2 Broke Girls s01e23 Episode Script

Wow! Bummer, dude.
You have a time machine? And somehow, it got programmed to this crap diner? I must admit, I am quite taken with steampunk.
Oh, steampunk, right.
I remember that trend.
It happened for, like, ten seconds back in 2000 and-are-you-kidding-me? Dude, seriously, you're sitting in a public place tap-tap-tapping on an oldie typewriter? What are you? In the league of extraordinarily pretentious gentlemen? Aren't you being a little aggressive? Yup.
That's how people are here in the present where we live.
But don't get me wrong.
I'd like to go back in time, too.
Maybe stop 9/11 or that creep who had sex on my shoe, but I can't.
Present? Where's that uniform from? Like, 1998? Oh, stop, or I'm going to have to shoot you with a Smith & Wesson I'm currently packing in my bloomers.
I'll go get thee a menu, my good man.
attention, everyone.
Max and I have a little late-night treat for you.
Don't say it all excited like that.
Now when it's not drugs, Earl's going to be pissed.
You are invited to a very important taste-test of Max's homemade cupcakes.
Okay, but I will have only one.
When I get a tummy, single ladies call me Buddha and rub me for luck.
I gotta watch out, too.
Last time I had Max's chocolate espresso cupcake before going home, I was awake till 5:00 A.
M.
, hand washing all my thongs.
Thongs? Earl, you devil.
That's right, just because there's snow on the roof doesn't mean there's not swing in the sling.
Oh, Caroline, darling.
Can you go back over there? I forgot my racing form.
Oh, horse racing? It reminds me of Chestnut.
Max Chestnut.
What's with the sad face? Your horse is living it up at a fancy stable nearby.
Not gone to the great stud farm in the sky.
Did someone say "stud farm"? My fee is $10 a quart or $15 if you want a boy.
Wow.
You bounced back from your Sophie breakup pretty quick.
It was not a real breakup.
I will have her very soon again.
Right now, I lay low and wait in bushes like determined jungle cat.
Or a rapist.
Racing forms, here you go.
Earl, maybe some time you will take me out to the track with you.
I used to ride horses all the time in Korea.
The mechanical ones for a quarter in front of supermarkets? Actually, Max, I'm a very good rider.
In fact, I was training to be a jockey but was too short.
Too short to be a jockey? That's a hard hit, my man.
Han, I had no idea you loved horses, too.
Why didn't you ever say anything? Well, why didn't you ever ask about any of my interests? I'll tell you why.
Because all you ever talk about is "our cupcake business," our cupcake business.
" Doesn't your cd have other tracks? Anyway, our cupcake business has a very important meeting tomorrow with Paul Platt, the party planner.
I know a party planner, too.
He sells J .
Lo.
and Salma Hayek Pinatas off back of truck for Cinco de Mayo.
Awesome.
Put me down for a Hayek.
More storage space for candy.
Well, our party planner is the it guy in Manhattan.
And tomorrow, Max and I are doing a tasting for him at his office.
How can someone be too short to be a jockey? Isn't that the whole point? Are you all right, Max? I got here as fast as I could.
Caroline texted me to hurry over because you didn't know you were pregnant, and you were giving birth over toilet.
So I grabbed my plunger and ran! That is insane.
I never texted that.
No, I did, when I stole your phone.
I needed a reason to get Sophie over here.
I can't believe she believed it.
Oh, come on, Max.
Giving birth over toilet? That is very you.
Now that you are here, Sophie, sit.
I want to tell you something important.
Well, you can forget that.
There's no way I'm going to stay.
A cupcake party? Oh, look, and this one even has a pretzel in it.
Yup, that's our "salty n' spice" for our more adventurous customers.
Also for the uptight white people, we have the very, very vanilla which is big surprise My favorite.
And this is our beer-batter maple bacon spring break cupcake.
That's for stoners, and big surprise, my favorite.
We can only take four flavors to represent our cupcake business.
See? Not one word ever about anyone else.
I have a pet ferret, if anyone gives a damn.
