Ally Mcbeal s01e23 Episode Script
These Are the Days
- There, there.
You see it? - Move closer to the light.
- I see it.
- Green, right? - I wouldn't say green.
- Pluck it.
No, I'm taking it to the colorist.
It's evidence.
- Is it just the one strand? - No.
I saw two others.
- Oh, yeah.
- Did you see it? Maybe it's dead because sometimes when a follicle dies No, the shaft gets limp and dry-dead.
This one's alive and green.
Bobby! Are you okay? - Yeah, sure.
- Some of Ally's hair is green.
Well, well What brings you here? Two men against a hospital.
Possible conflict of interest so I need outside counsel.
Interested? In you? I mean, I mean what sort of case? They want to switch hearts.
What do you mean? One's got a good heart, the other a congenital disease.
Is that legal? That's the question.
Will you do it with me? Sure.
Sure.
Yeah.
I've solved my dismount.
I've been down this road These are the Days Walking the line That's painted by pride And I have made mistakes in my life That I just can't hide Oh, I believe I am ready For what love has to bring I got myself together Now I'm ready to sing I've been searching my soul tonight I know there's so much more to life Now I know I can shine a light To find my way back home Oh, baby, yeah Oh, yeah They want to do what? One's a CEO with a bad heart.
And one's a janitor with a good heart.
He's willing to give his heart away? The hospital won't do it.
We'll get a court order.
He can have mine.
I never use it.
Kidding.
John, new case.
- Alan Farmer, who's he? - Second cousin.
I apologize.
He goes on trial today.
Misdemeanor battery.
Alan refused.
So, it's come to da da da da da - What did he do? - He assaults happy people.
He assaults happy people? - Yes.
- How does, who? What? He accosts people who are happy.
Renee drew the case.
I anticipate a hard but fair battle.
There.
It's green.
It's definitely green.
- You want me to order what? - Thank you, Your Honor.
It's anyone's right to donate an organ.
- It's not a kidney.
It's his heart.
- The heart is a muscle This man, by taking the weaker heart, could die.
- Which he recognizes.
- He's willing to risk suicide He's willing to risk dying, that's not the same.
This is so repugnant to public policy.
Is Mr.
Michaelson paying this man? There's nothing tainted here.
Who are we to stand in their way? You ask the hospital to participate.
If they want to switch hearts, fine but you can't order the hospital to do it.
- What's to lose for the hospital? - Reputation for starters.
This kind of voodoo surgery could cost federal grants.
Not if some pro-voodoo judge sticks you with a court order.
- The hospital would be off the hook.
- Your Honor, you can't be serious.
Mr.
Gilson, I want to hear from you, I'd be glad to plea.
That's what I said I wanted.
- But I don't want jail.
- They won't agree to no jail.
Can't go to jail.
We go to trial.
- If convicted.
- Can't go to jail.
Well, I was on the subway sitting next to a man I was dating In fact, it was our first date.
- Tell the court what happened.
- He was riding me to my stop.
And we were just talking and laughing.
And then thwap.
- "Thwap"? - That awful person hit me, vicious.
Objection to "awful" and "vicious.
" I'd also be seeking to strike "thwap" on grounds of ambiguity.
I'll strike "awful" and "vicious.
" - Did he hit you with his hand? - No, he had a sawed-off paddle.
A paddle? Like you would use for a canoe if it were normal length but he had sawed it into a weapon and he hit me.
Right before you got hit, did you and your date kiss? No.
- Were you thinking of kissing? - Well, we could've been.
- But you didn't.
- No.
You were thinking of kissing, but didn't.
Is that your testimony? I guess.
Thank you.
That's the list of money he's given him.
- So, he has taken money.
- Nothing quid pro quo.
- But why do think he's doing this? - They're friends.
A custodian and a CEO.
And you believe that? I thought I was the hardened, jaded one.
I came to you because you still practice innocence.
But even so.
Friends don't I consider you and I to be friends.
- I wouldn't even give you blood.
- Yeah, you would.
Anyway, thanks for taking this case.
Sure.
Ally, you know I I showed up at your bar once, in your office.
Saw all you guys dancing.
- You all seem to have fun together.
- We do.
- When's the last time you danced? - Me? Uh, I dance.
Oh, I know.
But, but, the last time.
Do you even remember? Not really.
I have time for one.
What? It's past 10.
We have to be in court at 9.
Right here.
One dance.
You're due.
- Hear the music in your head.
- In my head? You can do that, can't you? Sure.
Okay.
Dance.
- So, I just pretend to hear the music? - That's all.
You hear it? I'm beginning to.
Did you kiss him? - No, we just - Danced to pretend music.
- It wasn't clingy slow.
Slow is slow.
I would have kissed him.
Billy.
Billy! If I were you.
I'm, I'm you know? - Married.
- Married.
I've got green hair, and I'm due in court.
This guy, Donnell.
He does it for you, huh? Me? No, no.
Are you kidding? I don't even think he's good-looking.
Maybe he is.
I don't even remember.
I was in the theater.
The movie was slow.
I rested my head against my date's, then boom.
I get hit on the temple.
- Was it a vicious hit? - Objection.
Sustained.
- Did you see who did it? - He did.
He had a mini boat paddle.
He whacked me with it.
You let your head fall against the woman next to you? - She was my date.
- Not your girlfriend.
- She's my fiancée.
- At the time? - No, but later we became engaged.
- At the time you were untoward.
Are you kidding? Your Honor - Would you step up here? - What? Step up here, please.
- Let me see your teeth.
- Excuse me? Let me see your teeth.
You have something Uh, why it's spinach.
