Cougar Town s01e23 Episode Script

This is how I want to let Laurie and Travis know that we're dating.
I want them to discover us in the perfect couple moment.
- Super.
- OK, now, come over here.
Yep, yep, the light's better right there.
Now, kiss me.
Well, no, not like that.
You're not going off to war.
Just a sweet, gentle peck.
OK, wait, wait.
I've I've never hated anything this much.
[Jules.]
We gotta get their attention.
- Cough.
- [Coughs.]
Not in my face, dude! Turn your head and cough.
Ellie and I play that game.
She wears a surgical mask and nothing else.
Andy, boundaries.
Have you told these guys you two are hooking up yet? Great.
Now, you look.
Come on.
[Jules.]
I know this is huge, so let's hear it.
- I thought you were already dating.
- Wow, Smith, in a few minutes, I'm giving out the "who invited you?" award, and you oughta get your speech ready.
[Laurie.]
Sorry, Jules, but you're not in a relationship yet.
It has to last at least nine days before I consider it real.
It's the same rule that I have for hair extensions or foster parents.
- Your rules are - Sweetie, this is Jules' time.
But I have to let it out.
Whisper what you were gonna say.
[Whispering.]
- Really? - Trav, me and Grayson.
- Thoughts? Feelings? - Whatever makes you happy.
Hey, New Dad, you give me 20 bucks, I'll never call you "New Dad" again.
- Winner.
- Thank you.
See you, Mom.
I love you, New Dad.
That feels right.
That is the longest, meanest thing I've ever heard.
- I'm not done yet.
- [Groans.]
Come on! Lt'd be more romantic if you ran your fingers through my hair.
Yeah, it would be.
- She's not going for it, buddy.
- I wonder why, Dad.
What? - Today's special for us.
- It is? It's our seven-month anniversary.
[Bobby laughing.]
You screwed the pooch, Travy.
Seven months is a big one.
- Is it, Dad? - I don't know.
I'm just talking.
- Is there any more fancy salami left? - I just ate the last piece.
Oh, man.
I wish I could be your mouth.
[Travis.]
Dad.
Mm-mm! Look, your house is great, but do you ever think we could sleep over here? No.
When I'm in your bedroom, I feel like balloons are gonna start falling from the ceiling, like I'm the "millionth customer.
" [Laughing.]
That's funny.
I should rig that up.
- No, you really shouldn't.
- Jules, in a relationship Wait, wait.
If you're gonna start pontificating about relationships, I'm gonna have to record this on my phone.
'Cause I guarantee you this will come back to bite you on the ass.
- I ain't scurred.
- Mm-hm! Jules, in a relationship, sometimes you have to do things you don't want to do.
It's part of being a couple.
That's a good one.
OK.
You know, I can't believe that no one cared that we're dating.
- What? - Did you tell everyone? [Gasps.]
Bobby! Bobby! - Bobby! - Bobby Bobby? - Dad.
- [Shouting.]
Bobby! Bobby! - Bobby! - What's up? Nothing.
Sometimes I just like to say your name out loud.
Me, too.
But I whisper it.
[Whispers.]
Bobby.
We all just forgot to tell him.
It's nobody's fault.
- It feels like your fault.
- Let me have this, Trav.
I let you have "girls dig guys with skinny arms.
" - That's private.
- This is gonna crush Bobby.
He still carries a torch for you.
Plus, Grayson is his second best friend.
- Who's his first best? - I will fight you right here! Why does our baby keep saying "Bobby"? [Chanting.]
Bobby.
Bobby.
Bobby.
Bobby.
Who knows why babies do things? OK, so who do we think should tell him? - [All.]
You.
- You, for sure.
I don't want to break his heart again.
Maybe Andy should tell him.
You are his best friend.
- That's right, bitch.
- [Laurie.]
Or Grayson.
'Cause you're not only his friend, but you're also the one doing filthy things to his ex.
Still here, just in case you were wondering.
- What are you doing? - So skinny.
They're like pool cues.
- Yeah.
