Animaniacs (1993) s01e223 Episode Script
Night of the Living Buttons / Soda Jerk / From Burbank with Love / Anchors A-Warners / When You're Traveling...
[.]
ALL: It's time for Animaniacs And we're zany to the max So just sit back and relax You'll laugh Till you collapse We're Animaniacs BOTH: Come join The Warner brothers And the Warner sister, Dot ALL: Just for fun we run around The Warner movie lot They lock us in the tower Whenever we get caught But we break loose And then vamoose And now you know the plot We're Animaniacs Dot is cute and Yakko yaks Wakko packs away the snacks While Bill Clinton Plays the sax We're Animaniacs Meet Pinky and the Brain Who want to rule The universe Goodfeathers flock together Slappy whacks 'em With her purse Buttons chases Mindy While Rita sings a verse The writers flipped We have no script Why bother to rehearse? We're Animaniacs We have pay-or-play Contracts We're zany to the max There's bologna In our slacks We're Animan-y Totally insane-y Here's the show's name-y Animaniacs Those are the facts [.]
[GRUNTING.]
[GRUNTING.]
[.]
[.]
[DOOR OPENS & CLOSES.]
[BUGLING "REVEILLE".]
Are you wakin' me up? Are you wakin' me up? I guess you are, because I am up.
[MEN SOBBING.]
[SHEEP BLEATING.]
Silence! Eh.
Who'd you expect, doc, Warren Beatty? [BARKING BEETHOVEN'S "SYMPHONY NO.
5".]
[.]
Hey, look at this store There's movies galore We've seen them A thousand times over before ALL: And that's why our brains Don't work anymore The Player is a movie About finding Fresh new scripts Like Rambo III and Rocky V And Star Trek number six Eva joined with Zsa Zsa And they formed a sister act But both were unforgiven Because neither one could act The hand that rocked The cradle Once belonged to Hook You see But it got bored And so it joined The Addams family YAKKO: Amadeus was a genius Beethoven was a dog The Muppet Family Christmas Is about a pig and frog DOT: There was a sled named Rosebud And a citizen named Kane He rode it till The snow was melted Now he's singing in the rain WAKKO: The princess bride Got married To the prince of tides Which now makes her dad The Fisher King The father of the bride ALL: And pretty soon You'll find them all Inside the TV Guide Along with the stars You like to see Like Hitchcock and Spielberg And Oliver Stone Shirley MacLaine And Sylvester Stallone Francis Ford Coppola Hepburn and Tracy Robert Zemeckis And Martin Scorsese Clint Eastwood, John Wayne Woody Allen and Mia Robert De Niro And Andy Garcia Sophia Loren, Streisand Joan Crawford Paul Newman, Rock Hudson Spike Lee, Peter Lawford ALL: Jack Nicholson, Brando And Marilyn Monroe And that's all the people We know [ALL PANTING.]
ALL: Hello, nurse! [.]
[SIGHS.]
[SIGHS.]
[GROANS, THEN SCREAMS.]
[SCREAMING.]
BOTH: Excellent.
I'm the mightiest duck of all.
Says who, you diaper-clad upstart? [BOTH COUGHING.]
Say the secret word and the ducks come down.
Oh, no! Yakko! Is there a doctor in the house? ALL: Take two aspirin, and call us in the morning.
Relax, I'm fine.
[GROWLING.]
[ROARS.]
Relatively speaking.
[GROWLING.]
Whoa.
Tsk, tsk, tsk.
You haven't been flossing.
Oh? When's the last time you went to the dentist, young man? These teeth need cleaning.
[BELCHES.]
[ROARING.]
Better give him the bill later.
Hey, give that back.
[.]
[STOMPING.]
[BOTH WHINNY.]
[ROARS.]
Charge.
[ROARS.]
Retreat.
[BUGLE PLAYING "TAPS".]
Leave them alone, man.
[ROARS.]
[SCREAMS.]
[ALL SPITTING.]
Let's drop a sandbag on him.
