The Wild Wild West (1965) s01e22 Episode Script

Don't worry about it, Henrietta.
It's not yours anyway.
robbed.
Stagecoach drivers murdered! Fortunes whisked out of express boxes and bank vaults! And the law terrorized, helpless.
What I am talking about, sisters and brothers, is sin! Red, naked and ugly! Shameful sin, the kind that each and every one of you is steeped in.
That man up there with the bottle, you're pouring sin down your gullet.
You're putting Satan right in your spleen.
I know there's another one up here.
That is the closest you're going to get to heaven, brother.
I tell you, you have tempted the devil, and he has responded! He is playing your game! You, brother, you know the things you hear.
Over half a million dollars in government money stolen in the last two weeks and no clue to the perpetrators.
And those who dare investigate are killed! Murdered in their beds! Their very beds! Oh, the shame of it! The agony you people in this town must bear.
For all the story, the whole scandalous, shameful story of what your sins have brought to your city, you come to my meeting tomorrow morning.
I've got full details right here in the handbills.
There you are, sister.
There you are, brother.
Be sure to read that.
There you go, brother.
There's one for you, too, brother.
And you, sister.
Thank you, very much.
One for you, brother.
There you are, brother.
Read that.
That'll be sure to do you a lot of good.
There you are, brother.
One for you, too.
Now don't go away.
Please, don't go away, folks! Hand that out to your other brethren and sistren, will you? I got a little more for you here.
What I got now, a little entertainment.
For those of you who have dared to brave the dangers of this night, I would like to sing my own original composition entitled "Never Make Friends with The Devil, Brother: His Pitchfork Will Get You in the End.
" Never make friends with the devil, brother Please, please, Miss McCoy, now I have told you 100 times.
As soon as any messages arrive from the prison, I will deliver them to you personally.
You're sure nothing has come for me? Positively.
Now if you'll excuse me, miss, this gentleman is waiting.
Yes, sir? Hi.
My name is Charles Lane.
I believe I have a reservation.
Oh, Mr.
Lane! Well, you're the man from the Bureau of Prisons.
That's right.
Well, how do you do? I'm pleased to meet you.
We've been expecting you, sir.
Now, you're in room 207, and there's a message for you here from Warden Ragan out at the prison.
I guess he heard that you were coming.
I guess.
Oh, uh, we'll get your bags sent right up, sir.
Careful, gently.
Easy.
Oh, watch it.
Be sure it's centered.
We want it right down the middle.
There it is.
Watch it.
Easy.
I couldn't find the bellboy, so I brought it up.
Uh-oh.
I'm afraid our maid drinks a little, but it's a very comfortable bed, Mr.
Lane.
I'm sure you'll sleep soundly.
Mm.
Now, there are towels in the dresser.
Bath down the hall.
Anything else we can do? We aim to please.
No, everything's fine.
Here, thank you.
Ooh, well, my great pleasure.
H-Happy dreams.
Mm-hmm.
Yes? It's Jennifer McCoy, Mr.
Lane.
I'm your neighbor from across the hall.
You're my neighbor from across the hall? That's right.
At my last hotel, my neighbors were three cattle buyers, all of whom snored.
May I come in? Can you come in? By all means.
I insist.
Please, please, come in.
I hope you don't think I'm prying, Mr.
Lane, but I overheard the desk clerk call you "the man from the Bureau of Prisons.
It's very difficult to keep a secret.
Are you? Am I? Am I what? From the Bureau of Prisons? That's right.
I'm an inspector.
Oh.
Then perhaps you can help me.
You see, my poor, darling uncle, my only living relative, the only person left to me, my own blood kin Very clear.
Your uncle.
I'm with you so far.
You see, I only have a day and a half left, and then And then? And then Oh, oh, the poor, dear, misunderstood man.
The cruelty of it all! Is there no justice? No humanity?! No drama critic? What? You are laying it on a little thick, lady.
Well, now you see why I can't get out of the chorus.
I'm a lousy actress.
I'll have to go along with that.
But I do need help.
For your poor, misunderstood uncle, right? Not exactly.
You see, he will be hanged tomorrow, but if anybody ever deserved it, he does.
He's a murderer.
The only trouble is, my father left me a good deal of money in my uncle's keeping, and the rat won't tell me where it is.
And you want me to find out? Well, you're from the Bureau of Prisons.
You could make him talk.
It's a little difficult to put pressure on a condemned man.
