8 Simple Rules for Dating My Teenage Daughter s01e23 Episode Script

Son it's time we had the talk.
- Girls! - Oh, God.
Now, Rory, you've had a lot of time on your hands, and it's resulted in something well, somewhat unhealthy.
- That is sick.
- Twisted.
Girls! Son, it's become a problem.
Lately you've developed a relentless obsession with - Dad! getting a monkey.
- I don't want a monkey.
- What monkey would even have him? Shut up! Get out! Son, anyway, I think what you need is a new hobby.
- You know, to get your mind off it.
- Baseball cards? What do I want with baseball cards? Baseball's a dead sport.
I'll pretend I didn't hear that.
These are very valuable cards.
You could trade them for a Kirk Gibson rookie card or something.
No! Hi, honey.
Ooh.
Did I interrupt the monkey talk? - How does Mom know? - Honey, I clean your room.
I found your National Geographics.
- How was your day? - Great.
Starting tomorrow I'll be working twice as many hours.
- Why? - The nurse supervisor quit.
They asked me to fill in till they find a replacement.
Mom, you're gonna be working more? - I'm gonna miss you.
- Oh, Rory.
Maybe if I had a friend it wouldn't be so bad.
A little furry companion.
Perhaps a No monkey! OK, I have to leave.
- I am so nervous.
- Why? You're a great nurse.
I know.
Now I have to boss people around.
You're great at that, too.
- Like they say, do as you know.
- Yeah, right.
Now, go.
Don't worry about us.
I'm gonna make a nice dinner and enjoy the company of my children.
- Where's your brother? - Don't know.
- Don't care.
- Maybe lost.
Maybe a bear got him.
I've been out all day, Dad, and I can't get rid of these stupid cards.
Rory! The only guys interested in them are guys with baseball cards.
If I trade them I'll just have more.
Well, I'm off.
See you after work.
But you're working tonight? - Again? - Bridget, we talked about this.
Don't you ever listen? You said you were gonna help me with my project for history! - My family tree.
It's due Friday.
- I promised you last week.
Why did you wait till the last minute? I didn't know there was an expiration date on your love, Mom.
Look, Bridget, I will help you with your project sometime this week.
I promise.
And I'll make it up to you.
We'll have a girls' day on Saturday.
I'll love you then, OK? Bridget! Nice send-off.
Mom, don't let Bridget's pouting upset you.
I'm totally proud of you.
I want to be a career woman, just like you.
Oh, thanks, Kerry.
I appreciate you saying that.
Except, not a nurse.
There's no way I'm cleaning bedpans.
Nursing's disgusting.
And on that note I need a blood draw in 137.
- And move Baker down to radiology.
- Cate, we're out of rooms.
- Every woman in Detroit's giving birth.
- I know.
It's like a mass turtle hatching.
Was there a blackout nine months ago? Oh, and there's two women dilating in the hallway.
Eww.
- Um, move in beds and double them up.
- All right, but they'll yell.
Remind them who controls the drugs.
That will quiet them down.
Labor and delivery.
Oh, hi, Paul.
- I called to see how you're doing.
- Great.
Crazy busy, but I'm handling everything.
How are you? Crazy busy here, too.
I unloaded the dishwasher and now - Mom, when are you coming home? - Somebody wants to say hi.
I need you.
I'm freaking out about my family tree project.
All Dad's relatives are total Sci Fi Channel.
If your relatives aren't hot, I'm behind on finding my parents.
Honey, you're just six centimeters.
Take another lap.
Hello, Mom! Are you there? Look, Bridget, I want to help you, but I'm up to my ears in pregnant women.
I'll get to it by the end of the week.
I promise.
Walk! - Mom! God, I can't - Mom, forget Bridget.
- She's such a crybaby.
- Bridget's crying? Her eyes are bloodshot, she's sniffling, but that could be anything.
Love you.
Bye.
Paul, is everything OK? Tell me the truth.
Well, it would be nice if, once in a while, you initiated the Paul! You mean is everything OK here? Yeah, it's great.
Oh, Rory just got home.
Hey, Ror.
No.
Rory's been out trading baseball cards.
How did it go, Ror? Great.
I traded for Kirk Gibson.
My man! Get back here, Kirk Gibson! - Mom, hi.
- Hey, honey, how was your day? Oh, intense.
The whole week's been intense.
But it's been great.
And the rumor mill is that I don't want to jinx it OK.
You're gonna get it, aren't you? You're jinxing it, you're jinxing it! I'll get it! Wow.
It's just a matter of time before she answers the iron.
They ran away again.
That was your mother knocking on the banister.
Mother? Who is this mother you speak of? Very funny.
Bridget, go up and get that homework.
Let's get started on that family tree.
Nothing like waiting till the last minute.
- Wait, honey.
- Mom, don't indulge Bridget.
You'll just spoil her.
- Listen to me.
I made a funny.
- Kerry! Don't let anyone interfere with your promotion.