I got a better idea.
Come on.
Let's drop a bomb.
[ROARING.]
Bombs away! [.]
[GROWLING.]
[LAUGHS.]
Guess we showed him.
[ROARS.]
[GROANS.]
Maybe not.
DOT: I wanna drive.
YAKKO: No, I'm driving.
WAKKO: I never get to drive.
[ALL SCREAMING.]
[GROWLING.]
Fire.
Definitely, definitely fire.
[THUNDER CRASHES.]
[GROWLING.]
[ROARING.]
[ALL CHEERING.]
Yippee! [.]
ALL: We're glad the dinosaur Is gone He was an easy mark But if we ever miss him We can rent Jurassic Park So when it comes to clunkers Like The Babe Or like Presidio Don't pay 7.
50 Just catch 'em on home video As for us, it's bye-bye time So long, now toodle-oo We've had quite enough Of this Video revue [.]
Gee, Brain, what do you wanna do tonight? The same thing we do every night, Pinky.
Try to take over the world.
They're Pinky and the Brain They're Pinky and the Brain One is a genius The other's insane To prove their mousy worth They'll overthrow the Earth They're dinky They're Pinky and the Brain Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain [.]
[.]
At last, I've done it.
I've finished.
The end.
The Time Machine by H.
G.
Wells.
Too bad it's just science fiction and not science fact.
[.]
I suppose there are some things that man cannot meddle with.
BRAIN: Perhaps man cannot, my dear Mr.
Wells, but mouse can.
[.]
Come, Pinky.
Time to put my plan into action.
[PANTING.]
Just a sec, Brain.
I think I'm finally getting somewhere.
BRAIN: By utilizing invisible forces of nature, we shall make this time machine work.
But how, Brain? With this.
Um, Brain, it's not quite invisible, is it? See, I can see it quite plainly.
[GRUNTS.]
I can even feel it.
This paper clip [GRUNTS.]
will serve as an antenna, grabbing neutrinos from the cosmos-- [GRUNTS.]
--and providing ignition for this craft.
Astonishin', Brain.
Um, will it also roast marshmallows? [WHIMPERS.]
Actually, it might.
But first, we shall travel back to the primordial era, alter the course of evolution, and then return to the present to a world dominated not by humans, but by mice.
And they shall choose me as their leader.
Egad, Brain.
Brilliant! Oh.
Oh, wait.
No, no.
Um, why will they pick you? Because I'm very likable.
[TIME MACHINE WHIRRING.]
Now, Pinky, let us begin a journey that will end [ECHOING.]
when mice rule the Earth.
A house divided cannot stand.
Let them eat cake.
I came, I saw, I conquered.
Here we are, Pinky, at the dawn of time.
[.]
[YAWNS.]
Narf, Brain.
Wake me at the noon of time.
[PLAYS RIMSHOT.]
What was that? Engine knock.
Behold, Pinky.
Our ancient prehistoric ancestor.
[SQUEALING.]
Uh.
[GIBBERS.]
This is a crucial time in the development of our two species.
PINKY: What, lunch? BRAIN: We will teach the prehistoric mice how to leap up and grab the best food.
They will eat it and grow strong, leaving the crumbs for mankind.
Our ancestors will prevail.
Narf! Whoo! These are fun, Brain! Wee! Narf! Poit! D'oh! Eee! Ah! Aie! Doi! Poit! D'oh! [GRUNTS.]
Pinky, cease and desist.
Unhand me, you future Neanderthal.
[GRUNTS.]
[GRUNTS.]
[MICE GRUNTING.]
[GRUNTS.]
[GRUNTS.]
Where are we going now, Brain? BRAIN: Forward, to another key evolutionary moment, after a brief stopover in 1853.
Why 1853, Brain? Because, Pinky, that's when aspirin was invented.
[.]
Pinky, if mice have weapons before man, they can rule the bearded bipeds.
We must demonstrate this to our ancestors.
Right.
With this charming selection, you'll just wow them at the cookout.