- Aww! OK, we know it's gotta be one of the three of us, so I think there's only one thing that we can do to solve this.
Ultimate penny can.
This is how it works.
Ellie is gonna ask a question about Bobby.
You get it right, you move a step closer.
Last player left has to drop the bomb on Bobby.
Let's begin.
Grayson, what's been Bobby's favorite beach activity since he was four? I just met him, like, six months ago.
Incorrect.
Jules? He loves to feed the seagulls at the beach because it makes him feel like a bird god.
Wrong! He used to love to do that until he tried to share a hot dog with one, and it ate the whole thing.
Very selfish.
- That's right.
- His new favorite beach activity is being buried in the sand 'cause he likes to imagine himself being just a head.
- Correct.
- Thank you.
This could be trouble for us.
[Andy.]
A Cheeto shaped like Bruce Willis.
Francis Bacon, because he sounds delicious.
Boz Scaggs.
Uncircumcised.
G.
A.
C.
The Hispanic mechanic.
Tolstoy.
Penny can! Boom! Best friend out! Damn it! [Exhales.]
- Oh, sweetie.
- I gotta go meet Kylie.
Can you believe all this attitude she's giving me about forgetting a seven-month anniversary? It depends.
Has she ever let you see her completely naked? For, like, eight seconds.
We were changing to go swimming.
What up? Then just go take your lumps and move on.
Or I could tell her how ridiculous she's being.
Trav, I know that Kylie is a sweet, innocent, little flower, but if you go at her, she will take off that sweet, little mask and you will see [growls.]
- Don't ever do that again.
- I'm gonna show you the mouth.
Ready? [Soft growl.]
How did Bobby's Uncle Ricky lose his nose? - Dynamite fishing.
- Correct! Yes! The fact that I am still standing back here should prove that I'm not the right person to tell Bobby about anything! - Whiny baby say what? - What? Game over, sucka! Dagnabbit! About what Star Wars character has Bobby always said, "If you throw a skirt on one of those furry little things, I would totally hit that"? The hell with this.
[Laughing.]
Penny can! No! I knew that one! An ewok! He wants to make love to an ewok! - Surprise.
- I can't believe you're at my place.
- How much snooping have you done? - Your hipster wool hat collection? Really? We're in Florida.
Don't be that guy.
- Sometimes they look cool.
- On planet Douche-alon.
Lovely.
OK, so how did your talk with Bobby go? So great except that it didn't happen.
You see, I was hoping that maybe tomorrow we could do it together.
No way in hell.
[Grayson's voice.]
Jules, in a relationship, sometimes you have to do things you don't want to do.
It's part of being a couple.
- [Door opens, closes.]
- That's taken out of context.
You're so in.
[Footsteps approaching.]
Look at me.
I'm Grayson.
- What is she doing here? - Ellie used to be a DJ, and she happened to give you a little remix here.
- [Techno music.]
- [Grayson's voice.]
Jules, sometimes in a relationship - Jules, in-your-face dance.
- I don't know that one.
- It's just the Running Man.
Come on.
- Being a couple, being a couple.
Being a Being a Being a Being a OK, Grayson, we're not staying here.
Go get your PJs.
- We're going to my house.
- Stupid relationship.
You have to do things you don't want to do.
You don't want to do, Jules.
Jules, Jules, Jules, Jules.
You have you have to do things you don't want to do, do, do.
It's part of being a couple.
Here's your beer, buddy.
You know what really sucked about hanging out with Travis? He was with Kylie, and I could really sense that they didn't want me there.
You know, I have a radar for stuff like that.
- Do you now? - Yeah.
- You want a tug of my beer? - Why not? Put it in my hand.
- [baby.]
Bobby.
- No way! It worked! What worked? Andy? - You want a cappuccino? - You're a jerk.
How about a Frappuccino? Look, you cannot still be mad.
A seven-month anniversary? It's a little ridiculous.
[Heavy metal music.]
You skinny-armed little bitch! - You saw her devil face, huh? - I can still see it.
Trav, you're not dating girls anymore.
You're dating women! And when a woman is mad, you need to know how to play defense.