Is someone gonna get that? Wow.
So, what do you think? Doesn't this place look great? - It's nice.
- "'S'nice?" "'S'nice?" Look at this table.
You could deliver one of your babies on it.
Or make one, if you wanted to.
No, you're probably tired.
Hey, I'm tired, too.
I'm being silly, right? Honey? Honey? No, you sleep.
You sleep.
Anyway, it was just a suggestion.
We can do it tomorrow.
- Mom, I'm ready.
- Shh.
She's sleeping.
- Mom! - No, Bridget! Go upstairs.
You want Rory to have a monkey.
You, yourself, love monkeys.
You want Rory to have a monkey.
You, yourself, love monkeys.
Bridget, I know she promised, but your mother is very tired.
- I don't care.
I'm mad at her.
- We need to make things easier on her.
- I'll help you with your family tree.
- You will? Thank you, Daddy.
At least one of you is taking this parenting thing seriously.
You don't know where Mom's pictures are.
- They're up in the attic.
- I'm not going up there.
It's dirty and there's mouse poop.
I'll get it for you.
And could you maybe Never mind.
- No, what? - Well Could you maybe write a few things down on my poster board? In print.
Your handwriting looks nothing like mine.
Bridget, I am not doing your homework for you! - I miss Mom! - OK, OK, I'll help.
- OK.
- OK.
You know, Mom always made me cocoa when she was helping with my homework.
I can do that.
With little marshmallows.
You got it.
And maybe a treat.
- Surprise me.
- Sure.
Daddy, can I have a car? Too far.
Oh, you're up.
Hey, there.
I was dreaming we had a monkey.
- What is it? - I just wanted to tell you that one of your daughters is proud of you.
Oh, honey, thanks for saying that.
And for, you know, waking me up.
Oh, she woke up? Hey.
Pretty clean table.
But the ship has sailed, right? No, no, no.
So, tell me the big news.
- No.
- Come on, I won't jinx it.
Oh, OK.
The word is, it's between me and another person for this job.
- That's great.
- Yeah.
I think I have the inside track because I'm more popular with the nurses.
And that's a big factor.
I wouldn't say that to Kerry, 'cause we've been downplaying popularity.
Yeah, God help us when she finds out the truth.
Yeah.
Oh, that's the laundry.
Do you want to go down there, for old time's sake, and No, no, I'll get it.
You do it so much better than No, you rest.
I'll get the laundry.
Oh, no, Bridget's project.
I better go I actually I wouldn't.
Bridget's rather upset with you right now, if you catch my drift.
You know teenagers.
Their hormones, their music Don't worry.
I took care of her homework.
She's upset? I mean, how upset? I've been promising her and I've let her down.
You go to bed.
I can handle this.
Her family tree project's almost finished.
It turns out the kids didn't need you, after all.
Ow! Kirk! Stop flinging stuff! Morning, Rory.
You are going through bananas! Growing boy.
Uh, Rory, we had the deodorant talk, right? Uh-huh.
OK.
Where are the girls? - Out with Dad.
- What do you mean? We were supposed to have a girls' day.
Well, you can have a boy's day and go shopping.
Do you know where they sell tiny hats and little bicycles? - Hey, honey.
- Paul, why didn't you wake me? We were supposed to have a girls' day.
We tried to wake you, but we couldn't.
You kept swiping at us like a big old bear.
So, we did it with Dad.
You look rested.
Is that supposed to be sarcastic? I'm sorry.
Bridget doesn't understand you've got more important things to do.
If anyone should understand sleeping in till noon, it's her.
Noon? I can't believe I missed girls' day.
I can't believe you didn't wake me.
Excuse me? You wanted girls' day for yourself and you're not even a girl! What are you talking? You were asleep! Mommy, come play with us.
- What's wrong? - Oh, nothing.
- Just thinking.
- About? - Well, maybe - What? - Maybe I should quit.
- What? - I mean, for good.
- Where did that come from? Oh, I don't know.
You know, all these extra hours, and this nurse supervisor audition, it's just taking a toll on the family.
- Look at Bridget.
- Bridget's fine.
She likes me now.
No, that didn't come out right.
- Know what Kerry said about Bridget? - Will you not listen to Kerry? She likes to stir the pot.
She's like a little witch with good grades.
Maybe this whole experience is to show me I'm supposed to be a stay-at-home mom.
- This is what you've always wanted.
- I know.
Just be careful what you pray for.
Honey, you know what? I want you to go back to sleep.
You're exhausted.
Not another word.
Go to bed.
- You could go back to sports writing.
- If you really want to talk about it No, no.
I can't believe that would be OK with you.
Would it? I mean, no! Well, the nights and the weekends and travel No, it's just Maybe that's what you're supposed to do.
And maybe staying at home full-time with the kids is what I'm supposed to do.
- Honey? - Yeah.
That is the biggest load of crap I ever heard.
I know you.
You were born to be a nurse.
When you weren't doing it, it was all you could talk about.