And the tops are removable for easy cleaning.
Narf.
[GROANING.]
Some mice have more evolving to do than others.
Observe how technology triumphs.
We're too late.
[.]
All is not lost, Pinky.
We can still travel forward to the next key moment in mouse evolution.
Then we will return to a time when-- Oh, oh, oh, can I say it this time, Brain? Oh, all right.
PINKY [ECHOING.]
: When mice rule the Earth! If mice are first to control fire, they will rise above mankind.
Look, primitive Neolithic rodents.
Look and learn.
One of the primal forces of nature.
That would be pain.
Yeah.
No, Pinky, fire.
Show them how to make fire.
Oh, right.
Of course.
Ahem.
Okay, first then, you take this thingy here, right? And then this thingy here, and you smash 'em together like this: Poit.
Egad, Brain.
I did it.
I discovered fire.
Yes.
Oh! [SCREAMING.]
Oh, blessed relief.
[GASPS.]
[.]
[TRUMPETS.]
Narf.
Here, you try.
I'm comin', Brain! Narf.
Poit.
Oooga-booga! [ROARS.]
Ooga-booga! Narf! [WHIMPERING.]
Zounds, I guess I saved you, Brain.
Actually, Pinky, that woolly mammoth was the only thing keeping the saber-toothed tiger at bay.
[TIGER GROWLING.]
Look, Pinky.
We've succeeded.
They've learned to make fire.
[ROARS.]
[GROWLING.]
PINKY: We made it, Brain.
Yes, Pinky.
Let us return to 1895.
[.]
[GASPS.]
Egad, Brain.
We're giant mice.
Pinky, are you pondering what I'm pondering? I think so, Brain, but culottes have a tendency to ride up so.
No, Pinky.
We're not giants.
We're just the same.
It's the world that's changed.
For I have created a new world, a mouse world, a perfect world.
Narf.
Poit.
Egad.
Poit, narf, egad.
Poit, narf.
MOUSE 1: Narf.
MOUSE 2: Poit.
MOUSE 3: Egad.
MOUSE 4: Zoit.
MOUSE 5: Zounds.
MOUSE 6: Poit.
MOUSE 7: Egad.
MOUSE 8: Poit.
MOUSE 9: Zounds.
MOUSE 10: Narf.
MOUSE 11: Poit.
MOUSE 12: Egad.
[BANGING.]
Quickly, Pinky.
We must return to the past.
I must change it all back again.
But why, Brain? It'd be easy to rule a world of mice like them.
[BANGING ON DOOR.]
MOUSE 13: Poit.
MOUSE 14: Egad.
MOUSE 15: Zoit.
MOUSE 16: Zort.
Yes, Pinky, but who would want to? MOUSE 17: Narf.
MOUSE 18: Poit.
MOUSE 19: Egad.
MOUSE 20: Poit.
MOUSE 20: Zounds.
They're dinky They're Pinky And the Brain Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain [.]
Whoa, Wakko, Dot, hold up.
Why? It's that time again.
Oh, no.
Not the Wheel of Morality.
Afraid so.
It's time to learn the moral of today's story.
[BOTH SOBBING.]
No! No! Hey, come on.
The Wheel of Morality adds boring educational value to what would otherwise be an almost entirely entertaining program.
But the morals make no sense.
It's totally bogus.
Who came up with this stupid Wheel of Morality idea, anyway? The execs at the Fox Kids Network.
Oh.
[CHUCKLES.]
They did? What a great idea.
Yeah, I love the Wheel of Morality.
So Wheel of Morality Turn, turn, turn Tell us the lesson That we should learn And the moral of today's show is win a free trip to Tahiti.
ALL: We won, we won, we won, we won! [WHISTLE BLOWS.]
ALL: Yike! [.]
[APPLAUSE.]
WARNERS: We're so sad We've no more time together Just to drop an anvil On your head And stuff your pockets Full of dynamite Then tie you To a rhino's head [APPLAUSE.]
