Evening Shade s01e23 Episode Script

Well, the big moment's almost here.
You must be pretty excited.
No matter how many times it happens, it's always a thrill.
I know.
Even though he does all those commercials, I just can't get enough of him.
Who you talking about? I'm talking about John Madden.
Ever since you convinced him to be the guest speaker at the Booster Club sports banquet, I've just been giddy! I'm happy for you, I really am, but I want to know the results of Ava's examination.
How you doing, Ava? I'm fine.
She's fine.
You can go get dressed.
Thank you.
Okay.
Want to see my impression of Madden? No! Now, let me see your imitation of a doctor, all right? You just can't please some people.
Hah! Now, usually it's the person that's pregnant that gets cranky first.
No, I'm fine.
After all, it's only one more week.
Well, actually, I think it's more like three weeks.
What? What? My due date's next Tuesday.
Well, you know that, and I know that, but Baby Newton doesn't seem to know that.
He or she is still floating up! Three weeks? Three weeks?! I lied before! I'm not fine! I'm miserable! My back hurts! My legs hurt! I can't sleep! I have to go to the bathroom every ten minutes! There's no way to sit down or stand up or lie down that's comfortable! I don't care what you say.
I don't care what you say! I'm not going to be pregnant another three weeks! I want you to induce labor.
Oh, honey Right now! This body isn't big enough for two people! Go for it! No, no, no, no, no.
I think we ought to let Mother Nature take her course.
Oh, no.
Father Nature did this to me.
Mother Nature would never do this to another woman.
And let me tell you something else.
When you make out that refund check for the vasectomy, make it in my name.
Sweetheart, you're you're choking him.
Don't sweetheart me you you man.
Well, I swear you're going to love the way this looks.
It's sort of Alfred Hitchcock meets Orson Welles.
You you think Mrs.
Newton would mind doing a shower scene for me? Will you knock it off? Oh, come on, Coach, play your part.
You're not supposed to even act like I'm here.
Well, I wish you weren't here.
Now, look, guys, what I'm going for is sort of that grainy, cinema verite feeling.
Sort of like that documentary they did on the Loud family.
The Loud family? They got a divorce, and the kids all look like they ought to be in therapy.
Yeah, but they won a whole truckload of awards, they sold to secondary markets, and they're probably all sitting back collecting residuals.
All right.
What do you want us to do? Hey, I know what we can do.
We can get Mike Neibur over here.
He can belch the entire National Anthem.
That's very nice.
Just just eat your cereal.
That's the attitude I'm talking about.
I mean, come on.
You told me to do a documentary so that Baby Newton could watch it.
Do you really think he's going to be interested in watching Taylor eat Fruit Loops? Not unless he's a really boring kid.
Why does everyone think the baby has to be a he? She might be a girl.
I don't want any more girls.
Yeah.
One girl's enough, huh? What's wrong with girls? They just rub me the wrong way.
Dad, did you hear what he said? All right! This is the kind of gritty realism I'm looking for! It's sort of the dark underbelly of the family in crisis.
I want you to erase that part of the tape, all right? Artistically, I gotta disagree with that choice.
I didn't give you that tape for this.
I wanted you to take pictures of the baby.
What? You can't jump in right in the middle of it, though.
There's a before, Coach, and there's an after.
I think, as Francois Truffaut said, "Every story's got to have a beginning, a middle and an end" Or maybe it was Henny Youngman.
Oh, here she comes! Oh, the happy little mother.
I'm not a happy little mother! I'm a tired, cranky, huge mother.
Morning.
Morning, Mother.
You people are just about I don't want this on camera! You're just You're obsessed with your image! You're worse than Madonna! You wanted me to record everything up to the blessed event! Unfortunately, the blessed event is three weeks away.
Come on.
I'm going to drive you guys to school on my way to work.
Well, wait a minute.
I thought you were on maternity leave.
No, no.
Not if that baby's not coming for another three weeks.
There's too much to do.
