Big Nate (2022) s01e23 Episode Script

1
- Good morning, children.
- [snoring]
- As you all know,
some fifth graders
from Rackleff Elementary
will be visiting us today
to kick off Buddy Week
to help them determine
if they want to come
to school here next year.
Now, as a reminder,
the more students we have
at PS 38, the more
government funding we get,
which means we can finally
afford to get those bears
out of the boys' locker room.
[laughs]
- [screams]
- [bear roars]
- Now, if and only if,
you all get signatures from
your fifth grade buddies
promising to attend PS 38
next year of course,
and I mean every single
one of you, you will all get
a field trip to
the Museum of Fried Delights
where anything can be fried
and eaten.
[laughs]
Fired.
[screams]
Bad idea. Bad idea.
All chanting: Fried food!
Fried food!
- [gasps] This is amazing.
- All right, you future
drains on society,
meet your new buddies.
Francis, here's yours.
- Uh, hi. I'm Francis.
What's your name?
- That's not relevant.
What's truly important
is the social dynamic among
this colony of cannibal ants
I'm breeding.
[screams]
- [screams]
- [screams]
- That is awesome.
- Chad, this is your buddy.
Go play.
- Tell me, Chad.
Have you ever tried
the Pacific Hokkaido octopus?
- [gasps]
[munches and laughs]
- All right,
where's Kim Cressly?
- Everywhere and nowhere,
and also right here.
- Well, you've been
paired up with
looks like her name is also Kim.
Both: Ha-keeya ooh-ah.
[laughter]
- This is awesome.
Everybody's got so much
in common with their buddies.
- Nate Wright, time for you
to meet your new buddy.
- Ooh.
[mimics plane noises]
Glad tidings, good sir.
I'm Lady Leah Chatworth
of Montague.
A gentlewoman from
the northern Moors.
It is an honor to
make your acquaintance.
- Uh, hi.
I'm Nate from Rackleff.
- Harkest to me carefully, Nate.
- Okay, I'm harkesting.
- Dost thou know where
we can get some leeches?
A good blood let will do us
well in these trying times.
[all whispering]
- We've got a problem here.
[upbeat music]
- Don't want to go
to school today ♪
The sun is red hot
and I wanna play ♪
But if I get caught
they'll make me pay ♪
Detention again ♪
- Big Nate, Big Nate ♪
- Math and social studies
just ain't my thing ♪
- Big Nate, Big Nate ♪
- Rocking with my band
is where I'm king ♪
Stealing the teacher's teeth
or bailing on a test ♪
- Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh,
ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh ♪
Big Nate ♪
[loud clang]
[loud crash]
[dramatic music]
- [screams]
$500 for the electric bill?
I don't understand.
I paid this bill ages ago.
There must be some mistake.
[screams and groans]
- In other news, local man
builds farm in backyard.
- Huh?
- I was unable to pay
my bills, you see.
The government, they're, like,
using our water supply
to take our DNA,
but then I built a farm
in my own backyard
and created my own fertilizer.
[chuckles]
And my problems went away.
[laughs]
[siren wails]
Got to run.
- [gasps] Family meeting.
All right, kids,
I've got some news.
- What's happening?
Why is the Wi-Fi down?
[deep voice]
Answer me.
- Oh, well
- [screams]
Dad, what have you done?
How will we live?
- All right, listen closely.
I'm about to make a speech.
Technology is ripping
our society a part.
We don't need all
these modern conveniences.
- What? Like indoor plumbing?
- Uh, well, yes,
but I say to you today
henceforth our family is
going to live off of our land.
- The neighbor's Wi-Fi,
it kind of works.
- Grab your gardening gloves,
Ellen.
The Wright Family Farm
is open for business.
Well, not yet.
We have to learn how to farm.
- Oh, great.
No power, no water,
and at school I've got
a fifth grade buddy
who thinks she's living
in the Middle Ages.
[horse whinnies]
[trumpets sound]
[acoustic lute music]
- Hey, Leah.
What you doing?
- Preparing for
the coming battle.
Our village is threatened.
Darkness descendeth.
Many will be maimed,
which is why I asked thee
about the leeches yesterday.
Cool. Cool, cool, cool.
Hey, right.
Um, so I was thinking that
maybe we could prepare for
that coming battle later.
- Dost thou not understand?
Rothgar the Wicked will unleash
his army of Corn People
on mine village.
Truly this must be
preventeth ed.
Preventethed.
- Oh, okay.
Yeah, but you do have to go to
school at some point, right?
And there's no better school
than PS 38.
- [screams]
- [sighs] Nay.
School is not for me, Nate.
When I grow into
a lady of sixth grade,
I will choose to be schooled
at home where I belongeth.