Good night, everybody! Bye! Spoil your dinner.
[.]
ALL: Ciao, America.
ALL: It's time for Animaniacs And we're zany to the max So just sit back and relax You'll laugh Till you collapse We're Animaniacs BOTH: Come join The Warner brothers And the Warner sister, Dot ALL: Just for fun we run around The Warner movie lot They lock us in the tower Whenever we get caught But we break loose And then vamoose And now you know the plot We're Animaniacs Dot is cute and Yakko yaks Wakko packs away the snacks While Bill Clinton Plays the sax We're Animaniacs Meet Pinky and the Brain Who want to rule The universe Goodfeathers flock together Slappy whacks 'em With her purse Buttons chases Mindy While Rita sings a verse The writers flipped We have no script Why bother to rehearse? We're Animaniacs We have pay-or-play Contracts We're zany to the max There's bologna In our slacks We're Animan-y Totally insane-y Here's the show's name-y Animaniacs Those are the facts [.]
[GRUNTING.]
[GRUNTING.]
[.]
[.]
[DOOR OPENS & CLOSES.]
[BUGLING "REVEILLE".]
Are you wakin' me up? Are you wakin' me up? I guess you are, because I am up.
[MEN SOBBING.]
[SHEEP BLEATING.]
Silence! Eh.
Who'd you expect, doc, Warren Beatty? [BARKING BEETHOVEN'S "SYMPHONY NO.
5".]
[.]
Hey, look at this store There's movies galore We've seen them A thousand times over before ALL: And that's why our brains Don't work anymore The Player is a movie About finding Fresh new scripts Like Rambo III and Rocky V And Star Trek number six Eva joined with Zsa Zsa And they formed a sister act But both were unforgiven Because neither one could act The hand that rocked The cradle Once belonged to Hook You see But it got bored And so it joined The Addams family YAKKO: Amadeus was a genius Beethoven was a dog The Muppet Family Christmas Is about a pig and frog DOT: There was a sled named Rosebud And a citizen named Kane He rode it till The snow was melted Now he's singing in the rain WAKKO: The princess bride Got married To the prince of tides Which now makes her dad The Fisher King The father of the bride ALL: And pretty soon You'll find them all Inside the TV Guide Along with the stars You like to see Like Hitchcock and Spielberg And Oliver Stone Shirley MacLaine And Sylvester Stallone Francis Ford Coppola Hepburn and Tracy Robert Zemeckis And Martin Scorsese Clint Eastwood, John Wayne Woody Allen and Mia Robert De Niro And Andy Garcia Sophia Loren, Streisand Joan Crawford Paul Newman, Rock Hudson Spike Lee, Peter Lawford ALL: Jack Nicholson, Brando And Marilyn Monroe And that's all the people We know [ALL PANTING.]
ALL: Hello, nurse! [.]
[SIGHS.]
[SIGHS.]
[GROANS, THEN SCREAMS.]
[SCREAMING.]
BOTH: Excellent.
I'm the mightiest duck of all.
Says who, you diaper-clad upstart? [BOTH COUGHING.]
Say the secret word and the ducks come down.
Oh, no! Yakko! Is there a doctor in the house? ALL: Take two aspirin, and call us in the morning.
Relax, I'm fine.
[GROWLING.]
[ROARS.]
Relatively speaking.
[GROWLING.]
Whoa.
Tsk, tsk, tsk.
You haven't been flossing.
Oh? When's the last time you went to the dentist, young man? These teeth need cleaning.
[BELCHES.]
[ROARING.]
Better give him the bill later.
Hey, give that back.
[.]
[STOMPING.]
[BOTH WHINNY.]
[ROARS.]
Charge.
[ROARS.]
Retreat.
[BUGLE PLAYING "TAPS".]
Leave them alone, man.
[ROARS.]
[SCREAMS.]
[ALL SPITTING.]
Let's drop a sandbag on him.
I got a better idea.
Come on.
Let's drop a bomb.
[ROARING.]