Hey, look, does that mean you're gonna get to go to the Athletics' banquet? Do I look like someone who'd miss a banquet? Well, I've been counting up those ballots for Athlete of the Year.
No, this is supposed to be a secret ballot, Herman.
Look, I didn't say any names.
I just thought it'd be nice if a certain somebody's mother was there to see that certain somebody win it.
All right! Well, that's very subtle.
Oh! Come on.
Let's go.
Hey, would you mind if I kind of follow you around, do a montage? You know, the expecting mother's You know, a day in the life of.
Please don't.
Look, I know everybody means well, but I just wish they'd all stop carrying on about the baby.
Would you take that? Yeah.
I mean, I don't want to hear anything about the baby.
I don't want to see anything about the baby.
I don't want to discuss the baby at all.
Not until it gets here, okay? No more about the baby! Okay! I got a bone to pick with you, Woodrow.
Yeah? What's that, Harlan? I was just at the dentist and, after he gave me the Novocain, he tells me that you're letting that Herman Stiles emcee the Schwartz banquet.
Emcee the what? Schwartz banquet.
Yeah? Okay.
Yeah.
And, as president of the Booster Club, I thought I got to do that.
Well, after your speech last year, you should be grateful they're letting you back in the building.
That was not a speech.
That was a roast.
No, it was not a roast.
And, besides, you were very offensive.
Offensive? Oh, who did I offend? Only the black race and the female sex.
And that Cambodian family that lives over the Dairy Queen.
You're lucky they didn't sue you.
You see, that's what's wrong with this country today.
Everybody is so sensitive.
Pretty soon, you won't be able to make fun of anybody.
Everybody keep your seats and don't panic! We got an emergency situation on our hands, though.
What is it? John Madden just called.
He's not going to be able to be at the sports banquet.
He says that he still owes you that favor.
Yeah.
That's too bad.
Yeah.
Too bad for me.
I'm an MC stuck with a bunch of John Madden jokes.
They don't want any jokes.
All they want you to do is go somebody to go out there and and hug somebody, and sing "Kumbaya.
" How come you're talking so funny? My mouth is full of Novocain.
Let me hear you talk with Novocain! Look, we gotta find a substitute, Coach.
Who do you think we ought to call? Yeah.
How about Terry Bradshaw? How about Lynn Swann? No.
Hey, you think you really could call Terry Bradshaw? I know I could get Lynn Swann.
But Terry Bradshaw is in the Hall of Fame.
Lynn Swann's going to be in the Hall of Fame.
I think Wood doesn't want Terry Bradshaw to come.
Yeah.
I know that he was kind of touchy about being replaced by Bradshaw, but I thought he was over it.
Coach, you gotta put this business behind you.
Yeah.
Look, you've had a solid, workmanlike career.
That's true.
Yeah.
You've won a conference championship, you set a few records.
I did.
It's not your fault that Terry Bradshaw came along and blew those records right out of the book, won four Super Bowls, wears four Super Bowl rings, went on to become a network sports commentator.
I mean, you gotta say to yourself, "I set those records.
They're mine.
" Right.
Even if they are gone with the wind! Shut up! But records are made to be broken.
That's part of the game.
Well, that's easy for you to say.
You don't have any records.
All my records are gone.
Bradshaw took them.
Even my bad records, you know? Most fumbles, you know? Most yardage lost.
Most interceptions.
He took every record.
I I'm not even in the book anymore! It's like I don't even exist.
Aw, you're overreacting.
I'm not overreacting! I know who I could get.
Who? Mike Webster.
Who? Mike Webster.
You know, he was the center with the great big arms.
Hey, don't you know a thing about show business? What? You can't promise a crowd John Madden, and then give them a center.
That's like promising Terry Bradshaw And Wood Newton shows up.
No, it's good to talk to you, Franco.
What? No.
I know.
It's kind of short notice.
I mean, I didn't expect you to be able to make it.
I understand.
Uh Well, yeah.
Okay, partner, I'll see you at the golf tournament.