- Homeschooled? Bro, no way.
She's got to come to our school
or I'm never gonna get to know
what fried cargo shorts
taste like.
- What? You don't want
to go to school.
Why not?
- The other maids
and maidens at school,
they mocketh me, Nate.
They pointeth and chortleth
and sometime noogie-eth.
- That's wow.
That sounds really tough.
I'm sorry you have to
deal with that.
- [chuckles] Don't be.
'Tis the way of the wind.
If you must,
you may show me to your
not-terrible science class.
- I don't get it, sweetie.
We planted the seeds,
we watered, and fed them.
You were good in school.
What are we doing wrong here?
- Well, since plants are
living organisms,
they also need time to grow.
- Time? We don't
have time for time.
- No? Well, I guess we better
just go back to
our normal lives them.
Do you want to call
the power company or should I?
- Pfft, nope.
I've got a better idea.
[wind blows]
Pedro, we need a miracle.
- Yes, I see.
Interesting.
You were lucky to come to me.
The way you were going,
it could've taken years
for you to grow anything.
Maybe even decades.
- Okay, that can't
That's not true.
- Oh, it's true, chiquita,
'cause soil in Rackleff
is deader than the disco.
Tell me, would you ever plant
seashell in a cup of gasoline?
- My heart says y y
No?
[acoustic guitar music]
♪
- [gasps] Ooh, pretty.
[gasps]
How much is this one?
Bad idea. She's toxic.
You'll be on the toilet
till next Tuesday.
- What about this one here?
- Very poisonous.
- And this one?
- Deadly.
Spits venom.
Causes Rinderpest.
Hookworm, blindness,
causes chickenpox.
[plant squawks]
Acne, explosive diarrhea.
[thunder rumbles]
- Do you have any safe plants?
Ones that bear fruit
or vegetables?
- Oh, nope.
I just wanted to show you
my collection.
I'm a collector.
- What? I thought you said
we were lucky we came to you.
- I did?
Oh, yes because of this.
I give you Uncle Pedro's
colossal homegrown
underground chemical
kick-starter.
I call it Upchuck.
- Upchuck?
It sounds expensive,
and I only have a buck 70.
- An astonishing
coincidence, amigo.
This jug happens to be on sale
for $1.70.
I throw in some
spiked lotus seedlings
as a thank you
for your business.
They're probably lethal.
- You've got yourself a deal.
- Chuck it up.
- Mm-hmm, now, be careful
with that Upchuck.
A little bit goes
a long, long way.
- Don't worry,
I'll keep him in check.
Whoa.
♪
- [burps and farts] [laughter]
- What'd you expect, Nate?
A buddy obsessed with
drawing comics
and just being awesome
all the time?
- No, but how about someone
who isn't living
in some fantasy world
from the 1300s?
- What? Rothgar the Wicked?
Total destruction?
It can't be.
- Um, Leah's talking
to your frog.
- Um, not that surprising,
frankly.
But hey, if the frog talks
back, I want to know about it.
- Now, who can show me where
their frog's
small intestines is?
Nate?
- I um pass?
- Nate, our frog
is no simple frog.
Nay, she is the frog of destiny.
- Hmm?
- Right. Cool.
A frog of destiny.
Oh, okay, you mean like
destined to fight in the war?
- Aye! Now, quickly.
We must make haste
for she is bitter cold.
Fetch a hot cloth
and some butter from
the handmaiden's quarters
and meet me in the garden.
- It's worse
than I thought, bro.
She's bonkers and a frog thief.
- Oh, yeah.
She is off her rocker.
[jazz music]
♪
- [groans] What are you doing?
Go after her, dummy.
If we want any chance
of getting her signature,
you're gonna have to
join Leah in the 13th century.
- As in time travel?
[groans]
- Just figure it out, okay?
Our fried fate is in thy hands.
[dogs whining]
- Rest now, frog of destiny,
for I will summon thee
when thoust art needed more
than ever before.
- Leah.
[pants]
Leah, wait.
- Nate, didst thou
bring the items?
- Oh, yes I broughteth
the hot clotheth
and some margarine-eth, m'lady.
- [gasps]
What didst thy say?
- I brought the margarine.
[chuckles]
Eth.
- Nay, after that.
- Oh. No, I said, "m'lady."
- [gasps]
[dreamy music]
If mine eyes doth
not deceive me,
thou art the brave knight
foretold by the two-eyed oracle.
- Uh, sure.
Yeah, okay. Why not?
- Whost will help defeat
the evil Rothgar
and saveth the day.
- [laughs]
Okay, yup. That's me.
Yeah, helping all the time.
[laughs]
- And will one day
professeth his love for me.
[glass shatters]
- Uh, I'm sorry.