Well, I have some big news I want to share with you all as well.
Sophie, that classy lady right over there Mm, I like this one.
She recently broke it off with me because she wanted to be with a man who had a dream and a drive.
So I have bought a drive A Lincoln town car.
Yes, I have a new car service and slogan: "Lie back and I will ride you till you tell me to stop.
" So, oleg, you now have a town car business? And Sophie, you rent town cars all the time.
Oh, oh, please.
I mean, I love pizza, too, but that doesn't mean I have to marry papa John.
I was just thinking, you might want to come out back and take a look at the light-up makeup mirror on visors.
Light-up makeup mirror? Oh, I might be interested.
But not just you and I.
Han will come as well.
Finally! Han is getting invited to something.
Other than LinkedIn.
- So much for the taste test.
- It's fine.
I know what's best for our cupcake business.
I do say that a lot, but I think it's kind of charming.
I'll go get our coats.
Mm, mm, mm.
Look at you.
I must say, I'm impressed with how far you've come.
Well, you burn a few thousand cupcakes, you're bound to get better.
Not just the cupcakes, Max.
Look how far you've come.
When I think of that girl who came in here just looking to get by Hey, and check you out now.
Big, fancy meeting in Manhattan.
Lordy lord! - It's only a meeting, Earl.
- Maybe.
But if you were one of these horses, I'd put all of my money on you, Max.
Paul Platt parties.
Please hold.
Paul Platt parties.
Please hold.
Paul Platt parties.
Please hold.
Poor kid.
If I had that job, I'd be asking someone to please hold a gun to my head.
He's probably excited to be working for Paul Platt.
Look at all these magazines calling him the next Martha Stewart.
Someday, we'll have articles about us.
You know, pictures of you and me standing outside our country home.
Hold on.
We're rich and still living together? Okay, she's leaving.
This is us.
About time.
Been sitting here so long my ass is asleep, which kind of goes against my theory that it won't quit.
Hi, Paul's going to be a little longer.
It's fine.
It's just Paul Platt parties, please hold.
- Paul Platt parties - How much longer - Please hold.
- Me or them? I got the ass pins and needles.
- Max.
- What? We're on hold.
Have a seat.
Five more minutes.
Paul Platt parties.
The word "party" at a party planner's? Little obvious.
Like me having art that says "will die alone.
" Wait.
I think this is Johnny's art.
No way.
"No way" is right.
Johnny's a nobody.
Paul Platt wouldn't have a framed "Johnny" in his office.
Look, signed "j.
Peg.
" That's his tag.
Yo, what's the deal with this art? It's a street artist.
Everyone's getting really into him now.
Oh, yeah? He was trying to get into me a few months ago.
It was more emotional than that.
He cheated on his girlfriend with her and then blew her off.
It was really hard for us.
And you thought me slapping my ass in front of him was inappropriate? - Wow, Johnny made it.
- Well, good for him.
He's making it, we're making it We're making it? I magic-markered over the scuffs on my boot, and we can't even get past the poor man's John Cusack over there.
Max, we are making it.
We've come a long way.
We haven't used Starbucks napkins for toilet paper in months.
And now, look where we are.
We've got a meeting with Paul Platt.
"We're making it.
" I'm serious.
Say it, Max.
We are making it.
Okay, we're making it.
- Caroline channing.
- This is us! - Ahh.
- What, five more minutes? Monday at 4:00.
Something came up.
Oh, okay.
Well, Monday at 4:00.
There's no Monday at 4:00.
He said Monday at 4:00.
Monday at 4:00, right? Absolutely.
Monday at 4:00.
There is no Monday at 4:00.
I'm confused.
Is there a Monday at 4:00? In the books, Monday at 4:00.
Paul can't wait.
There is no Monday at 4:00.
I don't understand.
Are we coming in Monday at 4:00? Absolutely.
Paul's a big fan.
Don't come in on Monday.
Can you please tell me what's going on? See, it's this news about your father being moved to a cushy white collar prison this week.
Paul can't have anything to do with someone named channing, 'cause everyone in New York is pissed.