There's so little to threaten him with.
Mr.
Lane, I've been in the chorus for seven years.
It's the worst kind of life there is, and that money is my chance to get out, to do something with myself.
Now, please, help me.
Oh, what would you like me to do, torture it out of him? I wouldn't have suggested that, but since Forget it, lady.
You've got the wrong man.
You're just like the rest of them, aren't you? "You scratch my back, and I'll scratch yours.
" My back isn't itching.
That money is mine.
Why won't he give it to me? That's a good question, and I suggest that you ask the warden.
Oh, I already did that when I saw my uncle this morning.
He said he couldn't help me.
Now what should I do? Hmm.
Well, you could think of a way of getting along without the money.
You see, I am just a plain, garden variety prison inspector.
What? But Mr.
Lane No pull, no influence.
You'll have to find someone else to help you with your uncle.
Mr.
Lane, you Good-bye, Miss Miss McCoy! Hmm.
I was better with the cattle buyers.
Mr.
Lane! Surprised to see me? Oh, well, no.
It's just you-you just went up, and to see you coming down so soon Mm.
I'm the restless type.
It didn't work.
He's still alive.
They'll pay for their failure.
Now you do the job.
And if you fail Oh, I-I won't fail.
I won't fail.
Don't.
Lane will die.
Evening, brother.
How are things? Brother.
Yes, it's good to see all so happy.
Evening, brother.
What's the matter, preacher? Oh, no, it's impossible.
What's impossible? What happened to Jack Chancery? The killer? He was hanged.
That's right, he was hanged.
They even had photographs of the hanging, right? Right.
He's dead.
He just walked down the street.
Dead men don't walk down streets.
I certainly hope not.
Speaking of the dead, you've got it easy.
That street preaching is at least safe.
I've been here less than an hour, and someone's tried to kill me twice already.
Well, they failed, I hope.
Barely.
Mm.
Any leads? None.
What about you? No, nothing yet.
Everyone's too terrified.
The town doesn't even want to talk.
You are to blame, sir.
You and every mortal man born in original sin.
I warn you, mend your ways, sir.
Mend your ways or woe be unto you.
Woe, oh, woe be unto you.
I see that you're wearing my little gadget.
That's very smart.
Yeah, if it works, it's smart.
You were saying? Criminal element around here doesn't know anything about it.
I'll stake my life on that.
There's one thing.
For appearance sakes, I'm going to have to go out to the prison.
The warden has sent me a note saying that the place was mine.
How nice.
Just what you've always wanted- a prison of your own.
Mm.
Oh, there's a girl.
Of course.
Her name is Jennifer McCoy.
For some reason, I feel she's involved in this.
You keep an eye on her.
Just an eye? I have so much more to offer.
Happy sermons, preacher.
Yes, you ought to listen to one of my sermons.
It wouldn't help.
It wouldn't hurt.
That's a good one.
Hey, did you get that one, honey? I don't oh, you devil, you.
Hey, Kitten, Kitten.
Aw, that's great.
Oh, you boys.
Marvelous.
Fine year, fine year.
What are you boys so happy about? Why shouldn't we be happy? Everything went well, huh? That's right.
Well, I'm glad you think so.
The boss doesn't.
Come on, he's waiting to see you.
Come on.
What do you mean, "waiting"? When I say "come on," I mean come on.
Mr.
Lane? Mr.
Lane, are you all right? Mr.
Lane, are you in there?! Mr.
Lane?! Mr.
Lane, wake up! Mr.
Lane? Are you all right? Mr.
Lane? Mr.
Lane.
Oh, what a stupid thing to do.
Going to sleep with the gas turned on and the flame out.
You see anyone around my room since I left? No.
Maybe the desk clerk.
Nobody.
I owe you one.
Well, you can show me your gratitude by I know, by seeing your uncle.
All right.
You've earned it.
Oh! You darling, darling man.
Oh, you've noticed.
By saving my life, you may have caused trouble for yourself.
What kind of trouble? I don't know, but if anything happens and I'm not around, go see the street preacher.
Street preacher? What can he do? You'd be surprised what this particular preacher can do.
Visiting day's at the end of the month, mister.
How sociable.
Oh, Inspector Lane.
We've been waiting for you.
Gonna look us over, huh? I hope it doesn't inconvenience you.
Well, if you've been in this business awhile, you're in for a few surprises.
Warden Ragan's got a lot of funny ideas.
Come on this way, Inspector.