I am very, very disappointed.
- What's going on? - Mr.
Cage, any more questions? No, Your Honor.
Our witness has a piece of spinach caught in an incisor.
When oral decay starts between the tooth and the gum bacteria builds colonies.
Even the most nutritious vegetable can turn into Vietnam.
- Let's just call this off.
- Don't be such a quitter.
Don't call me a quitter.
- You're a quitter.
- A quitter? I take questions in the witness chair.
That's why we're here.
Hey! Hey, hey! Let's just go inside.
Bobby is waiting for us.
I want to talk to Ms.
McBeal for a second.
- About what? - Just go.
- She's my lawyer.
- I'm planning your birthday party.
- He's not gonna be grilled up there? - He's not on trial for anything.
That other lawyer seemed a little aggressive.
If he tries to humiliate Bernie There wouldn't be a motive to beat him up.
It should be okay.
All right.
- How did you meet Mr.
Michaelson? - I asked him for change.
He was walking by one day.
That was in 1989.
- He gave you change? - He gave me a $5 bill.
And every Wednesday for the next - Did you talk? - Not really.
He'd say, "How are you today?" He'd look me in the eye.
- More than I'd got from most people.
- How did you become best friends? Well, one day it was snowing.
He brought me to this place for some soup.
And we started talking.
It was easy to find things to talk about.
We played high school ball in the same conference.
We just hit it off.
- And? - Gave me a job as a custodian.
We had lunch every now and again.
Then it became every Wednesday.
- Every Wednesday? - Five years.
He only missed 2.
- This last one 'cause he got sick.
- Did Mr.
Michaelson ever offer to compensate you for this? I think what the judge is getting at is why? - He's got a family.
A beautiful wife and two great kids.
People who need him to live.
With that heart, he's got 3 or 4 years.
- It's just friendship at work.
- And the goodness of my heart.
If you were CEO and he was a janitor, would you be here today? Probably not.
And why is that? If I were the CEO, I doubt I would've brought a street person in from the snow and given him soup.
Sir, you've got to help me out a little.
Why would any sane man swap his good heart for a sick one? Let me ask you a question.
Is there any answer that would satisfy you? See how it's orangy.
After Ally, I took a closer look at mine.
You use too many chemicals.
And I'm prochemical.
- It was just a highlight.
- Did you have head lice as a child? I read once where lice can cause orange hair.
I never had head lice.
It's nothing to be ashamed of, it's common with small children.
- I also had pinworms.
- You did? But they don't cause orange hair, you got that from lice.
- I never had lice.
- Suit yourself.
What's wrong? - Georgia has parasites.
- I do not! Can I talk to you? - Why? - I need to talk.
- Can you give me two minutes? - I'll be in my office.
I mentioned the pinworms in confidence.
Oh.
Yes.
What's up? I don't expect you to never be attracted to other men.
But nor do I expect you to share those attractions with other people.
It's disrespectful to me and to our marriage.
- What? - I can say it louder! It was the way I was tempted to go.
- Billy, that was girl talk.
- Girl talk is "he's cute.
" - It's not "I would have kissed him.
" - I didn't mean I would kiss him You were talking about what you'd like to do admit that.
The fact that you wouldn't, great.
But when you say you would like to kiss another man what does that say about our marriage? Maybe nothing, could be.
But definitely nothing good.
I deserve more respect than that.
Hey! I'm concerned for her hair.
I will not let the guy go.
The weapon was made from a very soft pine.
He's a serial head whacker, how can you not cop to a mis? The guy hits people with a canoe paddle.
- Soft pine.
- Hello? - Suspend the time, we'll plead guilty.
- Six months.
That troubles me.
The guy could hurt somebody.
What are you doing? Renee, I care for you.
In the spirit of friendship, I'd like you to hear me out.
I'm listening.
Not long ago, a man entered a woman's house at night and accosted her foot.
It was an easy conviction for you to get but you didn't get it, why? Because you were up against me.
I'm sure it gave your office pause.
You then faced arrest yourself for kickboxing a man.
You faced a certain criminal record, which you escaped.
Why? Me.
Verdict aside, it had to give your office pause.
Now you have a case.
The defendant assaults innocent people with a weapon.
Imagine the consequences if you lose.
Ponder who you're up against.
Me.
Let me say it again.
Me.
John, you're not going to work your little Biscuit magic in this one.
Not a chance.
It won't take more than a half-hour, but I want the judge to hear from you.
Let him ask questions if he wants.
- Fine.
- Don't have a coronary.
That's funny.
This may seem manipulative, but it would help to have your family there: Kids looking sad.
Don't look at me that way.
It helps.
Did I say anything? I don't want my kids listening to how their dad might die.
That shouldn't happen, but if it does, your wife can escort them out.
- Okay.
- Okay.
It's, it's late.
I'll drive you home.
- We'll see you tomorrow, huh? - Good night.
- Give me the keys, I'll drive.
- I will.
You're dangerous.
Oh, the things that bring people together.
Yeah.
- I'll give you a lift.
- No, I'm taking a cab.
At 11:00 at night? I'm taking you home.
- I'll help hail you a cab then.
- Okay.
I have a a great imaginary world but sometimes I need things to happen for real.
I gotta hear it.
Tell me every little morsel.
Was it a good kiss? Oh, my God! You know how first kisses can be? The lips don't line up.
A little tooth on tooth? This kiss wasn't like that.
Full alignment, upper on upper, lower on lower, and I'm not even going to talk about his tongue.
- Yes, you will.
- Forget it.
- Give it up.
- All I'm gonna say if I bring him to the bar, you'd better not get up and sing to him.
Oh, cute.