Bombs away! [.]
[GROWLING.]
[LAUGHS.]
Guess we showed him.
[ROARS.]
[GROANS.]
Maybe not.
DOT: I wanna drive.
YAKKO: No, I'm driving.
WAKKO: I never get to drive.
[ALL SCREAMING.]
[GROWLING.]
Fire.
Definitely, definitely fire.
[THUNDER CRASHES.]
[GROWLING.]
[ROARING.]
[ALL CHEERING.]
Yippee! [.]
ALL: We're glad the dinosaur Is gone He was an easy mark But if we ever miss him We can rent Jurassic Park So when it comes to clunkers Like The Babe Or like Presidio Don't pay 7.
50 Just catch 'em on home video As for us, it's bye-bye time So long, now toodle-oo We've had quite enough Of this Video revue [.]
Gee, Brain, what do you wanna do tonight? The same thing we do every night, Pinky.
Try to take over the world.
They're Pinky and the Brain They're Pinky and the Brain One is a genius The other's insane To prove their mousy worth They'll overthrow the Earth They're dinky They're Pinky and the Brain Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain [.]
[.]
At last, I've done it.
I've finished.
The end.
The Time Machine by H.
G.
Wells.
Too bad it's just science fiction and not science fact.
[.]
I suppose there are some things that man cannot meddle with.
BRAIN: Perhaps man cannot, my dear Mr.
Wells, but mouse can.
[.]
Come, Pinky.
Time to put my plan into action.
[PANTING.]
Just a sec, Brain.
I think I'm finally getting somewhere.
BRAIN: By utilizing invisible forces of nature, we shall make this time machine work.
But how, Brain? With this.
Um, Brain, it's not quite invisible, is it? See, I can see it quite plainly.
[GRUNTS.]
I can even feel it.
This paper clip [GRUNTS.]
will serve as an antenna, grabbing neutrinos from the cosmos-- [GRUNTS.]
--and providing ignition for this craft.
Astonishin', Brain.
Um, will it also roast marshmallows? [WHIMPERS.]
Actually, it might.
But first, we shall travel back to the primordial era, alter the course of evolution, and then return to the present to a world dominated not by humans, but by mice.
And they shall choose me as their leader.
Egad, Brain.
Brilliant! Oh.
Oh, wait.
No, no.
Um, why will they pick you? Because I'm very likable.
[TIME MACHINE WHIRRING.]
Now, Pinky, let us begin a journey that will end [ECHOING.]
when mice rule the Earth.
A house divided cannot stand.
Let them eat cake.
I came, I saw, I conquered.
Here we are, Pinky, at the dawn of time.
[.]
[YAWNS.]
Narf, Brain.
Wake me at the noon of time.
[PLAYS RIMSHOT.]
What was that? Engine knock.
Behold, Pinky.
Our ancient prehistoric ancestor.
[SQUEALING.]
Uh.
[GIBBERS.]
This is a crucial time in the development of our two species.
PINKY: What, lunch? BRAIN: We will teach the prehistoric mice how to leap up and grab the best food.
They will eat it and grow strong, leaving the crumbs for mankind.
Our ancestors will prevail.
Narf! Whoo! These are fun, Brain! Wee! Narf! Poit! D'oh! Eee! Ah! Aie! Doi! Poit! D'oh! [GRUNTS.]
Pinky, cease and desist.
Unhand me, you future Neanderthal.
[GRUNTS.]
[GRUNTS.]
[MICE GRUNTING.]
[GRUNTS.]
[GRUNTS.]
Where are we going now, Brain? BRAIN: Forward, to another key evolutionary moment, after a brief stopover in 1853.
Why 1853, Brain? Because, Pinky, that's when aspirin was invented.
[.]
Pinky, if mice have weapons before man, they can rule the bearded bipeds.
We must demonstrate this to our ancestors.
Right.
With this charming selection, you'll just wow them at the cookout.
And the tops are removable for easy cleaning.
Narf.
[GROANING.]