- Well, what does Smith do? - If I'm totally raging, he just starts nodding a lot and throws money around.
First time I've ever been jealous of you.
- Thanks, Ellie.
- You're welcome.
- Nice moment over? - So over.
Good.
It felt wrong.
Travis, there are plenty of defensive styles out there.
We just have to find the one that's right for you.
You seem like you'd be a good crier.
I'm not, but I'm glad I give off that vibe.
- Hey, babe.
- Don't talk to me.
I am raging! - Do you wanna go shopping? - I guess so.
- [Mouthing.]
- [Jules.]
OK, everybody! Everybody, he's coming! - Come on.
Andy! Get out of the pool! - [Water splashing.]
It's happening! Here! Good morning, everybody.
- Fo' shizzle, fo' shizzle! - Word! - I don't want to date you anymore.
- Yeah, you do, dawg.
I'm psyched y'all dropped by.
I'll go grab us some beers.
But the fridge is broke, so I'll put 'em on ice.
If the refrigerator's broken, then where's he gonna get I don't have ice.
Put 'em in the toilet tank, that'll cool 'em down.
[Imitates gunshots.]
- All right.
Here's the plan.
- Why do we need a plan? Because Bobby is a runner.
Anytime he gets news that he doesn't want to deal with, he bolts.
You should've seen him when I tried to give him our divorce papers.
[Motor revving.]
Bobby, it's for the best! - Where'd you get an ATV? - From a lifeguard.
Der! - He just let you borrow it? - What are you, a detective? Hand me those shoes.
[Clattering.]
- He ain't running nowhere.
- It's a great plan.
- Right? - [Chuckling.]
I don't have a toilet.
Warm beer.
I cannot believe you taught Stan how to say "Bobby.
" I have a list of all the movies you've ever wanted to see, and every time Stan says the name "Bobby," - I'm gonna ruin the ending for you.
- This is good for you to see.
Andy is a fantastic defensive player.
- He's sleeping.
- No, he's just pretending.
Watch.
Andy, come on! Talk to us.
Does Ellie still look mad? At the end of Teen Wolf, he wins the big game without having to turn into a teen wolf.
Damn it, woman.
I waited 25 years to see that! Why? Look, Bobby, the reason we're here is because we really care about you.
I can't tell you how bad I needed to hear that right now.
Can I show you something? Look at those two.
- [Jules.]
It's so cute.
- It's bull crap is what it is.
I'm a third wheel to my own dog.
I'm a third wheel with Travis and Kylie.
I'm a third wheel to Ellie and Andy.
Hell, even Laurie's got a boyfriend.
Bobby, Grayson and I Uh - You wanna jump in there? - No.
You're crushing it.
Guys, we're the last three standing.
Now, I hate to be Daddy Downer, but I have to say, if I was the only one single, I don't know what I would do.
Me, neither! To us, the single folk.
Whoo! I couldn't tell Bobby.
It would've destroyed him.
Ugh, this sucks.
What? Sex has to equal free wine.
Why don't you just steal my tips, too? Great.
Yeah.
I'm going out for ice cream later.
All right.
We gotta come up with a new plan.
What is it with you and plans? Everything works better when you have a plan: Birthdays, vacations, murders.
I don't know why I said murders.
It's not like I daydream about trying to get away with one.
- That would be weird.
- Why didn't you just tell him? Why does everything always have to be so difficult with you? [Heavy metal music.]
- That wasn't the right thing to say.
- This is good.
Now, you're gonna get to see Grayson's defense mechanism.
When a woman really goes at him, he just shuts down like a robot.
Aren't you Bobby's friend? Don't you care about his feelings? And shut down.
[Makes shut-down sound.]
Robot.
You're not gonna talk to me now? Hello? You know what? You get to stay at your place tonight.
Enjoy it.
And reboot.
[Makes rebooting sound.]
Holy crap.
My mom's dating the Terminator.
You know why I'd rather play fetch with you than my dog? You would never bring the ball back to your tiny, little dog girlfriend.
You'd bring it to me.
Bros before hos, man.