- What? - What what? - You're upset.
- I'm not upset.
You're obviously mad about something.
You're the one who's mad, remember? You're the one who's jealous.
Not because I want to kiss Bobby.
You're jealous that she does.
- Who? - Who? Ha! Who, Ally, who.
You are jealous because she - I'm leaving.
- You've never been jealous of me - I was angry when - What about Glenn, with the giant? I even sculpted it.
And you didn't You are projecting your jealousy about her onto me.
- You've been to too many shrinks.
- I have never been to a shrink.
And it shows! The truth is, he's never asked me for anything.
Except the change, when he was on the street.
What about the job? He didn't ask.
I had to practically force it on him.
Mr.
Michaelson, this friendship you have with Mr.
Gilson what do you get out of it? - Besides a new heart? You said it.
That expression, "lonely at the top," you have no idea how true that is.
Every meeting, lunch, or even conversation whoever I'm dealing with looks at me as the boss.
My jokes get laughs, funny or not.
My opinions have automatic credibility.
People even say the mustard looks great on my tie.
A friendship isn't real unless both sides have the right to say, "Go to hell.
" - Does he tell you to go to hell? - Three times a week, at least.
- You could fire him.
- He doesn't care if I fire him.
You love this man? I'd never say so with him in the room.
Doesn't that make it difficult to take his heart? Of course it does.
- As he said, I told him no forever.
- Why did you eventually say yes? I don't want my children to grow up without a father.
My wife.
And Bernie.
I came to believe he really wants this.
When I said he'd never asked for anything, it isn't exactly right.
He's asked me for this.
I see them there all lovey, but clutchy, awkward.
It's fumble-bumble love.
They don't know how to act.
- The couples.
- The couples, yeah.
They're kind of stuck in cutesy neutral and when I see it, I you know - Assault them with canoe paddles.
I accelerate love.
- You accelerate love? - We live in a fast world, judge.
People look for instant gratification.
Like TV today.
The remote: Boom, boom, changing channels.
People have no patience, same thing on a date.
They want to click, click.
Sometimes they get a little stuck so - So you bash them.
- Oh, yes.
It brings out togetherness, nursing.
Nothing bonds like a little crisis.
Four of the 5 couples, their relationships got stronger.
Two are now engaged.
One's married.
- 'Cause you bashed them? - In part, yes.
I'm a cupid.
That fifth couple, they might have made it too, except he was a Christian Scientist, and they fought about the hospital.
Sometimes there's hurdles you don't see coming.
Let me see your teeth.
So now you just make closing arguments? It's not really a closing, but it's one last chance to address the judge.
When Mr.
Michaelson said that you really want this what did he mean? - That I really want this.
I know, but he said it in a way that in addition to helping him you also want it for yourself.
Is that true? - Does it make a difference? - Probably not, but tell me.
If I were to list my life's accomplishments on a piece of paper here, this is it without the paper.
This is my first chance to do something important.
I could die without ever having done anything.
Or I could, I could die giving life to a person I love.
Giving children their father.
Imagine thinking when you go, it'll have mattered that you lived.
And then consider the alternative.
- It has nothing to do with Ally.
- And I would never kiss another man and what I said to Ally didn't disrespect you - Excuse me.
- What?! Sometimes in anger people can lose track of what's being said.
- I'm happy to take the minutes.
- Get out! - Rude.
Snappish.
- Stomping around, throwing pillows.
Huffing about, pretending to be jealous.
What was that? - You're not jealous, what was that? - I wanted to have a fight! You what? I wanted to fight.
So did I.
- You did? - Yeah.
Why did you? - I don't know.
- You do know.
I feel like we're in a rut.
We make love on Tuesdays and Saturdays.
I've been timing it.
It lasts 17 minutes.
Not that it's not a good 17 minutes but we're turning into a corporate Stepford-couple rut! I've been thinking the same thing.
See? We can't even fight without agreeing.
Rut.
- What do we do about it? - I don't know.
You cut your hair.
What else is there? You want me to walk around the house naked? No, I don't want Yeah.
- You do? - Why not? Maybe I might wake up one day and not comb my hair.
Gee.
I think we need to act our age more.
Love.
We all want it.
Don't all get it.
I remember telling my mother in high school I wanted to wait for the perfect girl.
And she said, "Idiot even if you found her, she might be holding out for the perfect man.
" She also said I wouldn't recognize love unless it bonked me on the head.
And I retorted, "Well, why don't you come along with me and if you see love, you hit me on the head so I'll know.
" It was difficult as a young man taking my mother on dates.
And then one night, not a date night, but just one evening I turned to my mother and as I looked into her eyes I could see she was dead.
She'd passed on from an aneurysm.
Right there at the table.
All she said was "ip.
" Sitting in her chair: A quiet little "ip.
" It was her request to have her last words put on her tombstone.
And I see people at the cemetery snickering when they read: "Joanna Cage.
Beloved Mother.
Ip.
" I miss my mother.
Even though she's not here I know she's still with me, smiling down on me.
Hoping I'll find love.
Praying that if ever I do someone will have the kindness to whack me on the head with a paddle.
This case isn't about malice.
It's not about violence.
You know what it's about.
Say it with me.
Love.
This jury moves me.
I don't think it's a real word, "ip.
" - Psychiatric counseling? - Just to be sure.
If a guy's gonna give away his heart it's probably smart to check out his head.
- He was deemed competent.
- Yes.
What if he goes on Prozac and wants to live forever? We could raise that with every client.
We have to do what they want now.
Except what he wants now excludes a later.
I guess I just feel I feel strange going into court, asking for that.