Look at all that.
It never stops.
How much more of this do I have to take? So we'll see you on Monday! Don't come.
I woke my ass up for this? Mmm.
This was delicious, Max.
Here's a $20.
Keep the change.
What are you doing, Sophie? You don't pay for the cupcakes.
No, take it for your business.
Ever since your big party planner meeting went bust, I was worried that you two girls might form a joint suicide pact.
Nah, we're not that organized.
So how's Caroline today? She's handling it all better than I thought.
She's with her father's lawyer right now, trying to figure out the best time for her to go out to the prison to see him before he's moved.
Oh, that is my new phone.
You know there's a phone stuck to that gay furby, right? Yes, this is from my favorite store on 14th street, rhinestoned.
Oh, it's just a text from my driver.
He's waiting out front.
Why don't you just invite oleg inside? I'm not sure yet he deserves to come inside.
Well, from what I heard, he's already come inside.
Oh, Max, I love it when you're dirty! Hey, how'd it go? Well, according to my father's lawyer, the prison is surrounded by so much press that daddy doesn't want me to come out there and be exploited all over again.
Why is he still the only news story out there? Well, the good news is, your hair is especially shiny today.
It is? Thanks, Sophie.
So try not to kill yourself.
Well, if I didn't kill myself reading these in the car, I won't.
Hate mail.
It was being held at my old P.
O.
box.
My father's lawyer picked it up for me.
Why didn't he just punch you in the face and call it a day? I know, it's like the end of miracle on 34th street, only everyone's calling me a bitch.
Oh, come on, not everyone is calling you a bitch.
"Dear bitch, I hate you.
" "If I ever see you on the street, I will" Shake your hand and wish you well, as you have been through so very much.
That is not what that says.
It might be.
It's hard to read his actual words, as they are written in blood.
Oh, look how fancy.
This is not hate mail.
No, this is invitation to metropolitan museum annual gala.
It is? This is my favorite social event in all of New York.
I've gone every year since I was 18.
It's a fashion ball at the museum of art Yeah, I know what it is.
- I catered it last year.
- Max, how weird.
We were probably right in the very same room.
Then there's a good chance I spit in your drink.
Not really, unless you were acting all prissy and demanding.
There's a good chance you spit in my drink.
Well, see? This is happy news.
No, as much as I want to, I can't go.
Everybody hates me.
And much worse, I have nothing to wear, and if you're gonna be hated, you better look damn good.
I give up.
That invitation finally broke me.
Why are you pulling down your bed? Because I don't have a door to slam.
Hell, I don't even have a door! Everything's been taken away, Max My fortune, my business career, my social life, my sweet, sweet horse.
Okay, take a nap.
You're upset.
You have a good reason to be.
A good reason? I say she has I mean, read these.
These are like letters to the devil.
I'm just going to get in there and never get out.
Close it up, Max.
Put me in the wall.
No, it's really hard to close it when you're in there.
I've tried.
Look, I know it's not even remotely close to what you had before, but we do have our cupcake business and our purple stove, and we do have $922.
And we're gonna make it.
Wall me.
Come on, all you need is a big, glamorous party.
I mean, look at all the celebrities Martha Stewart, Justin Timberlake Ooh, Hugh Jackman! Oh, I like to call him "huge" Jackman, because I bet he has a big penis.
Wall me.
Thank you, sir.
Welcome home, buddy.
As you can see, we haven't put the pool in yet.
We'll get to it.
Tree, grill, shovel Usual cast of characters.
Now, I am going to take you in to her, but I should warn you.
She hasn't been out of bed for two days, and that means no tooth brushing and it's bad up in there.
I'm pretty sure horses have a keen sense of smell, so just be prepared.
I missed you, too.
Max, I'm trying to sleep.
Take your boots off.
Caroline, I have something for you.
Go away.
I'm dead.
Jeez, and you said my breath was bad.
You have a visitor, someone you love.
Chestnut! Chestnut, hi, baby, hi.