Mm-hmm.
That's turndown number five.
I know.
You're going to have to do it.
I am not calling Terry Bradshaw.
How come? You know what he used to call me? What? Pappy.
Pappy.
I was only in my 30s.
Well, maybe my late 30s.
Pappy.
You know? I mean, that was ridiculous.
Well, what did you call him? Swamp Rat.
Well, I I called him "rookie," too.
Actually, I call him rookie now.
I But rookie is not as bad as Pappy.
You know, the strange thing is that whenever I would try to, you know, give him a couple of pointers, you know, it would always backfire.
What kind of pointers? Well, you know, he used to put his forefinger behind the ball when he threw it, and I Coach, that's the famous Bradshaw style.
Oh, now it's the famous Bradshaw You know, after he won four Super Bowls.
Before that, it was just throwing like a girl.
You know something? This is becoming a self-esteem issue with you.
You're going to have to confront Terry Bradshaw one of these days.
Otherwise, for the rest of your life, he's going to be a monkey on your back.
No.
That's your job.
Hello.
Hi.
How you doing, rookie? Terry Bradshaw.
Don't call him "rookie.
" You'll blow the deal.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah? Talking to Rocky, huh? Ask him.
Yeah.
Well, I guess you know what we're what we're up against here.
Ask him.
You know, it's last minute and everything.
I You probably couldn't make it, and Hmm? Well, yeah, I know you get a lot of Yeah, I know you get a lot of money for that.
Yeah.
Tell him we got gas money.
I know you get, like, you know, $10,000, $20,000 a pop for these speaking engagements.
We don't have that much gas money.
What? You'd do it for free? Oh, what a guy! Well, I I really appreciate that.
You know, we're way out in the boonies, you know.
You'll have to, you know, take a bus and a train and I'll draw him a map.
What? Okay, partner.
Yeah.
I'm looking forward to seeing you, too, guy.
Bye.
Talked him into it.
He's going to do it! You think he's going to be wearing one of his Super Bowl rings? He's going to be wearing all four of them.
All four of them.
He'll shove them right in my face.
Not only that.
He'll be kidding me about my about my stomach.
Well, that's what I'd kid you about.
I can't believe it! I'm actually going to be introducing Terry Bradshaw.
Yeah.
I'd better get right home.
I gotta rework my speech.
Don't worry, either.
I'm not going to put any of that stuff in there, you know, about him not being as smart as other quarterbacks or anything.
I mean, any man who can win four Super Bowls, wear four Super Bowl rings, and then go on to become a network sports commentator has got to have more than just a couple of gray cells rubbing together.
I mean, you know, it's only those really dumb jocks that end up coaching football in dumb little Podunk towns like My, my, my! Would you look at the time? Thank you for humiliating me! Who were you yelling at? Herman.
Oh, gosh, honey, your face.
It just has Oh.
Please don't tell me I'm glowing.
Oh.
I hate that.
Yeah, I hate that, too.
Ugh! Why do men always say that pregnant women are glowing? We're not glowing.
We're sweating.
We're lugging this 50-pound bowling ball around.
Ava, darling! You ready to go? Uh-huh.
I don't think she wants to go to lunch.
Lunch?! Are you kidding me? Lunch is the only thing I do well anymore.
You know, I don't think there's a baby in here.
I think it's an eight-year-old.
Say, I love that dress.
You do? Yes.
You know something? I'm gonna start my own line of clothing, called "Bloatwear.
" It's, it's not gonna have that little alligator there.
It's gonna have a little beached whale, with a napkin and crumbs coming down the side of its mouth.
Get that cookie out of your hands.
You're gonna ruin your lunch.
Oh, please.
I don't even know what "ruin your lunch" means.
I- I couldn't possibly spoil my appetite, unless I mean, I couldn't even spoil my appetite if I ate a submarine, and I'm not talking about a sandwich.
I'm talking about the Nautilus.
See, I feel like my body's a studio apartment, and ten roommates just moved in.