Speaking of feeling strange.
Ally, what happened last night - I don't go around kissing people.
- You don't? Well, I kiss everybody.
That's what I do to get rid of guys.
Once they kiss me, they are gone.
Kidding.
This year I've been involved with a homicide client the D.
A.
, and her best friend who works in my firm.
Maybe I kiss everybody too.
But, last night that kiss.
The judge is coming in.
Okay.
- Judge is back.
- I heard.
- We'd better go.
- Yep.
A man walks down the street.
An indigent asks for money.
They become friends.
The man gets sick, he needs a heart.
The list is long.
He'll never get one.
The homeless guy wants to give him his.
Their tissue type matches.
Consider the odds.
Call it fate, God, luck.
But these two men met for a reason.
They make a private medical choice, and we're gonna let policy interfere? So public policy shouldn't count? We should rubber stamp that? If you determine the motives to be pure? Yes.
Let it be the patient's informed choice.
Okay.
Accepting the argument.
Sit down.
You needn't persuade me your client's for it.
Ms.
McBeal, you certainly know Mr.
Gilson better than I do.
I'm gonna do something new.
Probably not even legal, but so what? As of right now, I deem you judge.
- What? - You're lawyer and judge.
Rule in the best interest of your client.
- You can't do that.
- I just did.
You want to order the hospital? Do it.
- Whatever's best for him.
- It isn't fair.
If I wanted to be a judge, I'd go suck up to a governor.
- Make your ruling, counsel.
- Your Honor, it's beyond unorthodox.
If it's his best interest, say so.
I'll make it legal.
A judge has to have wisdom and integrity.
I am a lawyer.
- Make the call.
- I can't make decisions about hearts.
In your client's best interest, make the call.
Plaintiff's motion denied.
It is so ordered.
Adjourned.
I'm sorry.
I would like to know why.
You seem to measure a man's worth by what he does.
And in my math, it goes more to what he is.
A man who'd sacrifice himself for a friend or children How is that remotely relevant to my private decision? Because your decision is based on your wanting to be something.
- I'm telling you, you already are.
- Have you thought about his kids? - I never would have taken your heart.
- What? I never figured any judge would say yes to this.
- Then what are we doing here? - Yes, what? She's right.
You needed to see this through for your sake.
You went through all this to make me feel like a hero? A little.
And maybe make me a hero too.
See, I've always measured a man by his friends.
I tell my kids that.
So when I die they won't judge me by my will or my job title.
They'll say, "Look at the friend he had in Bernie Gilson.
Willing to give him his own heart.
" Wow.
- You would've taken it.
- I wasn't gonna take it.
- Oh, you lying sack of - You know nothing.
You want my heart for the sick leave.
Which is no big loss.
I've seen the way you sweep.
You'd have taken my heart and brain.
The brain? Might go in arthroscopic.
Talk about a needle in a soft haystack.
You make me want to vomit.
- The jury has reached a verdict? - Yes, Your Honor.
The defendant will please rise.
- What say you? - "Commonwealth vs.
Alan Farmer four counts of misdemeanor assault and battery we, the jury, find the defendant " say it with me: Guilty.
Thank you for your service.
Dismissed.
- What'll happen now, now, now? - I think jail, jail, jail.
This defendant can stay free pending sentencing.
- Is six months still on the table? - Let me think about it.
- I was an apostle of love.
- Yeah.
Spank me.
- Hey, it's 8:00.
Time to go.
- Okay.
- You want to see my sexy new shoes? - Sure.
What do you think? Did you get a good price? - Come with me.
- To where? - Conference room.
- Are you? Everybody's gone.
It's just you and me.
And a big table.
- What about the custodians? - They've all gone.
Come on.
Bobbitt.
Bobby.
That was a Freudian - Do you think I botched this ruling? - You didn't botch anything.
- Listen - You're leaving the state.
Excuse me? This is about the time when men apply for passports.
What? - I can't go out with you right now.
- Oh, gee.
When you say it blunt like that, it almost comes out swell.
I have some baggage: The D.
A.
I mentioned, the woman in my firm - The client who kills people.
- No, she's over.
It's just If I went out with you right now I'd screw it up.
For our relationship, let's not have one? You know what I mean.
I just need a little bit of time.
What, to deal with your old bags? Baggage.
Ow! - Unacceptable! - He's in neutral.
Come on.
- Are you all right? - God.
Yeah.
- Looks like you might have a bump.
- Anyway, where were we? Oh, you were putting me on layaway.
No, I was just asking for a little time.
- So you and Whipper, it looks good? - It looks possible.
- In the meantime.
I'm, you know - A slut.
In high school, boys called me the "Human Window of Opportunity.
" I'm sure you were proud.
It was kind of like a timeshare dump.
He might be back.
Oh, balls! I lost my case.
It's not that I object to sadness.
It's just whenever I get depressed, I raise my hemlines.
If things don't change, I'm bound to be arrested.
Ever wish you could erase a day from your life? Or a year, even? How could you even think that? - So much happened.
- Much of it bad.
Some good, some bad.
Most of it memorable.
- My mother used to tell me - Oh, God! I'm sorry.
What did she say? She'd say, "If you replay your year and it doesn't bring tears of joy or sadness, the year was wasted.
" She was a very profound woman.
And on her tombstone it says "ip.
" Oh, my God.
Just stay completely still.
- Hey, Ally.
- Hi.
How's it going? Fine.
- - Hello? - Hey, witch, heard you won.
- Where are you? - Oh, I'm packing up.
- Feel like a late dinner? - I'll eat anything.
Hurry up.
"If you replay your year and it doesn't bring tears of joy or sadness, the year was wasted.
