Who's the Boss? (1984) s01e22 Episode Script

Yes.
Oh, hi, Ms.
Wittner.
- Hi, Tony.
Is Angela home? - Yeah.
Come on in.
Let me get her for you on the intercom.
Yo, Angela! Ms.
Wittner's here.
- She'll be right down.
- Thanks.
Wendy? - Oh, sweetie, how are you? - I'm good.
How are you? Good.
Good.
What's up? IsabeI and I are going to Taco Loco for dinner.
Wanna join us? Taco Loco so that's where it is.
What? Every year, my mother throws me a surprise birthday party.
Now you know and I know, and now you know I know.
What do you have to say about that? Oh, it's your birthday.
I'm so sorry.
I forgot.
Oh, weak, Wendy.
Weak.
Well, if there is a party, I wasn't invited and if it turns out you weren't either, you'll know where to find us.
I will be with the mariachis singing " Lady of Spain.
" Oh, Wendy.
You slay me.
Oh, that's so great.
Angela? - Angela, I need your help.
- Yes? Which of these do you like? I've got a date tonight.
- Right, a date.
Where are you going? - To the Oingo Boingo concert.
Oingo Boingo, huh? I suppose the kids really are going to be spending the night in Brooklyn? - Yeah.
- With Mrs.
Rossini? Yeah.
Angela, what is the matter with you? - Hi, kids.
- Mom, me and Samantha are all packed.
Suitcases.
That's a very nice touch.
I suppose Mrs.
Rossini's gonna be here any minute to pick you up.
That's the plan.
We're gonna go outside and flag her down.
Grass and trees confuse her.
I'm off to the Y.
I'm gonna shoot some hoops.
Hey.
Yeah, you're gonna play basketball dressed like that? No, Angela.
When I get to the gym, I'm gonna change into sweats.
- A likely story.
What's in the bag? - Sweats.
- And there's air in the ball.
- Oh, that's great.
You'd better keep an eye on her, Mona.
Hey, did you like that, huh? Look what I found.
- Mrs.
Rossini! - Tony! Sorry.
Don't tell me.
She's so liberated she got you pregnant.
Angela.
Mrs.
Rossini.
What are you doing here? Taking the kids for the night.
Remember? We talked about it on the phone.
And she runs an advertising agency.
- Kids, we gotta go.
- Don't you wanna see my room? Can I see it tomorrow? Joey's gotta get the fish truck back by 6:00.
- Bye, Mom.
- Come on, Jonathan.
- I've gotta go too.
- Bye, Grandma! Hey, Mona, keep an eye on her.
They really are going.
She really did drive to Connecticut.
That really is a fish truck.
There really isn't a party.
- Hey.
Hey, Jeff.
- What? Good hands.
Good hands.
No wonder we buried you today.
Next week, Micelli, we go one-on-one but I gotta warn you, I played varsity at Amherst.
Amherst.
How many other girls were on the team? That's cute.
Excuse me, gentlemen.
We need a couple of guys to do some drinking.
How about it? Don't say a word.
I think this is entrapment.
No we're demonstrating to the locaI teens the effects of drinking on driving.
We're gonna be using the simulator, we need a couple of over-21 volunteers.
Oh, yeah? You got your ID? Listen, I'd like to help you, officer, but I wouldn't be any good.
I don't get drunk too easy.
I'm from Brooklyn.
But if you're serving Pink Ladies, why don't you try him? He's from Amherst.
I could drink you under the table with my jaw wired shut.
- Drink me under the table? - Yeah.
If I didn't have to drive, I'd make you drink your words.
- HystericaI.
- Drink your words.
You like that? Hey, hey, how about both of you do it, huh? We'll arrange for your transportation home.
- Oh, yeah? How much are the drinks? - They're on the State of Connecticut.
Does the governor know about this? Angela, for crying out loud, give me the key.
I've got it.
This might be Angela's surprise party.
Surprise! No party! Wendy, it's not nice to make fun of me.
Sorry.
IsabeI, are you gonna have a drink now or are you gonna be a drag all night? Wendy, I am not a drag.
I'm a doctor, and I'm on call.
I have to be sober and alert in case of an emergency.
Like driving the two of you home from a Mexican restaurant.
Do you know that this is my thirty- birthday and nobody did anything.
What do you mean? I think the waiters at Taco Loco went all out.
I thought that the candles in the refried beans was a nice touch.
Yeah, who cares if your family forgets your birthday as long as Pepe remembers? Pepe! Don't look down, Jeff! Don't look down! Jeff has had four drinks which means that his blood alcohoI content is.
09 percent.
Now, technically, he's still legaI.
But as you can see, his motor skills are calling it quits.