How did he get here? I went to peach and told her it was a matter of life and death and we had to have him back.
And what, she just gave him back to you? Well, I did have to agree to come back and babysit one day a week for the rest of my life, but hell, Chestnut's home.
Max, thank you so much.
You brought me back to life.
Oh, my God, don't exhale on me.
Your breath is like you went down on a brussels sprout.
Tip your head that way.
Chestnut, Chestnut.
Don't breathe on him either! His whole head is a nose.
He can't handle that.
Chestnut's home.
Han, I'm so excited.
Did you hear my horse is back? This is not conversation.
This is just the other thing you say.
"My cupcake business, my horse, my horse, my cupcake business.
" Well, in case anyone's interested, my ferret's name is Alvin.
And Alvin's telling his friends he has a pet named han.
Hey, Earl.
Long time, no see.
Well, well, well, Johnny.
If it isn't the famous street artist.
Well, I'm hardly famous.
You got that right.
My remark was laced with sarcasm.
Can you tell Max I'm here? That depends.
Are you still a two-timing bum? That's his name, don't wear it out.
Hiya, slugger.
Can you do me a favor and call Earl off? I may be on day six of my p90x, but I'm in no shape to take on a heavyweight like him.
It's okay, Earl, we're cool.
Well, I am.
He's just riding my fumes.
So, uh, where's your section? - Counter.
- Hm, same ol', same ol'.
Johnny's in the diner.
Why is he here? It can't be to eat.
He's "made it.
" He eats "made it food" now.
Well, obviously, he's here to see you.
Or else he won the award for biggest lying jerk in New York, and this is the first stop on his press tour.
Well, I don't know why he's here, but you better come with me.
He looks really good, so I'm not listening to a thing coming out of his pretty mouth.
Well, I was gonna ask what the specials were, but you know what? Can I actually just get one of Max's homemade cupcakes? - Okay, which flavor? - Surprise me.
Kind of like how you surprised her with your girlfriend? Okay, I'm starting to get a vibe here, and that's why I came in, because I feel bad, the way things went down between us, and I came to say good-bye because I'm moving.
Oh, moving.
To where? - Manhattan.
- Manhattan? That hardly calls for a good-bye speech.
It's over there.
Yeah, I know, but it's a big change for me, and we're not going to be rolling in the same circles anymore, and I'm getting married Over there.
Well, at least you and your girlfriend worked it out.
Actually, we broke up.
This is someone I met a couple months ago.
I was only watching his lips, but did they just say what I think they said? Well, there's your cupcake.
That'll be $5.
The price has gone up.
Yeah, we're successful now.
In fact, we may be working with Martha Stewart.
Caroline knows her from, you know, before.
We're gonna talk it over with her at the met gala ball that Caroline got invited to.
Martha's on the committee.
Caroline goes every year.
Not a big deal.
My first time.
Not a big deal either.
In fact, none of it's a big deal, just two girls who are making it but who choose to stay in Brooklyn 'cause we're cool.
That's awesome, Max.
That's awesome.
It's just funny, because whenever I think of you, I think of you in this diner in that uniform.
In a good way.
You want money now? Yeah.
It's business.
It's not like we had a relationship or anything.
In fact, you can pay Caroline.
She's the money.
I'm the artist.
You know, I'm doing pretty well as an artist myself.
I've been selling a lot of my stuff.
Really? We hadn't heard.
And there's your cupcake.
In case you didn't notice, that container's to go.
Got it.
He's gone.
I got rid of him.
Max? What are you doing? Punching cheesecakes.
It's my version of going to bed for two days.
Are you more upset about the marriage thing or the uniform thing? Oh, this isn't about Johnny.
I'm mad at the cheesecakes.
They were supposed to have cherries on top, and I wanted cherries! Why not me? Okay, maybe it's half no cherries, half Johnny.
Nothing ever does work out for us.
And then I hear myself saying all that ridiculous stuff about us talking to Martha Stewart at the gala.
I mean, what was that? It's insane.
Is it? Wait, seriously, is it? Or is it just insane enough to be genius? Max, we have the invitation.