" You stinker!
You see it? - Move closer to the light.
- I see it.
- Green, right? - I wouldn't say green.
- Pluck it.
No, I'm taking it to the colorist.
It's evidence.
- Is it just the one strand? - No.
I saw two others.
- Oh, yeah.
- Did you see it? Maybe it's dead because sometimes when a follicle dies No, the shaft gets limp and dry-dead.
This one's alive and green.
Bobby! Are you okay? - Yeah, sure.
- Some of Ally's hair is green.
Well, well What brings you here? Two men against a hospital.
Possible conflict of interest so I need outside counsel.
Interested? In you? I mean, I mean what sort of case? They want to switch hearts.
What do you mean? One's got a good heart, the other a congenital disease.
Is that legal? That's the question.
Will you do it with me? Sure.
Sure.
Yeah.
I've solved my dismount.
I've been down this road These are the Days Walking the line That's painted by pride And I have made mistakes in my life That I just can't hide Oh, I believe I am ready For what love has to bring I got myself together Now I'm ready to sing I've been searching my soul tonight I know there's so much more to life Now I know I can shine a light To find my way back home Oh, baby, yeah Oh, yeah They want to do what? One's a CEO with a bad heart.
And one's a janitor with a good heart.
He's willing to give his heart away? The hospital won't do it.
We'll get a court order.
He can have mine.
I never use it.
Kidding.
John, new case.
- Alan Farmer, who's he? - Second cousin.
I apologize.
He goes on trial today.
Misdemeanor battery.
Alan refused.
So, it's come to da da da da da - What did he do? - He assaults happy people.
He assaults happy people? - Yes.
- How does, who? What? He accosts people who are happy.
Renee drew the case.
I anticipate a hard but fair battle.
There.
It's green.
It's definitely green.
- You want me to order what? - Thank you, Your Honor.
It's anyone's right to donate an organ.
- It's not a kidney.
It's his heart.
- The heart is a muscle This man, by taking the weaker heart, could die.
- Which he recognizes.
- He's willing to risk suicide He's willing to risk dying, that's not the same.
This is so repugnant to public policy.
Is Mr.
Michaelson paying this man? There's nothing tainted here.
Who are we to stand in their way? You ask the hospital to participate.
If they want to switch hearts, fine but you can't order the hospital to do it.
- What's to lose for the hospital? - Reputation for starters.
This kind of voodoo surgery could cost federal grants.
Not if some pro-voodoo judge sticks you with a court order.
- The hospital would be off the hook.
- Your Honor, you can't be serious.
Mr.
Gilson, I want to hear from you, I'd be glad to plea.
That's what I said I wanted.
- But I don't want jail.
- They won't agree to no jail.
Can't go to jail.
We go to trial.
- If convicted.
- Can't go to jail.
Well, I was on the subway sitting next to a man I was dating In fact, it was our first date.
- Tell the court what happened.
- He was riding me to my stop.
And we were just talking and laughing.
And then thwap.
- "Thwap"? - That awful person hit me, vicious.
Objection to "awful" and "vicious.
" I'd also be seeking to strike "thwap" on grounds of ambiguity.
I'll strike "awful" and "vicious.
" - Did he hit you with his hand? - No, he had a sawed-off paddle.
A paddle? Like you would use for a canoe if it were normal length but he had sawed it into a weapon and he hit me.
Right before you got hit, did you and your date kiss? No.
- Were you thinking of kissing? - Well, we could've been.
- But you didn't.
- No.
You were thinking of kissing, but didn't.
Is that your testimony? I guess.
Thank you.
That's the list of money he's given him.
- So, he has taken money.
- Nothing quid pro quo.
- But why do think he's doing this? - They're friends.
A custodian and a CEO.
And you believe that? I thought I was the hardened, jaded one.
I came to you because you still practice innocence.
But even so.
Friends don't I consider you and I to be friends.
- I wouldn't even give you blood.
- Yeah, you would.
Anyway, thanks for taking this case.
Sure.
Ally, you know I I showed up at your bar once, in your office.
Saw all you guys dancing.
- You all seem to have fun together.
- We do.
- When's the last time you danced? - Me? Uh, I dance.
Oh, I know.
But, but, the last time.
Do you even remember? Not really.
I have time for one.
What? It's past 10.
We have to be in court at 9.
Right here.
One dance.
You're due.
- Hear the music in your head.
- In my head? You can do that, can't you? Sure.
Okay.
Dance.
- So, I just pretend to hear the music? - That's all.
You hear it? I'm beginning to.
Did you kiss him? - No, we just - Danced to pretend music.
- It wasn't clingy slow.
Slow is slow.
I would have kissed him.
Billy.
Billy! If I were you.
I'm, I'm you know? - Married.
- Married.
I've got green hair, and I'm due in court.
This guy, Donnell.
He does it for you, huh? Me? No, no.
Are you kidding? I don't even think he's good-looking.
Maybe he is.
I don't even remember.
I was in the theater.
The movie was slow.
I rested my head against my date's, then boom.
I get hit on the temple.
- Was it a vicious hit? - Objection.
Sustained.
- Did you see who did it? - He did.
He had a mini boat paddle.
He whacked me with it.
You let your head fall against the woman next to you? - She was my date.
- Not your girlfriend.
- She's my fiancée.
- At the time? - No, but later we became engaged.
- At the time you were untoward.
Are you kidding? Your Honor - Would you step up here? - What? Step up here, please.
- Let me see your teeth.
- Excuse me? Let me see your teeth.
You have something Uh, why it's spinach.
I am very, very disappointed.
- What's going on? - Mr.