- This is not where we hang out now.
- [Door opens.]
- Hey, ladies.
- Gray-man! Get involved, baby.
- Fine.
Beer me.
- There you go.
I'm sorry for still third-wheelin' it, Ellie.
I just miss the days of us just being friends hanging out.
Now everyone's all coupled up, raising kids and what not.
Just seems like we don't have time to be pals anymore, you know? I do.
- What are you doing? - No, Jules, listen.
It's not happening tonight, Grayson.
So you wanna take a quick gander at what you're missing? Bam! Freshly moisturized.
Yep.
Must hurt just a little bit? - I have a plan.
- Shut up! You have a plan? I know.
First time ever.
Now, flash me again.
No, no.
Tell me the plan.
Oh, fine.
- OK.
Tell me everything! - About what? OK, Grayson and I have an idea.
Tonight we're all gonna go to the beach.
We're gonna drink wine and build a bonfire, just like the old days.
And here's the catch: We're all gonna go just as friends.
No couples allowed.
Couples can't even ride there together.
[Chuckles.]
Hell, yeah, Jules.
Singles' party at the beach? Barb like-y.
Frolicking in the waves, your privates getting sandblasted - so they shine like a bowling trophy.
- You done? Not yet.
That's why I always carry my swimsuit.
What does that even cover? It looks like a net.
It catches all the little fishies.
Bye, little fish.
Do you see what I have to deal with? He still hasn't picked a defensive style.
He'd better do it soon, or he should strap it on for a lifetime of this.
Well, thanks again for coming over.
Uh Look, I don't really like playing games in relationships, - so maybe I don't need a "style.
" - Women are gonna eat you alive.
- You're probably right.
- I was just trying to teach you.
- I know you were.
- Wait a minute.
Are you just constantly agreeing to shut us up? Yeah.
- Do you like it? - It's brilliant! - You're the "yes" man.
- Yes! Yes, I am.
It's beach time! Trav, go join the guys.
- Ladies, let's ride.
- All right.
[Acoustic music.]
I felt I was right, and you were wrong.
Totally.
[Laughing.]
[Cheering.]
This was a great idea.
I mean, look at him.
I'm just a head on the beach! [Laughing.]
Hey, Andy, come over here and pretend to hike me like a football.
Whoo-hoo! Twenty-four! Hut, hut, hut! [Grayson.]
Look, he's happy, plus he's buried in the sand, so he can't run away when we talk to him.
It really was the perfect plan.
Thank you.
What the hell?! That wasn't smart.
[Andy.]
We'll give you guys a few minutes.
He's just lonely, you know? I hope he's OK.
I hope so, too.
OK, Bobby, you can't run away.
I'm not trying to run away.
I'm trying to burrow deeper.
How the hell can you guys do this? I would never do anything to hurt you on purpose.
Yeah, me, neither.
The worst part is knowing that everyone's laughing at me.
Bobby Cobb, you listen to me.
No one is laughing at you.
Hell, we all love you so much that we're here just trying to figure out how to get you through this.
That's why we're at the beach tonight.
'Cause we're just trying to show you that nothing could stop us - from being friends.
- So you did all this for me? I'd do anything for you.
- You promise to take care of her? - Of course, buddy.
You promise to take care of him? Why don't you let us take care of you for a while? - Want me to dig you out of there? - Not yet.
Just sit with me for a bit.
[Acoustic music.]
You know, this was a great night.
It really was.
- To Bobby Cobb! - [Ellie.]
To Bobby! [Bobby.]
What about Bobby? - That was amazing.
- It makes me almost not mind sleeping here.
- [Techno music.]
- [Grayson.]
Jules Happy one millionth customer! - [Grayson laughs.]
- Oh, God.
You think you're funny, don't you? I'm never sleeping here again.
Well, then I'd better get my money's worth.
- Jules, you have to do things - Oh, God.
Huh? Dawg? I look pretty cool, right, dawg? Well, you can frown all you want, because you're not going anywhere.
- I hid all your clothes.
- Oh, God! - Happy one millionth customer! - [Screams.]