Frog of destiny says what?
[laughter]
Laugh it up.
Yeah, I'm glad you're all
getting such joy from my misery.
What am I supposed to do now?
- Aw. Oh.
- Are you kidding?
Nothing.
- Nate, think about it.
This is perfect.
Leah thinks you're her knight
in shining armor.
- Yeah, she's never gonna want
to leave your side, bro.
Like, ever.
- She's definitely gonna want
to come to school here now.
- Well, yeah, but
- Don't overthink it.
Before you know it,
we'll all be chowing down
on piles of fried food.
- I already got
a Jimmy Hancock from my buddy.
- It's only a matter of time
before you get yours to sign.
- Just lean in,
read her some Shakespeare,
be her Nate in shining armor.
- Helmet wipe.
- Can you believe
we used to pay for this stuff?
- Got to admit, Dad,
I'm impressed.
- Ditto. With the veggies
already budding,
it won't be long before we can
live entirely off the land.
[stomach growls]
Weird. I'm getting a strange
sensation in my belly.
Could it be pride?
- I'm proud of you.
- Or hunger.
We haven't eaten in two days.
- Nope, it's definitely pride.
- Dad, Pedro said
we're supposed to only use
a little bit of Upchuck.
- More Upchuck,
more food, honey.
I am the greatest farmer alive.
- [whispers]
- Ah, mine garden salad.
Thank you, kind sir.
- But of course, m'lady.
Mm.
[clears throat]
Uh, Leah,
"shall I compare thee
to a summer's day?
"Thou art more, uh, tempura,
uh, tana hama."
- [gasps]
I shall never let thee go.
- Your love is
like a garden salad ♪
It lifts me up like
a cheesy love ballad ♪
Onions the spice
with sweet dressing added ♪
Your love is
like a garden salad ♪
Your love is like
a garden salad ♪
♪
You make my heart
skip a beet ♪
The kind of beet that grows
in the ground ♪
♪
No one can kale on my vibe ♪
As I sing this kind of song,
I sound very profound ♪
You light my fire
like a jalapeño pepper ♪
Won't you please say
you'll be mine ♪
There's so much room
in my heart for you ♪
But I'm running out
of vegetables that rhyme ♪
Your love is
like a garden salad ♪
It picks me up
like a cheesy love ballad ♪
Onions the spice
with sweet dressing added ♪
Your love is
like a garden salad ♪
Your love is
like a garden salad ♪
- I've been thinking, Leah.
Things are going
really well between us.
- I, too, have been
musing on that.
- And this is crazy,
but what if you didn't
get homeschooled next year?
And hear me out, instead you
came to school with me
at PS 38.
- [screams]
- Pray tell, this isn't about
that silly attendance form.
Is it, Nate?
- [laughs]
That? No, no, no.
No way.
Ha. What attendance form?
- [sighs] 'Tis a great relief.
For I just I cannot.
I'm sorry.
But school,
'tis no place for me.
- Yeah, no, I know, but
[groans]
- Thanks for being
so nice to me.
- You make it pretty easy.
It's just, um, about next year.
I really think we should
consider our future, Leah.
- Oh, Nate, why didn't you just
come out and say so?
I do, Nate.
I do, I do, I do.
- You do what exactly?
- I accept thy hand in marriage.
We will wed on the morrow
of a yonder in the meadow.
- Wed on the morrow?
[trumpet sounds
and thunder crashes]
She loves me, you guys.
I can't do this anymore.
I'm out.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Let's pump the brakes.
Have you thought about
the consequences
of your actions here?
- Yes, which is why I'm done.
- This isn't just your fried
food we're talking about here.
It's all of our fried food.
- In the defense
of health and wellness,
would it really be so bad
if we didn't spend an entire
day devouring fried
[groans]
- I'm messing with
this girl's heart.
I'm coming clean.
End of story.
- Dude, everyone else
has got in their signatures.
Leah's the only one left.
- Do what needs to be done,
Nate Wright.
- Even if I did get her to sign
the attendance form then what?
She thinks we're gonna
get married.
Oh, what are we gonna do?
I mean, like,
stage a fake wedding?
- Hmm.
[Richard Wagner's
"Here Comes the Bride"]
♪
- That gets signed
or we're all doomed.
- Not my first
fake wedding, bucko.
♪
- What exactly is
happening here?
- I don't know.
Some kind of dork wedding
performance, I guess.
- Hmm. I'm gonna pretend
to go to the bathroom.
- I'll go with you.
- We are gathered here today
to watch two gelatinous blobs
unite with one another.
A beautiful union of two
organ sacks converging to form
one bigger, better,
mushier blob.
'Till death do you part.
- [groans]
- Art thou not well, my love?