Cage, any more questions? No, Your Honor.
Our witness has a piece of spinach caught in an incisor.
When oral decay starts between the tooth and the gum bacteria builds colonies.
Even the most nutritious vegetable can turn into Vietnam.
- Let's just call this off.
- Don't be such a quitter.
Don't call me a quitter.
- You're a quitter.
- A quitter? I take questions in the witness chair.
That's why we're here.
Hey! Hey, hey! Let's just go inside.
Bobby is waiting for us.
I want to talk to Ms.
McBeal for a second.
- About what? - Just go.
- She's my lawyer.
- I'm planning your birthday party.
- He's not gonna be grilled up there? - He's not on trial for anything.
That other lawyer seemed a little aggressive.
If he tries to humiliate Bernie There wouldn't be a motive to beat him up.
It should be okay.
All right.
- How did you meet Mr.
Michaelson? - I asked him for change.
He was walking by one day.
That was in 1989.
- He gave you change? - He gave me a $5 bill.
And every Wednesday for the next - Did you talk? - Not really.
He'd say, "How are you today?" He'd look me in the eye.
- More than I'd got from most people.
- How did you become best friends? Well, one day it was snowing.
He brought me to this place for some soup.
And we started talking.
It was easy to find things to talk about.
We played high school ball in the same conference.
We just hit it off.
- And? - Gave me a job as a custodian.
We had lunch every now and again.
Then it became every Wednesday.
- Every Wednesday? - Five years.
He only missed 2.
- This last one 'cause he got sick.
- Did Mr.
Michaelson ever offer to compensate you for this? I think what the judge is getting at is why? - He's got a family.
A beautiful wife and two great kids.
People who need him to live.
With that heart, he's got 3 or 4 years.
- It's just friendship at work.
- And the goodness of my heart.
If you were CEO and he was a janitor, would you be here today? Probably not.
And why is that? If I were the CEO, I doubt I would've brought a street person in from the snow and given him soup.
Sir, you've got to help me out a little.
Why would any sane man swap his good heart for a sick one? Let me ask you a question.
Is there any answer that would satisfy you? See how it's orangy.
After Ally, I took a closer look at mine.
You use too many chemicals.
And I'm prochemical.
- It was just a highlight.
- Did you have head lice as a child? I read once where lice can cause orange hair.
I never had head lice.
It's nothing to be ashamed of, it's common with small children.
- I also had pinworms.
- You did? But they don't cause orange hair, you got that from lice.
- I never had lice.
- Suit yourself.
What's wrong? - Georgia has parasites.
- I do not! Can I talk to you? - Why? - I need to talk.
- Can you give me two minutes? - I'll be in my office.
I mentioned the pinworms in confidence.
Oh.
Yes.
What's up? I don't expect you to never be attracted to other men.
But nor do I expect you to share those attractions with other people.
It's disrespectful to me and to our marriage.
- What? - I can say it louder! It was the way I was tempted to go.
- Billy, that was girl talk.
- Girl talk is "he's cute.
" - It's not "I would have kissed him.
" - I didn't mean I would kiss him You were talking about what you'd like to do admit that.
The fact that you wouldn't, great.
But when you say you would like to kiss another man what does that say about our marriage? Maybe nothing, could be.
But definitely nothing good.
I deserve more respect than that.
Hey! I'm concerned for her hair.
I will not let the guy go.
The weapon was made from a very soft pine.
He's a serial head whacker, how can you not cop to a mis? The guy hits people with a canoe paddle.
- Soft pine.
- Hello? - Suspend the time, we'll plead guilty.
- Six months.
That troubles me.
The guy could hurt somebody.
What are you doing? Renee, I care for you.
In the spirit of friendship, I'd like you to hear me out.
I'm listening.
Not long ago, a man entered a woman's house at night and accosted her foot.
It was an easy conviction for you to get but you didn't get it, why? Because you were up against me.
I'm sure it gave your office pause.
You then faced arrest yourself for kickboxing a man.
You faced a certain criminal record, which you escaped.
Why? Me.
Verdict aside, it had to give your office pause.
Now you have a case.
The defendant assaults innocent people with a weapon.
Imagine the consequences if you lose.
Ponder who you're up against.
Me.
Let me say it again.
Me.
John, you're not going to work your little Biscuit magic in this one.
Not a chance.
It won't take more than a half-hour, but I want the judge to hear from you.
Let him ask questions if he wants.
- Fine.
- Don't have a coronary.
That's funny.
This may seem manipulative, but it would help to have your family there: Kids looking sad.
Don't look at me that way.
It helps.
Did I say anything? I don't want my kids listening to how their dad might die.
That shouldn't happen, but if it does, your wife can escort them out.
- Okay.
- Okay.
It's, it's late.
I'll drive you home.
- We'll see you tomorrow, huh? - Good night.
- Give me the keys, I'll drive.
- I will.
You're dangerous.
Oh, the things that bring people together.
Yeah.
- I'll give you a lift.
- No, I'm taking a cab.
At 11:00 at night? I'm taking you home.
- I'll help hail you a cab then.
- Okay.
I have a a great imaginary world but sometimes I need things to happen for real.
I gotta hear it.
Tell me every little morsel.
Was it a good kiss? Oh, my God! You know how first kisses can be? The lips don't line up.
A little tooth on tooth? This kiss wasn't like that.
Full alignment, upper on upper, lower on lower, and I'm not even going to talk about his tongue.
- Yes, you will.
- Forget it.
- Give it up.
- All I'm gonna say if I bring him to the bar, you'd better not get up and sing to him.
Oh, cute.
- What? - What what? - You're upset.