Nobody should drink and drive, but this guy shouldn't even drink and walk.
- Tony? - Me? I thought you'd never ask.
Ho.
Ho.
Ho.
After five drinks, Tony's blood alcohoI is.
12 percent legally drunk in all 50 states.
Now, at these levels, personality and behaviour changes can occur.
Inhibitions are lowered, a person becomes overconfident even cocky.
Nah, he's always like this.
Oh, yeah? You think that's good, watch this.
You know who I think is really cute? The new tennis pro at the club.
- Corbin? - Yeah.
I gave him an emergency appendectomy.
You've seen him naked? Angela, in my business, if you've seen one body, you've seen them all.
Of course, he does have a cute little tush.
You know who else is cute? - Who? - Tony.
Have you seen him naked? No.
Have you? Of course not.
- But you think he's cute, don't you? - He's a fine person.
No, he's thoughtfuI, and he's sensitive and he's very good with Jonathan.
And he's very built too.
Yes, he has his share of muscles.
He's solid.
And responsible.
That's it.
He is the most responsible man I have ever met.
Hey, ladies! Six of them.
- Have you been drinking? - Like a fish.
Hey, you know what happened to me? I went through three red lights, I went through one red barn I got stalled on some railroad tracks, and then I got run over by a train.
I told you he was tough.
IsabeI, IsabeI, now's your chance.
Make him take off his clothes and examine him.
Stop it! I will be the nurse.
Oh, two beeps.
That's an emergency.
Come on, Wendy.
I'll take you home.
Just when it was getting good.
Oh, come on.
Angela, happy birthday.
Thank you.
- Good night, ladies.
- Good night.
- Cute.
- Stop it.
Happy birthday! Did she say " Happy birthday"? Oh, Angela, I forgot your birthday.
How could I have done that? You must feeI awfuI.
Come here.
Wait a minute.
I didn't know it was your birthday because you didn't tell me.
- I didn't? - No.
I tell you what, though, Angela.
I'm gonna go get you a present right now.
A present right now.
I'm gonna go to an after-hours present store.
I can't do that.
I can't do that because of drunk drivers.
I can't drive.
Do you know that 7 percent of all the people on the road account for 33 percent of the serious fatalities? That's right, you know, if you drive and drink you stink.
Oh, Tony, that's very good.
- I made it up myself.
I did.
- Very good.
Tony, you don't have to buy me a present.
Nobody else did.
Yeah, well, I'm gonna do something better than a present.
I'm going into the kitchen to bake you a cake.
Oh, no, Tony, you don't have to do that.
Double fudge with walnuts? You got it, birthday girI.
Come on.
Come on.
Okay.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Tony, this is delicious.
I told Wendy that you were a good cook.
You and Wendy were talking about me? - We were talking about a lot of things.
- Yeah? What'd you say about me? Well, I just told Wendy that I was really glad that I hired you.
That's great, because I'm really glad you hired me too.
This may surprise you but when I was a kid, I never thought I'd grow up to be a housekeeper.
No? Yeah, well anyway, this is the best job I ever had.
- Thank you, Tony.
- Yeah.
You know, I never thought I'd find somebody who Jonathan's a great kid.
And, I got- I got a new best friend in Mona.
And, I got a boss who, who's of course Who's what? She's okay.
I just remembered what I told Wendy about you.
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.
I said that you were - okay.
- Ah, that's nice- Angela, cut that out.
You think that's funny? You think that's funny? Hey, hey, have some flour, huh? Have some flour.
Angela, I'm- I'm sorry.
I'm- I'm- I'm really sorry.
I feeI I feeI faint.
Yeah? - Tony? - Yeah? - Is that an upside-down cake? - No.
Then I'm in big trouble.
- You're just gonna have to lie down.
- Right.
- Angela, not there, not there.
- I like it here.
- No, no, up in your room.
- I can't make it.
I'll help you.
Come on, come on, come on.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
- Tony? - Yeah? This isn't the way Rhett Butler did it.
All right, all right, stand up.
Wait, take it easy.
Take it easy.
- That's more like it.
- Okay.
All right, all right, now.
Easy, easy.
Watch my head.
My head.
- All right, here.
Isn't that better? - Yes, Tony.
Thank you.
- Tony? - Yeah? Wendy was right.
You are cute.
Thank you, Angela.
You're cute too.
Here's your nightgown.
- Tony? - Yeah? - Come here.
- What? Over there? What's the matter, Angela? No, no, no.
Wait, wait, wait, Angela, wait.
I'm gonna hate myself in the morning.
Here.
Great day in the morning.
Angela? Tony? Angela, are you all right? Yes, Mother, I'm fine.