Thou art soaking
in perspiration.
- [laughs]
- Okay.
Well, it looks like
all that's left to do here
is sign this very real
marriage contract.
- "I hereby agree to
come to PS 38 for
the next school year."
- Okay. You know what?
I don't think anybody
really reads those things
anymore anyway, so
- This isn't a wedding.
You don't love me, Nate.
You don't even like me.
None of you like me.
- That's not true, Leah.
- We do like you.
- We like you a lot.
- I'm ambivalent.
- I never meant
anything to you, did I?
You just wanted me
to sign your stupid form,
so you could go eat
fried marmalade
and other weird fried things.
[crying]
- Okay, that that
was messed up.
Not even here.
- [groans]
- Dude, I thought you were
so much better than this.
Uncool.
[thunder rolls]
- [sighs] I'm a total jerketh.
- I shouldn't have never agreed
to do this stupid buddy thing.
I just want to go home forever.
[cries]
[groans]
Hey, help.
Somebody, help.
[screams]
- It's Leah.
Something's wrong.
I'm coming, Leah.
[groans]
[heroic music]
♪
Leah, Leah, listen for my voice.
- No, go away.
- But I'm coming to help you.
- Send someone else.
- No, I'm gonna make this right.
- Saddle up, people.
We got a battle to fight.
- Take no prisoners.
- For glory!
♪
[indistinct shouts]
- [groans]
Listen to my voice, Leah.
I
[groans]
I have to tell you something.
Yes, I was pretending
to like you.
I was a jerk
and I'm really sorry,
but then then I started
to like you for real.
Like, like-like you.
- I agree, you were a jerk,
but keep going.
I'm listening.
- [groans]
I want to make it right.
Just not right this second
'cause an angry vine
is currently constricting
my small intestines.
[groans]
I'm sorry, Leah.
I think the two-eyed oracle
messed up.
I can't saveth the day.
[groans]
I can't even move.
- Nay, the oracle
did foretelleth
of a brave knight
that would saveth the day.
[laughter]
- For Leah!
- But they said nothing
of doing it alone.
[groans]
- Leah!
Help!
- Don't worry, Nate.
♪
Nate, what happened?
- Dee Dee, is that you?
- Yes, Nate, it's me.
Are you hurt?
- No, just really
[retches]
- [gasps]
- Hungry.
These beets are
too earthy for my palate.
- [groans]
No time to eat, you got to save
your made-up fiancée.
♪
- Huh? Leah.
- Nate, you must save me
from Rothgar.
Remember the frog.
- What I don't see Rothgar.
You're tangled in vines
and wait.
What about the frog?
- The only way to defeat
Rothgar's curse
is to summon
the frog of destiny.
- No, no, no.
You buried the frog at school.
It's gone. Thankfully.
And I don't have the margarine
or the hot cloth.
- You must believe, Nate.
It will take a strong mind
to defeat the wicked Rothgar.
Or just improvise.
- [groans]
- You can do it, Nate.
Just use your imagination.
[bell dings]
[metal clangs]
- Frog of destiny,
I beseech you.
Stretch outeth your illustrious
fly-catching tongue
beneatheth the soft pavement
at PS 38-eth
and slurpeth out
Rothgar's curse.
♪
- [groans]
- [screams]
- [laughs]
- Oh.
- [laughs]
- Uh
[laughs]
♪
- Hey, Leah. I hope there
aren't any hard feelings.
We feel really bad.
- Yeah, this is
just a classic case of
our preadolescent stomachs
overpowering our brains.
- It's all right. I had
a really kick-butt week here.
I've never met
anyone like you guys before.
And Nate, you still
came through as my knight.
- [gasps]
Does that mean you're
coming to PS 38 next year?
- [laughs] Oh, no.
No, no, no, no.
Your school is a total dump.
Jefferson Middle School
has a jousting team,
and I've already been
recruited as the head stabber.
But now, I must depart this
Earthly realm.
Farewell, Middle Schoolers.
[mimics plane noises]
[upbeat music]
- You know, I actually feel
pretty good about this.
Sure, we may not
be getting any fried food
and Nichols isn't going to get
those bears out of
the boys' locker room.
- [screams]
- [bear roars]
- But I think in the end it was
the right thing to do.
So what do you say, guys?
Want to eat some veggies?
Ooh.
I still feel good about this.
[soft acoustic guitar music]
- Sun, moon,
and stars above ♪
Bring us good fortune,
I thee pray ♪
Grant us the strength
to keep ♪
The evil, evil,
evil at bay ♪
Or else evil Rothgar
will crush us ♪
Like the, like the,
like the grapes ♪
And rip us a part
and use our skulls ♪
As cereal bowls ♪
♪