- I'm not upset.
You're obviously mad about something.
You're the one who's mad, remember? You're the one who's jealous.
Not because I want to kiss Bobby.
You're jealous that she does.
- Who? - Who? Ha! Who, Ally, who.
You are jealous because she - I'm leaving.
- You've never been jealous of me - I was angry when - What about Glenn, with the giant? I even sculpted it.
And you didn't You are projecting your jealousy about her onto me.
- You've been to too many shrinks.
- I have never been to a shrink.
And it shows! The truth is, he's never asked me for anything.
Except the change, when he was on the street.
What about the job? He didn't ask.
I had to practically force it on him.
Mr.
Michaelson, this friendship you have with Mr.
Gilson what do you get out of it? - Besides a new heart? You said it.
That expression, "lonely at the top," you have no idea how true that is.
Every meeting, lunch, or even conversation whoever I'm dealing with looks at me as the boss.
My jokes get laughs, funny or not.
My opinions have automatic credibility.
People even say the mustard looks great on my tie.
A friendship isn't real unless both sides have the right to say, "Go to hell.
" - Does he tell you to go to hell? - Three times a week, at least.
- You could fire him.
- He doesn't care if I fire him.
You love this man? I'd never say so with him in the room.
Doesn't that make it difficult to take his heart? Of course it does.
- As he said, I told him no forever.
- Why did you eventually say yes? I don't want my children to grow up without a father.
My wife.
And Bernie.
I came to believe he really wants this.
When I said he'd never asked for anything, it isn't exactly right.
He's asked me for this.
I see them there all lovey, but clutchy, awkward.
It's fumble-bumble love.
They don't know how to act.
- The couples.
- The couples, yeah.
They're kind of stuck in cutesy neutral and when I see it, I you know - Assault them with canoe paddles.
I accelerate love.
- You accelerate love? - We live in a fast world, judge.
People look for instant gratification.
Like TV today.
The remote: Boom, boom, changing channels.
People have no patience, same thing on a date.
They want to click, click.
Sometimes they get a little stuck so - So you bash them.
- Oh, yes.
It brings out togetherness, nursing.
Nothing bonds like a little crisis.
Four of the 5 couples, their relationships got stronger.
Two are now engaged.
One's married.
- 'Cause you bashed them? - In part, yes.
I'm a cupid.
That fifth couple, they might have made it too, except he was a Christian Scientist, and they fought about the hospital.
Sometimes there's hurdles you don't see coming.
Let me see your teeth.
So now you just make closing arguments? It's not really a closing, but it's one last chance to address the judge.
When Mr.
Michaelson said that you really want this what did he mean? - That I really want this.
I know, but he said it in a way that in addition to helping him you also want it for yourself.
Is that true? - Does it make a difference? - Probably not, but tell me.
If I were to list my life's accomplishments on a piece of paper here, this is it without the paper.
This is my first chance to do something important.
I could die without ever having done anything.
Or I could, I could die giving life to a person I love.
Giving children their father.
Imagine thinking when you go, it'll have mattered that you lived.
And then consider the alternative.
- It has nothing to do with Ally.
- And I would never kiss another man and what I said to Ally didn't disrespect you - Excuse me.
- What?! Sometimes in anger people can lose track of what's being said.
- I'm happy to take the minutes.
- Get out! - Rude.
Snappish.
- Stomping around, throwing pillows.
Huffing about, pretending to be jealous.
What was that? - You're not jealous, what was that? - I wanted to have a fight! You what? I wanted to fight.
So did I.
- You did? - Yeah.
Why did you? - I don't know.
- You do know.
I feel like we're in a rut.
We make love on Tuesdays and Saturdays.
I've been timing it.
It lasts 17 minutes.
Not that it's not a good 17 minutes but we're turning into a corporate Stepford-couple rut! I've been thinking the same thing.
See? We can't even fight without agreeing.
Rut.
- What do we do about it? - I don't know.
You cut your hair.
What else is there? You want me to walk around the house naked? No, I don't want Yeah.
- You do? - Why not? Maybe I might wake up one day and not comb my hair.
Gee.
I think we need to act our age more.
Love.
We all want it.
Don't all get it.
I remember telling my mother in high school I wanted to wait for the perfect girl.
And she said, "Idiot even if you found her, she might be holding out for the perfect man.
" She also said I wouldn't recognize love unless it bonked me on the head.
And I retorted, "Well, why don't you come along with me and if you see love, you hit me on the head so I'll know.
" It was difficult as a young man taking my mother on dates.
And then one night, not a date night, but just one evening I turned to my mother and as I looked into her eyes I could see she was dead.
She'd passed on from an aneurysm.
Right there at the table.
All she said was "ip.
" Sitting in her chair: A quiet little "ip.
" It was her request to have her last words put on her tombstone.
And I see people at the cemetery snickering when they read: "Joanna Cage.
Beloved Mother.
Ip.
" I miss my mother.
Even though she's not here I know she's still with me, smiling down on me.
Hoping I'll find love.
Praying that if ever I do someone will have the kindness to whack me on the head with a paddle.
This case isn't about malice.
It's not about violence.
You know what it's about.
Say it with me.
Love.
This jury moves me.
I don't think it's a real word, "ip.
" - Psychiatric counseling? - Just to be sure.
If a guy's gonna give away his heart it's probably smart to check out his head.
- He was deemed competent.
- Yes.
What if he goes on Prozac and wants to live forever? We could raise that with every client.
We have to do what they want now.
Except what he wants now excludes a later.
I guess I just feel I feel strange going into court, asking for that.
Speaking of feeling strange.