She'll be there.
Why are we wasting our time with Paul Platt when we can meet the real thing? We can take Martha our best cupcake, explain our situation, and maybe Maybe she'll talk to us.
I mean, she was a girl with a dream once, too, and she certainly understands hard times.
You are talking about us stalking Martha Stewart.
I am talking about us stalking Martha Stewart! I even have my gorgeous Judith leiber jeweled cupcake purse to smuggle the cupcake in.
It's perfect.
I knew there was a reason I took that from the townhouse.
Great, you have a cupcake and a cupcake purse.
What else are we gonna wear to the ball, cinderella? Are the rats in the alley gonna whip us up some ball gowns? I mean, it's not exactly like we have a fairy godmother.
Hey, look, girls! I got myself a crown and a wand at rhinestoned.
I'll have the soup in my booth.
Well, this is as close to a fairytale as you and I are ever gonna get, so what the hell? Max, does that mean we're gonna find a way to go to the ball? Oh, yeah.
Get your cupcake on, 'cause we're gonna get balled.
Sophie, this is so generous of you to offer to buy us dresses for the gala, but as much as my shoes love being back - in their place of birth - Oh, your shoes were born here? Mine were born in China, but I adopted them at payless.
Maybe we should find something cheaper, at one of those consignment stores.
"Consignment stores"? Come on, what are we, gypsies? This is big fancy ball.
We need ball gowns.
Never really been a fan of balls.
In fact, always thought they got in the way, but here we are.
Well, we do have to look amazing if we're approaching Martha Stewart with a cupcake, so we'll find a way to pay you back and start by doing some cleaning jobs for you for free.
No! Every year I give money to charity, and I like you two girls way more than the babies with the broken smiles.
So don't worry.
I got plenty of cash.
Aww, a roll of hundreds.
Reminds me of my Christmas stocking stuffers.
Yeah, this is fun day.
I'm like Richard Gere and you're my two hookers.
Well, when you put it like that, I'm a little more comfortable.
Good afternoon.
How can I help you? Hi, how are you? We don't have a lot of time.
We have to be at work by 6:00.
Can you show us your best formal spring couture? Perhaps you ladies might be more comfortable down in ready-to-wear.
As I said, we're in a bit of a rush.
We might move a little quicker if you dropped the attitude and picked up some dresses.
Show her your wad.
Let's look at some dresses.
Yeah, and get us some champagne, like in the movies.
The patron, own, let's go get it on the zone, own, yes, I'm in the zone is it two, three, leave a good tip I'm-a blow off my money and don't give two I'm on the floor, floor I love to dance so give me more, more till I can't stand get on the floor, floor like it's your last chance if you want more, more then here I am starships were meant to fly hands up and touch the sky can't stop, 'cause we're so high let's do this one more time starships were meant to fly hands up and touch the sky let's do this one last time hands up we're higher than a mother higher than a mother jump in my hoopty hoopty hoop I own that and I ain't paying my rent this month I owe that but who you want and who you like dance your life, there's no end in sight twinkle, twinkle, little star now, everybody, let me hear you say starships were meant to fly hands up and touch the sky starships were meant to fly hands up, and touch the sky let's do this one more time oh oh oh One, two.
Han, did you just go up on your tiptoes like a big boy? Well, I wasn't expecting a photo opportunity.
And I left my tom cruise man-heels at home.
Max, give him a break.
This is a man who was too short to be a jockey.
Oleg, give me your camera.
I must approve picture.
We've taken it three times already.
Han, if you want a nip slip, just ask.
My dress is too pretty for this conversation, so I'm gonna go get the cupcake from the refrigerator.
And I'm going to warm up my new town car for the ladies.
New? What is this, 2002? I hope so, then I will have chance to meet you for first time all over again.
Now this is not professional driver talk.
Hey, fancy ball Buster, what's your deal? You told him to get a dream and a drive, and he did.
Max, I have two sore spots.
Trusting men and And here, where that crazy Jamaican wove my extensions too tight.