Open up.
Inspector Lane.
Excuse me, Warden Ragan, sir.
This is Inspector Lane from Territorial Prison.
Mr.
Lane, it's a pleasure to have you here.
It's my pleasure, Warden.
Thank you, Chief.
Yes, sir.
I find that painting has a therapeutic effect on my prisoners.
It's part of my rehabilitation program.
Hey, Warden.
Yes, Mr.
Poindexter? What do you think, maybe just a little bit too much puce in the landscape? Well, perhaps.
Maybe you could use just a touch of, uh cadmium yellow.
Gee, thanks, Warden.
Why didn't I think of that? Uh, painting makes them forget their personal troubles, if you follow me.
Well, now, Mr.
Lane, what's first? I'm interested in seeing a prisoner, a Gideon McCoy.
Oh, Gideon.
Uh, poor fellow.
Uh, sad case.
So I understand, Warden.
His, uh, his niece came to see him yesterday.
Uh, psychologically, one more visitor might be just the thing for the poor fellow.
I only wish there was more I could do for him.
You don't have much time left, do you? Uh, precisely.
You see, I'm against capital punishment.
It's, uh it's the tragedy of our time.
I assume that's being built for McCoy.
On the contrary, it's being torn down.
Our government and what passes for its wisdom, has developed a new means of legal murder.
"Legal murder"? That's all an execution is in my opinion.
'Course you probably are interested in the device.
Would you like to see it now? A new instrument for an execution's the last thing I'd be interested in.
But I am here to inspect everything, after I see McCoy.
Well, come with me.
McCoy, you got a visitor.
Mr.
Lane from the Bureau of Prisons.
I was sent by your niece, Jennifer.
Jennifer? Oh.
Poor, pretty, dear little Jennifer.
She's the last of my blood kin that's alive.
How is she? She's fine.
Lane, I loved her like my own daughter.
She she used to call me "Uncle Giddy.
" About the money What money? The money her father gave you to keep for her.
Well, I-I ain't got nothing.
Don't you think I'd give it to her if I did? They're killing me in the morning.
I ain't got no use for it.
How long have you been here, Mr.
McCoy? Three months.
Pretty near four.
I see.
Jailer.
Listen, Lane, please.
Can't you help me? Please, I never killed nobody! Please, help me! I can't do a thing for you.
Are you satisfied? If that man's been in there for four months, how do you explain his deep suntan and his freshly manicured fingernails? You seen a little too much, mister.
Hey! He's with McCoy! Welcome to the club, Mr.
Lane.
Look at you, you poor man.
Sunk down in your sins.
Lost to the world.
And besides, you're going to have a terrible hangover.
Excuse me, sir.
Well Yes, miss? Are you the street preacher? Minister to the fallen.
Uh, saver of souls, yes, that's me.
Mr.
Lane said I should look you up in case I needed help.
Oh, uh yes.
Come with me, please.
You're Miss McCoy? Jennifer McCoy.
Oh, what a lovely name- Jennifer.
Yes, I've always been very partial to Jennifers.
Will you help me? For you, Jennifer, anything.
Who do I have to kill, huh? How did you know? Hmm? How did you know? I beg your pardon? That man right there.
Well, I-I admit that he doesn't look like very much, but isn't that a little drastic? You don't really have to kill him.
Oh, well, that's a help.
Uh, who is he? Mr.
Scroggs.
My uncle told me all about him.
Your uncle? Gideon.
Gideon McCoy.
He's going to be executed tomorrow at the territorial prison.
Ah, and that's the executioner.
Just, uh, what is it you want done with Mr.
Scroggs? Well, take him, put him someplace and keep him there.
That way he won't be able to show up tomorrow.
That's very sound thinking, Miss McCoy.
But, uh, I think I may have an even better idea.
Allow me? Mr.
B.
wants to see you.
I'm not feeling very sociable.
Up! I wish you hadn't been so observant of Mr.
McCoy.
You're causing me all sorts of problems.
Delighted.
I'm afraid we won't be able to let you leave now that you've found out that I give preferential treatment to some of my prisoners.
In exchange for a few favors.
Like robbing banks and pay trains.
Mr.
Lane, in my custody are many of the most efficient outlaws in the country.
It would be a shame to let such talent go to waste.
You know you can't get away with it, don't you? We have a half-million dollars already.
In a few months, we'll have a million.
We just divide it and go our separate ways.
Why you telling him all this? Because he's a literate man.