I mean, I'm so fat, that when, I sing it's over.
Oh, thank you all so much for this.
You know, I didn't think I was in the mood, but this is so sweet.
Really.
Excuse me, ladies.
No boys allowed! No boys allowed! Neal Hecht, from the Paper.
The Argus.
What about it? I brought this fact sheet by so that you could fill out who was here and who gave what, and I'll give it Oh! to Mrs.
Porter for her "All About Town" column.
Okay.
Okay.
Neal, honey, do you know who I am? Yes, ma'am.
Well, then you know that your boss is my brother.
So listen, you just sit down here and take some notes.
This is gonna be a media event.
Get him some champagne.
Toast! Toast! Oh, toast.
Here's to the women who grow on the vine.
They bloom every month, and bear every nine! Nub! Nub's here! Oh, Nub! Baby! Thanks for coming to my party.
Surprise! I'm sorry I'm late, but I was out putting up a welcome sign with little tiny lights on it for Baby Newton.
Ohh! I just hope nobody takes it down before she learns to read.
Oh, here.
Ms.
Ava, I went down to Fouch's to get something for your shower.
Another present.
Hope you didn't get Hope you didn't get one already.
Oh.
Oh It's pink, since the baby's a girl.
Who told you that? I dreamed it.
And when she grows up, she's gonna live in the White House.
I knew it.
You dreamed she was president? No.
I dreamt she lived in the little white house next to the park.
Oh, that's nice, too.
Thank you, Nub.
Guess what I just realized? Nobody could possibly guess that, Merleen.
Almost no one at this table has actually gone through childbirth.
Well, I mean, everyone here has gone through childbirth.
We're not pod people.
Well! Honey, don't worry about it.
Ava's gonna take up the slack for all the rest of you.
So what's it like? I bet it's really wonderful.
Oh, it is, especially if you're into excruciating pain.
It seems like there should be an easier way.
Well, there is, honey.
It's called celibacy.
Why is it so easy to have your tonsils out, and so hard to have a baby? Well for one thing, you don't breast-feed tonsils.
Is breast-feeding difficult? Well, honey, in your case, I'd say the only real danger is the baby drowning.
I- I better be going.
Sit down! You might learn something.
I don't doubt it.
So, were all your pregnancies the same? Oh, no.
They're as different as my kids.
Except for the first month, when I threw up on all of them.
Oh, it sounds awful.
No, it's not awful at all, because, you know, as soon as you feel that little baby kicking inside of you Oh, the first time it's so worth it, but then you blow up like a balloon.
I mean, you become so big, and this little bundle of joy starts sitting on your bladder and knocking you in the ribs with his elbows, and pretty soon your female organs are all squished up inside, you know.
I really should go.
Oh, Neal, get back here and sit down.
And don't even get me started on what it's like afterwards.
You know, when your uterus starts contracting.
I'm leaving! Oh, my gosh.
Neal! Try and stop me! And then, you know, it's like the afterbirth part.
I mean, you know, that's like the most disgus Sorry.
I No, no, I know.
I'm gonna get you, I will get you I'll get you out right now.
Okay? Here we go.
Here we go.
Can I have your attention, everybody? First of all, welcome to Evening Shade High School's Annual Sports Award Banquet.
Hey, Coach! Coach! Sorry I'm late.
Oh, yeah.
All right.
Excuse me.
It's all right.
Look, Terry's gotta catch a plane, Herman, so we gotta go right away.
Nice to meet you.
Yeah, right away.
There's something important I gotta No, that's okay.
Just Terry's gotta catch a plane.
And, listen, keep it short, okay? Good evening, ladies and germs.
Uh, ladies and gentlemen, it's my honor tonight to get to introduce to you an NFL legend, Mr.
Terry Bradshaw! Yeah! All right! Very good.
Short and sweet.
That's very good.
No, not yet.
Not yet.
Our story begins in the sleepy Southern city of Shreveport, Louisiana, on September 2, 1948.
Terry bound into the world, a healthy eight pound and four ounce baby.