I'm thinking I should wait to put the cupcake in the cupcake purse till we get out of the car.
We want our beer batter maple bacon cupcake to represent our cupcake business.
We have a new record.
She cupcake four times in one speech.
We should go.
Upper East Side from Brooklyn at this time of day is crazy.
But we came in here to show Earl.
Maybe Earl decided not to come since he had the night off.
Max, we really should be there at the start.
That's prime Martha Stewart stalking time.
You're right.
And Martha will probably have to leave early to get up to bake; A little something I knows about.
The only difference between Martha and I is she probably doesn't have to worry about waking up her roommate who lives four feet from the oven.
But otherwise, twinsies! Hold up, hold up, hold up.
Earl, slow down, your heart.
Sorry I'm late, ladies.
But if I run any faster, the cops tend to pull guns on me.
Got held up at the florist shop, but I made it.
Here you go, ladies.
Aww, Earl, you got us flowers? Wrist corsages.
I hope they're still in style.
They're a classic, Earl.
Like you.
Mmm, that was worth the run.
Let's go, ladies.
Oleg is waiting to drive you.
And you drive me crazy.
Yeah, yeah.
Tell it to the marines.
Here, Earl, take my phone.
I can't fit it in the purse with my cupcake.
Have the best time in the world.
And say hello to "huge" Jackman for me.
That is not a good sign.
That car is smoking harder than Bob Marley on a rasta holiday.
Sophie, if my cousin Yuri said he would be here in half hour with parts to fix, he will be here in half hour.
Actually, it's been Your cousin is like you.
- He takes too long to come.
- Oh, this is news.
Suddenly a woman wants a man to finish fast.
Oh, please.
Sex is not a carnival cruise.
I'm a busy woman.
You get on, you get off.
Can I get a hit off that? We'll just have to wait, I guess.
I mean, if I still lived in Manhattan, I'd hail a cab.
But that's not gonna happen out here in the boondocks! Plus, even if we could afford a cab, we'd be stuck forever in rush hour gridlock.
Could you take it down a notch? Hipsters are starting to look at us like we're trying too hard.
Where did han go? He said he might have a plan.
Oh, my lord and Taylor! That little mother can ride.
You two look like two princesses in a fairy tale.
Are you feeling safe? I couldn't feel any safer if we were riding a rubber into town.
Here we go.
Bye, guys.
- Bye.
- Go, Chestnut! Oh, check it out.
You see what I see? Hello, officers.
We're on way to the ball down the street, and we were wondering if we could please leave our horse with your horses? And I can save you the time on the breathalyzer test; No, we are not drunk or on some bachelorette party scavenger hunt.
Our car broke down in Brooklyn, so we rode over the Brooklyn bridge and up.
You rode a horse across the Brooklyn bridge? That's badass.
Yes And illegal.
In that case, we took the tunnel.
Well, I think we can help you two ladies.
Not gonna happen, Dave.
We're on duty.
Officers, we're already a little late.
And with all due respect, we don't have time to play good cop, bad cop.
Or in your cases, hot cop, hot cop.
Well, I think we can help you ladies.
Let's get you down off of there.
I got the one in the low-cut.
Thanks officer hot and officer hotter.
You know I'm officer hotter, right? Oh, come on, man.
Have you seen me in my sunglasses? No contest.
Max, I'm really impressed with how well you're maneuvering around in that long skirt.
Yeah, I was a serving wench at a medieval times restaurant.
It's a breeze when I'm not carrying a tray loaded with Turkey legs and ale.
There's the "will call" table.
Walk in front and I'll hide behind you, as I'm the most hated woman in New York.
So basically, I'm a human shield? Well, you have more up here to stop anything.
- Max! - What? Did someone pull a gun? I knew that was gonna happen.
No, I screamed because I saw the couple whose sworn statement put my father in prison.
Max! Acid in your pretty face? Sorry, I stayed up all night reading what people want to do to you in your hate mail.
What was it? I went down so fast, I may have smeared my cupcake.
That's the filthiest sounding clean thing I ever heard.