Some mice have more evolving to do than others.
Observe how technology triumphs.
We're too late.
[.]
All is not lost, Pinky.
We can still travel forward to the next key moment in mouse evolution.
Then we will return to a time when-- Oh, oh, oh, can I say it this time, Brain? Oh, all right.
PINKY [ECHOING.]
: When mice rule the Earth! If mice are first to control fire, they will rise above mankind.
Look, primitive Neolithic rodents.
Look and learn.
One of the primal forces of nature.
That would be pain.
Yeah.
No, Pinky, fire.
Show them how to make fire.
Oh, right.
Of course.
Ahem.
Okay, first then, you take this thingy here, right? And then this thingy here, and you smash 'em together like this: Poit.
Egad, Brain.
I did it.
I discovered fire.
Yes.
Oh! [SCREAMING.]
Oh, blessed relief.
[GASPS.]
[.]
[TRUMPETS.]
Narf.
Here, you try.
I'm comin', Brain! Narf.
Poit.
Oooga-booga! [ROARS.]
Ooga-booga! Narf! [WHIMPERING.]
Zounds, I guess I saved you, Brain.
Actually, Pinky, that woolly mammoth was the only thing keeping the saber-toothed tiger at bay.
[TIGER GROWLING.]
Look, Pinky.
We've succeeded.
They've learned to make fire.
[ROARS.]
[GROWLING.]
PINKY: We made it, Brain.
Yes, Pinky.
Let us return to 1895.
[.]
[GASPS.]
Egad, Brain.
We're giant mice.
Pinky, are you pondering what I'm pondering? I think so, Brain, but culottes have a tendency to ride up so.
No, Pinky.
We're not giants.
We're just the same.
It's the world that's changed.
For I have created a new world, a mouse world, a perfect world.
Narf.
Poit.
Egad.
Poit, narf, egad.
Poit, narf.
MOUSE 1: Narf.
MOUSE 2: Poit.
MOUSE 3: Egad.
MOUSE 4: Zoit.
MOUSE 5: Zounds.
MOUSE 6: Poit.
MOUSE 7: Egad.
MOUSE 8: Poit.
MOUSE 9: Zounds.
MOUSE 10: Narf.
MOUSE 11: Poit.
MOUSE 12: Egad.
[BANGING.]
Quickly, Pinky.
We must return to the past.
I must change it all back again.
But why, Brain? It'd be easy to rule a world of mice like them.
[BANGING ON DOOR.]
MOUSE 13: Poit.
MOUSE 14: Egad.
MOUSE 15: Zoit.
MOUSE 16: Zort.
Yes, Pinky, but who would want to? MOUSE 17: Narf.
MOUSE 18: Poit.
MOUSE 19: Egad.
MOUSE 20: Poit.
MOUSE 20: Zounds.
They're dinky They're Pinky And the Brain Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain [.]
Whoa, Wakko, Dot, hold up.
Why? It's that time again.
Oh, no.
Not the Wheel of Morality.
Afraid so.
It's time to learn the moral of today's story.
[BOTH SOBBING.]
No! No! Hey, come on.
The Wheel of Morality adds boring educational value to what would otherwise be an almost entirely entertaining program.
But the morals make no sense.
It's totally bogus.
Who came up with this stupid Wheel of Morality idea, anyway? The execs at the Fox Kids Network.
Oh.
[CHUCKLES.]
They did? What a great idea.
Yeah, I love the Wheel of Morality.
So Wheel of Morality Turn, turn, turn Tell us the lesson That we should learn And the moral of today's show is win a free trip to Tahiti.
ALL: We won, we won, we won, we won! [WHISTLE BLOWS.]
ALL: Yike! [.]
[APPLAUSE.]
WARNERS: We're so sad We've no more time together Just to drop an anvil On your head And stuff your pockets Full of dynamite Then tie you To a rhino's head [APPLAUSE.]
Good night, everybody! Bye! Spoil your dinner.
[.]
ALL: Ciao, America.