But I'm sure Mr.
Lane realizes his hours in this vale of tears are slowly drawing to an end.
I was wondering when you'd get around to that.
Very soon.
But you're fortunate, because this evening we have some entertainment scheduled.
Won't you join us? Oh, I'm afraid I can't attend.
You see, my social schedule is all I'm sure we can rearrange your social calendar.
Uh, won't you join us? Shall we go? Move Mr.
Driscoll to the old wing.
Mr.
Borg and Mr.
Driscoll bungled a small assignment I gave them.
For that reason, they were assigned the first portion of this evening's entertainment.
Mr.
Borg, you are restored to your former rights and privileges.
Thank you, Warden.
Mr.
Lane, after you.
Way to go, Borg.
It was really a good fight.
Thank you.
Uncouth a bit brutal perhaps.
Mr.
Quincannon.
Will you step into the ring and strip down, please? He's quite a sight, isn't he? He's what I'd call husky, yeah.
Mr.
West you have many enemies.
Quite a few of them ended up here.
Shall we make them happy? Into the ring, please.
Mr.
West.
Many of you have reason to remember the secret agent, James West.
He happens to be here among us this evening.
Mr.
West has offered to assist us with this evening's entertainment.
Kindly remove your jacket and your shirt, Mr.
West.
The rules are the same- none at all.
Good luck to you, Mr.
West.
Boo! Boo! Quiet, quiet, quiet.
Quiet.
Very well done, Mr.
West.
You are formidable.
I drink a lot of milk.
All of our victors are rewarded, and you shall not be an exception.
I have in mind a signal honor.
I'll bet you have.
A very great honor.
Tomorrow morning, our friend and companion, Mr.
Gideon McCoy is to be executed.
Poor Gideon.
Gee, Willy.
A very great loss.
Now, why should we lose our friend when we have an enemy so conveniently at hand? And since the executioner has never seen Mr.
McCoy, why not give him the McCoy we choose? The wrong McCoy.
Yeah! Congratulations, Mr.
West.
You will be the first man in history to die in the electric chair.
Yeah! Yeah, that's it.
Yes, sir, I know a kindred soul when I see one.
The minute I laid eyes on you, I said to myself, Threadneedle, there goes your kind of man.
A real live wire.
You really think so? Yes, sir.
I have Uh, what line did you say you were in? Uh electrical research, you might say.
Oh, a fine, growing field.
You know, a good man could make a real killing in that.
It's possible.
Yes.
Ol' ulcer's, doctor's best friend.
Hey, that's Lillian Russell there.
Lillian Russell? I don't see Lillian Russell.
Oh, no, it's just a cowboy.
I'm sorry.
It's the lights, you know- my eyes.
He did walk like her, though.
Well here's to crime.
Oh, I'll drink to that.
You know, it's a wonderful feeling.
A really wonderful feeling having a real friend Mr? What's your name? Uh, Threadneedle.
Jeremiah P.
Threadneedle.
I travel in ladies' corsets.
Travel in corsets.
Corsets, corsets.
Ah, of course you're perfectly right, you know.
There's nothing like friendship.
Especially for me.
People don't realize how important my job is.
I do.
Electricity? Great stuff, electricity.
It's got a shocking future.
Th-That's a joke.
I got it, I got it.
I'm doing scientific research.
Do you know what I am? I'm the first electrocutioner.
No.
I got plenty of time.
Got a very important pa fro fr I'm mean, a profame profromis today.
Well, there's nothing like really fine liquor, huh? Wonderful stuff.
I could drink this stuff all night.
I hope you'll excuse me.
I've got a pretty important proformis myself.
From the literature I received, this will be quite painless, Mr.
West.
I just hate to sit while everyone else is stand Get ahold of that man! Get him! Get him in this Get him in that chair.
Strap him! Good fit, I trust? It's a little tight on the wrists.
Won't be for long.
He's at the front gate, Warden.
Uh, start the generators.
We will be the witnesses for the government.
The government will appreciate that.
It's very important, Mr.
West, that Excuse me, Mr.
McCoy.
We must not confuse the executioner.
He's here, sir.
Gag him.
Have the executioner come in.
Running three minutes late.
Prisoner's ready.
Do your duty, executioner.
Not without a check first.
There's nothing as messy as amateur work.
Well, let's get on with it.
Oh, that's good, that's good.
Very good.
You know, a gag won't really be necessary.