Ally, what happened last night - I don't go around kissing people.
- You don't? Well, I kiss everybody.
That's what I do to get rid of guys.
Once they kiss me, they are gone.
Kidding.
This year I've been involved with a homicide client the D.
A.
, and her best friend who works in my firm.
Maybe I kiss everybody too.
But, last night that kiss.
The judge is coming in.
Okay.
- Judge is back.
- I heard.
- We'd better go.
- Yep.
A man walks down the street.
An indigent asks for money.
They become friends.
The man gets sick, he needs a heart.
The list is long.
He'll never get one.
The homeless guy wants to give him his.
Their tissue type matches.
Consider the odds.
Call it fate, God, luck.
But these two men met for a reason.
They make a private medical choice, and we're gonna let policy interfere? So public policy shouldn't count? We should rubber stamp that? If you determine the motives to be pure? Yes.
Let it be the patient's informed choice.
Okay.
Accepting the argument.
Sit down.
You needn't persuade me your client's for it.
Ms.
McBeal, you certainly know Mr.
Gilson better than I do.
I'm gonna do something new.
Probably not even legal, but so what? As of right now, I deem you judge.
- What? - You're lawyer and judge.
Rule in the best interest of your client.
- You can't do that.
- I just did.
You want to order the hospital? Do it.
- Whatever's best for him.
- It isn't fair.
If I wanted to be a judge, I'd go suck up to a governor.
- Make your ruling, counsel.
- Your Honor, it's beyond unorthodox.
If it's his best interest, say so.
I'll make it legal.
A judge has to have wisdom and integrity.
I am a lawyer.
- Make the call.
- I can't make decisions about hearts.
In your client's best interest, make the call.
Plaintiff's motion denied.
It is so ordered.
Adjourned.
I'm sorry.
I would like to know why.
You seem to measure a man's worth by what he does.
And in my math, it goes more to what he is.
A man who'd sacrifice himself for a friend or children How is that remotely relevant to my private decision? Because your decision is based on your wanting to be something.
- I'm telling you, you already are.
- Have you thought about his kids? - I never would have taken your heart.
- What? I never figured any judge would say yes to this.
- Then what are we doing here? - Yes, what? She's right.
You needed to see this through for your sake.
You went through all this to make me feel like a hero? A little.
And maybe make me a hero too.
See, I've always measured a man by his friends.
I tell my kids that.
So when I die they won't judge me by my will or my job title.
They'll say, "Look at the friend he had in Bernie Gilson.
Willing to give him his own heart.
" Wow.
- You would've taken it.
- I wasn't gonna take it.
- Oh, you lying sack of - You know nothing.
You want my heart for the sick leave.
Which is no big loss.
I've seen the way you sweep.
You'd have taken my heart and brain.
The brain? Might go in arthroscopic.
Talk about a needle in a soft haystack.
You make me want to vomit.
- The jury has reached a verdict? - Yes, Your Honor.
The defendant will please rise.
- What say you? - "Commonwealth vs.
Alan Farmer four counts of misdemeanor assault and battery we, the jury, find the defendant " say it with me: Guilty.
Thank you for your service.
Dismissed.
- What'll happen now, now, now? - I think jail, jail, jail.
This defendant can stay free pending sentencing.
- Is six months still on the table? - Let me think about it.
- I was an apostle of love.
- Yeah.
Spank me.
- Hey, it's 8:00.
Time to go.
- Okay.
- You want to see my sexy new shoes? - Sure.
What do you think? Did you get a good price? - Come with me.
- To where? - Conference room.
- Are you? Everybody's gone.
It's just you and me.
And a big table.
- What about the custodians? - They've all gone.
Come on.
Bobbitt.
Bobby.
That was a Freudian - Do you think I botched this ruling? - You didn't botch anything.
- Listen - You're leaving the state.
Excuse me? This is about the time when men apply for passports.
What? - I can't go out with you right now.
- Oh, gee.
When you say it blunt like that, it almost comes out swell.
I have some baggage: The D.
A.
I mentioned, the woman in my firm - The client who kills people.
- No, she's over.
It's just If I went out with you right now I'd screw it up.
For our relationship, let's not have one? You know what I mean.
I just need a little bit of time.
What, to deal with your old bags? Baggage.
Ow! - Unacceptable! - He's in neutral.
Come on.
- Are you all right? - God.
Yeah.
- Looks like you might have a bump.
- Anyway, where were we? Oh, you were putting me on layaway.
No, I was just asking for a little time.
- So you and Whipper, it looks good? - It looks possible.
- In the meantime.
I'm, you know - A slut.
In high school, boys called me the "Human Window of Opportunity.
" I'm sure you were proud.
It was kind of like a timeshare dump.
He might be back.
Oh, balls! I lost my case.
It's not that I object to sadness.
It's just whenever I get depressed, I raise my hemlines.
If things don't change, I'm bound to be arrested.
Ever wish you could erase a day from your life? Or a year, even? How could you even think that? - So much happened.
- Much of it bad.
Some good, some bad.
Most of it memorable.
- My mother used to tell me - Oh, God! I'm sorry.
What did she say? She'd say, "If you replay your year and it doesn't bring tears of joy or sadness, the year was wasted.
" She was a very profound woman.
And on her tombstone it says "ip.
" Oh, my God.
Just stay completely still.
- Hey, Ally.
- Hi.
How's it going? Fine.
- - Hello? - Hey, witch, heard you won.
- Where are you? - Oh, I'm packing up.
- Feel like a late dinner? - I'll eat anything.
Hurry up.
"If you replay your year and it doesn't bring tears of joy or sadness, the year was wasted.
" You stinker!