash and eggs and home fries and blueberry pancakes.
Nothing is too good for my favorite son.
What do you want from me, Mom? All right, I need a favor.
I need you to make fun of your brother to the point where he's too embarrassed to go to Shakespeare camp.
Excuse me? You know, you go, "Hey, Larry, Shakespeare camp, huh? Was sex change camp all filled up?" But, you know, in your own style.
Forget it, Mom, I'm not doing that.
Why not? Since when do you care about hurting his feelings? I don't care about hurting his feelings, okay? I'm just not gonna talk him out of leaving the house for two weeks.
That's my summer vacation.
Please don't call our bluff, please don't call our bluff.
Hold your breath.
Why? Just do what I say.
Yes! We won, we won.
Mike? Why is this door locked? MIKE: Uh it's not locked.
Rook to king seven.
Ouch.
In my face.
What's going on? Oh, uh, just chess.
We're playing chess.
Oh.
Please don't call our bluff, please don't call our bluff.
Come on! What's really going on? Nothing's going on.
We're just playing some chess, spending a little time with my son.
You know, even a mother who doesn't understand the idea of sacrificing for her children should understand that.
I'm sure Shakespeare must have written a play about that.
But thanks to you, Larry won't be performing it this summer.
Hey, Hilary, listen.
Your mother and I are going out on Saturday.
I need you to be here from 10:00 to 2:00.
The cable guy's coming.
Why me? You know, 'cause I'm asking you.
Mm.
I can't.
I'm going to my friend Michelle's house on Saturday.
I already have plans.
Oh, well, here's an idea: Why don't you just switch your plans? You know? Instead of you going over there, why doesn't she come over here? You know? You just switch places.
Yeah.
No.
Wait.
Are you kidding me? Are you telling me you won't go a little bit out of your way for me, after everything I've done for you? Is this about the car? Are you screwing with me? Yes, this is about the car, and how I got arrested for you, and how I lost my license for you, and how I have to drive to and from work in Joe's smelly car for you, and how, all this time, your mother's saying how stupid I am for doing all this for you.
I didn't ask you to do any of those things for me.
I could have talked my way out of a ticket.
I'm pretty.
Yeah, and besides, I said thank you.
God, what else do you want from me? How about a little appreciation? You know what? Forget it, okay? I'm done protecting you.
Your mother was right.
And you know what? As a matter of fact, I'm going to court tomorrow, and you're coming with me.
And I'm gonna tell the judge exactly what happened, all right? And if he wants to take away your license, you know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna stand up, and applaud him-- you know why? 'Cause you don't deserve a license, you don't deserve anything.
Yeah, well, thanks a lot! I enjoyed that.
VICKY: I really did.
Especially the part where you said, "Your mother was right.
" Whatever.
Hey, Larry, you know what? You're not going to Shakespeare camp.
You know why? Your mother forgot to send in the application.
What?! Okay, he knows I'm a good mother.
He knows I love him.
I mean, I made one little mistake.
It's not the end of the world.
He'll deal with it.
Okay, okay.
So we're good? Before I sentence you, do you have anything you'd like to say? Yes, Your Honor, as a matter of fact, I do.
There are a few facts involving this case that you are unaware of that I would like to bring to the court's attention.
It just so happens that on the day of the incident, my daughter Um Well, what I was saying is, um I, uh, I deserve everything, um, Your Honor does to me.
Drinking and driving is totally unacceptable under any circumstances.
I could not agree with you more, Mr.
Gold.
The court hereby Excuse me, Your Honor.
My father's innocent.
I was the one who was driving.
But I wasn't drinking.
I saw my friend Max, and I waved, because he's really cute.
We have this thing where we Anyway, um My dad switched seats with me so I wouldn't get in trouble.
But it's only because he cares about me.
See? I knew Hilary appreciates the sacrifices I make for her.
I knew she would do the right thing.
I'm just so proud of her, I don't know I was going to suspend your license for 90 days and fine you $500.
But given these new circumstances, I can no longer do that.
( sighs ): Thank you, Your Honor.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
You are, however guilty of perjury and of falsifying a police report.
JUDGE: The court hereby fines you $5,000.
What the hell is wrong with my daughter? Why couldn't she just keep her mouth shut like every other ungrateful teenager?