He will not have time to scream.
The gag is necessary.
This man was very abusive.
Will you get on with your duty? Warden, I know my duty as well as do you, believe me.
You cannot rush these scientific matters.
They have to be handled in the appropriate time and appropriate Warden, what is the meaning of this? Meaning of what? What's the matter? Here, you see that anode in there? Now look at the cathode on the other side.
You notice the two connect Tell them they make one move, I'll fry you like a pot of chicken.
Don't move! Now get him out of that chair.
Get him out! Get him out! What kept you so long? Listen, you think it's easy getting up before dawn? Hey! Stop! Stop! The generator.
No, you aren't.
My last guest room was a dungeon.
Well, congratulations.
Then this is a step up.
Mm, considerable step.
Remember that stuff you whipped up a few months ago? What, the metal solvent? You bet I do.
I just happen to have some.
Oh, beautiful.
James, my boy, stone walls may possibly a prison make, but iron bars not necessarily a cage.
Planning a trip, Warden? You astonish me, Mr.
West.
Someday you must tell me how you do it.
But not right now.
Really, you weary me.
Even if you had executed me, someone else would have taken my place.
Which is exactly why I'm taking these pretty little green personal belongings along with me.
Whatever happens, I have to be on my way.
They'll get you.
I'll be dead.
Back back.
There.
That connects with three tons of dynamite in the central store room.
In 20 minutes, the entire prison will be destroyed.
With everyone in it.
Everyone.
And who's to say that one of the bodies that is taken out is not mine? Then you won't have to share your half-million dollars.
I'm a charitable man except with money.
Forgive me but I can't tarry with that timer on.
I'm going to regard this as an act of mercy I'm afraid I'm going to have to delay your trip.
Turn that timer off.
I can't.
Where are the explosives? In the central storage room, but we don't have time.
I'm not going to let the men in this prison die.
You're going to take me there.
No.
All right.
We'll wait.
All right, I'll take you there.
This is as far as we go, gentlemen.
Look around you.
A little protection against a mass escape.
You constantly prove your value to me, Mr.
Kross.
Put these men in a cell and see that they don't escape this time.
They get away again, it'll be over my dead body.
I'm inclined to agree with you.
I'm going into town.
You're in charge for a short time.
I'll hold the place down.
You want to bet? You shut up, you.
Now get moving.
You heard him, Artie.
That's what he said.
Mm-hmm.
Oh, no.
Not again.
The central storeroom.
Shall we continue? There isn't time.
Now.
And if anybody so much as points a gun at me, I'm going to kill you.
We'll never make it.
Not if we stand here arguing.
Let's go.
Got about ten seconds left.
Almost enough time to take a nap.
That's it.
Now we're going out that main gate, and if anything goes wrong, I'm going to blow a hole through you.
Open the gate.
I'm taking these men into town.
But Mr.
Kross said I don't care what he said! Open the gate.
Uh, but I I'm the warden here.
Sound the alarm.
I'm sorry, sir.
Open the gate! Yes, sir.
Yes, sir.
Sound the alarm! Well, it's about time.
What are you complaining about? At least you got some fresh air.
You brought the warden.
How nice.
Good evening, Warden.
Oh, shut up.
Hyah! Hyah! Hyah! I'm afraid I've got some bad news for you.
Your uncle is really going to be executed this time.
But my money! That's what I like about this girl- she is filled with compassion, Artemus.
Ah, what do you want? Nobody's perfect.
I'm entitled to it.
I can't bear to see a woman cry.
This key is the key to a safety deposit 1-9-3-5.
And you'll note the name of the bank is on the key.
Oh, you did it.
I don't want to say anything, but, uh, I helped.
Oh, thank you.
Thank you.
You're certainly welcome.
Yes, you've made my whole day.
Now you've got enough money to do anything you like.
That's right, I have but what I want to do most of all doesn't take any money.
I refer to a good night's sleep.
Good night, gentlemen, and thank you.
Oh, yeah.
Good night.
Now, Artemus, you were in that town for some time.
I'm sure if you were up to your usual snooping, you've got nothing but addresses, right? Uh, yes, as a matter of fact I do, I do.
Let's see, now, I have, um there's Tanglefoot John at 333 East Street, Robert Merchants; he's drunk at 19 Oak, Elbert P.
Forthright; he used to beat his wife, Frank Perkins; he drinks a lot.
Artemus.
Hmm? Forget it.
Just trying to help, that's all.