Only please don't shout.
Angela you have a hangover.
Oh, it's the worst.
I'll never do that again.
Angela, what happened in the kitchen? Flour.
I seem to remember doing something with flour.
- Yeah? - Oh, I know.
I was in the kitchen baking a cake.
You baked a cake? - That doesn't sound like you.
- No, it doesn't, does it? Wait a minute, wait a minute.
Let me think.
Oh, now I remember.
Tony came home.
He'd been drinking at the Y.
You mean playing basketball? No, I don't think so.
Anyway, he felt so bad that he missed my birthday that we went into the kitchen to bake a kiss.
- A kiss? - What? What are you talking about? - You said you and Tony baked a kiss.
- No, I didn't, Mother.
I said we went into the kitchen to bake a c- Kiss! Oh, my God, Mother.
I kissed Tony in the kitchen.
Yeah? - Yeah, what? - Yeah, what happened? Well, I'm not sure.
Angela, don't you hold out on me.
I'll use force if I have to.
I'm not holding out on you.
It's just all so foggy.
What happened after you kissed Tony in the kitchen? - Think! Think! Think! - Oh, Mother, stop it.
AII I know is that my head hurts, and my feet hurt and I kissed Tony in the kitchen and- Now, Angela, I'm your mommy.
You can tell me anything.
Well, Mommy, I I remember rolling around on the bed Oh, my God, Mother.
I slept with Tony.
Better than I thought.
Good morning, Tony.
Oh, good morning, Angela.
How are you feeling? Lousy.
As God is my witness, I will never go drinking again.
I've got the thing for you.
Something that'll make you a brand-new woman.
Tomato juice and Tabasco.
That was some night last night, huh? Well, all evidence seems to point in that direction.
Yeah, well, maybe we should talk about it.
Well, Tony, I- I don't really know what to say.
It was all so surreaI.
Does that mean you don't want to talk about it? - You're right.
It's no big deaI, hey.
- No big deaI? Yeah, I mean, it was nice and all that, but, you know.
Nice? Tony, " nice" is hardly the word I would use to describe having Well, you know.
No, I don't know.
What? Sex, all right? We had sex.
We did? No, we didn't.
Angela, I'm not that kind of guy.
All we did was fooI around a little bit in the kitchen.
I beg your pardon? You know, we baked a cake, we threw a little flour we had a little kiss and then I took you up to your room.
Did you slam me into the door? Now you're starting to figure it out.
Yeah, that was me.
Yeah, and then I carried you upstairs and put you to bed.
Oh, so you're saying that all that happened was you kissed me? That's it.
- Better? - Great.
Yeah.
But, just for the record, I didn't kiss you.
You kissed me.
- I did not.
- You did too.
- I did not.
- You did too.
I did not- Well, if I did, which is still in question, I didn't mean it.
Take it from me.
You meant it.
- Well, you seemed to like it.
- Oh, yeah? How would you remember, Ms.
Lost Weekend? You didn't like it? - That's not what I meant.
I- - Yeah, I knew you liked it.
I remembered that.
I guess I was pretty out of it last night.
Well, let's just say we both got a little carried away.
Tony if we both got so carried away, how come you- - I left? - Yeah.
I guess you must have had a lot to drink.
Oh, yeah, I did, but carrying your body upstairs sort of sobered me up.
Well, I guess you had a pretty bad headache.
No, that came later.
What a beauty! - I guess I looked kind of bad.
- Oh, no, you looked really Not bad, not bad.
- I wasn't fishing or anything, Tony.
- Oh, I know that.
It's me here.
It's just that- I mean, if anything ever did happen between us I wouldn't wanna lose you as a friend.
Oh, I wouldn't want to lose you, either - as a friend.
- Yeah.
And another thing.
If- I mean, if we ever did lose each other as friends I'd want you to remember it.
And you would.
So would you.
Mom, Tony? We're home.
Hi! All right! How was Brooklyn? - It was great, Mom.
- Dad, it was just like old times.
We played stickball and everything.
I loved that game.
Jonathan told me it was your birthday so I brought you a little present.
Here.
Drink.
Enjoy.
Thank you, Mrs.
Rossini.
Angela, maybe I should lock this up.
- Hide the key.
- Yeah, I got it.
Come on, Mrs.
Rossini.
I wanna show you my room.
Come on.
Come on.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Are the kids back? I thought I smelled the fish truck.
Yes, they're upstairs.
And? How are the lovebirds this morning? Mother, let me explain something to you.
It seems that I had a slight memory lapse, and I filled in the wrong blanks.
Now, Tony explained the whole thing.
Nothing happened.
And you believed him? For all the girls I loved before It's just an imitation.
I was