No, I used to be Mom.
And now the kids think Mom is a person who's never there.
- Bridget will come around.
- I don't know.
I oh, boy.
- This is hard.
- I know.
I know it's hard, so I'm gonna make it easy.
You're a great mother.
You're a great nurse.
And when we had babies you were a great mother who was nursing! Wait, I had a point here.
What was it? Oh, yeah.
Bridget will be fine.
We'll all be fine.
And as for sports, I so don't miss it.
My next column, There's Gold in Them There Pennies, is gonna put me on the map, you watch.
You're gonna get that promotion.
You're going to be great, and the kids will love you.
Discussion over.
Favorite husband ever.
All right, you prep Mrs.
Daly in 141 and start an IV drip.
And then you page Doctor Zelman about that C-section.
Now look, honey, I know you're scared.
I was scared before I had my babies.
But how often do you get to perform a miracle? And that's what giving birth is, it's a miracle.
You think I should have it natural? Oh, God, no.
- Mom.
- Rory! - Paul.
- You were awesome, Mom.
It's not like you're a nurse.
It's like you're better than a nurse.
- Like you're a - Please don't say "a doctor".
air traffic controller.
- I like that.
- What are you doing here? - I wanted them to see what the person who's never there does when she's not there.
- You did that for me? - And them.
So, uh, what did you girls think? I thought you were amazing.
It makes me see you in a different light.
Yeah, me too.
I mean, not too many people look good under fluorescents.
That's what I meant.
Paul, could you take Rory and Kerry down to the cafeteria? - I want to talk to Bridget.
- Sure.
Let's go.
If this is about scratching your car, Rory's a liar.
- Excuse me? - No, you go.
Well, I just wanted to tell you that they offered me that supervisor job.
- Congratulations.
- But I turned it down.
What? I thought you wanted it.
I thought I wanted it, too, until they actually offered it and then You know how people say they didn't want to go to the party but it was nice to be invited? You know what I mean? Mmm, no, I always get invited to the party.
Right.
Well, the upside is, I'm gonna go back to my old schedule, and there will be more time for us.
Why? Honey, I know you missed me, like when I couldn't help you with your family tree project.
Oh, no, then Dad finished it for me and I was cool.
I only got a C-plus.
When the teacher read it she said it was shoddy work.
I kind of agree.
Oh, my God.
You didn't turn it down because of me, did you? Call them back! What was all that pouting and guilt tripping? - Was that you playing me? - No, that was me playing Dad.
God, Mom, I thought you were a little smarter than that.
Um So, is the cafeteria that way? Never mind.
I'll just follow the yellow stripe.
Money? I'll just ask Dad.
Kerry, I am so damn mad at you.
How could you let me think Bridget was upset? I lost sleep over it! Bridget wasn't upset? My bad.
- So, the cafeteria's this way? - No, get back here.
Sit down.
You know, you made such an issue about that.
No, wait a minute.
You made an issue about it.
You're the one that's upset.
Yeah, well, Bridget scratched your car.
Honey, why didn't you just tell me instead of pinning it on your sister? Mom, I'm in high school.
It's kind of embarrassing saying I miss my mommy.
I need to know that.
It's just that your job is really important.
But then I miss you.
And then I feel guilty, because I want to have a career just like you.
And I also want to have a family.
Manhattan's the center of the art world and no place to raise kids.
I would suffocate in the suburbs.
Now I'm sounding like Bridget! You missed me? It's not like I want to hang out with you or anything.
Sometimes it's nice knowing you're there.
And I just like knowing that.
Please tell me you didn't turn down the job because of me.
Oh, no, honey.
I turned it down because I'm tortured with conflict.
Good.
I'll tell you what we're gonna do.
I'm gonna give you my beeper number.
If I'm not home and you need me ever, you just page me, 24l7.
Even if it's just to say hi.
And the only one who will have the number will be you.
Really? Well, you and the guy with the little cooler on the helicopter.
Oh, yeah.
Brake.
Rory, you're in a hospital.
What are you doing? - Come on, you cheated! - Paul! - Oh, they're yours? - Yeah.
Put them on a leash.
Come on, fellas, fun's over.
All right, Rory, maybe you can find the guys who were in these.
Yeah, and go find Bridget.
Rory, walk.
- Mom turned down the job.
- What? - You turned down the job? Are you? - Yeah.
No, I'm OK.
I'm OK.
- Now things can get back to normal.
- Are you sure this is what you want? Well, I don't know.
Yeah but for now.
At least until maybe the kids move out.
We'll see.
I know this is hard for you.
But you know what? You are my favorite wife ever.
Listen, they offered you the job.
We should celebrate that.
We'll go someplace.
Anyplace you want.
Name it.
Anyplace? Why don't we go someplace I haven't been in a while? Let's go home.
Oh, sweetheart.
- Rory! - Why does everyone assume it was me? Oh, Kirk Gibson.
How could I ever be mad at you?