It's fine.
Good.
Now let's go get those cheap plastic security bracelets that ruin our expensive gowns.
- Can I get your name? - Caroline Channing.
I'm sorry, what? Caroline Channing.
What's with you? Just say your name.
Channing.
Did you say channing? Caroline channing? Wait, are you that Caroline channing? Shh, yes, and I personally called the R.
S.
V.
P.
number.
It has to be there.
Channing, channing, channing No, I don't see "Caroline channing.
" Shh.
Maybe it's under my name.
Max black.
I'm with her.
Black no, no, no, I don't see any blacks here.
You mean besides the ones working security? Let me check with Paul Platt, the party planner.
He's on the phone with him right now.
- Hey, Brody.
- Oh, no.
There's a problem with the list.
She's not on it.
Her.
- Caroline channing.
- Sh Paul, I've got Caroline channing, and she's not on the list.
If everybody in this line could just wait until we get the Caroline channing situation under control If you say "channing" one more time, I'm going to actually pull your voice box out.
And its s so much more violent than it sounds.
Yes, Paul, I'll tell them.
There's been a little mix-up.
Five more minutes will get you right in.
You're not getting in.
Well, that's it.
We tried.
- We gave it our best shot.
- Oh, no.
This is the closest I have ever gotten to anything in my life almost working out.
- We are not giving up.
- How are we getting in? - Security's everywhere.
- Yeah, out here, but not at the servers' entrance.
I catered this last year.
That's right, we're going backdoor.
Ooh! That lady just punched me.
I knew that was gonna happen! So you can just walk in here? Anyone can just walk right in? Well, it helps that last year I made out with the tent flap guard, Rico, but basically, yeah, anyone.
When I think of all the times I left my purse on a table here unattended, I shudder Shudder.
Okay, so we can't get in the actual building without being caterers, so we have to change into those uniforms.
Wait.
You never mentioned anything about a rent-a-clothes situation.
Small price to pay for us making it.
Is it? Is it a small price to pay? Hurry, we have a superstar to stalk! I thought I would hate it, but I'm kind of into it.
I'm very Janelle Monae.
No, you're Janelle I-have-no-Monae.
What are we going to do with our dresses? We can't leave them out here.
I need them inside.
I have to look amazing when I meet Martha Stewart.
What does it matter what we're wearing? We're still going to be the two crazy girls chasing her down with a cupcake.
- That's why it matters.
- Oh, ooh! I know.
Here.
Help me get the shelves out of this.
We can hang our dresses in here and push them in.
Brilliant.
Kind of like the Louis Vuitton travel wardrobe I used to have.
Or the service elevator I was born in.
Coming through, hot food.
Look out, very hot! Man, it's hot.
You're a waiter, not a weatherman.
Hey, pretty girls, I like the way you push around that big steel box why don't you come over here and I'll have sex with you? A display like that really makes you appreciate oleg's nuanced wit.
Okay, let's go right to the ladies room so we can change.
Is it that way or that way? What? Shh, Johnny! How'd he get invited? This used to be an exclusive event.
He's "made it," he goes where "made it" people go.
Why are we hiding from that lowlife? If he sees me in another waiter uniform, I'm the sad girl always in the uniform.
If he sees me in that dress at the ball, he can suck it.
Ladies room, that way.
The ladies room is right down here.
Push harder.
Harder! Do you want Martha to see you dressed like that? - Move! Coming through! - Excuse us.
Food emergency.
Fingers, fingers, fingers, fingers.
Coming through, coming through.
- Excuse us.
- Look alive, red! - I almost hit you.
- Hold up.
Now just hold up.
What is going on right now? You can't bring food in here.
Oh, it's not food.
That would be weird.
It's dresses.
We have to change into these, 'cause she has this guy she wants to impress, and I have to change into it because I'm stalking Martha Stewart.
Ooh, I'd be a terrible spy.
Usually I don't get the long stories till the end of the night, and by then, the girls are crying and begging me for Wisdom and tic tacs.
I'll go first.
I have to get two of these in one dress.