Within six months he was able to hurl his pacifier right out of the crib and all the way across the room, and being athletically inclined from the start, he took his first step at the age of ten months.
Could we get to when he's a little, a little older, would you? Uh, at his first birthday party, some of the guests were Eddie Wilton, Earl Hull, Frank Crowe and Johnny Scoville.
We have to go faster.
There's some great stuff though, from his kindergarten years.
You don't want me to leave that.
Do you want to emcee next year at the sports banquet? Without further ado, ladies and gentlemen, NFL Hall of Famer, co-host to CBS's NFL Today, and the funniest kindergartner that ever lived Mr.
Terry Bradshaw! Thank you very much.
Oh, Terry this is John Madden's gas money.
Listen, Coach.
Yeah? The thing I needed to talk to you about.
Yeah? I found a misplaced box of ballots that never got counted.
Taylor's not the Athlete of the Year.
Most of the guys voted for Yvonne Prewitt.
I think it has a lot to do with the way she fills out her track uniform.
It's a great pleasure to be here tonight with my good buddy, Wood Newton.
You know, Wood wore number 22, just like the great Bobby Layne.
Yeah.
And you might remember, no one ever threw an uglier pass than Bobby.
Of course, that was before Wood showed up.
But But they both knew how to win, and even though I love to tease Wood, Wood, about his career, that's the one thing he taught me, the most important thing how to win.
That's why I'm glad to be with him tonight to honor these athletes.
What I see in athletics, at all levels, is challenge What? What's going on? Son, you didn't win the award.
I'm sorry.
Good.
Good? Yeah.
Trying to figure out that speech was driving me crazy.
Did Yvonne Prewitt win? Yeah.
Cool.
That's who I voted for.
She, she, smoked me in the hundred-yard dash, Dad, and you should see her in her track uniform.
Yeah, I heard.
I'm proud of you.
Thanks.
You all right, honey? I hope so.
Good.
I met my challenge by spending long hours practicing with speech instructors.
In time, I developed confidence and, I improved elocution.
Today I'm proud to say that no one no one questions what's between Terry Bradshaw's ears.
Wood! Who asked you, lady? What is it? Is it? You can judge for yourself tonight, how effective I've been Let's go, Wood.
We'll, we'll walk it off.
We'll walk it off.
But you'll let us know if Sure.
Go, go ahead, Terry.
Sorry.
It's okay.
All right.
You can judge for yourself tonight, how effective Sorry, partner, you're doing, you know, just You're doing fine.
how effective I've been in overcoming my fear of public speaking.
Now, I know that many people suffer from this.
Excuse me.
Perha Perhaps even some of you out there.
In fact, it's often picked as the most common phobia I'm very sorry.
I have to leave.
as the most common phobia in the world.
However, my problem was that most of my career op opportunities after football were intimately Honey, I'm real sorry.
I gotta go.
Bye.
were intimate My problem was that most of my career opportunities after football Terry, I'm sorry.
Please forgive me.
Okay? my career opportunities after football were intimately connected with Mr.
Bradshaw! I'm sorry.
with pub with public speaking.
The situation The situ Excuse me.
uation No problem.
You can always Thank you.
Thank you.
You know, folks, you'll never know how hard it Harlan! Need you in here right now.
I wanted to hear Terry.
Come on.
You a doctor, or what? Get in here.
Oh, shoot! This banquet's worse than the season was.
Excuse me.
It, uh I seem to have lost my place.
Excuse me.
That's why I'm proud to be with him tonight Fabulous job.
to honor these athletes.
What I see in athletes in all was further complicated because my fear grew worse as my professional stature increased.
This was partly Hey, rookie! the result Guess what? I'm going to my fourth Super Bowl.
Good luck.
Yeah.
Call me Pappy.
Good luck, Pappy.
Thank you.
I know I can hold an audience's undivided attention Are Wood and Ava about to bring home something from the banquet besides leftovers? Anything can happen in a place called Evening Shade.