Miss, do you have a shoehorn? Come on, chanel shoes! Come on, chanel knockoffs.
Why are you not dressed yet? 'Cause ladies take forever.
It's all the spanx.
Well, go, use my stall.
I want to go stick my head out, and see if I can scope out Johnny.
No, ma'am, no! Not fair, ma'am.
Try the handicapper.
This side.
Good idea.
I cannot get a break tonight.
- Psst, yo, Max.
- Johnny! Who are you looking for? The Dominos guy.
I was hiding in there, 'cause five more minutes, the pizza's free.
I was hoping I'd run into you.
Eh, no big deal.
Pretty big deal.
You look amazing.
Amazing.
I will go as far as amaze-balls.
Thanks.
You look like a guy in a commercial who has a ring and puppy hidden somewhere.
Can you believe it? We're both at this shmancy thing.
Look how far we've gotten.
Actually, when you think about it, we didn't get very far at all.
Nope, you're right.
We didn't.
Yeah, why? Timing, I guess.
Timing? Okay, whatever.
You know, from now on, when I think of you, I'm gonna think of you in this and not the uniform.
You know, from now on, maybe you shouldn't think of me at all.
Gotta go, Mr.
Manhattan.
That was awesome! Caroline, where are you? I'm almost dressed.
I just had the perfect in-your-face good-bye with Johnny.
And speaking of "in your face," he couldn't take his eyes off my boobs Boobs that he can never have, now that he's getting married.
Damn, girl, you look good.
What you doing later? Can I get your number? Oh, no, the cupcake got a little smushed in my purse.
We can't show this to Martha Stewart now.
Sure, we can.
You think she never had a cupcake smush on her? I doubt that very much.
Martha Stewart is perfect.
Her feet don't even touch the ground.
The woman probably doesn't even go to the bathroom.
Martha Stewart's hardly perfect.
And how are you this evening? No, you're right, Martha Stewart isn't perfect.
Oh, I never said that! In fact, I hear she's a real ballbuster.
You did not hear that.
Yep, a real ballbuster, you know? No, I do not know.
Would you mind handing me a towelette please? Oh, one's fine.
Thank you so much.
But the fact that Martha Stewart is so tough Caroline, you need to get out here right now.
The fact that she is a real ballbuster Oh, dear God, help me.
Is what I like and respect about her.
I mean, the woman's a genius.
Now it's getting interesting.
And besides, you can't really believe gossip.
Look at all that hate mail I got with people calling me a bitch, and I'm not a bitch.
Well, that's debatable.
- Martha Stewart, hi.
- Hello.
I'm Caroline, and this is my business partner, Max, and we have a start-up cupcake business.
Dude, are you serious? You're still going for it.
I know this is highly inappropriate, but we brought a cupcake here tonight in hopes that you might taste it.
So you want me to taste your cupcake in the ladies room.
What's inappropriate about that? We're a start-up business.
We've got to take risks.
This is Max.
She's the baker.
You're the baker.
I'm the baker.
Hm, it looks quite appealing.
Oh, my God.
I know this is a social event, so I'm so sorry for making it about business.
When you're in business for yourself, you have to take every situation as a business opportunity.
Look, I have five of these in here.
I love your magazine.
I read every single issue until they realized I didn't even go to that doctor.
Well, in spite of the fact that you have not yet washed your hands I was just changing my dress in there.
- I'll taste it.
- You will? I like your entrepreneurial drive.
And I have a feeling that it's actually the only way I'm gonna get out of here alive.
That is our beer batter maple bacon spring break cupcake.
- Hm, clever name.
- Thank you.
It is a little smushed, though.
That's unfortunate.
I told you.
Mmm.
Quiet tasty.
I like it.
Do you girls have a card? Get it out, get it out, get it out.
Ah, thank you very much.
"Max's homemade cupcakes.
" Well, you know who'd really like that cupcake? Stoners.
She said "Max's homemade cupcakes.
" Martha Stewart likes our cupcakes! Martha Stewart likes our cupcakes!